Naughty Me
When I was at uni I worked part time in a large supermarket, which was run by idiots like a prison camp so we had to amuse ourselves with what we could get our hands on. Here is a few of our pearls of wisdom:

Making pen holders from fish heads.
making explosive devices from pineapple juice and sterident tablets.
Lobster racing.
Cutting the bands of their claws so they were dangerous to handle.
Putting whole live crabs and lobsters in the cockroach traps for the bug bloke to find.
Getting a supervisor the sack after binning most of the department.
Inventing new reasons for throwing stuff away, E.G Flame grapes, Flame gone out (thanks Mr C)
Hiding various root vegetables for months, to find out which smelt the worst (swede).
Hitting coworkers with a large Salmon.
Sticking lettuce leaves to the bosses BMW with oxtail soup on a winters day.
Creating monuments to student opression from various food groups.
and finally cooking dohnuts without topping up the oil which caused the fire alarm to go off and 4 fire engines to arrive.Ooops.

I never got the sack.
( bovineharvester is quite ill, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 19:31, Reply)

I should get fired
from my job at the research lab, I used the foot and mouth virus instead of air freshener to take away the smell of cows
( Dill, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 18:15, Reply)

Don't work with gay-hairdressers
'Coz they're worse than women!

Anyway, being just a lad of 17 years and with 12 weeks off in the summer to not do a great deal, I decided to get a job in a hairdressers owned by one of the most flamboyant gay-boys this side of San Francisco to earn some extra cash...
Now, where I live is a smallish town in the south of Spain where there is not really a great call for 'professional' and 'five star' salons - Said cocoshunter would not have this and thus his business is going quickly down the proverbial swanny, but blamed it on his staff. Also, I would like to mention that my former boss is far from being five star himself - He abuses his staff, is foul tempered, short, fat, and smokes cheap fags. Not exactly the image of being fucking suave, is it now?

Anyway, I gets back from a summer jaunt over to Italy, and he begins to start winding me up - Shouting at me in front of client, swearing, asking me to do overtime without any extra reward etc etc!
One evening, a friend and former colleague forgot to turn the coffee machine off (he said it would have burnt his salon down - IT'S A F00KING HOT PLATE, FOR WATERMELONS SAKE), and I missed a few bits of hair coz I didn't have my lenses in - Following morning, I get bollocked for being lazy, unprofessional, useless... I tell him "If I'm not up to standards to work in your 5 star salon, I'm off home". Boss stands there giving it the big queeny-strop and I walk out.

Now for the best bit - my mate who works there leaves in the same day, and the beautician leaves within two weeks of the shit hitting the fan. Me 1 - him 0 'coz there's only 2 staff left there!

Also, I am in no way homophobic as I still drink with his partner, and I have other gay friends. Just happened this guy was a cunnn!

Again, no apologies for length - I've never had to before!
(Margaret Thatchers Right Gonad Is up inside ya, finding an entrance where He can!, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 16:55, Reply)

Frozen Food Company
Once I was working during the summer as a Cold Store warehouse person. I was very badly trained and so was my co-worker (we were there replacing one fully experienced warehouseman, that used to run the place by himself), to the point where we were worse than useless. Add to this the fact that our environment was in minus 25 degrees C, and you can imagine imcompetence to an unparalelled degree.

First off we used to squash each other against the wall with forklift trucks loaded with pallets of frozen chips. The only thing stopping us from crushing ourselves to death is that the wheels spun on the slippery floor.
We also used to pour coffee and tea into the salmon, which would then freeze. Imagine a top chef getting one of these.

I would take great pleasure in putting boot prints in the catering size desserts, and repacking them. Whereas my buddy would fill the staff boxes (which should have been a lucky dip of cosmetically spoiled food they could buy for a fiver) with bits of rubbish he found lying around the carpark.

We were so bad at unloading lorries that the drivers would complain about us to the management. It used to take an hour, with us it was more like three, and because we were only allowed in the cold store for an hour at a time, it would totally drive them mad when we went out to 'warm up'. We didn't care, who else were they going to get to do such a shitty job.

