The ONLY Time Ive been truly ashamed of Myself
A year or so ago I started a rather seedy little fling with a 17 yr old girl I know (I was 29 at the time)..and the morning after a particularly sordid night of coke fuelled depravity with this girl in a cheap hotel, I had to attend the memorial service for my Fiancee's grandfather.It was also that weird day in the catholic church when they wheel all the sick oldies out to be blessed and I was taking catechism classes at the time (being a somewhat lapsed catholic) so that I could marry the poor girl that I was cheating on- and had to do a reading in the church...So not only did I have to sit with my fiancee's family and listen to them say what a 'good boy' I was and that my fiancee was 'soooo lucky to have me' but I had to read a passage from the good book while loads of poor old wheelchair bound wops blubbered in front of me..
All the way through I couldnt help but remember with near sickening shame, that only 12 hours earlier I had been snorting class A drugs off a 17 yr old girls arse cleft before sodomising her for about an hour.
( bigmeuprudeboy is using powerpoint or paint...have MERCY, Fri 25 Nov 2005, 10:54, Reply)

aaahhhh, the memories....
One night after a particularly hefty clubbing session up town, I found my self waking in someone’s front garden in the morning. To be honest, not that uncommon for me back in those days, but this time it was with a nasty sense of irony. Not only was I woken up by a very angry woman, not just for sleeping in her garden but also chucking up in her pond and leaving a large dent in her otherwise beautiful flower bed. But by bizarre fate I noticed her daughter staring at the window at me in bemusement. Purely coincidental, but it happened to be the front garden of some munter who I’d met in the club the night before, who relived me of some of my man relish in the toilets, and then I proceeded to scarper. It’s amazing how quick you can run with a chronic hangover.
(Baron T, Fri 25 Nov 2005, 10:44, Reply)

oh the terrible shame
1. Sleeping with my best mates girlfriend, 20 minutes after he'd called to ay they'd split up. He came round and caught us in the act.
2. Throwing up a bottle of red wine all over another mates white carpet and brand new white leather sofa.
3. Finding out that the girl I got off with in the local pub was 15.
4. Being photographed kissing a comlete munter.
5. Getting pissed at a friends wedding and telling his family what a ginger minger she was
6. Falling asleep on the toilet on the train, only to be woken by 2 policewomen to find that I still had my trousers round my ankles.
( The Beast can't help looking at womens breasts on the tube, Fri 25 Nov 2005, 10:40, Reply)

ok, that felt pretty good.
so here's another. one summer, while working the kitchen of a certain chav ridden bar in brighton's lovely west street, I went out after doing an afternoon shift and got fucked up on tequila. then went back to the bar I was working in. managed to offend everyone in there, offer two of the barmaids a threesome, nick loads of booze from the upstairs bar (even though i knew there was a camera there) throw up in the laundry basket in the staff room. It's the only time i've ever been banned from entering my work place, but somehow kept my job!

hey this is fun! who needs therapy.
(charlie mouse - caught in a trap, not turning back....., Fri 25 Nov 2005, 10:39, Reply)

Regrets, I've had a few...
...but then again so fucking many that I'll be here all day if I write them all down.

For example, I lost my virginity on a building site (and no, before you ask, I wasn't buggered by a builder).

The night that really sticks in my mind was when me and my flatmate Chris downed an enormous bottle of cheap-as-chips French vodka before heading off to Fabric (a large meat-market-ish 'superclub' in London, for those lucky enough never to have heard of it).

We were in, watching David Holmes do his 60s psycadelic (?? Spelling) thang, had a smoke and both, in unison, staggered back and slumped against the wall, then down onto the ground.

The next 6 hours proceeded like this: my flat mate sat cross-legged on the dance floor, shaking, sweating, and farting like its going out of fashion, clearing a space around him about 10' in diameter.
I proceeded to be sick in every available bin, corner, stairwell, coat and bag I could lay my hands on. The one exception was when I stood behind a girl with an open-backed dress (a cute girl with a very cute back, if there is such a thing) and had to swallow my sick again, knowing that if I was sick down her back, I could never show my face in public again.

We ended up passing out next to each other on the sofas upstairs, although we didn't know who the other person was til we pieced everything back together again the next morning.

