more classics, but you had to be there really
...such as the time I let oe off on history. This can be compared to nothing else put a corpse, and the entire class were holding their noses. Our subsitute teacher for the day: "Ok, I don't know what your all doing, and he's set no work for you, so just get some paper, keep it down and open a window, please. Thankyou."

... such as the time I was lying half back on my leather chair and my girlfriend at the time pu her head on my chest. Looked at me and said "you dirty twat" and walked out the room.

... such as the time I warned my aforementiioned ex-girlfriend I farted and that she'd hate me for it, with a bit of smug pleasure. As she was sitting down she moved farwards and tried to annoy me going "bet it doesnt even smell!" (as she knew I'd be disspointed if it didn't) However, as she moved back into her chair, she said in the same breath "you horrible bastard" and indeed walked out, as she was safe sittig back, but unfortantly had just put her face into the gas cloud, if you will.

She threw up 5 minutes later as I, in my best gentlemen fashion, proceeded to stand there laughing and pointing at her.
(billybobbean is still trying to make it QOTW's best of the week, Mon 16 Jul 2007, 3:40, Reply)

Once, whilst I was having a piss my dad farted downstairs and I could hear it from the bathroom it was that loud and started laughing straight away, whilst trying to keep pissing straight and not on my shoe
In fact, I just started laughing thinking about it now.

That is all.
(billybobbean is still trying to make it QOTW's best of the week, Mon 16 Jul 2007, 3:27, Reply)

Farting in Bed
You may pass wind infront of a women only after going out with her for several months. But if you push her head under the Quilt and Fart for Flatulent entertainment you're practically engaged.
Thats what I tell the mrs anyway when I treat her to a Dutch Oven.
( Laird Dave Draws Now charges to take off his clothes., Mon 16 Jul 2007, 3:16, Reply)

Strange things make me fart, it seems.
Jelly Belly jelly beans- the little intensely flavored ones- will give me a bad case of the farts the next day if I eat enough of them. (I think it's the sugar in them getting through to my large intestine and overfeeding the bacteria in there.) They're worse than the ind that grow in the ground.

But stranger than that- whiskey of any sort will do it to me. Seven Crown, Jack Daniels, even expensive highland single malts will give me the Green Mist the following day, which is then followed by an act similar to clearing a drain with a plunger. Abruptly my insides will empty out with a sound like relish in a squeeze bottle and a smell like Courtney Love after a long weekend.

I now greatly limit my scotch drinking and stick to beer. It's either that or give up hope of ever getting laid again.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Mon 16 Jul 2007, 3:11, Reply)

Related, sorta...
My father is a fan of fart jokes, sadly. When I was thirteen he told me the following:

There once was a man from Rangoon
whose farts could be heard to the moon.
They'd rip through his rectum
when he'd least expect 'em
with the force of a raging typhoon.

I've been trying my best ever since to forget that one...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Mon 16 Jul 2007, 3:00, Reply)

Parp
I work for a dodgy digital channel as a camera man. On yet another wonderful hungover day, I was in a right shitter of a mood and I really had to bum-laugh.

Usually on a hungover day, I'll find a quiet spot, and do a test-parp; that is, to parp, and then see if there is a smell. The logic being, if there's a smell, you'd better hold them in all day, if there's none, you're free to parp to your hearts content!

But I hadn't test-parped all day so I couldn't tell if my parps were smelly or not. So even though I was on cameras; people around me, I decided I'd squeeze off a small test-parp to see if it was bad.

It was bad.

Hiroshima bad.

It was so bad, the presenter had to call for a commercial break so he could get away from the smell.

