Lying cunt
Years ago my little brother fell down the stairs and broke his arm. For the following 2/3 weeks he'd tell anyone who'd listen that I pushed him.
Needless to say, I was very much a grounded chappy. Anyway, when my name had been cleared there was much resentment between us.
So I waited til his cast came off and really pushed him down the stairs. :) Only went and broke his other arm. Fragile twat.
( Whippersnapper, Wed 15 Nov 2006, 9:35, Reply)

Catholics
I grew up in Italy, and being the catholic country that it is, my school was strongly influenced by priests, nuns and the like.

In one of the most intelligent moves I have *ever* witnessed, my friend swapped the crucifix on our chapel altar with the local tobacconist's "Be Back Later" sign.

Needless to say, the assembly that day turned out into a witch hunt for a twelve year old, who was lucky not to be excomunicated from the church.

Too far? Well, in a country where multiculturalism is considered a bad disease it sort of was...it even made headlines in the local news!

Maybe what Italy needs are a few ASBO kids on the loose....
(destrasinistra, Wed 15 Nov 2006, 9:21, Reply)

i went to far on b3ta...
i came on here and read too many fucking posts about missing bus stops or train stops so i went shopping, bought some great kitchen knives, and proceeded to gut all those people who dont read all of these before posting a story...

then i drove back to sunderland, but ended up in glasgow... fucksocks...too far

(look it was that or the fact toofar sounded like toffee when i was pished)
(tranCendenZ eXistenZ IS PAUSED! on, Wed 15 Nov 2006, 2:23, Reply)

half an inch
His name was Andy and he'd just been dumped by his girlfriend - poor bloke. Anyway, he went out to drown his sorrows and got completely and utterly destroyed as you would. He decides that this would be the perfect time to go and visit the ex so he heads round to her flat. Rings the buzzer but no answer, shouts up at the window for ages but no answer. Too far?

In his drunken state he decides he'll be able to climb the drainpipe up to her window - it was only the first floor after all. Well he gets most of the way up and starts shouting her name again but there's still no answer. Too far?

He tries to climb a little higher - too far - but unsurprisingly loses his footing and falls a good 9 feet... onto the spiked railings below. He gets pierced in the arse just in the crease where your arse meets your leg, literally half an inch from his scrote.

Stupid bastard was lucky not be castrated by a rusty pole.
(BIV was recently envatted., Wed 15 Nov 2006, 1:46, Reply)

Mobile Masturbation
My friend, proceeding to do his early morning paperound, was cycling along on his bike when he came across a discarded porno magazine in the bushes.
So he did what any young teenager would do, and browse through the magazine and have a wank.

While still riding on his bike.
(Nibi, Wed 15 Nov 2006, 0:43, Reply)

How to embarass the unembarassable (If thats a word)
So, me and my friend Ben were sittin on the bus back from college a couple of years ago when, at the front of the bus, we spotted a bald guy. Thinking there was nothing out of the ordinary we just carried on talking about how the bus we were on stank of piss (fuckin old people smell).

Aaaanyways, the bald man rose from his seat sporting the most amazing mullet ever. Resembeling a mudflap of all things.

Upon seeing this monstrosity I preceeded to jump up at the back of the bus and shout "Oh my god look at his hair!!!! Its a mudflap-mullet!!!"

Ben is impossible to embarrass, yet, that outburst caused him to hide himself at the back of the bus

too far?
(deathstars Stephen Hawking Burned Me Off At The Lights, Wed 15 Nov 2006, 0:21, Reply)

conversation...
well I was about 13 at the time, but the conversation was a deep one into religion, torture etc (the two go hand in hand right?) but anyway.

him: I mean, Jews... tortured for their religion, why? weres the justification...

me: well, Jews have been persicuted throughout time, from before the birth of christ to the end of the 2nd world war..... i say why stop now?....... IT'S TRADITION!

EDIT: i'm not a jew hater at all :P it was a "moment of warped clarity"
(lightie, Wed 15 Nov 2006, 0:05, Reply)

I really wanted to impress my dad
So I found out this guy I used to know had some toys that I told him he wasn't allowed to have, so I told all my friends that I was going to go and find him and take all his toys because he talked funny and didn't listen to what I told him to do all the time.

Anyways, so I go over to his place and I looked all over for my toys... I mean his toys, but I couldn't find them and he wasn't around. I couldn't even find his friend that came over to my house one time and played. If I had found him, I would've probably punched him hard or something.

