Actions beyond the call of duty
My colleague in IT needed to update our database systems one day so sent an email to our mostly female users as such ...

" Need to update the database at lunchtime so I will pop upstairs and lick you all out "

What he meant to say was he was going to kick everyone out of the system ... much hilarity from our users ... mega embaressment from my colleague the poor bearded rolf a like !
(sr3476, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 13:22, 2 replies)

Just a quicky...
In the short meeting I just had to endure, the table was festooned with assorted odds and sods, among which were decorations of the type one may embellish the wrapping on Christmas presents.

Desperately seeking distraction from the ennui that surrounded me, I fiddled mindlessly with one of the aforementioned trinkets, examining the intricate knots, exploring the poorly crafted decoration and, eventually, reading the instructions on the reverse.

It's not often a meeting is brought to an abrupt silence as one of the participants emits a loud snort that he's completely unwilling to explain. But then it's not often that one finds them self unexpectedly reading the sentence "press firmly to package".
( Moey, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 13:21, Reply)

The girl I sit next to at work..
The girl I sit next to at work was dialling into a customer's PC to sort out some issues. As his screen started to appear on hers she uttered a sentence that left me in hysterics..::

"You're just coming up my end.."
(Kalar Azar, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 13:18, Reply)

Spotted in 'The Sun' today
But townsfolk said the downpour was a GOOD omen, quoting a traditional local saying that claims: “Sposa bagnata, sposa fortunata” — meaning “a wet bride is a lucky bride”.

I thought it would be a lucky husband who has a wet bride :)
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 13:02, Reply)

Could someone get me a cushion?
In 1998 I was in a pretty bad car accident and, as some would say, I got mashed up pretty good.

After spending a couple of weeks enduring the hospitality of the National Health Service, I was nearly good as new. OK, I had a few stitches, walking was still a bit of a problem and I looked like I’d gone 10 rounds with Mike Tyson, but I was getting there. Add to that the fact that I was so pumped full of pain killers that I could have been hit by a bus and not felt it, and you kind of understand how I was feeling.

Two weeks further still, and I’m back at work. I’m still not in great shape, but getting by. Reaching up for wine glasses hurt, and pulling the real ale was a bit of a chore, but the punters are glad to see me back and I’m getting a lot of sympathy from the girls. Double trouble.

One night, I got chatting to a couple of the locals. I knew that they were lawyers, and they hadn’t seen me around for a while. When they found out that I’d been in this accident, they started advising me on what I should do.

Well, I say advising. They pretty well pushed me in to going down the compensation route. Please bear in mind that I was 18, desperate for cash, and the person who crashed in to us really was at fault.

And so began a long round of meetings with lawyers and applications for legal aid. Part of this process was meeting with a doctor. Very nice gent he was, quite old school: tweed jacket, pipe and monocle. The works. We spoke for about 2 hours, and he asked me various questions:

“Tell me about your injuries.”
“How do your injuries affect your ability to work or study?”
“Have you had any further pain?”

And:

“Have you experienced any pain in social situations?”

To this, I answered “well, sometimes when I’m out with my friends, at a club, say, my back can start to really hurt.”

Well over a year passes, and I get my grubby hands on a cheque for three grand. I also get a copy of the doctor’s report, which was made all the better by the immortal line:

“Sometimes experiences a little stiffness at the discotheque.”

Haven’t we all, doctor, haven’t we all...
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 12:57, 2 replies)

That was out loud
I was having a pint with the inimitable Pooflake when the subject of MIDI files as backing to our crucifixion of "handbags and gladrags". It appeared that the whole backing track was going well except for one sound that he couldn't get right.
As we were leaving he turned to me and said "Right. I'm off home, I've just got to sort out my oboe".
Raised eyebrows all around as I dissolved into tears of laughter..


I suppose you had to be there.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 12:54, 2 replies)

HAH That's what SHE said!
Heard that before? Hate it? I'm one of those annoying people that says this every single chance I get. Even if there's only a hint of innuendo. Like "I only like the creamy one".
If you ever hear anyone say that again, punch them and say "Lillehammer kumquat" and if it's me, I'll buy you a beer. After saying 'That's what she said' of course.
(Dazzorifik is bored of b3ta, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 12:50, Reply)

I went to a very small town in the North East of Scotland...
... a beautiful place with a slight mistrust of Sassenaks, but as a South of England Girl, I was ok with charming them. one Saturday afternoon after a good morning's walk, my boyf, mate and I end up gasping for a pint in the local tavern.

Inside there is a guy who looked just like Billy Connelly, dressed in Kilt, jacket - the whole kit-and-caboodle. So I wandered up to him and said, "Wow, you look great, is it your family tartan?".

To which is replied (in a very drunken state), "Aye, I'm a Farquhar"...

"I BET YOU ARE!"

