right.
A while back, myself and a few others decided to hold up the post office. Not in the same way people cashing a giro when they've forgotten their ID hold up the post-office. No, proper burst in, shout a lot, take cash, jump in van, fuck off at high speed.

I was in charge, Baz had to load the bags, Shaun was the getaway driver and we had four others for support.

So, in the back of the van, I dug out some disguises. Father Xmas masks if truth be told. I told Shaun he didn't get one, because if he put one on, he'd only crash into a lamppost because he won't be able to see.

So, I said, "Everyone ready?"

"Six Yule masks on, 'cept Shaun".

Length? Immeasurable.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 9:09, 14 replies)

In my defence, I used to be blonde
Until the age of about 14 I thought that baby humans were born with their eyes closed, like baby cats.

Turns out they aren't. Who knew?!
(clumsyeloquence is a girl, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 9:03, 2 replies)

First time having sex = awful and VERY fast
Now I was a late starter when it came to the ways of women. I had many a girlfriend and had honed my skills as a finger fucker (seemingly a lost art I feel, nobody talks about that anymore!) but I had not had sex - purely by choice I might add as so many people had told me they wish they had waited so it was "special" and as I only had mum around when I was growing up - she told me the same.

So, skip forward a few years and I meet this girl. Amazing, beautiful, funny and I was a lucky bastard to have got with her in the first place - in fact I still wonder how I managed it as im no looker. She was a little older than me (7 years) and a little more (lot more) experienced so of course that put a bit of pressure on me to be good, especially as I hadn't told her I was a virgin.

So after an amazing night out, the night finally comes where I got to do the nasty for the first time and my mind was racing. I was expecting in, out, in, out, pop but actually it went on forever (just under 4 hours to be exact.) So many positions were attempted in one night - and I wasn't a virgin any more... it was great and the smile on my face was so big it made the cheshire cat jealous. Of course at first it was a little (lot) awkward, but once I found my rhythm and settled down a bit it was fantastic.

Problem is, the misconception I had that the first time would be crap and that I would finish pretty quick was false - in fact it was so false that I didn't finish at all! We had to stop as her wadge was having violent contractions after her 3rd or so orgasm and she couldn't take any more. I just had to lay there and be satisfied with the fact that on my first go I outlasted a woman and made her cum. I just wished that I had too!

You know the fucked up thing - it still to this day takes an AGE for me to finish so if we want a quicky, its a quicky for her then dissatisfaction for me. Something I have to live with I guess.

My reward for this seemingly lifelong torture? I am still with this amazingly beautiful woman and have planned marriage and kids as we are very much in love - and the sex is still just as amazing as the first night (just she has to work extra hard to get me off).
(Spangulum nailing your mother since 1824, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 8:53, 16 replies)

First girlfriend
OK, I admit, she was a ginger.

"No," she said, pulling away from our first passionate embrace, "you can't kiss me."

"Why not?" I spluttered, my johnson rapdily deflating to the size and shape of an airbed nozzle.

"Because..." she started, suddenly embarrassed at the thought of having to explain grown-up stuff her boyfriend, "Because..."

"Yes?"

She blurted it all out:

"Because we'll end up having to have sex an' you'll have to put your thingy in my mimsy an' wiggle it about an' then wee in me mimsy an' then I have to wee on your thingy an' then I have a baby out my bum an' an' an' it's gross"

The things they teach you in ginger school. I returned to the Grattan Catalogue (pages 230-256) for my thrills.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 8:39, 7 replies)

Change at Baker Street.
I’ve always wondered the following:

Anal sex. How did that concept come about?

I mean, the regular way was working fine, evolution did a pretty good job there, why the need for the “bonus tunnel”? I’d like to think that the conversation went something like this...

(Mr and Mrs Caveman lying in bed one night)

Mr Caveman: Hello, darling! Fancy a bit of “how’s your father?”

Mrs Caveman: You mean sex, right?

Mr Caveman: Yeah. Fancy it?

Mrs Caveman: I can’t. I’m doing that thing where I bleed for 5 days and get really frigging irritable.

