Finest Toilet Grafitti I've Ever Seen
Years ago, as a mere stripling in the local college I saw the following written on the door in front of me:

"There is nothing so overrated as a bad fuck, and nothing so underrated as a good shit."

Never seen a truer word written on a shithouse door, before or since :)
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Thu 8 Sep 2005, 9:44, Reply)

Work Pooage
Everyone knows it's a massive faux pas to stroll into a cubicle someone else has just been in.
At work recently, I felt the urge to empty my bowels, so went to curl out a pony in cubicle 4.
Knowing someone would walk in afterwards, I decided to use sink 1, post crap, so that people wouldn't think the hideous smell in cubicle 4 was from my bottom.
Sure enough, someone walked in, and thought they'd be clever, seeing me at sink 1, by using cubicle 4.

The horrified look on his face was priceless, as well as the "'fuck's sake!" blurted from his poo gas filled mouth.

I departed as hastily as he from the toilets.
(johnnymasterson, Thu 8 Sep 2005, 9:30, Reply)

hot lunch surprise
me and the guys i lived with had a little "competition". it was all based around who could leave the most terrifying turd in the can for the next person to find. i remember, in the weeks leading up to my appendix rupturing, one morning spitting shit into the bowl about three or four times without flushing whilst giggling like a little school girl in anticipation for someone to find my layered mess. i was expecting a reaction of nuclear proportions when they did, that was not to be however, my mate Rico just waltzed in and flushed it all away without even lifting the lid. it's as if he knew what i'd been up to... i was mortified, i'd looked that beast in the face and cringed each time i added a layer... bastard...
(kalimah, Thu 8 Sep 2005, 3:03, Reply)

Crap
some dirty git at my place of work (lets call it SKY) curled, what can only be described as "a babys arm", of into the bowl.

Now im not sure if they tried to flush it, or left it out for all and sundry to see, but it was fucking massive and stunk to high heaven. still, my mate managed to get a photo of it on his phone, the dirty git.

oh and someone left a copy of nuts or zoo or whatever on the skint in the bogs at work, with some of the pages curiously stuff together, with man glue.
who really wanks at work? sick fucks.

/runs

edit : the bogs in middlesbrough bus station are horrible, frequented by smack heads, random scunners, the homeless and people who leave little "anecdotes" on the doors.
*shudders*

edit 2: sorry, i just remembered that in a club in stockton (where i live) on the back of one of the doors these words of infinite wisdom were scrawled:
"i said no to drugs but they wouldnt listen"
true.
(Geoff Leopard, Thu 8 Sep 2005, 2:11, Reply)

Technically not in but....
After an exrtemely heavy night out I was on a train going to Glasgow cos my pipe band was playing at the opening of the special olympics (and as a note I knew I had booked a ticket to hull as soon as we where told of this!).

Now my belt is rather high up due to the length of my kilt and when sitting it is a tad uncomfertable. I had made myself eat something before leaving my house as I knew I would pass out half way to the station.

About half way into the journey my stomach is doing loop-the-loops so I decide the toilet is need. Press the button, nothing, worringly press it more.

Some women says "ah you need the ticket guy to open it". Now I had been on that train for a good 30 minutes with no sign of the fucker. So I go back to my seat and take my mind of it with porn in my mind and the likes. But it couldn't last.

I just had too. And to the people in seats neary by I am sorry for the lack of warning, the fact it sounded like I was giving birth from the mouth or the fact all the water I drank from being dehydrated made it all a very watery mess that ran everywhere.

Felt fucking magic afterwards though.

Sorry for legnth, still can't see it under my kilt though!
(puggs, Thu 8 Sep 2005, 1:04, Reply)

For anybody on the train tomorrow...IT'S A GUSHER!
My housemate works for Jarvis in the railway signal design department, he is office based but spent the first 6 months out with the workers trackside seeing how everything works.

Everytime a train driver sees people trackside he has to blow his horn and the workparty has to acknowledge, they take this very seriously.