I just couldn't help it...
(surfergirl is riding the wave of luurvveee, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 12:43, Reply)

And another...
A classic from one of my friends which I remind him of every time we meet: Easter before last we were discussing university football tours and the tradition of t-shirts/polo's with a squad number and name on the back as our other friend had come back from such a tour in Salou (or somewhere). He prededed to tell us about one of the rather slutty netballers who (rather than going for something prosaic e.g. Woodsy, Sarah, slapper) had a number on her back above which was apparently written "Cum on my face".

Friend #1: I like "Cum on my face".

We go to pains to bring it up every time we see him.

(Christ, that's a shit story. I must be bored. Actually I am - supposed to be writing a bloody dissertation, it's getting nowhere and I'm on here. Up yours acadaemia)
(Monsieur Mangetout confuses dreams and reality just like Dougal on, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 12:36, Reply)

My friend brought home a "Chicken of the woods" mushroom that he found.
I decided to ask for some (it's wonderful stuff, really - it's just like chicken in that it absorbs the flavour of whatever is around it).

"Can you slip me a length?" I enquired.

The room went silent.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 12:29, Reply)

Not accidental, anymore at least.
Sometimes on the phone at work, if a customer wants something sent quickly, I take great pleasure in saying "I'll whip it out for you tonight". And other various bits I can sneak into conversation.

We do spare parts, so I get a lot of people asking me for a screw. "Can I have a screw?" "Yeah, I'll give you one". We don't charge for the odd screw, you see.

Not funny, really, but it keeps me going.
(MrBeansHoliday, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 12:28, 2 replies)

Ooh err missus
At our boys' Catholic High School (note to self: if by quirk of fate or freak of nature I ever have children they're going to a mixed school) most of us used to fantasize about our German teacher. She was in her early 30's, fairly attractive (by this I mean better than any other options us sexually deprived catholics were getting at the age of 14 such as the 40+ RE teacher who was quietly smoking herself to death and the female art teacher with a moustache - hurray for HRT) and all of us wanted to shag her. She walked into class one day and said the following:

'Sorry I'm late boys. I was in charge of an oral exam and couldn't leave until someone came'

Cue pubescent laughter.
(Monsieur Mangetout confuses dreams and reality just like Dougal on, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 12:27, Reply)

Pleasant mouthfeel and a good length
I've been working in the alcohol business for a few years and have encountered a range of amusing terms along the way. The funniest generally relate to the tasting notes that are created by individuals that have managed to crawl so far up their own arses that they can't conceive the mirth they create. Just a couple of examples, so as not to bore you all:

When describing the taste of an old cognac: "...this mellowness is then intensified by an incredible length in mouth..."

A rare Irish Whiskey is said to have a "Long satisfying finish, with a touch of wood."

Oh, and we used to distribute Black Bush; a Whiskey so good it could be called Dark Minge and I'd still order it.
( Moey, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 12:17, Reply)

Barry Island
On a visit with some uni mates, we decided to get some spades and see if we could dig to China. Of course, this was a ridiculous plan as we were all lazy but we managed to dig down about six foot or so.

A random local came over and declared "Ooh! That's the biggest hole i've ever seen"

...takes one to know one.
(WillyNilly SillyBilly, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 12:16, Reply)

Ah, the aged...
Yonks ago while a student I propped up my rent by working in a small independent video rental boutique. One day a batty old crone came in and asked if we had John Wayne's Jism. My colleague almost passed out with laughter and disappeared round the back leaving me to enquire gently as to whether that really was the title and someone wasn't having a laugh at Grannie's expense. Nope, she was adamant, John Wayne's Jism it was. Years later, Channel 5 afternoon film, 'Chisolm' starring you know who...
(creatrix CX, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 12:10, Reply)

Hilarious Secrets
One day my family were sitting down to dinner when my mother told my little sister to eat her vegtables, she replied with "No they're Minge-y".

I wasn't sure if i heard it right as my mother didn't say anything unusual, i looked at my brothers face and the laughter started. . .

Apparently her whole class of 10 year ols girls used it all the time. When my brother and I wouldn't stop laughing my mother took her away to explain it.
(Lukekull Fuck, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 12:08, Reply)

On the way to Alton Towers
We got lost and found ourselves in a small market town. There was what looked like a nice pub there, which on the traditional swinging sign featured a picture of dark-feathered chicken.

The notice board in the car park read "Welcome to the award-winning Black Cock. Suitable for families."
(Cuthbert Annihilator, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 12:03, 2 replies)

A long time ago...
I was rehearsing a musical with a band. There were a lot of male musicians, and one beautiful female saxophonist who happened to have a big solo in a song called 'If I Could Just Touch You'. So part way through the rehearsal I called out 'Right, Becky, if I could just touch you'. She stared at me and everyone started to giggle. I pressed on 'Come on Becky, if I could just touch you - you ready?' Cue more giggling. Me: 'Becky, please, if I could just touch you, now, ok?' Her face is now bright red, mouth open, staring at me. Everyone else is pissing themselves.