Mr Caveman: Awww, shame.

(Mr Caveman rolls over and suddenly gets an idea)

Mr Caveman: Honey, why don’t we….you know?

Mrs Caveman: Huh?

Mr Caveman: You know….do it another way?

Mrs: Caveman: I need a little more information than that….

(Mr Caveman leans over and whispers something in Mrs Caveman’s ears)

Mrs Caveman: You want to stick "what" in "where"?!

Mr Caveman: Oh, come on! It’ll be fun!

Mrs Caveman: For you! Not me!

Mr Caveman: Oh come on! The gay couple down the road do it all the time!

Mrs Caveman: I’m not sure.

Mr Caveman: Come on, pleeeeeeeasssseeee?

Mrs Caveman: OK, but be flipping careful!

(5 minutes later, Mr Caveman is lying back having a cigarette)

Mr Caveman: How was it for you, my love?

(Mrs Caveman is still on all fours)

Mrs Caveman: Well, let me put it like this, if I wasn’t frigging irritable before, I am now! How do that gay couple keep their bottoms so tight despite doing this?!

Mr Caveman: Must be those jeans they wear…..

That’s my sexual misconception. Is anal sex a joke which I’m not privy to?

Length? Well, it depends. How deep is your love...?
(The Stig, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 8:24, 5 replies)

Pregnancy
My mate Dave told me that the way to get girls pregnant was to stick your fingers in her fanny until you felt the eggs roll down. Thankfully this was not a technique I attempted to employ until I was a fully qualified gynaecologist.
( Marty McFly can't grate cheese without getting angry, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 8:04, Reply)

I felt sure I'd be amazing at sex, right from the first go.
I was wrong.

I was shit.
( teedyay, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 7:43, Reply)

periods
i used to think women were irritable only a few days every month. I've grown up to know that usually the opposite is true.
(dW3, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 7:21, Reply)

Gonna have to think about this one a bit
One thing that I didn't figure out until a relatively late age was the motion involved in sex. I just figured the guy slipped her one and waited patiently, not all this in-out behaviour.
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 3:19, Reply)

I think women in long pyjamas are sexy,
but I think it might be just me, because women generally think it's weird.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 2:57, 7 replies)

My uncle
told me that women would only give you sex if you
gave them all your money.
I asked if a tenner would do.
(shake'n'bake Tally Ho, Biatch!, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 2:42, Reply)

Before sex ed
I got all my info from South Park.

So i believed lesbians ate carpet etc and that certain naughty words weren't naughty... to my mum in HMV when asked 'who is Cartman's dad?':
I replied: well, his mum's a slut an-SLAP!
(suicidalducky has too much time on his hands, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 2:31, Reply)

Men lie to get sex
Ooh thats not a misconception ;)

My 1st BF told me he wouldnt get me pregnant but we could have fun by using the backdoor.
A couple weeks of him getting his jollies and my wincing and thinking why arent I enjoying this, and he was history.


The second BF showed me what fun it could be, and how!
Was fun for a few months until he told me he couldnt keep up with my wanting sex 3 times a day or more and his wife had decided they should try for a baby.
Wife?!!


Dallied with women for a while after that.
Same shit , different gender
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 2:29, 6 replies)

When i was younger..
... One of my friends (who is rather slow) used to think that an Anti-Climax was a reverse Orgasm.

Old as the hills i know, but his dad was a bit of a bastard when giving him lessons in life.

On nights out we would reassure him it was all true and to this day, he still believes it.

Poor guy
( Jinxy13 is hating the S key, right about now., Fri 26 Sep 2008, 2:27, Reply)

Where does piss come from?
my girlfriend of nearly four years had no idea that her sex hole was different to her piss hole till she made a silly comment one day and i corrected her. she was 19 at the time
( BusinessCat has a can of beans, a can of beans has he, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 2:23, 2 replies)

Not my misconception but an ex's...
She thought that I'd never be so drunk when doing the nasty after a night out that I wouldn't accidentally slide Immy The Great Jr. into the wrong hole on one thrust...

