Not Exactly Sleepwalking
But...

I used to read lots and lots about metaphysical bollocks and would frequently test out the various ideas. One thing I read in some book about a Mexican indian sage (something to do with peyote) was that you could close your eyes and run very fast through the countryside and your inner self would automatically guide you away from harm.

Any idea how much it hurts when you run full tilt into a fucking oak tree with your eyes shut? - I do.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 14:46, Reply)

I could do that in my sleep!
I've been sleepwalking since I was a wee nipper. One time my dad found me standing at the top of the stairs with a duvet wrapped round my ankles. I've also tried to climb out of windows and into cupboards etc, the usual lark.
When i left for uni I hoped it would stop. I had images of me being thrown out of halls after exposing myself to other freshers, resident wardens etc. However, it continued.
The guy living next to me, who later became my housemate, told me of one of my escapades where I knocked on his door at 4am, and just stood staring at him for ages, until he led me back to bed. Oh, and I was wearing some rather fetching pyjamas and had a raging hard on.
Then when i moved into my house I managed to walk down an extremely narrow and hazardous staircase and go out into the back garden. Where I stood for about 15 minutes. Most people have difficulty descending the stairs during daylight hours, they flummoxed me a couple of times when I was drunk, but I managed to do it in my sleep. My housemates assured me that i didn't fall down them.
Red lights also have a habit of making me sleepwalk. Every time there is a red LED on in the room, i will try and escape. My room had an electricity meter in it, which had a red light. Almost every night I would wake up trying to escape. Nothing I did to cover up the light stopped me from sleepwalking.
I've also recently found out that it's directly linked to epilepsy and other brain disorders, hence why somnambulists have fits if they are woken. Delightful.
Sorry for lack of humour, but I'd like to sleep in one place just for once!
(pacman_40 Pocket Kleenex: for the wanker on the go, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 14:34, Reply)

Two colleagues once shared a bedsit during the week.
Colleague 1 told me how he slept in the raw, and woke up one night to find colleague 2 fellating him vigorously.
He hit colleague 2 over the head with a rolled up magazine to disengage his suction, although it took 2 or 3 goes to succeed.
(LunarJim, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 14:31, Reply)

spending a penny
Plenty of wardrobe toilet antics as expected, all good stuff, my dad did the same after a whisky drinking challange

But i do have to wonder if i might be the only man in the whole world to have "sleep-pissed" into my own wallet....

i remember waking in the middle of the night pissing into the toilet and going to bed. But it would seem (and this is guess work as i can't remember) that what actually happend was i got up took my wallet out of my jeans laying on the floor, unzipped the coin pouch part of it and then relieved myself into it, obviously this filled rather quickly so then i zipped it up again while pissing all over my bed side cabinet then moving to the bathroom (possibly having stopped the flow as there was no wet trail to the bathroom) before continuing into the bowl waking up properly as i did so and then heading back to bed non the wiser

i woke in the morning and noticed my wallet was laying in a puddle on my bed side cabinet, on closer inspection i was amazed to see that the cheap and nasty wallet was infact quite water proof, I opened the buldging zip to find a few (now very clean) pennies floating around in my now cold and already starting to smell urine.

the puddle on the cabinet had seeped onto my cards so when i got stopped by a nasty twunt copper a few days later I was evil grinning on the inside when i handed him my slightly stained smelly drivers licence. same goes for the moaning, fat grumpy cow on the counter at my bank..

length, bout the same as a £20 note

btw, NOBODY knows about this, its the first time i've told anyone... feel honoured !! oh and click i like this :o)
(maxumus HEY!.... diddly dee, de de de de de de, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 14:25, Reply)

Autopilot
Once when i was at my other halfs parents house i fell asleep in a chair in the living room. A little while later i apparently walked out to the hallway and put my shoes on (no lace tying , mind) and walked out leaving the door open. All I remember of this is feeling cold and tired walking down the street to my nans house and stopping and wondering why i was going there. I was confused as hell for a minuite then turned round and walked back to the house to my GF waiting at the door asking where i was going. Fucked if i knew.
( Damion International - now taking orders., Thu 23 Aug 2007, 14:23, Reply)

A sleepwalking
laundry basket once did a poo on me.