Suddenly I realised what was going on. 'Becky! The song! It's the song called If I Could Just Touch You. Can we rehearse it now? I didn't mean that I wanted to touch you, not that I wouldn't want to, erm, I mean not just now anyway, erm, not that I would touch you later, erm, not that we're going to meet later, or, erm, oh shit.'
(Smale is stuffed, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 12:00, 1 reply)

the humiliation.
When I was 14, I ran for Captain of the Senior School Choir. All the candidates had to stand in front of the 50-strong student music dweebs and give a speech about why we wanted to be Captain, what music we liked, what other instruments we played etc.

A week prior to this, my father had bought a B3 Hammond organ - his pride and joy. Think of the Doors, A Whiter Shade of Pale, that sound. He couldn't play it very well but he was always mucking about pretending to be Jon Lord.

So, of course, when I was asked by the music teacher in charge of conducting the choir whether I had a musical family, I duly told her and the 50 other 14 - 17 year olds in the room that my father really likes playing around with his organ. Hilarity ensued.

Length... good god that's just really, really wrong.
(cerdes, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 12:00, Reply)

*ahem*
Having bought a lovely new set of bright pink ear muffs, as my ears get very cold in winter & it gives me headaches, myself & those around me delighted in muff jokes for some time after...

My favourite was a friend at work (where I was the only girl with 10 guys) hiding them behind his back and asking my manager (who had previously embarassed himself by commenting that there was a slight hole in the rear-end of my jeans which could have only been seen on close inspection... *raises eyebrow*) when he walked past "Have you seen Fantastatrons muff?"

Cue manager going googly eyed and stuttering. Brilliant.

Or, coming out of a club rather, ahem, worse for wear let's say, yelling at my boyfriend 'AAARGH I'VE LOST MY MUFF. Is it in your bag? I neeeeeed my muff or I'll explode!', bouncers and other clubbers looking a bit a/be-mused until boyfriend produced them out of his bag.
(ibbleflib, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 11:59, Reply)

updating the work database just now
and I look up at the screen to discover I've just typed

@hotmail.cok

Geddit?
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 11:55, 1 reply)

Accountants, humour?
My rather sassy, over-enthusiastic accountancy teacher telling her class that after lunch we were going to do some 'hardcore double entry'...
( Herman Blume is unique, just like everyone else, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 11:55, Reply)

English Period Rim Locks
Does anyone else get this Google ad at the top of this page? Presumably picking up on the word knockers. How appropriate.
(mzungu, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 11:44, Reply)

Lancing College c1982
Early 1980s. The school is known for a number of things/people (Eveyln Waugh & Jamie Theakston etc etc) However it is also known for its huge chapel sited on top of the South Downs.

Can't recall the precise details but the main chapel organ was being restored, during this period a temporary instrument was being used. This unit required some sort of prepping by the organist (Mr Cox) (getting the air through the pipes) before playing. This required a bit of careful planning so that the delay before each hymn is kept to a minimum.
Unfortunately there was one occasion when the timing was off and all that 600 staff and boys could hear was some ineffectual wheezing coming from the general direction of the organ.
This prompted the chaplain to announce the following; "Ladies and Gentlmen, there will be a short delay whilst Mr cox erects his organ"
(conanow, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 11:39, 2 replies)

Wedding innuendo
A woman I used to work with was getting married. As the date approached she understandably talked more and more about wedding preparations and very little else. Eventually she selected a wedding dress and was showing the design to some of the other women in the office when one piped up with, "That would look good with pearls. I wore a pearl necklace on my wedding day." I started replying with, "I bet you did," but instead bit my tongue and disappeared off to work in another area.
( Lord Gnome, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 11:34, Reply)

Not a very long one.
A sales rep for our company was on a short trip visiting clients in Northern Ireland. I called him to check his schedule and was told,

"I'm seeing Allison in the morning and hopefully I'll get to Bangor by late afternoon"

Chortle etc.
(Pickettywitchfinder General, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 11:30, 1 reply)

It's a French thing
Quite a few don't distinguish between hard and soft vowel sounds (as these aren't used in French) so in a shop dedicated to the great outdoors the then future wife asked for the "Freedom of the heels".
(mortisdead, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 11:29, 3 replies)

Mouthful?
Short and quick,

A few years ago I was sat around the family dinner table enjoying a proper nosh when my younger brother got upgraded from his special (booster seat) to a normal dining room chair. I in full gusto proclaimed:

Who shaid you could shit there!

Never talk with your mouthful.

Length? None to speak of.
(British Steel was participating in awesomeness on, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 11:27, Reply)

Laughed himself hoarse
Exiled Youth's post made me remember a case which appeared in court locally, attended by a solicitor I know.

The accused was up for interfering with a farm animal, namely a horse. And by interfering, I mean, y'know, "fiddling".

He had admitted the charge, and the defence were trying to get him a lenient sentence, telling the court how he was a God-fearing lad who attended church, never done anything like this before, moment of madness, blah blah.

All well and good, until he mentioned that the man came "from a stable background".

Pfffft. Court dissolves laughing.

Conditional discharge. (Is that a STI?)
(Rsoles, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 11:25, 1 reply)