Erm..
"why are there loads of tissues under your sofa"

That is all
(smoglane!, Mon 28 Nov 2005, 0:58, Reply)

shame
As a young boy of about 10 or 11 I used to check my parents bedrooms out (my parents had separate rooms).
In my Dads room there was always top notch scandinavian porn, because he was a top notch copper!
Mum had sherry, and tear-stained tissues, because my dad was a copper.
I found my mums non-doctor appliance.
To think I held it in my hand and laughed, it gives me flashbacks.
I now have shame, 30 years later.
But I still giggle about it when i'm pissed!
(davric, Mon 28 Nov 2005, 0:43, Reply)

And thinking of urine...
Seems like I can't get this wee thing right...

I used to be in a re-enactment society, and we were at a weekend festival where we would set up period-accurate camps and all that, and the public could come along and see how people lived in the old days, talk to us and all that, and then watch us stab each other with big spears.

Anyway, one of the members was being a sort of doctor character, and in order to diagnose me gave me a glass and asked me to relieve myself in it. So I did. Of course, it turns out I was supposed to have filled it with apple juice, but how the hell was I supposed to know that??? Apparantly she was going to have a sip from it to freak out the public, but was a little suspicious of the warmth - thankfully. I don't think my face has ever burned as much as when that one spread around the camp.
(HarryTheMole whatever's on my finger is going in your mouth, Mon 28 Nov 2005, 0:34, Reply)

Yet another booze related one...
I went to a party a while back, had a pretty good time, got lashed, and woke up in my bed the following afternoon feeling a little worse for wear. And that's what I remember.

But it's not what happened.

Apparantly, I had decided that I couldn't be bothered to walk home, and had crashed at a mate's new girlfriend's house which was close to the party. I fell asleep on the sofa with a glass of water. When they woke me up in the morning said glass was full of a suspiciously dark yellow liquid. Upon being asked what it was, I replied with "I don't know, but it doesn't taste very nice"...

I drank my own urine, pretty much in front of my mate's new girlfriend. And her hot housemate.
(HarryTheMole whatever's on my finger is going in your mouth, Mon 28 Nov 2005, 0:26, Reply)

I have just read a review of the new James Bond game 'From Russia With Love'.
The review said that the visuals were good but the game was far too easy and a four year old could walk right through it.

I am ashamed to say I bought the game Tuesday, got to about the 5th level on Tuesday night and got stuck there.

I am still stuck there today, the following Sunday. It's not just the shame it's the humiliation as well.

/edit/ still stuck there Monday.

( Enigmatic ™                 Voice No More                  ©, Mon 28 Nov 2005, 0:16, Reply)

I once drove
through a red light district in northern Iraq and was arrested for Kurd crawling.
(mittymutu, Mon 28 Nov 2005, 0:08, Reply)

I thought saying the word "Doc" would make me sound 'cool'
While in recovery from a near terminal bout of peritonitis (which occurred from a previously posted about appendocectomy) I was off school for about five weeks.

By the third or fourth week I was allowed out of home and was in town and happened to meet Jane Gunn (to follow on from my previous post on this QOTW, Jane Gunn was also impossibly attractive, and was involved in school drama. She played Mole in the school production of Wind in the Willows, a part I felt my shite eyesight had prepared me for admirably).

Anyway, met Jane Gunn in town and she asked how I was - I was amazed that she was actually talking to me. I was still in the phase of thinking that running around school really quickly and pretending to be physically strong was how you attracted women. This whole talking to members of the opposite sex thing was obviously still waaaaaaay on the horizon of inter-gender socialisation as far as I knew.

On being asked how I was my response was obviously to play it 'cool'.

I said: "Doc' thinks I'm going to be ok". Yes I said Doc instead of doctor, like I was a US Marine in a WWII war movie.

Her eyes narrowed pityingly as I cringed at my uttering and she asked "Which 'doc' would that be?" (nicely it has to be said)

"Um, Doctor Ransford" I said. I then realised that her dad was a doctor. It turned out that he worked in the same practice or at least she knew him as a family friend.

