RIGHT!
I can't be the only loser on here with nothing to do on a Saturday night, surely?

Talk about penises or boobs or something - I'm bored.

alt Q: What's the best pet ever? I want a pig or a rabbit
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Sat 5 Jun 2010, 22:48, 73 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Unexpected Discoveries
I woke up this morning and found a snail in my room. Just underneath the windowsill. I have absolutely no idea what possessed him to climb this far, let alone why he then chose to seek solace in the shelter of my room.

Just thought I'd share that with you. Have you discovered anything peculiar this morning?

Alt Q: If I were to eat him, what should I serve him with?
(LongJohnBaldry, Sat 5 Jun 2010, 9:54, 12 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

So my top tip made the newsletter...
www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/post742981

*smugs a wee bit*
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Fri 4 Jun 2010, 23:56, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

This morning
when I was asked how I knew something-or-other, I said "because I spied it with my rectal skills!...NO! RETINAL! I MEANT RETINAL!"

Ooops.

Anyway, I've been having fun doing a mild bit of trolling on the "Miss Me Yet? I love George W Bush" page on arsebook.

What have you lot been doing to avoid work this lovely Friday afternoon?
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Fri 4 Jun 2010, 17:38, 28 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I KNOW HOW YOU ALL LIKE FOOTBALL
So I've gone and made a league for you all to join for the world cup on account of how nice a guy I am.

www.b3ta.com/links/Its_the_b3ta_World_Cup_Fantasy_Football_Fucking_Thing_Ennit
( mike woz ere 7442200 & 7696970 getter, Fri 4 Jun 2010, 17:37, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Alright, so we all know what you're doing, but what would you rather be doing?
I'd rather be flying to somewhere exotic, on my private jet.
Spend the day by the ocean, catching up on my tan.
Have a fabulous lunch with my friends.
Get pampered, mani, pedi, hair washed and styled, new clothes and off to a swanky dinner party, then to a club for dancing.
( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 4 Jun 2010, 16:11, 105 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Bicycles
I like bicycles, I have 5 of them and I'm very bored and can't escape from work for at least 3 hours, so lets talk about bicycles.

questions:
Do you have a bicycle?
What kind is it?
Does it go Zippy fast?
In what way's is it less gay than Al's bike?

Alt Q: Boris Johnson's Cycle Super Highways, great Idea or a bit gay?
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Fri 4 Jun 2010, 14:48, 135 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Weekend thread
What are you cunts up to?

Alt Q for those who have no life: how many of you pee sitting down?

Alt Q 2: do gentlemen prefer blondes? I know not many gents really come on these boards, but you may have met one once and asked him his sexual preference
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Fri 4 Jun 2010, 13:55, 95 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I'VE LOST MY FOOKING CAR KEYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Arghhhhhhhhh!!


Edit - My grandad did have them. Hahahahahah! He's looking very sheepish.
( girlinthehole, Fri 4 Jun 2010, 13:37, 32 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I got the best spam the other day! I can't believe there hasn't been a Fun With Spam QotW
Does anyone have any clever ideas for replying and fucking with them?

The headline was ACT FAST!!! and then it went:

Hello

This is the only way I could contact you for now,I want you to be very careful about this and keep this secret with you until I make out space for us to see. You have no need of knowing who I am or where I am from.I know this may sound very surprising to you but it’s the situation.I have been paid some ransom in advance to terminate you with some reasons listed to me by my employer.It’s someone I beleive you call a friend, I have followed you closely for a while now and have seen that you are innocent of the
accusations he leveled against you. Do not contact the police or try to send a copy of this to them,because if you do, I will know,and I might be pushed to do what I have been paid to do.Besides, this is the first time I turn out to be a betrayer in my job.I took pity on you,that is why I have made up my mind to help you if you are willing to help yourself.

Now listen,I will arrange for us to see face to face,but before that, I need $30,000. I will come to your home or you determine where you wish we meet; I repeat, do not arrange for the cops and if you play hard to get, it will be extended to your family.Do not set any camera to cover us or set up any tape to record our conversation, my employer is in my control now. Payment details will be provided for you to make a part payment of $15,000
first,which will serve as guarantee that you are ready to you co-operate,then i will post a copy of the video tape that contains his request for me to terminate you which will be enough evidence for you to take any legal action against him before he employs another person for the job. You will pay the balance of $15,000 once you receive the tape.

