I was once bitten on the busticle by a deeply disturbed mentally handicapped patient
at the hospital where I was working.

Long story short, I stood too close and was too trusting, and the 'tard bit the nearest part he could, as hard as possible.

The pain was so intense that I thought I'd faint. Seeing stars, I reeled off to the bog to inspect the damage.

My bra cup was full of blood, and there was a flap of skin hanging off just below the nipple.

I was wearing new, thick-soled nursie shoes that day: if I'd been in my old, lower-heeled ones, I'd have lost the nipple for sure.

Bastard. I still have a faint but nasty scar.

I like to think that in these enlightened days of abortion on demand, nurses' nipples can sleep safe in their beds at night.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 22:36, Reply)

a couple of weeks ago
I had two small growths removed from my perineal area. nothing serious, a large skin tag and a wart.

unfortunately both got localised infections and I was on anti-biotics for a week and was given sudocreme to put on. the sudocreme did not help so in the end the male nurse gave me instillagel. only trouble is I have to wear gloves so my finger does not go numb, push my glasses to the end of my nose and bend over so I can see what I am doing in the mirror.

cue the window cleaner turning up a day early...
(whiskas loved by 8 out of 10 cats, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 22:01, Reply)

Strike!
On my way back to the cabin after a long day x-country skiing in the mountains. I was really exhausted and I just had to come down a small hill to get home.
The tracks were icy, the speed increasing and the legs wobbling. I saw the large rock I was heading towards just at the same time my skis started to part and I fell backwards. Slid straight into it, balls first, hitting my sack and bum cheeks hard. Thought that it was over. Wanted to die.

Couldn't sit for a week. Black, yellow and blue/green balls for two.
(dulff, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 21:57, Reply)

chilli weewee
One of my favourite things to cook is fresh chilli - enough for three meals at a go, using authentic ingredients. During one session last year I finely chopped some capsicum and birds-eye chillis, then went for a widdle.

No, I didn't wash my hands first. A minute later I was drowning my "chilli pepper" in a sink full of cold water. OW!
( bnt what, me worry?, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 21:51, Reply)

As part of a magical trick
i put my brothers cock into a dominos box, then slammed the sliding door shut.

No idea as to what kind of magic i was trying to perform, but i believe i was still quite talented for a 4year old
( SocialRobot, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 21:36, Reply)

trapped cock
when I was about nine, I went to the toilets of my school and whilst not being too careful, I managed to catch my cock in the zip of my pants

now this wouldn't have been as bad but it was still completely out of my pants whilst I was zipping up, so I had to sit outside of the headmistress's office with my cock hanging out of my pants whilst everyone walked past laughing

the headmistress managed to free me quite easily so it saved a trip to a & e, thankfully

imagine that on your a & e, record, trapped cock
( Wildheart Baby. Drunken Mess In A Good Way, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 21:35, Reply)

ooh! I found a golf ball.
I was about 15 when I found a golf ball, and threw it at a wall.
lob
(chok)
Strike Two!
aaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!
( bnt what, me worry?, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 21:35, Reply)

Rushing my kings of and trying to look cool while being in pain
Ho hum, once I was in a club rushing my kings off, feeling kind of slick, and smooth, I navigate to the gents, wop out the lad and feel the relief. No time to waste, have to be back on that dancefloor in no time, ladies looking too good tonight!
Business done, lad back in, zip up nice and quick....
Oh, shit, he wasn't quite in fully, ouch fuck, blood, oops how unprofessional. Put him right back in and tucked him away, no desire to have a blood spot on my jeans.

Not so fucking slick now cocky shithead.
(booionic, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 21:17, Reply)

I hesitate
to bring up my own slammed-the-toilet-lid-on-my-dick story yet again, but I think it applies.
(busterbeckett BUSTER BECKETT - saved by the buoyancy of citrus, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 21:09, Reply)

Window-lickin' good!
I used to work in a concert venue that has a public leisure pool within the same building. One day I got a call over the radio (as a first aider) to go down to the pool because they had an emergency. I literally could not believe my eyes when I got there!
The pool had regular sessions for disabled people and their carers, and to help them in an out of the sloped pool were these special wheelchairs that were made out of rubber with little holes (like a shower-mat) so the water can drain out. Anyhoo, this mentally handicapped guy had pushed one of his testicles through one of the little holes, and because the blood could obviously flow in but not out, his bollock had swollen to the size of a small grapefruit.
By the time the emergency services had arrived, word had got out amongst staff and public alike, so a crowd of about two hundred people got to watch the Fire-brigade cut a howling mong's knackers out of a wheelchair!
(monkeyforce Baptising monkeys since 1979!, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 20:53, Reply)

Foreskin caught in zip
When I was about 9 years old, I got my foreskin caught in my trouser zip. Not just a little bit, it was well and truly trapped. My mum could not remove it - the slightest touch would have me in tears.

