Matron!
The thing that goes beep on my car kept going off all by itself, without having to press it.

I walked into the dealership and without thinking said "I've got a spontaneous horn problem"

Sid James is alive and well in John Harrison Peugeot
( Sausagegirl, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 20:07, Reply)

it needs a service
In another life I would trawl the hi-fi shops of the UK and try to sell them stuff. I don't do that anymore.

So one day I'm in mid-patter to the bored hi-fi bods when a large West Indian lady walks in and says...

(imagine patois a la the Lilt ladies)
"Hello. I've got an old Bush and it needs attention. It's not working like it used to."

Calm and polite as you like, the shop manager was a star - "just bring it in and we'll take a look at it dear", then as soon as she left, we all pissed ourselves.

PS if you are reading this and it was your shop, hi Andrew and/or Paul.
(johnnyevil, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 20:02, Reply)

Mobile Broadband
I have a dongle. I use my dongle every night. I have persuaded others to buy dongles.

I have to stop my self from sniggering when ever the word is mentioned as I'm an ICT teacher and it is a legitimate technical term.
(DryGoldfish, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 19:58, 4 replies)

whilst gardening one day
I was pruning things when I noticed my neighbour's shrubs were growing through my fence, spotting my neighbour sunbathing her bloated body I innocently asked "any chance I can trim your bush?" she very quickly went into the house : (
( Dill, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 19:44, Reply)

While down the arcades...
A couple of rather attractive girls I kinda knew came up to me while I was playing pinball. They were hinting about getting a ride home - a distance of only about a mile, but hey, free car ride!

In those days I could make my 10p last for ages, and I didn't even notice they were bored until one of them piped up: "How many balls have you got?"

I didn't think anybody could blush that much.
( Biggus Dickus , it was like that when I found it, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 19:24, Reply)

civil engineering - lecture on retaining walls
"As you can see the small member we have here is small therefore making the penetrative depth small too"

titter titter
(Is this it like eggs but better, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 19:19, 1 reply)

i was at school
and it was winter and cold so everone had jackets. And my tutor was a bitch and this one kid came in late and he was still wearing his jacket. And she said "Ollie! Sit down jacket off"

hours of fun

edit
i was walking through town the other day and the police were making a film or somthing and i overheard the cameraman say to the female policeman "you go in there and i'll film you doin' it"
( Scopey Ethyl ME! ME! ME! ME! ME! ME! ME! ME!, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 19:14, Reply)

We used to have a history teacher who was an absolute legend.
In class one day, chav scum at the back was slouched in his seat, chewing. She stopped mid-sentance and yelled at him: "ERECT YOURSELF AND STOP MASTICATING AT ONCE!" To this day, I'm not sure if she phrased it in that way deliberately or not. But about twenty five thirteen year olds burst out laughing at once.
(Pretty strangers and promises, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 18:41, 1 reply)

It's a Goth thing...
The last time met my lesbian mate at a sci-fi con in Leicestershire, I ran up to hug her and saw that she was wearing gorgeous, thigh-high black bondage boots. I immediately exclaimed "ooh, NICE BOOTS!"

...until I remembered net.goth slang. "Nice boots" is usually short for "Nice boots, want to fuck?"

Happily enough, we did. We've been *very* good friends ever since;).
(Auntie Dalek molester extraordinaire, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 18:31, 2 replies)

Truely accidental innuendo
.
Today, after dinner, my 7 year old, while handing a not-quite-frozen ice-pole to her little friend, said,

"It's not right hard, make sure you suck it before you squeeze it"

I'm still chuckling now.
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Fri 13 Jun 2008, 18:26, Reply)

Kids' toys
transformers.wikia.com/wiki/Erector

A Transformer called Erector is bad enough (though he does transform into a construction vehicle, and to be honest there were also Transformers called Thrust, Grapple, Clench, Slag, Skids and so on...) but is there any excuse for this Masters of the Universe figure?

www.he-man.org/primary_sects/toys/html/collector_guides/motu_class/toy_pages/fisto.shtml
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 18:22, 6 replies)

Congratulations! You've got AIDS!!
I was in my local cheapo supermarket last week and the gentleman in front of me asked the assistant if they had any memory cards left. She said she'd ask and immediately yelled the full length of the store...

"HAVE WE GOT ANY STD CARDS LEFT?!"

The answer was no, obviously they've all been bought and posted. I won't be sleeping around in this town...
(By George I Think He's Got It! It's not fucking Sheep is it?!, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 18:13, Reply)

Homophobe
A very camp man at my work was in a rush to get home once, and said "right, i'm going to disapear".

