Passing cemetery:
Dad: Did you know that’s the dead centre of London?
Me: Really?!
Dad: Yeah, and people are dying to get in there.
Me: Wow!
( lemonhead, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 20:08, Reply)

My Dad used to say to me. "You look like the milkman" mainly because I look like no-one else in my family... Turns out he's not my dad.
( 5olly, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 19:55, Reply)

Once...
A cranefly (daddy longlegs) started buzzing around the table and my dad proudly says, "Oh, its come to build something."
(Lurker131072, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 19:48, Reply)

dads
The best one is the phone ringing and him saying "If it's for me don't answer it." Cracks me up every time. And the old deaf one - I'll be watching tv and I'd say something like "Is that one deaf or something?" and he'll just go, "Pardon?" Fucking hilarious.

The worst one is when he says "he just can't pull himself together". Someone says "who?" and he replies "Humpty Dumpty" or some shit like that - there are about ten of those.
(kevjep, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 19:41, Reply)

ooh let's see....
1. farts "oops! stepped on a frog!"
2. "here, pull my finger..." farts
3.tells this to everyone he ever meets ever: "I'm from the only burrough in New York that starts with a "D"... huh? ya know what it is? huh? ...DA Bronx!"
4. in car "quit complaining or I'll make you can get out and walk" said at least 400,000 times.
5. countless poor imitations of "inner city youths", or "ebonics", or whatever you want to call it. i.e.: "yo, I be wai'in he' fo' a' owa, bowyee!"
I'll try to come back with more, I must consult with my brother...
( zog why change it now?, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 19:27, Reply)

my dad...
is a bit of a weird one, always sending random emails, not strictly a joke, but to be remembered for sheer amusement to me and my friends, this particular email read;

"how about that for a taste of style and class".

what a legend.
( souljah, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 19:19, Reply)

When I was in high school, I was taking Spanish classes
My dad thought this was great, and everytime I would see him for the weekend he would greet me like this:

Dad: Hola Isabelle! Como es usted?
Me: Bien! Y usted?
Dad: I don't speak Russian.

I never got it. But I chuckle at it now.
What a dork.

He also loves the little rhyme:
"What's your name?"
"Puddin' Tame, ask me again and I'll tell you the same."
( cwethan, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 19:13, Reply)

my dad is great
he claims that you can start a fire by rubbing two boy scouts together.
he also believes red cars have more paint on them than other coloured cars. (this also goes for the amount of ink on the 44 ball in the lottery)
doesn't do many jokes mind. he loves the guns of navarone though, and 633 squadron. and ice station zebra, and where eagles dare.
(rnuk http://flickr.com/rnuk, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 19:11, Reply)

i thought i should mention,
i once caught my dad in the garden throwing what i thought were rocks as far as he could into surrounding gardens.
turns out they were snails.
he persuaded my brother to join him.
not really a joke, but it's something stupid my dad does.
throws snails into other people's gardens.
um.
yes.
( Sir Sand GOBLIN ^popular page dis, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 19:03, Reply)

my dad has this thing
everytime he picks me up from outside a mate's house, or anywhere.. he will always put on a scared face, lean on the horn and drive right at me, pulling away at the last second.

he nearly ran me over once, hilarious! ...the git.
( MCQ Cartoons n' shit: bagowank.com, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 18:48, Reply)

well
if you start of a sentence with "well..." my dad will immediately cut you off and say "deep subject"
(Honest Abe, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 18:43, Reply)

ok, just one more....
around Christmas, if someone curses, he'll yell "That's not a Christmas word, dammit!"
(Elronds_Twins, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 18:42, Reply)

can you spell?
My Dad's favourite, "Constantinople is a very long word. Can you spell it?", to which we'd struggle some sort of spelling. Then he'd reply, "No! It's spelt I T".

And he'd laugh.

In similar vein, he was a fan of the rhyme: "A ship came in to Sandown Bay, What was the captains name? I've told you once, and I'll tell you again, What was the captains name?"

Gah.
(BOFH, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 17:36, Reply)

he'd get me to hold a nail in place for him to hammer it in to some wood or whatever,
and say
"you nod your head and i'll hit it."
and hold the hammer in a threatening way.
great stuff.
( GTA, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 17:26, Reply)

Musical Instruments
The father in law told me this one - I recite to my two kids whenever I can.

Whenever there's a guitar solo on the radio, pretend to play a piano The kids will shout "dad, you're supposed to play the guitar", to which I reply "don't be stupid, I can't play the guitar!"
(baboon, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 17:26, Reply)

He always loved this one.
While driving, he'd point to the passenger floor board and ask what that spot was (of course, there were spots all over the damn floorboard). When I would look down to see what it was, he'd stomp on his brake and I'd be thrown in the floor. I fall for it everytime.