So, she had to cut around the end of the zip and then take me to A&E in another pair of kecks. After a couple of hours' wait, they put me under general anaesthetic and then literally yanked the zip off.

When I awoke, my cock end had swollen literally to the size of a a squash ball. Peeing was impossable without crying in pain, until the swelling died down a couple of days later.
(Speccy, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 20:39, Reply)

Hot and steamy.
Earlier this year I had to get a doctor's appointment, as I found a lump on my right bollock. Naturally, I worried about cancer.

So, the doctor felt me up and told me it was just a cyst, which was good. Then in celebration, I tore our clothes off, laid down, at which point he mounted me and rode on my huge erect penis for approximately 15 minutes, before proceeding to go down on me and then fuck me up the arse on the cold floor of his office.

Didn't really hurt or anything. Actually, I fucking loved it.
(ratthingbazzterd, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 20:38, Reply)

Bob, the anal fissure
You need to read both parts. A bit long, really, but worth it:

www.zug.com/scrawl/analbob/analbob4.html

(It's not porn despite the URL)
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 19:50, Reply)

motorbike
crashing a motorbike can have bad results if you hit the tank too hard. can result in surgery and removal of one of the twins.

fcuker was that i wasn't the only bike accident that day having an ultra sound (yes, the same thing pregnant women have) poor bugger (too)

Tho a few years later under cover of folliage (think thats right) with a paint ball rifle and face mask steaming up, couldnt help but laugh at a team mate stumbling out of the cloud of a coloured smoke grenade, covered in paint shot clutching his bits and whineing, collapsed like sack of spuds
(1_not_so_careful_owner, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 19:16, Reply)

I promise I won't knee you in the nuts..
"The guy just went like this.." cue watering eyes as I let someone demonstrate kicking someone in the nuts but promised they wouldn't actually do it.

My friend was cooking sausage casserole on a large hotplate type cooker. He smelt something burning, then felt some pain and realised his cock was pressed against said hotplate. Many jokes followed about Paul cooking sausages.
( thistle, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 18:59, Reply)

Groin injuries (on the whole) are funny...
...mine was not.

And not just because it happened to me.

It was 1988 - Maggie Thatcher was in No. 10, Ronnie Reagan was in the White House and I was in St James' Hostpital, Leeds.



The story begins...

I was a young lad of five whole years and a few months of age, playing on the fields of St Nicholas' School as were hundreds of other kids - so far so normal...

Then some older kids started climbing the football goalposts, clambering atop the crossbar and jumping the eightish feet to the ground.

I saw this and thought "Hey, that looks cool. I can do that too!" (And you may now be thinking "How is this leading to a gooly-region injury? Surely he didn't land on his nuts!" Read on...)

So, I climbed up the goalpost - I was always a good tree-climber as a kid...

And then I balanced myself, standing precariously on the crossbar. And then I looked down... And thought (the innocent five-year-old version of) "Well, FUCK this! If I jump, I'll hurt myself".

So, there I am - a five-year-old nipper stood on top of a footy crossbar, needing to get down but too sissy jump. So I decided to go back the way I came - down the post.

Now, the thing about football goals is that when they are in full use the have nets attached to them to stop the ball, 'k? These posts were not in full use at this time. But the nets need to be attached somehow when they are. For this purpose hooks are used, sticking out of the back. Metal posts, metal hooks.

I slid down the back of the post like a fireman's pole. When you do this your meat-and-two-veg are pressed up against said pole. And my particular pole had metal hooks.

One of the lower hooks ripped into my hairless prepubescent scrotum with all the force of my young weight. I was left screaming in agony, in gushes of blood, hanging by my bollocks for a very long time...

