Male Strippers + Vodka. Oh, shit.
I went to a Chippendale's show with a bunch of women on one of their birthdays.

Not a regular vodka drinker, I thought I'd play Hilton Sister and start stuffing down Stoli and Red Bulls. The bartenders were pouring heavy, the bastards.

It was all good fun until I tripped over the edge of the stage during "Dance With The Himbos" and did a flying punkesque dive across 15 feet of real estate.

The blackened gouge on my right shin, it appears, will be permanent. I tell people I tripped on the steps at Kerry-Edwards HQ.
(LucillesBalls, Tue 7 Sep 2004, 0:06, Reply)

Painful and humiliating
When i was young i used to hang around behind the old community centre (like you do). One night i decided it would be a great idea to ride up this little hill thingy on a man's mountain bike (can you see where this is leading?).
I got to the top of the little hill and slowly started to roll back, as i did i fell off the bike, landing exactly bang in the middle of the bar. Unfortunately this was quite a big bike, imagine legs dangling off either side in mid-air...
(kendoddsdadsdogsdead, Tue 7 Sep 2004, 0:03, Reply)

Running = No.
Argh..Yes another one from me.

When I was around 10 or 11 years old, I was seeing my dad in France. Dad, being the lovely man he is, took us to a theme park (I forgot the name though, unfortunately).

It was getting dark, and we were about to go, when I saw one of the classic 'Halls of Glass'

Went through normally until an air jet shot off right beneath me. This achieved its goal in scaring the shit out of the then-little me and sent me running (bear in mind...this is a Hall of Glass - the path is invisible) as you can guess, the inevitable happened and I went THROUGH a glass pane and was in hospital overnight. Ended up looking like I had a golfball implanted into my head.

Fantastic.
(Katteh, Mon 6 Sep 2004, 22:26, Reply)

Stealth pain
I awoke one fresh spring morning, larks were soring through the crystal skys. I sat up, shaking of the half rembered dreams of the night befor to sudenly feel AN INCREADABLE PAIN IN MY TODGER!

upon looking down at my old chap I was shocked to see the helm had swollen and taken on a distincly angry deep purple and was saw!

It took 10 mins of examination to find out that a 14inch hair of my beloved was had wraped its self 19 times round the base of the helm (for those of you playing at home try it with chease wire), so tight was it that I could not find the end and had to use a pair of wire cutters.

Oh an one time I kicked a door frame an shattered my big toe nail and got the fragments caught in my sock, it really hurt when my nan pulled off said sock to have a look.
(timberwolf0122 is turkey volume guessing man! Guessing the volumes in terms of turkeys since, Mon 6 Sep 2004, 22:20, Reply)

Ooh, just remembered another one
Not me this time, but involves my cousins. I was probably there, but would have been all of 4 or 5. We were all at my nan's house, playing some kind of game involving dying (probably cowboys and indians). My cousin alister dies (he is about 7/8 at the time), and lies down. Unfortunately for him, little cousin Richard was about 2, and didnt understand this kind of death. He knew the general jist though, so to make sure he had snuffed it he dropped a brick on poor alister's head.

No long term damage though :)
(costie, Mon 6 Sep 2004, 22:16, Reply)

AH! Nasty!
I went to Tyhoon Lagoon in DisneyWorld and had a fantastic day until it came to changing back into out normally closes. In was a gruelling half an hour before my foreskin was free. It was caught in the netting and everyone found it as funny as fuck.

I however did not...
(Noonaa, Mon 6 Sep 2004, 21:08, Reply)

hard at it
ahhh, twas back in the day, when I was but a slip of a lad, and had recently lost my hated virginity. The barmy summer night in Oxford affected me in a strange and lustful way. My new girlfriend was indeed a goer, and a catholic, and it's TRUE what they say. We did it 6 times (although, not knowing what to do really I don't think she reached her peak, but she seemed to enjoy it) that night.

Upon mounting my second love, my racing bike, I found something was amiss. I couldn't sit down on the saddle without the most hideous pain from my cock muscle.