One day whilst the group were all stood around watching one bloke do some delicate wiring job, up to his elbows in a complicated signal box, the spotter says 'train'
The train driver blows his horn and the spotter waves back, he then shouts 'It's a gusher!' and starts to run up the embankment followed by the rest of the crew, including my housemate who didn't have a clue what was hapening.

The only person not to move was the bloke up to his elbows in the box, he couldnt let go of the gubbins for fear of screwing up the job.

The rest of them watched as an express train thundered past trailing two long vortexes of effluent enhanced mist. The train having passed they all walked back to find a drenched sparks not best pleased with the situation.

He had a few close scrapes himself and now partakes in this trackworkers tradition. Anytime he is on a train, either stood near the bogs or best of all on them, upon hearing the horn he counts to three and then flushes.

Less length?.. Let daddy do the driving!
('tin'tintin, Thu 8 Sep 2005, 0:34, Reply)

Automatic Flush?
McD's restaurant: New kid is taken to see the fancy, proto-type, voice-activated toilet in the staff room. It's for hygiene you see?

I say 'Flush!' in a stern voice and my mate, who is hiding in the girls' changing room with all the plumbing maintainence panels open, pulls the chain from inside the cistern. Et voila!

End of shift new kid spends forever shouting "Flush! Flush! FLUSH!" at the damn thing.

He even took us seriously when we said they were designed in America so he may need to put on an accent.

Ah.
Happy days.
(castro, Wed 7 Sep 2005, 23:58, Reply)

"No, this is not fucking happening, seriously no"
These were the thoughts going through my head when my first date with new girlfriend Sarah came to an unexpectedly messy end...i think I've posted this anecdote twice in various threads on b3ta before but here it goes again due to the sheer relevance of it.

I was 15 and despite my overweightness and general uglyness somehow the fittest girl in the year had asked me out. This was probably y first girlfriend and I got instant kudos from all the lads for it. Proof that being the class clown does occasionally pay off.

Anyway we were out on a date to the cinema, it went great, excellent snoggage and such, yes, fab, brill. We then went to go walk around the shopping centre which also included a lot of kissing and stuff and was also turning out to be a succesful endeavour. Then I needed the toilet. Fine. I left her sitting outside the lavs as I went to go do my business.

Had a good shit, so to speak, regular stuff, maybe slightly wet but nothing to worry about. Wiped my arse...somethings wrong...oh dear...oh my fucking god oh dear. To my horror I had done the unthinkable terror of everyone who has ever shat in their life (Im under the belief that is is the majority of us): I had wiped my arse....on my t shirt. A huge fat wipe. On my fucking favorite south park t-shirt I had got for christmas.

Panic struck, I finished off with some bog roll and stashed my poo stained shirt under the u bend and put my hoodie on (this was a particularly hot day by the way) then proceeded to wash my hands. I then spent what seemed a life time with Sarah trieing by any means necessary to end the date without looking like I was brushing her off. This ended up with me walking around in nothing but a hoodie for a further 3 hours in boiling conditions, all the while paranoid that she could smell shit off of me.

To this day I have somewhat of a complex about this reoccouring and always without fail will pull the front of my top tight before even considering wiping. I hope with all my heart that no one else ever has to live this nightmare of a situation and ask you all to learn from my misfourtune. thank you.
( Grundlebiscuit, Wed 7 Sep 2005, 23:40, Reply)

Goldfish
Lost my goldish(3of them), after seaching for 20mins found them under a towel under the sink in our toilet.
My son had thought they needed a wash and then hidden them under a towel.
Miraculasly they survived, well for a couple of weeks anyhoo!
(Smumps, Wed 7 Sep 2005, 22:19, Reply)

Toothbrush
A number of years ago I shared a house with a friend, and it was a typical bloke house, i.e. we didn't clean the loo very often. It was an old house with an old limescaled toilet, complete with the odd suspicious brown stain and the usual pong of old wee, not quite The Young Ones, but close. One night my girlfriend stayed over and borrowed my toothbrush, nothing strange there, but from that night on she always remembered hers without fail. The sink was next to the loo and whilst cleaning her teeth, she dropped it down the pan, retrieved it, washed it under the hot tap and "forgot" to mention it. I must have used that toothbrush for about six months.
(Julian Coped, Wed 7 Sep 2005, 22:04, Reply)

