A friend
My friend Steve (aka the vegan who hates vegetables), who hails from one of Manchester's tinier suburbs, has had many memorable sleepwalking incidents. Unlike some of you lot, he actually manages the feat without the aid of alcohol (oh, he drinks; it's just usually not what's responsible for the nocturnal wanderings). Yes, he's had a piss in bed (on his wife's leg). He's also fallen down the stairs at 4 a.m. He's also gone into the kitchen and started up a pot of spaghetti which nearly burned the house down.

But the highlight performance was the time his wife awoke to the sound of muffled banging from the bedroom closet. She wandered over, and was greeted by the sight of all her clothes on the floor, Steve stark naked, holding a hammer in his hand, and a couple of nails in his mouth. Three old shelves were torn down, and he was nailing up a new one. ``Steve, what the hell are you doing?,'' she inquired quite reasonably. ``What the fuck does it look like? I'm making you a new cupboard just like you asked*, you cunt!,'' he replied.Strangely, it was a few weeks later that she filed for divorce.

*she hadn't.
(tuqueboy has been in a medically -induced coma since, Mon 27 Aug 2007, 1:55, Reply)

I always wish I hadn't...
..gone sleepwalking, but it's usually one of those things you don't have much control over.

I used to do it a lot when I was younger. Found myself asleep at the foot of my sisters bed once (when her bedroom was downstairs!).

My dearest hag of a mother also threw a slipper at my head once when she mistook my nocturnal jaywalking, general glazed-over expression and lack of vocabulary as me ignoring her. I wasn't to know I was stood right in front of the TV starkers while her and a friend were watching a film!

I've also woken up in a cemetary, but I wasn't sleep-walking. I just had a hankerin' for a bit of necrophilia.

Apologies for the length. It fell off.
( Rolypoly Has decided, by decree, that todays date will be, Mon 27 Aug 2007, 1:13, Reply)

I once had
A girlfriend who worked so hard at her job answering phones, that she would occasionally (just sporadic enough to keep me on my vertical toes) answer imaginary phone-calls. Unfortunately the phone was on my side of the bed and the vigour of which she answered knocked me out and onto the floor.

For myself, a few weeks ago I sent a sleep-text declaring to the recipient that she 'was the only person I knew with their own theme tune'.
(MrTeapot hasn't played with himself since, Mon 27 Aug 2007, 0:30, Reply)

It could have been *very* good... :)
I don't know if this was sleepwalking, drunkenness, or what, but:
Back in college, a friend of mine had her boyfriend visit for the weekend from another school.
They awoke in the middle of the night to see a girl standing by their bed shouting "This is not good! This is not good!" while putting her pants back on. She then unlocked the door (!?) and ran out into the hall. They never saw her before or since.
Made for quite a nice story the next morning in the dining hall.
(chase, Sun 26 Aug 2007, 22:25, Reply)

Stop Pissing By Me!!!
When i was 11 i went to spain on a familly holiday. me and my brother shared a room with 2 single beds and my mum and dad share a bed in another room.
Earlier in the day we had been somewhere and i remember seeing a wall full of superstitions. the one that stood out to me was an old austrian, i think it was, superstiton that "if a young maiden urinates in a gentlemans shoe at night then the next day the man would fall deeply inlove with her".
well something must have been playing on my mind because the next morning i awoke to my mother laughing her ass off while telling me the events of the night. supposedly i had got up in the night and pissed by my dad. the sound of trickling awoke him to which he shouted
"stop pissing by me!"
my mum shocked by being suddenly awoken asked " what the bloody hell?"
"she's pissing by me!"
"shut up. it just goes to prove she does love you deep down inside..."
(Witch, Sun 26 Aug 2007, 22:04, Reply)

I don't sleep walk because i'm too lazy
I used to sleep talk, when my mam tried to wake me once i once yeld "feck off!!" (father jack style) :P

Also, had a friend who once sleep peed on his vcr and in the garden pond.
(Squid83, Sun 26 Aug 2007, 21:45, Reply)

Sleepwa*king
Kind of off topic, mildly embarressing, but here goes...

As a young man, experiencing strange urges and sprouting hairs, I used to suffer from those pleasureable nocturnal emissions that visit teenage boys during sleep. Whilst not unpleasant, they did make the bedsheets go somewhat crunchy so, as a concerted effort to save the sheets, I would place my thumb over the end to prevent the fluid of shame going everywhere as I awoke, then get up and run to the toilet to release it safely.

