Ah yes
Friend of mine, can't be arsed to think of a clever code so let's call him Steve.
We got completely destroyed on weed and liquor and since we could barely remember how to get to the door, he crashed at my place for the night.
Wake up in the middle of the night to discover:
a) Steve is suddenly in my bed.
b) Yep, still wasted.
c) Steve is shaking me awake, a look of panic on his face as he tells me that he'd lost track of time and we had to leave soon.

Immediately after this he passes straight out. Odd, I thought. Since my mind wasn't in any condition to remember pressing activities on my schedule, I began to panic he actually meant it. So it was my turn to shake him awake. He sat bolt upright and resumed panicking.
"Smith, we've got to get to the airport!"

He passed out again. I realized that Steve was just drunk talking at this point, but he kept waking up and weaving an increasingly elaborate story about how we would miss our flight if we didn't leave soon, and how they would lose our luggage. Never did find out where we were headed.

Apologies for (insert knob joke here)
(A Wooden Leg Named Smith, Fri 24 Aug 2007, 19:05, Reply)

Freak child
I managed similar exploits in my formative years, none of which were as a result of the dreaded piss. I've awoken halfway through number of various activities:

-With a jar of Marmite in my hand and a fully set breakfast table before me.
-Presenting cups of tea to various members of the family at random times of night.
-Pissing in various places including, but not limited to, a cupboard, standing on my bed, the greenhouse and up a tree in our neighbour's garden.

Have also managed:
-Conversations, fully blown duologues with other people and not found out until days later.

Best of all, I climbed into bed with my 4 year old sister and proceeded to piss myself. We weren't discovered until the morning and the smell of slash was pretty pervasive through both space and time.

My dear mother, not wanting to scare me, called these occurrences 'night terrors'. Reassured I was not.
(badge 3.141592653589793238462643383279, Fri 24 Aug 2007, 18:15, Reply)

I have no idea
OK, my lovely lady lived in France for a year as part of her degree, and I went out there a few times.

One night while I was over there, she started muttering nonsense in her sleep. Real words, just making no sense.

I turned and looked at her and went "WHAT?"

She then said "oh, pardon" all french sounding, and then proceeded to reel off what I assume was the same gibberish, only in French.

She's dead proud of this.
( mutster101 fell over, Fri 24 Aug 2007, 17:53, Reply)

Erm
Well, there was this one time that I'll be brief about as it involves extreme embarassment (not unlike my spelling....)

It was at a friend's wedding and I got drunk. Shamelessly, tragically and wrong-ly drunk....

The short version is that I got drunk at the reception at 3pm and carried on drinking into the evening and night - and I mean about 4 drinks an hour. The last I remember was at about 9ish when I realised that my then partner had vanished.

Ah well, I'll keep drinking.

The next thing I remember was waking up in my hotel room.

What's the smell?

I'd been sick. In my sleep. All over the hotel bed, my new suit and the hotel floor - and I suspect over my partner. (Being sick in one's sleep - not big, not clever...)

Nice.

My partner had slept in the bathroom - which wasn't nice for her to say the least.....

Admittedly it's not in the same vane as all the rest of these stories, but I was asleep, there was an unfortunate accident (!) and it was unpleasant.

The full story is far, far worse than all that as I've been filled in by everyone else that was there as to how big an arse I'd been, but that's another QOTW...
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Fri 24 Aug 2007, 17:40, Reply)

Sleep-pissing
One night, not long after starting a new job, I went out on the beers with my workmates that offered 2 for 1 pints of Stella. Not being an Artois drinker, I ended up getting rather pissed. My girlfriend (at the time) and her mates also came along, and everyone was happy in the Stella related over indulgence.

I woke up the following in my girlfriends spare room. Bleary eyed, I didn't know what the fuck was going on or why I was there. I went upstairs to see the Mrs, only to find her awake and ignoring me. I asked her why I wasn't in her bed. She replied:

"You were, and then woke up at 2am. You then got out of bed, making a load of noise, to then turn around, and pee all over me. I hope you're planning on buying me some new pillows today. You bastard."