I dunno what it is about somebody smelling your parp, but it put an end to my bad mood and had me smiling for the rest of the day! :)
(badly drunk boy, Mon 16 Jul 2007, 2:43, Reply)

Not actually my fartyness but
Whenever I hear (which since school is pretty rare indeed) "the Purple headed mountains, The river running by"
in the hymn "all things bright and beautiful" or even think of it for that matter I just fall into a fit of sniggers due to when I was in primary school our rather large headmisstress would take assembly plonked in front of a piano.
She reached those immortall lines and as "the river" was running by so also was an erruption of Vesuvian magnitude coming from her personage.
Suffice to say she started to play the piano with more force to cover it up.It was so loud that some of the smaller kids began to cry. Never saw her in the same light after that.
( sPUNKer do your pictures for nothing get abuse for free, Mon 16 Jul 2007, 1:53, Reply)

Message for airliebird
The best poos EVER come from a mix of Guiness and McDonalds Meals. Slimy yet slidy. A great relaxant.
(Wrecked Tums, Mon 16 Jul 2007, 0:58, Reply)

I cant believe i almost forgot about this one!
I would've been 4, maybe 5, and i was in foster care with my brother (with our first set of foster parents who we stayed with for 18 months). Basically, the foster parents were cunts - they bought us boxing gloves for fucks sake and then made us fight each other... but because i was smaller than my brother, who was 2 years older, foster "dad" took control of my arms and started to punch for me. My bro had a bloody nose and a fat lip.

Then there was the time that i hungrily scoffed a banana sandwich, it was delicious... "can i have another please" i asked. What i was given was simply a thickly spread english mustard sandwich. Cunts.

There's a load more dodgy little tidbits but it gets me wound up thinking about them, plus, im lazy and i can't be bothered to type them.

Anyway, its not all bad. In one of the happier times i was play fighting with foster dad. He was wrestling me on the floor when i had a genius idea. i sat on his face (facing his, er... hair i guess?) and gave him a hot-beefy-eggo... directly into his mouth.

He immediately pushed me off and ran for the kitchen where he was physically sick in the sink.

hahaaa, cunt!

although, come to think of it, maybe the fart incident came first... that'd explain quite a lot.
(A Hospital Carpark, Mon 16 Jul 2007, 0:55, Reply)

Oh gods!
I'm on Xenical, a prescribed weight loss drug. Long story short, it pushes 1/3 of the fat you take in from the meal, back out. Great if you watch your fat contents... not if you don't.

The one time, the day after a Chinese meal (it was my "the day after your birthday" treat), i let one rip.

And boy did i let one rip. There was this sound rather like a jacuzzi, and the back of my pants, bottoms, even the bottom of my t-shirt became saturated. I was lucky i was standing, it could have been worse... It took me over an hour in the shower scrubbing and re-scrubbing, trying to get rid of that smell. Oh gods the smell! The stuff that shot out with that rather powerful fart, was all but pure grease with a hint of Chinese food smell. I was paranoid for days.

Ever since that day, i keep farts in. I'd rather explode internally, than explode externally.
(InternetRed Oh gods! RUN!, Mon 16 Jul 2007, 0:42, Reply)

My dad....
He was a quiet, well mannered, polite man! Always said please, thank you etc. When he burped he'd always say pardon me but when he farted it was as if nothing had happened!!

He wouldn't say a word....not even blink! Big loud trumping and he'd just carry on as if all he'd done was breathe!
Us kids would have to run off to our rooms to laugh up our sleeves!!!
('O' She's my rolemodel!, Mon 16 Jul 2007, 0:33, Reply)

oho!
Another one, a trick to play on your friends, courtesy of Vic and Bob:

You: Have you farted?
Them: No
You: What, never?