Anyways, I trashed his place, even though it was already a shithole. I called it "improvements" lol! Also, I went back home and told all my real friends that he was a liar and he was just trying to act all cool like us or whatever and he didn't even have those toys like he said he did. What a loser!

So yeah, my dad has got to be the proudest dad ever, like for sure.

Mission accomplished wooyay!

I don't 'pologize fer nuthin'!

It's 'cause I'm so awesome.

-George W.
(GeorgieBoy, Tue 14 Nov 2006, 23:54, Reply)

Bongo Man
Remember when you were young and it was fun to throw eggs at things?
Well me and my mate were drunk once and decided to go egg a random house. We chose a flat window because there were Christmas decorations up and it was early November. From this point on it became tradition to egg the same window every time I went to my mates house... which was ever few days. A few months later (and hundreds of eggs) we drunkenly staggered down the road for another egg bombardment, I was literally carrying my mate, when after launching one egg we saw the flat-occupant standing in the window very angrily shaking his fist... we ran/staggered up an alleyway as fast as possible.
When I arrived safely back at his house I was alone. Later I found him asleep in a large bramble patch.

I think what really made it "too far" is that he was only so drunk because id been spiking his beer with vodka and tequila all night.

Apologies to the guy we egged for length of time.
(Roopy all is not what it seams, Tue 14 Nov 2006, 23:16, Reply)

true story
My wife put forks in the knife draw
so i had her exported
(abignumber, Tue 14 Nov 2006, 21:54, Reply)

Want To Know What Going Too Far Is?
going too far is finding Sickipedia, clicking 'Edit' on the main page, deleting everything and writing "I Wanna Beat The Crap Outta All Of u And ben debbage is gay"

Dont know about you but I get the distinct feeling that whoever wrote this is a complete cunt.
(littlenipple hate's bad grammar, Tue 14 Nov 2006, 21:49, Reply)

i only ever expressed a little dislike..
...but 6 million later i knew it had gone to far.




*ping* oh, i was told it would bleed
(ZZ, Tue 14 Nov 2006, 21:36, Reply)

Happened just now
Having a discussion with some friends about recent dreams, what they mean, and why they happen. It was an interesting conversation about philosophy and interpretation of your subconscious, and a really open insight into the minds of these people I've known for years. Until one of them said "I had a dream last night that your sister gave me a blowjob, she's 16 isn't she?".

Too far.
(A Good Egg, Tue 14 Nov 2006, 21:19, Reply)

Taking Sport Too Far?
One summertime at school just before we broke up for the holidays a few friends of mine decided to invent a new sport as we were bored one lunch.

Frugby as it was called (for that was its name) was a mixture between Frisbee and Rugby. There were two teams, one defending the goal and one attacking, the attacking team started with the Frug (aka a Frisbee) and they would try to get the Frug into the goal. There were few other rules, this meant that you could take down, injure, maim, rape or whatever you wanted to do to the other team to stop them winning....so this regularly ended up in injuries and the game was banned within the week.


We recently found a video we made of a Frugby match, and in the short 5 minute game, we broke one shoulder bone, one nose as well as miscellaneous other injuries:

The Video @ www.youtube.com/watch?v=7kw4mjoST4s

Frugby, taking sport too far?

Click I like this if you agree! (and do it if you dont as well ;-))
( Jimbo314 is drunk on, Tue 14 Nov 2006, 21:02, Reply)

hmmm greasy
Once upon a time in sixth form, there was a guy named "broady" He was a huge guy, built like a brick shite house, and used to indulge in such manly activities as listening to cradle of filth, and practicing wrestling moves.

All well and good, however he used to have long hair (early pink Floyd stylee) which he never washed, he used to retort "after three months it washes its self"(this is blatant lies everyone)

Now as it was a sixth form as is the tradition the common room was used as a laboratory for various flame based experiments. (such as do paper airplanes fly well when burning, and do they look realistic.)

we were in possession of a "jet" lighter that day, and were proceeding to heat up a penny to see if it melts (it does)

Broady comes in and sits down. someone had just heard about what happens when you mix pure oxygen with oil (instant flames) someone else was regaling the story about pilot who lost his hair after using to much brill cream and putting his oxygen mask on wrong.