The guy who sat opposite him yelled "poof"...

and then spent the next half an hour appologising and trying to explain he was trying to make the noise of someone disapearing.
(snitchell, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 18:11, 1 reply)

Mind not on the job.
Again i was working in The Hotel, an endless supply of fun!

Being the nightporter we had to arrange check-in cards for the next day. Easy enough, printed out by receptionists, stapled to card by me.

One day i found a printout for Mr I. Eatcock... yup i eat cock...

After much amusement (for an hour or so, i was choking with laughter) we eventually found the correspondance was actually from Mr Eatock... obviously the receptionist wasn't concentrating on her work...
(By George I Think He's Got It! It's not fucking Sheep is it?!, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 18:08, 1 reply)

a poorly observed request...
Was already a little piddled and slurry of thought that evening, but went to a bar called Casablancas in Brighton. Got served by a lady in her 40's... though, my, her voice was rather deep... and those hands are rather big... and that throat looks..

"here you go" s/he says, passing my lager. "Anything else?". I'm peckish, but there are no snacks on display.

"have you got any nuts?" I ask, just as the penny drops. My expression flickers as I realise what I've just asked. So does her's. I got the feeling she took it the wrong way at first, and THEN realised it was an innocent enquiry. I retained my sweet composure as best I could. Incident and embarassement was 99.7% avoided.

Turns out she DID have nuts under the counter, she whipped them out for me, and I munched on them gratefully.

Length? A couple of centimters each, and salty.
(nobuttocks last besmirched the internet on, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 18:05, 1 reply)

Every day I walk past this shopping mall and snigger


It doesn't help that at night it doubles as a brothel...though that seems to be true of pretty much everywhere in Singapore...
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 18:00, Reply)

Bum Bags
Shopping with now 'Americanised' sister-in-law, we pop into Boots the chemist for some Bonjela. Handing it over the assistant asked politely, 'would you like a bag for that?', to be told, cheerfully,
'No, I'll squeeze it in my Fanny Pack.'
( The Twisted Omentum vidi vici veni, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 17:51, Reply)

:)

(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 17:47, Reply)

I did feel sorry for her.
Probably my most memorable one not by me was by a lovely history teacher I had during my GCSEs. Pretty girl, in her mid 20's (then), who was always patient and friendly and generally lovely.

Did 98% of the class respect her any more because of it? Maybe a negligible amount. During one particular riot babble and chatter, she got so wound up, she flew off the handle.

"I don't know why I bother! I put out and put out! I t-"

She didn't get to finish before the inevitable hilarity and remarks about her sexual escapades, poor girl. She's right, she did put out for us.
( Bats, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 17:46, Reply)

Rim Job
I got this story second-hand from one of the people in attendance and wish, with all my heart, I had been there in person to witness the fun.

A few years ago, a friend went to dinner with her boyfriend (now ex), his parents, and another couple. Being the first time my friend was meeting his parents, she wanted to make a good impression, so she decided that keeping up a steady stream of friendly chat about non-controversial topics was the way to go. At one point, she talked about getting her car fixed and announced she'd gotten "a rim job" that morning. In the U.S., a rim job is slang for oral-anal contact. Which my friend, being rather innocent, didn't know. Everyone else at the table did, however, especially the boyfriend's mom who was a high school sex ed teacher. The rim job comment killed the conversation, the rest of the evening was awkward, and to this day my friend doesn't understand what happened because no one has had the heart to explain the comment to her.

I'll also throw in the story of the IT guy working on my computer, which requires you to know I'm a woman that tech geeks find quite attractive. The guy's fix required reboots, I had to log in repeatedly. Being slightly paranoid, I always have complicated passwords. After my first log in, the tech happily commented on my password: "The bigger the better!" He suddenly looked utterly appalled, turned flaming red and stuttered, "I-I-I mean, the longer the better!" At this point he went into complete meltdown, I'm fairly sure he was crying, and literally ran out of my office. That was the last I saw of him. IT had to send someone else up to finish the fix.
(bunnybutt, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 17:43, Reply)

God bless America
John Lewis's, Edinburgh, just before Christmas: I'm looking for suitable gifts in the Wines and Spirits dept. There's loads of expensive stuff. An American couple pootle up and look around.

"I guess this is where all the fancy liquors are."

I turned round and went "Arf!" before running off.
( MisterPunch did it that way on, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 17:40, Reply)

A slip of the tongue...
I was sitting at the bar in my local when a beer delivery arrived. The delivery man, unable to open the cellar doors from the outside, uttered these immortal words to the barmaid (a very large woman, indeed) - "Can I go down and open your flaps?". Much tittering ensued.