The aftermath? I got eight stitches on my nutsack (and a free, unnecessary circumcision I've never quite forgiven my 'rents for agreeing to), a large L-shaped scar on my scrotum which only faded at age 21 or so, a long stay off school and a story I tell usually only people when I'm drunk.
(Whiskeyklone, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 18:35, Reply)

Double posting whore.
Joke.
A man was employed in a metal factory working the fly press. His job was to insert a length of metal in the press and punch six small holes in it. One day he had not put himself away properly after going for a slash, and he returned to his bench. Suddenly his dick fell out and he accidentally punched 6 holes in it. He quicky wrapped it in a towel and rushed to the staff room and bandaged it up then carried on with his work. About a week later he decided to examine his cock and was horrified to discover the holes had all healed up open and when he went for a piss it was coming out in 6 jets all over the place. This displeased him somewhat so he went to the doctor. Upon examining his cock, the doctor said he would have to refer him to an expert and began writing a letter. The man asked, "Is this a special cock doctor you're sending me to?"
The doctor replied, "No. He is a flute player, but he will be able to show you how to hold it".
( Captn Hood-Butter is not dead yet., Fri 14 Jul 2006, 18:29, Reply)

Sunburned bollox
On holiday in the Algarve, me and the soon-to-be missus had scored a penthouse apartment which was very private and very sunny.

We spent a lot of the time naked & having sex, usually followed by a couple of litres of plonk and a nice snooze in the baking sun.

Now, the underside of my baw-bag doesn't normally get much exposure to UV rays, but one day it got A LOT. When I woke up my scrote was horribly swollen, bright red and itchy as hell.

After a couple of days constant application of sunburn lotion, it went back to normal, but not before I peeled off a full crunchy scrotum in one go!

I wanted to keep it but she made me throw it away.
( MisterPunch did it that way on, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 18:26, Reply)

Cock - Zip - Zip - Cock
Not me, but a while ago while playing in a band, our bass player caught his cock in his zip. Not exactly original or unusual, but this was taking it to the extreme.

We had been held up in traffic and we were all rushing to get on stage, he was pulling on his glossy white, skin tight trousers which had rather a large brass zip. In order to get the best 'lunchbox effect' he would never wear underpants. We were all getting ready when suddenly there was an almighty scream. It was blood curdling and when I looked over to the other side of the dressing room, our bass player was bent over double cupping his cock and pleading for help. By now the blood was appearing and his white trousers were turning red at an alarming rate.

What to do? We tried sitting him down but the more we moved him, the more he screamed. By now the support band had come in to see what was happening. Then the stage manager and a few of the crew but nobody laughed as the sight was quite horrific. Within minutes the ambulance arrived and rushed him to the Bristol Royal Infirmary. We decided to stuff the gig and got in the car and follwed the ambulance.

We arrived a short time after the paramedics had wheeled him in and by now the white trousers were completely red with just a few inches of leg still white. The poor fucker had zipped his dick so badly, they had to give him some serious anasthetics before they could begin to get his cock free. As it turned out he needed many stitches, I can't remember exactly how many but the scar was from the tip right up to the maker's label and he was a big lad too. Of course we gave him plenty of sympathy and we were all so worried about him that evening in the A&E waiting room. I don't think I've laughed so much ever, and at one point I thought I may need medical assistance too for the pain in my guts. If this wasn't enough cock torture to be endured by one man, about a month later we were returning from a gig and we all needed to stop for a piss. It was very dark and . . . . .

well guess which one of us found an electric fence to piss up? Sausage anyone?

                        _,-$/\/
                    _,-'   :://$\
                _,-' :::::: \$/|S
              / / )::  __,--  /S\
              \__/_,-'=( . ;  s)s
                       .`,   s\
                        '--='

( Captn Hood-Butter is not dead yet., Fri 14 Jul 2006, 18:21, Reply)

My Dad
My father worked in an engineering plant making engines. They use the big over-head pullie systems to move the gear around.

Dad as machining away, with full safety gear including earphones on when somebody (later discovered to be an apprentice) decided it would be fun to throw one of these overhead cranes' cable with big hook on the end around.

The hook swung, the bit attached to the roof wasn't "locked down", big steel hook moves across the room at high speed and swings upwards.

Unfortunately it swung directly into my dads crotch on the up-swing, point end 1st.

His sack was ripped in two, his todger was almost ripped off and the hook sort of embedded into his thigh.

He was off work for nearly 3 months, got a nice payout (before the days of claims direct) and in some kind of weird way, met his now 2nd wife whilst in the hospital. Todger was repaired perfectly and although us kids refuse to admit it, it still functions exactly as is should.

He did admit to me later on that waking up with morning wood with 39 stitchs in your twig and berry sack is the most agonising pain you will ever experience.
(gjb006, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 18:12, Reply)

wasps....
when i was about 5 or 6, canr remember - my mam ran the bath for me as she was inclined to do, and then retired to the garden whilst i got washed etc....