Also, out of the blue sometimes he'll say "All fags take a bow," and hit his brakes. The result is that everyone in the car bends over from the momentum.
(Elronds_Twins, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 17:19, Reply)

My dad's a joker (like all dads)
Whenever either my sister or I say "huh?" his response is always "that's what a pig says when you kick it in the butt."
(Elronds_Twins, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 17:15, Reply)

on the subject of compliments..
MY dad would always say to my mum such gems as: 'your feet are like petals...bicycle petals' and 'your teeth are like stars....they come out at night' every day for about five years. Its since been replaced with his Everton jokes...'The police caught a man trying to climb over the walls at Goodison Park...so the threw him back in'....genius
(n1na1sapunk, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 17:12, Reply)

What I said yesterday
about my Dad actually being quite funny wasn't at all true.

In the evening he dropped me off at the station, then pretended to drive off with all my gear still in the boot. Hilarious.
( Reverend Dan, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 17:11, Reply)

I thought even six-year-olds had grown out of this...
This was a brother joke, but now my dad's adopted it.

Dad: 'Hannah.'
Me: 'What?'
Dad: 'Stinks!'

This drives me insane, mainly because I can't get anyone to fall for it. My dad was going to phone my brother in Amsterdam, say this, and hang up (extra points for long-distance).
(HanaBizzle, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 17:01, Reply)

dad jokes
In response to the standard "how are you today", my father (to this day) answers "finer than frog's hair".

When my sister and I finally decided we wouldn't let it embarrass us anymore he kept doing it just for the utter look of confusion on the asker's face.

(also he made us dinner every night while growing up. About halfway through the meal he would exclaim "a fine meal. Couldn't have made it better myself")
(fuzzybunny, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 17:00, Reply)

oh just remembered....
sorry yes my old papa does have a crappy joke. ive suffered 20years of this.....

Me, my brother or sister: "Dad where's Mum".
Dad: "run off with a black man".

jesus pissing christ this is so not funny.
(rodeopig, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 16:59, Reply)

Whenever
Whenever my Dad was going out somewhere, I'd ask,"Where are you going, Dad?"
Without fail, his response was,
"Crazy...wanna come?"
(useless, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 16:51, Reply)

My dad has so many terrible jokes that I'm having trouble remembering most of them...
Whenever anyone says that they're strong/getting stronger/etc, my dad always quips "Yes, but smell isn't everything."

This one's not really a joke, but more of an annoying habit...my father LOVES the scene in Braveheart where the Irish guy who "speaks" to God says to Mel Gibson "The Lord says he can get me out of this...but he's pretty sure you're fucked." My dad never hesitates to quote this scene verbatim in a terrible (fake) Scottish accent whenever anyone is talking about Scotland, Ireland, Braveheart, Mel Gibson, films, accents, delusional people, etc (you get the idea).
(doss cunt, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 16:46, Reply)

these are sourced from friends
[Ed] Reminds me of my Dad's all time favourite. He went out with a girl called Virginia before he met my Mum, and has, on a good few hundred occassions uttered the immortal
'I once went out with a girl called Virginia. Virgin for short but not for long'. At which we all roar with laughter and roll around on the floor appreciatively.

[Dr.Newell]

Me: Dad, you've got a big arse (why I said this I don't know...)
Dad: Well, you need a big hammer for a six inch nail...
(pondloife, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 16:45, Reply)

When an emergency service goes past, whether it has a siren on or not...
'You'll not sell many ice creams going that fast.'
(HanaBizzle, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 16:38, Reply)

Every Christmas, my Dad dusts off his Christmas 'joke'
He thinks it is the height of surreal comedy that puts him on a par with the Pythons and the Milligans of this world. See what you think:

What did Santa say to the reindeer on Christmas Eve?

"Off we go then!"

I must admit I chuckle at it more than I used to. Another sign I am turning into him.
(nirst, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 16:38, Reply)

Not really crap but really funny
My Dad 's annecdotes are so funny; i cant really think of him ever saying a crap one. (sorry). He's Irish and his accent just makes them funnier! well here's some gems;

large lady walks past- (not fat mind)- "cor she's a good breeder"!

If your relectant to do something- "ahragh your like a dog fcukin a bag of nails".

Managing Director told my Dad to do something he didn't like once so he said "Fcuk off, your nothing more than a dirty whore". (his accent makes it sound like who-er)This was reported and he went before the full board who asked him many times to repeat EXACTLY what he said to the M.D. Surprisingly the M.D got fired! i think it had something to do with claiming that the M.D hated him because my Dad is Southern Ireland Catholic and M.D was a Northern Irish Protestant. could qualify for biggest lie to.

My Dad's great!
(rodeopig, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 16:36, Reply)

Not actually my dad,
but it's very dad-ish.

A bloke I used to work with in an office supply place would, when he sold any bit of Brother kit, struggle down from the stock room, wheezing and panting. He'd then only just get the box to the countertop. When the customer remarked that they wern't expecting it to be heavy, he'd reply "it's not heavy, it's my brother"

Badum dish.

Every fucking time. Fair doos tho, old Trevor was a total diamond geezer - and top bloke.
( bowdie, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 15:58, Reply)