I was eventually sacked for being caught kicking bags of peas so hard that they would explode everywhere, and make the nightstaff slip over. My mate, I later learned, was sacked just after me, for seeing how quickly a coffee cup full of his piss would freeze in front of the 'blowers'. For those technically minded amongst you, if I remember correctly, there was a windchill of minus 40, and it froze in one and a half minutes.
(leancranker, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 16:51, Reply)

Reviews
I'm a journo. I've just discovered that if I email a load of restaurants asking them for a free meal in return for a brown-nosing review, THEY AGREE! I'm eating out for the next fortnight. I'm thinking of expanding into cinema and theatre.
(Fothermucker, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 16:30, Reply)

Copywriting
The art spending three days coming up with a short sentence. Any child can do it faster than that, but they are not skilled wordsmiths like what I is.
(frankspencer, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 16:25, Reply)

Christmas Do (really, do it)
I got sacked from my old job as a data inputter (fun fun fun). I saw my prick of a boss passed out on a table at the Christmas Do, his shiny bald head sending the light from the dance floor bouncing all over the room. So I got a pen, wrote "C*NT" on the back of his head, took a picture and sent it as a Christmas card to everyone in the office.

After that it was decided that I didn't fit the requirements of the job.
( Furness, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 16:21, Reply)

Post office temp
One summer I was a temp in the postal sorting office and the routine was turn up at 5pm, sign in on a sheet, report to duty manager to get sent to wherever around the place, 10pm sign out on the sheet.

Though I worked hard from 5-8pm and was normally then sent home with full pay until 10pm I met a few mates there including one chap who routinely would turn up at 5pm to sign in, then immediately leave and return just before 10pm to sign out. Turns out he was in the pub round the corner all the time.
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 16:14, Reply)

i've spent all day reading this QOTW
and playing armageTRON

'nuff said
( lo, the Greebo Warrior - Est. 2002, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 16:11, Reply)

Flat Cart Bobsleigh Chicken
Being a student, I am in the very desirable situation of not caring when or how I lose my job, and therefore do very little work, instead developing brilliantly dangerous and sackable games like "Flat Cart Bobsleigh Chicken".

I work in a very long warehouse of a well known store. In this warehouse are two very old, damaged and rickity flatcarts, just large enough to fit two people standing up. In addition, in the dead centre of the warehouse is a girder that can be reached by jumping from the flatcarts. The game is therefore this:

Two people and a flatcart at one end race to the centre of the warehouse against two other people at the other end by running the flat cart up to speed and one team member jumping on it (in the classic bobsleigh manner) while the other keeps running and pushing it. The first team to the centre can jump up and grab the girder before the imminent collision. The losing team however dont get that option invariably get badly injured.
( Furness, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 16:01, Reply)

the only difference between my 'work' and my 'breaks'
is that i'm surfing b3ta instead of reading my book
( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 16:00, Reply)

The football season begins tomorrow...
.....and as much as i detest the overpaid over hyped industry. I currently have 23 different fantasy teams that have taken up most of this week to choose. Appologies for those of you still waiting for your luggage to be returned from your holiday destination but f*kc it - i'm taking the kids to fcuking centre parks next month and you've at least been away somewhere decent whereas I'm going to fckuing centre parks - get that ????? fukciung CENTRE CtNTING PARKS. sH*T PLACE sH*T FOOD, HORRIBLE PEOPLE - I've also started picking my nose again for the 1st time in years (does this count as a sackable offence?)
(John Elton, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 15:46, Reply)

I waste my time
I have asked my Boss to sack me several times so that I can sign on and have free dentistry, proscriptions etc. I have just had nearly a year off sick because of complications from major surgery last year and have collapsed in work twice in the last three months. To make matters worse, they cut my pay forcing me back to work before I was fit.

Go on you bastards, sack me!
( Rev. Jayneflakes Buy my book, I need the cash for drugs and hookers, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 15:35, Reply)

my CV says
'a highly skilled media researcher responsible for reporting on market and audience trends to a board level' blah blah blah

what it should say is:

'Spent an average of 6 hours a week in the gents toilets using a company mobile phone to frantically masturbate over pictures of teenage Thai girls in school uniforms being sodomised by middle aged european men'
( bigmeuprudeboy is using powerpoint or paint...have MERCY, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 15:34, Reply)

Lifeguard
I forgot to say when I was a lifeguard, instead of scooping kids poo out of the pool, I just mashed it up with the broom and watched it float away.
Length? Short and smelling of poo!
Also used to throw kids in the pool and turn up to hungover i couldn't see, how no one drowned I will never know!
(English Bloke82, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 15:21, Reply)

Dingo21
No you aren't! You're a temp!