When I was 2
My Mum caught sight of me carrying my kitten up the stairs and thought nothing of it. Moments later my Dad found me holding the poor, struggling thing in the bowl and reaching for the flush - he stopped me... fucker
(Chom, Wed 7 Sep 2005, 21:47, Reply)

In Peru, with a group of English folk on a 16 hour coach trip.
Only one toilet, with a sign in Spanish that blatantly said "don't shit in this, piss only," no matter how poor your Spanish is.
Even without the sign, it's obvious that this is a piss only toilet, as there is no flush, and no room for poo poo.
Nevertheless, the numpty sitting next to me departs to relieve himself, and comes back smelling of shit.

"Have you just had a shit?" "Uh, yeah I did."

"In the URINAL?" "Uh, yeah."

So the only toilet on the coach was blocked up with a massive nest of crap for the 8 hours remaining.
The worst part is that the smell that stuck with him leads me to believe that detective Holmes neglected to check for bog roll BEFORE shitting in the urinal.

Twat.


You love the length.
(Slurpy The Frog, Wed 7 Sep 2005, 21:45, Reply)

Dropping a bollock
Having a pee in a pub toilet when this chap staggers in, refreshed as a newt. He finally reaches the urinal next to me, and after a slurred hello starts trying to unzip his fly which he eventually manages, next he fishes inside his pants for his knob, pulls out a bollock instead and proceeds to piss down his trouser leg.

Apologies for watching, but I had it in my head that in ten or so years time I'd be posting this on b3ta.
(Julian Coped, Wed 7 Sep 2005, 20:50, Reply)

The shit of badness
The worst shit I ever took had a massive ass-hair afro of sorts. As I shat, it pulled many many ass-hairs that were congregated about my rusty sheriff's badge down with it. From then on it was called 'the dreaded shit' for 2 reasons.
1) hurt like aids
2) it had hair

end

edit: my little sister thinks 'the cat crept into the crypt crapped then crept out again' is funny AND topical.
(mrmonkfish yolo420weedwizard, Wed 7 Sep 2005, 20:22, Reply)

Dog's Dinner
I was at a party hosted by a friend of my bf at the time, Ben, whose parents were away for the evening. Several hours later, feeling very loved up and frisky, me and bf decide to indulge in a bit of rampantness in the toilet, as all the bedrooms were occupied. Afterwards, he goes to dispose of the condom and we discover there is no bin in there.. so, against all advice kindly provided on the durex information leaflet, we decide to try and flush it down the toilet. Three flushes later and it's still there, maddenly buoyant as my bf has tied a knot in the end, trapping some air and unwittingly creating a sort of miniature inflatable toilet raft.
We look at each other, giggling, and i say, fuck it, no one will know it was us. We make a hasty exit and think nothing more of it.
The next day, a slightly bemused Ben tells us that his mum had taken their evil little Jack Russell for a walk that day, only to witness the disturbing sight of a (slightly shrivelled) condom protruding from the dog's anus, which it then proceeded to shit out onto the pavement.
The little bastard had only gone and eaten the condom right out of the toilet. Eeeeuw.
(SimianRaticus, Wed 7 Sep 2005, 19:33, Reply)

In a toilet in Leicester Uni
I once saw some graffiti scrawled in tiny writing right at the bottom of the door, so small that you had to lean forward to read it, it said "You are now peeing in your shoes". Lucky for me I wasn't peeing at the time :)
( NomDePlume fo shizzle my nizzle old bean, Wed 7 Sep 2005, 19:14, Reply)

Pills
Anyone who has used the bogs by the covered market in Oxford will know they ar dodgy as f**k.