It had a happy ending though. I was kicked out and proceeded to spend £27 on sandwiches to fill my by now very empty stomach. And I do love a good sandwich.
(That Boy Joe, Fri 25 Nov 2005, 10:33, Reply)

I was once
in the Market Diner in Brighton, extremely pissed one late night - about 3.45am i think.

Went to the loo as i had a violent episode of the shits.
Thought, in my drunken stupor, it would be amusing to stick the handle of the toilet brush up my arse, in the hope that some other similarly drunken person would attempt to pick up said toilet brush in order to perform some 'poo grafitti' on the wall.
I chuckled to myself on the way out imagining the victim then picking up and tucking into his sausage sarnie with the now extra aroma of "herbs d'arse" seeping through his floury bap.
(nappy rash, Fri 25 Nov 2005, 10:26, Reply)

sisters wedding
Me and champagne don't sit well together. I got royally shitfaced at my sisters wedding, was the life and soul of the party, decided to hit on the only hot girl there. she was very receptive to my (slightly drunken) advances, and I was quite chuffed to be seen snogging the only fit bird there, till she started telling me how she had to be up early in the morning so her dad could take her to hockey practice... i found out later she was the 16 year old daughter of a very large uncle from my brother-in-law's side of the family. (i was 27 at the time) I ran and hid in the bar in shame.

this is actually one of my much lesser shames, if i'm feeling brave i'll post more.
(charlie mouse - caught in a trap, not turning back....., Fri 25 Nov 2005, 10:19, Reply)

Drunken Shocker
When I was about 19/20 I worked in a mobile phone shop as a part time job to pay for my beer at Uni. One night we finished work at 6ish and hit the pubs. We were still drinking at 11 and made it to another bar which was open till 12. We ordered some vodka which turned out to be doubles. I drank my share and headed off across the road to get some pizza for the mile walk home. I noticed the vodkas were doubles as soon as i stepped outside the bar and the cold January air hit me. I finished my pizza and said my goodbyes to the others who walked a different way. About 1/2 way home i needed to empty some beer and vodka from my bladder. I nipped across the road into some roadside woodland and took about 10 paces in and relieved myself. The next thing i remember is looking up at the black/blue sky through trees and seeing stars on what was a particularly clear night. Bearing in mind this was mid Jan and about -2 i was COLD. However having been asleep and still a bit drunk i tried to get back to sleep without really knowing where i was. In my favour it was just slightly too cold so i thought i had better go home. I stood up to find my trousers around my feet and not knowing what time it was i staggered back to the road through the trees. I called my mate to see what the time was and to inform him of my adventure and near hypothermia death experience. At this time he was working in a DIY store and that night they were doing a stock audit overnight. He answered the phone and became instantly aware of my drunkenness so kindly put my call on the over store announcement system. So. 15 employees listened to my trousers round shoes, sleeping in bush, in pool of own urine story, unbeknown to me. It was not till the next day that i popped into this store to rapturous applause that I realised what had happened. What a cock!
( studlywonder, Fri 25 Nov 2005, 10:17, Reply)

Hmm.
I had it bad for this girl in school once, like... obsessed.

Anyhoo, turns out she likes me too, so I'm spying a decent opportunity to fuck off the V plates. Several weeks of flirting and awkwardness ensued.

Sitting in Maths class, she's two seats away with her best mate, and I see her folder has "I LOVE A..." Couldnt see the rest, but my name being Adam - who else could it be... right?

"I can see whats on your folder" i say.
"What?" she replies.
"I love Adam...?"
"Nah, that's I love Andy."

How I longed for a large hole underneath me. It never came.
(Carling, pint of, Fri 25 Nov 2005, 10:01, Reply)

This is probably my worst
Cue me, insecure twenty-something, never had too much luck with the ladies, but I am just a couple of months in to my adopted new homeland of Holland, in my favourite metal bar. I'm sitting at the bar, having had a few, and a lady slightly older than me sits next to me. No real oil painting, but not pig-ugly either. Rather sexy deep voice as well - a conversation starts up and we are getting on famously. I think I may have had a toot or two on a funny fag and as the evening progresses the lady is being very forward.

