The Adventures of Bert Monkeysex

(__, Fri 10 Sep 2010, 19:31, 24 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Ban them from public transport.
Who? Pensioners, that's who!

Went shopping in town today with my eldest. Would rather have pulled out my eyelashes individually, but "school stuff" must be purchased before the little blighters go back.

We got what we went for (as well as soaked 'cos it's pissing down!) and hopped on the bus to come home.

It was fairly busy but my daughter and I got a seat downstairs. We got three stops and the bus went from "fairly busy" to "packed to the roof". Two elderly women got on and we, being polite well-mannered young ladies (no, really!) stood up to give them the seat.

Did they thank us? Did they buggery fuck. No they did not.

One of them looked us up and down and sneered (and I mean sneered),

"I should think so too. We're entitled to these seats, you know. We're pensioners."

Now I don't know about where you guys live, but here in Edinburgh killing pensioners on the bus is rather frowned upon. So I didn't. I was sorely tempted, but I didn't. I turned the other cheek (actually, I exchanged raised eyebrows and rolled eyes with my daughter and said none of what was racing through my head). But she wasn't finished. Oh, no.

"My taxes paid for your education you know," she announced to me from the comfort of the nice warm seat I'd given her. More raised eyebrows between my daughter and I. Eyes were rolled (it's amazing how far they can roll on a moving bus!) but a dignified silence was maintained.

"I said, my taxes paid for your education, you know. In case you didn't hear me, since you didn't bother to respond," quoth the old bat in the see-through rain hat. To whom I was determined not to give the satisfaction of an answer.

My beloved, wonderful, intelligent and resourceful daughter then proved that she is, indeed, TheWeeWitch's progeny.

With a completely straight face, she announced,

"I'm very sorry madam, but I'm afraid we don't understand you." Only she said it in French. Which I can't spell. So I've typed it in English, which I can spell (mostly). A lady sitting behind them very kindly told the old ladies what my daughter had said, adding for good measure, "I think they're French."

The old bat's face was redder than a very very red thing. My daughter and I then had to stand all the way home, not saying a word, stifling our laughter, until the old buggers got off. At the stop before ours.

We're still chuckling now, some time later.

I am a very proud mummy, let me tell you.
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Wed 6 Aug 2008, 18:18, 20 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

What b3tans have been making this week
Captain V and I just had a baby. She arrived this morning, kicking and screaming. Her name is Rosie and she likes breasts.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 5 Jul 2010, 13:39, 75 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

It's official, Rob thinks the Great QOTW Fail Archive is A Good Thing.
GET IN!
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 30 Oct 2009, 16:25, 193 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Dear QOTW.
I want to talk to you all about a friend of mine, and who is hopefully a friend of yours. He goes on here by the name of Phsyco_Chomp. He brings a hell of a lot to this board, he speaks resonably and is a good laugh.

As far as I'm concerned, he's a top bloke and a top member.

Now, I understand that some people on here can be a bit sensative, have had hard lives and can write their own books on being on the wrong side of the tracks.

Some White Knight in Shinning Binary has complained against him to the mods, and he his voice (and the light in my life (and this board)) has been dimmed to a picture of a crying cat, for the next 3 days.

As such, I will not be posting on /qotw (aside from this thread) for the same time. I've seen the comment he was talking about, and some people seem to be stuck in a cotton ball bubble world.

I'll leave you with this.

EDIT Please don't go the mods about this, they're aware of the situation and if everyone bother's them, then it'll just be a bit shit, they don't need this crap as much as we don't.

EDIT 2 No point cutting my nose to spite my face, I'll still post, just won't be anything of any use.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 23 Nov 2009, 14:08, 138 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Bastard Medical Receptionists
Where do they create these haggard harridans?

Why do we put up with the nonsensical rules put in place by these pseudo-medical harpies who make it their life's work to stop you gaining access to the bollock-squeezer?

I've been told in the past that my week-old daughter with breathing difficulties was 'not an emergency' according to the post-menopausal cat's-arsehole-mouthed velociraptor behind the desk.

This morning the same daughter requires some medical attention - nothing major, just a referral to a specialist, the poxy GP just needs to type about ten words and off-ski.

There is one scab-lifter at this practice who specialises in rugrats, so we ask for him.

Booked solid.

Hang on, retorts I, how can he be booked solid when I called you at 0831 when the phones open at 0830? Ohh, you changed the appointment booking robot line opening hours and you now open at 0800? At what point were you planning to tell anybody? Oh, you weren't.....still never mind, I would be ever so grateful if you could stick junior down for one of your finest appointments for tomorrow, pleasey please.

You "can't" book appointments in advance? Well Heavens to Betsy, what a fine system you have there. Almost as good as the rule that you can't take pushchairs with you.

So I have come up with the formula that Ernst Stavro Bastard must have used in his super secret lair high in the Pyrenees. The same man responsible for the genetic engineering of Kevin the Trainee Sales Rep, Double Glazing Door-Knockers and BT Helpline operators. No offence, like. Program your clones as follows:

1. Female. Mid 40's on. This might be a stereotype, but they are. I briefly worked at a major University practice (yep, if you were at Edinburgh Uni 18 years ago I read your notes and may well have drawn pictures in the margin or recommended you for gender reversal surgery) and it's true.

2. All men are bastards. Except doctors. They are to be worshipped on bended knee.

3. All students are skivers.

4. All medical receptionists have the medical diagnosis skills of Doctor Kildare with a copy of Blacks rammed up his jacksie. Forget NHS Direct, these gargoyles in, well gargoyle form know everything.

5. It is mandatory to let a phone ring for at least a minute before even thinking of answering it. If you are talking to Brenda about her nephew Nokia and his latest ASBO, then your private life has priority. As does tea, Hello magazine, and sharpening your fangs as you await darkness when you can swoop out of the night sky seeking the blood of the innocent.

6. Faxes must be shredded or binned BEFORE reading. Failure to misplace vital medical information on at least a daily basis will result in your expulsion from the union and your hob-nobs will be confiscated.

7. Every department of every hospital is incompetent compared to the GP surgery as it is always the hospital that has lost the results.

8. 'The System' will crash a minimum of six times a day, meaning that no work can be done, calls accepted, or anything apart from blaming the Helpdesk. As nothing exists in reality unless it is on 'The System' you will be left with a waiting room full of mummified former patients, GPs idly experimenting with naughty drugs, or throwing one up a nurse in the store cupboard.

9. Cardigans are mandatory.

10. Personal hygiene is not.





I may continue.





I do not have issues.
(osok Rebel without a clue, Tue 22 Jul 2008, 12:20, 8 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

So Badger's moving out, and I'm quite gutted, she is without a doubt the best person I've lived with since I moved out the family home. However, if you wish to fill her boots, so to speak, then read on. =)
Ladies and Gentleman of the board, I have an offer that can change your life. You see, time has come once again that I have a room for rent. Financial details will be available upon gaz, but there is a chance for you live with Me ! Gonz ! Your friendly neighbourhood web developer from the Beverly Hills of North London. I'm totally going to advertise this all over the show, but I'd rather get a b3tan who I know/semi-know than a stranger off the street who'll rummage through my cherrios taking all the dark coloured ones.

Here's the shcpeal.

- It's in Southgate, North London. About a minute from the tube, I could probably hold my breath or maybe two breaths in the time it takes me to walk to the station. Three at a push.
- Southgate contains:
- • Awesome links into central london, enfiled town and finchley.
- • Massive ASDA, Marks'n'Sparks, Tescos, Subway, The best turkish food available to humanity and lots of other resturants.
- • L.A Fitness, Huge public swimming pool and gym (I think it's olympic sized because it takes me 4 duck-dives to make it across and if I wee in the water in the middle of the pool, it doesn't heat up the edges)
- • An easy bus to Cockfosters, where you can point at a sign going "LOL COCKS", with loads of bespoke shops such as fishmongers and butchers.
- • Loads of pubs and bars. In fact, there is one downstairs, a private members club where you get free access including snooker tables and darts.
- • Easy bus to Enfield town that has a huge cinema and big shopping area and rioting.
- About the room
- • It's a haaaUUUUUge room, I'd say you could fit 4 double beds in there easy.
- • A roof garden (minus plants) that overlooks a police station so you can spy on hot wo/men in uniform. BBQ if the weather is nice.
- About the flat
- • Sky telly, internet, ps3, 360, generally got everything a geek would have.
- • I have friends over for dinner every month or soo where I cook things such as Lobster and Scallops. I cook about 4 times a week and love cooking for people, it's not always edible, but sometimes it's devine.
- • I'm not obsessivly neat'n'tidy, quite the opersite, I'm quite messy, but I'm not dirty or unclean. I am a hell of a lot cleaner now than I was before (for example, all the washing up happens on the day or morning after of eating).
- • Previous superstar flatmates include SuperMatt, Sexface, Neddy, Godzuki and the best one (without a doubt) is TGB.
- • I can make things very financially viable for the right person.
- • 1-3 month trial, if things don't work out, no big deal, you can move on, or I can move on.

So, if you're interested at all, or know someone who is, please do get in contact with me, I'd apprechate it.

One last thing, if you could popular page this, that would be fan-taby-dozy.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 1 Sep 2011, 19:33, 26 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

This Deserves It's Own Thread





Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Wed 5 Nov 2008, 9:14, 9 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

This is likely to be of scant import to most
but as of next weekend I am allowed to take my little girl out on my own.

As a self-styled reveller in this fine language we call 'English (UK)' it gives me great pleasure to state that I can find no words whatsoever to amply convey the elation and great joy I am feeling right now.

Without (hopefully) coming across like an emotional (and tedious) Oscar winner, there are so many people on B3ta who have been so supportive and helpful in their advice during my horrible journey: I cannot possibly thank you all enough. I genuinely couldn't have done it alone.

(Yes, I have been drinking)

(and no, I don't have a question)
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Sun 19 Sep 2010, 19:33, 163 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

NEWS FLASH!
In an announcement today, regular internet forum contributor and self confessed shirter, Monty Boyce (43), today admitted a sneaking love for the works of David Bowie (nee Jones) as long as they were performed by exceedingly loud heavy metaller bands.

In a recent exchange (http://www.b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post667747), Mr Boyce was heard to comment that he would particularly like to hear a speeded up version of Space Oddity, as that was one of his favourites from when he was a child. "I used to sit in an old tin bath and pretend to be an astronaut in a space capsule when it came on the wireless", Mr Boyce told us. "And when the bleepy bit came on at the end, I would touch myself. I didn't know why at the time, but of course I realise now that I was subconsciously trying to get the space laser to work".

Mr Boyce's friends on the internet have vowed to rally round him in support, particularly since his admission that he'd love to hear the works of Keane performed by Hawkwind.

"It's a long road ahead, but we'll get him through it", one member of popular on-line chatroom B-three-ta said. "Either that, or we'll just get him completely off his tits and hope that he forgets all about it. Would you like to hug a kitten?" At this point, your roving reporter made his excuses and left.

Mr Boyce is 52 and still lives with his mother.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 19 Mar 2010, 12:39, 10 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Sometimes, The Gags Just Write Themselves.

I haven't bothered much with QOTW over the last few months - mainly because I was sick to death of ankle-biters hooting "You made that up!! That never happened!!" So I decided not to bother anymore. I mean, whats the point of me slaving over a hot keyboard only to get called a liar half the time?

But I just had to tell you once more story. Happened today.

I was called out to a surgeons office down in Richmond, Melbourne, to fix a few niggly things with his network. When I was finished I was chatting to the doc and I mentioned that I was on the lookout for any spare anatomical models. Joints, bones - that sort of thing. The missus needs them for her study-group as the big consultant exams are looming.

"Yeah" says doc - "I've a couple of things you can have" and he rummaged through a cupboard and handed me a fully articulated femur, tibia and fibula complete with kneecap and all the bones in the feet.

"Oh - and you can have this as well" and chucked over a complete arm and hand skeleton. Again, fully articulated.

So I thanked him, gathered my gear and set off for home with the bits of skeleton tucked under my arm. I hailed a cab and settled in for the ride.

The cabbie was chatty and asked what I did for a living, so I told him computer consultant.

"Good money, is it?" he asked

"Mate" I said "I charge an arm and a leg" and waved my skeleton bits at him.

We almost crashed he was laughing that hard.

I tell you, you can't make this shit up....

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Wed 3 Feb 2010, 8:15, 13 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Apologies for my lateness but I was having a crisis in the REAL WORLD! SHOCK! HORROR!
Driving back from working this morning - had to take son #2 with me as he's got a sore throat and croaky voice and therefore can't irritate his teacher, instead he has to irritate me.
Hmm...

Anyway, also had my parents in the car - dental appointment, blah, blah, blah.

So, my darling eleven year old son blurts out, "Mum, what's a dido? Everyone at school says, You dido!"

Phew, I think, narrowly escaped that one...

"Darling, it's Dido and it's a name - she's a singer and there was also a woman in mythology called Dido married to a man called Aeneas - I'll find the story for you somewhere."

Oh, how middle class!

"No Mum, I got it wrong. What's a DILDO?"



................


My dad had (mercifully) nodded off in the warmth of the car.

My mother had to have the term 'blow job' explained to her some years ago so she sat silent.

I replied, "I don't know"

Well, what would you have said in front of your parents?

I then turned a rather felching fetching shade of scarlet as I attempted to stop laughing.

"You do know! You do! Mum! What's a dildo?!"

"....."

"Mum!"

"....."

"Mum! What's a dildo?!"

"Erm...what would you like for lunch?"

"A dildo please Mum. Dildo, dildo, dildo"



*Chickenlady asplodes*
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Fri 16 Jan 2009, 13:24, 20 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Sandra, the Man Beast and Me
Belated response to last week's Cougars and Sugar Daddies QOTW, denied then due to newbie status.


Back in the heady days of yore when outstanding nights of revelry were fairly central to my core being, it was always my policy (once there was enough of the right stuff lapping about my insides) to actively seek out misadventure, adamant that the pursuit of full-power stupidity during one’s youth and young manhood was actually one of the cornerstones on which rich and satisfying lives were built.

And it was in this frame of mind, at the tail end of an invigorating little binge at a naff local nightspot, I met Sandra. She was one of those leathery-faced old birds you get with fondnesses for leopard print, short bleached hair and Regal cigarettes. She told me I looked like River Phoenix (wrong) with a touch of Ronan Keating (very wrong) and I maintained a diplomatic silence because I thought she looked like Grotbags.

Back at hers (yes, I know, but I had a policy to think of) she shimmied into the living room to fetch a couple of glasses and then immediately came rocketing back out again as though she’d met a lion in there or something. Grabbing me by the arm and hissing something about ex-husbands sleeping on sofas, she instructed me to go upstairs and wait for her in the bedroom at the top.

I found the room, perched on the edge of the bed and waited in the darkness as an argument between Sandra and an angry, booming voice began to emanate from below stairs. It was then I caught sight of the wedding photo on the wall. My bones turned to water as a nameless fear swept over me. The man-beast smiling out of the photograph was about 7ft 6 in height and covered in thick black hair – it was as if Nature had intended to make a gorilla and changed its mind at the last moment. And this thing was downstairs.

I buried head in hands and began quizzing myself out loud about what I had hoped to gain by coming back here – I mean, for what? Her? I am ashamed to admit that in my heightened state of remorse, I subjected Sandra to a pitiless character study that may have resulted in my saying a few off-colour things about her, including the fact she was a hoary old bird that probably took it up the shitter, and worse besides.

But just as I was running through this repertoire of foul abuse, the shouting stopped, a door slammed and I heard noises to support the theory that the man beast had skulked off. Sandra, full of relief and apology, entered the presence and flicked on the light I hadn’t dared to touch. The ordeal was over.

But the sudden impulse to start dancing around the room on my tiptoes while strewing roses from a bedside vase was squelched by the unmistakable look of fear and dread spreading over the ancient relic’s leathery old map. Was she looking at me? She seemed to be looking beyond me.

I turned, and suddenly shot up as though a spike had come through the bed and pierced my fleshy under parts. What I saw made my eyes pop. I reeled. Not one, not two, but three kids had been cowering in Sandra’s bed the whole time I was perched on the end of it in the darkness – listening in petrified silence to everything I had said about their mother.

And yes, after she had shooed them away, I still went through with it. But at dawn, as I was sneaking out of the premises, I was caught in the act by an early-rising four-year-old on the lookout for someone to fix his X-box. After obliging (a reluctant cable needed stuffing back in), I resumed my doorward march, all too aware that the little man was now sticking to me like a shadow. Reaching the exit, I turned and we stared at each other in dumb silence for a time, until finally he said ‘are you coming back?’

It was the single most heart-rending thing I had ever experienced outside of an appeal by the RSPCA and I don’t mind admitting it stirred the deeps in me, jerking my better self to the surface and leading to a complete revision of my stupid policy and immature attitude to life.

Yes, I thought, warming to the topic as I strolled away from this house of horrors, I would rise on the stepping-stones of my old, dead self and become a better, greater, nobler version of me. I would ditch the lad in me. I would become a man.

But then later that night I got drunk on gin and um bongo and smashed a cake shop window.
(Bailey07, Tue 16 Dec 2008, 11:02, 20 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

If you agree with this
www.b3ta.com/questions/bugs_and_feature_requests/post243924

have your say on it, and give it a click
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Sun 14 Sep 2008, 22:04, 22 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

email
just been sent this. made me smile but also gibber gently to myself, thought i'd share it:

London Times obituary
***************************


'Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentional but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant, and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home, and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion, his daughter, Responsibility, his son, Reason. He is survived by his four stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, I'm A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 30 Jul 2008, 15:01, 19 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Yesterday evening, the platform at Stratford was particularly busy because some inconsiderate git had decided to off themselves at Bethnal Green at the peak of rush hour.

So, like the good Brit I am, I was queueing for the train. Over the 12 minutes it took a new train to come in, the space around me was slowly filled my more and more pinstriped suits and braying voices. It was, to say the least, heaving with people.

Now, heaving or not, I had been queueing, dammit, and I was getting on the next train first. The train pulled in, and a fellow with particularly wide pinstripes tried to shove his way in front of me. At this point, I grew massive elbows, and wormed my way on to the train.

Oh, how the people pushed, and oh, how the people shoved. Pin Stripe man, obviously angered about how he had to get on the train after me (can you imagine the indignity?), crushed his way on to the carriage - and, more importantly, started crushing me too. I let out a genuine "oh my god the air is being squeezed from my lungs and I fear I may die" kind of gasp. He questioned me:

"What's your farking problem?"

I replied, with the last air I had in my lungs, and at considerable volume:

"YOU'RE RAPING ME!"

He got off the train. And then, between Stratford and Wanstead, everybody was looking at me funny. So, b3ta, my question is this: when did you last falsely accuse a complete stranger?
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Fri 14 May 2010, 10:21, 132 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

For our colonial friends

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 22:21, 27 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Injustice, denial and blame.
I was pondering this week’s QOTW. A lot of the nice things people have done for each other are relatively small in the grand scheme of it (if you believe in such things). Which made me think. Feeling you haven’t so much beat the system but you have at least poked it in the eye can really make your day – little moments where you feel ever so slightly ahead of the game.

Missing trains fascinates me. If I’m on the train sitting waiting for it to trundle off and a group of commuters miss it, if it’s in a busy station there is a very visible and collective reaction of ‘awfirfucksake’ quickly followed by ‘fine, so it’s a ten minute wait, see if I care’. However a lone traveler at a quiet outlying station missing a train becomes a tragedy of epic proportions. Maybe its because there’s usually a much longer wait for the next train, or maybe if your on your own its suddenly ‘your train’ the only hope. One of my favorite Fast Show skits showed a family desperately battering along in holiday attire dragging bags and cases –nothing was ever explained, no resolution was offered, nor required. As much as I could identify with their plight I was also happy to mock.

Aside from the schadenfreude (oh come on – you could be the nicest person alive but there is a certain smug pleasure in sitting on the very train some sad tardy schmuck has just missed. It’s the same as seeing someone in a suit soaked by a lorry rampaging through a puddle).

I used to commute from a wee rural station in Lanark to Glasgow. I’m always late. Maybe not so much late but I tend to cut it finer and finer until finally the luck runs out. There’s another small pleasure – strolling onto a train just as the doors start beeping. “Fuck yeah I’m cool” Although to be honest it was more often a very undignified dash where only the victory steps were strolled. Adults shouldn’t run. Not unless there are trophies involved. Particularly if you are in any way overweight or out of shape or are carrying a bag. You just look like a tit.

Over time I noticed there are three basic types of missed train melodramas.

1. Injustice: “How could this happen?” (The doors are sealed and its pulling away) “Oh no it can’t be true – all is lost” coupled with a look of tragic bewilderment.

2. Denial: “NO! You utter bastard – you DEFINITELY saw me and deliberately left ahead of schedule.” Minor tantrum ensues on platform. Letters of complaint are drafted.

3. Blame: “Oh well fucking done! You knew what time you had to be here and you fucked it up. Can’t even get on a bloody train on time. Well fucking thank you”.

Which brings me to my point. One day I dashed up the escalators to the low level trains at Argyle Street in Glasgow – its it just me or is it odd you descend one escalator then have to go back up another escalator to get to the platform?

I heard the doors beeping as I got to the top of the stair. There was a throng of Denials and a few Blamers in front of me. The doors had started to close. The Injustice brigade had already started looking to each other for some sense to it all. A few had already begun tying yellow ribbons around the benches.

Not today I thought! I pushed through the fallen and bewildered and grabbed the closing doors. They didn’t stop closing.

Fuck.

Determined, I hopped onto the doorstep and for some reason began to Samson style heave the doors apart. Suddenly I was a superhero tearing open an impregnable vault – steel plate ripping apart like paper. The smug brigade on the train mere inches from my face looked at me through the door windows wryly.

“Daft fucker’s missed his train”

But then a marvelous thing – the doors gave up. Folded, or more so unfolded. As I casually stepped into the newly conquered carriage, the doors snapped shut behind, leaving the bewildered and the damned on the platform – excluded and bereft.

In true Glasgow style a bloke casually turned to me and said:

“So how do you get aff mate – through the roof?”

That day I was (slightly) ahead!
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Sat 4 Oct 2008, 8:13, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OF B3TA!
For your viewing pleasure, beckyjsbx and Madam Marlboro productions present the long await revenge sequel


THE MELANCHOLY TALE OF BERT MONKEYSEX




With special thanks to Kes.
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Thu 7 Aug 2008, 10:00, 22 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

short story in reply
might have slightly broken the 500 word thing, sorry!!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 6 Jul 2008, 15:45, 14 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

I don't care if monday's poo
tuesday's gay and so are you
thursday i'm quite tempted to
spend friday with you're mum
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Sun 21 Jun 2015, 23:49, 20 replies, latest was 10 years ago)

'A GAME OF STONES'. by Lord LycraMatt of I'gh-Tee. Chapter One
Mince Gaydar threw back his rugged head and laughed a gruff, manly laugh, and quaffed a hornful of mead. 'Hahahaharrrgh'. All the other Lordlings really respected him and he was always having sex - REAL LIFE sex with actual women, for free and everything. Mince knew that Laird Wan'qorr, Thring Larpling and the rest of his band of outgoing, popular heroic warriors who were in no way spotty, pathetic IT knobbers by the way ACTUALLY, would carouse deep into the night that night, for their mighty quest was at an end. He stretched out on his wolfskin, and looked around his castle with satisfaction. Yes, his lair, Castle Flatt'shayre, was indeed a mighty domain. He beckoned to a maiden (with MASSIVE TITS) - she meekly obeyed and came to him. They always did....

To be continued....
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 8:20, 176 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

AltAlt:
Yes.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 3 Jul 2013, 12:20, 31 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

EDIT: DUE to a logistical tits up (talk board doesn't accept images) this is an 'off topic board' detour



( Clay hopes this bit is long enough to promote my websi, Mon 12 Sep 2011, 22:23, 88 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

*Runs into the hall, slides down on my knees, throwing my arms in the air shouting "Noooooooooooooooo" *
* Realises he's in the wrong church, sees that the bride is quite fit, realises it doen'st matter *
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sat 11 Dec 2010, 17:28, Reply)

I liked it
So...
( djtrialprice, Fri 12 Nov 2010, 20:35, 135 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

I'M EMPLOYED !
Oh man, I start monday !

//edit//

Thanks everyone =D
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 13:09, 209 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

I Know I've Been Away For A While

But since when did QOTW turn into a trolls paradise?