Fast forward several years to university. I had managed to pull a delightful young lady who, upon awaking, thought it a wizard wheeze to wake me up by (rather expertly) fellating me. Unfortunately, as I came, I was transported to my earlier days. Cue much hilarity as I punched her spark out as I quickly moved my hand down to stop anything coming out of the end and going on the sheets.

Thankyouverymuch
(animal252 last activated his kitten hammer on, Sun 26 Aug 2007, 21:24, Reply)

I'm a terrible sleeper
I feel sorry for my bf. One time i 'saw' something at the end of the bed and screamed at my bf not to look. I've 'seen' a witch in front of my face and woke him screaming. A burning crucifix on the wall. My most popular one is spiders on the pillow, or lobsters :os This happens most nights, when i'm sober...Thats why i drink so much!
Oo, i was also telling my bf about some monkeys, who dressed like smurfs...these monkeys were different colours cos they all ate raunbow drops for breakfast.
My poor head.
(catzeyes Princess Trampagne, Sun 26 Aug 2007, 21:13, Reply)

Ooooh Timing.
Two nights ago I texted a girl telling her I loved her, at 3.27am.

I guess 'moderately fancy' isn't in my unconcious vocabulary.

Still not heard back.
(Good Looking Deity Grew a magnificent beard on, Sun 26 Aug 2007, 21:04, Reply)

The Pantsy Pull Down...
One night, my little sister was fast asleep, when i came to her door, woke her up, and said,
"All the Boys do the Pantsy Pull Down"
fucking crazy, i know. my one excuse is that i was asleep the whole time, and when she asked me what the hell i was talking about, i responded with utter confusion. I think she might be the crazy one...

oh, and one other thing: violent night terrors suck. have you ever been awaken by getting punched by someone sleeping next to you? while not pleasent, its a great excuse hit back, and hard...
but get this, then i get yelled at for hitting him!
me:"you were Punching me!!!"
him:"i was asleep!!!"
me:"...and Punching me!"
him:"why didnt you just wake me up?!?!"
me:"is this you talking in your sleep?"
him:"fuck! good night!"
i think he maybe missed the point.
(alexish, Sun 26 Aug 2007, 20:51, Reply)

Like closing your eyes and seeing tetris blocks falling.. but with toilets.
My parents had sold up and shipped out to France, renting a shabby mouse-infested farm shed during one of the hottest summers ever.
My room was in the converted attic, which due to the stinginess of the owner had nothing insulation-wise between the rooftiles and ceiling. Result - 8am like it or not, it was get up or be roasted alive by the heat permeating down from above. We clocked it at 47C with a thermometer in there.

The heat was stifling. Swathes of old biddies across the country were dropping dead of heatstroke. I, a miserable vampiric creature of the cold sat in the coldest part of the stone barn all day and sweated. And drank gallons of water. And sweated.

Night-time, once the oven-room had cooled slightly I'd attempt to sleep. Or not, as the bastard night was almost as hot as the day and the roof still acted as a storage heater. It was humid sticky and hot. Literally like a sauna. Which meant after struggling to sleep I'd wake up shortly after with a raging thirst and/or bursting bladder.

So sweat, drink, sweat, snooze, wake, go pee 5/6 times a night, repeat.

Umm.. several times I got up as usual, stumbled bathroomwards, found toilet, performed biological function, then became aware of sheets, spreading damp patch and still being of a horizontal persuasion.

Happy thoughts.. happy thoughts.. its only residual background sweating.. umm.. at least its very very dilute..

I took to sleeping downstairs on a sofa, constantly pushing cats off my head.
It was
(a) marginally cooler and
(b) not perched atop a gothic iron lightning conductor, on a hilltop, during the most mashoosively violent strobe-lightning thunderstorms with a thin layer of crappy rustic tiles and matchwood between me and frazzled crispyness. Which was having pretty much the same effect on my bladder control anyway.