The relationship didn't last much longer. Oh well.
(jonthebeef, Fri 24 Aug 2007, 16:31, Reply)

Piss off a work colleague? I pissed ON one.
Works night out in Preston. Check.
Copious amounts of Guinness. Check.
Sleeping bag on the floor in an unfamiliar house. Check.
Waking up to a work colleague asking,'What the fcuk are you doing?' as I was cheerfully pissing over his legs. Check.

Problem was I still really needed a pee and didn't know where the toilet actually was. Ended up streaking through the house past 4 other pissed work colleagues with my cock and balls cupped in my hands until I could find the toilet (it was bloody well downstairs!)

Greeting your colleagues the next morning and saying,'Ever get that feeling you pissed on a work colleague?' was the only face-saving thing to say.

Bastards left a nappy on my desk with a yellow post-it note reading 'In case of emergencies.' and made sure that everyone else in the company knew what I'd done.

Still. I got less stick for that than my other work mate used to get for 'banging owd'. Even though he'd never slept with anyone older than himself.
( Airman Gabber Living life like a 70's BBC presenter, Fri 24 Aug 2007, 16:28, Reply)

Sleep-breaking and entering
Was sleeping round a mates flat one night in his living room, another mate of his (henceforth known as G) had crashed out on the sofa as well. I wake up in the morning, no sign of G.. Turns out in the night G got up, walked upstairs into the neighbours flat, and went to sleep in one of their beds! Thankfully the person whose bed he'd chosen was away at the time, but he had some serious explaining to do when he tried to leave..
( Finite "Aardvark sorted out my shit!" on, Fri 24 Aug 2007, 16:23, Reply)

My mother had a trick to keep me from wetting the bed
She would wake me in the middle of the night, stand me in front of the toilet and tell me to go. I would go, she's put me back in bed and that would be that. It worked brilliantly, and I never once wet the bed.

I did, however, wet a pew.

It was a full catholic wedding ceremony, little four-year-old me dressed in a darling little tuxedo, sleeping like a lamb through the second half of the mass. Then it came time for everybody to stand up, so my dear mother picked me up, stood me up, and in a pavlovian reaction I fulfilled my part of our nightly ritual.

If you've ever seen a woman run out of a cathedral while holding a sleeping toddler in a tuxedo with his penis in his hands, it was me. If you've ever gotten a face full of pee from a toddler in a tuxedo being held by his mother as she runs past your pew, hello Aunt Linda!
(RandomFerret, Fri 24 Aug 2007, 16:19, Reply)

sleepwalking and peeing infront of a room of girls
went to a girls only sleepover at a mates house and 1st rule is always- sleep with one eye open!

mate fell asleep -

we put a fork in her ear (blunt side)
made her new eyebrows with toothpaste
hid all her stuff
plus lots of other things too..but then...

we fall asleep, only to wake up at 3am to the sound of water running!

i look in the corner of the room and there is mates boyfriend home from his lads night out, absolutly w**kered, peeing up the wall in the corner of the sitting room where we were all sleeping!

we all shout "erghh gross, what the hell are you doing?"

boyfriend says 'peeing!' and goes up stairs.

poor bloke was so embarrased he legged it straight out of the house the next morning before we could say anything!

soooo gross!
(chixor, Fri 24 Aug 2007, 16:12, Reply)

My hamster habits..
my whole family has weird sleeping patterns. My dad snores so loudly (this is not a joke) that on three occassions the neighbours have had to knock on the door and ask him to shut up. My mum, as well, puts a chokehold on the duvet, and once she is holding and pulling it her way, my dad can't wrench it from her grasp, meaning he has to spend the entire night freezing cold. My brother sleep walks a lot, including one time when we thought he had been abducted in the night becuase his bed was empty in the morning. It turned out he been walking up the A27 (a good 30 miles away) all night, and had been picked up by police in his boxers. My mum was not happy. Me - i do a hamster impression, i curl up in a ball and squeak, sometimes i talk too, apparently stuff like "NOOO, NOT THE CHOCOLATE!" and "SQUIRELLLSSSS POONNNN!!!"
(ladyflash Formally known as "oshi_", Fri 24 Aug 2007, 16:12, Reply)

I’m not dead!!
I was left paralysed in my face several for a few months and as a result couldn’t close my eyes when sleeping but eventually everything sorted it’s self out or so I thought.