Leading the charge seems to be the svelte and desirable Amorous Badger. He's set himself up as Judge and Jury on QOTW posts which he adds to his to his QOTW fail archive. He needs to do this. He needs to ridicule and belittle people he's never met to make up for the bastard trick that God's played on him.

'Cos he is a short-arsed weed. 5ft 7 and 8 stone, wringing wet. Poor bastard. No wonder he's bitter. He probably got beaten to shit when he was kid. Something made him this bitter and twisted..

Hiding behind a keyboard gibbering and flinging shit is the only fun he has, poor soul.

Judge not, lest ye be judged....

And I really should stop posting when I'm pissed....

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 15:33, 83 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

HANDS UP IF YOU ARE AN UNCLE FUCKING CRY BABY.

( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 18:56, 6 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

ONE MORE SLEEP TO GO 'TILL TESCO OPENS !!!!!111

Click for more
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 4 Aug 2009, 20:56, 27 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Piss Pants
Thought about making this a QOTW post as it is sort of boredom at work related, but thought that wasn't quite playing the game.

With apologies for length etc, I give you another confessional.

In my days a stripling, while toiling away within the walls of the local C of E, I reckon I served under the banner pretty faithfully, my conduct and bearing being (on the whole) rather becoming of the better self. There was one notable occasion when I let the code slip however, and it remains particularly green in the memory.

It began one afternoon when I took a break from the customary playtime spazaround to take on water at the fountain in the boys’ toilets-cum-changing rooms, and found myself alone in there except for a forgotten pair of sports shorts hanging on a peg. Not a set-up that readily speaks of mischief I grant you, but it was enough to wake the sleeping fiend in me.

Unhooking these shorts, setting them afloat in the flowing urinal and pissing all over them for good measure was with me the work of a moment, and for a few seconds I was lost in a heady fog of my own naughtiness, face-a-glow and eyes-a-sparkle with impish delight. But these intoxicating mists soon cleared and I was left with a nasty feeling that what I’d done was perhaps a bit too French, and that unless prompt steps were taken through the proper channels, I’d be in the soup.

The only sensible thing I could think of was to find a teacher and start lying my head off, so this is exactly what I did, swiftly making a report of an ‘innocent discovery’ of the shorts-and-piss-trough outrage, and colouring the performance with a nice touch of moral indignation and offended sensibility.

The Headmaster took it big, and after narrowing the suspects down to the male half of my class (I forget how exactly), left us not uncertain of his displeasure, insisting through foam-flecked lips that we would stay in every break until someone owned up.

I decided to sit tight, especially as nobody suspected me, a fact that has never ceased to amaze. I mean it’s the old, old story isn’t it – he who smelt it dealt it and all that? But no, it seemed as though I was to be written out of this drama at the end of act one, which was fine with me. It meant the road to safety lay ahead – and if all they had to throw at me was a bit of silent detention – I was already tootling along it.

But nasty news was in the offing. The following day the Headmaster announced that we could forget Friday afternoon football if the culprit failed to come forward and I don’t mind admitting that this bulletin had much the same world-altering effect on me as an unexpected kick in the stomach from a seaside donkey. Believe me when I tell you I know. Things went black and sort of swam before me. Football, you see, was my thing, and I wouldn’t have missed it to please a dying relative. With an awful feeling of being caught in the machinery I now realised that I was the only person who could own up, and that if I didn’t, the ban would rumble on.

I didn’t much fancy revealing myself as the fiend in human shape whose hidden hand had caused all this break time captivity, and naturally recoiled from thoughts of all the askance looks and cold shoulders my fellow inmates would soon be hurling my way, but I had to put this out of mind. Now was the time to gird the loins, remember my fighting ancestors and let the preux chevalier in me prevail. It was time to confess.

It was nothing like I had imagined. No gnashing teeth. No frothing at the mouth. Not even a tapping foot or censorious finger waggle. And in place of the expected ‘shove him into a dungeon with dripping walls and see to it that he is well gnawed by rats’ was just a sotto ‘thank you’, so mild it even gave me the fortitude to ask if l could play football that afternoon (it was Friday by now). He said I could. Clouds parted, birds chirped, the sun shone and I revived like a watered flower, feeling never so strongly that God was in his heaven and all was right with the world.

Although I kept the details dark, I quickly ferried news about the lifting of the ban around the place, so was surprised that afternoon to find both changing room and pitch conspicuously empty of classmates (I wasn’t alone – there were three other classes that took football alongside mine). This left me a little mystified, but I’d had it straight from the Head that we could play, so just shrugged the shoulders and got on with it, scoring (if memory serves) a juicy hat trick into the bargain.

I would later discover that the absentees were still chained up in the classroom, copying out passages from the bible. The Head, wise to my enthusiasm for the beautiful game, didn’t buy a word of my confession and even thought it partially motivated by a desire to make a noble sacrifice in the interests of the greater good; subjecting his prisoners, so I heard, to some lengthy twitterings about how I was made of the right stuff and set a fine example each of them would do well to follow.

They had to pick litter up every break time for a term. I was made captain of the football team.

I think that’s what they call a result.
(Bailey07, Thu 8 Jan 2009, 12:50, 8 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Yay! Here's my story!
At last I'm home. I'm shaking and my hand hurts; it's not badly bitten, but I think the shock is making me feel worse. Mr Carter said he'd take me to the hospital but I didn't want to make a fuss. He looked more shaken that I was - little Max has never so much as growled at anyone before, he said. Bloody dogs. I run my hand under the tap and wash it with antiseptic. If it looks bad in the morning, I'll call in to see the doctor. I stare at my face in the mirror - I look so white, my features appear altered. I go to bed.

The next morning my hand seems OK, so I put a plaster over the bite and head straight to work. All things considered, I feel pretty good, but I get annoyed with the people in the office because the place is so noisy, much worse than normal. And there's a really strange smell in the air that no one else seems aware of. I complain to my boss, but she just looks at me oddly.

Two days later and the smell at work is no better; it's starting to affect me and I feel excitable. People keep asking me if I've done something with my hair - at lunchtime I look at myself in the mirror in the staff-room. I look different, but I can't determine why. I do, however, decide to book another electrolysis appointment with Marianne - it doesn't seem like I had one that long ago, but still! I look terrible.

At the end of the week, my boss calls me into her office and asks me if I'm OK. I assure her I'm fine, but I don't seem to be able to stop sniffing the air and I've developed a strange habit of turning around three times before I sit down. Maybe I've got OCD. She suggests I take a few days off, and I jump at the chance. I mean literally, I jump. I'm off that chair and out the door - I can go and play in the park!

The next morning, I'm alarmed to see that my hair problem has increased. There's a knock at the door and I don't want to answer, but the caller is very insistent. I open the door; it's Mr Carter, and when he sees me, he nods his head and says, 'I thought this might happen.' He turns to Max, who's sitting on the path behind him. 'I hope you're ashamed of yourself,' he says, and I swear Max shrugs. My phone is ringing, so I make my apologies and retreat inside.

It's my mum on the phone - she only lives down the road but she's always too busy to walk up to see me. 'Do you know Mr Carter?' I ask her. 'Oh him, yes,' she replies. 'Sad story really - he had a lovely family, but his son went missing and his wife died not knowing what happened to him. I often see him out with that dog; I don't think he has much else.' I ask her, 'Did they ever find the son?' Mum says she doesn't think so; we chat a bit more, but I decide not to mention my recent developments.

One week on and I can't deny that something very weird is happening to me. Mr Carter called by a couple of times, but I hid behind the curtains and scratched my ears. Next door's cat sends me into a frenzy of excitement and I feel terribly guilty every time I sit on the sofa. I'm sure it's stress-related, and I just need to take a few days resting at home. I tried to ring in sick, but my boss couldn't understand me. And as for my hair problem, who knows? I don't seem to be able to look into the mirror any more - it's like I've shrunk or something.

I feel very strange. I think I'll lie down on my blanket and wait for the feeling to pass.
( thealternativefact, Sat 5 Jul 2008, 16:38, 19 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

The Stephen & Tiddles Adventures (for Pavlov)
Int. Hotel Corridor - North End. Night. Wide Shot.

A MYSTERY MAN in an overcoat, hat pulled down low enough to hide all of his face save his mouth and jaw presses himself to a wall. He seems to be peering behind himself, down the corridor, nervously. As he stands there a single drop of sweat tracks down his cheeks and drops onto his coat unnoticed. At the sound of an electric motor he looks around wildly.

CUT TO:
Int. Hotel Corridor - South End. Night. Two Shot.

We're looking at the scene from the opposite end. Two wheelchairs, one normal sized, the other much smaller, a pair of fluffly ears just poking over the top of the backrest. A ginger tail drags limply behind. Framed between them we see our MYSTERY MAN at the other end of the corridor as he quickly takes off round the corner in panic.

CUT TO:
Int. Hotel Corridor - South End. Night. Close up on STEPHEN HAWKING

STEPHEN starts blinking rapidly.

Stephen(computerised): "Quick Tiddles, the murderer went round that corner!"

CUT TO:
Int. Hotel Corridor - South End. Night. Close up on TIDDLES

TIDDLES' head lolls towards STEPHEN. When it comes to a sudden halt, by hitting his own shoulder, a thin string of drool emerges from the cat's mouth and hangs there. TIDDLES lazily blinks once.

Tiddles(computerised): "Meow."

CUT TO:
Int. Hotel Corridor - South End. Night. Two shot of STEPHEN and TIDDLES

STEPHEN blinks once. With conviction.

Stephen(computerised): "Let's ROCK!"

With a slightly higher pitched hum from the electric motors, both wheelchairs shudder as their tires spin impotently on the carpet for a moment, smoke pouring from them. Moments later they slowly shoot off towards the camera.

CUT TO:
Int. Hotel Corridor - Corner. Night. Wide Shot.
Again we see the two wheelchairs from behind but from this angle, right in front of them is the start of a massive staircase which, as we watch, we see the MYSTERY MAN bound up the final two to disappear from our shot.

Stephen(computerised): Wank!

CUT TO:
Int. Hotel Corridor - Corner. Night. Two Shot - Front of STEPHEN and TIDDLES.

STEPHEN blinks rapidly, his pupils darting around like Neo's hands when he fights in The Matrix (and not at the start where he's all shite but near the end when he's like a god and stuff).

Stephen(computerised): "It's time."

With a little more blinking an audible CLICK is heard. A panel on the armrest of STEPHEN's wheelchair opens and a tiny ball of light slowly rises upwards to head height. As we watch undulating streamers of light spread from the ball. A whooshing noise begins, quiet at first but slowly louder. TIDDLES' fur ruffles and STEPHEN's immaculate hair is blown by an unseen wind towards the ball.

Stephen(computerised - His speaker turned up a bit to hear over whoosh effect): "IT'S WORKING!"

Scraps of paper and dust fly from all angles of the HOTEL CORRIDOR and are sucked in the growing ball of light. As the whooshing noise reaches deafening levels the images of STEPHEN and TIDDLES bend towards the ball.

With a thunderclap crescendo the MIDSHOT flashes brilliant white then instantly CUT TO black as everything is pulled into the supernova.

BLACK/SILENCE. Seconds pass. Just when it seems that everything has been reduced to the size of an atom and destroyed:

TIDDLES(computerised - voice over): "Meow?"

Captions - "The End?"

__________________________________________________________________

EDIT: Hands up who thinks I need to get out more. Anyway, only started this post so I had an excuse to post this; check out the new sig. Sorry if anyone's gazzed me recently and I haven't had time to reply yet. Things are a bit hectic and I've got to go away for a while (I might stick my head round the corner if there's a really excellent question tho, natch). Take care y'all. See you soon. I hope.
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Sat 5 Jul 2008, 10:58, 9 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

First post!
In your face Kaol (or whoever normally gets it)
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 2 Jul 2008, 11:02, 104 replies, latest was 2 weeks ago)

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 18 Sep 2017, 11:17, 6 replies, latest was 7 years ago)

I'm a bit uncomfortable with this mod lurking all the time, ready to instaban on the off chance that shambles pops up with a new account.
I don't mind so much if it's peej, but I wish he'd post a bit as well - he's the best one here y'know.

Anyway, stop it whoever you are, it's boring and we have too few posters as it is.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 14 Aug 2015, 12:31, 67 replies, latest was 9 years ago)

NAKERS IS A BENT SPASTIC

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 14 Jul 2014, 20:37, 2 replies, latest was 11 years ago)

Those moments when you realise someone thinks you're a cunt.
So I have just had a visit from someone who owed me money and he said he would call when he was outside. Not a friend just an acquaintance who buys gear off me occasionally. Well I heard him coming in his badboy car so walked out to meet him as I got to his car my phone started ringing. I tapped on his window and could clearly see on his phone display 'calling TURD'

When have you realised someone thinks you're a cunt?
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 20 Jan 2011, 17:20, 34 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

it is impossible to truly judge the genius of John Williams
until one is awoken on a Sunday morning by the sound of his 'Imperial March' being played by a 4-year old on a kazoo.
( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Sun 21 Mar 2010, 14:24, 5 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

On the twelfth day of Christmas, B3ta gave to me...
12 Psychos Chomping
11 Big Girls Blouses
10 Als a-bullying
9 Flims a-Flamming
8 Vectored panties
7 Honda Acc-ords
6 Tourettes a-swearing
Clen-dix's noooorks...
4 Devil's Tights
3 Gonzes cooking
2 Autisms
And a Vipros in a smug treeeeeeee....
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 14 Dec 2009, 22:21, 23 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Hello. Here's a load of old shit for you. For those who don't know me, I'm old.
I get the piss ripped over on /talk but I don't really mind. Being old has its advantages. I work in the music business and have done for over 35 years. I was there in the 60's and 70's and saw the birth of rock music, and spent my youth enjoying copious quantities of free love and no fear of AIDS.

I grew up in the film industry, my grandfather and uncle worked for Pathe News and I used to go to shoots with them in the hols. I've met The Beatles, been inside Lennon's house, I was at the launch of the first Moog synthesizer, played in some good bands and still do. I also met loads of film stars, rock stars and even had breakfast with Jimi Hendrix at the Isle of Whight festival. I have a helicopter pilots licence and have started flying again after a brief period and I'm engaged to a model.

I now work from home running a recording studio and am on the committee of a growing rock festival which is held in the same village where I live. I work with a friend who does HD video recording to broadcast standard and we run a mobile tv/audio studio and we have some nice jobs come in for next year at a few top festivals.

I get as much good sex as I want and I drive a fast car. Work is steady despite the recession and I'm landscaping my huge garden with ponds, waterfalls and rare trees and there is enough room to put up a big marquee in November for a fucking b3ta bash.

I also started doing the odd spot of stand up comedy a few years back and have begun doing a few clubs and venues around this region. My set has been described as extremely rude, downright disgusting, in incredible bad taste but funny. That's just fine by me. I mean, I can't knock it, it is pretty strong.

I'm in good health and go running every day. I don't drink alcohol or smoke fags and have finished several marathons and loads of half marathons in the past. I'm training for a channel swim in June/July next year and am aiming to smash the record for someone over 50.

I occasionally work at a lap dance bar which is owned by a friend's brother as a floor security guard. I also have to escort the girls in and out of the changing rooms and if it's busy I help behind the bar with two topless girls.

My house is situated, unusually on a hill in the Cambridgeshire Fens right next to woods and a nature reserve and the farmer's field opposite has huge markets and boot sales in the Summer but only every few weeks. I have my own private road and have just extended the car park to hold another 6 cars.

By now you lot must be pissing yourselves as it looks like some of the unhealthily huge vats of bullshit that appear here.
Old? Fuck off.
( Captn Hood-Butter is not dead yet., Sun 18 Oct 2009, 16:13, 40 replies, latest was 3 years ago)

Jumper - an OT post by DiT, aged 28 and three quarters.
Sometimes it seems that I could fill a book with all of the downright idiotic things that I experience on the Tube. If it wasn’t bad enough that I have to spend an hour and a half of each day pressed in to intimate contact with London’s Dark Underbelly, I must also witness the kind of relentless twattery that would make Darwin himself slap the Health and Safety Inspectorate with ‘Origin of the Species’ and yell “Survial of the fittest! Survial! Of! The! Fittest!”

I guess what I’m trying to say is that the London Transport network is a shining example of why natural selection should be positively encouraged when it comes to some elements of the Human Race. But the real bastards, the ones who actually make my blood boil, are the Jumpers. This particular genus of the human species is identified thusly:

1) He (it is most certainly a he) has a ridiculous, floppy haircut, and his name is Rufus Smythe Smythe Smythe Smythe Ponsunbury Featherstone Green.
2) Even though he is has a cut glass English accent, he will claim, at every given opportunity, to be Scottish, giving him the unenviable achievement of being hated by both the Scots and the English all at the same time.
3) He works in ‘The Cidee’. Not London, not even the City.
4) He is an employee of one of the big four banks.
5) He wears a pin stripe suit, and a red power tie. He very likely supports UKIP, but actually votes Conservative because Daddy has for the last 50 years.

But I should come to my point. The Jumper will, when hearing the warning beeps of a Tube door about to close, leap with all of the grace and poise of a Salmon through the snapping jaws of the bear that are the Tube doors. He will push and shove and hold the doors open until he emerges victorious from this most primal of battles. In doing so, he will save himself one minute, and cause yet another group of people to hate him.

But this very morning, my friends, I saw something that made my heart soar. I was descending the steps towards the Northern Line at Bank station when I heard, in the distance, the beeping that signalled I had missed a train. Suddenly, from behind me, a Jumper sprang forth, his floppy hair resplendent in the Tube wind.

“You’ll never make it.” I thought, and watched as he sped away.

As I emerged on to the platform, a wondrous sight beheld my eyes. The Jumper had made it as far as the last door of the train, yet his angle of approach must have been off, as he had not made the leap. Instead, he had thrust forward his laptop bag at the exact moment the doors closed – and it had stuck. He was pulling and straining, yanking and swearing, and yet still the bag would not come free. For some reason, the doors would not open again, and still he heaved. He actually put one foot against the train and gave an almighty wrench, which was accompanied by a terrible ripping noise. A forest of paperwork tumbled from the bag, spilling down the side of the train and on the the tracks below. The driver, with a suitable sense of timing and how these things should be done, opened the doors. Rufus, or whatever his name was, stared dejectedly as the doors closed again, and took a step backwards as the train whipped up wind, paperwork and his hair, and I swear I saw tears forming in the corners of his perfectly moisturised face.

It’s not often you see justice done so comprehensively. What was the last thing you saw that made you think that justice had been fully and righteously served?

Oh, and check out my sig...
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 11:45, 8 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

An Open Letter To JMG

You swine. You vulgar little maggot. You worthless bag of filth. I'll bet
you couldn't pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel. You are a canker. A sore that won't go away. I would rather kiss a lawyer than be seen with you.

You're a putrescent mass, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little worm deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk,
a cad, a weasel. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench, a revulsion, a big suck on a sour lemon.

You are a bleating foal, a curdled staggering mutant dwarf smeared richly with the effluvia and offal accompanying your alleged birth into this world. An insensate, blinking calf,meaningful to nobody, abandoned by the puke-drooling, giggling beasts who sired you and then killed themselves in recognition of what they had done.

I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as you. You are a monster, an ogre, a malformity. I puke at the very thought of you. You have all the appeal of a paper cut. Lepers avoid you. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, a fungus, the dregs of this earth. And did I mention you smell?

Try to edit your responses of unnecessary material before attempting to impress us with your insight. The evidence that you are a nincompoop will still be available to readers, but they will be able to access it more rapidly.

You snail-skulled little rabbit. Would that a hawk pick you up, drive its beak into your brain, and upon finding it rancid set you loose to fly briefly before spattering the ocean rocks with the frothy pink shame of your ignoble blood. May you choke on the queasy, convulsing nausea of your own trite, foolish beliefs.

You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. You are grimy, squalid, nasty and profane. You are foul and disgusting. You're a fool, an ignoramus. Monkeys look down on you. Even sheep won't have sex with you. You are unreservedly pathetic, starved for attention, and lost in a land that reality forgot.

And what meaning do you expect your delusion ally self-important statements of unknowing, inexperienced opinion to have with us? What fantasy do you hold that you would believe that your tiny-fisted tantrums would
have more weight than that of a leprous desert rat, spinning rabidly in a circle, waiting for the bite of the snake?

You are a waste of flesh. You have no rhythm. You are ridiculous and obnoxious. You are the moral equivalent of a leech. You are a living
emptiness, a meaningless void. You are sour and senile. You are a disease, you puerile one-handed slack-jawed drooling meatslapper.

On a good day you're a half-wit. You remind me of drool. You are deficient in all that lends character. You have the personality of wallpaper. You are dank and filthy. You are asinine and benighted. You are the source of all unpleasantness. You spread misery and sorrow wherever you go.

You smarmy lagerlout git. You bloody woofter sod. Bugger off, pillock. You grotty wanking oik artless base-court apple-john. You clouted boggish foot-licking twit. You dankish clack-dish plonker. You gormless crook-pated tosser. You churlish boil-brained clotpole ponce. You cockered bum-bailey poofter. You craven dewberry pisshead cockup pratting naff. You gob-kissing gleeking flap-mouthed coxcomb.
You dread-bolted fobbing beef-witted flapper-clawed flirt-gill.

You are a fiend and a coward, and you have bad breath. You are degenerate, noxious and depraved. I feel debased just for knowing you exist. I despise everything about you, and I wish you would go away.

I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. I mean rock-hard stupid. Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. Stupid so stupid that it goes way beyond the stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid. You are
trans-stupid stupid. Meta-stupid. Stupid collapsed on itself so far that even the neutrons have collapsed. Stupid gotten so dense that no intellect can escape. Singularity stupid. Blazing hot mid-day sun on Mercury stupid. You emit more stupid in one second than our entire galaxy emits in a year. Quasar stupid. Your writing has to be a troll. Nothing in our universe can really be this stupid. Perhaps this is some primordial fragment from the original big bang of stupid.
Some pure essence of a stupid so uncontaminated by anything else as to be beyond the laws of physics that we know. I'm sorry. I can't go on.

This is an epiphany of stupid for me. After this, you may not hear from me again for a while. I don't have enough strength left to deride your ignorant questions and half baked comments about unimportant trivia, or any of the rest of this drivel. Duh.

The only thing worse than your logic is your manners. I have snipped away most of your of what you wrote, because, well... it didn't really say anything. Your attempt at constructing a creative flame was pitiful.
I mean, really, stringing together a bunch of insults among a load of babbling was hardly effective... Maybe later in life, after you have learned to read, write, spell, and count, you will have more success.

True, these are rudimentary skills that many of us "normal" people take for granted that everyone has an easy time of mastering. But we sometimes forget that there are "challenged" persons in this world who find these things more difficult. If I had known, that this was your case then I would have never read your post. It just wouldn't have been "right". Sort of like parking in a handicap space.I wish you the best of luck in the emotional, and social struggles that seem to be placing such a demand on you.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 5:00, 127 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

fri night
i was really excited about the counting crows concert. met my friend evie at westminster, all glammed up in our "rock chick" look - tight black jeans, lashings of black eyeliner and very high heeled black boots.

i had the tickets in my bag. show started at 7pm. we arrived at the 02 at about 6.55, feet already hurting in the stupid spiky stiletto boots. evie's tight jeans were already giving her what she attractively described to the entire tube station as "nappy rash".

the security guard looked at the ticket. then he looked at me. i looked at him. he looked as if he were trying not to piss himself. so i looked at the ticket. then it hit me straight between the heavily mascara'd eyes... the ticket clearly said WEMBLEY. all over it. in huge black capital letters. those fricking tickets had been pinned on the noticeboard in front of my face since september. evie thought i was a total fucktard. i think she may be right.

for anyone who might not know london, if the 02 is twenty past, wembley is ten to. they couldn't be much further apart. we had to "run" back to the tube and travel all the way over to wembley. in jeans that didn't want to let us sit down and shoes that were insisting we did, sparkly black makeup streaked everywhere with rain and sweat.

finally we got off at wembley at about 8.15pm. shit, shit, were we missing it? we ran limpingly down to the stadium. nobody there, but the concert was at the arena, after all. turned right. staggered over to the arena.

hmmmmmmm. looks a bit quiet, doesn't it?

bastards had only gone and cancelled it, rescheduled for MAY 2009. i bought our tickets on ebay, so it seems that the seller didn't feel this was information that needed to be passed onto me. i would really really like to cunt him in the feck.

i bet i win the "shit night" award for 2008, any other contenders?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 8 Dec 2008, 16:03, 17 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Saw This
Thought of you lot.


( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Mon 1 Dec 2008, 22:21, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Hey! It's my b3ta birthday!
I'm not certain what should be done in an occasion like this, so I'll tell you the story of how you've affected my life.

I love reading. Since I learnt how to do it, I've read whatever was close enough to my eyes. When I was a kid I rather go for a book than to the playground. My father would punish me without reading. I've read all kind of books, from very good ones to real crap; and it doesn't matter how bad the book is: I must finish it.

As you can probably imagine, until a couple of years ago all my reading was in Spanish (I'm crap with languages - sorry if there are a grammar/spelling mistakes). When I read a book from a non-Spanish writer I was never certain if the way it was written depended more on the writer or the translator. It became more difficult to tell when I discovered Science Fiction. You see, I love Asimov stories, he's great, but the way the story was written was appalling; was it Asimov's fault or a poor translation. The same happened with Philip K. Dick. "Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?" is one of the best Sci-Fi stories ever, but the telling was so poor...

Well, the years passed and I moved to England, and when my English had started to improve I thought it would be a good time to start reading in English. First, easy things (Harry Potter, I had read it in Spanish too, I was in the 4th book and it takes 6 months to get it translated from English). Then I got better and tried more difficult things. I've read the Ring World; Stranger in a Strange Land; Century Rain... I wouldn't say it was easy, but I could understand. I needed the dictionary a lot at the beginning, but now I almost don't use it.

Then, a year ago, I tried A Scanner Darkly. I had to give up. I couldn't understand a single word. Well, no, I understood them, but they didn't make sense in the context. I tried very hard, but no way.

A few months ago a friend came home and saw the book. He asked for it and I lent it saying "it's crap; it's written so badly it doesn't make any sense"

A couple of months after that, he gave it back saying: "This is a very good book. OK, it's K. Dick poor writing, but it's fantastic"

So I tried again. And, to my surprise, I understood it. Maybe a few words were still difficult, but they made sense. And yes, the story is great.

That got me thinking: why I couldn't understand it before and now I can? What has happened during this year?

The answer: B3ta.

Thanks to you I know that a chick or a bird means girl too. Junk is drug. Skint is without money... so many words I knew the "Oxford" meaning, but not the "street" meaning.

So, this is for you B3tans:

THANKS FOR TEACHING ME PROPER ENGLISH!!!
XXX
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Wed 5 Nov 2008, 9:49, 16 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Caption Thingy


Spent waaaay too long making this site but it's nearly done. The technical bits work (at least in Firefox. IE shits a brick trying to handle png files).

Basically, it's a caption site where you can load your own images and add speech bubbles to them. Should be ready for people to play with in about 24 hours or so. Have to add some CSS to make it look presentable, fix the IE bugs with PNGs, add more types of speech and thought bubbles and add a gallery.

I also need to add in the Flickr API so people can save their images to Flickr.


But here's one I made earlier..

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Sun 21 Sep 2008, 7:32, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

So when are they getting rid of this place?
I heard it was soon.
( mike woz ere 7442200 & 7696970 getter, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 23:03, 18 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

“Hawk’s” the name, “Mo Hawk”

Following an accident with a Remington beard trimmer, the experience having been so good but lacking the requisite liquidity to buy the company, I contented myself merely to shave my hair off.

Ze German (baz’s special ladyfriend) had been charged with a task she had successfully completed once before, namely shaving my hair to a sensible, presentable but above all, low maintenance length.

All was going swimmingly until the shaver appeared to stick. It dragged at my hair and caused some discomfort. Ze German thought the blade had gone blunt. I doubted this and taking it from her, took it apart and advised her to go clean the detachable parts.

Off she toddled with the two disconnected parts; the plastic attachment for keeping a wee bit of hair on my head and the cutting blade which attaches to the spinning doo-hickey in the main shaft which makes the cutting happen (a technically sound explanation if ever there was one).

I, meanwhile, applied my technical know-how to blowing bits of hair out of the main shaft of the device with short, sharp blows.

All appeared in order once Ze German returned and I put the parts back together again. Only that’s not quite what happened.

Ze German set about her task with her customary ruthless efficiency and painlessly gouged a 2-inch wide, 7-inch long furrow into the hair above my left temple. Ze German screamed, stood back and placed her hand over her mouth.

“What? What’s the matter?”, I said. “What are you screaming at, you loon?”

“Oh bazmorningstar”, she said. “You didn’t attach the plastic yoke.”

I had been sitting shirtless in the garden on a plastic chair on a day which rained intermittently in torrents twixt periods of glorious sunshine. It was a typical Irish summers day and in my haste to get the job over and done with, lest another shower should scupper the enterprise, I handed her the shaft with the blade attached but not the plastic attachment for leaving a bit of hair on my head.

Seeing my reflection only in the kitchen window, I laughed. I could only laugh. It wasn’t her fault. Her Teutonic fastidiousness has been somewhat decreased after eight years of living in tweedly-deedly-another-pint-of-Guinness-please-landlord land and she genuinely failed to see the missing part.

It was my fault for hurrying her and for not paying attention to the parts in my hand. The part was still in my hand. I immediately accepted my fate.

One of two coupes-de-cheveux presented themselves; The Dalai Lama or the Balding Punk. I had spent years in my twenties sporting the Hare Krishna look, convinced as I was that I was balding significantly ( I wasn’t – it grew back thicker after having been shaved weekly for about two years), so I decided the Playboy stripe was the way to go.

“Sweetie”, I said. “There is nothing for it only to persevere.”

Chuckling, she set about her task of shearing me like a soon-to-butchered-sheep entered as a last minute reprieve into a ghastly ovine ‘Crufts’.

So, “Mohawk?” you say. “Doesn’t it lend you an air of menace?”

“Don’t old ladies and children avoid you in the street?”

“Aren’t your colleagues shocked and appalled at your unprofessional appearance?”

“Has John Q. Law given you a knowing glance?”

“Shopkeepers coming round the counter to keep an eye on you?”

“Bouncers giving you the heave-ho without even an explanatory word?”

Not a bit of it. I’m Irish. I look Irish; all pale skin, rosy cheeks and freckles galore.

On top of it, I wear glasses, the blue-tinted half-framed rectangular type. I have a double chin, a pot belly and short, squat legs.

In short, I look like a mental patient on day release.

Rafter
baz
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Mon 7 Jul 2008, 13:57, 6 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Since we seem to be in an erotica phase at the moment
here's a bit for you.

Maybe.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Sun 6 Jul 2008, 13:00, 3 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Pushed Too Far
Well, I'm working on the previous story I posted, trying to make it longer, so I thought I'd post another short story for the semi-competition.

Now, this was the product of a twelve hour shift, far too much caffiene and not enough sleep. It just kind of poured out - I have no idea where it came from.

Well, here it is:

***********************************************

"That's it, they've went too far. Far too far. They're going to have to pay, Amadeus. Fire me will, they? I'll show them..."

"Meow?"

"What's that? Why did they fire me?"

"Meow?"

"Well, my feline friend, they said I was freaking people out! Me! Freaking people out? Laughable. They're pushed me too far, Amadeus."

"Meow"

"I knew you would understand, Amadeus. You always know what I'm thinking. It's like we have...a mental connection. Yeah, we have a mental connection. I wonder why I never noticed it before. Hey, Amadeus, what am I thinking just now?"

"Meow?"

"Yes, I was thinking of a steamboat! That's amazing! Okay, let's see if it works both ways...I sense you're thinking...of how a TV show wouldn't have blind viewers? Only blind listeners?"

"Meow"

"That's amazing! We can hear each other's thoughts! But I'm afraid I can't be distracted, Amadeus. I'm on a mission."

"Mreoew?"

"It's my old boss, Mister Peterson. The one who fired me. I went into town and bought some...provisions. I've got something here, in this brown paper bag, that Mister Peterson is dying to meet. He's going to get it, Amadeus, and it ain't gonna be pretty.

"Meow"

"I knew you'd say that Amadeus, and in many ways, you're right. But I need to do this, I can't let him get away with it."

"Mrour"

"I will. And Amadeus, if I...don't come back...I want you to feel free to see other people."

"Meow"

"Goodbye Amadeus"

...

SLAM

...

CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH

...

SLAM

...

BRRRRRRMM, VRRRRRRRRRRRMMMM

...

"Well, seeing as Amadeus is back in the house, I guess I should talk to you, my invisible friend. I never caught your name, by the way."

...

"Really? Jake? You don't look like a Jake...anyway Jake, the reason we're driving this fast is because I have to catch my old boss as he's leaving the office, take him by surprise. Heh, he won't know what hit him."

...

"Well, I don't need to watch the road, Jake, you can do it for me. Just yell if I'm about to hit something. So, anyways..."

THUMP

"What the hell? Jake! I told you to yell if you saw anything! Now I just hit that old lady back there, and it's all your fault. WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY ANYTHING?"

...

"I'm sorry, I'm not mad at you, I guess I should've been just watching the road. But you could've at least warned me! Jeeze..."

...

"Hey, Jake, you ever notice how most people spend most of their lives doing things they don't care about? How most people hated their jobs?"

...

"Well, I think that's crazy. Those people are crazy, Jake. Not like me and you. I loved my job, and I bet you do too. Hey, what do you do for a living?"

...

"Yeah? You sing to fish? I hear there's some good career prospects in the whole fish-singing business. You've good your head screwed on tight, Jake. Good man."

...

"What, my job? I loved it, Jake, I loved it. I loved getting dressed up, putting on the baggy pants, the red nose, the facepaint. Entertaining the kids. Juggling, magic, balloon animals - I was the best, Jake. The best! And they fired me. Well, HE fired me. Mister Peterson. The man I'm going to see. And, boy, do I have a surprise for him."

...

"He thinks he's invincible. He thinks no-one can touch him. Well, he's wrong. Dead wrong."

...

"I can't make any promises, Jake. It might...get ugly"

"Wait a minute, there he is! Shit, he's leaving the office. Here goes..."

SCREEEEEEEEEECH

SLAM

CRUNCHCRUNCHCRUNCH

"What the hell...?"

"Thought you could fire me, eh, Mister Peterson?"

"Colin? What are you doing? And what's that in your hand?"

"I'm gonna show you, Mister Peterson, I'm gonna show everybody!"

"What are you talking about? Hey, don't point that thing at me! Colin, I'm warning you..."

"This is it, Mister Peterson. This is where you pay!"

PSSSSSFFFFFFFTTTTT

"What the hell? Silly string? Are you mad?"

"And have some of this..."

SPLAT

"A custard pie? You've ruined my new suit! You lunatic!"

"Hah, and what are you gonna do about it?"

"I'm gonna kick your ass, you little punk!"

"Jake! Run!"

CRUNCHCRUNCHCRUNCHCRUNCHCRUNCHCRUNCHCRUNCH

"Keep up Jake!"

CRUNCHCRUNCHCRUNCHCRUNCH

PANT PANT

...

"Whew, I think we lost him!"

...

"That was close, Jake! Lucky you were there - I could never have managed that on my own. C'mon, let's go home. Amadeus will have the dinner on..."

***********************************************

How is this a scary story, you may ask? Well, it allows you a view into what exactly my mind was thinking at the time. And that's a scary thought indeed.

I haven't counted the words - I'm far too tired, and I've got another twelve hour shift to look forward to tomorrow, so I'm off to bed.

EDIT Changed the ending

Feel free to leave any constructive criticism in the replies.
(Pavlov's Frog figures no-one really reads sigs anyway, Sun 6 Jul 2008, 0:44, 4 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

And more spoooooky fiction
Story in reply.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 4 Jul 2008, 17:53, 8 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Tales of the unexplained - in 500 words
I don’t understand, I really don’t understand. How the hell did it happen? When? Why? What did I do?

Oh don’t give me that “It’s not you, it’s me” shit - who the hell was it then? There was only you and me, and if it was you, why the hell couldn’t you talk to me about it?

What do you mean you mean I never listen? I don’t understand.

Of course I noticed there was something wrong. I’m not fucking blind am I? I know you’ve been a bit down lately, OK very down for a while, OK for quite a while, but I thought it was just life, you know? Money, the kids, your job. My job.

Well no, now you fucking mention it, I’ve not been happy for ages if you must know.

Why didn’t I mention it? Well what exactly would you have done?

Oh right, so now you want to talk do you. Well forget about me for a minute, try talking about you. Who is he?

Oh you have got to be joking! You’re not serious? Well, fuck me. You’re a joke, a fucking sick joke. I don’t want to talk to you any more. Just go and pack your stuff and get the hell out of my house.

Oh yes you are. I’m not having you here for another night; I can’t bear to look at you.

Oh no. The kids are staying here. I’m not having you upsetting them any more than necessary. If you want to do this, then fuck right off and go to him, he’s welcome to you.

No, I won’t be quiet. I’ve been quiet too long, you can shut up.

I’m going to get a drink. I want you to go upstairs and pack your things right this minute and if you wake the kids then I’ll tell them exactly what’s happening and why: their Mum’s fucking off with some tosser from work because she’s an old slapper that doesn’t give a shit about them or what happens to them from now on as long as she gets a good shagging once in a while.

That’s right. Off you go.

---------------------

The bitch! I just can’t believe it. I don’t understand. I thought things were getting better, she seemed more cheerful - now I know why, the bitch! “No, I’m too tired tonight” too tired my fucking arse. I can’t believe I’ve been so thick, but then I’ve been so frigging busy.

I do not need this right now. I could really fucking do without this right now. The cow!

I was going to get in early tomorrow - 7.30 start, really get on top of the material before the presentation…now what the fuck am I going to do? If I call Mum first thing maybe she could come over, no, better still, I’ll get them up early and drive them over to her’s.

Fuck, where’s that new bottle.

If she’d only explain, maybe I could understand.

------------------------------------

Have a good weekend folks, and please leave your comments under the mat. I'll pick them up on Monday.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Fri 4 Jul 2008, 15:47, 3 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Late entry for the "accidental innuendo"...
I needed cat litter, among other groceries. So I wrote an abbreviated shopping list on the back of my hand.

Thus is was that I wandered around sporting the word "c.lit". And it took me ages to locate, too.

Oh, well.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 3 Jul 2008, 9:42, 14 replies, latest was 4 months ago)

Malcolm Ecstasy is a camel knobber
/ac
( mr horrible up yours, dickface, Fri 4 Mar 2022, 23:22, 1 reply, 3 years ago)

no m8

(escomoney, Mon 27 Feb 2017, 11:03, 1 reply, 8 years ago)

s2.b3ta.com/host/creative/84237/1470489036/smadgoi.gif
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Sat 6 Aug 2016, 14:10, 1 reply, 8 years ago)

Oh Cranley,
Well, you drank and you gave us porn, you see
But you got modded away, oh Cranley
Well, you sobered up and started lurking, oh Cranley
You couldn't stay away, oh Cranley
Why stay if it only makes you angry
Oh Cranley

Also Nakers is a bent spastic.
( Kroney, Fri 3 Oct 2014, 16:11, 62 replies, latest was 10 years ago)

Today’s upset forecast:

A warm front of upset is sweeping in from the Baggenfock sea bringing heavy downpours of bloo-bloo and a consistent and irritating wind on which can be heard the cries of children. This will continue all day and into the weekend, so grab those upset umbrellas.

In the South East there were dramatic scenes last night as an upset tornado touched down in Kilburn bringing with it scatological gay porn, Patron, wanking and domestic violence. Headhunters are currently on the scene assessing the damage, early reports suggest that they doubt any employment will be forthcoming. Conditions will remain unsettled as another upset depression sweeps in from the continent ruining any £100k weddings planned for the weekend
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 3 Oct 2014, 10:44, 80 replies, latest was 10 years ago)

someone, somewhere is a weirdo wifebeater.

(Mr Udagawa, Thu 2 Oct 2014, 19:03, 4 replies, latest was 10 years ago)

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha


yeah
(Sebastian Dried-on excreta bull goose loony, silverback shitposting alpha, Thu 9 Jan 2014, 15:12, 48 replies, latest was 11 years ago)

yeah hahahahahaha


hahahahahahahaaahahahahahahahahaha ha

yeah
(Sebastian Dried-on excreta bull goose loony, silverback shitposting alpha, Sat 4 Jan 2014, 17:18, 4 replies, latest was 11 years ago)

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha


yeah
(Sebastian Dried-on excreta bull goose loony, silverback shitposting alpha, Fri 20 Dec 2013, 9:43, 1 reply, 11 years ago)

Girth Ironblade cast a grizzled eye over the castle parapet, and looked out across the Forest of V’irgynns.
His weather-beaten, tough face told of hard years fighting mighty battles with fire-breathing dragons, and squiring buxom wenches ALL THE TIME. Not made-up ones, REAL ONES. The suggestion that he was, in fact, a speccy dickhead with Asperger’s was laughable. Laughable. As he leant on his oaken spear, his cloak billowed around him in an epic, really cool way. He oozed dignity from every pore and no one ever mocked him or bullied him ever. No way. He was shaken from his reverie by an elven beauty with MASSIVE JUGS. ‘Take me, my lord’, she pleaded….

‘MATT? MATT! WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE? YOUR TEA’S READY!’
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 10:00, 110 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

New QOTW vote

Fat wives
Got a chubster? Does she cost you a fortune in pies, pasta and doughnuts? Tell all.


Dating sites in Australia
Got any action from setting up a profile? Did you get to see your wife spit roasted while you sat in the corner clutching your small limp penis?


Toys in intimate places
Ever shoved a piece of Lego up a skanky girl’s vagina? We want to know.


Ignore 2.0
What’s the fucking point? Note; responses to this question will be ignored.


New QOTW vote









Vote closes later today

Probably when this post gets deleted by a real mod and I get put on the naughty step.


(Legless is a prick., Thu 3 Jan 2013, 8:18, 203 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Rob fingers kids
discuss
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 17 Oct 2012, 11:52, 27 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

My daughter called me a 'bummer' yesterday morning.
I asked her to repeat it in case I'd misheard but no, 'you're a bummer, Daddy' was what she said.

What was the low point of your weekend?

Alt: What was the high point of your weekend?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 8:27, 269 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

Guys let's rap about historical figures. It'll be mad tight.


Back up Socrates, Plato's in the place
Out-thinkin' motha fuckers with intelligent grace.
Aristotle & Alexander ain't got shit on me
I'm basicly the founder of Western philosphy

Athens, Greece where I held my own
Chillin' out maxin' and smoking home grown
In my spare time I fucking founded academies
Your bullets can't scar me man, no nigger's as bas as me

Travelled all over, makin' my name
Don't fuckin' step to me cus I got game
I've been to Sicily, Egypt, Cyrene and Italy
Been dead two thousand years and nobody's as ill as me

Wrote 2 many fuckin' works 2 even mention
But listen up bicthes let me grab your attention
My most famous motha-fucker I dubbed 'The Republic'
You ain't heard of that you can suck my fucking dick.

Many came after but lacked the insight
So listen up bitches, my rhymes be too tight
Aristotle mother-fucker's got a long way to go
Cus there ain't no bitches better than a fucking Plato.

Yeeeeeahhhhhhhh

Out.
( mike woz ere 7442200 & 7696970 getter, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 16:06, 72 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

FUCK YEAH !
Some of you know about some stuff I've been moaning about since mid dec with a treatment that I've been waiting funding for.... Well, 10 minutes ago I got, and on tuesday I'll get the double-dose of stuff that should hopefully fix me for 2 months, AND THEN, in two month's time, I'll get it again.... and if that does fix me, then we have a case to get it permantly. But even if not, I should have a good 4 months of being well. OH BOY. YAY FOR BEING FIXED
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 5 Aug 2011, 17:14, 53 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

I'm thinking about posting a link on facebook about why vaccines are safe
with the accompanying message

Worried about vaccinating your children? Your concern may be a sign that you are a shit parent and should have your children taken away before you enrol them in a sex cult, you retarded fucking bastards.

Too harsh, or about right?
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 22 Jul 2011, 0:03, 14 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

There's over a hundred replies in that one, so it's NEW THREAD TIME.
Following The Light in Chains' shocking public revelations in this week's Love It! magazine, what's the wrongest relationship you've been involved in?

Alt: Which other b3tans have you encountered a fat version of?
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Mon 28 Mar 2011, 11:43, 109 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

FUCK YEAH, DEEP FAT FRYER.
Totally got a deep fat fryer for b'day/x-mass. I'm going to do _soo_ much expermenting over the month, including....

- The Everlasting Desert - Ball of creme cheese, battered, deep fried, covered in nutella, battered, deep fried, covered in peanut butter, battered and deep fried, covered in....etc etc etc until I get a ball of golden crspy fried goodness.
- Battered'n'deep-fried confectionary bars, oh yes.
- Booblas A jewish dish, can be savory or sweet, they're a pancake made using motza meal that can be sweet or savory.
- Tempora & Katsu, battered and deep fried veg/meat.
- Aromantic Duck, oh yeah' baby.
- Crisps and nachos, oh man.

oh man, such delights, naturally it would have to be a treat rather than regular or my size shall double, but I can finally easerly have _real_ chips. It will replace something I do weeklyish; get a fattening take away, rather than suppliment it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A collective project.
There are quite a few people who blog on here, about all sorts of different things. Politics, Food, Video Games, general life stuff, technology... all sorts of stuff.

I was wondering if anyone would like to do a big shared blog? I'll set the whole thing up on WordPress, anyone who's involved will be able to write what they want, some people might even write conflicting things which might be interesting.

Gaz me up if you're interested, you can post once in a blue moon or every day, whatever you fancy really. Can you please Popular Page this in case someone is interested who isn't around at the moment.

What do you reckon?
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sat 29 Jan 2011, 14:46, 8 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

DERRICK BIRD TRIBUTE THREAD.
Birdy, you will be missed :¬(

MSPaint tributes only please.


( mike woz ere 7442200 & 7696970 getter, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 14:23, 16 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

I'm not sure when this may have happened
and I hate to say it has amused the hell out of me, but someone has got into my b3tards account and replaced one of the pics that was in my profile with an enormous picture of a croissant...
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 13 May 2010, 17:39, 23 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Wedding bash postponed
Looks like we'll be postponing the CHCB-Captain V wedding as I have the small matter of giving birth in July to attend to, all being well.

Er, surprise!
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 5 Jan 2010, 12:32, 76 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

It's a copy'n'paste from /Talk because I love you both equaly
Ooooo Gonz, you CAD.
This month I was short on cash, so I thought "Fuck it, i'll cancel LA Fitness subscription". This month they've sent me really abrupt text messages, and today I phoned them up, and they told me that if I don't pay them today, it's going to a debt collection agency, so I paid them. I then told them that I want to cancil, and she got all shitty with me, didn't try to sweet talk me. "Just so you know, I'm recording this, and will make it public record*"

However, I've just rembered, I have a whole month and 12 day passes, so I'm going to give them to George, my local big issue man, so he can rest his over-worked feet in their new "WOW £419,000 REFIT", and I'm going to keep it in my pocket and give the tickets to all the lovely homeless people I come across every few days, so they can relax in a jacouzi/steam-room/swimming pool.


* At the time, I was thinking of fuckin up shitcunts social network stuff.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sat 31 Oct 2009, 0:22, 4 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Need Your Help People
www.b3ta.com/links/A_Friend_Of_A_Friend

Full begging letter in the reply.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Mon 7 Sep 2009, 2:46, 14 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Amusing yourself at work
I support bank computer systems. Big UNIX ones. One of those computer systems has the acronym 'PIRATE', although I can't remember what it means.

So there's the exposition. I received an alert earlier today telling me that the filesystem '/var' had filled up. Turned out to be some user log files, or something. To let the owner of the files know about this, I sent this message:

"Please delete some of your old log files from PIRATE's /vaaaaaarrrrrrrr filesystem :-)"

He replied, quite sternly with:

"Done. btw I've just noticed that PIRATE has not been updated to the latest patch release. Patch releases 'A' through to 'H' have been applied, but I think we're currently on 'I'

Please apply an 'I' patch to PIRATE as soon as possible."