EDIT: *cough* I'm sooo glad every other post on here seems to be dream-pissing or some variant thereof. Eet must be zum deeeply unconcious innate responze of ze human psyche, yah?
Add the threat of electocution zapping and Pavlov would be proud..
(Hikikomori** watching cartoons on, Sun 26 Aug 2007, 20:20, Reply)

my brother
my brother walked into my room in the middle of the night completly naked. announced that he was 'fucking knackered' and then left

i only hope that he was asleep
(norcomark CNUT abbreviation for CANUTE, Sun 26 Aug 2007, 20:19, Reply)

Sleep Jumping (Ouch)
This is the only occasion on which I have sleep-walked..And I'd prefer it if it stayed like that.

As we all know, when one needs to use the lav in the night, we wake up, go, and fall back asleep..apart from when your body is too tired to wake up. This happened to me and my brain decided to take action.

I went into a dream in which I'd just woken up in a field (I'd just returned from a camping trip with my mates in reality). It was early morning and I was surrounded by all my mates, asleep in their sleeping bags. In the dream, as in real life, I needed to piss. So, in order not to wake my friends up, I quietly removed my sleeping bag (in real life, bed sheets), stood up and wondered why the ground felt so uneven and wobbly (stood on my bed)and leapt over my friend so as to avoid waking her, fell, and whacked my head off the side of the bbq (jumped off said bed, walloping head off the bracket for the t.v on the wall)

I eventually woke up, lying on my bedroom floor, extremely disorintated and wondering why I was in my bedroom and not the campsite we'd been on. After all that, I finally got to use the toilet, and see the blood streaming down my face from my newly acquired cut. Fun. (I still have the scar)
(Markey Will approach from behind without warning, Sun 26 Aug 2007, 20:15, Reply)

shit
HAHHHHAHAHAHAHAHHA
(felch, Sun 26 Aug 2007, 19:34, Reply)

You are logged in as SkUG (Logout)
Don't use the QOTW for private chat. That's what the 'message me' button is for. BTW: "Reply to this thread" option coming soon.
( SkUG >_O i got a couple of stitches in my eyeball... ow, Sun 26 Aug 2007, 19:27, Reply)

Only once, that I know of.
I got out of bed, walked into my flatmate's room and asked him for "the toilet stuff".

He was puzzled and asked what I meant.

"You know, your toilet stuff."

At this point I woke up and realised that I did not actually need his help to use the toilet.

However, my sleepy pride meant that the only response he got was "Never mind, I'll get it myself."

He claims to have seen shades of his senile grandmother in me.
(Generator cannot be named for legal reasons, Sun 26 Aug 2007, 19:11, Reply)

My wife
Once thought I was dead for a whole year.

Turns out it was all a dream

Signed
Bobby.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Sun 26 Aug 2007, 18:34, Reply)

I don't sleepwalk
Because I don't walk.

Signed,
Stephen Hawking
(ratthingbazzterd, Sun 26 Aug 2007, 18:04, Reply)

I don't sleepwalk
Because I don't sleep.

Signed,
Chuck Norris
(ratthingbazzterd, Sun 26 Aug 2007, 17:56, Reply)

I was asleep at my mother's house
I sort of remember it happening, as she never mentioned it again. She walked in at about 10am and tried to wake me up.

I shouted "For fuck's sake will you stop being so sexually frustrated!" and fell back to sleep.

Great.
( Flowers the little boy that santa claus forgot, Sun 26 Aug 2007, 16:01, Reply)

ah this is embarassing.
walked into my parents bedroom stark bollocked naked, whipped out the old boy and happily began relieving myself in the corner, facing inward. when my mother asked me "what the fuck do you think you're doing?" i said "But, it's a tool"

took my parents a couple of minutes to recover before sorting me out... only got told about it in the morning.

length wasn't too great, cold night.
(Justforyou love., Sun 26 Aug 2007, 15:36, Reply)

Alleged sleep eating
Rachelswipe's post on 9 reminded my own *alleged* sleep walking/eating incident.

I apparently had my own sleep eating incident at around age six. We were at the cottage, and had lots of junk food, as you tend to do while on vacation. We didn't really eat any crap at home, but someone had brought a bag of Oreo cookies and left them on the counter. In the morning, the bag was empty. I was accused of being the eater, but I have absolutely no recollection of it, and I'm fairly sure that eating an entire bag of Oreo cookies at the age of six would have caused me to be ill, especially as I never ate that sort of thing. I think it was either
a) the dog (plausible, the thing was about 140 lbs), or
b) my much older sisters' stoner friends (even more plausible).