They should fire you for fibbing!
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Fri 10 Aug 2007, 15:12, Reply)

Managers
I'm a manager and not incompetent.
(Dingo21 killing hippos on, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 15:06, Reply)

back when i used to work for a footie club
I was one of the "team leaders" in the restaurant, so could basically get all the agency idiots to do all my work.
Also became good mates with the manager and other supervisors, which led to many shennanigans...
Deciding to have a party after work, none of us had money for booze, not a problem, go to the store room and fill up a bin bag with bottles, leave by the bins and pick up later.
Drive a car round to the cellar doors, roll a barrel of beer out along with a pump thing to let us get at it.

Also was going out with one of the girls there, and had a scam going with taxi receipts, where we would both get the same taxi back to her house, give the taxi driver a few quid extra and get 2 or 3 more receipts, which would then be filled in at her house in her mums handwriting to the sum of £20ish each. Profit off of each taxi ride after paying the original fare was about £40, meant that we could go and get wasted after work or do stuff rather than wasting wages.

Oh, and having sex in the tablecloth cupboard. I made sure the one I wiped my nob on was used on the cocky fuckers table.

At a club when I was at uni, took to drinking in the cellar and hiding the rubbish in the gap between the roof tiles and ceiling proper.
Also operated a policy, whereby prices would go through as a 1p no-sale, and the money would end up in my tip jar. Used to make about £20 a night from that.

Mates rates drinks, ie - 40p a round no matter how big or small.

To be fair, in that job 11 out of 12 months they didnt pay me and I had to go get a cheque, at one point I was owed £760 and living off one slice of toast a day and making myself seriously ill.

Got sacked for allegedly being racist, as an innocuous comment got Chinese whispered to the mini-hitler boss who was so far away from the right end of the stick she was sat under another tree.

Happy days, now I have a real job that isn't in the "service" industry :)
(triley, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 14:48, Reply)

Out...
Because India are currently 510-7...

Yours,
Peter Moores, England Cricket Coach.

EDIT: 664 all cunting out. Bah.
(Rakky (forgot her password) The muffin maverick, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 14:45, Reply)

KFC! Freezers! Theft
The only time (well, one of the only times) I've actualy been fired was my dramatic exit from KFC.I used to work in a walk-in KFC on a very busy student drinking road, so business was always pretty hectic.

When I joined the team I was inerviewed by Martin. The only question was "Do you like boxing?" I said yes, and gained a job on the counter.

We were a merry band; Danny and I formed a strong alliance, and were guilty of cleaning up naked and leaving the cctv to be viewed by senior management, theft of food and general misbehaviour. Martin was our mate and gave us a lot of leeway. Then the money from the safe vanished. Martin was dismissed and Danny and I were nicked then released.

Martin's replacement was Gemma. A bitch of the highest order. She was 25, and it had taken her 9 years to reach the dizzying heights of temporary small branch manager.

She refused to allow staff nice bits of chicken in their meals (we ignored her) and generally made life unpleasant. She was out of her depth, and despite loathing her I once volunteered to do her a favour and worked a double shift to cover her poor rota skills. Ahe was weeping, and what else could I do?

She made my life hell afterwards so Danny and I launched a sustained campaign against her. At KFC there are, of necessity, very cold walk in freezers. We soaked then froze her street clothes, putting each item, and each key, and each credit card into the bottom of a box of fries. Then we soaked her.

She was ill for some time.

The campaign continued, and eventually the crunch came and I was asked to leave, after I had threatened to cut Bharat C Patel, the owner, into little pieces. As I left I threw her hat into the frier. I also superglued her car door locks shut as I left the building.

The beauty was that as a student I was perpetually skint. In the weeks before my dismissal I had stolen 50 kilos of special breading, and many boxes of fillets and other items.

And to top it off the other guys that hadn't been fired continued to cook up a full rack of chicken (28 pieces or so), beans, chips and gravy before coming round mine after closing for a beer, smoke and go on the playstation.

Happy days
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Fri 10 Aug 2007, 14:42, Reply)

My trainer
I have a shiny new job handling your enquiries about the fine you copped for being pissed in charge of a bicycle, and am currently in training. I like my trainer, who is good at her job and teaches boring material fairly well.