Then I get the fear - the paranoia from the whacky baccy kicks in and I start asking hundreds of questions to myself - why is this woman interested in me? Why is she touching my leg and buying me drinks? Why the deep sexy voice? Sadly then, the fear and the alcohol beat over the rationalism and I come to the conclusion she is in fact a he, and proceed to have a screaming fit in the pub "Get away from me you .... uhh MAN!" much to the amusement of the people in the pub - she naturally runs up stairs crying her eyes out whilst the barman points out she is in fact a woman and I have made a very ugly mistake.

No matter how much you try, you can never consolidate a woman from such an accusation. And the guilt of such an outburst actually hurts. Shame? That night I redefined the boundaries of it.

Time doth heal, and alcohol clouds memories as it did thankfully with her. And I can confirm, at first hand experience and in all honesty she is most definately a woman ;o) And I still drink in that metal bar, though have learned to appreciate the forwardness of some Dutch ladies, and thankfully have realised even ugly old scrotes like me can get laid.
(Waynster James Joyce is fucking my sister!, Fri 25 Nov 2005, 9:46, Reply)

teachers again...
yup - i've accidentally called my teacher 'mum' before. but worse than that, i once shouted, 'bye - i love you' to my PE teacher on leaving school.

(A friend of mine accidentally did that to a client too recently over the phone, and then had to call back to tell him that he didn't really love him. just a slip of the tongue etc etc... shaaaaaame.)
(me'n'my monkey, Fri 25 Nov 2005, 9:39, Reply)

My secret shame
The first record I ever bought was "I lost my heart to a starship trooper" by Sarah Brightman and Hot gossip
( alnapp B3ta? Oh I just remembered about that and posted @, Fri 25 Nov 2005, 9:35, Reply)

many things.
1) losing my V plates to a bike in a "do it all" car park.

2) Bragging about losing my V plates to a bike in a "do it all" car park.

3) In a fight when I was in year 9 (should have know better really) getting kicked so hard in the bollocks I cried in front of 1/2 my year group.

4) Breaking someone's nose.

5) Drinking so much that I slept with a fat munter.

6) Waking up face down, facing down on the stairs at my parents house.
( Neon Blue Ah ha ha haa! I feel positively capital!, Fri 25 Nov 2005, 9:26, Reply)

John - The Man With No Shame
My best mate John is a law unto himself. Whereas usually he's a kind and considerate person, he seems to have the occasional mental explosion where he will do something so bizarre as to be completely inexplicable, to himself as well as everyone else. Its not that he's a bad person, he just sometimes seems able to hotwire his own brain and do something a little silly. This is one of those times.

Out and about in town he came out of a shop just as a frail old lady was shuffling past. As he stood there the old lady fell flat on her face, the contents of her grocery bag spilling all over the busy street. Did John stop and help the old dear up? Did John retrieve her strewn items? Did John look at this distressed geriatric pityingly? Did he at least cover his mouth as he laughed at the poor old bugger?

No. He walked over to her and said in a completely patronising voice "Dropped your bread have you?" before strolling off without a care in the world. Cut to five minutes later when the realisation of what he just did hits him and he begins gnawing his knuckles off in shame.
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Fri 25 Nov 2005, 9:24, Reply)

Waterfall
1980, School Assembly. The Captain realises after 10 minutes that he needs to micturate. No problems, assembly normally only lasts 15 minutes and I can wait. 10 minutes further on and I start to worry. The Headmaster is on his high horse about something and the assembly lasted 35 fecking minutes! By the time all pupils were asked to leave and go to their classrooms, I was sat in a puddle of lukewarm slash. Kids round me were sniffing and asking 'what's that smell?'. I was on the verge of tears, but as my class remained seated and our teacher started talking a glimmer of hope emerged. I would ask to go to the toilet, and dry my trousers on the hand driers. Genius! I asked to go to the toilet..
The entire bloody class watched me as I got up and walked out. Knowing that my trousers were wet with pee, I had to walk out backwards... watched by 30 juniors. (FFS why did I have to have an audience?) It was like a scene from the worst week of my life when, in the boys toilet, my teacher walked in with a pair of trousers from the dressing up box. (cringe).
These were not even inconspicuous ones, they were black victorian Soldier ones with Thick red strips down the sides.
I never lived the shame down. My Mum was confused as to why I was wearing soldier trousers, and I had to tell her in front of a small group of my peers that I had wet myself.
Tell you what though, from that moment until I left that school 4 years later, I always went to the loo before Assembly, whether I needed to or not.
(LunarJim, Fri 25 Nov 2005, 9:19, Reply)