I didn't mind though, I love scat.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 14:21, Reply)

Bindun
Rats! I had quite a few sleep-walking stories but the mainly involved me, or people I knew, pissing in strange places and that seems to have been done to death.

So I'll tell you about the hotel incident.

I used to spend Monday to Friday in a wee hotel in Finsbury Park. When I say "wee" I mean the sort of hotel where there's no staff from about 8pm until 7am the next morning - the guests all have their own keys.

So this one night I wake up suddenly to find myself cold and naked in this hotel. But what’s worse is that I'm cold and naked in the corridor and my bedroom door is firmly locked. Arse biscuits! So I trundle off down the corridor and, picking up a large cushion to hide my modesty, make my way down to reception to see if I can find a master key. No such luck.

Eventually I give up and try to find somewhere to sleep and something to cover myself with - it was the middle of winter. After much searching I find the laundry cupboard - right behind the receptionists desk. It's a fair size - big enough for me to lie down in and I happily make myself a nest and settle in for the night.

I slept. Hours passed and I was eventually woken by noises in the reception area. So I wrapped a sheet around myself and opened the door.

Receptionist shrieks then recovers herself and then gets the giggles. I sheepishly asked for a spare key and toddled off to my room passing quite a few bemused guests on the way.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 14:16, Reply)

A mate of mine
once walked into his parents bedroom in the dead of night when he was about 7 and bellowed at the top of his voice "blow your trumpets" then turned round and got back in bed while his parents tried to get back to sleep after being scared shitless.

Apparently he'd been dreaming about the Crimean war!
(El Cabron, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 14:13, Reply)

Piss! Freezer! Earache!
It was a summer's night. The weather was fine and the pub had a barbecue. I met my friend Jim, and went for a beer. I only took a tenner as I planned only to have a couple.

It went wrong. Badly, badly wrong. WHile visiting the gents I saw a man filling the fruit machine with an excessive amount of pound coins.

Being a bit of a slot jockey, I realised that it was going to pay out and summoned Jim to assist me. We took the machine for £85, then the next one for £60. It was approximately 7 in the evening at this point. I remember little else, but there is a persistent memory of honking up in the harbour and buying an excessive amount of Chinese food on the way home.

On my arrival back at my house I tried to be silent so as not to disturb my sleeping girlfriend, gradually disentangling myself from my clothes with a grace that would have made an elephant ashamed, and then tumbling into bed.

I was told what I had done the next morning. I had got out of bed and stumbled into the wardrobe, making a hell of a din and waking my wife. She asked what I was doing and I explained that I was having a wee. She gently pointed out that I was in the wardrobe and suggested I use the toilet. I grunted acknowledgement and made my way via the walls and floor towards the bathroom.

I took a wrong turn along the way. We had a chest freezer at the time. I made my way to the freezer, lifted the lid and let fly with a huge beer filled piss, then returned to bed.

The first I knew of this was the almighty scream that woke me at 7 the next morning. My girlfriend had spotted a large puddle on the floor and investigated by opening the freezer. The odour combined with the yellow tinged ice had told her what had happened.

My life was miserable for the rest of the week.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Thu 23 Aug 2007, 14:05, Reply)

In Middle Of The Niiiiiight...
Slept...got up...pissed somewhere unexpected...yawn...mother saw...

BORING!

---

My ex-girlfriend and I were asleep one night, when from out of nowhere she punched me square in the bollocks. I started shouting at her and she started crying, because she "hadn't meant to hoist the curd" and "the seagull tried to peck"!

The next day she remembered none of it. Other than this she was pretty normal.

I also have a friend who sleepwalks most nights. He once woke up in his loft, cradling the water tank, in the middle of winter! He said he actually started crying when he woke up, as he was so cold.

The ladder to the loft had fallen away too, so he had to call his wife to help him! She wasn't impressed, by all accounts.
(Bigglet forgot the precise time and date on..., Thu 23 Aug 2007, 13:59, Reply)

Again not sleep walking but.................
I farted so loudly in my sleep that I woke Mr Liveinabin up.
But I didn't apologise for my unladylike behaviour, no I (still asleep) informed him to 'get your dinner out of that'.
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Thu 23 Aug 2007, 13:46, Reply)

Oh, God...
I was at a house party a few years ago, hosted by two guys at one of their parents' house, where they were both living at the time.

