Not me, but my brother
was investigated by the old bill for murdering a guy in Guildford. Apparently bro had been seen getting into a getaway car with a gun in his pocket. After much arguing from us, the police finally accepted that the getaway car had in fact been driven by my arthritic father (who was collecting bro from college at the time, where he was doing a carpentry course). The gun in the pocket was one of those triangle measuring thingys that carpenters use....
(Vernie, Thu 8 Jan 2004, 8:56, Reply)

not done nowt, me

( anythingbutthisactually, Thu 8 Jan 2004, 8:28, Reply)

Not dangerous, just embarassing...
One late night, I was walking home from work when I noticed a box that a store had put out with the trash. It was filled with plastic DVD cases. I opened a few and they were empty, and it just so happened I needed some spare cases.

I grabbed the box and continued home. A patrol car pulled to a stop near me, and the cop leaned out his window toward me. "What's in the box?"

Why lie? "Some empty DVD cases I found in the trash. I really needed them, and they were thrown out, so..."

"Can I see?"

Why not? I opened the box and handed him a few. He took them for a closer look, confirmed their emptiness, and then looked at the covers.

I didn't realize why he started laughing so hard until I realized where I had got them - outside the porno store. I took a closer look in the box, and in the light of the cop car realized what the covers looked like. I had just handed the cop a stack of empty video nasties, with very "illustrative" covers.

He dropped them back in the box, looked at me as though I were liable to begin violating myself at any moment, snickered "Enjoy," and drove off.
( Rob T Firefly talked, like, William Shatner, on, Thu 8 Jan 2004, 7:01, Reply)

My mother had some trouble with her medications last year
and it caused her to go manic. She was talking to animals, seeing angels, and hearing "the most beautiful music ever". After three days of her refusing to see a doctor, I called for an ambulance.

It was a slow day in my town that day, so along with the 2 ambulance men there were 8 police officers that showed up. Two of them entered my mother's bedroom, and the rest of us stood in the hallway, listening to her ramblings. She said the cop in her room looked too tense, and told him to relax and tried to hypnotise him. The cops in the hallway started giggling, then looked guilty for a second until they realised I was giggling too.

Because she didn't want to go, she had to be arrested to get her to go to hospital. She was taken by ambulance, and I followed in the car. When i walked into emergency, she was tied to a stretcher, surrounded by police, and shouting "You take me home RIGHT NOW!" Suddenly, she got quiet, then slowly turned her head to look at the cop closest to her, then grinned and said, "Have you met my proud, proud daughter Alison?" Yes, my mother was a loon and was trying to hook me up with the cop that had just arrested her!

Fortunately, he had a good sense of humour and just shook my hand and said hello. Then I went to talk to another officer, and we traded phone numbers. What a day it was!
(ghettobooty, Thu 8 Jan 2004, 5:20, Reply)

Not a good story
But anyone who knows Cambridge will know Parker's Piece, the huge green accross the road from the swimming pool that stretches over to Pizza Hut. Or it might be Jesus Green, the names are all pretty confusing. Anyway, since we never have an empty enough house, we always seem to go out for joints (which really annoys me because it's easy to get caught and you have to move a lot) and that's our usual place for it. I don't think you can get more suspicious looking than we are there. On about the third time this happens, two coppers walk past us, about 3 meters away, and we collectively shat ourselves. They didn't see or (more likely) couldn't be arsed, and didn't come over at all. I went back a week later and discovered there's a police station next to the green, which we'd been smoking right in front of before. Teenage stupidity knows no bounds.
( Whillow, Thu 8 Jan 2004, 4:46, Reply)

We were camping illegally on private property (not ours, or course)
as we had done several times before. This time, we also had a campfire during a fire ban. As we sat by the fire, we saw red flashlights coming down the hill. We called to whoever was there, inviting them to the fire and asking who they were. They said hello but didn't say anything else. Then they appeared in the firelight and we said "Oh, hello officers."

They had us put out the fire, and we scattered to pack up our stuff. Brandon grabbed a box of baby wipes off the ground from beside the fire, and tucked it under him arm. The cop asked him what was in it, and was disappointed to find it really was baby wipes.

The funny part about it was that these cops tripped over an "art project" we had made. Being crazy teenage Goth kids and me being a hairdressing student, I had a mannequin head with piercings, tattoos, a mohawk, a dog collar, and we'd built it a house out of sticks. We'd hung rubber gloves and pop cans off the "doll house". I'm sure it was rather a disturbing sight to find a disembodied head in the dark in the forest in the middle of the night!

