Poor lass
A lady of oriental extraction has just joined my workplace. Her name? Poh Ching Kok.

As one of the fine young fillies in Finance remarked, "That's what I do every time I'm out..."
(testmeuk, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 0:34, 1 reply)

Repost, sorry!
I refer you to my previous image posting:



Yes it even made my sweet little old lady of a maths teacher laugh out loud. Quite inappropriate to be telling 11-18 year olds not to snowball...
(refuse_to_follow More metal than your mother's tea-kettle!, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 0:17, 3 replies)

Techie innuendo
Me and mate Lee rigging a show a few months back. Running some DMX cable round a stage and it won't quite reach.

Stage curtain is down.

Cue me shouting at the top of my voice "Lee, give me some length!"

The 50 or so people on the other side of the curtain found it quite amusing.

Length? I was about 6 feet short...
(refuse_to_follow More metal than your mother's tea-kettle!, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 0:12, 3 replies)

Across the Pond Crossed Wires
Everybody knows that in the US they call it an elevator, whereas Blighty calls it a lift, they have fries, we have chips, tomato tomato (doesn't work as well in print, does it?) etc etc.

There are some things you have to learn for yourself.

Religious Friend 1: Oh, I really miss being home
Religious Friend 2: Yeah, me too. We have this really cool Rabbi, he wears red suspenders...
Me: Um, wtf?!?
( Hampster Squared has stuff at www.tilla.co.uk, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 0:04, 6 replies)

Not me but I was there...
This one is a little tricky to get the story across without giving away too much info....
A certain office I used to work at, I had a couple of staff under me (wooo innuendo - but thats not the story) and one of the ladies was a terrific person..but shall we say not the sharpest tool in the shed. Another manager had the last name Horn, although he worked in a different area.
A phone call for Mr Horn came in, and the abovementioned none to bright staff member answered the phone. The person making the call asked to speak to Horny...staff member did not know who this was, as she only knew him by first name, so went to the door which led to a large rear area where quite a number of other people worked, and yelled to approximately 20 male staff, 'Hey, who is Horny??'
I have never seen guys clamber over their desks so fast...
(bluekawasaki, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 0:01, Reply)

I'm meant the beer, not me!
Out after work in the pub with my fellow workers. Decided to try out the new fangled Stella Artois derivative beer Peter Artois. Sniffed it, took a sip and proceeded to describe the bouquet. "I've got wood" I proudly announced. I was informed that I should keep my twisted perversions to myself.
(grahamm wish I could think of a clever sig, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 0:00, Reply)

College, good times.
While I was in my freshman year of college, I was subjected to some of the worst food ever concocted by humanity. It was within our University cafeteria, and since I had no money that week, I was forced to go there with some of my friends. Just before we left, one of them, J, decided to 'liberate' the oatmeal packets that are one of the few edible things there.
Now, I hate oatmeal, and while we were walking to our dorm, I commented on that.
Key:"I hate Oatmeal. I don't know how you can eat it J"
J: "It's yummy! Why do you have it so much, you ever eat it before?"
Key: "No, but I can't stand to look at it."
Around this time, a few of my other friends were a good couple paces ahead of us, so we were kinda loud. This is when J stated the immortal line to me, and will never be forgotten by everyone else:
"Don't look at it Key, just put it in your mouth!"
Lets just say that we have yet to stop laughing at that comment.

Length? I wouldn't know, I never looked at it!
(Keylynn managed to steal 53 pineapples from a goat farmer, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 0:00, Reply)

Comment on the soup
Wifey was out dining with friends, one who had vegetable soup. It was one of those replies where the mouth was seconds ahead of her brain. When asked by the waiter was she happy with her soup she replied, "The pea-ness taste was a little strong".
(grahamm wish I could think of a clever sig, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 23:54, 3 replies)

Less inuendo
I was crewing on a boat, really I was an invited guest, but my 'job' was to make sure the boat sailed properly while the rest of them enjoyed an evening gliding on the Severn River and watching the Wednesday Night Races here in Annapolis.

So the boat is owned by a gay friend and little did I know: MOSt of the invited folks on the sail were gay.

So there is this one younger gay guy named, erm, I dont remember his name, we shall call him Roger.

And he apparently was a virgin. So the older queens and the two straight birds on the boat are teasing him saying things like "Roger wont let a man kiss him." and "Roger wont let a man sleep with him."

I was up on the bow, having just set the spinnaker and I turned towards the stern and walking towards them said "You know, you guys are horrible. What you are doing is nothing but Queer Pressure."

The looks on their faces were not happy for what seemed like an eternity. I remember glancing towards the distant seawall thinking: Yeah, I can make that swim, no problem.