Warning; do not contact the police, make sure you stay indoors once it is 7.30pm until this whole thing is sorted out,if you neglect any of these warnings, you will have yourself to blame. You do not have much time, so get back to me immediately.

Note:I will advise you keep this to yourself alone, not even a friend or a family member should know about it because it could be one of them.

LARRY TAUB


Now that's innovative! I'm not really worried that my grandma or one of my lazy arts student mates has taken out a hit on me, though... at least not to the tune of tens of thousands of dollars! I'd probably buy it if somebody gave a hobo a sandwich to try and trip me up at the pedestrian crossing.

I feel sorry for that dude turning out to be a betrayer in his job for nothing...

EDIT: Okay, why not: I'm messing with him. Have replied:

"I know exactly who hired you and that guy is going to find himself in
a world of shit very soon.

In fact, let's kill two birds with one stone here - I'm going to up
the price to 50,000, half before and half after. And you're going to
go back to your employer and leave him hanging naked by his ankles
from a nice, high building. Got it?"
(Lieutenant Colonel Oblivious brought to you by intravenous sugar, Fri 4 Jun 2010, 13:19, 9 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Superhero names
My mate Daniel claimed "The Awesome" right off the bat. Our boss pointed and proclaimed "SANDWICH LADY" earlier, so that's her name, although she claims she was trying to do us a favour by pointing out that the sandwich-delivering lady had arrived. I have decided to dress all in white and fling a viscous, sticky substance from my wrists, much like Spiderman but without anywhere near as many useful applications. I shall be called... THE FWAP

You?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 4 Jun 2010, 13:11, 8 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

has anyone here driven across europe?
we're driving from just north of london to Brno in the czech rep in august, and wondered if anyone has any tips? thinking of going Dover-Dunkirk as it's cheapest ferry route I can find, but I have no idea where to stop on the way - I reckon it'll take 2 days, but if we find somewhere nice to stop on the way, will make it a 3 day journey. Oh, and we'll have a 10.5 month old in the car, just to add to the delights of a 100+ mile journey in the middle of summer.

I can't be bothered to come up with an alternative question, but feel free to answer your own.
( ascorbate, Fri 4 Jun 2010, 12:51, 15 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

LUNCH
I've decided I'm only ever going to come in here and start lunch threads then fuck off again.

Tuno mayo baguette today.

Alt Q: You have to eat either; your own hand (raw), a pile of tripe or Brian Blessed's beard which would you chose and why?
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 4 Jun 2010, 12:22, 76 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I have decided
That my goal for the summer is to get even more flexible and learn how to do the centre splits. What's your short term goal?

Alternatively, what would be your ideal costume at a fancy dress party?
I've decided I want to be Beetlejuice for Halloween this year, so either that or the Wicked Witch of the East.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 4 Jun 2010, 10:41, 198 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Who wants to pretend that they're Wall-E?
Live feed from the diamond-saw-wielding robots trying to fix the hole in the Gulf of Mexico

I'd have posted this on /links, but they seem a bit backward over there with their Youtube videos and their pyjama parties
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 4 Jun 2010, 8:18, 78 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Morning campers!
It's Friday, it's sunny, I'm alive!
Got a shit day coming up in work, but I'm finishing early and getting on a train to see my dude, so I'm mostly happy.

What happy thoughts will keep you wading through the shit with a smile today?
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 4 Jun 2010, 7:49, 65 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I'm still feeling ill
but really awake. If any miscreants are lurking, what's your reason for not being out living it up?
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 3 Jun 2010, 22:55, 21 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Nick Swardson
I heart him. I can't find the video I really want to post here, but it involves him relaying the story of his watch prank.
I'd quite like to see him live.

Who's your favorite stand up comedian? Any favorite videos?
( Lisette von Falcon, Thu 3 Jun 2010, 18:50, 15 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

/OT I need your help
I know you are all chock full of sartorial wisdom and as such you should furnish me with your views on what sort of shoes I should wear with this suit:

www.b3tards.com/u/48ca4e4a50b7cad28251/dscf1703.jpg

also: Lab, you are a bastard
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 3 Jun 2010, 16:29, 130 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I've become what I hate
I've finally given into the lure of big sunglasses.