In a truly bizarre twist, he was correct too. I am literally applying an 'I' patch to PIRATE right now. I have no idea if his brilliant (and relevant) riposte was accidental due to a total lack of acknowledgment of the original japery.
( chart cat has an itch, Wed 22 Jul 2009, 9:29, 16 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Calling All QOTW People
One of our own, Spimf, got badly burned by a shower of twats in Dubai and I offered to help him get his own back.

The company in question is Omnia Creative Consultancy and I want to help them with some publicity.

So, what I'd like all of you to is to post an in-line link pointing to Spimf's blog post about them. Basically, I want you to use companies name as the text inside the link and the link to be:

ominousdubai.blogspot.com/2009/06/burned-in-dubai.html

Just like I did up above. If we get enough of us doing this then Google will rank Spimfs posting higher than the companies official web-site.

So any of you who can, please post the link onto Facebook, your blog, Myspace, your own websites if you have them. Anywhere and everywhere is the ticket.

Omnia Creative Consultancy claim to offer S.E.O services to their clients. Together, let's show them want Search Engine Optimisation really means.

Sorry for the length but I think this is important.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Mon 20 Jul 2009, 13:09, 34 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

So very bored, I'm browsing friends of friends on facebook...
..when I get to my friend Taizo, who happens to be gay. These are some of his real-life friends.

This name caught my eye first.



I bet he sees LOTS more ballsacks.

More in the reply...
( chart cat has an itch, Wed 8 Apr 2009, 9:19, 8 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Oh this is great
Type "Find Chuck Norris" into Google and click I'm Feeling Lucky?
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 16:26, 7 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Always check your kid's homework...

I'm guessing the kid didn't get too high of a grade. I believe the correct spelling is whores.
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Wed 14 Jan 2009, 2:00, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

When I was at school
There was a boy who I shouldn't name called Paul Bentley

He was bullied lots.

One day before the teacher had arrived in classroom, a naughty child had drawn this on the whiteboard



All very entertaining I'm sure you'll agree.
The naughty child then shouted out

'Bentley, Bentley! Draw the pubes! Draw the pubes!'

Bentley was reluctant, he thought the teacher would walk in just as he started to draw.

Eventually he was cajoled into stepping up to the whiteboard, marker in hand.

'Draw the pubes! Draw the pubes!' chanted the class.

What Bentley drew relegated him to the world of the bullied forever. When he stepped away from the board this is what we saw.


( WormuIus, Mon 12 Jan 2009, 14:59, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

OH QOTW!
When you can just stop LYING at one another and accept the fact that you've not got any friends in the real, more important world?

Get out a bit. See some art. Talk to a girl and things.
I've got problems with some of the /talk users, some of whom have come out as a bit fruity, lately.
You don't want to douse yourself in QUEER, do you?

Come on, join the revolution, put your thermals on and get yourself out front.
( Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Tue 2 Dec 2008, 13:42, 49 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

an powem
Herein lies the story of Hammy the Horny Hamster.

A tragedy of eric [sic] proportions by sophocles*, translated by Boss Keloid and happylittletulip.





*not by sophocles. not even a little bit
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Tue 21 Oct 2008, 16:58, 9 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Did you know that there's a new range of alcoholic yoghurts on the market?
You can get vodka flavoured, ouzo flavoured, rum and coke, and a number of whisky varieties.

I've just had ten tonight, and I'm absolutely Mullered...




/Gets coat and fucks off sharpish...


As you were
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 15 Oct 2008, 21:58, 9 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I made a poem
The cold embraces me,
My hair floats before my eyes,
I sink.
I struggle, fail,
My lungs grow hot with pain.

An explosion of bubbles above,
A smiling figure descends,
Yet flickering hope is snuffed out,
As I read upon the card,
"Michael Barrymore: Life Guard"
(LickOutTheJamsMotherfuckers!, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 22:38, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Banking Newsflash
Just in case you are not aware of the effect that the English and American banks problems are having on Japan's banks, I can confirm that Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up, Bonsai Bank is cutting its branches and trading in the Kamikaze Bank has ceased after its shares nose dived. At the Karate Bank 500 employees have been given the chop.

Analysts also report that something fishy is happening at the Sushi Bank as customers are getting a raw deal.


you all know i'm not witty enough even to try and claim i wrote this! but it made me laugh so i thought i'd inflict it on you lot.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 14:16, 18 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

First class to Hull please
I find it strange that the Chinese are doing quite well in the Olympic swimming.






They weren't so good in Morecambe.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Fri 15 Aug 2008, 16:25, 8 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

the other night
we were discussing a news article about bees becoming less common and the potential for them disappearing entirely

someone asked the question "what would a world without bees be like?"

to which my friend Stacey replied "it would e loody awful"

I was the only one who found it funny. opinions?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 4 Aug 2008, 15:54, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

As there has been a good deal of 'erotic' writing posted
I thought I'd stick some of my own in....

This isn't as hardcore as others have been and it's not as graphic as the erotica I posted some time ago....

Instead it's a bit of Literary Erotica ... well, I'd like to think it is...but I'm inclined to think it's just pretentious tosh...however, it is part of a novel I've written which is still sitting in its virtual drawer as a first draft. Maybe one day I'll get it out, redraft it and send it around to publishers to be rejected properly.

For now, all you lovely people can read it...
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Tue 8 Jul 2008, 17:18, 15 replies, latest was 11 years ago)

Story reply thingy
While knocking back the prosecco the other evening my friend challenged me to write a story called "Cooking by the light of the fridge". I think maybe she expected something more comic or, indeed, more interesting, but I'm not in a humourous mood much these days and am rarely interesting, so have this instead. It's a 20-minute, first draft effort so, well, meh.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 8 Jul 2008, 16:32, 12 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

I've just submitted this to an online short story place
They don't have a bar to stories that have appeared elsewhere so long as you hold the copywrite. Added to which it'll take up to FIVE MONTHS for them to decide whether or not to take it.
So as I'm too lazy today to write something new - I've got various ideas knocking around my head at the moment and something may come up soon - have this to read instead.

As seems to be the current habit, it's in the reply.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 7 Jul 2008, 15:14, 5 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Fluffeh fluffeh kittehs
I try to write pron. This is what happens.
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Sun 6 Jul 2008, 13:01, 10 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

A short Tale of the Unexplained
By Kaol, age 22 and a half.

Story in reply, as seems to be the Done Thing.
( Cawl, Sun 6 Jul 2008, 3:48, 12 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Not
quite sure was I was thinking as I wrote this... but still.
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Sun 6 Jul 2008, 0:34, 10 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Scary Tale
Here's my attempt at scary.
Far-fetched but here it is, in the reply.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Fri 4 Jul 2008, 20:40, 8 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Interview with a Psychic
First of all, I'd like to offer up a prayer of thanks to the Gods of B3ta - this off topic board is the greatest idea this website has ever had.

Che's writing challenge - a 500 word short story based on the week's QOTW - is a brilliant idea. I thought I'd take up the gauntlet.

Here's my story:

********************************************

I have something to tell you. You probably won't believe me - no-one ever does, but I had to tell someone.

I have a terrible affliction. Some people may call it a 'gift,' but I think of it as a disease. It has made my life unimaginably worse off - it's a curse, a millstone I have to wear around my neck every single day.

I can hear people's thoughts. I'm psychic. See, I knew you wouldn't believe me. Alright then, think of a number. 7. Think of a colour. Blue. Think of your happiest childhood memory. It was when you were 6, and you got that puppy you had always wanted.

I've told you how I know - I'm psychic. I wish I wasn't, but I am.

What do you mean, that would be amazing? Do you really want to hear the thoughts of everyone around you? Every single person? Hear what they're planning to have for dinner, the petty things that annoy them, all their fears and insecurities? You can't turn it off. You hear every thought that runs through their minds. Sometimes, when I'm walking through a large crowd, I don't even know which thoughts are mine.

Can you imagine it - knowing exactly what everyone thinks of you? Knowing if they're lying when they say you look nice? Knowing when they're only laughing at your jokes out of politeness? Knowing when they think you look rough, or ugly? Knowing when they're being fake, or dishonest, or only pretending to be interested in you? Do you have any idea how selfish most people are? How boring they are?

I have to constantly fight against temptation to use my 'powers' to do wrong. Some days, it seems like it would be easier to just give in, and become a criminal. I could walk into a bank and overhear someone's bank details, how much is in their account, their PIN codes and passwords. I know when someone's going away on holiday, where they live and whether they have a dog or a burglar alarm. It would be the easiest thing in the world to become a professional thief, housebreaker or conman. If I was ever caught, I would know exactly what evidence the police had on me, and what to say to get away with it. I can't do it, however - it would go against everything I stand for. I couldn't live with myself. So I don't give in to the dark thoughts. I struggle with them every single day, but I don't give in.

It's hard - some days, I think it would be easier just to end it all, take a gun and blow all the thoughts out of my head forever. And then I wonder if those are really my thoughts, or those of a passing stranger who is suicidal. It's getting harder and harder to tell...

********************************************

It's 486 words long. I wrote it in half an hour in one continous sitting, so it's probably a bit rough, but I posted it in the hopes of getting some feedback. Feel free to be brutally honest.
(Pavlov's Frog figures no-one really reads sigs anyway, Thu 3 Jul 2008, 18:52, 6 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

I really want to start a new thread.



Here's my contribution.






(Dire I know, but I can blame it on the menopause or something).
( girlinthehole, Wed 2 Jul 2008, 21:17, 7 replies, latest was 4 months ago)

Probably already been asked
but what happens if you click *I like this* on this new board?
(Errorist, Wed 2 Jul 2008, 17:30, 10 replies, latest was 4 months ago)

I posted this on the main board, but I reckon it's prolly more at home here.
From the Beeb news site:

William's Ship Seizes Drugs Haul
Prince William's warship, HMS Iron Duke, has seized cocaine valued at £40m, in the West Indies, the Ministry of Defence has said.

The prince is spending five weeks on board the frigate as it patrols the North Atlantic.

Sources at Kensington Palace say that Prince Harry is "inconsolably disappointed".
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Wed 2 Jul 2008, 12:26, 3 replies, latest was 6 years ago)

I used to love chocolate - stuffed my face with it
but now it makes me sick. Especially when it's mixed with hazelnut.

I guess you could say I'm 'off topic'

JUST POSTING THIS SO THAT YOU DON'T HAVE TO.
( rob, Wed 2 Jul 2008, 11:04, 9 replies, latest was 2 years ago)

I'm fifty-nine now, but will I live to see sixty? No.

(The Porcupine From Purgatory katsu revival trust, Thu 29 Sep 2022, 8:28, 2 replies, latest was 2 years ago)

Malcolm Ecstasy is a camel knobber

( mr horrible up yours, dickface, Sun 27 Mar 2022, 17:07, Reply)

Malcolm Ecstasy is a camel knobber

( mr horrible up yours, dickface, Thu 17 Mar 2022, 17:42, 2 replies, latest was 3 years ago)

And now Christmas.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 19 Dec 2020, 19:07, Reply)

b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post2025067#post2025071
(_Battered_, Tue 26 Sep 2017, 22:05, 5 replies, latest was 7 years ago)

And now Off Topic

( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Wed 19 Apr 2017, 21:00, Reply)

Genuine lol tweet
Gerry Adams official account: “This house is like Santa's Grotto. Takes half an hour 2 switch off fairy lights and assorted Yule illuminations. Feel like a grinch now"

Reply from "Eddie Izzards Beret" : "Surely you know someone who could fit a timer?"
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Sat 24 Dec 2016, 22:30, Reply)

Happy Saturday from the b3ta wee wee tapir
i.imgur.com/X5LsMvS.jpg
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Sat 20 Aug 2016, 13:29, 2 replies, latest was 8 years ago)

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 12 May 2016, 22:02, Reply)

Happy anniversary of signing up to a moribund puerile guffs forum, Richard McBusted.
May today bring you everything you ever wanted. xxx
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 11 Mar 2016, 0:26, 65 replies, latest was 9 years ago)

fuck off dozers

( mr horrible up yours, dickface, Thu 10 Mar 2016, 18:41, 7 replies, latest was 9 years ago)

fuck off dozers

( mr horrible up yours, dickface, Wed 9 Mar 2016, 8:15, 68 replies, latest was 9 years ago)

Clicking 'Reply'' is like SO 2015.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 14 Jan 2016, 8:03, 69 replies, latest was 9 years ago)

Is this where McBeef has been?
www.thevinylfactory.com/vinyl-factory-news/hackney-record-shop-giving-away-thousands-of-free-records-this-month/
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 12 Nov 2015, 12:52, 11 replies, latest was 9 years ago)

Popular page is shit
Post jokes you just googled so that that casual reader thinks we're "super lol"
(PsychoChomp, Thu 18 Jun 2015, 15:31, 88 replies, latest was 10 years ago)

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 8 Jun 2015, 12:36, 6 replies, latest was 10 years ago)

Ultimate Burger - GO GO GO

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sun 8 Feb 2015, 15:55, 64 replies, latest was 10 years ago)

NOOT NOOT

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 11:49, 16 replies, latest was 11 years ago)

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 4 Dec 2013, 13:38, 162 replies, latest was 11 years ago)

UMNGUMNGUMNGUMNGUMNGUMNGUMNGUMNGUMNGUMNGUMNGUMNGUMNGUMNGUMNGUMNGUMNG

(_Battered_, Tue 25 Jun 2013, 12:47, 21 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

UMNGUMNGUMNGUMNGUMNGUMNGUMNGUMNGUMNGUMNGUMNGUMNGUMNGUMNGUMNGUMNGUMNG

(_Battered_, Thu 23 May 2013, 17:12, 14 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Plumdozer Jokes Thread
I'll start

Q: What's Plumdozer's favourite kind of pattiserie?
A. CHOUX pastry!!!!!
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 17 May 2013, 14:10, 59 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Nothing new on the popular page ALL DAY
I now pronounce this the "well genius comedy" thread. Go forth and be fucking funny. Or, more effectively, start clicking things at random, or click something that raises half a smirk rather than a fully-fledged LOL.

Alt: 24 hours to live, access to an inexhaustible supply of funds and a teleporter. What would you do? Please note - teleporter, not time machine, so using the funds to cure whatever's killing you then going forward in time to obtain said cure is not on the cards. I'd go on a killing spree, wiping out everyone who's ever offended me in some way in alphabetical order, capturing each murder on camera and posting it on Twitter, thereby making myself the greatest avant-garde artist of the digital media age, or something, look I'm not sure where I'm going with this. I had a pretty good idea when I got started but it's got away from me somewhat. The question stands though. Also In the spirit of the main thread I think this is sufficient effort for a click. Factor in my compulsive neediness and you've got a compelling argument.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 1 Mar 2013, 13:28, 217 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

it's still snowing
(◉‿◉)
(King Zog of Albania lives in Kensington, Wed 13 Feb 2013, 9:17, 71 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Dear mods.
Please stop stepping/banning funny posters. Ultimately your site suffers a great deal more as a result - in the end you run a very real risk of having nothing but Wilf-style positive threads and I am certain I speak for everyone except 'The Resident Loon' when I say we don't want that.

I am prepared to take a week's stepping myself in exchange for the revoking of AW's ban so that there can be at least some humour on here in amongst the fucking crisp reviews (yeah thanks Jeff).

Alt: shut up
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 30 Oct 2012, 8:25, 12 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Ignore code change
We've fiddled with the ignore code on B3ta so that it works both ways. If you ignore a person they can't see your posts, as well as you can't see theirs.

This means - in theory - if you have someone you find persistently annoying (say they post horrid things on your answers to the QOTW) then ignore them once, and they'll stop seeing your posts so they can't post and ruin your stories.

If you can test this amongst yourselves and report back to this thread that would be really helpful.
( rob, Wed 1 Aug 2012, 19:40, 137 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Hey off topic, how is everyone doing over this side? Alright?

( Mu Dinofiddler, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 23:29, 6 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

Alright?

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 27 Oct 2011, 16:25, 192 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

Today Is A Good Day
17 years ago, Mrs Legless started at university with the dream of becoming an Orthopaedic Surgeon.

Today, we attended a hotel where Mrs Legless was handed a white envelope. She gave it to me ('cos I'd had a dream) and I opened it. It said:

"I'm please to inform you that you have been successful at the Fellowship Examination in Orthopaedic Surgery."

17 years, 2 degrees, a few years of hospital residency, 5 years specialist training in Orthopaedics and she's finally made it. She's now a consultant..

I'm so proud of her I could shit fireworks.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Mon 16 May 2011, 4:54, 8 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Good news everyone
The new updated Sad Chart is out.

Based on the number of posts made over the last two weeks (using the initial data from the original sad chart) this is a more acurate representation of how sad you really are. And we seem to have a new leader! Round of applause please!

A poorly made badger for the winner/loser available here
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 22 Mar 2011, 12:53, 120 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

‘Odd’s bodkins’ muttered Claypole to himself as he slipped panther-like from his jester’s outfit.
He had the horn and he had it bad. He knew that if his ‘mini Claypole’ wasn’t gratified – and fast – his taut, RADA-trained scrotum was going to overheat like a Fukushima fuel rod. Only these love-conkers were far from spent. Despite his earlier haunting of those Perkins cunts next door (after which his ‘ectoplasm’ left them with faces like plasterer’s radios), Timothy was straining like a kind of camp, bearded racehorse…and with a glossy, oiled cock to match.

He was going to take that Ethel Meaker right up the ‘Starlight Express’, he thought to himself as he roller-skated into her bedroom. He didn’t care if he still had some AIDS on his helmet from last night when Nadia Popov had more than lived up to her name – the time was now, and his sense of urgency was palpable. He glided noiselessly across the bedroom floor, leaned over the sleeping Meaker, whispered ‘gadzooks’ in her ear and patted her on the fanny.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 8:50, 116 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

B3ta Wedding
Right, Catface and I are off to get married. See you on the other side.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Sat 11 Dec 2010, 10:51, 19 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

I'd like to use this section of the internet
to wish CHCB and Catface all the best for tomorrow. I hope that the lovely bride manages to stop expelling all manner of nasties from her various orifices in time for the ceremony. I also hope that the groom doesn't get mistaken for the actual cake top decoration and finds himself cemented into the top layer via the medium of particularly strong icing.

All the best, you two. Sorry we can't be there to share.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 10 Dec 2010, 19:47, 45 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

My beautiful cat Tommy was run over and killed this morning
My daughter is going to be inconsolable, and i can feel the lump in my throat rise as I type this. Here are a few pics of him in his fluffy glory.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Wed 10 Nov 2010, 9:24, 41 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Oh fuck what have I done?
This morning, I was using one of my Twitter accounts and it led to some banter with a couple of people about Chris Moyles following all the press coverage about him not getting paid. As a joke I set up a donation page in his name: www.justgiving.com/Christopher-Moyles with any donations going to charity.

It has started to go viral on Twitter and I am not sure what to do! 3 donations have been made so far, it is getting retweeted alot and I have just had a media enquiry.

I have found details of Moyles's agent online and emailed them to let them know.

What else should I do? I wasn't expecting this level of reaction!

EDIT: it has now made the Guardian: www.guardian.co.uk/media/mediamonkeyblog/2010/sep/23/chris-moyles-radio-1

SECOND EDIT: Someone (unrelated to all this) has done a Chris Moyles charity record to raise money for him: www.youtube.com/watch?v=ySSreHakHFE

THIRD EDIT: In case you miss this link below Bobby has created a FB page to accompany all of this: www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=155267437827706
(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Thu 23 Sep 2010, 14:58, 248 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Oh Al, for shame :(

Enticing them in with icecreams now. Sadtimes.
( thealternativefact, Thu 23 Sep 2010, 13:29, 20 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Teehee...


Alt question: "Show us on the doll where the clergyman touched you, son..."

Alt alt question: The Platypus. Explain"
(Miraclefish How appropriate, you fight like a cow, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 12:16, 6 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

And now, a prayer.

Our Bertie, who turdspurts upon b3ta,
Hollow be thy ring;
Thy chickens came to roost;
Thy threads faintly peturb,
In truth as in your fantasies.

Please us in that thou might fuck right off.
And with your aimless insults,
Know that, smiling, we shun your tears.

Tempt us not into retaliation,
But allow us our scorn.

For yours is the dull,
The autisms, and the threadwoe,
Until you delete them.

Arsehole.
(BrianHequator was stretching owls, on, or around, Sat 7 Aug 2010, 2:34, 8 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Operation successful.
Daughter now totally fine, now stuffing her face and drinking juice apparently.

Thank fuck for that.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 6 Aug 2010, 13:44, 167 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

I found an on-line picture of Monty as a baby.
thechive.com/2010/07/20/its-a-hard-knock-life-for-us-14-photos/tough-mad-kids-7/
( girlinthehole, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 14:47, 29 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

I'm sad that I missed out on that there London shenanigans
so tell me everything that happened and tell me something about each of the b3tans that you met In Real Life that will shock and amaze me.

Or tell me what you had for breakfast and how it could have been better. I haven't had anything but I'm in the mood for french toast so now anything I have will be a culinary disappointment.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 8:08, 255 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

So this isn't links, but what an utter fuckwit...
www.facebook.com/profile.php?=743264506
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Fri 28 May 2010, 21:59, 23 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

I like breasts.
.......just saying.



And what's quick reply?
( girlinthehole, Sat 13 Mar 2010, 17:58, 46 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

juvenile CDC lulz abound
thankyou maplin, thankyou

(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 13:00, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Hey Gonz
Since when did you turn into such an insufferable cunt? You used to be a nice guy
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 1:35, 44 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Saw this article today


but my mind interpreted it as this:



ORIGINAL ARTICLE HERE

Feel free to do better than mine. Only subtraction is allowed, no adding letters.
( chart cat has an itch, Fri 30 Oct 2009, 6:43, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

NSFW The long-awaited (by some) sequel to Hitlercock NSFW
By request from CHCB, I give you, Bert Reynolds:

NSFW Stiffy and the Bandit (minus the Bandit) NSFW

Also by request from an anonymous B3tan (not sure whether they wanted their identity to be known), I am proud to present, Logan:

NSFW Wolverine NSFW

...and yes, I do find it as disturbing as you do.

EDIT and if you're looking at Stiffy, wondering why he seems to be red on top, but covered in blue splotches on the bottom, it could be down to my compulsive masturbation combined with hepatitis B, or it could be because I tried, and failed, to draw jeans and a red shirt on my cock.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 15:43, 46 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Finally, it's finished.
I still need to get a 3/8" thick piece of glass for the top for a load bearing surface, but here's the result:



I tried installing lights under it, but I didn't like the effect- you can see through the glass too easily, so the lights showed too clearly. I debated putting a piece of white plexiglass like you see in a light table under it to diffuse the light, but it was starting to get too complex at that point.

So instead I put a piece of foil backed styrofoam under it. The foil was not smooth but had a bit of texture to it, which I kinda liked as it made it look more like water.

Detailed pics are here:
i78.photobucket.com/albums/j120/tucatz/Stained%20Glass/100_3568.jpg
i78.photobucket.com/albums/j120/tucatz/Stained%20Glass/100_3569.jpg
i78.photobucket.com/albums/j120/tucatz/Stained%20Glass/100_3570.jpg
i78.photobucket.com/albums/j120/tucatz/Stained%20Glass/100_3571.jpg
i78.photobucket.com/albums/j120/tucatz/Stained%20Glass/100_3572.jpg

Now on to the next project...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Sat 18 Jul 2009, 18:24, 11 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

A career-threatening hangover...
Having had too much to drink last night, my hangover has just effectively removed any chances of promotion by disabling my brain-mouth sense-checker.

Having a sushi lunch with my boss in Camden, I started by describing the starter he was having as looking "a bit scrotal. Yep, it's definitely ballbagesque".

He skimmed over this faux pas by talking up the healthiness of Japanese food. When I cast doubt on his theory, he made the mistake of asking me to name "one Japanese thing that's unhealthy".

"Ermm... bukkake?"

So, how have you managed to single-handedly ruin your own career, hungover or not?
( TheMagicDwarf is back like ballroom dancing, Fri 10 Jul 2009, 13:46, 13 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I am amazed they even bothered to reply to such a lunatic.
Von: [email protected] [mailto:[email protected]]
Gesendet: Samstag, 4. Juli 2009 19:17
An: BUGA R: WOB, BUGATTI SALES
Betreff: Contact - www.bugatti.com

E-Mail:[email protected]

Notes/Message:

Hi,

I know this is a long shot, but can I borrow a Veyron for a weekend? My neighbour just got a Vauxhall Tigra and he has been driving it around and winding me up. I promise I will fill the tank up before I give it back.