So, more of a pun really. But I wanted to make a reference to a gay guy whose name I thought should have been Roger.
( Citadel Because the world needs less morons, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 23:35, 2 replies)

Sunday dinner - meet the new boyfriend
Dinner at my parents and my sister had brought her new fella to meet the folks. Conversation turns to how we cook for ourselves since we left home. Sister confesses that she survives on a largely toast-based diet and I declare:-

"I'm a sausage man, myself"

Never saw the new boyfriend again.
(Rich T has a clever and witty sig, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 23:28, 1 reply)

Upon reading an article in Cosmo...
on clitoral piercing, my friend Fiona from uni uttered the immortal line:
"What kind of twat has that done?"
(SpongyMonkey is an honorary East Anglian on, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 23:26, 1 reply)

Due to misinformation
I was under the impression that the adult cousin I was going to meet at my Aunt's house was called Roger. As it turned out his name was in Robert. (I don't know how you get the two names confused but my Dad had managed it.)

All through the visit I struggled to remember what his real name was and hope that I wouldn't offend him by getting the name wrong.

As my family drove away from the house I announced "Well no matter what you say, he'll always be Roger in my head."
(Innogen, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 23:20, 2 replies)

"I've never been so proud of my wife"
Mrs Spankengine and I have some very dear friends who are a gay couple.

One day over dinner the conversation drifts round to the whole 'opposites attract' issue. One illustration of this phenomenon is - according to Mrs Spankengine - her observation that in every happy couple there is always an organised and tidy one (her) and a more spontaneous, less organised one (me). It helps if one partner is more obsessed with tidiness than the other, right?

Nods of recognition all round from me and the gay chaps.

"So" she asks brightly. "Which one of you two is the anal one?".

I froze, nearly choked, excused myself, grabbed my Blackberry and emailed this delightful and innocent innuendo to everyone I could possibly find, using the same header as this post. Amazingly, nobody else at dinner had even registered this gem.
(Thomas_The_Spankengine, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 23:07, 1 reply)

"Did you say Foxhunting?"
Back, early on when I was first dating Ms Weasel (who posts here under a different name) I delivered a totally accidental innuendo (through her mishearing).

We had met online, had had phone conversations but had never met in person. So the day to meet face to face came and we headed off to the Ritzy bar in Brixton.

It was September and the low Autumn sun was dazzling us through the high windows in the upstairs bar and I was messing around with the chairs in an attempt for us to be able to see each other and talk. I looked like a dick probably and she was saying *nothing* (for the first and last time).

I couldn't think of much to say either, so I was thinking "topical, topical, what's topical?" - then I hit on what I naively thought was neutral territory - bloodsports!

That same day outside my workplace the pro-bloodsports Countryside Alliance had been noisily demonstrating so I hit upon the idea of asking her what she thought about that.

"What do you think about foxhunting?" I asked (assuming this is a gimme).

She looked a bit startled, looked at her shoes, paused then said "Erm. It's not my favourite thing or anything....um...but it has been known..yeah, I do it."

I'm a bit shocked, there's previously been no mention of vulpine extermination in her social CV, no mention that at weekends she is one of the 'unspeakable in pursuit of the uneatable'. So I paused, somewhat taken aback.

She paused too. Then said "Did you say Foxhunting?"

"Yes"

"Oh, I thought you said cocksucking".
(Wascally Weasel now with 100% fewer jokes., Thu 12 Jun 2008, 23:03, 3 replies)

Inadvertant doggie porn
I can't remember exactly how old I was when I said this, but it was certainly Old Enough To Know Better. Let's say 18 or 19.

I don't know if any of you are aware of this, but generally speaking, if you blow on a dog's mouth, it makes him yawn.

However, if you blow on his nose, he will generally just lick your face off. Or sneeze. So my mum was doing the 'making her dog yawn' thing, and I copied. I think I got his nose rather than his mouth, because it didn't make him yawn, but he licked my face.

If you've stayed through this ramble, well done. It gets better.*

My dad was explaining the yawning phenomenon to someone, and I actually said, with a perfectly straight face:

"He always licks me when I blow him."

I suck.

Actually, there I go again...

*may not actually get better.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Thu 12 Jun 2008, 22:56, 4 replies)

Off licence
I worked in an off license as a student and an american tourist had just come back from bushmills distillery on a tour. she explained how much she enjoyed the whiskey. I asked her calmly, 'have you ever tried the Black Bush?'. then I realised what I had said. the colleague next to me calmly walked away and left the shop. I think he exploded.
(sir swear a lot yes., Thu 12 Jun 2008, 22:38, Reply)

Oh, and a proper story.
My friend, for whom English isn't her first language, but then neither is the other one she speaks (one of those who just falls in the middle of being fluent at both), once had to write an essay about small organisms, where she misspelt the one word every time for 10 pages.

This story requires no punchline.
except that I felt bad about not telling her and stopped her handing it in for mass humiliation. oh well.
(niceandwarmandhot vive la résistance, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 22:35, 1 reply)

a young lass hands in her cv to the bar
me: "so are you fully flexible?...I...I mean can you work a lot of hours?...."
(ewe, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 22:35, 1 reply)

A Love Story.
Me and my man only met a short while ago whilst working on a show together. We were thrown into a theatre situation, having never met, where I was showcalling, he was on sound, I was telling him what to do and he obeyed, and we both fancied each other rotten. Of course, there's plenty of time to fill between each cue, as well as flirting to be done, so we started chatting.