They ended up telling us we could stay the night if we went to bed and got out first thing in the morning. Woohoo!
(ghettobooty, Thu 8 Jan 2004, 4:38, Reply)

Helicopter searchlight
I had to join, just to tell this story. It was about 1990 or so and me and my mate had been celebrating something with the kind of fireworks that shoot up in air then explode with the sound of a rifle shot.
Well some old dear called the police, and next thing we knew there was a helicopter with a searchlight on it overhead and police with dogs coming onto the meadow. My mate and I got separated (probably because we were staggering drunk) and I decided sensibly to get off the meadow. Not my mate. He told me after the police brought him home that the helicopter had caught him in its searchlight and followed him as he ran barefoot into a wood and hid in a bush. 2 minutes later, when all teh police with the dogs arrive, they say to him, "Will you come out of that bush," our hero replies: "Who? Me?"
(junglejim, Thu 8 Jan 2004, 4:27, Reply)

These stories are so dull
and so is mine!
First week on the job as a Graduate Assistant at Television Services at a University. I had a lone weekend shoot and returned to the office to put back the cameras, lights and stuff but entered through the back door rather than front. The alarm went off immediately and I had no clue as to the code to enter to stop it. I called campus police who informed me that officers were already on their way. I opened the front door and waited for them. They arrived with guns drawn. I'll just never forget how I felt as I peered down the dark hallway while they advanced towards me, looking as shit-scared as I was.
( Artamnesia, Thu 8 Jan 2004, 3:43, Reply)

shopping trolley bowling
very simple game,

all you need is a deserted carpark out in sussex, a Renault 5 and a supply of trolleys.

start at 1 end of the carpark with the trolley pushed up against front bumper. lots of acceleration. brake gently sit back and enjoy, you get a strike if it hits a drain or manhole cover and gets airborne.

after a quick game one night we were on our way home only to find 3 police cars, 1 on every exit of the roundabout in front.

pulled over, 'we're received a report about 2 youths in a Renault etc' to which we replied, 'oh lord, you don't think it was us do you?' they checked the bulletproof bumpers that the french need to get by in average traffic, couldn't find a mark and had to let us go.

thank fuck they didn't search the car
(pesh, Thu 8 Jan 2004, 3:29, Reply)

after an impressive night out on the piss...
where the drinks had been £1 a pint we decided to go home (me and my flat mates).

being a huge oasis fan my mate decided to try and get the poster that was on the wall along from the club....
a little police woman came along (there were police outside the club to stop any violence) and said stop that.... we said we would be quick and would go as soon as we had the poster... she wasnt happy but went back to help her partner who was trying to stop a drunken argument between some ned and his bird.

we got the poster and my mate went running to catch up with the rest of my mates at which point a police car saw him decided he was up to no good and switched their lights on....
my mate shits himself but decides in his drunken state he can outrun the car. the car stops out jumps a policeman who promptly gives chase to my mate..
it's either getting rugby tackled or stop so he stops and gets lifted....

gets 2 hours in a cell and leaves without his poster....
they're still trying to charge him with breech of the peace
(Swany o¿o, Thu 8 Jan 2004, 3:02, Reply)

BB Marksmen
At University in Manchester I was living in halls on the edge of the notorious 'Moss Side' estates. There were 5 of us living on the top floor of three story flats (including a Swedish guy who was never particuarly happy with our childish idiocy).

One evening one of the guys turned up at the flat with a bb gun that he'd brought up from home. After a 'couple' of beers things got pretty messy and after getting bored with shooting toast clay pigeon style, one guy dissapeared to his room returning with one of those red laser light pen thingamys and suggested that by taping it to the gun, we'd be able to aim at things better. Hurragh.

After another drink or two we thought it's be a good idea to give the guys in the bottom flat in the block opposite a bit of a scare (we didn't really like them for various reasons) Anyway, after aiming our gun we fired a couple of shots, watched them run around a bit not knowing where the shots had come from and thought nothing of it.

Obviously distressed at being shot at, they must have called the police. (We found out later that they'd seen the red dot appear on the wall and move and promptly bricked themselves!)

Policemen turned up pretty promptly and upon seeing the bbs all over the carpet of our flat then realised they'd found their marksmen and then it all got pretty serious with two of the guys being taken down to the station and cautioned (the guys who owned the gun and the laser pen and actually fired the shots at the window) The guy who owned the gun was kicked out of halls and the last I heard of him, he was in trouble with the Finnish military for hacking into one of their universities.

I think I remember an item in the university paper about it but what made me laugh was when a friend from Stoke University read about it in his Uni paper.