How have you given into the lure of the dark side?

Alt Q: what type of biscuit is the best?
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 3 Jun 2010, 16:14, 71 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

bloody hell
I just got an email from sro audiences, who get audiences together for TV shows - think I signed up for the email list a few years ago when I was regularly going to see Have I got News for You live. Anyway, excuses for receiving the email over, look at this:

"The biggest show on earth just got bigger! James Corden presents his unique take on the World Cup along with some big name celebrity guests, football legends and fantastic regulars on his brand new ITV show James Corden’s World Cup Live.

This will be the hottest ticket in town; the best place in the country to watch the World Cup - and you could be there!

James Corden’s World Cup Live is an entertainment show that combines comedy, glamour, sport, music and all the colour of the tournament to create the ultimate celebration of the World Cup.

James wants to create a month-long party through an incredibly vibrant, energetic and atmospheric studio. As well as being a live studio show, we will interact with our viewers at home and the studio audience. This show isn’t just for football fans; it’s got something for everybody. Bring on the World Cup!

Some episodes will take place at The ITV London Studios, and some at BBC TV Centre. If you'd like to join James, then apply now!"

Can you imagine anything more soul destroying than this? Really?
( ascorbate, Thu 3 Jun 2010, 14:02, 96 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I just touched my penis...
...after handling chilli seeds.

Wouldn't recommend it.
(god_is_a_ghoti Carpe Deum., Thu 3 Jun 2010, 12:52, 28 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

DING
LUNCHTIME THREAD!
I have eggmayo AGAIN
I just wanted to ding

Edit
aLT q: Why do I always start threads at the same time as someone else with a more exciting thread that will get loads more replies and leave me crying myself to sleep?
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 3 Jun 2010, 12:45, 105 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I've had my dinner, I'm bored and want to get home and have a drinkypoo.
There is a slight frisson of excitment in the background as I'm getting my tattoo done on Saturday but other than that I'm staring at my belly and trying to learn to love it.

Any ideas on how I'm to get over my fat belly fixation?
( girlinthehole, Thu 3 Jun 2010, 12:45, 55 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Stockport beer festival tonight!
And again on Saturday.

I'm sorry for all of you who can't make it, I'll drink one for each of you :))

What are your plans for today?
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 3 Jun 2010, 10:13, 118 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Just to make it easy for you
After last night's FB friending, I am now, officially, a Friend of Dorothy. Take your shots, people.

Also, I learnt this morning that a 4.5 mile jog with a belly full of turkey curry does not go well. Turns out the last thing your bowels need is jiggling when they're itching to evacuate. What have you learnt already today?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 3 Jun 2010, 8:48, 259 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Shit folks ... that's awful
Just wanted to send my interweb love to all of you not-so-merry b3tans who might be affected by the Cumbrian massacre.

Jeez ... the Cumbrian massacre sounds like something you were set to study at O level Ancient History.

I just spent all morning feeling miserable over a fight with my husband (over nothing) a week ago which is still simmering away. Then I boot up my computer to realise that the most beautiful place in England is littered with corpses with stunned expressions on what's left of their faces.

Shit guys ... just ... shit.
(Que?, Thu 3 Jun 2010, 4:06, 56 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

This isn;t links
But its a slow night and this is the only thing I could think of as a conversation starter

James Bond's car is on sale
www.reghardware.com/2010/06/02/aston_martin_db5_james_bond_auction/
What one thing would you buy if you had the money?
( Tedium Alduce me to interlow myself., Wed 2 Jun 2010, 23:33, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Hi /qotw. Sorry to bother you, but did that ousgg cunt run to here?
Is he hiding? Can you send him back to /talk please. We want to apologise.
(__, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 20:49, 10 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Please form an orderly queue.
The missus is making moussakka and there's enough to go round. And with the heat outside, coupled with the inferno that is our kitchen, it actually feels like Greece in these parts today. This is made even more authentic by the fact that I've just looked at my bank balance and I'm fucking skint again, two weeks before payday. However, I somehow doubt that the rest of Europe is going to bail me out on this one.

How does you neck of the woods resemble another part of the world today?
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 2 Jun 2010, 19:27, 28 replies, latest was 16 years ago)