Thanks!

powervator

--------------------

Dear powervator,

First of all thank you for your interest in our Bugatti Brand and Product.

Unfortunately it is not possible to borrow you a Veyron.

We kindly ask you for your understaning and wish you all the best for the future.


Mit freundlichen Grüßen // Yours sincerely
Mr Robert XXXXX
Bugatti Automobiles S.A.S.
Marketing/ Sales
www.bugatti.com

Adress
Bugatti Automobiles S.A.S.
1, Château St.Jean
67120 Molsheim-Dorlisheim
FRANCE
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Tue 7 Jul 2009, 18:57, 10 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Its not me
So I get email for this actor guy, because we have similar email addresses. He is being chased for payment for some heating repair work (in summer??) but they keep mailing me. I told them I'm me, not him, I keep forwarding his mail to him, no one ever replies to me, no one ever listens. So now I'm being threatened with court action blah blah.

So I changed the display name on my email to his name, and replied.

"Dear Sir

Ref: Your email dated June 30th 2009 regarding non payment for account xyz.

Screw you. I am a busy man. I do not appreciate being harrassed in this manner. How do you expect to me perform in Hamlet, alongside David Tennant and Patrick Stewart when I am constantly worring about my heating repair bills? This is unacceptable. I don't believe that Dr Who OR Captain Picard ever had to deal with pilot lights or valves and stuff.

I demand that you cease chasing me - so rudely - for payment. I am a an actor in case you didnt know and these piddly little distractions that you muggles seem so endlessly pre-occupied with are not helping. Not one bit. Stop it. Stop it now.

Yours

Thomas. (Actor).

PS. I've just decided I will not pay you now. Never ever. I've had enough. You can have all your stuff back.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Wed 1 Jul 2009, 16:07, 19 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

The SSG Tribute Thread.


Put your tributes to this great man in here. MSPaint only please.

_________Sir Sand____________Sir Sand 
______Sir Sand Gobli_______Sir Sand GoblinS
____Sir Sand GoblinSir ___Sir Sand GoblinSir 
___Sir Sand GoblinSir Sand GoblinSi_______Sir 
__Sir Sand GoblinSir Sand GoblinSi_________Sir 
_Sir Sand GoblinSir Sand GoblinSir Sa_______Sir 
_Sir Sand GoblinSir Sand GoblinSir Sand G______S
Sir Sand GoblinSir Sand GoblinSir Sand Gobli__Sir
Sir Sand GoblinSir Sand GoblinSir Sand GoblinSi_S
Sir Sand GoblinSir Sand GoblinSir Sand GoblinSir 
Sir Sand GoblinSir Sand GoblinSir Sand GoblinSir 
_Sir Sand GoblinSir Sand GoblinSir Sand GoblinSi
__Sir Sand GoblinSir Sand GoblinSir Sand Goblin
____Sir Sand GoblinSir Sand GoblinSir Sand Gob
______Sir Sand GoblinSir Sand GoblinSir San
_________Sir Sand GoblinSir Sand GoblinS
____________Sir Sand GoblinSir Sand G
______________Sir Sand GoblinSir S
_________________Sir Sand Gobl
___________________Sir Sand 
_____________________Sir Sa
______________________Sir 
_______________________Si

( mike woz ere 7442200 & 7696970 getter, Sun 14 Jun 2009, 14:42, 41 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Yes!
Blind people being attacked by animals is normally hilarious, but when it's THIS blind man, it makes it even funnier:
news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/8089498.stm
( Cawl, Mon 8 Jun 2009, 14:59, 24 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Fucking Hippy Drippy Woman
Periodically, because I'm such a grumpy and intolerant bastard at work I get sent on courses about dealing with stress and 'Me and my emotions' and other such shit and I have another one tomorrow.

The person who runs it is this ridiculously shrill woman who asks us about our experience and when faced with our usual wall of outright apathy reels off into breathless tales of her bloke and her kid.

The last one we had, "Well, my greatest achievement since I've worked here was giving birth to my son." Sorry love, I disagree, presuming the pregnancy goes well, the birth is a biological inevitability. If you managed to hold the little fucker in, that would be a fucking achievement.

*ends rant*
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Thu 21 May 2009, 19:07, 14 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Yes, I am a small child
1st rule of computer systems: be careful how you abbreviate "analysis".



I'm also amused by the Quavers picture.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 19 May 2009, 18:11, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I know this isn't /links, but I don't care
I've just found some amazing new technology on eBay that everyone with cars should purchase.

I've just placed a rather large order.
(username1, Fri 8 May 2009, 12:48, 10 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

A story from work
Not mine, but I've heard similar.


OK so this is a true story. We really got this call to my Hospital.

A guys call up and is in a panic. He is literally in hysterics on the phone and we can not understand what he is saying at all at first.

So once he calms down a little this is what he starts to tell us-

"OK so I was in the shower and I was "playing" with my dog (the dog was a Pit Bull). And now he is stuck!"

And the Tech on the line was like what do you mean stuck?

And he goes on to say-

"You know-stuck! He is stuck to my back! What do I do?!"

So the Tech puts the guy on hold and comes to the back where myself and the other techs and the Vet were. She explains what the guy on hold told her. We are all thinking the same thing, but no one wants to say it out loud. So finally the Vet says to her-"OK does he mean that he is naked and the dog has stuck his penis up the guy's asshole and the dog is now erect?"

The tech says to her, that is what I would take it to be. So the Vet gets on the phone. They guy is still there. The first thing that she asks they guy before anything else was-" OK before we goi any further, is this a joke?"

To which the guy replied "NO!"

And between what both the Vet and the Tech that answered the phone said was that unless this guy was an Academy Award winning Actor, he was for real and this was no joke.

So basically the long and the short of the story was that this guy and his Pit Bull were "playing" in the shower (you can draw your own conclusions there, I don't think you need to figure out how the dog's penis got aroused right?) and the dog had humped the guy in the back and was not stuck in the guy's asshole. What was causing the dog to "Stick" to the owner was the "mating tie" that had gone off and was now in the guy.

Totally totally gross.

So the Vet tells the guy on the phone all of this and the guy screams to know that is what is blowing up in his ass, and why he is in so much pain. Basically it was like he had a softball up his ass and it was pulling at his ass crack. The guy asks the Vet how long this will last, when will they get unstuck. And the Vet tells him that it can take up to an hour.

She starts to say to the guy-"When the dog is done-"
Then the guy chimes in with this question-"What do you mean "done"? What do you mean "done"? Do you mean he is gonna blow a load in me!!!!???"

So the Vet had to answer honestly and say yes. GROSS!!!!!!!!!

So after the guy finishes screaming in fear and disgust (which did take a little bit) the Vet said to him-"You may want to go to the Doctor when he is finished (he cried again when she said finished too). You might have some injury there after that."

They guy was not too receptive to that idea at all. He said to her"What do I tell them happened?". The Vet told him that was not her problem, but that he should seek medical attention. She told them that there could be serious bodily injury there. She then asked for his number so she could call back and see how he and the dog were doing. He would not give it to us because he said he was a client at our hospital and didn't want us to figure out who he was by his number. And he said he didn't want us to report him. That's really why we asked for the number, we were going to call animal control on him.

Needless to say he never called back and everyone guy who came in with a Pit Bull ever since we really had to look at and listen to see if we can remember the voice.

LOL

Again weirdest call ever......and it's totally true and sadly was no joke....


Just nasty.....but funny

Can you picture this naked dude with a Put Bull attached to his back hoping around his apartment trying to get from the bathroom to the phone to call us? That must have been a sight to see!
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Tue 5 May 2009, 12:58, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Did you know
Neil Armstrong wasn't actually the first man on the moon as he wasn't actually a man. A team of scientists working deep in the heart of the Amazon rainforest developed a strange fungus that grew into a perfect man shape. Nasa sensing that a fungus probably wouldn't want paying took advantage of this free labour and sent it to the moon.

There are now thousands of mini Neil Armstrongs running about on the moon as a result of the fungus sporing quite heavily whilst it was there.
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 30 Apr 2009, 14:19, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

someone must
have a paralysed friend and access to a Slendertone muscletoner. If so, then please make them dance about and film it for Youtube.

My mate has a good midi control unit for the light rig in his band. I suggested he connect it up to a Slendertone's control box, attach the pads to a paraplegic guy and have them lurch about during a gig a bit like a zombie Bez.

Against their will.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 17 Apr 2009, 16:13, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I have a confession
In maths yesterday - I got so bored that I played Tetris.

On graph paper.

For two hours.

And then swore and scrunched it up when I realised I wouldn't win.
(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 27 Mar 2009, 19:56, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

A funny thing happened tonight
I was walking past the fridge and could have sworn I heard the onions singing Bee Gees songs.

On opening the door, I discovered that it was just the chives talking...

Thangyouverymuchandgoodnight
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 2 Mar 2009, 23:57, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Predictive Text
I have managed to never buy a mobile phone in my life. Admittedly I'm only 23, and avoided getting one until I was 17, but they've always been hand-me-downs. (The first being forced upon me when my sister decided hers wasn't sufficiently fashionably, and my mother insisted that I'd find it useful, despite not having anybody to call.)

Now, with my current phone, its settings meant that it was easier to work out how to use predictive text than to switch it off. And in the end, I have found that it speeds things up quite a lot.

However, given this phone had originally been owned by my friend's sister, then passed on to him, and then finally on to me, I was most surprised that I had to teach it the word "Fucking."

Since then, I've had to teach it various other, shall we say, more creative expletives, including
Dickwobbler
Arsebiscuits
Cockdonkey
Badgerflaps
Cuntybollocks
Arsetrumpetry

What interesting or unusual words have you had to teach your phone? And will you also teach them to your children?
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 25 Feb 2009, 10:55, 26 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Kaol Black: Episode 3 of "The Beast Of The Chignals"


Previously:


All previous stories are linked in my profile.
( Cawl, Wed 4 Feb 2009, 23:54, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

So anyway
Someone has mailed me, no idea who she is, she thinks I'm someone else. I got this:

Hey D

How's the weather?

Here I am in the library, writing an e-mail.Coming home, hurdling back
10.5 hours felt a lot like time travel. The first day of Hampshire classes, the
campus closed because of snow (strangely, it was the only campus to close).
There's ice on the ground and piles and heaps and stretches of snow.

I am meeting with DK tomorrow. Do you have a message for him?

My older brother is going to be in V for a few days beginning Feb. 5th.
He graduated from N this past year and has been traveling in
Nepal/India since mid November. I am going to give him your e-mail and maybe if
you are missing Americans you two can chat on a ghat.

I think being back would be easier if the goats on the farm had more
sweaters...perhaps I'll go sweater them some night?

Enjoy the weather,

M

I have course replied. See more
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Thu 29 Jan 2009, 22:51, 15 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Kaol Black and The Beast Of The Chignals
Latest episode:


Previously...





( Cawl, Thu 29 Jan 2009, 0:57, 7 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Kid lols
I fucking love how honest kids are. I just asked my 2.5-year-old why she pushed her 1-year-old brother down. ``Because it was funny.'' Which, let's face it, it kinda was. not that i could admit it at the time.
(tuqueboy has been in a medically -induced coma since, Fri 23 Jan 2009, 18:53, 8 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

QOTW FAQ - First draft
Hello /questions boarders!

This is the first draft of an FAQ for the QOTW compiled by No3L and me from various grunts and gripes on this board over the last few weeks.

What do you think. Is it too wordy? Not wordy enough? Anything missing? Too patronising? Not patronising enough? Not enough swearing?

Comments please:

EDIT: Moved into replies, so it complies with its own etiquette guidelines :-)
( chart cat has an itch, Fri 23 Jan 2009, 5:26, 36 replies, latest was 4 years ago)

Don't try this at home!
Last night I had a splendid evening getting slowly twatted in one of Sheffield's less salubrious establishments. Many pints of Mulled ale, Rockin' Robin & many other pints of beers which names presently escape me.

I pottered off home and after a nip of scotch to keep out the cold, admitted that sobriety was no longer my bedfellow and hit the hay. I awoke to the feeling that something was seriously wrong and then suffered that sinking feeling ............ I realised that I was stood in the corner of our bedroom, cock in hand and was pissing all over the plugged in stereo which was faithfully playing the World Service.

I had even lifed the lid to expose the CD player (possibly thinking it was the bog seat) and my missus slept soundly through the whole sorry affair.
(SpunkyMcSpunkbubble Diddled your nubbin on, Sat 3 Jan 2009, 10:40, 8 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I'm not normally this sappy
Those of you that read my post on "The nicest thing anyone's done for me" some weeks ago will know some of the back story to this.

As it's coming towards Xmas, the stress on my G/F's daughter from her father is increasing exponentially. For legal reasons, I can't explain why she won't be going to any functions with his new partner, but he's still doing lots of emotional blackmail for her to do so. For weeks, every time she's come off the 'phone to her father, she's distraught. It breaks my heart but all I can do is comfort her and try to explain that none of it is her fault without belittling or blaming her father. Don't get me wrong, I encourage her to see her father (as often as he can be arsed) as I'm a divorced dad myself. I don't want her to lose touch but the circumstances are difficult. Its not easy but the happiness of this little girl means a lot to me.

Last night, very shyly and with a few false starts, she gave me an envelope. Inside she'd written this.

"Life has its ups and downs
But you're always there to take away my frown
Whenever I need a great big hug
You're always there to wrap me snug as a bug
You wipe away my tears
And take away my fears
So I'm glad to call you my Dad
When I'm with you I'm never sad".

Thanks Emily, best Xmas present ever.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Mon 22 Dec 2008, 16:57, 8 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I wish this had happened ...
in time for the cringe QOTW.

My mother slipped in the shower and fractured her L4 vertebra. Two weeks out from Christmas.

The inconsiderate cow.

Anyway, I have recently spent many frantic hours in our nearest A&E trying to amuse two little girls, aged 5 and 2, for fuck knows how long.

They were well entertained by an impromptu blow-up latex glove puppet show for a bit, much to the amusement of my fellow waiting room internees.

Now this particular hospital happens to be the war veterans hospital. So the moment all parents dread was just around the corner.

You know the one. The moment when an amputee comes within the range of your child's curious gaze. My first born child reacted with bemused but silent interest in the elderly (WW2?) veteran who sat close-by. He had lost his left arm just below the elbow.

The nurse called us in to talk about my Mum.

I breathed a huge sigh of relief.

Just as we were mustering ourselves, 5yo politely asks the elderly amputee "Excuse me, but what happened to your arm?"

CRINGE!!!

He gave this beetroot faced poster a wry grin and beckoned 5yo girl closer. He then said in a low voice.

"I was picking my nose."

The look of utter horror on my wee one's face was just magic.

I then had to talk to a nurse about my mother's need for back surgery whilst trying not to wee myself from suppressed giggles.
(Que?, Fri 19 Dec 2008, 7:17, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

The Tooth Fairy
The other morning son #2 got up and as I nagged him to get dressed as he'd be late for school (again) he told me to hang on.

"I've got to check if I've got a pound under my pillow!"

I ignored this and carried on applying the three inches of slap to my face to enable me to face the world and not look like a Terrahawk.

He returned to his bedroom and rummaged about.

He does this a lot.

Generally it involves making stuff and causing mayhem with his twin brother.

Finally I followed him in to nag again about getting dressed.

"Oh no! She didn't take it!"

"Get dressed."

"But I haven't got my pound!"

"Get dressed. You'll be late for school."

"But I haven't got my pound!"

"...."

"Look"

He shows me a large plastic tooth (god alone knows where he found it) which he had secreted under his pillow.

"The Tooth Fairy didn't take it and give me a pound"


I left the room quickly stifling my snorts of derision and laughter.

Bless him.

He'll be eleven in four weeks time.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 8 Dec 2008, 13:53, 9 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

It's that time again...
The concluding part of the "Rabbits" story.


And the previous instalments, for those of you lax enough to miss 'em:





( Cawl, Wed 26 Nov 2008, 23:26, 11 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Bazmorningstar
has just reminded me of a joke.

Hopefully it won't offend him ;-)

Q: How many potatoes does it take to kill an irishman?

A: none
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 26 Nov 2008, 22:25, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Am I a bastard...
... for not joining any groups or causes about Baby P on Facebook? I must be getting about 3 invites a day and I'm ignoring the lot.

Yes its very sad what happened there, and its very wrong. But I dont see what joining numerous Facebook groups isnt going to make any difference.
(Miggyman, Mon 17 Nov 2008, 21:57, 9 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

The Great Halloween Username Heist of '08...

On Halloween the world was fun
With ‘tricks’ and ‘treats’ dealt by the ton
I thought I’d join in with the game…
And some cunt stole my username

It’s sad how some twats get their kicks
By turning into thieving dicks
Cos of my name I was quite fond
It’s ok to be called ‘gay pond’

It seems I’m not the only one
To find their B3taname has gone
So if I must, I’ll look real hard
But give it back, you cack spacktard!

Or now perhaps I’ll take this chance
On one of my poetic rants
And change the name of which I’m famed
To one of which I’m less ashamed

So…

Have fun with ‘Pooflake’ if you dare
And keep the name ‘cos I don’t care
It’s just a word as you will see…
You’ll NEVER be the REAL me…


( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Mon 3 Nov 2008, 10:19, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Quick and dirty...
My friend's just had a baby girl. I went into the hospital to see them, and she asked me if I'd like to wind her.

I thought that would be a little bit harsh. So I gave her a dead leg instead.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Sat 18 Oct 2008, 10:57, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

S'up.

( mike woz ere 7442200 & 7696970 getter, Mon 6 Oct 2008, 0:13, 48 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

The sex misconceptions QoTW reminded me of this,,,
An old friend from school added me on facebook the other day... I happened to mention it while I was talking to my mum a couple of days after that.

The conversation went like this:

"Guess who added me on facebook the other day?"
"I don't know"
"[name changed to protect the innocent]"
"Oh! His mum was the first person your dad ever shagged!"

Haha, I so didn't need to know that =)
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Thu 2 Oct 2008, 0:30, 6 replies, latest was 10 years ago)

Investment Advice
If you had purchased £1000 of Northern Rock shares one year ago it would now be worth £4.95. With HBOS, earlier this week your £1000 would have been worth £16.50. £1000 invested in XL Leisure would now be worth less than £5, BUT if you bought £1000 worth of Tennents Lager one year ago, drank it all, then took the empty cans to an aluminium re-cycling plant, you would get £21.40

So based on the above statistics the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and re-cycle.
(conanow, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 9:40, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

We've got the B3ta book of sick jokes
I for one would be willing to pay good reasonable money for a collection of the best QOTW answers. I could give copies to friends that I really think would appreciate the frequent allusions to length quality of writing and witty anecdotes.

How 'bout it, Rob?
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 19 Sep 2008, 20:41, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I'm busting for a piss.

( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 23:38, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

GUESS WHAT!
www.b3ta.com/links/JMGTV_News
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 22:53, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

My exciting night
Don't read this if you've got anything better to do.
[Selected highlights]
Or the tale of Kaol, his two friends and "why does this kind of stuff happen to me all the time?"

Last night I headed into fair London Town to go to a gig, accompanied by my trusty comrades Jom and Timmy (names altered for legal reasons).
We got to central London on the tube from Epping and went to get some food before picking up our tickets, at which point we got a call saying the gig was cancelled.

"Fear not," said I to my handsome entourage, "We're in London, the City of Dreams, surely there must be fine distractions for young men such as ourselves."

~~~~~Fast-forward four hours~~~~~

Timmy is "The most drunk he's ever been ^TM", Jom is also fairly drunk, and I'm not too bad. We're standing in Tottenham Court Road, eating waffles from a street vendor.

~~~~~Fast-forward four more hours~~~~~

We're slumped outside a rock club, Timmy looking a fine shade of zombie-grey. The half-price cocktail pitchers were a bad idea, especially the Long Island Iced Teas.
Just because something is half price, it doesn't mean you should drink twice as many.
Timmy mutters something about it being a "bad waffle" and I lead him to a dark, leafy flower bed to be sick.

~~~~~Fast-forward one hour~~~~~

Jom has decided it's a great idea to walk to Hyde Park and sleep there.
It wasn't.
We got as far as Green Park, Timmy having been sick about ten more times.
We meet a wonderful Watchman of the Night, Mr. Insane Tramp.
He started a five-minute rant at us that began with:
"I'm Jesus. In fact I'm fucking God.
I'm your worst fucking nightmare.
I'm the kind of person they warn you about at school.
I'll fuck you up if you look at me wrong.
I'm Hitler and Ghandi."

That kind of thing.
When he'd finished I offered him some chewing gum, and with a "Thanks mate" he wandered off into the night.