After a night of extremely heavy drinking, around 10 of us passed out on, under and around the various sofas, chairs, rugs and pianos in the living room.

We were woken unexpectedly early the next morning by a bloodcurdling scream from the host's mother, followed by the living room door opening and 'PETER*. Get. Out. Here. NOW!'

As we all stirred from our stupors, rubbed our eyes and exchanged worried looks, the continued sound of his mother's fury seeped through the door.

Some minutes later, with a look on his face which I find myself unable to describe to this day, Peter reappeared.

It transpired that someone had got up in the middle of the night and shat in his extremely middle class mother's shoe hamper.

Nobody was willing to own up immediately, and it was only when one of our group returned from the bathroom that he identified himself as the culprit.

He had no recollection of the event, but sometimes a skidmark can speak a thousand words.





*Name changed to protect me from the relatively innocent
(clumsyeloquence is a girl, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 13:46, Reply)

Best. QOTW. Ever.
Me and the missus lived for six months in a remote farm cottage in Aberdeenshire - no neighbours, out in the middle of nowhere, cool place.

About a month after we moved in, we crashed out after a bit of a smoke. As a result, when she reached across and switched the light on at 4am, I was slightly freaked.

Me: 'Why've you switched the light on?'
Her: (fast asleep, ethereal voice) 'For the people. There's people in here.'
Me:'...'


Oh shit. I have *no idea* what I'm going to see if I open my eyes now. I freaked. Hid under the duvet, terrified that if I reached an arm out the 'people' would grab my wrist - eventually snuck across under the covers, and stuck my hand out for a fraction of a second to switch off the light and return to my huddled, gibbering position.

She denies all knowledge to this day.
(trumpet, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 13:45, Reply)

In Soviet Russia, Sleep Walks In You!
I woke my boyfriend up by laughing manically in my sleep the other night.

Apparently when he asked me what was so funny, I replied:

"Gorbachev."


I really wish I could remember that dream :/
(itsnotmehonest, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 13:37, Reply)

Where to start?
I have been sleepwalking for most of my adult life, highlights include.

1. Taking a slash against the wall, a mere 3 feet from the bathroom. My respose to my friends frenzied shouting? 'Well I'm finished now', before sloping off to bed.

2. Walking in on two of my (female) friends, while they were getting it on. Didn't actually find out about that one for about 3 months.

3. Waking up after a night out with a half remembered dream of walking into a flatmates bedroom naked. Only to discover, yup, it wasn't a dream. I had actually also tried to steal some of his t-shirts.

4. Sitting down on the floor at a party and waking up the next morning in my own bed. Apparently I had spent a good while looking for the front door until people had tired of laughing at me and let me out. I had then managed to navigate myself home in my sleep.

Add to these, countless incidents of waking up in the wrong bed, meaningless converations while asleep and you can guess why I'm so popular.
(Lord RumbleFIsh IV this may or may not work..., Thu 23 Aug 2007, 13:33, Reply)

Not exaclty sleepwalking...
...but I do seem to talk in my sleep quite a lot. After falling asleep whilst watching Red Dwarf with my then boyfriend, apparently I rolled over, prodded him really hard in the side and told him in no uncertain terms that "you're the cat!" and went back to sleeping normally.
I also woke up twice last week to find myself mid-conversation with my current boyfriend. I seemed to have started to tell him about the bugs that needed washing in his jeans and how much they scared me, and then woke him up to tell him that "it's the boiler, not your boyfriend" (we were having hot water problems at the time).
I also do whatever job I have at the time in my sleep, asking customers if they were ok and getting really annoyed that I couldn't find the panini machine are just two occasions that stick out, not counting folding pastry, righting kayaks and teaching fencing.
(sarcasticgirl, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 13:27, Reply)

Once, when I went on holiday with my family to the Mercans.
We were enconsed in a tiny shitpiece of an apartment, in which my parents had to squeeze into a single bed, whereas my sister and I slept on opposite sofas in the lounge. Between the sofas was a coffee table, which over the course of the holiday would become a dumping ground for random paraphrenalia and tourist tat. From this point on, things get a little hazy, and family reiteration has to be treated as fact...

My sister awoke suddenly in the night, only to see me sitting on the edge of my allotted sofa, randomly arranging tat on the coffee table into mysterious formations.