I went to my now BLANTLY transsexual University doctor to have this problem looked at. He couldn't help but laugh as I told him how I did it. Alas, I couldn't raise the poor battered wee chappie for another few days without terrible pain.

I, being the consumate gentleman though, did perform the next night. Muscle Smuscle.
(SirVile, Mon 6 Sep 2004, 20:59, Reply)

The more I read, the more I remember
Had my new bike. I decided to go and ride it up in the playground of my school (about 8 at the time).

Started the stupid (come on, other people must have done this?) game of riding around in fast, tight circles.

Eventually, the inevitable happens. One of the peddles hits the ground (once the angle has got severe enough), and myself and the bike part company.

Wandered home with the knackered bike, and the knackered legs, but tried to think of something else to explain the injuries.
(Damien_The_Unbeliever, Mon 6 Sep 2004, 20:34, Reply)

Finally remembered a non-car-related one
I was about 6. We were at my grandparents house. I cant remember whether we were staying there, or elsewhere, but I know the usual "kids" room was off-limits (as was the rest of the top floor).

Where was I? The top floor. Mucking about. My sister called me downstairs. I thought, "What's the best way to get downstairs? I'll slide down the banister". Now, this banister was tempting, given the floors it passed through, so I hitched a leg over, and started my descent.

So far as we can work out, I made it to the first corner. There, apparently, I slipped straight into the gap between opposite flights, knocked myself out on the stairs, and dropped straight down, between the flights, to land in a heap at my sisters feet, head first.

Obviously, my arrival was a little quicker than my sister had expected, and a little more violent, so she went to the sitting room to explain, to my parents and grandparents, that her brother had just arrived suddenly at her feet. *They didn't believe her*

Apparently, they only came out into the hall to inspect the damage once I started coming round, and started making a lot of noise.

I managed to get a fairly bad concusion from that one, but was convinced for years that I had only fallen down three steps...
(Damien_The_Unbeliever, Mon 6 Sep 2004, 20:29, Reply)

One time, in primary school...
I rode my bike into a wire re-enforced window.

I was riding around the playground, and just at the worst time the handle bars twist all the way round as far as they could go, and I am suddenly travelling perpendicular to where I want to be heading. I topple, face hits afore mentioned glass-wire composite material of the first aid bay (irony, eh?) and I get knocked-out for a few seconds.

I have very little memory of the events after this. I end up in the local doctor's place with a rather busted-up face. End up with a scar on my cheek.

Add that to the scar on my neck (from an operation when I was eleven, needed because some sort of bee stung me when on holiday in spain), and people have actually believed me in the past when I've told them I've been in two knife fights and let the each guy cut me once before I killed them.

That last bit is a lie, by the way.

Apologies for length. I can ramble on at times.....
( MBar And now back to your regularily scheduled lurking., Mon 6 Sep 2004, 20:17, Reply)

This very weekend...
...my GF somehow managed to tear a not inconsiderable slice off my helmet while going down on me. It's started to scab over and no matter how much I wash, it looks dead manky. Surprisingly it doesn't really hurt that much. Could take a photo if you like?
(MyName, Mon 6 Sep 2004, 18:35, Reply)

i wasn't even wanking at the time,
but SOMEHOW a long hair from my head (and I have very long hair) became WEDGED up my cock. By at least 2 inches. I have no idea how this happens.

Now you may think that this wouldn't hurt at all (especially if you've seen the dildo-up-penis video, you'd think this is childs play). But it did. It hurt like fuck. It felt like a giant paper-cut being torn up the inside of my pee-pee when I pulled it out.

So I just rolled around on the floor for a while.

--

Ooh - another. I was once walking beside my house, and decide it would be fun to kick the football I am holding straight up. I do so, and it doesn't come back. Looking up I see a good portion of my roof collapsing onto me, and to top it off the football then hit me in the face.