I dunno why, but i thought: i wonder how flammable broady's hair is? Cue me sneaking up to him and unleashing jet based fierygoodness upon his hair.

he didn't realise what i was doing untill everyone started to ask what the smell was. He turned round and said something about if i didn't disappear sharpish he wd40(i didnt know if that was a sexual or a wrestling move) me onto a desk.

but the important thing is that we now know that greasy hair is no more or less flammable than normal hair.
(KaiserPro captain arse rape, Tue 14 Nov 2006, 20:14, Reply)

Oy Vey
I'm eating pizza with some friends whilst watching a film, and one of my friends suddenly comes up with the observation that there are generally lots of Jews in films. After explaining to her that the market was monopolised in the rich land of America following their emigration from Germany during the war, another friend points out "Yeah, I remember, there were a few Jews in Schindler's List..."

A few giggles. Then silence.

"...but not for long."
(Sparkytus is obviously not a golfer, Tue 14 Nov 2006, 19:39, Reply)

there was the time one of my stoned mates
called daniel osuji t bagged another of my friends called grant elmer. one from hatfield one from welwyn. well when grant found out about having a big black mans balls plopped on his head he was out to seek revenge with a vengance. grant bided his time untill daniel was stoned drunk and unconcious untill he whipped out his genitals and went to town on daniels face. he may or may not have gone a bit far when he put his balls away stuck his finger near his arsehole and wiped it just under his nose.
You may be wondering why i posted this without covering up the names, it's mainly because neither are my friends any more.

also my best mate once kicked a pig to death when he was a child. he still laughs every times he tells the story. sick bastard
(fwack bang on it, Tue 14 Nov 2006, 18:46, Reply)

Creamy...
it's a bit longer than i thot it would be i'm afraid...

when my sister turned 18 she decided to have a proper 18th bday party. it was held in a hall and we had a bar and, as usual at these things a buffet.

as this was my sisters party and not mine it was acknowledged i wouldn't really know that many people, hence my parents decided i was to be allowed one friend, katie. at this point as i'm a couple of years younger than my sis i was about 15/16, as was katie.

after a while both being a bit bored we gravitated to the buffet where (as it was homemade) we found some skooshy cream. not really being hungry we started messing about - i say we, but it was katie really. she skooshed some cream on a sausage and deposited it on my nose, and so started the cream fight. both of us then trying to dot each other with cream. up til the point i decided f*ck this and got a paper plate. i proceeded to skoosh cream on it till it was filled rather more than clown style. this i threw at katie and it landed on the side of her head, covering her hair and the right side of the suede coat she'd borrowed from her aunt....too far?

she thot it was and didn't talk to me for about 3 weeks afterwards, but not from my point of view as i actually aimed at the bin which was behind her and to the right, and it would have landed inside ok if only she'd stayed where she was!!! ....we'r still good friends to this day.
(Libran_madness, Tue 14 Nov 2006, 18:44, Reply)

Well,
I have only excommunicated a friend from my life once. I do not want to do it again. We had been friends for over 8 years since we were at school. His dad asked us if we would come up with advertising for a couple of his business's.

I had been working on ideas for adverts for his dads various business ideas day and night, every weekend for 6 months. I came up with brilliant idea after brilliant idea. We made two TV Ad campaigns that I scripted, storyboarded, shot and directed only one was aired but it generated, on average £3000 revenue every day it was on. I was told if they ever made any money, I would be paid! He also said that if we completed these jobs well, treating them as a dry run, we would get loads of more paid jobs to do. I had been out of proper employment for 9 months and could do with some cash.

In the pub with my other friends getting drunk, he turns up an hour and a half after we had arrived without any money to pay for a drink, as usual. After I had bought him a pint of coke, he begins to tell us we are all alcoholics, all we ever do is go to the pub on Friday nights, he didn't drink alcohol ever, as he felt he wasn't in control whilst drunk.

When he proudly told us that his dad had made £10 million from the recent sale of his company, I quite rightly asked to be paid what I reckoned was about £1000 worth of work, infact I should have charged £20.000 for the use of my copywrite. Unfortunately, there was no written contract, just a nod and a handshake. He refused, claimed his dad had not earnt any money, shouted at all of us, calling us all alcoholics, losers, liars and every other name under the sun, infront of the shocked crowd of regulars. He stormed out of the pub never to be seen again.

I'd never entirely trusted him and decided to inform everyone we knew, all of our friends, via an email, everything that had happened. I wrote that I refused to ever talk to him again and I hoped that if our friends valued my friendship they should do likewise and ostricise him from our group. At length I described what a complete untrustworthy, spoiled, snivelling, shitty, little liar he really was.