Looking back now though, we were twats... p.s. sorry for the long post.
(EmptyGreg, Thu 8 Jan 2004, 2:17, Reply)

mug-shots
As I work in retail we often get shop-lifters, and I'm sometimes invited to the Sty to view mug-shots. One time I was extremely surprised to see one of my best mate among the thieves, sex offenders, druggies, dossers and other assorted scum. It took several pints to persuade him to tell me why he'd been arrested - it was for vandalism - he'd been spotted picking a flower from a council bed. Point 1: how embarrassing - and point 2: how fucking petty...
(squonk, Thu 8 Jan 2004, 2:11, Reply)

When I was a teenager
me and my mates used to spent lots of time in my car, driving up into the countryside to get stoned. One time we were on our way back home, it was late and we were all wasted. We get back into civilisation and almost immediately we're being tailed by the cops. I asked who had any weed on them and everyone said no, but I had 1/2 ounce in my pocket!!?? So after a mile or so, the lights go on and they pull us over. I step out of the car and try to remain as calm as possible but figure that this time it's curtains. The first cop asks me to come round to the back of the car while the other one starts to question my mates by the passenger window. So after the usual questions this guy asks me to open up the boot. I oblige and he has a rummage about, then the other policeman shouts my guy over and he leaves me at the back of the car ON MY OWN. So quick as a flash I throw my gear into the trunk just before the cops look over at me and my chap says "You can shut the boot now and come here." I do this and the next thing I'm hearing is "empty out your pockets." The look on my mates faces was a picture as I turned both pockets out completely empty. They searched the whole car and all my mates but never tried the boot again. Poor guys drove off feeling very confused as we all sat in my car laughing our asses off. Turns out the reason the policeman questioning my mates had called my fella over was because he'd spotted a ripped rizla packet on the dashboard. Aaaah so near and yet so far away.
edit: That was all a long time ago and I am now a model member of society. Don't do drugs kids, I did them so I can tell you all about it.
( legohead, Thu 8 Jan 2004, 1:51, Reply)

Toby
Long story short:

On piss with mate, both fucked off with life, got very very drunk on all sorts on rank drinks, went on pub crawl through village, more drinks.

Ended up meeting a bloke called Toby at the urinals (as you don't) in third pub, passed out on the table with Toby with his mates.

Came-to some time later to find self lying in pool of own vomit on the village green, with my mate, similarly lying in pool of own chuck a few metres away, with a policeman pressing a mobile phone up to my ear with my dad on the line.

Not good.

Barfed in my Dad's car and everything.

Gawd bless the law. And gawd bless Toby, wherever he is now.
(smerv, Thu 8 Jan 2004, 1:30, Reply)

Best police story. Ever.
This isn't me, but I love this story

An elderly woman living in Cheshire was upstairs, and she could hear people ransacking her house. Ringing the police to whisper "I'm being robbed!", they simply replied that they'd try to send someone round.

Not satisfied by this, she then waited 30 seconds, rang the same police station, and said:

"It's ok - don't send anyone round. I've shot them."

Within minutes, police helicopters and officers were everywhere. They caught the robbers, and when they said "But you said you shot them?" she replied "You said you'd send someone round!"

^ 100% TRUE story ^

yayness! :D
(Nudger - Back on b3ta having been away since '04!, Thu 8 Jan 2004, 1:13, Reply)

Run-ins with the Law
I was pulled over in one of the customary RIDE stops here one night (the police periodically set up stops where they check everyone for drunk driving). Thing was I was on my way home from working a shift at a K-9 security company and i happened to have a 145lb rottweiler in the back of my car. The cop stopped me and walked up to the window and stuck his head in to sniff for alcohol just as the rottie decided to pop his massive head out my window for a quick pet. This scared the shit out of the cop and he promptly allowed me to continue on my way. Little did the cop know, the dog was one of the friendliest dogs i have ever known unless he was in work mode, which he wasn't.
( rawr isn't really here., Thu 8 Jan 2004, 0:52, Reply)

It was my mate Robert's stag night, and we were in Brighton.
We'd done the usual stag night stuff (got pissed in a crappy nightclub and snogged all the girls who were on hen's nights) and now it was time for the humiliation to start. The obvious choice was to take Robert onto the main street along the waterfront, strip him naked, and tie him to a lamp post. Then we all disappeared from view, talking about going back to the hotel. He thought we'd left him all alone for the rest of the night.

After a while he spotted a police van driving along the other side of the road. He called out to them, and they shouted that they'd go further up the road to turn around (there was a central barrier along the road), and then come and help him. Luckily for us, the police van turned around right where we were hiding. We waved it down, and explained to the coppers that Robert wasn't really alone, we were keeping an eye on him from a distance. The coppers were good sports and agreed to play along. They drove back to Robert, and explained to him that as no offence had been committed they were unable to intervene. Then they drove off. Robert was now convinced he'd be spending the rest of the night tied up nude.