Cheese toasties anyone?
( Puromycin is still licking windows, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 17:36, Reply)

Teachers are the best source of entertainment
Not so long ago, my journalism tutor asked one of my classmates (in regards to his story), "how are you doing for length?". Laughs all round. Pretty weak compared to my favourite, though.

A local paper came round to my Uni to do a piece (lol) on a girl who qualified for the British Olympic gymnastics team.

Their camera, however, was shite and as a result the action shots would come out blurred as though it was The Flash in the gym. With all of the gymnastics equipment laid out and the girl being most proficient in the vault, my tutor said :

"Just stand next to that horse and open your legs".

The photo wasn't taken for 20 minutes as all 40 people in there were laughing. 10 minutes was spent explaining to the 55-year-old tutor exactly what we all took from it.
( TGP on the rock 'n' roll, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 17:35, Reply)

Ohhh Noes...
I was sleeping round a friend's once, three of us girls just having a laugh (no, this isn't the innuendo :P). After hours of pissing around, we decided it was time to finally go to sleep, so my friend turns off the light and we all turn over for the night. It's a really hot summer's evening, so I was sweating shit loads under the mountain of duvet I'd been supplied with, suddenly, I felt a light breeze on my face and after a few seconds, I realised someone must be using a fan. So I utter the innocent remark of: "Who's fanning? It's nice..."

Cue shouts of "What the fuck?" from everyone present...I think you can probably guess what they heard wrong...
(ladyflash Formally known as "oshi_", Fri 13 Jun 2008, 17:29, Reply)

Carry On Cat-Basket
Swear on teh Interwebs, this actually happened.

I passed the awkward "don't-really-know-what-I-want-to-do" time after graduating and before getting a "proper job" by working as a phonemonkey / receptionist in my mate's veterinary surgery. We had comedy farmers, local crazies, inbred dog breeders - you name it, we supplied class-A drugs to it.

On one particularly damp day the waiting room was crowded with tetchy owners and sick pets. In strolls a nice old lady wearing a lovely Barbour mac, clutching a wicker cat basket. She squeezes into the only available seat, places her cage on the floor and loudly announces to the room: "Oh, I am sorry - can anyone smell my wet pussy?"

Silence. My eyes boggled, I choked and dropped to the floor behind the reception desk, unable to breathe for silent, huge body-shaking laughter. Eventually I recovered, only to scurry out back to the operating theatre, relate the tale and make all the mid-surgery vets choke and fall over. Classic.

*relurks*
(griffster, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 17:28, 1 reply)

Dickens Cider
When I was first online there was a sound file that was sent to me which was detailing how a girl enjoyed (and I quote) "a good Dickens Cider."

I could never figure out what was so funny about it, until I retold it to friends, who fell about laughing. Apparently the young lady didn't so much enjoy "a good Dickens Cider" as "a good dick inside her"

I'm so naive sometimes...
( SeasonTicketless is too often the statue, and rarely the pigeon., Fri 13 Jun 2008, 17:26, 1 reply)

You what...
Was walking the dog when I bumped into my neighbours, a wonderful lesbian couple of later years. They had recently gotten a new puppy and were gleefully telling me about its mischief and destruction, when one of them bends over to ruffle my dogs' ears and cheerfully asks him -
" I bet you don't eat the carpet, do you? "

Fortunately I was only 20 feet from my local, so stumbled in and collapsed unable to explain myself. Bless.
(autopilot, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 17:09, Reply)

Overheard in American carpet showroom
Salesman: .... and of course, you can't beat a good shag on the floor.

Me: Pvvghhht!
( MisterPunch did it that way on, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 17:08, 1 reply)

Shopping for innuendo
My wife and I call her 'downstairs parts' a 'growler' so imagine our delight on discovering - in Halfords a device for slipping over the end of your handle bars that when gripped and 'revved' growls loudly at you. The name of this wonderous contraption? A Growler Grip.
(davidleach2000, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 16:59, Reply)

Not me, but a colleague
Many years ago I worked for a financial institution. The company stationery department had a small printing press - nothing too exciting, but good enough for running off simple forms in single colours. Once in a while, they'd run jobs in colours other than black.

As cleaning a printing press is a dull job that takes a while, it was always best to wait until there were several jobs of the same colour going through. This saved some time and kept everyone happy.

For reasons I can't remember, a particular form was being done in the 'house' colour. It was low priority, so the printing could wait. Not-very-nice Caroline rang the stationery manager to explain this job was waiting in the wings so could he let her know when he was running any jobs in the house colour.

In fact, she said: "When you think you're going to get a blue job, let me know because I can give you another."

The expression of horror on her face as she realised what she'd said was more precious than rubies....
(uncle whippity, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 16:59, Reply)