Fire & Forget
Sorry for that, felt the need to confess and get it off my chest, as promised I will now make with the funnies, gimme five minutes to think, I've spent most of my life doing embarrassing things, I must be able to wring a few laughs out of them.
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Fri 25 Nov 2005, 9:09, Reply)

Munters
On a piss-up in Manchester with a load of my Geordie mates and all of the Manchester contingent of an institution known as the "Vomit Club" (Voluntary Organisation for the Mass Invasion of Taverns) I ended up in a student bar in one of the halls of residences.

It was fairly early, about 10ish, and I was pissed but not wankered. A mate called Simon suddenly bowls up to me with the Union Bike in tow, a plump lass called Rowena, and said:

"Hey Legless! Remember that bird you chatting up and I ruined your chances of a certain screw by being sick on her?" he yells

"Errr - yes" I says uncertainly

"Well I've a brought you a replacement. This is Rowena and she bangs like the shit-house door when the plagues in town. She's yours for the night.."

And with that, he dumped Rowena in a seat next to me and buggered off. Well, not being one to look a gift-horse in the mouth, me and Rowena disappeared upstairs to her room and made the beast with two backs for a couple of hours. At around midnight I checked my watch and realised that there was still a good two hours drinking time left and that all of the crew would be in the Swinging Sporran so I decided to dump the sea-monster and head over for a final few pints. I got out of bed and started to get dressed. Rowena stirred.....

"Where you going?" she mumbled "I thought you'd stay here tonight with me..."

Not wanting to hurt her feelings by telling her the truth I came out with.

"Sorry love but I've just realised that I've forgotten my Insulin and I'm starting to feel a bit light headed. I need to go back to my mates for a shot or I'll go into a coma"


She fell for it hook line and sinker and I headed into the night and into the nightclub.

I still feel bad about that lie and I'm sure that the Gods will get my back by having me develop diabetes for real as I get older. As if I care....

Cheers and I'll see everyone in the Drunken Monkey on Saturday. I'll be the one unconscious in the corner. Don't piss on me.
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 25 Nov 2005, 8:54, Reply)

You think I'd tell you lot?
I'm not wandering into that little cul-de-sac, oh no.

Although...

the colour (or lack of) on my mate's face on
looking up from the dancefloor to see his
mother on a podium sniffing poppers with her
tits out - priceless.

;¬)
( Geoff the Clownfish You know Myra, some people might think you're cute, Fri 25 Nov 2005, 8:54, Reply)

Self-loathing
of course I have done many shameful things along the lines of infidelity/kissing people I shouldn't have done/having sex in places I shouldn't have done, etc etc. But the thing that really haunts my dreams?

When I was seven I killed a baby frog.

Oh god, the shame!
(jaffafairy, Fri 25 Nov 2005, 8:44, Reply)

Party
Oh dear don't even know why I'm posting this, I'm going to need conselling again.

During my more tender years, I went to a party and arrived fashionably early (midday) so I could watch the FA Cup build up, I was there with my sister (shame scale 8 of a possible 10), her friend and the hostess (her parents were away). I got very drunk very quickly and by 10pm I was asleep in the hostess's bed. She got in a little later, woke me up and we shagged 4 times, so all in all it had gone alright. The next day I heard about the fallout from the previous night. The hostess caught me micturating up the radiator in her parents room and vomiting on the wicker chair in the same room, this was prior to the shagging. Oh dear.

Just thought of another one, a little earlier in my life I was an office junior in an account department and it was year end so we had the auditors round. We set them up in a little office and they needed an "uplighter" (like a normal light but points light up, hence the name, skip to the end!). I entered carrying said item, it was dead quiet as they were auditing away, I bent over to plug it in and farted. I then tried to replicate the sound by rubbing my shoe on the base of the uplighter to make it sound like it was that in the first place. Of course rubber on metal can never and will never sound like cutting one, oh the shame.
( sock more tea vicar?, Fri 25 Nov 2005, 8:00, Reply)

Destroying others
When I was about 10, I belonged to some wanky club called EcoKids. We went to parks and cleaned up trash, etc. We had a member called Anthony, and his parents were going through a very messy divorce and his father's business was going down the toilet. He was a spoilt little bastard (his dad owned a construction company and they lived in a $2 million house, drove fancy cars, etc), but I still don't think it excuses my behaviour.