Few years later I got home after a big night out; crashed into bed next to my girlfriend and fell into a drunken sleep. I hadn’t told her about this and when she saw me lying there with my eyes open she assumed that I’d taken the night one excess too far. Didn’t help that I was so drunk it made it really hard to wake me; still we eventually managed to laugh about it.

I also talk in my sleep. One night I spent describing a very vivid dream whilst I was actually dreaming it. In the dream I’d gone clubbing with Lenin in Moscow but he was pissing me off so ended up I trying to buy drugs off Stalin in the club toilets. However thing when a bit wrong and I ended up being chased by Czechoslovakian Terminators led by my dead great-grandmother.

In my defence I collect old Soviet posters and movie posters (the original Czech Terminator has a very distinct style). My girlfriend told me about it the next morning and I actually was able to remember it like it happened. So much so I thought about making it into a comic strip (maybe if enough people click I like this I will).
(Rev O'Lucian will unfortunatly age on, Fri 24 Aug 2007, 16:11, Reply)

It's alright I've got the bucket!
Mrs Vambo went through a phase of walking downstairs naked in the middle of the night - all very well but we happen to live on the top floor of a small block of flats! It got to be a fairly regular routine: I'd hear the click of the door lock and then footsteps echoing from the stairs. I'd then call her back and the next day I'd be berated for making her forget what she was going downstairs for!

Another time I was woken up by the Mrs faffing around and woke to see her carefully positioning herself over her opened handbag. "Aargh!!" "What the fuck are you doing??!!!" I shouted. "It's allright, I've got the bucket!" came the reply!

Yep! Mrs V thought we were camping!! Ahh bless!
( Vambo, Fri 24 Aug 2007, 16:00, Reply)

Its a Gooooooooal!
i remember a few years ago now, we all used to go to a mates flat and take lots and lots of E.

one mate michael was sleeping on the floor, and me and two mates were drifting in and out of sleep on the sofa, when michael sit bolt up rights and shots at the top of his lungs "AND ITS TEDDY SHERRINGHAM WITH THE BALL, HE SHOOT, HE SCORES, GOOOOOOOOOOOAL!" we all sat there in hystircs as he then layed back down and carried on sleeping.

a few hours later me and two mates are sat up smoking the bong when we look at mike on the floor and ask him if he wants a hit... to which he replies, give me a few minutes im just helping my mate unload his lorry.. lol were on a the third floor in the same place we have been for the past 10 hours..

we dont see him much anymore. wondered what happned to him lol.

*insert length joke here*
(SuckYourMum, Fri 24 Aug 2007, 15:31, Reply)

Sleepwalking Charlie Chaplin style
My wife used to sleepwalk when she was a nipper but used to do so at terrifying speed, which my father in-law tells me was like watching a sped up silent film. She was also incredibly agile and not only was trying to stop her belting around the house akin to catching a greasy pig but when she eventually made her way back toward hers bunkbed she scaled it with such speed and ease that she appeared superhuman.

Also, when she was about 4, she used to leave small piles of toys in various places around the house and when her parents tried to tidy them up she would say 'NO! The story is not yet complete!'

Frankly this kind of behaviour unnerved the entire family but I married her for this kind of thing. I'm hoping our daughter will go the same way.
(mudflaps, Fri 24 Aug 2007, 15:13, Reply)

Sleep Txting
When I was a single person, I would cling to my mobile phone for deer life. Sending texts at all hours and calling men for casual phone sex and minbending philosopical discussions (Are there forces in the universe greater than the uplift bra?).