Nobody ever wants to talk to him again, they have all forgotten about him, but I still feel pangs of guilt for telling everyone about it in an email. It was unfair that he took advantage of my kindly nature and tried to make me feel as though I was in the wrong, but I went too far by sending that email.
( 42 Loves Teh Funphenschnaffles, Tue 14 Nov 2006, 17:38, Reply)

Teenage Rambo's
As a teenager I had a friend called Mark and we used to run around the local woods with airpistols, sheaf knives and bangers he bought in France. We would empty the gunpowder out of a number of bangers to make 'superbangers' and blow up logs. It sounds terrible but we never shot anyone or any animals so what harm were we doing?

Anyway, we got to 16 and I think we probably realised we were too old for that sort of thing and it was getting a tad boring, so we decided to up the ante by entering the "Private" woods that were patrolled by gamekeepers, just to spice things up. We go in all sneaky-sneaky tooled up with our gatguns & knives to play SAS for probably the last time.

After a while we find this brilliant spot where we are in total cover but have a perfect line of sight down the road that cut through the wood. So there we were, two dipshit Andy McNabs in sniper ambush position behind enemy lines avoiding the hunter squad (gamekeeper), led side by side with airpistols at the ready when a car comes into view. Just for shits 'n' giggles I put the car in my sights, "Hey Mark" says I, "i've got a crazy idea"....at which point "ptut-PING" Mark fires at the car as it goes past, turns to me and says "really, what?".

Soon after I went to my 6th form to do A-levels & Mark went off to another college. I haven't seen Mark in 13 years but I looked him up on Friends Reunited last week and wasn't surprised to find out he is a Royal Marine.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Tue 14 Nov 2006, 17:32, Reply)

sticks and stones
hanging around down the local park as most of us did as teenagers of an evening, bored off our tits this particular night decided it would be fun to throw stones at (i'll call him Mark for legal reasons) Mark.

"oi Mark, go and stand over by the wall so we can throw stones at you" says we

"Can wear my crash helmet" says mark

"no" says we

"ok then but no big stones" say mark

Hence a barrage of half bricks and the biggest stones we could luzz at him to the tune of "ow fuck, ow fuck, their fuckin massive you cnuts

Not really taking it too far, but pissing in his crash helmet when he wasn't looking and watching him ride off home to nurse some serious bruising, and seeing lots of dribbly piss seaping out from the spongy padding inside the helmet down his face might have been a bit much.
(Knutsack, Tue 14 Nov 2006, 17:26, Reply)

Nuns - Nuns - Reverse, reverse!
(That's a Father Ted-ism - specifically Father Jack - for those of you that don't know)

I'm reminded by chickenlady's post of my own Catholic primary (boarding) school horror and can agree that Nuns are not just evil, they are actually brides of Satan - the lot of them. The non-nun teachers seemed to also inherit some of that evil - Mrs Blythe springs to mind (The evil bitch)

And breathe - So much for the brain suppressing nasty memories......

Anyhoo.

We'd played Rugby at some other school and lost (of course - well, we were shit) - one of the lads had done something trivial like punch someone on the pitch or something, you know - rugby stuff. The games teacher took exception to this and called a school assembly.

He proceeded to make the boy (who's name I now forget) stand with his fingers on his does and gave him "6 of the best" on his bare arse. With one of his Cricket shoes/spikes/whatever - Now that was too far.

There was no need for that in the slightest.

God I hate Nuns/the catholic faith/etc.

No penis joke here I'm afraid.
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Tue 14 Nov 2006, 17:16, Reply)

I knew i'd gone to far
by getting to page 9 and reading the same 'joke' about travel at least 20 fooking times, i'll just wait until the best page comes out now.......
(djgalaxe, Tue 14 Nov 2006, 17:10, Reply)

Scent too far
Vets - don't ya love em?
There is a proceedure which causes a vet's heart to sink, and it's prefaced by the phrase 'My dog is rubbing its backside along the ground'.

The reason dogs do this is because their anal scent glands get blocked, and kinda itchy. Anal scent glands get stimulated (i.e. squeezed) every time a dog lays a toffee. They produce, as you might expect, anal scent. In essence, essence of dog shit. It's a translucent brown oil.

The proceedure to unblock them is simple, simply insert a gloved finger up the dog's doodah, and with your thumb on the outside, squeeze like a mother.

These things can, apparently squirt quite a distance, making the six or so inches for the average spot on to a mirror seem quite paltry.

His claim to fame was that he once aimed a dog's anus into the handbag of an overly snobby pooch fancier.... and covered the contents, including her chequebook and purse in essence of dog shit, from six feet away.