I once went in a cubicle and found three packets of high-strength painkillers that had been hastily emptied.
Also once saw two guys coming out of the same cubicle lookign very pleased with themselves. Snorting coke or cottaging, I didn't think to ask...

Oh and once in the gents at a National Trust property, which is surely the preserve of the pipe and slippers/blue rinse brigade, I saw the following graffiti:
"I want to suck your cock dry while your wife sucks on my shaven 12-incher. You'd both love it. Call this number..."

No apologies for length, girth or veiny-ness.

TIM
(Avarus, Wed 7 Sep 2005, 18:58, Reply)

I have been holding this one in for too long......
Not me but a friend!! was sat down to business feeling quite comfortable thank you ... when some body sat in next cubicle (you know how annoying that is, holding it until they leave) Way much fidgeting ensued from next toilet when under the saparating wall rolled a rather large ball of poopah!! not only that but a hand with a rather unique ring to grab it back. My friend ran!! out to tell all of us and about the ring Ahem! thats right belonged to the MD.
(Bob Catshit, Wed 7 Sep 2005, 17:30, Reply)

cruel bog world

As anyone who uses Virgin trains regularly will know, to use their new fangelised toilets you have a button on the outside to open the sliding door, then you step inside and press another button to close it, and have to stand there for an age while the door slowly closes again, and a further button to lock it.

On a really busy commute time train there was a massive que for the bog, with about 8 people in the que, and about a further 15 or so people crammed like cattle into the toilet part of the carriage as, as usual, there were no seats in any of the carriages. In front of me was an old biddy who obviously wasn't very aux fait with the complicated button pressing nature of the toilets. She went in ok, then closed the door ok, and thought she had locked it ok, but about 2 minutes later, just when she was curling one out, the door slowly started its automatic route back to the open position, which let anyone in sight (about 15 people) have a grand stand view of her taking a shit, her wrinkly legs and her old nans pants around her ankles. The worst thing was as the toilet is so far from any of the control buttons she was powerless to do anything apart from have the most horrified expression on her face. And nobody helped her.
(balboa, Wed 7 Sep 2005, 17:30, Reply)

nighclub toilet water
just remembered another. it was a good few years ago in a dark and dank dublin nightclub that has since been renovated. on friday nights there used to be only the hardest music played to the sweatiest crowd of e-ed up ravers i've ever seen. full on, tops off, dishing out hugs and jaws a go go like the testing room at the wriggleys factory.
suddenly, as the night reached it's peak, water started cascading down from the ceiling and as one, the crowd looked up and held their hands in the air as the soothing water flowed from above over their aching and over-heated bodies. i even saw some thisty clubbers, mindful of warnings about dehydration, open their mouths and gulp at one of the streams.
it was only later, as i stayed behind for a drink with the staff that i found out that the toilets above the dancefloor had backed up and overflowed leaving shit all over floor and sewage to pour down into the club below.

another toilet one from the same club - if you could've opened the door to disabled toilets you would have found that it was just stuck to wall and there was no toilet behind it at all.
(e p f, Wed 7 Sep 2005, 17:02, Reply)

Someone round here must have a sore nipsy….
I've just been to the bogs at work, and had to use a cubical due to urinal crowding (I’m quite capable of pissing on my own clothes without having someone else hose me down into the bargain) and found a fucking otter in there- this thing was about the same size as one of those big cans of Stella. Devoid of any paper I can only assume that the owner was left in such a state of breathless shock (pride maybe?!) after passing that they just waddled, numb, straight out the door, pants round ankles. Wasn’t me, but I bet my flush didn’t shift it, and there was no way I was going to try and explain to the cleaner as he saw me staggering out giggling at the thought of our plumbing trying to ship that one out.

I’ve called an ambulance.

Top QOTW btw
(this is a shit username, Wed 7 Sep 2005, 16:55, Reply)

toilets
1. One time i was staying in prauge with a groop of mates, whilst having my 16th pint i woke up with a start in my hotel. after having the night explained to me apparently i fell asleep on the toilet and evryone was filming me passed out on the toilet with thier mobile phones.