Anyway, there was one time that I woke up having just sent a text saying simply "biv yoi bonger". And I wonder why the swoonsome Noel the fireman didn't want to kiss me.
(lympicita_ie, Fri 24 Aug 2007, 15:05, Reply)

First meeting with the in laws...
Not my dodgy behaviour though - her old man's.

I went across to my new gf's (now wife's) house one weekend to 'meet the folks'.

Anyway, after a not insignificant quantity of alcohol (they drink like it's going out of fashion - her dad was drinking cans of export AND whisky - no, not in the same glass) it was time to hit the hay.

Being quite a traditional family, I was punted up into the loft (no nonsense under my roof etc), which was decked out as an extra bedroom. A ramsay ladder provided access, so this was left in the 'down' position overnight.

Imagine my surprise when I awake during the night to see my father-in-law-to-be at the top of the ladder, naked as a naked thing looking at me curiously. This was not the kind of introduction to the family that I was looking for.

Of course he was just pissed as a fart, and had gone on a wander on his way back from the lavvie.

Oh how we laughed. Or not, in fact.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 24 Aug 2007, 14:57, Reply)

To Prof Half Price and your cat fighting antics.....


My story was me being fast asleep and, even though my eyes were closed, getting the sense of something looming over me. I opened my eyes to see a large black shape with 'horns' inches from my face. I screamed in fright and lashed out, punching the cat (for it was she) in the side of the head. She half dodged the blow so no harm was done but, in retaliation, raked my arm with her claws drawing blood.

She's also paid nocturnal visits to several of my neighbours. She scared the shit out of the girl two doors away when she was awoken by rustling and saw a black shadow moving about behind the curtain. My nextdoor neighbour woke up one night to find my cat sitting on the end of his bed staring intently at him. He said he thought "Funny, I don't own a cat." before going back to sleep. The only one I witnessed was rising early one morning. I went into the spare room and, looking at the houses behind me, saw a familiar rear end disappearing through a skylight. I heard a muffled shriek and my cat rocketed out the window and across the rooftops. A rather shaken looking woman appeared at the window and shut it firmly.
(Fanta Menace Is tall enough to see over the fence, Fri 24 Aug 2007, 14:51, Reply)

Baby love
My 7 year old nephew used to whimper in his sleep like dogs do when their dreaming. He has been known to shout out CANDICE in his sleep - this is the 7 year old girl who lives across the road. I dread to think what he dreams about.
( girlinthehole, Fri 24 Aug 2007, 14:33, Reply)

Whilst in 6th form
my mate goes sleepwalking out of his bedroom window. Fortunately his room was above the garage so he only falls a couple of feet. Still asleep he caries on walking - straight off the edge of the garage roof, landing badly and breaking one arm and the opposite side leg. Oddly, this woke him up. In a shitload of pain and unable to get his parents' attention he drags himself to his front door and rings the bell.

This was Christmas eve, his parents thought he was pissed up and couldn't find his key so left him there for a good few hours. Happy fucking Christmas!
( CowJam, Fri 24 Aug 2007, 14:30, Reply)

First of a few stories
One morning I'm woken by my step-mother saying "Sam, why are you in the spare room?"
I look around and lo and behold I am in the spare room despite going to bed half a house away. "I dunno" I reply.
"Why are you in bed with a book stand?" she asks. Turns out I'd neatly emptied the books off this wooden frame and taken it to bed with me. "I dunno" I reply.
"Do you know that your dressing gown is in the bathroom?" I didn't. I check under the covers and say "er... could you fetch it for me please?"
( CowJam, Fri 24 Aug 2007, 14:27, Reply)

The Rats
I've just remembered about my father's midnight oratories.

He did his national service in the Air Force. He wanted to join the Navy, but got the RAF instead. The forces being what they were, he ended up a radio operator on an air-sea rescue launch at Holyhead.

One of the less appetizing jobs they did was pull corpses out of the sea. My Dad had the misfortune to grab one by the hand, only to have the whole arm come off. This started the nightmares about the rats, with him waking up screaming. Fortunately, they subsided after a few years, but that didn't stop him shouting other stuff.