Length? Well I guess it's more about the girth but enough to make her cry, walk funny and not like me very much for a few days...
(Immy The Great gave himself to Jesus, but now Jesus never calls, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 2:06, 2 replies)

bloody teachers
in first year seniors(year 8, i think), we had a very old english teacher, who one day decided to give us a sex education lesson.
however, it had very little to do with human sex and everything to do with chicken sex. she told us that, like chickens, the man would hold on to the back of the woman's neck(with his teeth, not his beak) and place his feet on her arse for balance.
i don't know if she'd never actually had sex or, as it was 3 weeks till her retirement, she'd just decided to screw with our heads a bit.
either way, we were a very confused class that day.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 1:30, Reply)

Belly Buttons
As a young porky I firmly believed you got babies from rubbing belly buttons together.

As I got older I found that I wasn't that far wrong.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Fri 26 Sep 2008, 0:55, Reply)

The Lady Button
Not me, but my best friend Tom, who just happens to be gay.

Starting one drunken conversation when we were about sixteen, he gets interested in the 'workings' of the female genitalia, and myself and another friend explain.

A few minutes later he's sitting there looking rather confused. "You ok?" I ask. "Just thinking of something" he replies. "If the clitoris is the main point of stimulation, why does it need so much? Surely you'd just be turning yourself on and off again".

It took me a second to realise what he meant, before he goes, "Well it's like a button isn't it, your lady button." I lost it there and then. He was convinced that it was something that you pressed to instantly turn a woman on or off, so we proceeded to explain further, before he asked,

"So what an earth is it shaped like then if it's not a button?"

I looked at my other mate and went, "A switch".

It took him until the next week to realise I was joking.
(Discombobulation, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 0:48, Reply)

I am a student...
..but also work in a large health club part time on for the food/bar department to fund my unconditional love of booze/other filthy student habits.

We have a very high turnover of staff at this gym, and only a couple of months ago, took on a number of new staff, particularly on reception.

Wishing to appease 'equality in the workplace' measures, the powers that be had decided that it would be wise to employ an outrageously extrovert transexual, who we shall here call 'X'.

Living and working oop norf, there were a number of, shall we say, 'traditionalists' working at the club, who said employee managed to rub up (suit you sir) the wrong way, by doing not much more than being his/her-self.

On a staff night out (which are fairly regular occurrences), I got talking to our sexually ambiguous protagonist - nothing more than a friendly chat trying to make him/her feeling welcome - and thought nothing of it until the next day at work.

Cue a number of snide remarks and raised eyebrows being cast in my direction. It did not take long before X was referred to as 'eggy's X' - implying we were an item;

My sex misc. on 'ception.

Thnkyouplease.
(egg_fried_rice Faxing my soul off to god, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 0:37, Reply)

Scorpions
Oh I'm so glad you asked

I watched a nature documentary about the reproductive habits of scorpions aged 5. They do a claw-in-claw dance during which they exchange a sac of genetic material of some sort. I thought that humans did this too, but I thought "the sac" was exchanged in church when they kiss and thats where babies came from.

My misconceptions have got worse as time has passed
(Snake (on a) Crane FKA thwack, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 0:31, Reply)

I was taught nothing and,
17 kids with 9 different men, few STD's and one baggy vagina later I'm as proud as any teenage parent could be!

Drugs aint half bad either.
(Fluent In Bentish Living in Scatman's World, tis being fun!, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 0:27, Reply)

Savage Love
Savage Love is a weekly sex advice column written by a guy from Seattle named Dan Savage. Lots of weeklies in the US run it, and I believe some in Canada as well, but I'm not sure if he's syndicated in the UK or elsewhere. Anyway, he ran a column a few years ago with readers' sex misconceptions. The boys' stories are here and the girls' are here. Enjoy!
(tellum0 is spelled with an 'o', Fri 26 Sep 2008, 0:16, 9 replies)

not me but.......
when i was teaching a very bright year 10 class about digestion one boy looked horrified and raised his hand, he asked how the foetus could possibly survive in the acidic environment of the stomach. when all the jokes about how you could concieve in the stomach died down and i saw that he was serious i explained to him (aghast that he's so far missed this in his education) how the foetus is in the womb and not the ladys tummy :)
again he is confused, how can there be space for the baby with the intestines all shoved in there so tightly....i explained that as the foetus and womb grew the intestines got shoved up a bit, a look of recognition and general twigging on passed over his face and he said, all full of confidence in his new knowledge, ah, so thats why pregnant womens breasts get bigger, they're full of intestines.....at this point i had to leave the room and couldn't return for a good ten minutes, to find him looking very red in the face after his classmates had finished his education for him.
(bambambambambam, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 0:16, Reply)