And heres a little rhyme from my brother:

"I've farted, I've farted,
I've done a trouser cough,
I've whistled in my Y-fronts,
I've just peeled one off.
I've blown my bloody brains out,
I've been eating beans,
I've shit myself,
I've dropped my guts,
Open the window please!"
(Wrecked Tums, Mon 16 Jul 2007, 0:10, Reply)

fanny farts
i can also do fanny farts - really loud but non-smelly ones on command. U lie back with knees uo & sort of tense ur stomach muscles to draw in air, then slowly sit up to push the air out. it's relly classy & a good ice-breaker ;-)
(newname, Mon 16 Jul 2007, 0:05, Reply)

gym bum
i go to the gym most days, & jogging on the treadmill tends to shake my bottoms burps out - unfortunately, the exercise bike is right next to me, so the poor cyclists head is just at the right height to get a good faceful :-)

Also, i tend to wear rather tight lycra shorts when running, cos they hold my bum in & stop my fat jiggling around. after an hour, they (and my bum-crack) get rather sweaty, so when i squeeze one out, it forms a bubble that rolls up my crack, then pops out the top. It feels soooo nice.

farting in the bath is also nice. it's like a home jacuzzi for poor people.

PS. i'm a girl. sorry to let the sisterhood down, but we fart, and we love it!!
(newname, Mon 16 Jul 2007, 0:02, Reply)

happened to a friend of mine named Nick
This Nicholas had risen for a piss,
And thought that it would carry on the jape
To have his arse kissed by this jack-a-nape.
And so he opened window hastily,
And put his arse out thereat, quietly,
Over the buttocks, showing the whole bum;
And thereto said this clerk, this Absalom,
"O speak, sweet bird, I know not where thou art."

This Nicholas just then let fly a fart
As loud as it had been a thunder-clap,
And well-nigh blinded Absalom, poor chap;
But he was ready with his iron hot
And Nicholas right in the arse he got.

It may have been a while back.
(linear, Sun 15 Jul 2007, 23:59, Reply)

I work as a waiter
and take pleasure in quietly farting near people when they are eating. Also farting near people in shops, pubs and clubs, quickly walking away and looking back to see their expression amuses me greatly.
( Malaka omdz, Sun 15 Jul 2007, 23:59, Reply)

Oh and this evening ...
I mostly followed through.
(grangeb77 bored of sigs. boom zig, Sun 15 Jul 2007, 23:58, Reply)

Not me but my brother ...
Long ago my parents were having a posh dinner party, think Margo and Jerry from the Good Life. Anyway, in the middle, my brother goes out into the kitchen to get the next course, opens the fridge door and lets a tremendous fart rip into the fridge and shuts the door. He said in a loud voice, You can keep that for later. So when they get their puddings out of the fridge oddly enough nobody is all that keen ...
(grangeb77 bored of sigs. boom zig, Sun 15 Jul 2007, 23:55, Reply)

The funniest fart story ive ever heard
was from the back pages of FHM. basically, i'm a thief.

Anyway, it told of a plumber who had been called round to service the boiler of a well-to-do lady in her 50s.

He took a look, diagnosed the problem and explained it to her before getting on with the job.

*gets bored of typing*

...basically, he had to repair something which involved him kneeling on the kitchen work surface, let out a big "i had 3 sausages, 2 fried eggs, 4 slices of bacon and beans for breakfast" kinda fart - she was standing right behind him. the end. there you go... happy now?
(A Hospital Carpark, Sun 15 Jul 2007, 23:52, Reply)

Cocoa-Dusted Almonds
I get cocoa-dusted almonds whenever I can because they taste so good. But if I eat more than a few at a time, the next day I get a lot of smelly farts and diarrhea-a really shitty hangover.
(SpiffyBalak, Sun 15 Jul 2007, 23:46, Reply)

*Funny title*
As a lady, I don't normally release wind. But I will concede to doing it once...
I was having an endoscope done. I always get these done under General Anastethic (sp?) cos I don't sedate very well at all. (Opposite effect, I go mental, but anyway) During the endoscope they pump your stomach full of air so they can look around. But as I was under GA, I didn't burp and release some of the air during and after the procedure. So, once I came round a bit and was awake enough to be mortified, I started feeling major rumblings in my gut. Big groans and squelches. I could feel it moving downwards.... I knew there was something brewing... And then - an intestine full of air comes launching out of my *ahem* back passage. Huge gust, after gust. For a good few hours. No smell, thankfully, but the amount of air! I couldn't control myself. Worse was that the nurses were doing half hourly obs, and would laugh long and hard at me.... Meanies.
And that is the only time I have had ever farted.*


*May be a lie.
(Beauty School Drop-out, Sun 15 Jul 2007, 23:43, Reply)

Ye Gods
I am a vegetarian and have been for many years, but every now and again, something new will set me off.