Then something else happened. Two burly blokes dressed in leathers with big moustaches and peaked caps arrived and started to show some serious interest in Robert's bare backside (this was Brighton, after all). Robert was scared witless at the thought of being buggered silly for hours on end. After things had started to get interesting (but not TOO interesting) we decided it was finally time to intervene and save Robert from a sticky end (pun intended). The poor guy was an emotional wreck, but he forgave us the next day.
( Purple Martin is board sigless, Thu 8 Jan 2004, 0:37, Reply)

One time I was driving my car...
It was late at night, about 10:30-ish. Whilst I was driving I saw one of my mates driving coming from the opposite direction, so I just flashed my lights as if I was saying "Hello" and they flashed back. Well, little did I realise that just behind them at a junction was none other than the police and they saw me doing this. So because I did they they pulled me over and they began to question me and asking if there was anything wrong with my car. Having said no he then asked If i was under the influence of alcohol or drugs and I said no but they insisted I must be breathalised. Thankfully I was clear of that stage and then one of the police men asked, "Why did your lights just flash before we seen you?" I then explained that I had seen one of my mates and I flashed the lights to get their attention and he said that Doing this is very serious for dazling other drivers (considering that there was only me and my mate driving on the road at the time) and he went through all this other rubbish and said that I would have been fined for doing this but he just let me off with a warning. I mean like for god's sake It was just a split second and It wasn't as If I blinded my mate or forced him to plough through 40 pedestrians. Utter Nonsense.
(Mr. Roboto, Thu 8 Jan 2004, 0:23, Reply)

many
many moons ago, a mate of mine was arrested for not being dead. He had a bedsit, cunt of a landlord and friend with a bucket. The bucket was for smoking in pot in by the way, water, half bottle, you know the rest. Anywho, he changes rooms in the bedsit, someone moves out the opportunity for a better room was too much to ignore. The bucket stayed in the old room, friend moives out of bedsit a few weeks later without telling landlord. About a month after that, we get a phone call from friend who has just been let out after an afternoon being questioned. Apparently, them smell from the now putrid bucket resembled that of a dead man (or woman), the landlord got a whiff when letting new tenants in downstairs, went upstairs to see what the smell was and couldn't open the door. SO he called the police. They smashed down the door and found the bucket, the odd bong and pipe and big mess of rubbish that he left. The landlord wnated him prosecuted for damaging his property so the police found and arrested him. The police also took the bucket plus mankie water as evidence.
( Steerable_forehead Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration,don't fail me now, Thu 8 Jan 2004, 0:10, Reply)

not a run in with the law
but my brother (14) repeatedly brings home cones, hub caps, signs and all sorts for me (i have an interesting collection already growing in my room). my friends do it too. whats interesting about my brother is that he will walk 2 miles home from school with a three foot cone in his hands. and not even be noticed. wonderful.
(zenmeban thinks the weather could be better, Thu 8 Jan 2004, 0:07, Reply)

i was in london one time
with my friends, and we'd been down camden town (as you do), and got hold of some stuff, it wasnt weed, it wasnt even illegal, but it was "guaranteed" to get you high... well bollocks to that, but anyways, the three of us went to this little grassy place by goldersgreen tube station and rolled up... we'd got some special cammo rollup paper for the occasion so the resulting "spliffs" looked even more suspect than usual. anyhow, we strolled along the railing right outside the tube station, and paused to smoke. a rather nice man walked by and warned us that old bill were having a snoop and we'd best put it out, but of course it wasnt weed... so what was there to worry about??? thanked him anyway tho. so the boys in blue come along and ask us what we think we're doing (like we'd be dumb enough to smoke weed in public!!!), so we tell them. "just to be safe" they have to arrest us on suspicion of possessing weed. what a stupid excuse. after twenty minutes of us hanging about, and them taking all our details and reading us rights and all (that was fun), their man from the drugs lab comes to see whats up. he looks at our stuff, sniffs about a bit, and comes over. he's pissed off. bigtime. apparently the stuff in the bag wasnt even worth the time of day, and *we* had wasted police time... by standing about being legal. goes without saying that following the dearresting process, the police complained to us about the paperwork it would need and didnt even apologise. typical. :D
(zenmeban thinks the weather could be better, Thu 8 Jan 2004, 0:03, Reply)