Anyway, i remember watching this wasp fly around the bathroom for a couple of minutes, me splashing water at it, it buzzing angrily until eventually i lost track of it so i proceeded to get a wash in the way that young boys do (you know, rub the soap in the water in case anyone checks and then get out!).

anyway, the getting dried was no problem, the pulling on of my pants however produced a very nasty stinging sensation right on the end of my old chap, yes the bastard wasp was only sat in my pants and i pulled it up into a dark space occupied only by a pair of small nuts, and an equally small (at the time :) ) member.

So, pants down and waving the little chap about i ran outside screaming and there's my mother in the back garden, with my 2 sisters and to make it worse shes talking to the neighbours as well.....

They still laugh about it now, i can still feel the mental pain over 20 years later....
(Aleister Crowleys Badger Nothing to see here, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 18:11, Reply)

Riiiiiip
I had the grave misfortune to be wearing levis when I had an unfortunate teenage moment. Worse still was when the very solid flies ripped a very weak part of my not so solid member.
Suffice to say, I thought I'd wet myself until I realised I was now the proud owner of blood soaked pants.

Fortunately I was at home in my bedroom at the time.
Unfortunately, I managed to run into my Dad on the way to the medicine cupboard.
Fortunately he let me sort myself out without envolvement.
Unfortunately he decided afterwards it was a good idea to start quizing me about my habits visiting Mrs.Palmer.

Suffice to say, with plenty of careful bandaging, I have never managed to get an errection in a pair of jeans since.
( Far Out Slave last ate at, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 17:47, Reply)

I hurt my rude bits
On holiday a good few years ago on one of the nameless greek islands me and the future missus mediaslut had bagged a room straight off the ferry. Blazing sunshine and a semi private balcony overlooking the town square.

Bliss.

Anyhoo, missus M is leaning over the balcony in a very tight little sarong type thing (long before everything is very tight on her) and I, being red of blood and seduced by the opportunity parted the sarong and started work.

After a bit I became aware of her thong that was resolutely refusing to stay out of the way.

Ignored it.

Mistake.

Spent the rest of the holidays diving in and out of salty water and wearing swimming shorts with an inch long gash in my schlong.

Still brings tears to me eyes.
(Mediaslut, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 17:38, Reply)

Paper-Cut on Bell End
Imagine that!
(blaggm, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 17:38, Reply)

Never, ever, ever
let your boyfriend go down on you after he has been eating chilies.

If he does, make him get a mouthful of milk & give you a soothing "bath".
( Hidden Mouse, Sleeping Kitten Gromada? Gromada!, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 17:34, Reply)

bits in pain
I read about this one in a medical book....A couple arrived at A&E, him with a very badly bleeding crotch & her with a bleeding head wound. After much coaxing from the nurses they finally revealed what had happened. They were out for dinner & the lady decided to give her boyfriend a "special blowjob dessert" under the table. While she was noshing away she had a gran mal seisure clamping down on his poor todger, the only way he could get her to let go was to stab her in the head repeatedly with a dessert fork....ouch!
(jonesy, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 17:34, Reply)

Major burns in the exit hole...
...Still, it was a welcome week off from having the considerably larger General Pane up there.
(Lt Columbo, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 17:26, Reply)

About a year ago
I came down with something. It was nothing too serious and I tried to get on with normal life. Except I took (and I kid you not) 19 turds in the space of 36 hours. By the time I got to about the 14th turd it felt like I was pissing a warm yellow liquid out of my arse. To make matters worse, I cycle to get around. Imagine the discomfort of an arse wiped after nearly 20 rounds of liquid crapola nicely perched on a thin bike saddle. Every little bump in the road slew me...
(Daveypants laffo, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 17:10, Reply)

That'll learn me
I was about 9 at the time, and decided that I would taunt the boy in our class who was a bit volatile, just because he was so bloody volatile!

Anyway, I delivered my remarks and turned to run down my planned escape route, running fanny first into the pointy, pointy corner of a desk.

Pisser.
(Kit-Koo, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 17:05, Reply)

Ribbed, not for pleasure
Never again am I going to have sex with a ribbed condom, at least not the sort with little bumps on. At age 17 my then boyfriend decided to go for a tickly one which was more of a Fucking Agonising Scrapy One for me--a condom-covered willy being pulled out covered in blood is not a pretty sight, no. And I'd just expected needing lube, not something that looked like a period... What sort of a minge do you have to have if you need one of those? One made of steel or something? *shudder*

Dalek bumps or not, I'm drawing the line there.
(Auntie Dalek molester extraordinaire, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 17:02, Reply)