Angry Pirate...
Dunno if it's bindun, but as a youngster, I thought the "angry pirate" was a legitimate sex game...

when you're being sucked off, and are reaching the point of no return, withdraw, and come in her eye. There's the one eye of the pirate.

Then kick her in the shin so she's hobbling on one leg, rather piratesque, and finally punch her in the stomach for the obligatory "YAAAAAAAARGH!"

Note: This only works where the lass is an EXTREME pirates of the carribean fan...or you may, just may be in danger of:

a)becoming single,
b)being arrested and worked over in prison by a big man called shirley, or
c)both

Good times
(the_biochem_ninja can resist everything except temptation, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 23:56, Reply)

Mood killers - part 3
I have only ever deflowered 2 virgins, and considering I don't hang around drunken whoreish types I assumed that when I deflowered the first one she would have seen it as something profound and romantic (I do try my best).

This young lady had apparently read a LOT of cosmo. She bit my lip and made it bleed. She tried to take my boxers off with her teeth but only succeeded in pulling the button off. But the killer was when the act began.

Now I don't mind the young lady shouting stuff during sex if that's her bag. Can't say I'm into it myself but y'know, if I'm good enough that she feels the need to blaspheme then that's absolutely fine.

"Ooooh, baby, yeah"

Ok, that's cool, if a little cliched.

"Oh god baby yeah"

Blasphemy is always fun.

"You're my bitch, aren't you"

Well...I'm your boyfriend?

"Yeah, give it to me, you dirty fucking bitch"

I may be fucking you but I'm not a bitch and I am meticulously hygenic.

"You're my dirty fucking cunt bitch. Yeah, give it to me you fucking slag."

Losing your hymen may hurt. But so do my feelings. *Sniff*
(GONEism, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 23:51, 1 reply)

I thought...
...Tie Rack was a middle eastern country.
(Reservoir Ducks, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 23:42, 1 reply)

Horizontal axe wound
basically i was told by one of my mates in the pub that asian birds gashs go horizontal, not vertical, i was quite confused but i just excepted it, now every time i'm out i always go looking for the nearest asian bird, just for the fun of it, everytime i see an asian bird it brings back the fond memory, and don't shatter my dream by saying they don't.
first post, thanks guys
(macsniffanugget is having his head wrecked, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 23:42, 2 replies)

An ill friend
said she'd heard sperm was good for sore throats and asked me if it was true.

Having never had the opportunity to find out I asked the fella (although I don't suppose he'd ever given a blow job whilst suffering a sore throat either).

"No" he replied "it's a phallusy"

When I stopped laughing at his wit, I said "no, but really?"
"no" he said "it's just something blokes say, like 'it's good for your complexion'..."

How many other lies have been spawned in such subversive attempts to corrupt our dainty mouths?
( warmfuzzies Isn't here, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 23:39, 5 replies)

Tenuous
A common misconception is that a woman can only spit or swallow after oral.

I was seeing a girl who worked in Canterbury Cathedral. This will become relevant very shortly.

She was amazing at playing the pink oboe. Absolutely incredible. On one stand out performance I apparently spluffed extra hard, and she said some had got stuck up her nose. She tried to snort and sniff and blow (no jokes) but to no avail. She couldn't stop for long after as she had to dash off to work.

At Canterbury Cathedral.

Where she sneezed it on the floor.

I wish I was making all this up. If I was, I'd have a bigger cock and the ability to be monogamous.
(GONEism, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 23:35, 1 reply)