I think he made her pay by Visa.
(Countryslicker, Tue 14 Nov 2006, 16:32, Reply)

It shouldn't happen to a vet...
Tony was a vet. He and his friend Benji went to Flesh at the Hacienda, many moons ago, and decided, in their infinite wisdom, to get twatted on booze and mushrooms.
They were having such a good time that they didn't bother sleeping, rather they went straight to work, with out the requisite down time.
The first 'patient' of the morning was a little old lady whose budgie's talons needed trimming.
Unfortunately for her, Benji's eyesight was not what it should have been, and he inadvertently cut off the budgie's foot.

It all worked out OK though - he told her it had had foot cancer.
(Countryslicker, Tue 14 Nov 2006, 16:21, Reply)

flirting overkill
As a young man, I was very shy around girls and hopeless at flirting. I had no idea. Then an older boy told me that women are turned on when they know that a man fancies them.

So the next time I saw the girl of my dreams, I whipped out my hardened tool and brandished it at her while tugging furiously. She stared in amazement and disgust as my seed erupted all over the front of her dress.

She wasn't the least impressed, and I was almost thrown out of uni for it. Too far?
(frankspencer, Tue 14 Nov 2006, 16:10, Reply)

Football Folly
Only last year, I, and a group of mates were playing football during the usual school break-time brutally out-playing the opponents of the hour quite brilliantly with yours truly manning the goal-line.

All was well until some little scally kid decided to continuously shout profanities at one of my mates because one of his shots (which you wouldn't like to get in the way of) literally floored one of the lads on the opposing team. Now, my mate is quite a big, stocky fella who doesn't take kindly to verbal abuse. Of course, he decided to do the best thing at that time and ignore the shallow threats.

Until, of course, the scally decided to spit on him. Well, this did get his attention and the next thing I heard....

BANG! Although, not witnessing the full extent of what had happened, he decided that enough was enough and literally picked the little lad up and hurled him into the goal post feet first.

The little lad was holding back tears and limped away bruised and humiliated.

To this day, I still believe he went too far with what he did but it certainly taught that young lad to respect his elders from then on.

He never did play football with us again...
(tHe St!nG, Tue 14 Nov 2006, 16:08, Reply)

is there an interpreter in the house?
I don't know what mickturate is talking about but I think there might be a story somewhere in there
(StumpsForArms&NoEyebrows, Tue 14 Nov 2006, 16:06, Reply)

Aciiiiid
In a science class in my mid-teens a mate asked me to hold a test tube of unidentified, clear liquid. He asked me if the arse of his trousers was wet and proffered said arse. Going too far, I chucked the contents of the test tube over it and said 'Yes'.

Turns out it was a reasonably strong solution of sulphuric acid. Didn't burn through his trousers, but he did have blisters all over his bum for a week or two.
(kidcamel is due to call your mum at, Tue 14 Nov 2006, 16:06, Reply)

Too far.
Do you know what I think is going too far? Twenty people trotting out the same crappy joke about some random place they travelled to. FFS, is it so hard to read the rest of the entries, at least until the point that you realise you've been beaten to it multiple times?

Obtale: At school we had something of a nutter in our class. Heck, you all had one, I'm sure, but this one had a little extra weird in his ingredients listing. It wasn't his fault exactly, he got it from his dad.

A case in point: we were once taking part in a 24-hour "marching marathon" for charidee - you had to walk around a circuit for the afore-mentioned time. Nutter's dad was also taking part, and upon seeing a competitor make it round the ring in a quicker time than he, promptly had him disqualified for "running". Bear in mind that this was just for charity, and not a race, so the feck effectively decided that any donations this lad had raised weren't good enough because he had the audacity to walk fast.

Anyway, on with the tale. Nutter was in the woodwork class, and trying to wind various classmates up, with varying success. One eventually loses it, and curses at him. Nutter sees his cue, produces a cordless drill and switches it on.

*drrrzt* was the lovely sound it made as he directed it towards this poor sod's arm. Everyone waited, and watched mostly in shock, with mouths hanging open. Even Nutter seemed to think twice at this point, and took a step back, removing the drill.

And then we realised: no blood. Somehow Nutter had missed the arm, but gone through one side of the sod's jumper, and out the other.

Too far? Very, very nearly, and Nutter was surprisingly restrained after that.
(Captain Skippy pooed in a bag and left it on your doorstep, Tue 14 Nov 2006, 15:58, Reply)