~~~~~Fast-forward one hour~~~~~

Jom and Timmy are both throwing up now, moaning about the waffles. I'm a bit worried, as I had one too.
We're now wandering around Knightsbridge, thanks to Jom's wonderful sense of direction.
It was at this point I decided to grab 20 minutes of sleep behind a statue of "Borridge", near the French Embassy, before being moved on by the police.

~~~~~Fast-Forward four hours~~~~~

After hours of wandering, and a few minor adventures we got on the Tube, having to get off every few stops for Timmy to throw up. He'd been sick about 50 times by this point, and I was a little worried.
An hour later I was home and in bed.

If your made it to the end, congratualations, but maybe you should get out a little more...
On second thoughts, you're safer staying at home.
( Cawl, Fri 1 Aug 2008, 18:50, 7 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Tips not tits...

Shamelessly ripped off from an email I got ages ago, but the Ipod battery chat reminded me about the extra battery stash on your phone, enjoy!


4 THINGS YOU PROBABLY NEVER KNEW YOUR MOBILE PHONE COULD DO

There are a few things that can be done in times of grave emergencies. Your mobile phone can actually be a life saver or an emergency tool for survival. Check out the things that you can do with it:

FIRST Emergency

The Emergency Number worldwide for Mobile is 112. If you find yourself out of the coverage area of your mobile; network and there is an emergency, dial 112 and the mobile will search any existing network to establish the emergency number for you, and interestingly this number 112 can be dialed even if the keypad is locked. Try it out.



Also in Australia, the Australian emergency number 000 can be dialled whilst your mobile phone keyboard is locked. This is another reason why 000 receives so many false emergency calls!


SECOND

Have you locked your keys in the car?

Does your car have remote keyless entry? This may come in handy someday. Good reason to own a cell phone: If you lock your keys in the car and the spare keys are at home, call someone at home on their mobile phone from your cell phone.

Hold your cell phone about a foot from your car door and have the person at your home press the unlock button, holding it near the mobile phone on their end. Your car will unlock. Saves someone from having to
drive your keys to you. Distance is no object. You could be hundreds of miles away, and if you can reach someone who has the other "remote" for your car, you can unlock the doors (or the trunk).
Editor's Note: It works fine! We tried it out and it unlocked our car over a mobile phone!"

THIRD

Hidden Battery Power

Imagine your mobile battery is very low. To activate, press the keys *3370# Your mobile will restart with this reserve and the instrument will show a 50% increase in battery. This reserve will get charged when you charge your mobile next time.

FOURTH
How to disable a STOLEN mobile phone?

To check your Mobile phone's serial number, key in the following digits on your phone!:

star-hash-zero-six-hash

* # 0 6 #

A 15 digit code will appear on the screen. This number is unique to your handset. Write it down and keep it somewhere safe. When your phone get stolen, you can phone your service provider and give them this code. They will then be able to block your handset so even if the thief changes the SIM card, your phone will be totally useless. You probably won't get your phone back, but at least you know that whoever stole it can't use/sell it either. If everybody does this, there would be no point in people stealing mobile phones.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 31 Jul 2008, 12:09, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Che mentioned, in a reply to a previous post, the idea of replacing common cliches with more B3ta-friendly ones
This has been playing on my mind, and I've came up with a few

"It's always darkest before dawn" should be replaced with "It's always darkest when your head's up your ass"

"You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink" leads to "You can lead a supermodel to a fridge, but you can't make her eat"

"It's like teaching your Granny to suck eggs" should become "It's like teaching your Granny to hate black people" (although that may just be my Gran)

"The devil makes work for idle hands" sounds better as "If you've got nothing to do, play with yourself"

"A needle in a haystack" could become "Sensible advice on /talk"

Anyone got any others?
(Pavlov's Frog figures no-one really reads sigs anyway, Wed 30 Jul 2008, 18:34, 8 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Following Che's post below
During the time I worked in a JobCentre, and back in the days where jobs were placed on bits of card and then stuck up on the display boards, we had had a confectionary company place a vacancy with us:

Wanted: Fudge Packers. Experience preferred, but full training will be given.

Nobody spotted this for days...
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 25 Jul 2008, 14:13, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Dammit, just a few days too late for last week's QOTW...

( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 18 Jul 2008, 16:05, 5 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

B3ta - reflecting world religions?
We’ve got an Anglican church that is split between liberal minded folks open to the idea of gay vicars and female bishops, and the ultra-right wing bigots that are still stuck in the middle ages and wondering why church attendance is dropping off. You’ve got the Jewish faith which is split into so many different denominations of Jew that it’s hard to keep track, and they don’t mix. Catholics and Protestants, two faiths separated by a common God… etcetera. Whatever the denomination, their religious beliefs are right and everyone with a differing viewpoint will burn in hell.

And on B3ta we’ve got a number of forums, including /talk, and /board, and /QOTW… featuring members who have all (presumably) been attracted to B3ta by a love of creative and non-PC humour, whether written or graphic, but who are mostly comfortable in their own particular sphere.

I suppose what I’m saying is accept the fact that there are probably thousands of people that use B3ta and you’re not going to agree with all of them. But have enough respect to realise that people are free to post what they like, within certain parameters. Don’t hurl abuse at someone just because they have a different viewpoint to you. You don’t like that QOTW has become quite an interactive forum? Fine, don’t join in. Post something if you have something to contribute, otherwise leave them to their own devices. /Talk a bit quickfire and too full of abuse for your tastes? Leave it, it ain’t worth it. Can’t use photoshop? Not a problem, just look at the image challenge stuff. Find your niche, have a venture into other boards – if you don’t like what you see, you don’t have to go back.

But suggesting the removal of an entire board just because you perceive it to be of absolutely no relevance to you anymore? That’s just childish.

B3ta. It’s the new religion, I tells ya.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 16 Jul 2008, 14:01, 32 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

shit!
not literally, but shit, how embarrassing... going to a bbq tonight, so i said i'd make some salads. the friends who'd come here first to travel together were annoying my pasta/potato/rice boiling (i use the term "salad" very loosely. shameless carbs with vegetables and different flavoured cheeses and mayonnaises would be much more apt) system, so i packed them off to the pub and put the radio on.

oooh, portishead, not heard that for years. turn it up. sing along. aha, handy cucumber, makes a perfect microphone. sing along. bit louder, noone's home, turn it up again. sing along.

sway slowly whilst chopping, then turn around with a flourish - only to find two of the girls had come back for something. to see me. covered in mayonnaise and feta cheese, warbling to a cucumber that it had to "give me a reeeeeasoon to beeeee a woman....."

now they won't stop laughing at me. i think they may be hinting i was planning to do something unsavoury with it, other than chop it up and put it in the salad. how gross.

obviously that was what the courgette was for!

but seriously, everyone sings when they cook, don't they??
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sat 12 Jul 2008, 16:12, 6 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

The journey
Written about 10 minutes ago and may or may not be a true story.

500 exactly FTW :)

Comments welcome
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Tue 8 Jul 2008, 21:27, 7 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Oh well!
If K2K6 is brave enough to have a go then here is mine.

Nothing to do with this weeks qotw but it does have the word fear in it several times.

It's a lot longer than 500 words but I couldn't think where to cut it.
( girlinthehole, Sun 6 Jul 2008, 8:26, 8 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

My Biggest Disappointment - in 500 words
“Hey buddy, how’s it goin’?”

“What? Oh, hi Tom, yeah, OK I suppose.”

“You suppose! Well sounds to me like you need a beer, am I right or am I right?”

“No, a beer is NOT what I need right now, but, I suppose it’ll have to do.”

“Great! I know a great bar not far from here, jump in.”

* * * * *

They pulled up at a bar on Sunset Boulevard, where a young white man opened the door of the car with a smile and taking the keys from Tom, opened the door of the bar and wished them a ‘great time’.

The music was almost too loud and as it sounded like something from ‘Hotel California’, Hugh’s mood didn’t lift. He looked around, the place was still fairly empty - Tom told him to find a seat and headed for the bar.

“What the fuck am I doing here?” Hugh wondered, “I hate this bloke and this bar looks like ‘the pits’.” but then he thought of his hotel suite and forced a smile as Tom neared the table with a jug of beer, a couple of glasses and what looked like a couple of shot glasses too.

“Right! Here ya go buddy, sorry it’s not warm!” Tom poured two frothing glasses, clinked his against Hugh’s and downed half the contents in two deep swallows. Hugh took a sip, it was surprisingly good actually, he took a proper swallow and put his glass down.

“OK, bud, now down this and tell me all about it.” Tom handed him the shot glass, waited until Hugh was ready, then winked and threw it into his mouth. “There you go.”

Hugh knew it was probably the wrong thing to do as he was tipping the glass into his mouth, but the little devil sitting on his left shoulder scooted round to the back of his head, yanked back on his thick hair and suddenly, the shot was in his stomach and making friends with the beer - who seemed to be the only other occupant. The little angel on the right shoulder was trying to whisper in his ear that he’d skipped lunch, remember? and maybe he should take it easy? ‘Fuck you!’ the little devil said, appearing from behind his neck, ‘let’s have some fun’.

“So, what’s the problem?” Tom said. He re-filled the beer glasses, then sat back in his seat. Hugh leaned in and rested his elbows on the table.

“What can I say?" he shrugged, spread his hands wide and pulled a sheepish, adorable grin, "Everything's fucking perfect. I'm rich, famous, good looking, talented, and I have a girlfriend that most men would cut off their right arm for the chance to sleep with her. What could possibly be wrong?"

"Errr, she doesn’t give head?”

“Close, but no cigar, as Bill Clinton might say. She tries, but she’s really shit, all teeth and no technique.”

“Hmmm, I may be able to help you there…”
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Thu 3 Jul 2008, 12:15, 7 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

cooked dinner
for 4 tonight. v healthy, low-fat veggie curry, quite tasty but ultimately bulky as full of about 8,000,000 different vegetables. and chickpeas. round, roll-y little chickpeas.

however, there were actually only 2 of us to eat it. so lots of leftovers.

tried to put the massive full plate of curry in the fridge. i have a beautiful retro pink smeg fab to go in my sleek dark grey, glass table and stripped wooden floored kitchen. oh and some lovely pale pink plates.

yeah. not any more. somehow i did the spakkerdance just putting the plate on the shelf. there are pieces of plate and fucking chickpeas EVERYWHERE. the fridge looks as if a giant chucked up in it. it's running down the freezer door. it's all over my formerly shiny floor.

and... worst of all... (she says as she was so distressed and flappy that her flatmate got out of bed to clean it all up) i BROKE MY BEAUTIFUL PLATE. i am a complete and utter wankpot.

has anyone else done anything this stupid today??
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 3 Jul 2008, 0:30, 23 replies, latest was 3 months ago)

It's been interesting reading
what other people have done with their lives, degree or not.

FWIW

Film and media studies with video production BA Hons. Where has it got me?

Two years at the BBC in the news editing department, then two years at Blockbuster video head office, wine buyer for M&S and slacker at Lush cosmetics. Now a trainee veterinary nurse earning roughly about the same as I did before I started my degree but with huge career prospects and I look forward to going into work each day.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Wed 2 Jul 2008, 22:13, 50 replies, latest was 4 months ago)

Can you tell who's dead yet?

(Smegg Wallace The O.G. Q.R., Tue 23 May 2023, 14:27, 2 replies, latest was 2 years ago)

S Club 6

( Cheers Cheers, Fri 7 Apr 2023, 16:37, 8 replies, latest was 2 years ago)

Nigel Lawsoff

(The Porcupine From Purgatory katsu revival trust, Tue 4 Apr 2023, 15:18, Reply)

Tom Sizenomore

(Smegg Wallace The O.G. Q.R., Tue 28 Feb 2023, 9:22, 3 replies, latest was 2 years ago)

Queen ElizaDEATH II

(The Porcupine From Purgatory katsu revival trust, Fri 9 Sep 2022, 10:56, 1 reply, 2 years ago)

INVISIBLE GRAGGLE

( Cheers Cheers, Sun 26 Jun 2022, 20:59, Reply)

Malcolm Ecstasy is a camel knobber

( mr horrible up yours, dickface, Tue 29 Mar 2022, 22:50, Reply)

BRING BACK THE O/T GLORY DAYS!!!!
y/n
(Smegg Wallace The O.G. Q.R., Tue 18 Jan 2022, 13:45, 1 reply, 3 years ago)

 
(Runcorn shitty limits, Tue 7 Jul 2020, 14:02, 1 reply, 4 years ago)

do one faggot

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 8 Jun 2020, 13:22, 3 replies, latest was 5 years ago)

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(gamesbx1102, Sat 9 Nov 2019, 6:25, 4 replies, latest was 5 years ago)

Geoff Capes scaled the walls of the £756,000 Sussex mansion with all the stealth of a gekko on a Mallorcan shower wall
As luck would have it the window was open. He dropped in and slipped out of his dungerees and let the cool air caress his distinguished greying beard.

The house was quiet. He looked into one room and saw the sleeping Peter Andre - without the wig and wax on his face he was rather beautiful. But Capes wasn't into arses. Not today.

He heard a noise coming from the bathroom. He ran along the landing, his giant budgie swinging in the air like Saddam on Youtube. He looked into the bathroom and saw a mad little f**ker, big as a barrel and blind as a bat leaping up and down in some boiling water.

"Capes!" said a voice behind him. "Stop looking at my son with your budgie out".

Capes slowly turned around and saw Katie Price in front of him - wearing nothing but a Juicy Couture camisole and the slightest glistening of her ample clunge.

As ever Capes' budgie became harder than the Guardian cryptic and proceeded to bang her tits off as Harvey ate a bag of Prawn Cocktail crisps from the floor that Capes had brought just in case.

Before Capes left he wiped his now dying budgie on Harvey's afro, bent down to the prone Jordan, who lay liked a painter's radio in the moonlight, and whispered "Awooga" in her ear and patted her on the fanny.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 22 Jul 2019, 16:30, 1 reply, 5 years ago)

And now people in Florida
Alt: edgy topics
( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Sun 26 Aug 2018, 21:02, Reply)

And now, finally, OT?!

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 3 Jul 2018, 15:56, 1 reply, 7 years ago)

Hello everybody
Long time no see
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Fri 8 Dec 2017, 11:58, 6 replies, latest was 7 years ago)

It's December
and everything's cold.
(Ooooh_cuntroversials_sockpuppet Make O/T great again., Fri 1 Dec 2017, 15:31, 10 replies, latest was 7 years ago)

ARSEHOLES

( mr horrible up yours, dickface, Wed 20 Sep 2017, 17:31, 19 replies, latest was 7 years ago)

( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Fri 18 Aug 2017, 16:37, Reply)

I have just worked out how to edit and more importantly close OT

( Peej, Tue 13 Jun 2017, 15:03, 29 replies, latest was 6 years ago)

Think I Might Come Back To QOTW
And do a Donald and make QOTW great again.


I've just spent about 4 hours reading through the archives. There were some fucking great stories and great writers. It would be nice if we could bring it back to the days when QOTW would get over 1000 posts on a topic



Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Sat 11 Mar 2017, 10:30, 20 replies, latest was 4 years ago)

Prick

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Tue 1 Nov 2016, 7:01, 10 replies, latest was 8 years ago)

it is an ex-board, it has ceased to be

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 15 Sep 2016, 17:04, 9 replies, latest was 8 years ago)

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Tue 13 Sep 2016, 15:06, 4 replies, latest was 8 years ago)

Reading the news about the horrible stabbing in Russell square last night
And some utter nob has tweeted, "so scary, can't believe I stayed in a hotel in #russellsquare"

FFS, f f fucking s.

Have you seen a more spectacular piece of helmetry than that today? Your dad's cock doesn't count.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 4 Aug 2016, 8:02, 76 replies, latest was 8 years ago)

Serena Williams eats dog food and then does really well in that tennis thing.
What's the last dodgy thing you had in your mouth, and how did it affect you?

alt. Perfect drinks for hot weather
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Fri 13 May 2016, 12:39, 37 replies, latest was 9 years ago)

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Sun 24 Apr 2016, 8:57, 24 replies, latest was 9 years ago)

hallo off of the topix, how's it gaun?

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 11 Apr 2016, 16:21, 29 replies, latest was 9 years ago)

This forum is now closed.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 31 Mar 2016, 15:41, 26 replies, latest was 9 years ago)

I've just been trying to complete
Shinobi 3 on the megadrive. Games were unfeasibly difficult in the early 90s.
(Oooh_cuntroversial Where have I been?, Sat 19 Mar 2016, 14:12, 13 replies, latest was 9 years ago)

A friend of mine just lost all his fingers in a terrible accident.
I CAN'T IMAGINE HOW HE FEELS! !
( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Fri 18 Mar 2016, 9:25, 11 replies, latest was 9 years ago)

Haha! Yeah! Internet!
Im slightly hungover today, and my upstairs neighbours seemingly doing impromptu Riverdance at 3am didnt help.
Do you get on well with your neighbours?

alt. Lunch

altalt. Are the Royals over now? What is it they do?
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Mon 7 Mar 2016, 12:06, 48 replies, latest was 9 years ago)

SHIT AND FOR PRICKS
What you up to this weekend then?
Im scoping out a new place to live so will be schmoozing in Didsbury and Chorlton, looking at places.
Gonna make Chicken and prawn in Black Bean sauce form scratch too and drink lots of wine.
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Fri 4 Mar 2016, 16:03, 82 replies, latest was 9 years ago)

Good morning off topic.
You are all pricks
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 25 Feb 2016, 7:51, 24 replies, latest was 9 years ago)

This is an 'I've put Jason on 'Ignore 2 point 0' and have started a new thread' thread

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Tue 23 Feb 2016, 14:02, 9 replies, latest was 9 years ago)

fuck off dozers

( mr horrible up yours, dickface, Tue 23 Feb 2016, 7:47, 3 replies, latest was 9 years ago)

suck my balls

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Sun 7 Feb 2016, 21:26, 1 reply, 9 years ago)

Wee...

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 7 Feb 2016, 21:02, Reply)

Alright?
What has Sunday got in store?
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Sun 7 Feb 2016, 10:01, 49 replies, latest was 9 years ago)

Shit

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Fri 5 Feb 2016, 21:42, 6 replies, latest was 9 years ago)

I can't get it up for my wife any more.
I just don't find her droopy jowls and saggy, middle-aged breasts attractive. Any suggestions?
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 4 Feb 2016, 20:38, 3 replies, latest was 9 years ago)

Hello there off topics finest.
What's the happenings in your post code? Some wankers house boat came loose last night and smashed in to the Bridge by me. Stupid water gypsy wankers. It's on its side and a but fucked.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Tue 2 Feb 2016, 7:43, 72 replies, latest was 9 years ago)

Wogan's carked it.
Farewell to the dullest narrator of the shittest music of my childhood. You did good stuff for Comic Relief and you probably weren't a paedophile, but listening to your supercilious middle-class waffling every sodding morning because my mum idolised you will never be a fond memory.

Alt: morning.
( .Yeti., Mon 1 Feb 2016, 7:43, 115 replies, latest was 9 years ago)

aren't you lot dead yet?

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Sun 31 Jan 2016, 17:53, 9 replies, latest was 9 years ago)

hi gaze!!!!!
I did a funny guff today!!!!!
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 29 Jan 2016, 18:46, 26 replies, latest was 9 years ago)

Good morning OT.
How are we all today? I'm well.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 28 Jan 2016, 7:34, 98 replies, latest was 9 years ago)

The only cheese that bites.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 28 Jan 2016, 0:26, 3 replies, latest was 9 years ago)

Happy Australia Day!
Aside from Boef, tell us your tales of our brothers and sisters from a sunnier climate.
Always wanted to go to Oz. The seem like us, but happier.
Downside is everything there is a killer.

alt.
Lunch? Are you throwing a shrimp on the barbie?!

altalt. Strewth! Ya flamin galah! Share your tales of alcoholic failings when abroad.
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Tue 26 Jan 2016, 12:03, 67 replies, latest was 9 years ago)

Well that was baby
What's for baby?

I'm off to the baby with the baby and a baby and her baby.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 26 Jan 2016, 10:44, 7 replies, latest was 9 years ago)

Hi! It's my Birthday!
Abuse me, suggest a gift, write a poem in my honour, bake me a cake.

THANKS!!!
lolblanked etc.
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 21 Jan 2016, 12:23, 55 replies, latest was 9 years ago)

How was the Chinese last night Stunned?
Favourite takeaway!

And are you a creature of ordering habit or do you vary what you get?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 21 Jan 2016, 10:38, 125 replies, latest was 9 years ago)

I had Merguez lamb sausage tagine with apricot couscous and harissa sauce for lunch
What about you, oh-tee?

Alt: Up to anything this week? I'm off to a concert tonight.

AltAlt: Uh-oh.

What's going to kill you?
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 19 Jan 2016, 13:06, 17 replies, latest was 9 years ago)

I'm dying here, srsly
Suggestions for new QOTW?

Alt: Current favourite TV show? If you don't do anything so common as to watch the television, fuck off what was the last thing you ever watched?
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 18 Jan 2016, 13:59, 19 replies, latest was 9 years ago)

Off Topic - DEAD

( Peej, Thu 14 Jan 2016, 15:48, 13 replies, latest was 9 years ago)

Kids on Twitter are mourning the loss of David Zowie
The guy who brought out that "House Every Weekend" song last year :(
What's the most moronic thing you've read today, apart from this thread?

Alt. What was the last celebrity death that had you feeling all the feels?

Altalt. last thing you watched/read/listened to etc....

or food or something.

Slags.
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Mon 11 Jan 2016, 16:24, 73 replies, latest was 9 years ago)

Poor mcbeef.
Bowie has gone to live with the Starman.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 11 Jan 2016, 7:07, 84 replies, latest was 9 years ago)

poor old yeti, still engaged in his bullying campaign :'(

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Sun 10 Jan 2016, 21:49, Reply)

Isn't it gr8 to be back at work again?
Alt: I saw my first dead body just before Christmas.
What did you see for the first time just before Christmas

Alt to the alt: Or, if that is too specific, have you ever seen a dead body?
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 4 Jan 2016, 9:54, 122 replies, latest was 9 years ago)

R.I.P Lemmy. Out of Motorhead, not the budgie.

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 29 Dec 2015, 1:13, 49 replies, latest was 9 years ago)

Aa, muddy funsters
Did you all eat too much and drink like tramps over Christmas? Excellent. Any New Year's resolutions worth mentioning?
( .Yeti., Mon 28 Dec 2015, 7:43, 40 replies, latest was 9 years ago)

Afternoon
Still no "you can go home at 2" email, I'm starting to worry. I'm running out of entertaining youtube videos.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 24 Dec 2015, 12:21, 28 replies, latest was 9 years ago)

I smoke the mic like weed.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 22 Dec 2015, 7:17, 19 replies, latest was 9 years ago)

Next: white people food.
Go!
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 18 Dec 2015, 13:25, 26 replies, latest was 9 years ago)

I was considering donating my body to medical science when I die.
Thus removing the need for a funeral, etc.
What are YOUR plans for death?

HO HO HO!!!

alt. Any exciting evening plans?
altalt. When do you break up for chrimblepoppymuspoos?
Im in til the 23rd :(
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Tue 15 Dec 2015, 17:36, 147 replies, latest was 9 years ago)

Do you dislike something that is otherwise universally popular?
Feel free to list below. Or don't. It's not like I really give a shit what you think.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 4 Dec 2015, 14:37, 68 replies, latest was 9 years ago)

MONDAY.

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Mon 30 Nov 2015, 7:57, 75 replies, latest was 9 years ago)

Isn't it time the government listened to the people about the effect that immigration is having in changing our communities?
The government haven't got a clue, David Cameron has never been to Barking, if he came they'd be warned in advance and everything would be brushed up. The government need to come and walk through our town and just see how we now live, go back 12 years and it was totally different, now we are the complete minority there and it's just like the most terrible place on earth to live at the moment.
( Peej, Fri 27 Nov 2015, 13:35, 28 replies, latest was 9 years ago)

WELL THIS IS GOOD!!
How has Storm Abigail (A BIG GAIL) affected your Friday?
It's a bit nippy oot.

alt. Weekend plans
Ive got mates visiting on Sunday and we're off to see yet another Drag Race Queen. Hangover day Monday.

altalt. Who would YOU kill in a drone strike?
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Fri 13 Nov 2015, 10:33, 89 replies, latest was 9 years ago)

Niggy nigz
Hi al!
Coming to you live from my Samsung phone.
Technical difficulties in the office.
What difficulties are you having this morning?

Alt. Good weekend?
Mine was ok like. Morrissey disco was bizarre.
I only know about 5 Smiths songs.

Altalt. Elevenses. I have a tuna salad

Cheers

Mind the line breaks
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Mon 9 Nov 2015, 11:20, 41 replies, latest was 9 years ago)

Jews y/n

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Sun 8 Nov 2015, 9:03, 2 replies, latest was 9 years ago)

Fantastic day, fantastic. I am making fried chicken for tea, oh boy can't wait.
New Margaret Atwood to read, sweet.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Wed 4 Nov 2015, 8:06, 39 replies, latest was 9 years ago)

Elevenses thread
I've just stuffed myself with a pile of baklava and now I'm too full to bother with work.
Why are you a workshy cunt?

Alt: The yurtsmiths have nearly completed album number two and it might get released sometime in 2016.
What have you got coming up, to look forward to in your lives?
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 3 Nov 2015, 11:36, 65 replies, latest was 9 years ago)

So come on, how many of you logged in, only to see a dozer 'alright' thread and decided to log off and do something less boring instead?
Alt: What do you want for Christmas?
You can't all have my mum, the woman is getting on a bit now and I need her to make my Christmas lunch.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 2 Nov 2015, 8:42, 76 replies, latest was 9 years ago)

If you had seexwith someones

(Oooh_cuntroversial Where have I been?, Sat 31 Oct 2015, 0:57, 2 replies, latest was 9 years ago)

Prandial round table
This is where you talk about what's on the menu this lunchtime, or make up some creative bollocks like you're having grilled peacock and cactus chips hand-cut by Heston Blumenthal's Christmas elves.

I'm having chicken livers fried in schmaltz with gherkins, grated carrot and tabbouleh. Channelling my inner Jew today.
( .Yeti., Fri 30 Oct 2015, 12:34, 65 replies, latest was 9 years ago)

I am up considerably earlier than yaow.

( .Yeti., Wed 28 Oct 2015, 7:30, 62 replies, latest was 9 years ago)

THE NORTH - A REFLECTION ON NORTHERN ENGLAND BY DAVID PAULSNAKE
Cobbled streets and flat caps?
Fashionable in the North

Granary, barms and floured baps?
Fine dining in the North

Outside toilets, shit in bags?
Unsanitary in the North

General intolerance of fags?
Homophobic in the North

Why is it so shit up here?
Everywhere in the North

People living like yesteryear?
History in the North

Supping pints of crappy 'mild'?
Lager for the North

Most street corners coal is piled?
Heating in the North

Riding around in a horse and cart?
Black cabs for the North

Background odours like a fart?
Fresh air in the North

It's fucking bent and shit and gay
I'm getting the next train home today
So now all I have left so say
Tools down, fuck you, The North.





( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Sun 25 Oct 2015, 7:18, 27 replies, latest was 9 years ago)

Tickety Brew Brewery bottled beers are excellent and it's a pity that they will be lumped with the craft beer wankers.

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Sat 24 Oct 2015, 17:21, 68 replies, latest was 9 years ago)

You're a cunt

( mr horrible up yours, dickface, Thu 22 Oct 2015, 7:59, 37 replies, latest was 9 years ago)