Once again I had blown it. The shame...
(Wascally Weasel now with 100% fewer jokes., Sun 27 Nov 2005, 23:38, Reply)

Warmonger
Woke up one morning after hitting it rather heavily the night before until like 5am. Still, was woken about 11ish with my house mate demanding we go to the shop for bread.
Not in best moods. It's cold, I'm hungover & still on a come down. I'm slightly ill. Basically, I don't want to be bothered, so I dress in a trenchcoat, collar up, and my trilby tilted so no one can see my face.
Coming up to the shops, there's this stall with guys with clipboards standing in front of it. One of them says, direted towards me & my mate, "Hey there guys, help bring our troops back home?"
First smart arse thing I can think of saying to get this guy out of my face? "No thanks, I like war."
Cue me then quickening my pace once it clicks in my brain what I've just said. Don't look back, but apparently my housemate had just stopped mid pace, gobsmacked, only to then peg it to catch back up with me, also not looking back.
_{We walked a different way home. Housemate asked me "What if his father was a soldier?" just to rub it in. What if? Then I hope he knows his son is a failure.}
( Insane Maniac musically inclined (about 45°), Sun 27 Nov 2005, 23:34, Reply)

one armed man
haha! i was at a restaurant once with my friends and, being drunk, managed to spill my drink all over the floor. After a fit of giggles, i shouted "IT WASN'T ME - TWAS THE ONE ARMED MAN!" and sat down

didn't realise there was actually a one-armed man sitting at the table next to ours

he gets up and comes over to the table and taps me on the shoulder with his arm-stump

he goes "What u been drinkin luv? i was over dere da whole time"

argh.. i still cringe
(brotagaia, Sun 27 Nov 2005, 23:32, Reply)

Euphrosne
Yep, did that too.

Her name was Claire. She was in the year above me at school. She played Olivia in the school production of Twelth Night. I played Sir Toby Belch (a part I'm rapidly growing into in real life). Being a year older she went to the sixth form college a year before me.

So when I get there, I see her in the corridor and she had the *shortest* hair and was wearing a headscarf covering most of her almost bald skull.

Being the thoughtful, intelligent person I am I obviously said:

"Ha, ha, ha, you look like you've just had an operation for a brain tumour!"

She said:

"Yes, and the doctors think I'm going to be ok"

I didn't speak to her for the whole rest of that year. Would run and hide if I saw her coming.

She really did have a serious brain tumour but has remained ok I gather. I saw her entry on freinds reunited a while back and she's alive, happy, still very attractive and now lives in the US. Still feel bad about that story though.
(Wascally Weasel now with 100% fewer jokes., Sun 27 Nov 2005, 23:20, Reply)

Oh the shame
To cut a long story short, I had been waiting in the line to see Matthew Reilly.

I finally got to the front of the queue and he signed my book and asked me what other authors I liked.

My reply: "errrrm...Steven Speilberg..."
(DarthDonsbal, Sun 27 Nov 2005, 22:55, Reply)

no really, not my shame
15, bitchy as hell, and bitter about not being cool, my best friend (p) and i were stood in the school playground muttering offensive comments *almost* within earshot of the trendy kids (as you do)

(p) - 'what the fucks up with her hair'
(trendy girl) - 'i've got cancer'

yeah, she'd only been off school having chemo for the last 4 months - and we'd not noticed, oh the shame

i'm so sorry
and it wasn't even me
(Euphrosne, Sun 27 Nov 2005, 22:48, Reply)

Singing along to Gwen Stefani
*shudders*
(Flabbergaster laughs at danger (and breaks all the rules), Sun 27 Nov 2005, 22:36, Reply)

Shame! And holes!
We were doing a little sex-ed in Primary school (really soft stuff back then!)

Near the end, I ask 'how do you know which hole?'

*shame*!

Still, I think the teachers were more uncomfortable than me. They didn't tell me either, so I'm still in the dark about that one.

Also I was once changing for PE in primary school, and accidentally pulled down my pants with my trousers. But no apologies for length were made.
(Stu Moo winner of five nobble piece prizes, Sun 27 Nov 2005, 21:57, Reply)

Another one...
I have got several really but I can't remember most of them but I was told I did this even though I can't remember it...

Once when I was a little nipper (about 2 or 3), I went to a shoe store (shame in itself) with my Auntie. Whilst in the shoe store, an elderly Indian gentleman (who was a Sikh I presume) was there with his Turban. Whilst trying on some shoes, I spotted this gentleman. Cue me, shouting very loudly: "Look Auntie (insert name here), there's a genie!"