One Saturday, we were having one of our self-important, self-righteous meetings. Anthony got upset about something, and walked out. On the way to the door, he passed me, and I said "That's okay, we don't want you here anyway." I have no idea why I said this: it just popped out. He ran out crying.

And now for the worst bit: no one knew it was me. They all thought it was this girl beside me called Michi. She got in all kinds of trouble over it, Anthony's parents called her mother, etc. She was a virtual leper for months afterwards. So not only did I kick someone when they were down, I let someone else take the heat for it.

This is like therapy! I actually feel a tiny bit better about it after getting it out in the open. I still feel like a tosser about it though. Michi or Anthony, if you are reading this, I'm really, really sorry: it was a horrible thing to do.
(BlackArmadillo Avoided writing that article on, Fri 25 Nov 2005, 7:24, Reply)

Oh where to start....
1. Waking up next to a fat Billy Idol lookalike, knowing full well I had gone to bed sober

2. Pity-fucking one of my Uni stalkers

3. Starting a fight in a Birmingham nightclub by shoving ice down some poor girl's top

4. Lapdancing on the Sales Director

5. Lapdancing on the MD

6. Dancing "like a hooker" according to a mate, one drunken weekend in Liverpool.

oh I could go on, but I would have to re-live all the shame again...
( DeSpong currently knitting your suggestions - see profile, Fri 25 Nov 2005, 7:01, Reply)

Slept with my good friend's ex
She was obese, lacked personality and not in any way hot, but she was willing and I was obviously desperate. It went on for a month or so before I called it quits. The most embarassing part was telling my friend (I reckoned that he would find out eventually, which would be even more embarassing).
(spinoza, Fri 25 Nov 2005, 6:46, Reply)

Got caught having sex in the server room.....twice
Myself and the now Mrs Kaer used to work together.

We're both IT geeks.

One day she decides she must have some sex in the server room. Who am I to complain?

At this company everyone normally left fairly early, so at 5:30 pm, we're happily shagging in the server room.

Mid shag, the door opens, in comes Cythnia, one of the copy writers. Mouth open, shock horror, swift cover up, muttered explanations from the then girlfriend. Cythnia beats a quick exit.

Thinking that was it, we continue.

Only to be busted half an hour later by the CEO.

I had already resigned, so was not fussed, the then gf, was paranoid for a week. Absolutely nothing happened (being the only techie who knew how everything worked, and had to transition the info to my replacement, probably helped), though I suspect it was office gossip for a while.

No shame about being busted the first time. It was the being busted, then continuing and getting busted again that I feel the shame.
(Kaer, Fri 25 Nov 2005, 6:38, Reply)

I'm a git
1) at about 4 years old I was obviously becoming aware that there were people in the world who had skin a different colour to mine (i.e. caucasian) and had been pressing my Mum for an explanation as to how this was so. One day when queuing in the local butcher's shop an old lady of afro-carribean descent walked in and I said very loudly "Look Mum, there's one of them". Me poor mother was mortified and hastily explained to all and sundry that the lad wasn't growing up in a racist household. Thankfully the old lady took it all in good grace.

2) I was on the organising committee for "Rag Week" during sixth form and the fund-raising for our chosen charity, Greenpeace, had gone reasonably well. Me and a couple of other lads who led me astray in all manner of ways decided we would reward ourselves for all our hard work by going down the high street with collecting tins and then spending whatever we 'raised'. We managed about 130 quid as I remember from which I bought myself an England football shirt and the rest we spent in the boozer at the end of the high street getting right-royally sh!t-faced with a bag full of empty collecting tins at our feet. Not proud - sorry Greenpeace and sorry generous donors. Feel better for confessing though.
(You'll never take me alive copper, Fri 25 Nov 2005, 3:53, Reply)

Last saturday,
I accompanied my girlfriend to a house party. Since I was due to arrive more than fashionably late, I decided that it would be a good idea to drink 5 cans of strongbow on the way.

