My rat snake
(His name is Strangles) is looking at me like he knows something I don't.

What do you know, snakey?

Hmm.

Maybe upon reflection, he's just looking at me and I've been working too hard recently?
(Miraclefish How appropriate, you fight like a cow, Tue 9 Jun 2009, 22:56, 16 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

DONT STOP ME NOW
I'm having such a good time, havin' a ball
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Tue 9 Jun 2009, 22:50, 23 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

So, like, yeah
Me and the missus are totally COMING TO LONDON!

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 9 Jun 2009, 22:44, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Further to my post earlier
which I posted in a strop

In Bruges: fucking excellent. if you haven't seen it then do so.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 9 Jun 2009, 22:22, 22 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I have an apology to make.
More than one. I think most of you saw VC's message earlier. I am a complete and colossal arse. Two people in particular though I really need to apologise to.

First - Vampyrecat. I can never say sorry enough for what I put you through today. From the gaz, to the phone call, to the thread. There is no way I can make this up to you. You were so very strong, so helpful, so brilliant, and I just threw it all back in your face. Then you did an even more brilliant thing:

Halfy. I treated you like an arse when you called me. I treated you like an arse when you text me. I treated you like an arse when I got out. As you were the person who got the police around to my house, and you did actually save my life - I thank you, and apologise most humbly for treating you like shit.

Everyone else, including those who thought I was being a drama queen - sorry for being an arsehole. Those who gazzed - thankyou for taking the time to be supportive. If you're interested, I'm getting a lot more help.

That one other person - thankyou for understanding.
(Potty Jag har smör i min rumpspringa, Tue 9 Jun 2009, 22:13, 24 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Self belief?
I'm confident in a lot of my actions, but know that I fall short in many ways due to a lack of confidence. Eg, I don't think I've ever walked into a bash alone, I've gone with others or met people outside. I fear rejection, but don't crave attention if that makes sense.

I know my strengths and weaknesses and have for the most part accepted them.

How do you deal with confidence issues?
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Tue 9 Jun 2009, 21:49, 32 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Help needed
Report writing time, who can come up with the most imaginative way of saying, your child needs cunting in the fuck?
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Tue 9 Jun 2009, 20:41, 13 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

So there I was
Stood in the vestibule between two carriages of a Virgin train shooting through the lovely Cumbrian countryside. I was still buzzing from an awesome evening yesterday and I was watching horses with new foals, cows with calfs, sheep with lambs etc. I had good music on my iPod and was getting to see Miss Tulip for the first time in eight weeks. I thought to myself, Yes, life is pretty sweet at the moment.

If only I hadn't been bursting for a shit.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Tue 9 Jun 2009, 20:36, 13 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

What was the last text you sent and received?
Sent: What's up grumpyface?
Received: I love you too flangelina
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Tue 9 Jun 2009, 20:20, 35 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

How non pc
Just been doing some research for work on Makaton (special needs sign language) and here is the recommended reading list at the end of the article:

Background for the Makaton Vocabulary:

Graham, J.T. & Graham, L.W. (1971) Language behaviour of the mentally retarded: syntactic characteristics. American Journal of Mental Deficiency, 75, 623-629.

Lovell,K. & Dixon, E.M. (1967) The growth of the control of grammar in imitation, comprehension and production in normal and educationally subnormal special school children. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 8, 31-39.

Lyle, J.G. (1960) The effect of an institution environment upon the verbal development of imbecile children. II: Speech and language. Journal of Mental Deficiency Research, 4, 1-13.

Mein, R. (1961) A study of the oral vocabularies of severely subnormal patients. II: Grammatical analyses of speech samples. Journal of Mental Deficiency Research, 5, 52-62.

Mein, R. & O'Connor, N. A study of the oral vocabularies of severely subnormal patients. Journal of Mental Deficiency Research, 4, 130-143.

O'Connor, N. & Hermelin, B. (1963) Speech and thought in severe subnormality. Oxford: Pergamon Press

Sievers, D.J. & Essa, S.H. (1961) Language development in institutionalized and community mentally retarded children. American Journal of Mental Deficiency, 66, 413-420.
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Tue 9 Jun 2009, 19:34, 32 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

The procrastinator's dream
At work, I've been given the assignment of implementing a system that automatically keeps track of what we've been working on, how long it's been taking us to do each task, and when we arrive/leave the office. Being a seeker of procrastination, the temptations for adding a backdoor are endless. Sadly, there's just one fatal flaw in this plan - I don't get an Internet on my desk.

So what are your ideas for covering up procrastination at work? And what fatal flaws do they have?
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Tue 9 Jun 2009, 19:22, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

This anal sea, is a golf day arse face
Name that tune!

I received another Random Burn 2009 CD today and it has one of my favourite "misheard lyrics" tracks of recent years.

Also, what's your favourite misheard lyric?
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 9 Jun 2009, 19:19, 14 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Don't be sick on the Treadmill.
Apropos of nothing.

