Generic Evening Thread.
Telly: Celeb Master Chef and Grandma's House
Food: Japanese (Salmon Skin Maki, Tomago Maki, 2x Prawn Tempora Temaki, California Temaki, Ebi Goyza (prawn dumpling) and a teryaki sauce).
Day: Awesome ! Job interview that I think went amazing.
Potential Pet: www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1218472/The-700-teacup-sized-pigs-latest-celebrity-pet.html
Possible Potential Love Interest: Gonna see at breakfast tomorow.
Plans for tomo Going out to see Inception and go Wagamamas with a wonderful fabulous sassy b3tan.
Mood: Jolly good.
OH WOE IS ME: Nothing really, at least, not right now.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 20:37, 78 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Not a question, but some grossness to share.
I, while reading a story to my daughter prior to bed, farted - the smell was, in all honesty, pretty horrendous - think manure that's been left to fester on top of a pile of dead bodies. The smell was that bad that my daughter started crying and refused to listen to the rest of the story. I was sent out of the room to do a poo as "it was very stinky Daddy".

In fact, I've since been on the loo - so long that I got pins and needles (it turns out) and she's still shouting at me to go and do another poo.

Got anything gross you want to share that's happened in the past 24 hours or so?

(I may regret asking that!)
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 19:54, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

What, in your opinion is the BEST brand of toilet paper?
Alt q: If you were relocating to a different part of the UK, where would you like to go, and why?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 18:29, 22 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

And the lie was......
Sex on the balcony! Sex, at my age? You muppets.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Wed 18 Aug 2010, 17:08, 15 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Last thread was getting long
so on the same line as FlimFlam what was the last thing you got for free?

Alt Q: What was the last present you gave?
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 16:55, 101 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I slept like a baby last night. Woke up screaming, covered in piss and shit.
How did you sleep last night? Also, does anybody have a water bed and if so, are they any good?
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 14:12, 229 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Buf! Too many replies down there now
So, I have a little bit of a job and I need someone to do it, creating a web page, wedding related, but I've been told of for doing this before, so I won't say anything else, and you can gaz me if you're interested.

When was the last time you were told off. Or that you told someone off? (No nonsense about having sex and role playing, we all know it's a lie, there's no sex on the internet)
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Wed 18 Aug 2010, 13:14, 175 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Right. Seeing as Porkles has RUINED THE INTERNET
by not asking a question, and with the inherent shitness of both his threads, I would like to ask:

How would you least like to die?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 11:44, 234 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

He's special.
Just had a phone call, it went like this.

"Hello?"
"Hello, could I speak to Mr Mason?"
"Sorry, there's no Mr Mason at this address."
"Oh. This is B&Q and I've been asked to call a Mr Mason at this Number."
"Piglet, you've phoned home you muppet."
"Cock."
"See you son." Click.

Wish I'd strung him along a bit.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Wed 18 Aug 2010, 11:16, 14 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I'm back! Missed me ?
No? Fuck off then. On a more amiable note, I have just returned from holiday and apart from a few incidents it was well chilled interspersed with periods of relaxation. However there were three highlights.

1) On the second night it was the eve of changeover for many of our Continental neighbours. As is traditional they went out and got hammered and returned in the small hours with much drunken noisiness. That's fine. It's holidays, it is permitted. What pissed me off slightly was the noisy and enthusiastic sounds of a proper rogering coming from the next door neighbours. For about an hour and a half. The worst thing was bumping into them the next morning on the way to breakfast. As far as I was aware they were just a friendly pair of 60ish Dutch ladies. Who looked like sisters. Such things are not easily wiped from memory.

2) This also was a breakfast incident. Breakfast as with all meals was buffet based but was a huge affair so there were rarely queues. However, this particular morning I was waiting patiently at the cooked breakfast bar (Mmmmm bacon, pancakes, maple syrup) when I noticed the rear view of a vision of loveliness. About 1.7m tall with long blonde hair and the curves in all the right places. I was leering so intently I didn't have time to stop when she did and bumped into her. She turned around and gave me a really sweet smile. You know, that special one Down's sufferers reserve for when they are unsure of what's happening. Yes, I'd been ogling a mong. The shame.

3) And finally. One evening we had whiled away the hours in a bar with a friend from Dublin and arrived back at the hotel a wee bit squiffy. MrsP did her usual of stripping to bra and pants and going to stand on the (unlit) balcony. I joined her and stood behind her with hands on her breasts and well, you can guess the rest. After she had gone back inside I noticed a slight red glow from one of the other balconies. A low voice said "Good one mate. Nice tits." I didn't tell her.

Now is the fun bit. Call shenanigans on one of the above, I will confirm which one is a load of shite later today.

Which one's the shenanigan




With thanks to Mr E.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Wed 18 Aug 2010, 10:58, 22 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

New thread just to tell an awful joke
Was about to leave off work yesterday when I get a text from Ms Foxtrot. "Thespacebaronthisphoneisbrokenwhenyoucomehomepleasecanyougivemeanalternative".

Obviously I rushed home, my curiosity was piqued - what on earth was a ternative?

Oh yes. I'm back, baby.

What truly crap jokes have you heard lately?

Alt Q - miss me?

Actual alt Q - InFest next weekend. Which Yorkshire-based B3tans are actually up for a pint?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 9:18, 180 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I agree with willennium
so I'm starting a new thread.

I can't think of a question that doesn't involve public nudity, so make up your own.