2. this weekend i found the funniest notice in a public bog in yorkshire. basicly it was a police aware notice warning about police monitering the place because of "actions contravening public decency laws". Fucking classic.
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Wed 7 Sep 2005, 16:47, Reply)

milk shinanigans
I tried to shit in a girls kitchen drawer whilst she was upstairs once....couldn't pull it off...although it made me realised I desperatley needed to piss....on that note I opened her fridge and lagged into a four pinter.

fridgid bitch drank it as well without even knowing.

I also shoved a teaspoon into my arse and laid it back in the drawer......tea is served.
(vitch, Wed 7 Sep 2005, 16:42, Reply)

Eau de toilette
I used to work in a comedy club which was situated underneath a very popular and busy bar/club. For several weeks, the bar had a problem with their ladies toilets flooding, which would result in drips of water coming through our ceiling into our main bar area. We would get a bucket to catch the liquid and put up a wet floor sign. This was usually while we were open to the public, but declined to mention where the overflow originated on "health and safety grounds".

Well, after a few weeks of this, our ceiling began to show signs of stress, with cracks and bulges getting bigger on each occasion. The inevitable was not far off.

And sure enough, one night we had a veritable deluge as our long-suffering ceiling finally succumbed, with a waterfall of niaguran proportions gushing forth. Cue my colleagues and I running for bins to capture the flow, and a cordon to keep customers safely away.

Imagine my face as one gentleman reached out to our water feature with both hands, then splashed his face merrily, laughing away. Our suggestions that his actions were "perhaps not a good idea" were ignored in blissful ignorance.

The daft twunt must have been pissed out of his tree not to smell the stench of his chosen aftershave.

F x
(Flurble - The Innocent One, Wed 7 Sep 2005, 16:38, Reply)

Jaques
And I shed a tear for poor old Jaques...would he remember, I think not. He would be enjoying the last of the summerwine with old friends whilst I whittled away the hours with a bottle gin from days gone by.

Poor old Jaques he is no more.... He lost the lot and had to go. If only the young girls could help but they cackle and miningle like birds of a feather.

Oh poor old Jaques....can't you come back.

back

again.....
(vitch, Wed 7 Sep 2005, 16:37, Reply)

At A party .. blah blah
Two people decided to get off with one another. In the small hours of the morning, after most of the partying had stopped and people were trying to get some sleep this couple decided it'd be a great idea to lock themselves in the toilet to get a little more privacy. Must've seemed like a good idea at the time especially as there was another toilet upstairs for people to use.

They failed to reckon without someone getting roaring drunk and finding themselves in desperate need of a vomit. He comes upon the toliet door and finds it locked. In his rage and desperation he kicks the door several times until the lock breaks, then stumbles in and vomits copiously over the poor couple copulating on the floor. Then passes out.

History does not record what happened to the nascent relationship.
(MattDP (Squiggle), Wed 7 Sep 2005, 16:36, Reply)

Didn't QUITE make it...
I must have been about 4yrs old and it is one of the ONLY memories I have of my childhood.
At a family party at some aunt's place, all having a bop and eating, drinking etc. I decide to go upstairs and see what my younger cousins are up to.

I get to the top and can hear my 3yr old cousin banging at the toilet door shouting 'Poo! Poo!' whilst clutching at her backside for dear life. Meanwhile, her shitbag of a brother (aged 4) is in the loo locked away laughing at her and refusing to open the door.

What she did I will NEVER forget. She trotted into his bedroom, dragged out his giant pick-up truck toy, placed it at the top of the stairs, lifted her dress up, pants down and laid a perfectly formed turd in the back of the truck.

Pretty fucking smart for a 3 year old. The icing on the cake was the shitbag brother crying for the rest of the night and being given smug looks by his younger sibling.
(LadyIsATramp, Wed 7 Sep 2005, 15:37, Reply)

i have yet to post but
ratemypoo.com
( bertisfantastic bert is a sleepy bear, Wed 7 Sep 2005, 15:30, Reply)