However, today she was showing examples on her laptop via a projector, and used the drop down menu on the IE address bar to navigate to our training database. This shows the recent browser history. Aside from some fairly obvious websites you might browse while working at a fines processing centre, such as the roads authority, maps websites, newspapers and email (we're allowed "reasonable use"), this URL stood out...

www.eros.com/

I don't know who owned the laptop, but I quite like the idea of our large, matter-of-fact trainer flicking her bean to goth porn. I would hate for her to be sacked.

I on the other hand should be sacked because I spend my time thinking how much I would like to perform acts of oral liquidity on the hairy-chested Irish backpacker in my team. (If you're reading this, sorry, I'm not one of the cute little Asian girls, but I'm sure they'd be up for it.)
(Emily Bruce-Dickinson http://jovialfellow.blogspot.com/, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 14:35, Reply)

50%
I'm only 'working' about 50% of the time. Most monday's I actually do fuck all except email mates about the previous and upcoming weekends. Still, at least there's nothing to steal here except pens otherwise I'd have more reason why I should be fired.
I also keep my mouth shut about the incompetence of those working on the same team so I can apply myself 50% of the time and still look like a fucking saviour.
(cannonfodder fodder for cannons on, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 14:26, Reply)

Its not MY fault....
I do try to work here.

But.

They don't make me.

So fuck it.

Hi Elaine - please stop working and look at B3ta - its the fucking mutts testiculos.
(TAZ220 Not giving a toss since, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 14:20, Reply)

Currently?
I have been in my new job for 4 months. I hate this new job because.

1. All the interesting projects are stolen by a team of consultants.
2. The server infrastructure is shit
3. I have no budget to fix it.
4. The people in my office never speak.
5. My manager only ever gets involved in issues to shit everywhere and make a mess.

I probably wont be here long enough to get fired, but if I were it would be because..

1. I take lunchbreaks longer than the stipulated 1 hour.
2. I wear shirts without a collar, in direct contravention of the dress code
3. I spend too long every day in the tea room chatting.
4. I get Purchase Orders for large sums signed off by staff who have no control over that particular budget. (Gross Misconduct - I checked it in the staff handbook - go figure)
5. I have whipped 6 other members of staff into a frenzy to the extent that they are looking for alternative employement too.
(LunarJim, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 14:13, Reply)

I lost the answer to this week's QOTW
I did fax it
I'm sure i emailed it
no wait, that was before i started working here
i thought you wanted it next week
i haven't got the password
... fuck it, i'll do it tomorrow.
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 14:07, Reply)

Where to begin...
When I first started my current job, my boss noticed me on B3ta alot, she just had a quiet word in my ear, and as I actually like this job, thought it was best that I cut down to before work and lunch!

In my old pub, I should have been sacked for the following:

-Having sex (under the CCTV camera!)
-Playing truth or dare (those bottles came in handy....!)and yes, we put them back in the fridge, we even marked them so we knew when we were going to sell them!
- By and large I used to be pretty damn hygenic in the kitchen (i dont agree with doing stuff to peoples' food, you wouldnt like it being done to you!) but I have served chicken that has fallen on the floor.
-Watched a girl lick a panini bun and serve it to her ex.
-Played naked pool. It was a slow sunday, and there was another person there to cover if we had a customer..!
- to many illegal lock-ins to mention.

I miss that place.

Wworking for a large electrical retailer which may or may not rhyme with Rixons, We used to throw stock around before giving it to clients. Buying a really expensive digital camera? We used to go 'looking' for it, all the while throwing it around the stockroom and playing Hockeyw with your soon to be brand new prized posession!

Length? about a four foot fall to the floor,
(drain_bamaged, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 14:04, Reply)

Lazy Friday
The highlights of my working day so far..? Filing my nails and picking a scab. I get paid for this - hee hee!
(NJ, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 14:03, Reply)

fired from sandwhich shop
back in my student days, i needed a saturday job, and as one of my friends Jenni was earning good money in the local sandwhich shop, i decided i'd get a job there too!

the boss asks me in the interview, if i have any experience in cooking, and if i want a career in the catering business? Answer to both questions - NO

Boss asks me if i did catering classes at school! - i reply that i didnt take them, i just wasnt very good at them....

amazingly Boss takes pity on me and gives me a job!

Yay!

Cue next saturday awaiting my orders in the sandwhich kitchen the next weekend!

boss tells me i am to make some sort of pasta...