Alt q - ever been nude in public?
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 8:22, 193 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

The hell I'm adding to a >130 thread.
what say you?
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 18:35, 131 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

somewhat inspired by /talk board
what's the worst thing you've done for money?

alt q: What has been your most extravagant purchase?
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 15:22, 139 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I've booked my wedding venue and registrar and such today
time to start voicing your objections.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 13:53, 132 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Who would win in a fight?
A grizzly bear or a pack of wolves.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 13:46, 20 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Ok autists
It's time you accepted that PC is one of you and were nice to him.

I want it all out in the open in a healthy, non judgmental style so that we can work it all out together, like a community.
( WormuIus, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 13:05, 43 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

No poop allowed in this thread
One day I intend to build my own house.

Wiggy wants a games room at the back with a projector screen and beanbags. I want a pole studio and walk in wardrobe with an electric rail like she has in Clueless.

We both want a ball pit and a slide next to the stairs.

If you could build your own house, what would be a must-have?
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 12:34, 149 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

stitched up with kindness
so my tooth needs a filling. been holding off due to money and the fact i hate/am terrified of dental work and it's a minor one at the mo.
my gf announced the other day that we were paying a visit to her dentist brother, i was getting my teeth fixed. i said ok, when and how much. she says she's paying, it's a birthday present. the catch? he's only free ON my birthday, or early the day after. so i can either get my tooth angrily sodomised with a drill on my birthday, or during the inevitable hangover the following day. why god, why?!?! and i can't turn it down as it's a gift. i can't even call the dentist a motherfucker if he hurts me, or grab him by the scrotum as soon as he's in range and remind him the instinctive clench reaction to pain is still present, cos it's my girl's brother.
what's stitched you up recently?


alt question: i just had a surprise toilet-blocker of a shit. it was like a muddy ww2 hand grenade. i was expecting something more human looking, and wasn't planning on walking like john wayne for the rest of the day. when did your colon last surprise/terrify you?
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 11:34, 56 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Can a "reasonable person" ever be provoked into killing someone else?
I'm excluding circumstances where the law would offer a separate defence like being bonkers or killing in self-defence.

I'm not convinced that anyone could ever do something so provocative to me that I would kill them.
( WormuIus, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 11:33, 98 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

DRUGS
www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-10990921
Interesting opinions in that article, so why do you think the government will dismiss them this time?
(PsychoChomp, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 10:24, 138 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Ever walked out of a gig, play or film because it was so shit?
I went to see 'Tortoise' at the Highbury Garage once. They were so dismally poor we left during the second 'number'. My mate claimed they were all multi-instrumental geniuses from some Chicago music school.

If that is so, they must have been doing an ironic impression of a 'special' school music class, complete with tone deaf xylophone misery. £15 for five minutes of total shit.

EDIT I also once had a half-hour kip during a Herbie Hancock gig. When I woke up he was still playing the same God-awful noodly bollocks he was when I nodded off.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 9:09, 176 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Last movie you cried at
Now I have never been one to cry during movies. Like to think that I'm tough enough to laugh most stuff off. Never the less, yesterday guess what has me in tears like a big baby?

The end of Marley & Me...

What did you last cry to?

Alt question- does any one else think that ipads are as pointless as I do?
( zulu eh?, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 22:13, 24 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I need to find a new home for an awesome cat
Any takers?

www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=147167888635730
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 20:29, 8 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I'm having bangers and mustard mash
For my dinner, with lot of onion gravy.

What are you cooking?

Alt Q: What is the best-day-out-atrraction-type-thing in the UK, in your opinion?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 18:45, 15 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Moving on.....
They say everyone has one good [book/film/video game/whatever] inside them, tell me about yours !
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 15:49, 206 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

One of the things on my bucket list is to tie a message to a helium balloon
and release it.

I read it from someone else's bucket list and thieved it. However, I can't decide if I should write a motivational and inspiring message to make someone smile, or just "you're a douche".

Suggestions please b3tans.

Tell me something you want to do before you die. Or tell me how much a helium balloon pollutes the earth when it lands.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 13:53, 318 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Piercings and that.
Having held out for years and refused to get my ears pierced, I finally got them done a couple of months ago. Now, like my tattoos, I seemed to have opened a floodgate, and now I want MOAR. I've been debating what to get done next, I was in an alternative jewellery shop/piercing parlour last week and oh so very nearly got my nose done. A nipple piercing is also tempting. What do you reckon I should get done?

If work/family/polite society wasn't an issue, what body modification would you have done? Alternatively, what body mod can't you stand?
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 12:47, 186 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Now I'm beginning to pick up a feel for this place
I want you all to tell the class about your favourite B3ta moments. Could be arguments or trolling or just funny comments but come on folks what brings a smile to your face when thinking about B3ta?

alt q - How many more times will Monty crack a smile in 2010?
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 11:34, 121 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

stroke of luck
so friday night i'm on the last train home at some ungodly hour. start chatting to some american lads, tourists, on a stop through getting off at hayes and harlington to fly to amsterdam, and then home after a couple of days. give em some tips on where to go and where to avoid, they get off, fine. i go to get off at reading, and find 160 euros on the seat behind me. now in a normal circumstance, i'd hand it in, escpecially if there was any ID or anythign, having lost bucks myself. now these guys were DRUNK, i don't knopw their names, they've left the country, and the chances of them thinking of phoning the train company from amsterdam is infinitely small, it's not worth them coming back to get it as the flights would be more, and i sincerely doubt the likelihood of the lost property office being willing to post a sum of cash to a random american address with no proof of ID etc. what would you have done? i kept it.
alt q: i've got a week off coming up culminating in a bank holiday weekend. should i grow a silly beard? sorry, a silliER beard?
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 10:59, 21 replies, latest was 16 years ago)