Why am I still bitter about this 20 years later, you may well ask? Well, because my family reminds me about it at every opportunity. No family gathering is complete without chortling about how I ate an entire bag of Oreos *shudder* at the cottage. It just won't die, and I'm sure it wasn't even me, but my protestations of innocence tend to bring only fresh peals of laughter.
(BlackArmadillo Avoided writing that article on, Sun 26 Aug 2007, 14:18, Reply)

Sleepwalking... with a twist
But I've had some very realistic lucid dreams. The oddest one was when I thought I was walking round my house. Everything in its right place, dogs snoozing away on my couch, curtains closed, that kind of thing. Then, I turned around and noticed myself asleep on the bed. Oddest thing in the world that. Mind you, I do look peaceful when I'm asleep.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Sun 26 Aug 2007, 13:29, Reply)

A bad mo-fo...even during sleepy tiem
When I was a tiddly-small person, I used to go into my sister's room and terrify her in the night with zombie-esque sleep-walking antics. Evil.
( its_hatorah_bitch is b3ta the devil you know on, Sun 26 Aug 2007, 13:09, Reply)

A mate of mine (true story)
was staying over one night when we were 15 or so. I was awoken by a an awesome feeling coming from my nether regions. He had my cock treating it like an ice-cream. Gave him a bit of a slap so he would go away and proceeded to go back to sleep.

Found out the next day he was dreaming that he robbed the ice-cream man. I never did tell him what happened.
(paulyt69 got his first real 6 string, Sun 26 Aug 2007, 12:58, Reply)

sleepgropage
Not me, but my ex used to yell things in his sleep... i'd say "what?" and he'd mumble incoherant gibberish. Sometimes i'd slap him just to shut him up.

He also used to try and have sex with me when he was sleeping, and then he'd stop three quarters of the way through. Here i was thinking i was getting some late night half asleep sex, and all i'd get was worked up and then nothing.

Typical of all guys really. He just used the excuse that he was "asleep".

That's ok though. It was just like me telling him I had gone when i wasn't even close. There's a reason i didn't throw out my vibrator when i met him. You know you're a good fuck if your girlfriend throws out her old sex toys. If not, you're crap.
(brotagaia, Sun 26 Aug 2007, 12:40, Reply)

Teehee!
How come chicks never seem to piss in random places while sleeping? Weird.

My mate once apparently took a girl home and after he was er, done with her, took a piss in his sleep up against his door without realising. He found out in the morning when the poor girl went to pick up her handbag, which she had placed by said door. Ouch.
(kadee may or may not be a nymphomaniac, Sun 26 Aug 2007, 12:27, Reply)

All I know is that I can't keep a steady relationship and none of them are prepared to tell me why.
The most I've ever got out of anyone is that I talk in my sleep, and that she didn't want to repeat it.

This was three years later that I found it out from this lady. She wasn't exactly the straight-laced type, either.

Nothing ever happens when I have a tape recorder going (Whenever I try to find out what's going on), so now I keep one under the bed as an insurance policy. All I have to do now is explain why I'm setting up a tape recorder under the bed.

Tyler Durden eat your heart out.
( gronkpan @vomitinglarry.bsky.social, Sun 26 Aug 2007, 12:05, Reply)

Disturbing memory
Ooh, one of the posts has just awoken a previously buried memory. The now ex-mr-whodathunkit had had a spectacularly heavy night on things that made him gurn like a good-un. We were house sitting my old family house, sleeping in my old bedroom.
I awoke to the sounds of scrabling, only to discover him pissing against my radiator.
Frogmarched him to the bathroom, and all was well.
Couple of hours later, was treated to similar scrabblings, so yelled at him to wake up & get to the bog.
Next thing I know, I'm hearing the conservatory door swoosh open, so I fly downstairs, only to find the little bugger in the back garden (6am by now), pissing in the hedge in broad daylight. Stark bollock naked, looking like his face had been rearranged. Needless to say, I sincerely hoped that the neighbours weren't having an early morning.
Got my revenge when he finally came to. Frogmarched him to the still soaking radiator & wiped his nose in his piss. Worked a treat. Never did it again. See? Just treat men like dogs & they will behave.
( Whodathunkit, Sun 26 Aug 2007, 11:38, Reply)