...so i start making it and boss tells me to add a pinch of salt.. so i do, but boss tells me off saying "in the kitchen - a 'pinch of salt' is much bigger" and demonstrates by taking a HAND-FULL of salt and putting it in the pasta thing i was making! ...

pasta thing actually turned out ok.. so boss tells me to make egg mayo for the rolls.

(using about 20 eggs - alot of egg mayo to be made!)

Boss reminds me to add in a pinch of salt... so remembering back to my earlier lesson.. i put in a handful of salt! ... half hour later boss tastes the egg mayo, and errupts into crazed madness! - i had basically made salt - with a taste of egg mayo!

i get taken off the egg mayo duties and get told to peal and cut up potatoes...

this i could do no problems, until......

i cut this huge potatoe in half without holding onto it, which flys accross the room and hits the boss!... i swear pure acciedental!

im told im trouble and best if i get a cleaning job elsewere!

i lasted a day at that job - and i still cant cook!

i amazed my mate a while back when i asked her which bit of the egg is the yolk!

:(
(chixor, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 13:35, Reply)

Large, Large or Large?
Not me, but a collegue went into a chippy and ordered fish and chips.

"Medium or large?" Asked the lady behind the counter.

"Medium." Says the collegue.

"Oh I'm sorry, we only do large." She replied.

Huh???
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Fri 10 Aug 2007, 13:33, Reply)

In The Beginning.......
Right then, in agreement with some earlier posts, I won’t go on about my current job because people know who I am now…but I’ll say this one, as it happened yonks ago.

My first proper job was for a free weekly newspaper that depended on advertising revenue. I had a meteoric rise through the ranks (because only about 15 people worked there) from office junior to ‘Distribution Manager’ (sounds grand doesn’t it?).

What it meant was that I had to hire / fire and generally pander to all the little scrote-bucket delivery boys & girls and give ‘em a kicking when I found a pile of newspapers chucked in a hedge somewhere by some lazy little fuckflange. I always kind of sympathised because they were being paid about 1.5p per newspaper delivered. Poor little arse-spanners.

But then there were the ‘trouble-shooters’. These brave souls would deliver where nobody else would go and do anything to get the rag to the unsuspecting public. For their trouble they were spunked a whopping 3.5p per paper (I’ll leave it a second for you all to get up from the floor) and a few pence per mile. These people delivered thousands of papers…and ended up getting paid quite a bit.

My job was actually alright; but then my boss (and owner of the newspaper, whom I respected) was run out of business in a take-over by some twat-scratchers. I pretty much lost my 'motivation' for the company from that point on.

One time (not at bandcamp) I accidentally ordered 10000 more copies than was required. My new boss fired an egg roll out of his arse, and ordered me to get additional delivery gits: troubleshooters, boys, girls, dogs, cats, anything as long as the papers were delivered. Within three days. His theory was that he could then proudly announce an increase in the circulation, get additional advertising revenue and everybody would be happy. What a positive-thinking turdsqueak.

Thus my plan was born.

I invented some ‘troubleshooters’ (whose addresses just so happened to be mate’s houses) and arranged for the 10000 papers to be split up and dropped off at their shagpads. After the drops, I went round, collected them all, took them to the recycling place and collected payment. I also made sure that each ‘troubleshooter’ was paid at top rate and paid a petrol allowance, which I then promptly collected.

Everyone was happy – especially me. So I continued and on top of my £7K salary, pocketed approx 21K in a year which I spent on hard-up uni-friends, band equipment and taking girls out for expensive meals and the like.

It was known in my social circle as simply ‘The Result’

But here’s the best part – due to the ‘increase in circulation’, my job then became going out in fancy company cars ‘house-checking’ that the papers were being delivered! – or in other words, going to the pub and getting back at 5pm saying, “Yup, those trouble-shooters are doing a tip top job (hic)”

I wasn’t sacked, but I’m sure you all agree, I fucking well should have been.

Unsurprisingly, (pun warning) the paper folded. Funny that. I was made redundant and got a crappy pay-off but couldn’t really complain. I was one of the last to go!

I did feel a bit bad and responsible about the whole thing until I found out that every rumpscuttle in the place had scams going… like the girl I was kind of seeing at the time making sure that she won every single competition, and the sales girls who gave free ads in a ‘barter system’.

I hope this doesn’t lead to any ‘copycat’ scams being born. This stuff is wrong, kids (but funny if you don’t get caught)

Apologies for length..but hey, you should be used to it by now.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 10 Aug 2007, 13:24, Reply)