Once, on a political website, I saw a trot misquote Mao and say "A revolution is not a tea party."
To which someone replied "Except the Boston Tea Party."
( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 19:34, Reply)

A stranger came into my local one evening
Odd chap, late 40's with a heavy wood walking stick, long hair, beard and a wearing a Homburg.

I found everything about this fella amusing. He must have caught me casting glances at him one time too many, when 4 or 5 pints into the evening he stood up and shouted "I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS", stomped over to me and waving his stick in my face bellowed "I'M GOING TO TURN YOU INTO WOMAN"

Stopped me in my tracks.
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Thu 24 Nov 2011, 19:33, 2 replies)

"Show us your testicles" (heckled at an astronomy talk)

( Ysol ab abl blap, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 19:27, 1 reply)

Chum of mine...
He was talking a whole lot of rubbish one fine day; I seem to recall he was acting smugly, mainly as he'd managed to get an answer to a particularly tricksy question and he was generally being a bit of an arse and, gloatingly, he expulsed that "There's no flies on me!"

I responded, quicker than ever I had before, "That's surprising considering you're such a big sack of shit..."
(Chickenwire social lubricator extraordinaire, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 19:23, Reply)

Whilst at the pub
A while back in the pub with a few mates, someone looking a little worse for wear had tried to pick a fight with another denizen of said drinking establishment, and was simply told "something tells me you're new to this drinking thing"
(Maccy Divided by 0 on, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 19:12, Reply)

Lost in the supermarket
Back in my Sainsbury's days I was a lowly shelf-stacker working alongside two not-unattractive womanfriends in their late 30s, Jenny and June. I'd decided to grow a crap beard (it's your right once you hit 21 to try and grow face-fuzz) which I was rubbish at maintaining, sparse in some areas, thick and bristly in others. Jenny had started to call me Jesus because of this unsightly follicular growth.
After a few months of this, I finally came up with a good (well, acceptable) comeback - next time she called me Jesus I'd call her Mary (geddit?) - and looked forward to using it...

And lo, soon I walked past Jenny and June...
Jenny called out "How's it going, Jesus?"
"Fine thanks, how are you... Mary?"
There was a pause. Then June spoke.
"Mary, she ain't..."
( The Silent Channel is getting his recommended 5-a-day, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 19:08, Reply)

I was walking across the road the other week
and this group of kids aged about 11 year old were loitering on the other side, I'd not even got halfway across the road when one of them shouted "Anyone on this street right now who has red hair stinks of piss" (I have red hair).

It was too funny to not laugh out loud at!
( Mrs Sp@m, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 19:04, 1 reply)

Bashar al-Assad
He's rather good at putting people down.
( P-MONKE We're all fucked, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 18:59, Reply)

He took it well
So long ago, a mate of mine went out on the lash with some of his friends.

He got out the taxi before the others and ran across the road to the first nightclub he saw, and went right in.

At the bar he heard the bouncer having a commotion with his other mates, not letting them in. He went over to enquire why they weren't being admitted.

"Because they're obviously not gay" was the bouncers reply.

Just because he's well groomed
(Kliper Filllets Getting noticed by twats on the internet since, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 18:55, 35 replies)

Overheard in a factory..
" I tell you what Carl, your nothing but a wank that should have ended up on the fire back, but yer Mum came home early from Bingo.."
(frightfullybored, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 18:49, Reply)

my brother
rang me
Him: Thought I'd give you a call as I was just thinking of you.
Me: ahhhh
Him: yup, just trod in some dog shit
Ouch bro, I did a laugh/sob but mostly sobbed. You see he hadn't actually trodden in dog shit, he was calling me a dog shit
p.s.
I had the last laugh, he slipped on some dog shit and died ... in dog shit
( spingers, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 18:37, Reply)

It's a traditional gag, but...
...immediately after a session on the drill square, waiting for the transport to take us to the shooting ranges, someone asked the drill sergeant "can we smoke?".

Spoken in the thickest of thick Scouse accents, through the thickest of thick Scouse moustaches, came the immortal line "You can burst into fuckin flames as far as I'm concerned, lad."
(SonofRojBlake, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 18:31, Reply)

In pretty much only annual review in seven years
my (soon to be ex)boss' only supposed criticism was that I should "try to be less of a maverick" - I took it much more as a compliment to be honest.

However, my fear is that he might have meant "unbranded calf, cow, or steer, especially an unbranded calf that is separated from its mother." meh.
( @><|= w0nu!) or cunt to my friends, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 18:25, Reply)

This one was a while back, here in Edin
Bunch of drunk posh girls from Napier hockey club or somesuch, fussing and ranting at the doorman because they weren't allowed into the Edinburgh uni clubnight (for that they were too drunk.)