One notable night, I was awoken by a scream "Get in here, there's burglars!" I leapt out of bed -pausing only to pull my t-shirt down to cover the old wedding tackle - grabbed a cricket bat and legged it across the landing to my parent's bedroom, kicked the door open and leapt through, fully prepared to deal death to the interloper.

Only there wasn't an interloper. There was just my mother, looking puzzled, the dog, looking even more puzzled, and my father, fast asleep.

And my t-shirt had slipped.

(edited down from This)
( Stevedix http://www.stevedix.de/blog, Fri 24 Aug 2007, 14:24, Reply)

A friend of mine.
I don't sleepwalk myself, but my mate Jobesy does. He's done some oddd things but nothing has yet to beat the first time it happened.

A few of us had been out for an average night of alcohol and illegal substances in tablet form then went back to crash at my mate Lanky's house.

In the middle of the night, Jobesy, bless 'im, got up and walked over to Lanky, who was still awake. He then proceeded to whip his knob out and start wanking in his face, then bent down to try and kiss him.

After being pushed away he then went next door into the little sister's room (who was about 13/14 at the time, i think). He looked through her drawers until he found her knickers draw, pissed in said draw, then grabbed a handful of said pissy knickers and put them down his own pants for safe keeping.

Then he went back to bed.

At this point it should be mentioned that, due to overcrowding, he was sharing a single bed with me.

Thankfully i only woke up with his arms around me, i dread to think what else could have happened.

He had no recollection of any of this, by the way. Crazy cunt, that he is.
(MrTrent cannot think of a clever sig., Fri 24 Aug 2007, 14:24, Reply)

Writing your name in the snow
The number of stories about peeing in wardrobes being related here is startling. It’s a bloody epidemic. Indeed it seems to be so common an occurrence that I’m amazed Mr Tumnus was not described on his first appearance as ‘dripping wet and reeking of piss’.

If anyone from Ikea reads the messageboards then I imagine in a few months time their range of bedroom furniture will include the ‘Piskabinet’, a wardrobe with a pressure sensor on the floor that, on sensing the presence of an unconscious inebriated loon stepping onto it, opens a compartment containing a galvanised bucket with an inch of bleach in the bottom.

It’s bad enough when you pee in your own wardrobe but a lot of the stories seem to be about peeing in the wardrobes of others. Actually, given a choice this seems to be a sensible option but it does mean that there may also be a market for the Piskabinetdelux which, on sensing moisture on the floor of the wardrobe, opens the trapdoor to the crocodile pit. The only problem with this approach is the health and safety loops through which you have to jump to get planning permission for a crocodile pit these days.

A friend of mine has actually peed in a wardrobe. In his defence he was drunk and asleep at the time (can you be drunk and asleep?). He was in his very-soon-to-be-ex girlfriend’s bedroom. Actually I think the episode may have started the countdown clock on her ex status. Maybe he was trying to engineer a break-up and this was a cry for help - although I would have thought that the actual cry for help was made when he came to standing upright in a wooden box in the pitch darkness up to his ankles in urine.

God knows it could be worse, you could wake up in a wardrobe your unconscious mind thought was a cubical, in a crouching position, reaching for the loo roll and wondering where the hell that vile smell is coming from.
(Macnabbs may contain traces of exaggeration on, Fri 24 Aug 2007, 14:17, Reply)

Hair product does funny things to me.
I was a brides maid at my best friends wedding, which neccesitated the use of gallons of hair product.
That night i went to sleep with the hair still held firmly in place, it had been a gruelling day and i couldnt be arsed washing it out right now.
I remember dreaming about my best friends creepy disgusting white trash uncles and warty aunties. and not a nice dream.
My (now ex)boyfriend had this to report in the morning. Apparently he tried a cuddle and i pushed him away and punched him repeatedly. He asked why i did this and i said "how do i know that your not a stranger?"
"but its me!" he argued.
"Exactly! how do i know your not a stranger!" was my retort.