Bergen Soya and Linseed bread, now that stuff really made me fart the biggest window rattlers I have ever produced. It took me a couple of weeks to work out what was having the effect too. Thankfully they were only loud and not nasally offensive.

I am such a nice girly too.... honest!
( Rev. Jayneflakes Buy my book, I need the cash for drugs and hookers, Sun 15 Jul 2007, 23:24, Reply)

Allow me to 'roast this one...
Back in year 10, there was a coachload of us on a school trip to Germany. There was some serious misbehaviour on this trip, and this incident isn't all of it. Anyway, some boys in another room had vodka. One of the boys in my room (Sean) had been drinking said vodka. Except that his drink had been heavily spiked with laxative as a prank. He had major diarrhoea and flatulence, and was in the toilet at every opportunity. Not the best place to be with a long coach journey the next day. We took the piss (no, not that kind) out of him for absolutely ages after that. Legendary.
( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Sun 15 Jul 2007, 23:19, Reply)

I would tell you a story,
but first - pull my finger.
( Elvis of Nazareth This isn't a sig, it's a fucking liberty., Sun 15 Jul 2007, 23:02, Reply)

Hmm
When I was a kid, me, my sister, my mum and my nan went to Majorca.

We had two rooms. Me and my sister were in one, and my mum and my nan had the other.

My nan had been eating fish that evening, and we went to bed. My nan and my mum followed later.

All night, me and my sister heard the most awful sounding fart noises. The only way my mum survived was to stick her head out the window all night.
(Ok, I'll get me coat, Sun 15 Jul 2007, 22:57, Reply)

it was all over in moments
This happened to me last year in specsavers. I was chewing gum when I came to the desk and had a bit too much saliva sloshing around, so when I opened my mouth to talk to the fortysomething lady behind the counter I showered her with spit. After our brief silent, embarrassment paralysis I began my "oh my god I'm SO sorry..." when she laughed, so hard in fact that she farted LOUD, a fantastic honking one that sounded like James Blunt. I get my contacts by lensmail now.
( rollthetroll el presidente, Sun 15 Jul 2007, 22:53, Reply)

battling it out
Me and my boyfriend sometimes have fart battles.

Lulz.
(Dracia flailed on, Sun 15 Jul 2007, 22:51, Reply)

Family farting
I just remembered two more things.
When I was about eight I was at a friends house and her sister had her friends for a sleep-over.
There was one girl who nobody really liked and they only invited her over because they felt sorry for her.
The morning after they all woke up before her, and took it in turns to squat over her head and fart into her face. Luckily the girl didn't wake up during this, or i'm sure she would have been scarred for life due to this behaviour from her "friends."

Also, every night without fail, my mum, after eating her tea, will sneeze the loudest sneezes. It's not common to hear her let rip a huge one during this.
( Lollylegs lite, Sun 15 Jul 2007, 22:41, Reply)

Farting
I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years now and we have never farted in front of each other, which I know it's stupid but I think now it's been too long to do it.

This means that whenever i'm around him i'm always holding them in, which means I get a horrible tummy and i'm pretty sure I accidentally let one rip while alseep in bed with him anyway.
I do usually wait until he's gone to the toilet to fill his room with gasses. I bet he wonders why his bedroom smells of his Lynx by the time he gets back.
( Lollylegs lite, Sun 15 Jul 2007, 22:24, Reply)

whenever i fart in our garden...
and realise our neighbours are in their garden as well, i simply put the blame on one of my kids.

at least i start getting my own back after all these sleepless nights.
( bierbelly, Sun 15 Jul 2007, 22:08, Reply)