For the first time in my life, I found myself really, REALLY sparking off someone. Every line one of us said, the other had an instant comeback. Aside from how great this was, it was also extremely sexy, and it wasn't long before we'd abandoned all pretence of professionalism and were an item.

Then the show moved venues, and we got a new sound guy. Who on comms, spent most of the time listening to constant filth.

A particular line where I was innocently saying I would buy lumpfish caviar to eat on toast because it was a "quick way to get some protein inside me" was met with the standard "I know a quicker way", accompanied by a high-five from lighting.

Every night, we would try to better it with more filth and innuendo, and every night we'd achieve it. I can't remember them all. I often ended up in tears seconds before a cue was due.

The other day, we were walking down the street, now happily together in a fantastic, happy and genuinely supportive and fun relationship, without even trying I add, and during a brief conversation where he was extoling his own virtues and defending himself against being an idiot about something I accused him of for a laugh, I told him that for my money, he was just a cunt. He looked shocked at me for a moment, I started to apologise, before he told me to stop and then cracked up laughing - I had just proven to him, apparently, that we were completely perfect for one another, and that was final.

So, accidental innuendo, deliberate innuendo, and calling your man a very rude word can, oddly, lead you to remarkable things. We're genuinely in love, I'm dead happy, AND I get to be as rude and as filthy as I like and I'm still thought of as sexy, and the same goes for him.

Sorry, Just thought you'd like to know.
*SMUGS*
(niceandwarmandhot vive la résistance, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 22:32, Reply)

When I was traveling
My travel buddy and I had made friends with a lovely lass, K, and an equally lovely redheaded man-friend of hers, G, with whom she was clearly getting involved. We'd all got onto a ferry at pain o'clock in the morning to continue south, and I bought a ginger and apple juice drink. K, bless her, then calmly came out with this gem:

K: "I don't like ginger ... except for ginger nobs."
G: o_O

Took us quite a while to work out she meant ginger nuts, and that didn't make her case a whole lot better really :D
(Killer Vanilla puts the win in Darwin, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 22:00, Reply)

Of Buds and Blooms
A couple of summers ago, sitting in my folks' garden of a balmy evening, all was still and quiet. My mother pipes up, "Tourettes, have you noticed my lovely pink clitoris? It's coming away beautifully...."


She meant "clematus".
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 21:59, 5 replies)

Only yesterday at work
I overheard a colleague saying, "Today, children, we are working on length. Fingers up, everyone - show me 10cm."
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 21:54, 1 reply)

Weddings
A mate sent me this today.

I would have posted it as a pic rather than a link but it's a bit big and I've not learned how to do that 'click to embiggen' thing in html yet.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 21:42, 5 replies)

More cherry action...
Was on holiday with my best mate and his girlfriends family - straight-laced mum and dad, sister etc. - and on the first night after the welcome cocktails had been drunk, the sister, who I hardly knew, in all honesty and naivety (mores the pity) asks me if "I'd like her cherry?" - Most embarrassing was having to explain this to Mrs. Mum
(blackwater, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 21:41, Reply)

I didn't walk into one
But when I was 14, my nephew informed my mum that I was on the game.

Regardless that the game was his word for the computer, the whole street heard his fucking louder than life voice shout 'Nana, Sammi's on the game!'.
( Methylene Blue - electrohead, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 21:40, Reply)

School
The students were divided between three 'halls', to make it easier for assemblies, etc. One of the halls would post a riddle each week on the hall noticeboard. The winning student would get chocolate or some such.

One week, the riddle was "What gets broken every time it's used?". The answer of course, was "silence", because when you speak it, the silence is broken.

I however, immediately and naively jumped straight to 'hymen'. I did not submit this answer to the Head of Hall.

EDIT: Not really innuendo, but I couldn't think of anything else whenever I saw the notice for the next week.
( Awesome Welles petitioning for foetuses to be rebranded 'wombles', Thu 12 Jun 2008, 21:36, 1 reply)

Just last Sunday
My own mother, while discussing her old plastic garden furniture enquired about my new table and chairs, innocently asking "Have you got wood?"

After a few uncomfortable moments spent trying not to laugh I had to confirm that not only did I have wood but that it was also big and brown
( Tagnut loves pies, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 21:36, Reply)

My aunt went into a news agency...
before leaving she realised that she had forgotten to buy a tv listing magazine (The TV Quick).

Anyway before she leaves the shop she says:
"Oh by the way, I forgot; can I pay for a Quickie please"

The shop proprietor responce:
"You can have one for free, love".
(kiedis1984, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 21:29, Reply)

My mother...
...has recently discovered the joys of cocktail mixing. Her particular favourite is a margarita which, to do it 'right' needs the edge of the glass to be coated in sugar.

This, however, does not excuse her from proudly stating to a room of family members "when I first started doing it there were big clumps, but now I'm an expert rimmer".
(bigquack, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 21:27, 2 replies)

years ago now,
I used to go camping with a mate,we both had walkmans,mine had a big LED,his had a smaller LED,so commented thusly...
"Mine's really big, your's is only small!"
But in a tent anyone passing by can hear...
( Mstandot I suppose I should post more often., Thu 12 Jun 2008, 21:19, Reply)