I guess I was the ringleader.
In university we had a lot of healthy rivalries among the different student clubs. Now one night, after (obviously) a night of rather heavy drinking, myself and a few friends decided that we should steal a few bales of hay that were in the quad (I went to university in the Canadian prairies, so the presence of about 200 bales of hay in quad isn't that surprising) and sort of brick in a rival club's office with them. We would have gotten away with it, but one of our number noticed that some idiot had left the club door unlocked, so we figured it would be even better to fill the whole room floor to ceiling with hay. This, of course, took a lot longer, giving Campus 5-0 time to catch us. I was the first one they saw, carrying a bale up the stairs into the building, and the cop asked me what I was doing. All I could think to say (pissed, remember) was "Uhhh, moving some hay?" She didn't think that was funny, and so assumed that I was in charge of the whole operation. They came down to survey the "damage". By this time at about 2:30 in the morning we had the room about three quarters of the way full. They decided that if we could clean the whole mess up by 4 am we would be free to go, not believing for a second we'd be able to do it. We actually managed it, surprisingly enough, the cops were still a little miffed at us. Apparently it's still breaking and entering even if the door isn't locked.
(9000, Thu 8 Jan 2004, 0:01, Reply)

a mate of mine
was trying to steal a traffic bollard from a roundabout near our halls of residence when a police car pulle up and the usual 'ello 'ello 'ello routine proceded with them asking him what he was doing.
In his drink enduced state of mind he quickly found a stick nearby the bollard, picked it up and said to the policeman. "oh look its a little bit of a willow tree" needles to say the policemen left him to his tomfoolery and he waddled home sans bollard!
( Dr-Von-Goosewing - abort/retry/fail, Wed 7 Jan 2004, 23:58, Reply)

And this one time
at band camp ...
( gfreeman is only here for the beer, Wed 7 Jan 2004, 23:52, Reply)

my uncle polciing the notts forest game
as u can see i have a big police family :D

anyway uncle polcing the forest game and one of the fans sticks the middle finger up at one of the players, my uncle being bored says "oi do that again and ill arrest u!"
the guy grunts a bit then a few mins later sticks fingers up again.
" right warned u your under arrest"
the guys mate chirps up "oi u cant do that u cant do that thats bang out of order u cant nick him for that"
"right your under arest too"
my uncle gets to go back to police station n sit in a nice office drinking coffe filling out the paperwork rather than being stood in a cold rowdy football stand,result
(dan_clarkie, Wed 7 Jan 2004, 23:52, Reply)

another
my dad and his collegue called to a case, jsut a domestic and blok thier is giving a lot of agro saying "yopur not arresting me u not arresting me" ect ect
my dad tries to handcuff him and he is flailing aroudn liek a raging queen, CS spray to the eyes and its
"GET HANDCUFFS ON, GET HANDCUFFS ON QUICK AS U CAN!"
(dan_clarkie, Wed 7 Jan 2004, 23:48, Reply)

similar story
dad and mum again both coppers in my local town jsut down dpoing some shopping when a gy coems running out a phone shop fast as ligthnign followed by a man in suit shouting "STOP HIM" straight inot my dad who rugby takles him. arested. turns out the guy had nicked the phoen from the opwner of the shop jsut grabbed it out his hands from over the counter.
when m dad explained to the nobrainer he was a cop he sed
"you think your fukin clever dont you"
"nah mate im obviously not as clever as you, ill admit."
(dan_clarkie, Wed 7 Jan 2004, 23:41, Reply)

none

( Sunshine Elephant, Wed 7 Jan 2004, 23:35, Reply)

undercover.
cue my dad and his mate both coppers in my local town in plain clothes, being coppers and doing nothing really. this one scruffy guy coems upto them n says " oi u wann buy some DVDs"
my dad enquires "what u got" before the guy shows a supermarket bag continign about 8 brand new DVDs
so my dad asks "how much then?"
the bloke thinkin on the spot says "i dunno 2 quid each??"
my dad comes back with " 2 pounds thats really cheap, how come??"
sensing a sale the guy says plain as anything " their nocked off mate i need some cash for my next fix"
"were both polcie officers, your under arrest"
(dan_clarkie, Wed 7 Jan 2004, 23:34, Reply)

house party
went to a house party and all beign 16 got blind hammered on booze and started abusing the gay brothers that live next door, someone jumped ut a second story window we threw waterbombs out onto thee road, all good fun. polcie area car turns up. luigths go out then a search light coems uopto bedroom window "can somoone come ot the window please!" "spmeopne come to the window". we all lie really still in the dark and try our hardest to dissapear when eventualy the copper gives up n goes home
(dan_clarkie, Wed 7 Jan 2004, 23:30, Reply)