Who the fuck is this Michael MacIntyre that the BBC are pushing like dodgy Es? Does anyone find him funny?
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Tue 9 Jun 2009, 19:00, 10 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

BNP leader gets egged,
news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/8091605.stm

Plays into their hands as far as I'm concerned, but still funny.

Who would you like to egg, who have you egged etc.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 9 Jun 2009, 16:53, 54 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Ah, America - bastion of truth and justice
West Virginia mining company is sued. Judge rules in favour of plaintiffs and awards them $50 million.

Mining company says "aren't you up for re-election, Judge?" and dumps $3 million into the judge's opponent's campaign, more than all other contributors combined.

New judge takes office and the mining company appeals, and he refuses to recuse himself from the case as he doesn't see any conflict of interest. Verdict overturned.

Finally the Supreme Court rules that yes, there is a conflict of interest actually, but only 5-4.

4 Supreme Court Justices saw no conflict of interest. Good show, America!
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 9 Jun 2009, 16:52, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

OMG, like whatever happened to OT being the fluffeh part of b3ta? You're all terrible bullies and should be ashamed.
Especially Al and Clendrix. Spiteful spiteful wronguns.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Tue 9 Jun 2009, 15:26, 111 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

More food talk
when I get chips from a chippy I like to douse them so liberally with vinegar that if you breathe in anywhere near them you almost die due to vinegar fumes.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this....
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 9 Jun 2009, 15:24, 22 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

the real question here is
how many of you fatties get a side burger to compliment your main burger when you go to McDonalds?

I've only done this after I've had a long surf, and the only place left open is the drive-through at Barnstaple. I know others who make it a regular thing though. Surprisingly they aren't enormous, and they have reasonably good complexions.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 9 Jun 2009, 15:04, 31 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

After Vipros' excellent suggestion that bacon should be impregnated with caffine...

...thus providing a stimulating and tasty breakfast treat.

What food combinations would you like to see?
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 9 Jun 2009, 14:36, 16 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Hello underclass.
JMG here. Feel free to show off in front of the rest of the slack-jaws.
But for the more calm amongst you. You really should be thanking me for opening doors for you people over at /talk.
One at a time, now.
( Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Tue 9 Jun 2009, 14:21, 52 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

So, MacDonalds.
Is liking Maccy D's really sick? Or just a guilty pleasure?
(Bazongaloid, Tue 9 Jun 2009, 13:57, 90 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I'm just popping out to the corner shop
Milk
Bog Roll
20 B&H
Pack of Cherry Bakewells

anything else for anyone?
(ragged, Tue 9 Jun 2009, 13:55, 10 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Wikipedia and Mammoths
I can't quite remember how I got to this page, but I've found myself browsing Wikipedia articles on Mammoths.

The first thing that made me chuckle was the article on "Lyuba" - a one month old female mammoth calf, found preserved in Siberia by a deer farmer. Why Lyuba? He named this mummified mammoth...after his wife. Flattery will get you everywhere.

Also: "In the late nineteenth century, there were, according to Bengt Sjögren (1962), persistent rumors about surviving mammoths hiding in Alaska."

I like the idea that mammoths survived and just made a collective decision that they would hide from us. I now have the childish but nevertheless hilarious image of a mammoth trying to make itself small behind a fir tree with a group of hunters just metres away from it looking befuddled...

Just thought I'd share that with you all...
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 9 Jun 2009, 13:54, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Hooray
In less than a week I have exams in Calculus, Chemistry, Physics and Engineering.

So now is the fucking best time possible for me to get fucking GLANDULAR FEVER.

But it's not all bad. The doctors say it might just be tonsillitis! I'd only have to get my tonsils removed! Lucky me!

Today was not a good day.
(Holy Gabrielle is Holy, Tue 9 Jun 2009, 13:37, 41 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I'm looking at a new set of suspension forks for my mountain bike...
...The model I'm looking at is equipped with adjustments for Bottom-out Resistance and Blow-off Threshold.

Tell me all about your childish lols.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Tue 9 Jun 2009, 13:22, 19 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Hahaha!
A photo just made me do a full scale office-LOL

It's in the replies!
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 9 Jun 2009, 13:17, 13 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

YES YES YES, THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE, EVAH.
I just brought myself a new telly (this), and one of those HDMI dvd players to go with it, and a new telly stand.

Tomorow I'm going to get a cheap surround sound system from ASDA.

I might celebrate by getting some Blurays too.

What films would you recomend to show off a new telly?
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 9 Jun 2009, 13:13, 34 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Am I totally insane?
Although the answer is probably yes just because I go to this site too often, I just sent in a CV for a job offering for a hydrogeologist in Warwickshire. I doubt they will even contact me as I am in the states instead of the UK, but it could be interesting.
(MichaelS wasn't picked again, Tue 9 Jun 2009, 13:12, 24 replies, latest was 16 years ago)