--

At my first primary school someone hit a cricket-ball into my mouth and knocked my front two teeth out. I still bear the scars (in the - have crooked front teeth way).

--

Once, me and my friend had an HILARIOUS game - based on Fight Club - where we would take it in turns to punch each other in the face. It was all fun fun fun (well, reasonably fun) until he punched me in the the ear. Painful. But the force of that pushed me into a door, where I hurt my other ear on that. And then fell over as the door opened.

:(

*will try to remember more*
( stevierar, Mon 6 Sep 2004, 17:41, Reply)

hymen to heaven
1st boyfriend - hideous rat faced freak (you get it where you can at 14) - reckoned he was a bit of a tortured vampire a la Anne Rice and all that shite - grew his hair/finger nails v long. 1st ever fingering experience so reckon i was intact - the twunt sliced me a new gash - bled and bled - had to tell my mum and everything - oh the shame - got my own back tho - told everyone he had premature ejaculation (which he probably did)
( ting, Mon 6 Sep 2004, 17:41, Reply)

superman crash lands
not so embarrasing, but grimace-worthy nonetheless...
years ago my dad was just nipping off for the sunday papers on his racing bike when he decided his saddle was a bit too low, so got out the spanner out and adjusted it. lovely - except he didnt realise that he'd pulled it so far out that there was less than 1cm of the stem actually in the bike frame.
imagine his shock then when, cruising down a freshly gravelled main road at top speed, the saddle suddenly collapsed and he parted company with the bike and became well acquainted with the rapidly moving road surface, using the palms of his hands and underside of his body as brakes. luckily it was a sunday morning, so no traffic about to run him over.
but he was picking little bits of grit out of his hands for months after, the poor sod!
(littlerichardsmustache, Mon 6 Sep 2004, 17:39, Reply)

legz akimbo...
climbing tree aged 6. get to top of aforementioned tree, start shouting abuse at my brother below. try to throw an apple (t'was an apple tree you see) at aforementioned brother, topple and fall. Land v badly and fracture pelvis v badly. was in hospital with a sausage shaped cushion between my legs for what felt like an eternity. i still have problems with me legs, mainly with keeping them closed according to my ex.
( ting, Mon 6 Sep 2004, 16:21, Reply)

When MY little bruvver was only 3...
...he was playing a game with my Dad, which involved him (my brother) jumping off the kitchen table into my Dad's waiting arms. Great game - until my Dad turned his head to speak to my mother, and Li'l Bro picks JUST that moment to launch himself into the air... very THIN air as it turns out, but the ground was thick enough to break his collar bone.

Addendum: 10 years later, he broke the same collar bone by falling off a 3-inch high kerb!
(fractalpat John - Stop that laughing!, Mon 6 Sep 2004, 16:21, Reply)

Adventures at Bus stop
Just the other day I was traveling home on the bus, and I thought it would be rather dashing to jump out before the bus had stopped.

I did so.

I managed to jump right into a lamp post, roll a couple of times, dislodging my schoolbag and emitting a sound quite resemblent of a car putting on the brakes as I arrested my momentum with my face.

After the dust had settled, I got up, dusted myself and picked up my schoolbag. I then realised that my performance had not gone unnoticed.

All of the passengers on the bus, as well as a few cars behind it, were staring at me.

Determined to show them the British gentleman's reserve in the face of adversity, I waved rather merrily and proceeded to walk straight into the lamp post again.

Amazingly, I didn't get a scratch.
(DarkLite swallowed my entire undercarriage, Mon 6 Sep 2004, 16:20, Reply)

Old uni team rugby legend
not sure if its true or not, but what the hey. Chap goes down after a nasty tackle and starts screaming, turns out his lag had popped out at the hip. Nasty indeed. The trained runs out, and seeing the problem, immediately pops blokes leg back in. Thats when the screaming REALLY starts. Yank the mans trousers off to see what's wrong, and they've only gone and caught a bollock in between bone and socket when they popped it back in. Two quick pops and he's slightly the worse for wear, but no long term damage.