My friends who were behind them in the queue and had been listening to this bollocks for ages flash their (similar-looking) student cards are let through; posh girl #1 points rudely and demands 'Why are you letting them in? What have they got that we haven't?'

My friend looked at her and said 'UCAS points?'
(jennymnemonic, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 18:10, 20 replies)

Losing Luggage, Gaining Laughter
A good friend of mine from my college days and later has since undergone a sex change operation. However, during the years leading up to the "gender reassignment" project completion, (s)he received quite a lot of grief from her elder sister and her divorced mother's then-new boyfriend regarding her future choice. One evening, after I had arrived during a rare gathering of all 4 plus myself for a planned evening out, I entered the neo-row house just in time to hear the elder sister utter, "well, you'll always be my little Charles to me." Chas immediately retorted with, "you're just angry because I'll be a much better daughter than you ever were." This was followed by a shriek and gales of laughter from their mother, Nancy, who was in the kitchen preparing a tray of light snacks for us to enjoy before heading out.

As the giggles from the kitchen subsided, Hank, the new boyfriend said, "so, Chas, you just can't hack it as a male?" It was my turn then, and being weak on ammo at the time, I pulled out an ancient line to hit him with. "Listen, buddy, the next time we want an outburst from an asshole, I'll fart, okay?" Hank turned his head to look at me but was immediately distracted by the resumption of laughter from the kitchen area. Hank quickly called out, "did you hear what he just called me?" only to be thwarted by Nancy's condescending tones: "Hank, you are a major asshole - but we all love you anyway." The look on his face said everything: it wasn't my tired old line which had caused him any distress, but his girlfriend's support of it which had deflated his ego.

The rest of the evening passed without incident brought about, no doubt, by Nancy's lovely support and appreciation of everyone present.

Including all the assholes.
( Felis Concolor, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 18:05, Reply)

Inexplicably one night at local "youth club" pub they decide to stick a bouncer on the door
Being 17, but therefore some of the more mature regulars, a group of us get to the door only to be stopped in our tracks by gorilla-proportioned man nonchalantly raising his paw much to the amusement of the all too young crowd inside. "Got any ID?" without batting eyelid I replied "Got any IQ?"

Now admittedly not the best formed sentence of my life, but it was more the reactionary scratch of head and "OK, in you go" that made it funny.

They didn't have a bouncer the next week or ever again to my knowledge.
( @><|= w0nu!) or cunt to my friends, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 18:00, Reply)

Sailing on the good ship detention............
Picture the scene.......................

A young me is sat bored out of my brains in a GCSE Maths lesson learning some crap about estimation and percentages or some such other uselessness.

Maths Teacher : "Kickstandrich. How many teachers work in this school?"

You know that moment in life when your brain comes up with an answer but forgets to pass it by the internal censorship control interface? That is exactly what happened to me. I answered the question without giving it due course of thought and paid the price.

Me: "About ten percent of them Miss?"

Cue hearty laughter from classmates and scowl from teacher.

Maths Teacher "Good use of percentages. Now how many days of after school detention do you estimate you will receive for your insolence?"

Me (cursing under my breath) "Two Miss?"

I was wrong by 100% I got four days after school detention from the hateful old bag.

Although every time I see a percentage sign it raises a smile.
(kickstandrich last had sex with your mum/sister/wife/daughter on, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 17:58, 1 reply)

Jimmy Carr
Not that I'm a fan of the pompous mincer, but he came out with one of the greatest heckler-put downs I have ever heard.

A gentleman in the audience was being rather obnoxious for a prolonged period of time. Eventually Jimmy addressed the man and began to explain how annoying it was, this was his profession and it was made all the more difficult with people constantly interrupting him. He finished with the retort "How would you like it if I came to your place of work and slapped all of the sailor's cocks out of your mouth?"
(TheColonel, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 17:52, 2 replies)

my housemate.
Talking to him in the pub about a lass who I was arranging to meet. His reply after I explain we seem to share a mutual like for each other?

"So what are you going to say when she notices your cock has a hand-grip built into it?"
( Slippery Mick &#8207;, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 17:46, Reply)

About this time last year
I was walking through a large shopping centre on a Saturday afternoon, which being a few weeks before Xmas was pretty heaving, and carrying a big tray of touch explosives caked in anthrax spores and nails. It was at that moment that my phone went off.