Upon sensing her state of confused wakefulness, I paused, and stared at her. With a creaking voice, i asked her to "pass me that. From over there. They want it". Understandably perturbed by this cryptic line of authoritarian dialogue, she asked in a quavering voice: "get what? From where?". "That. From there", came the reply - cue random pointing - "they need it. Now". Silence. "GET ME THAT! FROM THERE! THEY WON'T WAIT ANY LONGER! NOW!!!". Sister runs screaming into my parents bedroom, and drags them into the lounge to see the madman with their own eyes.

By this time I was out of the front door and striding down the hotel hallway, swingly wildly at unseen enemies, and ranting about 'them'. In my birthday suit.

I was 9.

According to both my friends and family, I have not been sleepwalking since, though judging by the unexplained sniggers whenever the subject comes up, they are massive fucking liars.
( the_other_jeff_lebowski Croutons on my tits, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 13:23, Reply)

A couple of nights ago...
I was having a slightly sleepy conversation with my girlfriend about a new project I'd got in. I'm self employed.

I didn't realise she'd fallen asleep during the conversation and was carrying on regardless. Until she said to me "it's good that your Asian is getting you work".

She meant agent.

I don't have an agent.

Bless.
(Fat Bear is adjusting your breasts on, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 13:19, Reply)

The other night...
I was staying at my girlfriend's place in London. It was a hot night, so neither of us were sleeping particularly well, but, anyway.

Middle of the night, I wake up from my doze to my girlfriend absolutely pissing herself laughing (not literally). I asked her what she was laughing at, and got the reply "You!"

Which was nice.

She wouldn't explain any more than that, and promptly rolled over and fell asleep again.

In the morning, she denied everything. I'm just wondering what I did that was so funny as to make her sleep laugh at me.

Miss you.
( gone, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 13:17, Reply)

When I was younger...
There was a pack of ten or so of us sleeping in someone's living room after much booze.

Well; some were sleeping, a few of us were playing one of those hand destroying button-bashing Olympics style game on the playstation. Anyway.

Mid game, one of the sleepers suddenly sits bolt upright and screams, at the top of his lungs, "POUND OF APPLES. POUND OF APPLES. WALKING DOWN THE STREET WITH HER KNICKERS 'ROUND HER ANKLES."

There was silence, as we all stared at him.

Then; "Fucking hell," said he, as he lay down and slept again.
( gone, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 13:15, Reply)

Drunk sleepwalking is worse!!!
I had a heavy night with my good buddy Mr Daniels and was rather smashed by bed time, Being an 18 year old student and being at home, you tend to forget just how drunk you are when you have to worry about the property in your parents house.

Woke up in the morning and went to see a freind, Check phone to have a very nasty abusive text from my sister?

What was my crime I thought?

I later find out I had walked into her room and stood at the end of her bed, pissing all
over her GCSE art coursework.
Apparently when she screamed at me to stop, I just raised a finger to my lips and went "Shhhh".

I was not very popular to say the least!
(McBollocks stop being so fucking pretentious., Thu 23 Aug 2007, 13:11, Reply)

Number two
I think everybody knows a friend of a friend who's used their parent's wardrobe as a toilet whilst sleepwalking.

My brother used an Ali Baba clothes basket. For number twos.
( biggus_richus, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 13:08, Reply)

On holiday
In Portugal it was a couple of months ago, I just walked out the hotel room.

Now I dont know where the fuck I am.

Maddy xx.

Wooo first Maddy joke! (I think, I didnt read everything in detail)
(Gimli son of Gloin., Thu 23 Aug 2007, 13:03, Reply)

talking to people whom are mostly asleep
my wife will return conversations if she is in the first half hour of slumber. She also often has a spasm whereby she wakes herself up as she falls asleep - only the once though. Its funny as hell.

When i realised i could plant things into her mind for fun i decided to make the best use of it it could. I convinced her that her chipmonks have escaped. She doesn't have chipmonks. "what are you going to do - your chipmonks have escaped" "Wha....chipmon...escpd...where...." "come on, they are all going to escape if you aren't quick" "wha - my chipmonks - come back, oi you little bastards get back in there"

after about 15 minutes i decided to ease off, and next morning she had no recollection of it at all. except when i brought up chipmonks and she seemed to remember they were running everywhere, fousands of em.

it could have been worse - my friend held a pillow over her husbands face to see how long it would be before he threw it off. he was going a bit blue before she woke up properly and removed it.