Witnessed this one with mine own eyes. Was at scouts many a year ago, and a twunt by the name of Chris Stillwell decided he'd be awesome and shimmy up the flagpole. Once he's impressively far up, he dicides to slide down, because, hey, he's cool. He proceeds to slide over the little hook that's used to wrap the flagrope around, neatly slicing his testicles open in the process. He spends the next 2 minutes wandering around with his balls literally hanging out, and his face a disturbing shade of white, before being driven to A&E. The catcalls of "stilly stilly got no willy" started the next day. in his impotent fury could do was slowly waddle towards us.

I apologise for nothing!
(Eumphazard, Mon 6 Sep 2004, 16:19, Reply)

last one i swear
i've got my own terrible drunken habit of throwing/attempting to flip myself onto anything soft on the way home, in particular bushes.
we were on our way back from a night out and i was diving onto lawns, trees, etc. encouraged by the apparent amount of fun i was having my mate did the same thing, jumping into a bush.
following his lead, i jumped into a different bush, and found myself upside down in a thorn bush. my hands, arms and face were covered in little tiny really irritating thorns, and i managed to pull the last one out about six months later...
( krang, Mon 6 Sep 2004, 16:17, Reply)

another one...
this guy i used to live with has a habit of getting really drunk and punching/kicking car wing mirrors off.
he was doing it a few months ago when the mirror smashed, slicing the skin on the side of his hand down to the bone. had to have loads of stiches and six weeks off work.
i don't think he'll be doing that again in a hurry.
( krang, Mon 6 Sep 2004, 16:13, Reply)

not really life threatening
but my mate came into school one day with a big red circle on his forehead. i asked him how he did it and he said he sucked on a film cannister then moved it round his face onto his forehead and left it there for 20 minutes.
he looked like a twat for the whole day.
( krang, Mon 6 Sep 2004, 16:11, Reply)

ethanolics
paramedic speak for pissed up people...(they call them ethanolic instead of drunk to avoid an arguement with the patient over whether he/she is actually drunk or not) goes something like this:

ethanolic attempts to buy cigarettes from cigarette machine.

cigarette machine doesn't give out cigarettes.

infuriated ethanolic shoulder barges cigarette machine, and complains of pain in upper arm.

ethanolic's friends assume ethanolic has dislocated shoulder.

ethanolic's friends attempt to relocate shoulder.

ethanolic didn't have a dislocated shoulder, he/she now has a broken arm due to attempted relocation, and a fracture of the collar bone inflicted by the fag machine.

doh.


( ExactlyHowLongDoIHaveToBeHere, Mon 6 Sep 2004, 16:08, Reply)

previous post reminded me
that a friend of mine had an accident whilst we were leaving my grandparents house. There is a lamp-post directly in front of their garden wall. The garden is raised from street level, so you could run, jump, grab the lamp-post and slide down it to exit th property.

Quite a cool thing to do, but he managed to push one of his testicles back up into the un-dropped position. Needless to say a visit to the hospital was required.
(garfi3ld, Mon 6 Sep 2004, 15:43, Reply)

Deep Heat cures all
A friend had seen someone he knew on the bus and decided to do an impression - jumping up and down on the couch and making mong noises. It was when he stopped the mong noises and started howling with pain that we realised something was wrong. His dad offered up some Deep Heat but eventually gave in and got him to hospital where they popped the dislocated shoulder back in...
(Monsieur Allotrope is taking Tiger Mountain from behind, Mon 6 Sep 2004, 15:30, Reply)