That was a pretty devastating put-down.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 17:18, Reply)

There seem to be a lot of comedians' responses to heckling:
Martin Mull - "Aww, isn't it sad when cousins marry."
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 17:14, Reply)

Somebody's enquiries were both irrelevant and too personal:
"Tell you what, if it ever becomes your business you'll be the first to know."
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 17:05, Reply)

My seven year old nephew asked me why we bombed Dresden in the Second World War.
Seeing that he was clearly maturing, I fielded this sensibly, and without going into the First World War, simply explained about it's being akin to the shock n' awe programme in Iraq, and that it was a strategic move.

He looked me up and down, went bright red, and burst out "YOU'RE NOT FUNNY ANY MORE!"
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 17:01, 1 reply)

Simple. Perfect
Mate from work meets Mrs. Alchemist for the first time. She nips off to the toilet.

him "what's the story?"
me "huh!"
him "well... she's really good looking and you're... well... [points at face] you know"
(funky alchemist is neither funky nor an alchemist, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 16:51, 8 replies)

Up The Creek Comedy Club in Greenwich.
One night I was in the crowd watching the live stand-up. Malcolm Hardee (gawd bless his soul) was compere (as per) and was mid way through one of his stints.

Malcom, telling one of his wonderful stories gets interrupted by this voice a few rows back which pipes up with, "that's the biggest load of bollocks!"

Known for being somewhat of an exhibitionist at times, Malcolm calmly unzips his trousers and whips out the biggest pair of testicles ever seen before uttering:

"and this is the biggest lot you'll ever see my son".

Genius.
( addickted has attained freedom, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 16:48, 2 replies)

This one was particularly bad for the poster
www.b3ta.com/questions/tactless/post1420564

Bit of a thoughtless question this week if you ask me.
( Pig Bodine., Thu 24 Nov 2011, 16:45, 1 reply)

I read about this years ago
I'm not taking credit for it, obviously, but wanted to share this with the masses:

Glenn McGrath (bowling to portly Zimbabwean chicken farmer Eddo Brandes): "Hey Eddo, why are you so F**ing Fat?"
Eddo Brandes: "Because everytime I F*** your mother, she gives me a biscuit"

Well played sir. Well played.
( Ya What Skiddlyboop, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 16:43, 12 replies)

Once had a visit from some bible obsessed individuals travelling door to door.
I answered the door unsuspectingly and found myself still there ten minutes later in a rather heated arguement about how the bible is nothing more than a collection of allegorical stories that had been passed down through generations by word of mouth and had had since been translated numerous times, so, you know, not everything in it might be 100% true.

They were having none of it though, and would respond to my every arguement with some line of scripture or whatever that woul somehow prove me wrong in their eyes.

The had reeled off one such line when my flatmate arrived back from work, heard what they were saying and decided to join in.

'That's not my favourite passage.'
'Oh, tell me then, what is?'
'Your mum's c**t.'

They never did come back with the leaflets they said they were going to give me.

Edit- I know that this is technically a)Recycled, and b) a 'your mum line, but It's the best one I've ever heard, some I'm posting it, dagnabbit.
(FartThroughAWalkieTalkie wished you were dead in ditch on, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 16:42, 2 replies)

Out at a posh "do" at a restaurant
This woman wouldn't stop talking about herself "me me me... Fabulous frock I am wearing... Designer frock, blah blah blah".

My friend was getting agitated and interrupted her with "I think you would look divine in something long and flowing". "Ooh you think so?" she replied.

"Yeah. The Thames".

Some of us were in mid sip and spat out our wine from trying to stifle our laughs.

She had nowhere to go. She couldn't move seats and for the rest of the dinner she glowered while we tried to behave as if nothing had happened, all the while stifling our urge to keep bursting out laughing.
( Flowerpot No longer has the vapours thanks to DTH, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 16:40, 3 replies)

OK, I can do this QOTW.
You're all shitty shut at home mouth breathers with damp patches on your clothes and calluses on your sweaty virgin palms and not one of your answers this week is going to be anything other than wish fulfilment, after the event "shit I wish I'd said that" internet lies, you bunch of fucking pathetic virgins who I wouldn't waste my piss on if you caught fire because your laptop over heated while downloading the hour after hour of gross out tentacle rape “pretend you're not a paedo” hentai porn and set fire to the rancid squalor of the bedroom that Mummy and Daddy are too scared to enter because of the smell of mouldy pizza crusts and cum stained sheets, you pathetic, pasty faced, clammy handed socially inept fucktards.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 16:35, 23 replies)