I then proceeded to drink constantly while there, deteriorating from just about managing to regail groups of strangers with witty anecdotes to stomping around shouting (coherently) at groups of strangers, to becoming rather paralytic by the time I left.

After helping my girlfriend out of her clothing ("wow, you're a young lady all the way down"), I remember nothing until waking up in her bed with aforementioned young lady not present, and a king's ransom in chunky vomit in her place.

"She must have thrown up and gone somewhere,"

my still-mangled brain muttered to me as I fled the stench to sleep it off in my own room.
It wasn't until a few hours later that I sat up in bed and shouted

"HOLY FUCK, I THREW UP ALL OVER MY GIRLFRIEND!!!"

and continued to sleep it off.

The shame.

Some people find the length charming.
(Slurpy The Frog, Fri 25 Nov 2005, 2:00, Reply)

my mother's a fiend, I'm ashamed of her.
She's a nurse, generally taking care of really old heart patients. On a regular basis she makes certain rude noises/smells while she's in a room with an unconscious patient some other nurse is assigned to.

She'll then tell the nurse in charge of the patient, "Your patient SMELLS! I think you need to check them!" And then she'll laugh from a distance as her co-worker, gagging and armed with deodorizer, checks under the poor patient's covers and doesn't find a single thing.
( trintrin has jam for blood, Fri 25 Nov 2005, 1:23, Reply)

I'm ashamed of the joke I told on the underground.
My friend was annoying me by whispering things in my ear about really stupid things, so I waited for her to finish talking and then I suddenly shouted to her "What the fuck do you mean you forgot the deteonator?"

Everybody looked at us, trying to work out if we were trying to be funny or not.

"For fuck's sake, Jen, Osama's really going to have us this time... Look, I'll call Abdul and we'll get the fuck out of here."

We got off at the next stop.

I suppose it's not as bad as my other friend's trick of jumping off a train with one of his mates' bags, then throwing it back to them through the door just as the train leaves whilst grinning like a manic and waving, but still...the shame...
( Reid got it going on like Donkey Kong, Fri 25 Nov 2005, 1:09, Reply)

Embarassment/Shame
I was once on a school trip, and it was in an old Tudor building. Being young school children (Year 6 this must have been) we all made up stories about how this place was haunted by various ghosts and ghoulies.

And being all but a wee nipper, I was naturally scared by what might happen to me if I left the warm safe haven of my beddybies. So scared in fact that I didn't want to walk across the room to go to the toilet.

Now, you can hold it and hold it but there's a point which you get to where it's too much and you just have to give in. Now, I thought "Right, that's it. No ghost is gonna scare me" and I sat up abruptly, forgetting the current turtle neck situation. I felt a warm squishyness in my pants and realised the tragedy of which had befallen me.

So I swaggered across the room (John Wayne style) pretending to make a joke of it, and I thought I'd gotten away with it.

So, I go into the toilet thinking "Hmm, this will be simple, just turn these inside out and plop the little fella inside the toilet bowl"

*splat*

The turd came out of my undies and landed on the floor just in front of the toilet. BUT, I hadn't noticed, I just cleaned up my undies, finished the job and walked out leaving a nice little package on the floor behind me.

Just as I climbed into my warm bed, one of my friends from the same dorm goes into the toilet. After a short amount of time, sure enough, there were sounds of displeasement coming from the bathroom.

He runs out blaming me for having shat on the floor (which is fair enough, I might aswell have just taken a dump IN FRONT of the toilet) and wakes everyone up to tell them about it.

LUCKILY for me however, everyone else was asleep, so I managed to blag that I never saw anything and it must have been him because it wasn't there when I was.

So a teacher comes in to see what the noise is all about, I blamed him and he blamed me. The thing is, I was always a good kid, and he was always in trouble, so she was more inclined to belive me :D.

The best part was when he was thinking of excuses, they had a cat which he blamed it on, he even said the cleaner could have done it.

Still to this day I decline it was ever me, even though everyone knows it was.

(I can't belive I'm publically admitting to this)
(el maggo t3h 1st, Fri 25 Nov 2005, 0:54, Reply)