Aside from this one time, which i firmly blame on hair product, ive never done anything interesting in my sleep.
(spent.fish flipping and gasping, Fri 24 Aug 2007, 14:13, Reply)

Mother in Law
Went up in a helicopter for her 80th birthday escorted by her daughters.

"It must have been too much for her" said Mrs YC.

"When she landed we went for a drink and she fell asleep with her eyes open in the pub"

"How did you know she was asleep" I asked.

"Her top set fell out and she didn't notice, we had to pick them up and put them back in for her"
(Yellow Car is now red, Fri 24 Aug 2007, 14:05, Reply)

The drugs don't work



About 25 years ago now (Christ I feel old typing that) I had to go to hospital due to a chronic ear infection. The bed next to mine was occupied by an elderly farmer who both sleepwalked and had complete conversations in his sleep.

The first time I found this out was when the bloke opposite woke us all by shouting for the nurse. When she arrived and turned on the lights, there was the farmer sharing the bed with matey and sound asleep blissfully unaware he'd got the wrong bed. The next night, I was constantly being woken up by him giving his son detailed instructions on various farming tasks like "And be careful of the slope when turning the tractor in the top field".

After his operation, he was raving and shouting at some bloke who he seemed to dislike intensely. When his family came in, the nurses told them about the carrying on to which they replied "Oh, sure that was probably John-O that he was arguing with. He has the farm next to ours and there's been a spot of bother over a boundary ditch".

By contrast, the nurses were very disappointed with me as I was one of the rare ones in not divulging any secrets while under the anaesthetic. "We thought a young fellah like you would tell us all sorts of goings on but you didn't say a thing."
(Fanta Menace Is tall enough to see over the fence, Fri 24 Aug 2007, 13:57, Reply)

How about sleep shagging, then?
One morning I woke up with a bad case of morning wood and tried to rub up against my wife to get her going, only to be told that we'd done that about three hours before when I woke her in the middle of the night by climbing on top of her and giving her the ride of her life.

I had no memory of this at all, but from what she told me it sounded like I should be quite proud of that performance.

(Actually, considering how we ended up, maybe it's just as well that I don't.)
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 24 Aug 2007, 13:54, Reply)

Hammer time
I'd worked a 24 hour emergency shift recently following a serious problem at work. Mrs Chart Cat was visiting friends in Jersey at the same time and when she returned she wanted to tell me all about her trip, but all I wanted to do was get some sleep.

We went to bed early, but she just wouldn't let me sleep. I eventually beat her away with my pillow and settled down to a night full of extraordinarily strange dreams, culminating in one where I had to dismantle a huge alarm clock with my toolkit because it wouldn't stop beeping.

In the morning, my concerned-looking wife told me that during the night, a burglar alarm outside our flat had been going off for about 20 minutes. I'd been drifting in and out of conciousness incoherently complaining about alarm clocks and smashing things up. I'd apparently got out of bed, walked naked into the kitchen to fetch my tools (well, a hammer) and walked all the way out of the flat to the lift, when thankfully the alarm stopped ringing and I meandered my way back to the bedroom.

I presume this is true as the hammer was by the front door and the neighbours laugh at me quite a lot now.

My "hammer" must be about 10 inches long. Ask my wife if you don't believe me.
( chart cat has an itch, Fri 24 Aug 2007, 13:53, Reply)

i have a nice one
***ooops***, sorry, misreading !
i read "sleepwanking".

i don't sleepwalk.
( i don't understand everything saute en l'air pour te réchauffer, Fri 24 Aug 2007, 13:53, Reply)

My mate
I'll call him 'matt' for that is his name.

Matt went out on the lash one night, he apparently had a habit of sleepwalking. After returning in the small hours of the morning he retired to bed. At some point in the night his bladder got full and in his sleep he got up to go for a slash. The only problem was he missed the door to the bathroom and ended up urinating on his dad. His mum woke up and asked him what he was doing. His reply?

"Washing my hands, What does it fucking look like?"
( Slippery Mick ‏, Fri 24 Aug 2007, 13:50, Reply)