Shes proper fit, but man is she too scary to fall asleep near.
( bazza van der trance , ooh baby baby, baby baby. Get up on this., Thu 23 Aug 2007, 13:02, Reply)

Hemar, hemmer... pile ointment
I started doing an OU masters degree some years back. One module ran a three day study weekend at Reading Univerity. Accomodation was in the campus hall of residence. During the day we studied and in the evenings we got ratarsed.

After a second evening of hard drinking, I had retired to bed. Next thing I knew, I'm standing in the stairwell in the hall of residence in the wee small hours wearing nothing but a pair of boxer shorts. And clutching a tube of Anusol (it was mine, I was suffering and needs must). After the initial shock/surprise/revelation I attempted to head back to my room. This is where things really went downhill.

The hall of residence was quite security minded. There was a lock on the entrance to the hall and locks on all the rooms, as you would expect. However, each floor off the stairwell was also protected by a locked door. And as stated previously, my inventory consisted solely of that tube of Anusol. I couldn't get into my floor, let alone my room.

I was left with a stark choice; make lots of noise and potentially wake up half the building to my plight and embarrassment; wait any number of hours until I spotted an early riser; or leave the confines or the stairwell and find the caretaker but risk being locked out of the entire building. If only I had an item in my inventory that would allow me back into the relative warmth of the stairwell.

It was then that I became grateful to a tube of pile ointment for the second time in my lifetime; I could use it as a stop between the door and the frame to stop the main door locking behind me...

Somewhere, there is a university caretaker who is, and has been for many years, dining out on the story of a drunken student waking him up in the middle of the night because he'd locked himself out of his floor while sleepwalking, armed only with a tube of toothpaste.

"What's that you've propped the door open with son?"
"Oh, that's er... toothpaste. It was the only thing I was carrying when I woke up."
"Good thinking"
"You have no idea"
( biggus_richus, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 13:01, Reply)

Mr. Rollup smoker
he's lovely bless him, but dear sweet god he makes noise. He sleep talks, and the one i love most is affectionately known as 'the moose'.

He basically makes makes this grunty honking noise at the top of his lungs, usually ending with me waking up and pissing myself as i try to quieten him down.
(Roll_Up_Smoker Hasn't had a cigarette since, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 13:00, Reply)

When I was a nipper
I used to sleepwalk A LOT as a kid and did some fairly bizarre things, like standing out in the back garden in my jim-jams shouting "Darren!" at the top of my voice. My mum also found me once trying to climb into the airing cupboard because a monster was following me. Of course, I would have no recollection of the previous night's terrors the following morning.
I'm hoping that in my adult life, I've grown out of this but a number of years ago I woke in the morning with that weird feeling of morning-after-night-before dread. I had the vaguest memory of walking out of my flat, bollock naked, and taking a piss against the wall in the outside yard. A yard that was overlooked by a number of other flats.
Where I live now, the front door opens up on to a busy street, just down the road from our local Wetherspoons, so I hope to god I don't ever repeat it.
I also talk complete bollocks in my sleep, which annoys the fuck out of Mrs Ghostlight...
(Ghostlight, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 13:00, Reply)

The worse one I ever had...
Was probably New Year's Eve, when I went to a party, got pissed as a fart on Cider and munted out of my face on Pills, Speed, Coke and Weed.

I woke up on New Year's Day, in the back of my van, lying on a bag of tools, in a puddle of frozen piss.

I have a vauge memory that I pissed myself because it felt nice.

I was going to go back to the party, but instead it became a case of 'drive straight to Asda, get some new pants, then go home and have a shower'.

But normally I'm not too bad. I've been told by the ex-missus that I mumble things in my sleep, though.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 12:57, Reply)

Work
I've been sleepwalking through all of my jobs for the last ten years.
(frankspencer, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 12:47, Reply)

Last night...
I dreamed I was seeing a big, surly gang beat up a nerd, at college. So I dived in, started pulling the ringleader's hair hard and bit him on the soft, fleshy underarm.

However, in real life I bit Mrs Mofo's breast, very hard, waking us both up and dissolving me into fits of giggles. There are very fetching teethmarks now.

(first post, hi!)
(jothemofo, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 12:45, Reply)