The shame. What isn't shameful, however, is the length
(The_Reaper, Sun 27 Nov 2005, 20:24, Reply)

When I was a young lad (8 and under)
If I had been put to bed I had to stay there. If I put one foot out of the bed I would be beaten by either parent, they both enjoyed it.
Sometimes you need to pee, despite going before I went to bed.
I tried lots of methods, peeing out the window was incredibly noisy and heard by parents. I tried peeing on the carpet but this formed a puddle so made splashing sounds.
I tried the spray around the room method which was partially successful. Finally I learnt to creep out of bed and lay sideways and pee under the bed with the spray method.

This went on for a while until the smell gave me away. I told my mother the cat had been peeing under the bed and for a long time she believed me and rubbed the cats nose in the floor regularly to try to stop it.
I am ashamed I laughed at the cat's confusion and terror, but most of all I am ashamed at the way my parents treated and marred a young innocent mind and I am doing my utmost to never be even slightly like them to my children.

I got found out in the end when my sister heard me peeing when the cat was in her room and told my parents who took turns beating me.
(Later, Sun 27 Nov 2005, 19:38, Reply)

I don't live here...
Very very drunken night out, drank about 25 bottles of cheap beer and a few vodka martini's (Was going through a James Bond fetish at the time). Left the crap local bar we were in and went into town to carry on drinking. Lost friends between pubs as I was a drunken mess, so decided to go for a piss around the back of some nearby terraced houses before I tried to find a bus/taxi anything to get home, fell asleep for about 30 mins in a pile of black binbags...

So good so far, nothing too shameful, however this is the part it gets bad.
- I lived in a flat above a very similar looking terraced block and thought that one of the houses was mine. (Although some bastard had nicked the fire escape up to my front door.) Scaled a 15 foot wall, crawled 30 foot along it, jumped onto the roof of the house via a sloped extension, edged along a further 15 foot on the roof, lowered myself onto the kitchen window ledge, put the top window through with my elbow and climbed in- went into the lounge of the place and went to sleep on the sofa so I didn't disturb my missus (not that she was in this random house)... Trouble is that I sleep in the nude...
Next thing I know I'm being woke up by two police women (!?!?) and carted off to the cells for the rest of the night- I was in such a drunken state I hadn't got a clue what was happening, so started asking the police women if they were the strippers, and if they spat or swallowed...
I'd blacked out during this whole event and I couldn't actually remember what had happened when I woke in the morning, until I asked the duty sargent why I was in the cell...

Shame?
The word is not enough to describe it.

Luckily the woman who lived in the flat and the police saw the funny side- the police kept calling me spiderman, and asked if I was a professional cat burgler, and the flat owner didn't press charges- Although I paid for the glazier to go round and repair the window.

Apologies for the length (although the police women didn't make any comment about that)

NOTE: 1st post wooyay
(KinkyNinja, Sun 27 Nov 2005, 19:08, Reply)

I moved out of my flat and didn't go back for weeks to collect everything
including my Hamster, Colin.

He had starved to death.

I feel genuine shame at this.
( Hankster, Sun 27 Nov 2005, 18:37, Reply)

I am both ashamed and mildly proud
www.b3ta.com/talk/712961
( Fenris temporary Lazarus, Sun 27 Nov 2005, 18:20, Reply)

Phase
One of the many phases we went through at our school was the "Your Mum" phase where whatever question was asked, we shouted (and I mean shouted) "Your Mum" at the top of our lil' voices.
Had a mate who's Mum had died when he was about 1ish.
You can see where this is going right?
In the canteen munching down on my friend's crisps which I had sneakily nicked when aforementioned friend came along and joined our little group. Cue conversation
"Hey Reaper, how are you?"
"YOUR MUM!"

Ouch! He was cool with it and used it quite often as well.
(The_Reaper, Sun 27 Nov 2005, 18:03, Reply)

Once, at school
I called my teacher "mum".

He was male.

That is all.
(MrC. Having the most boring username on b3ta since 2004, Sun 27 Nov 2005, 17:00, Reply)

the shame of co-op jaffas
I just had to buy co-op jaffas my local co-op is the shop from hell 2m wide biscuit section no bloody mcvites. I almost ran home.



brotagaia your my kind of lady fancy a date?
(jaffacakes, Sun 27 Nov 2005, 16:49, Reply)

Workmates Sister
OK, there I am at a leaving doo Thursday night and a guy from work bring along his sister.