'Literally anything else' thread just for everyone else.
Dozer is a prick, Baggsy isn't funny, Jaysum is a potato.

Which posters do you think are pricks/unfunny/potatoes? You can't say 'tangledupinblue'.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 21 Oct 2015, 15:51, 55 replies, latest was 9 years ago)

alright

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 20 Oct 2015, 13:31, 1 reply, 9 years ago)

Suspicious
This morning I crossed paths with a blind man and his white cane, and I could have sworn he raised his eyes and looked at me as he walked past. Then, barely a quarter of an hour later, I encountered another blind man and his white cane who did exactly the same thing. This has never happened to me before. I'm probably going menkle or something.

Alt: winter recipes/cocktails
( .Yeti., Tue 20 Oct 2015, 7:51, 49 replies, latest was 9 years ago)

HEY AGNOSTIC ANTICHRIST, TIME TO WAKE UP!

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 30 Sep 2015, 13:29, 43 replies, latest was 9 years ago)

If you lived
in /OT Street,
Here are the people
you could meet:

tumbleweeds
( .Yeti., Tue 8 Sep 2015, 8:05, 85 replies, latest was 9 years ago)

afternoon

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Fri 24 Jul 2015, 12:18, 23 replies, latest was 9 years ago)

Local words
After Jay used Scotch Mist, what are the "local" words you use?

Alt:
Friday afternoon entertainment
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 3 Jul 2015, 13:44, 86 replies, latest was 10 years ago)

Gay divorce y/n

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Sat 27 Jun 2015, 18:11, 27 replies, latest was 10 years ago)

I'm going home in a bit.
What are you doing in a bit?

Alt: Favourite Spice Girls song?
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 5 Jun 2015, 15:16, 184 replies, latest was 10 years ago)

Good Afternoon
Almost lunch for me. what did you all have?
Im having chicken curry soup.
alt. what was the last injury you had? I sprained my ankle joggin. Fatty fatty fat fat.
altalt. Anything on the weekend horizon already? Im going to see the Avengers on sat evening in 3d D box seats and Sunday it's date number 2
No, NOT THAT NUMBER 2!!!!

altaltalt. what's bugging you today?
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Tue 21 Apr 2015, 15:24, 95 replies, latest was 10 years ago)

New QOTW up
Here
( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 19 Mar 2015, 19:09, 18 replies, latest was 10 years ago)

Emvee is a cunt thread

( Peej, Wed 4 Mar 2015, 15:52, Reply)

RIGHT IN THE BLOWHOLE
www.donotlink.com/dj4y

When did YOU last make a feeble excuse for your iffy behaviour?
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 5 Feb 2015, 7:12, 5 replies, latest was 10 years ago)

This 'ere siege in Sydney
Those twats have been holding innocent customers prisoner in a Lindt Café for hours and I have yet to see a single mention of "releasing the chocolate hostages".
( .Yeti., Mon 15 Dec 2014, 11:57, 34 replies, latest was 10 years ago)

morning

( mr horrible up yours, dickface, Tue 18 Nov 2014, 7:55, 39 replies, latest was 10 years ago)

I'm sure there's tons of intersting stuff in that last thread but I can't be arsed reading it
What can't you be arsed with?

alt if you take stuff into work with you, like sarnies or anti-retardation pills, at what point is it unacceptable to use a rucksack and when should you really be using a briefcase instead? Or is an Aldi bag alright?

alt2 What annual would you like for Xmas this year?
(Xav loves PhillieJoe, Wed 29 Oct 2014, 12:44, 114 replies, latest was 10 years ago)

Well this is good!!!
Well, Im officially not liking being back on the dating scene. It's all about separating the wheat from the chavs.
Give us your best/worst dating experiences.
What would your ideal date be?
(Yes Im using you for market research)

alt. Favourite toy/game as a kid or best present you ever got
altalt lunch or saink, you fat pigs.
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 2 Oct 2014, 12:22, 174 replies, latest was 10 years ago)

Spot of Help Required
Hi there qotw board.

Would one of you Londoners mind popping round County Kilburn and checking if Battered is still alive or if he's necked himself? Me and his Mum would do it, but the weightlifting is on the telly (well to be honest we hate the cunt more than he does himself). Please hide any strong weed if you have to call the coppers.

Ta.
(Bum Bag Fashion Boy Burned a home made pizza on, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 10:47, 8 replies, latest was 10 years ago)

I think UKIP's PR problems could be solved with a catchy slogan everyone can get behind
How about "Wipe until you see blood" ? Hard to argue with that.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Sat 24 May 2014, 0:10, 51 replies, latest was 11 years ago)

Hair
I'm going for my first haircut of the year in a bit.
Haha how about you post some hilarious suggestions for what I could have done?

Alt: Worst hairstyle you ever had? Pics please.

Altalt: Is this really the dawning of the age of Aquarius? And where the fuck is Frank Mills?
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 7 May 2014, 11:01, 113 replies, latest was 11 years ago)

naked ape touches kids on the cunt

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 4 Mar 2014, 13:12, 47 replies, latest was 11 years ago)

naked ape touches kids on the cunt

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Sat 1 Mar 2014, 9:39, 29 replies, latest was 11 years ago)

hahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahaha


yeah
(Sebastian Dried-on excreta bull goose loony, silverback shitposting alpha, Sat 25 Jan 2014, 14:10, 3 replies, latest was 11 years ago)

lol yeah hahahahaha

(Sebastian Dried-on excreta bull goose loony, silverback shitposting alpha, Sat 25 Jan 2014, 6:39, 3 replies, latest was 11 years ago)

( Peej, Tue 21 Jan 2014, 14:36, 96 replies, latest was 11 years ago)

yeah hahahahahaha
hahahaaaaaahahahaha yeah

yeah



hahahahahahahahahahahahaa
(Sebastian Dried-on excreta bull goose loony, silverback shitposting alpha, Sun 12 Jan 2014, 15:31, 1 reply, 11 years ago)

Many thanks to Battered for getting me to register with Mumsnet, had an entertaining few sessions on there.
This isn't me by the way, honest.
metro.co.uk/2014/01/11/mumsnet-sheffield-guy-looking-for-sex-angers-hundreds-of-women-4258404/
What b3tan do you want to thank and buy a beer for?
(DBT became a fruitarian on, Sat 11 Jan 2014, 10:36, 52 replies, latest was 11 years ago)

Whilst it is the season of goodwill to all...
Al is a cunt.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 24 Dec 2013, 13:00, 19 replies, latest was 11 years ago)

hey let's paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaartay

(Sebastian Dried-on excreta bull goose loony, silverback shitposting alpha, Sat 21 Dec 2013, 15:48, 1 reply, 11 years ago)

Alroght?

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 19 Dec 2013, 21:25, 4 replies, latest was 11 years ago)

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Wed 18 Dec 2013, 21:21, Reply)

You are all shit at this whole Internet thing.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 30 Oct 2013, 16:23, 67 replies, latest was 11 years ago)

tl;dr
Alright you cunts?

I'm really, really not.

After GJ's thread last night I've been thinking about my favourite record sleeves and it's been cheering me up a bit, now I'm wondering about what might be the worst one in my collection. I have a 'Best of the Yardbirds' one which is fucking toss, it's a painting of some birds. In a yard. Equally poor is Little Feat's 'Dixie Chicken' which is just an embarrassment. Whoever signed that off is a prick.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 9 Oct 2013, 16:48, 145 replies, latest was 11 years ago)

Bit wanky to rely on, if it's not police standard.
www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-24021072
My gym uses fingerprint login, they're shite. Usually queues of people waiting to be waved through. What else is unreliable? Apart form YM, obvs.
(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 20:00, 195 replies, latest was 11 years ago)

National Service anyone?
I assume most here are either too old, or will be if and when it comes in.
www.publications.parliament.uk/pa/bills/cbill/2013-2014/0032/cbill_2013-20140032_en_2.htm#l1g1
To be fair, it isn't just marching up and down, being shouted at by some cunt, a la Lads' Army style, there is an element of choice.
Good, bad or indifferent?
(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Tue 10 Sep 2013, 16:14, 124 replies, latest was 11 years ago)

Hiya kids - over here!! Coo-ee!!!! That's right, it's me!! You know, Monty? Off the internet?
No?

Please yourselves, you fucking bunch of wankers.

I wonder what Nigel Farage is up to this weekend.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 26 Jul 2013, 14:04, 117 replies, latest was 11 years ago)

Morning all
Ended up camping out in Lusty's folks' garden. Hurricane lamps, fairy lights in the trees, bbq. I don't think I have ever seen my kid having such a good time. At one point she asked 'is this real'?

You can shove your iPads up your fucking arses. A campfire and toasted marshmallows is what you want.

What are you up to today?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Sun 21 Jul 2013, 10:07, 76 replies, latest was 11 years ago)

Hodor

(how long does it take to delete an account anyway? Hail Frog! Hail Frog! Hail Frog! Hail Frog! Hail Frog! Hail Frog! Hail Frog! Hail Frog! Hail Frog! Hail Frog! Hail Frog! Hail Frog! Hail Frog! Hail F, Tue 16 Jul 2013, 9:18, 55 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Would anyone like to sign this nice petition?
epetitions.direct.gov.uk/petitions/48628

Apparently if it gets 100,000 petitions then the MOJ's proposals regarding Legal Aid may be debated in the commons. This is a good thing becuase until now they have not, and the proposals can be brought into force without this happening.

I should point out that the proposals have received universal condemnation from the Legal Profession, and a large number of other groups (charities, judges etc.) who don't have any financial interest in the outcome.

I am happy to discuss the proposals in more detail if people would like. You can read what I think about them here:
www.b3ta.com/links/1010347
( WormuIus, Thu 13 Jun 2013, 16:22, 121 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGMMMMMMMMMMNNNNNNNNNNNNN

(_Battered_, Thu 16 May 2013, 10:18, 21 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Anyone seen gobbo?
On hollyoaks, tell him to watch the +1 one on E4 today and pause it for a few seconds. There's a bit where you can see Shinade's white knickers. Right up her fanny. It's proper good.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 26 Apr 2013, 19:10, 79 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Regarding images
This website was built on CDC's. Admittedly some people got a little carried away reposting the same image last night.

B3th I feel a bit sorry for you, people moan to you about things that you clearly can't influence. Contact Rob. If you can't get hold of him then ask another mod to contact him on your behalf.

Chompy Stop moaning. The site functionality supports images. If that is going to get you in to trouble at work then don't waste work time on /OT.

Dozer Try being original instead of copying other people's images and taking things too far.

Frank Check 'em.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 22 Apr 2013, 12:51, 62 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

just nipping to the shops before they close

(King Zog of Albania lives in Kensington, Wed 17 Apr 2013, 18:43, 18 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Benefits... How do I get some?
Now playing: Patti Smith - Free Money
(Elephant Balderdash attempting to bottle the absurd, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 18:43, 13 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Righto.
I'm going to 'Infest' this weekend. I've vajazzled my poo-hole, sequinned my 'flesh tunnels' and I've bought myself two litres of amyl nitrate ready to see 'Impotent Rage', 'Screaming Tantrum' and 'Disappointing Mock Results but we hope he'll grow out of it'. Do you have any festival tips you could share?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 27 Mar 2013, 9:52, 123 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

BBC Scotland reporter Chick Young on BBC Sportsound:
"A supporter breached the first line of security at the final whistle and started waving his ticket at Gordon Strachan saying he had paid £30 and had to watch that. He was a big lad and took around four or five stewards to take him down."

I hadn't realised B3th had gone to the game.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 22 Mar 2013, 22:35, 8 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Edited at the request of a mod who gave me a quick stepping.
Sorry Kenny. Sorry Jess.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 19 Mar 2013, 22:21, 6 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Right you dobbers and prannies, here's another thread.
Just to stop Chomp pooing his knickers and deleting.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 13 Mar 2013, 15:52, 167 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

AL IS A CUNT

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 19:36, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

alright

( Sir Sand GOBLIN ^popular page dis, Sat 2 Mar 2013, 17:22, 54 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sat 2 Mar 2013, 12:21, 16 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 4 Feb 2013, 11:04, 8 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Lokesy grunted like a mentally retarded Sasquatch, and ran his gargantuan palm over his bread-like forehead in puzzlement.
As he did so, vast flakes of greasy skin cascaded to the ground like an avalanche of stale baguettes, the impact from which caused a minor tsunami to ripple across Asia. As his flid-like brain struggled to compute even the most basic of notions, his pork-suitcase tongue flopped out of the corner of his blubbery-lipped mouth, sending a torrent of sputum which flooded half of Warwickshire.

He knew something wasn’t right with the thread he started but his lumbering, Deacon-like brain was not up to the task of identifying what it was. His tortured, saggy anus let rip a rasping, sopping wet shit-filled guff that pebbledashed the inside of his greying Asda pants for the third time that morning.

Suddenly the Bisto-like clarity of his miniscule, simian mind parted, and realisation dawned: he hadn’t even asked a fucking question. Lokesy, you prick, he thought to himself, you truly are worse than Nakers.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 8 Jan 2013, 13:05, 111 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

New thread!
So have you ever done that thing where you go round to fix the combi boiler at a bored housewifes house and she becomes very sexually explicit?

Alt: Are the BBC making news in their own office purely because they can't be arsed going outside to do some reporting?
(PsychoChomp, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 10:42, 131 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Lloyds bank has "fallen over" in the technical jargon
www.telegraph.co.uk/finance/personalfinance/consumertips/banking/9590028/Lloyds-crash-leaves-millions-without-access-to-cash.html

so if you bank with them good luck getting any cash tonight.

Why is everyone who works in IT incompitent?
(PsychoChomp, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 15:41, 151 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Evening you pox marked ninny hammers
soooo...what's up?
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 6 Sep 2012, 19:44, 102 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Meeejia Thread
How's your media concumption? seen/read/heard/whatever any good books/film/telly/music that you would like to share with the rest of the class?

I fancy a mojito soooo bad right now.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 14:23, 58 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

It's ok swipe, come and play in here. Chompy is a meanie.
Q: would you like a puppy?

I think chomp has ignored me.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 2 Aug 2012, 16:12, 126 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

SHOUTING.
I instigated a full-blown shouted argument with a customer of mine at 8:59 this morning. I am still fucking livid at the slanderous cunt. But generally I'm not one of life's shouters.

Are you? If so, do you do so as a technique to get what you want (as my ghastly prole of a boss does) or do you lose control and can't help it?

There was a hilarious dunce on the tube last night who was being absolutely destroyed at full volume by his girlfriend. We heard it all, including how his mum wouldn't post bail for him and how he was going straight to 'Scrubs' for 18 months, out in nine but he wasn' bothered. She countered this by saying he was a 'dick' who needed to 'man up' and suggested prison might help with this. It was v LOL.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 31 Jul 2012, 9:56, 116 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Well that was epically nonce, wasn't it?
You bunch of cocking flidmoes.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 26 Jul 2012, 12:29, 89 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

So, Psychochomp is a little whiny bitch.
Or is he?

Tell us your Chompy related tales.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 24 Jul 2012, 15:49, 167 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

So.....sausages, eh? I mean, do wot, turn it up, eh?
According to some flid on the internet, the health risks of loneliness are comparable to that of smoking and worse than those of obesity. Surely that's bollocks. How many people do you know who've had heart attacks or lungs removed because they haven't got any friends?

www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-18737560

If it's true, you losers are all gon' dahhh real soon. Are you scared?

Alt: Cock-ends
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 10:21, 214 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

Tonight I will be appearing on Tellyboxes in a piece of hard-hitting Investigative Journalism.
When have you been on the TV?

Alt: Don't you know who I am?
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Wed 23 May 2012, 14:14, 159 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

im seeing a lot of this gay stuff floating about on here
You load of quenders
Tell us about your fag hag/beard/fairy best friend
( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 11 May 2012, 19:30, 44 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

long thread is long
so on the back of kristine wanting me to buy her an ipod, what would you want a fellow b3tan to do for you, or to buy you?

alt: what would you say is your finest feature, cleverest skill, or USP?

altalt: go on then... lunch? i am thinking fire roasted pepper and goats cheese soup from EAT.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 11:32, 127 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

g'noon.
word up?
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sat 31 Mar 2012, 17:53, 69 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

Much as I love 'rebranding stories', that moribund thread had to be put out of its not inconsiderable misery.
It's the weekend, gaylords. What are you up to? It's supposed to be jolly pleasant weather in London so I'll be taking advantage of that, hopefully.

Alt: TOPICAL DISCUSSION. Minimum booze prices - surely this will do fuck all to curb our three thousand year old Northern European drinking culture? Are these people fucking stupid?

Alt alt: Imagine there's no heaven, it's easy if you try. No people below us, above it's only sky. Now imagine me, bollock deep in your highly-appreciative dad's anus. He loves it - YOU love it. Your whole family are fucking revolting deviants. I hate you.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 23 Mar 2012, 9:21, 199 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

Shitty private schools
My missus works at a private school where it cost something like £15,000 per year for a child to attend.

Last week the colour copier in the infants was disabled by management because "they are making too many colour copies". This is shitty because the little kids don't use textbooks so the teachers need to make them handouts etc. and when you're learning about the basics (see Spot's ball - the ball is red!), then colour really helps.

The thing I don't get is that the management is basically saying that they're spending too much money on their pupil's education, which is kind of the point of a school. If I was a hard-nosed businessman it makes perfect sense: there are too few schools compared to the number of applicants they get each year so they can abuse their position as much as they like.

As far as I can tell, the parents know nothing.

Is it like this in other private schools? And how best to get a message out to the parents anonymously?

Alt Q: I'm reading the "Red Mars" series right now and loving it, what else would I like?

EDIT: This isn't the first time they've implemented some new rule which makes teaching the kids harder and just makes them more money.
(Shippy likes linebreaks and doesn't care what you think, Wed 7 Mar 2012, 9:13, 111 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

I'm off out to see rave legends and Hoxton off-license owners The Ragga Twins this evening.
What're you doing?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 10 Feb 2012, 16:57, 152 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

Anyone who mentions the snow today is a fucking cunt.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Sun 5 Feb 2012, 8:26, 17 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

Macchu Picchu!
I was out last night and there was a young snot who had recently been traveling who insisted telling everyone all about it, unbidden. I was an awful cunt and said I'd been everywhere he had but I did it all better.

Have you travelled? Where you been?

Alt: have you five skinned anyone because they were getting on your tits?
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 11:17, 168 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

Good morning my little fat fighters.
How's life away from the fridge?
( girlinthehole, Fri 20 Jan 2012, 8:24, 203 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

Morning. Advice request.
According to the ruler of the internet, I am an unpleasant and unhappy person. That doesn't really sound like something I want to be. Any tips on not being an unpleasant and unhappy person? Thanks. Kiss kiss. No you hang up first. No you. No you. Kiss kiss.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 19 Jan 2012, 9:24, 228 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

CRAFT CORNER
I have recently discovered that I am not half bad (if you will pardon my immodesty) at millinery for children. I shall attach a pic in replies forthwith for you to judge for yourselves). What about you?

Are you a crafty type (I am leaving this open for LOLarious 'mis' interpretations, for those desperate to garner a reputation as an 'online comedian')? Or are you a ham-fisted cuntface? I am completely shit at DIY/painting & decorating but quite good at musical things and drawing. Make of that what you will.

Alt: why are you SO FUCKING ANNOYING?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 24 Oct 2011, 16:51, 105 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

So I hear you're all a bunch of drug-addled wankers who ruin social events for everyone else.
Care to respond to these allegations?
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Sun 2 Oct 2011, 14:03, 206 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

Anyone up for a bit of work? We got some going and I know a few people are always on the look out.
Work: Data entry in regards to bikes on a new website, mostly removing duplicates.
Time: 9-5, Thurs 8th, Fri 9th and mon-friday next week.
Cash: £10/hour
Where: Farringdon (EC1)

Gaz me for any more details. It's a good foot-in-the-door for a totally awesome sports media company too.

Please popular page this. No mongs.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 6 Sep 2011, 16:54, 81 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

this is quite amusing...
www.foxnewsuk.com/
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 13 Jul 2011, 23:15, 12 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

PUN THREAD
Today I've chosen, bands/songs about PsychoChomp.
I'll start

Nude Kids on the cock
( WormuIus, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 15:07, 75 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Yeah alright whatever
This weekend is the End of the WORLD!!!!!!

What will you do to celebrate?
Shag your sister?
Throw some kittens through a window?
Leave your mums basement to see the sun for the first time in ten years?
( Lisette von Falcon, Thu 19 May 2011, 18:10, 89 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Good morning.
I went to see The Jim Jones Revue last night (it was, of course, fucking superb). I turned to Lusty and one point and remarked 'what a showman' as Jones took to the speaker stacks. Unfortunately this was clearly not adequately conveyed because she turned to me in horror and said 'WHAT? You want to shag him?'. Err, no thanks.

I thought it was funny, anyway. The weekend is nearly upon us - what are you doing? I have my meeting with ex re overnight visits and my mother's 60th on Sunday, which I am expecting to be either cancelled or completely pointless, but we shall see...

Alt: what the fuck is wrong with you?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Apr 2011, 8:31, 282 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

so apparently Royal Mail have to shred 25 million letters a year because people are too stupid to put the right address on the envelope
Apparently, something like 'Mr Davies, Manchester' isn't quite enough detail.

What's the most exciting thing you've ever sent / been sent in the mail?

Alt: food, or something?
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 22 Mar 2011, 11:48, 142 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

I sent my brother my Rentaghost porn, and he has replied:
'Harold Meaker tossed and turned in his sleep, it was almost as though there was someone else in the room, nay, within the very Meaker bed itself,...a strange ghostly presence...the like of which he had not sensed since his Fukushima curry two weeks previously had re-manifested itself at the foot of the bed, clad only in a spectral white sheet and the scent of the grave...Mr Davenport, he had thought at the time, you go too far sir! but 'too far' was only just an entree for Claypole's current ghostly antics, as he eagerly vaulted his way into Ethel's cobweb strewn alleyway, she dressed in her virginal nylon nightgown, and he with his strangely glowing protrusion jutting forth into her dank rotten fold...Ethel grunted her delight..Claypole sensed he could go for the double, and rolled Harold over...shooting him swiftly in the eye in a Bayeaux Travesty of normal love...Meaker grunted his dismay...'
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 14:30, 92 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

I found a machilan guide french resturant and deli on the way home from work....
Oh Em ____GEE____, that was so fucking lush. Fois Gras Mouse, Chilli Jelly, [a really strong tasting canonbear like cheese], and fresh crusty-ousidide-soft-inside bread.

And some piquant peppers and sundried tomartos.

Amazing.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 17 Mar 2011, 20:42, 98 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

The cuntish jibes in QOTW answers.
There used to be a time where twats were slammed.

I've got rather bored of the charver-esque "responses" that some members of this site seem to think are acceptable, and that - to some extent - is why I started to come here less often.

Take this tosser for example. b3ta.com/users/searchposts.php?id=40036&board=qotw
I've tried to find something in that long list of humourless abuse that actually GAVE something of used.... and failed.

As such I've noted down my thoughts on it in the answers to this.
b3ta.com/questions/diysurgery/post1056540

Am I wrong? is this useless bile-filled twat a valued member of this society in some twisted way that I've overlooked?
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Thu 27 Jan 2011, 9:57, 226 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

I've had some chicken.
What have you had and what are you doing this evening?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 19:42, 125 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Alright?

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sun 2 Jan 2011, 19:15, 7 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

I'm away soon to my parents for christmas.
Everyone have a lovely time and we can compare waistlines next week.

Bye X
( girlinthehole, Fri 24 Dec 2010, 13:25, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

I'm watching Noel's Christmas Presents
And I'm in danger of getting misty-eyed.

Just to be clear, I still hate Christmas.

What sets you off blubbing?

Alt: Does me watching 'Noel's Christmas Presents' make me a massive bumder?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 19 Dec 2010, 18:22, 101 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Where the hell is everybody?
I'm starting a generic evening thread, that should draw out some lurkers

What's your most recent win?
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 21:12, 45 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

INTERESTING FACTS!!!
Andrew Lincoln who played Egg in TV's This Life, and who is the lead in new show The Walking Dead, was born with the surname Clutterbuck and he is married to the daughter of the singer from Jethro Tull.

How very interesting!

Share facts. DO IT NOW!
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 8 Nov 2010, 20:21, 37 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Bash!
Top thing about the bash: hugs.
( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Sat 23 Oct 2010, 4:38, 28 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

I'm at the bash.
I owe psychochomp a drink.
Nice cakes LAAK.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 22 Oct 2010, 23:24, 11 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Silly Joke Thread!
What's the difference between a Kangeroo and a Kangeroot?

One's a Marsupial, the other's a Geordie stuck in a lift.

Your turn.

Alt Q: "I'm getting drunk tonight, fuck you." What were the last words you said to your boss?
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 14:23, 148 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

So tired
Nightmares, coughing fits, dreams about my calamitous ex and finally insomnia at 3am.
However, I'm still in a relatively good mood, I have coffee, and I'm off tomorrow.

What keeps you wading through the shit?
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 7:47, 159 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