No hands.
Got this story off a manager I worked with and belive it to be true.
He said he went into a pub once were he met a girl who had both her arms in plaster and pins going down the shafts of every finger. When he enquired what had happened she explained.
Apparently she worked in a paper factory where they have big guillotine machines. You push the wad of paper in and press the button and the blade comes down and trims the paper. So, young lady had put the paper in, pressed the button and nothing happened. So she reached into the machine, lined up the paper again and "thwamp", blade comes down and chops both her hands off!!! Now you might think thats bad but the best bit is her natural first instinct was to try and pick up her hands which were lying on the machine....
(maddave, Mon 6 Sep 2004, 14:53, Reply)

my bloke has many scars and dents
my favourite story is the one that goes with his broken front tooth. He walked into a lamp post when reading an x-men comic. Bless, you may think - but he was 18 at the time!
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 6 Sep 2004, 14:18, Reply)

when me and my brother were 5 and 6
we had seen the nice lady on playschool make a flute using a carrot and a knife.we wanted!! So we got two knives and two carrots and went to sit on the driveway under the big trees and cut out our flutes.I did mine first because,well,i was older.Success!Mine worked!Now it was Little brothers turn.3 words.Slice..slice...scream!!The knife had slipped and cut into the bottom of his first finger to the bone!needless to say,he bled.and bled and bled and bled and bled.anyway,long story short,he got a lovely wiggles band-aid and a hug while i got to throw up*.

Also when i was 3 and at the stage of being a twat until i 'GOT',I climbed onto the table and pretended to be superman.into the ironing board.I broke my arm that day!How many people can or want to say that?

*I can't remember if i threw up but i do recall it so there.
(That guy with a hat., Mon 6 Sep 2004, 14:07, Reply)

And me...
...when I was about five, I set fire to the carpet in the living room. I ran outside where my parents were playing swingball. I managed to get out the words "fire" and "carpet" before my Dad caught me square in the forehead with a backswing. Luckily, my mother had heard me and sorted out the fire. And my Dad tried to revive me. Twenty years later I've still got the scar. And I'm still scared of swingball bats too.
( mrlogic is copying your beard, Mon 6 Sep 2004, 13:02, Reply)

Not me, my brother...
...he's the kind of guy that gets quite excited when playing computer games. Actually, no, excited isn't quite the word. More 'hysterical', and not in a funny way. Screaming is a favourite of his. And leaping up, running around the room with the controller while making strange, otherworldly utterings. Let's just say he gets very tense. So that's the background. On this particular day, he was at a friend's house playing some footy game or the other (FIFA 99?) and acting in his usual manner. Suddenly, his chance came. He had the ball, he'd made a cracking run past the defenders and only had the goalie facing him (controlled by the aforementioned friend). He shoots. He scores! Unleashing an almighty squeal of delight.

And suddenly, he's in pain where no male of the species should ever be allowed to be in pain.

He went home.

He told our mother his sack had turned purple.

She touched it (!!!!!) and it was hard.

He went to the hospital.

Turns out he'd screamed so hard he'd twisted a testicle. Genius.

He was in hospital for about three days after surgery. What made it all worthwhile was seeing our entire family, all of his mates, a good deal of my mates, all the nurses, the doctors and other people generally hanging around the ward, taking the piss. Mercilessly. Without end. My favourite quip came from my Dad. He said, "Well son, you can be farmer now." My brother (high on morphine at the time) asked why. "Because you've got a couple of ache-ers there!", he replied. Groan.

(sorry about the length, first post and got over-excited)
( mrlogic is copying your beard, Mon 6 Sep 2004, 12:57, Reply)

Fire....
The old flaming Drambuie trick, a little spit of Drambuie in little goblet glasses, set fire to them, then stick them to your body, the vacuum holds them there. My old record was 22 of them.

This time, V. V. drunk, no drambuie available, but the flaming Sambuca glasses seemed like a good idea, no they aren't, particularly if you spill the flaming liquid down you before you stick the glass to your chest, agent orange alert, this stuff sticks like glue and keeps on burning. 2nd degree burns, huge great cold cream chest pack on for 2 weeks, a visit to the hospital every day with the doctor bringing his mates in so I could tell them how it happened, and some pictures taken for a book called 'Most stupid drunk accidents we have seen' or something like that.

Cool scars though :-)
(woffy, Mon 6 Sep 2004, 12:38, Reply)