During the course of the night I decide it's a great idea to get off with her even though everyone else in the room knows I'm supposed to be in love with this American girl I've been seeing for the last 2 years and even though I know a good mate of mine is interested in her and he's single and all that.

If he's not ashamed he fucking should be.

No, I'm not bitter, honest!
(bill, Sun 27 Nov 2005, 16:41, Reply)

oh dear god... the worst ever
in my first year at uni i was enjoying all teh sex which goes on, and was getting more than my fair share. but there was this girl i really fancied, and one night, i was shocked when she came into my room, straddled me without saying a word and we got down to it pretty quick.

now this girl had the best body ever, best ass, tanned, perky tits... she was beautiful. i was doing her doggy style and imagining all my uni mates cheering me on for shagging this stunner... so in my head i'm hearing them saying "hip hip! horrrayyyy!" over and over.... weird i know.. but then the worst bit... i suddenly blurted out in full voice whilst stuffing her love oven "AND ONE FOR GOOD LUCK!"...

I was so embarrassed, she gave me the strangest look like "what the fuck?" that i will never be able to forget. :(
( northernwifeb3ta is going to Dubai in December :D for "work", Sun 27 Nov 2005, 16:00, Reply)

Church
When i was wee my fmaily were catholic (til dad decided to commit adultery and get a divorce then he converted to C of E to marry the bitch (we don't talk anymore)) anyhoo, back to the story, first time my parents decided i was old enough to not go to sunday school and should get to stay for the whole service -woo! the priest guy was talkin bout it bein spring and lambs. i'd recently spent some time on a friends farm and had learnt bout the things that go on - where food comes from etc. so the priest asks somethin like "what do we do to lambs in spring?"(dunno why,seems an odd question for a priest) cue me shoutin out "castrate them!" had i been old enough i would have been ashamed, pretty sure my parents were shamed enough for me, got a clip round the ear and sent back to sunday school for that. no longer a catholic or else im sure i'd feel shame about sleepin with guys,takin drugs and gettin paraletically drunk and now living with a man and not bein married ot him!!i will burn!!
(fuck_a_duck, Sun 27 Nov 2005, 15:33, Reply)

Talking to people at concert band
talking about relatives at uni etc.

Friend; "So where does your sister go to uni"
Me; "Glasgow"
Them; "Strathclyde?"
Me; "No, the real uni"
them "My parents went to strathclyde..."
Me; "Oh........"

Fortunately forgiveness was given, Hoorah :)
(Amers the Great, Sun 27 Nov 2005, 15:01, Reply)

I once shagged
a 15 year old schoolgirl beneath a privet bush.

i was arrested for under-edge sex.
(mittymutu, Sun 27 Nov 2005, 13:47, Reply)

Oh, the humanity!
Oooh... the shame of it all! There have been some truly cringe-inducing things that I have done in my life.

Like the time that I left the bath running (I forgot it was running- got distracted by a phone call), and it overflowed. A lot. A lot a lot. I was living in a top-floor flat at the time and completely destroyed everything that was in the flat below. I've stuck to showers ever since.

Then there was the time that I cheated on my biology GCSE papers (thank God for Encarta!), and got straight A's, along with the school prize (one way ticket to Hell... perhaps).

And a lot of shame for this one. Standing in JFK, in NYC, in the toyshop. They had model 747s. I picked one up, and said perhaps (in hindsight) somewhat too loudly "Now all I need is a model skyscraper!" Glares all round for that one.

Or maybe... no, I'm not telling about that one. That's too evil...

Well, there was watching the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and actually enjoying the film...

::EDIT::

That joke in the post above mine is bloody awful...
( jim_bob can herd cats., Sun 27 Nov 2005, 12:09, Reply)

Weel chair
i was on a train goign to chichester once, and because i had my bike i sat in the luggage van. In the van at the same time was a man and his weel chair bound wife. we got chatting and i was told how they went on a boat trip earlier in the day. she told me how it was very rough on the water and how she was tyhe only one not to get sea sick. so i replied:

"well not all of us have sea legs."

i know its not that funny, but i was fairly embarresed and hads the decency to not talk after that.
oh i've also told a girlfriend she 'wasnt actually that bad looking' but she was ginger. I also told a girl i liked she was like my fit mate, only not so fit :D
(Alan Procastination, Sun 27 Nov 2005, 11:30, Reply)