I've just heard that one of the boys I know from Uni has just started an 'Atheism society'
Being somewhat older than the typical student, at 24, I don't share his belief that it's "a bold statement against an institutionalized, archaic belief system" - I just think it's a bit wanky and pretentious. Besides, what are they going to discuss? "There's no God" "Yep, pretty much" "I agree" "Right then...has anyone brought biscuits?" Am I wrong to think so - is it a worthwhile statement to be making?

Alt Q: Can anyone come up with any decent 'Atheist' hymns for them to sing?
(Godwin's Lawyer is more evil than Hitler, Wed 1 Sep 2010, 13:31, 265 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!
PHOTOSHOP YOU CUNT!
( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Wed 11 Aug 2010, 16:10, 124 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Roger is Monty' s Dad
I swear.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 17:45, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

All hail Donkey gums
Creator of the rapey-squid
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Tue 20 Jul 2010, 15:20, 254 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

I can't be bothered reading through the previous threads
Escpecially Foxtrots which seems especially gay.

Today I spent about 15 minutes wondering if the sentence "We have put your order on a euro pallet" should have read "an euro pallet" which follows gramatical rules but sounds worse than saying less people care about the fewer/less debate every day.
Monty I await your imput as you are the only person I can vaguely stand ranting about this kind of thing.

So if you're not Monty, and the chances are high, you can either do your best Monty impression (or anyone else for that matter, go nuts) or you can play the game "who cares" where you say something and we see if anyone cares
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 12:56, 232 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

What I want to know is -
during al's wedding, in the bit where they do the "if anyone knows of any reason why these two should not be joined in holy matrimony..." did al's gay bike burst through the door and wheelie down the aisle before braking to a stop by the altar and then did al get on the bike and ride off into the sunset through the church doors and are they now finally happy together in a world that judges their two-wheeled love?
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 12 Jul 2010, 9:52, 15 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

And it begins.
Raoul Moat's just put his car up for sale. Word is he only want coppers for it.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 7 Jul 2010, 22:35, 5 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

How in the flipping fuck did humans as a species...
end up working 5 days on and 2 days off? something is fundamentally wrong here!!! how did this happen??? Life shouldnt be like this!!! I just want to have fun and learn cool stuff all the time. Excel should not be part of my vocabulary.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 11:42, 64 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Do I really want to sort this out ? DILEMMA.
About 6 months ago I was in my local, which I use most days, talking the usual shite. My (very vain) mate Tim (who I thought was a mate) and I were talking about what we had done that day - he is a house husband and I run a very difficult business. (think EU bollocks preventing me from earning any money) So after he'd taken the piss out of the fact I have a cleaner every week and built upon that as to how lazy I was, I then asked him what he had done that day. Response was that he'd done some washing cleaning and ironing, "something that was beyond me" (i.e taking the piss) and that he'd been to the dentist. I immediately said to him "what - to have your teeth whitened" to which he took very big umbridge to and proceeded to get extremely annoyed that I had said it in front of his friends.

I dont give a fuck about his teeth or his whitening, but his last words to me were :

"YOU'D BETTER GIVE ME A WIDE BERTH WHEN YOU COME HERE NEXT TIME"

So - guess what ?

I HAVE.

Now, every time I approach the pub he leaves. He is an ex-policeman (traffic) and used to continually ask questions about my lifestyle etc etc, but was amusing, so, do I try and make it up with him or come to an agreement and talk ?

My husband says its silly and we should make up but the bloke is really a complete cunt and i cant be doing with it. However, the other regulars are beginning to ask why he leaves when I arrive and its such a close community in there its a tad difficult not to get on with someone.

Advice ? (I think I know the answers...........) !!!!
( Tiggy the diver, Tue 29 Jun 2010, 22:40, 50 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Beekers just bought non alcoholic lager for a bash.
What a collosal bell end. But we love him anyway.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Sat 26 Jun 2010, 19:44, 5 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Quote from the 1st night of the blousie/bk bash
"the difference between 9/11 and piston.broke's standup is that piston didn't bring the house down" - Boss Keloid
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 20:50, 11 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Just received this by text, made me laugh anyway
And so at Wimbledon, the Isner vs. Mahut match breaks every record, except 'number of balls hit in one day'. That record is still held by Katie Price's chin
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 9:02, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

You lot obviously haven't been clicking my posts enough
Because I just became an uncle for the third time.
Little boy, not sure how much he weighed yet, born by c-section because he got his umbillical cord wrapped around his neck, and they're going to name him something greek that sounds like arsepit or something.

Fingers crossed for a bit of cot death, or maybe shaken baby syndrome
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 11 Jun 2010, 19:59, 15 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

I've just been listening to something very odd....
The electrician who is in to fix the god-awful wiring in my house just started humming to something that sounds like Poker Face by the equally god-awful Lady Gaga.

The plumber who has (as far as I can tell) never met the electrician before joined in with the humming and the occasional "pe-pe-pe-pe-pok-er face". The whole song ended with the electrician on drums (a bucket and plank of wood) and the plumber enthusiastically singing into a screwdriver.

What weird things have you listened to lately???
(one-winged-angel-616 isn't as depressed as she sounds, Fri 11 Jun 2010, 13:16, 8 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

I've got a link for you
www.google.co.uk/
(PsychoChomp, Fri 21 May 2010, 16:07, 12 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Favourite song lyrics, but replace one crucial lyric with the word cock
Go
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Thu 20 May 2010, 16:03, 236 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

What the shuddering fuck?
www.thisislincolnshire.co.uk/news/Mum-died-doctors-failed-spot-toilet-brush-handle-embedded-buttock/article-2174279-detail/article.html

this should really be in a take a break style mag, surely?

question - what is your favourite bathroom utensil? my parents have a metal bog roll holder* in the shape of a devil, I've asked for it to a named item to be left to me in their wills.

*the holder, not the bog roll, is metal, pedants.
( ascorbate, Wed 19 May 2010, 13:26, 52 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

I just put xubuntu linux on my old PC
its the only way to get anything good out of 256K. It comes with an IRC client. As a long time Microsoft user this is new to me. I was wondering if anyone had any tips for getting the most out of this?
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Mon 3 May 2010, 11:21, 4 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

OMG! It's totally St Georges Day today
Happy St Georges day to all you English b3tans. The rest of you dirty forrins can fuck off.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 23 Apr 2010, 9:03, 20 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Joke of the day
Yo Mamma's so fat, when they cremated her the resulting ash cloud grounded UK flights for a week

What else has tickled you lately?

And yes, I realise that by the inclusion of the word "else" above I'm assuming that you laughed as hard at that joke as I did
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 20 Apr 2010, 14:11, 74 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Threadrush!
www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/7585500/Family-on-42000-a-year-benefits-because-they-are-better-off-unemployed.html

This is what is currently upsetting my friends via the afternoon email circular.

What's your take?

Alternatively, been sent anything decent via email recently?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 14:13, 118 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

DARTH FOXTROT IS GAY
Mwahahaha!
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 8:06, 13 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

All hail the good and mighty Cr3
This fine b3tard has just given me a leg-up over the work fire-wall after some scrote put razor-wire over the top. He provided a ladder, grapnel, rope, blankets to put over the razor-wire and even an old mattress so that the drop down the other side was comfortable.

Hats off to that man - I was b3ta-less for less than a day.

So, if you could have two scoops of any flavour ice-cream, what would you choose? Me: prunes with Armagnac and cantaloupe melon.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 10:09, 135 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

What have you bought lately that you thought was a bargain but turned out not to be?
I bought catfood in bulk.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Sat 3 Apr 2010, 13:11, 7 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Well, last night was fun. Or, WANKING GRANNIES!
On a rare night out, we went to see a local band that we try and see on a regular basis (although it's about ten months since we last saw them). The venue was a new one for them, a small pub in the country, but only a twenty minute drive from us. This band does mostly pop/rock covers (but a good mix - stuff from Erasure to Buzzcocks to Black Sabbath), but with a twist - on a lot of their set list, the lead guitar gets put to one side in favour of a cello. Believe me, Sabbath's 'Paranoid' done with a cello works - it shouldn't, but it does.

(For a couple of samples of stuff done on the cello, here's Eleanor Rigby and Paint it Black: www.gladstonemusic.com/music.htm)

So, the crowd is appreciative of the band, for most of them it's the first time they've seen them, and they went down a storm. Unfortunately, this was a country pub and the locals were, shall we say, a bit 'colourful'.

The missus was talking to Arty, the cellist, after the gig and he was somewhat perturbed by the fact that, right at the front, was a woman (a mightily pissed woman) with her boyfriend. Nothing unusual in that, you might think. Except, he was almost put off his cello playing by the fact that when he looked up briefly he saw her "having a good old dig at herself". Apparently it nearly put him off his stroke... We later gleaned that this woman was thirty five years old, and a grandmother.

Click "I like this" if the thought of thirty five year old grandmothers having a wank in public appeals to you.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Sun 28 Mar 2010, 19:25, 40 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Oh boy
I fucking LOVE all this new code they've put on the QOTW board. Quick reply and the ability to link to individual posts is ace.

At the risk of sounding like a gushing teenage girl who's just watched a Twilight documentary I would like to say thanks very much to the mods for keeping this site running as well as it does.
(Bazongaloid, Sun 14 Mar 2010, 13:10, 20 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Ooh, lovely new Off Topic code appearing.
You can link to individual posts properly now. Spotted anything else?
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 18:42, 44 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

My first look at off-topic..
Dear Regular Off-Topic Posters,

after noticing some weird overreactions and politics creeping in to QOTW in recent weeks I decided to check out Off-Topic. I can't say I'll be back, the word clique seems to sum it up.
I'm sure you're all nice people, and I very much enjoy your stories in QOTW proper but you're not very nicely behaved in here sadly. It's a very small and relatively insignificant corner of the internet, you can have it all to yourselves, with my sincere blessing.

All the very best,

Finch.
( TheFinch is getting to grips with the complex plane on, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 17:08, 102 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

There we go, rest of QOTW, here's some emo poetry.
My pain knows no bounds, My fears that were lost are now found.
They ask me weekly, something not gloomy, a question of humour,
Their intentions were not of me to speak of my mother's tumour.
They once asked, a story of my favorite telivison loser,
I couldn't think of an awnser, so I recalled my childhood abuser.
He locked me the basement, and fed me on rats brains,
I'm embelishing, but tinned tuna is more or less the same.
Basement is a bit harsh, it's really just my downstairs room,
I only had freeview as they wouldn't shell out for sky multi-room.
I never really got much attention from the oppersite sex,
Turns out nobody gives a fuck the tatto on my bicepts.
Batman's logo is now emblazon'd on my forearm,
I thought "oh well, at least it would be considered geek charm"
But now girls don't want to know me, and neither do my mates,
My gran's my best friend, but at least I'm getting reuglar sex.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 15:18, 8 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Just had my annual appraisal
I used the word "cuntbeak" and the phrase "disconnected nouveau riche smugfuck" in it.

It went rather well!

You lot had appraisals yet?
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 25 Feb 2010, 16:02, 60 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Finally.
I found out today that two of my pieces that were sitting in the gallery for the past six months sold- a dragonfly and a glass-sided box.

Now I can honestly say that I've sold some artwork, such as it is.

Think I'll use the check to buy a good beer. (The check wasn't that big.)
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Sun 14 Feb 2010, 22:27, 10 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

From the Telegraph review (thanks to purpledoris):
'Where is David Bowie when you need him? Arguably the boldest and most creative solo artist in the history of rock, he seems the ideal icon for these uncertain times, the kind of future pop visionary who might bring the blurred possibilities of a disintegrating music culture into sharp focus.'

I'll tell you where he is: hanging, twitching from a length of electrical cable in a fume-filled lockup in the East End.

If only this were true...


EDIT re-reading that, there's one bit I have no argument with: he is indeed the perfect icon for these times: shallow, image and fame obsessed at the expense of quality, really fucking shit and disliked intensely by me.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 5 Feb 2010, 10:34, 30 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

What's the best convenience food you ever had?
I met Ze German in a kebab shop for lunch and we had kebabs - it was superb so I emailed her this after I got back to the office:

"that truly was superb - up there with the best kebabs I have ever had
i just want to go home and talk about it to someone "

She called me a nerd but that's ok - I am a kebab connoisseur, a kebaboisseur if you will. Every country in the world has their own version of kebabs and wherever I am, I insist on finding the best kebab house in town.

I love kebabs.

rafter
baz

ps, it's not fat. It's a surplus of awesome.
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Thu 4 Feb 2010, 16:00, 50 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Am I being intolerant?
I am thinking of killing the jocular tenor in the "Go compare" advert by choking him with the merkat from the "compare the market" advert. It would be a public service.

I refuse to say it would be simples. I fucking hate adds that bore into your brain and leave a huge cancerous turd behind.

How can I learn to ignore this audio pollution?
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Tue 2 Feb 2010, 10:35, 27 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Evening/Morning/Afternoon All
(depending on where you all are)

Have been reading (but too scared to post) for a few years now - aparently OffTopic is the place to be - the other half has raved about it but somehow now seems to be the time to dip one's toe in the water....

So I apologise for the not knowing too much about the established hierarchy etc...
(Baile_Atha_Cliath is new to this b3ta nonsense, Sat 23 Jan 2010, 1:38, 80 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

My question is
Why is it that no matter what the QOTW is SpankyHanky has several interesting sounding stories of crazy, wacky things that have happened to him or his mates? This guy must lead the worlds most interesting life. I'm calling bullshit on everything he has ever said in his entire life.
( Peej, Fri 22 Jan 2010, 11:38, 124 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Hahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahaaha *breathe* hahahahahahahahahahhhhhahahh
www.b3ta.com/questions/anon/post615785
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Jan 2010, 12:54, 15 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

My mother just told me her friend was faceraped.
I expressed appropriate horror only to find out she meant that his Facebook account got hijacked, and when I found out what she meant I couldn't hold the phone as I was laughing so hard. I'm either completely out of the loop when it comes to the lingo or my ma has gone wrong somewhere.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Sat 2 Jan 2010, 19:41, 12 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

RIGHT YOU LOT
I'm off - have a good one....

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 31 Dec 2009, 15:28, 30 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Christians! Old men! Party hats!
While most of you brits are just starting, here in New Zealand, Christmas is already over. Getting drunk was the most rational way to endure it. My whole extended family are christian - virgin birth, 7 day creation christians. This has always been the cause of a little friction - I'm atheist and I don't hide the fact. For me, Christmas is a festival which has been stolen so many times from so many different religions that for any religion to assert ownership of it seems rather arrogant. For my extended family, Christmas celebrates the birth of good old JC.

i'd wondered if it was going to cause problems on Christmas day, and enquired as such to my mum the day before.
"It'll be fine, it's all very low key, those who want to go to church will go, those who don't, won't. There are no obligations in any shape or form."
Which assauged my worries somewhat.

Christmas morning:
9am: Woken up for church. We're not going to church, we're having family church. In the house. in the lounge. As the only atheist, it is conceded that perhaps I don't HAVE to attend. If I'm really sure. But it would be SUCH a lovely time to have the family together. Your Grandmother will be so disappointed. This really is all rather inconvenient, you know. Pointed stares abound. Eventually, my assertations that I would rather drink antifreeze sink in. Of course, this won't stop my grandfather coming to have a chat with me and tell me to "stop being silly about it" and come and join the 'church'.
10am: The bible readings begin. Apparently it would be antisocial for me to tactfully withdraw, but if i were to sit in on the proceedings, that would be rude. So I'm given a couch in the corner to keep me out of the way, but not out of the way enough that anyone has to feel guilty.
10:15am The bible readings begin.
11.15am the songs about Jesus begin.
1pm After a rousing chorus of 'Christ the holy child', lunch is served. Topics of conversation include 'muslims just going back home where they belong', 'people who don't believe in god aren't in the majority so why shouldn't public money be spent in churches?' and the all time favourite 'PC brigade, can't look sideways at a faggot without being carted off but they can do whatever they like to us'.
2pm Party hats are donned.
2.05pm After biting my tongue for most of the day, I venture a suggestion that perhaps we should consider some of these issues from a different perspective. For example, if my grandfather went to Iran, would he find it reasonable to not be allowed to practice Christianity?
2.06pm I'm firmly 'advised' to not speak on such topics because disagreeing is "simply rude"
2.07pm onward: Losing the will to live, I try to remember why I didn't go spend Christmas with somebody - anybody else.

For a day that's supposed to be about peace and love and family, it sure was shit.

Anyone else not quite as cheery for the holiday as Hallmark expects them to be?
(Holy Gabrielle is Holy, Fri 25 Dec 2009, 10:40, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

ITS FUCKING SNOWING
I fucking love snow. and its proper crunchy snow as well that sticks properly. The missus is in bed ill, i've been out with the lad in the pram - his first snow! Ive helped an old dear who fell over, chatted to some neighbours that i've not met before, helped a useless chav lad get his car out of our steep road - explaining that wheelspinning for 10 minutes doesnt really work.

I am very excited. Going back out now.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Sun 20 Dec 2009, 12:33, Reply)

the whole office is in hysterics
one of our colleagues just fell in the pond outside. I'm not talking a small pond either, it's probably a metre or two deep and 10 metres by about 30 metres.

apparently something had blown into the edge of the pond (or lake perhaps) he was lying on his stomach to get it and somehow managed a forward roll into the water :-D
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 18 Dec 2009, 13:44, 88 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Dear
Simon Cowell & Joe McWotsit,


If I wanted to listen to a shite Hannah Montana song, I would simply listen to Hannah Montana.

Regards,

dchurch.
(dchurch bah, Tue 15 Dec 2009, 11:13, 70 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

My sister got measured for a bra yesterday and is now a double J.
The woman came out of the cubicle and put one of the cups on her head like a hat.

And I thought Jesus Christ, in the genetic sweepstake that could have been me.

What physical characteristics do your siblings have that your glad you haven't been born with.
( girlinthehole, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 13:18, 87 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

A b3ta dirty/erotic poetry competition
I am revising for exams, so (obviously) I have written some dirty limericks, for to share with all of you. That's right, literally ALL of you. Even you.

There once was a girl of Dunoon
Who had the most cavernous poon.
When a suitor fell in
She fetched tins and some string
And she talks to him each afternoon.

There was a young man who would drink
A pot of black Indian ink
He said "it's remiss
But now when I piss
I can write my full name on the sink".

There was a strange girl of Duntocher
Who could only get off with a poker
When asked "is it sore?"
She said "not any more,
Since I hired a high-quality stoker".

There was a young man of Algiers
Who hadn't reached climax for years.
His first girlfriend said
"I just gave him head
And it shot out my nose and my ears!"

There was a young lady of Spain
Whose tightness was cause of her fame
When a man tried to rape her
He turned white as paper
She'd snipped off his cock as he came.

There was a young man of Dumbarton
Who ate cabbage and beans by the carton
When told he was whiffy
He said, with a stiffy
"I get sexual pleasure from fartin'".

Do you have any more? I know that's not how you pronounce Algiers, by the way.
(StapMyVitals wouldn't mind a bit of that, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 17:02, 28 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

The Yuletide is coming, my arse is getting fat, I hate fookin Christmas, & Santa is a twat . The credit crunch is is on, and times are really hard, so you can consider this b3ta post, your fucking Christmas card.
1 more week at work and it's time for the Christmas holidays. Now I'm looking forward to the 2 weeks off but couldn't actually give a shit that it's Christmas.

Tell us your bah humbug stories (if you don't want to then bah humbug to you!)
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 14:53, 93 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

The Almost Birthday.
My oldest child just turned 20, and I went through with the earlier outlined plan for his party- since he's not quite 21 yet I got him some non-alcoholic beer (not quite beer) and took a box of cake mix and stuck crayons on top of it (not quite a cake and candles) and had one of his friends come over in a dress (a not quite girl to share his not quite beer with).

Pics or it didn't happen, you say? See replies.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 10 Dec 2009, 17:18, 13 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Seems Edmund is still trying to get back on /OT
clientcopia.com/quotes.php?id=6979
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 2 Dec 2009, 20:27, 18 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Jesus hell!
My next door neighbour just jumped out her window! Thankfully she lives in a bungalow so she just has a bruised foreskin.
(TheColonel, Fri 27 Nov 2009, 0:47, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

I think it's time for some fluffy.



New family Jack Russell puppy called Biscuit.
( girlinthehole, Sun 22 Nov 2009, 21:06, 17 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Bringing back the fluff to OT
We just found that one of the outside cats had baby kittums, they're all black and adorable and about 4 weeks old!
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Tue 10 Nov 2009, 2:15, 17 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Arsebiscuits!
I take my eye off b3ta for a few weeks and I miss all of the fun.....

Enzyme, one of the voices of reason on B3ta, gets a stalker....

*flounce*

Once upon a time it was me that attracted the crazies....

Anyway Baz, or Ritchie, - let me give you a little education. You do know that, by sending an email to someone you also send the IP address of the computer you were logged on at when you sent it? So, with a quick reverse look-up we know your provider and approx location?

Also, Cr3 knows his shit and can also pull the same info from the B3ta logs? So, on the offchance that anything does happen to Enzyme, you're off to the Strangeways Hotel you spotty, Racist, Sun-reading, Chelsea supporting scum.

And can I add my name to the list of people who would really like you to come and have a go?

Enzyme is a nice guy. I'm not.

Oh. And I might spend tomorrow looking you up and publishing what I find on you. And trust me - I'm *much* better at it than the best part of you (that was the bit that dribbled down your mother's leg...)

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Sun 8 Nov 2009, 11:22, 32 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

I just flashed the postman
he brought me post, I showed him my left breast. Admittedly I had been feeding the ectoparasite, and forgot to put myself away - but the postman didn't know that.
Do you think this will encourage the postman to up his demands in the next strike action, or not strike, but knock on my door more often?
Have you exposed yourself to any members of the CWU recently?
( ascorbate, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 13:37, 26 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Question Time with a Dimbleby
Glancing casually over someone's shoulder on the tube home yesterday, I noticed they were reading a column in The Times which was discussing the possible appearance of the oh-so-delightful BNP on BBC Question Time. The article was based on ten questions which could be put to the Rt Hon Mr Nicholas Griffin which would show him up for the nasty, hate-filled bubble of fart gas that he is.

So if a representative of the British National Party were to appear on this current affairs program and you were to find yourself in the audience, what question would you put to them?

I would be tempted to proffer, "Benito Mussolini, Adolf Hitler and Oswald Moseley...shag, marry or kill?"
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 21 Oct 2009, 9:54, 32 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

I just had a visit from the cops.
Last night I had a smallish fire in my backyard fireplace. It's a circle of stones that looks a lot like a miniature Stonehenge, situated in the middle of a brick patio. I had built a nice little fire with seasoned oak and was sitting by it when the wind blew up hard and carried a lot of smoke toward my neighbor. The wind held for a couple of hours.

He came bustling over and yelled, "You gotta do something about that smoke! It's all through my house! You gotta move that fireplace to the other side of the yard or sumpin' coz it's blowin' in my house!"

(Now if it were me, I would have simply closed the windows... but I guess that makes a bit too much sense.)

"Sorry, I can't move it. It's built into the ground."

"You want me to get the cops involved? We can do it that way if you want. I'll call the cops, I'll call the fire department, I'll call the homeowner's association, I'll call the district attorney."

"Do what you need to do, I guess," I replied. "It's legal."

So this morning two cops arrived on my doorstep. "Hi, umm, can we speak to you for a minute? We had a complaint about a fire last night..."

I explained what had happened and showed them the fireplace, and pointed to the stack of firewood I had been burning. The cop almost looked embarrassed by the time I was done. "Yeah, obviously nothing really happening here. You'd think he could have just come over and said something like hey, I got some smoke in my house last night."

I chuckled. "He's still mad at me for calling animal control on his dog after it bit my daughter."

"Oh, the Dalmatian that doesn't bite?"

We both laughed. He turned to his partner. "Come on, let's go talk to him." And they walked back out.

I haven't seen the Choad since.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Sat 10 Oct 2009, 16:56, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)