Not sleepwalking
But I was asleep none the less.

My ex told me that whenever I used to fart in my sleep, i'd have a little chuckle to myself.

Every time apparently.
( HoratioFellatio Taking the the out of psychotherapist, Sun 26 Aug 2007, 10:58, Reply)

I'm a notorious sleepwaker
Almost every morning I'll get up, get ready and go to work. The horrible thing is that it's lucid sleep-waking - so the whole time I'm totally aware that I'd rather be at home asleep.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 26 Aug 2007, 8:38, Reply)

Meow
I don't really sleep walk. I am notorious for talking in my sleep though.
One time I got up, walked out into the bathroom, threw up, and went back to bed. I have no memory of that AT ALL.

Other memorable times.
Telling my brother he looks like James Blunt.
He wasn't even in the room at the time, but my mother heard me
(Poppet some assembly required., Sun 26 Aug 2007, 6:04, Reply)

Sleeptalking
My ex used to talk in his sleep a lot - one night I was woken by him shouting "I'm gonna cut your fucking cunt off!" and another night he told me to get out of the bin...

I also have a mate who amongst other things has fallen out a window in her sleep - thankfully ground floor
(fuzzibear, Sun 26 Aug 2007, 1:34, Reply)

Kinda sleepwalking
After a night out on the piss, me and a mate trekked back to my house. We were very heavily intoxicated and it took 3 times as long as it should have as we had to prop each other up and he had to lie down every now and then.

I note at this point that i've never seen him this bad before, usually he just gets a little bit leary, not really coming close to passing out or anything like that but it was alright we managed to get home and we both immediately fell asleep. I must also mention at this point that my friend pisses like a racehorse every few hours or so.

So at some early point in the morning im woken up by some mumbling and banging noises, as my eyes adjust to the darkness, i see my friend, walking into my window, bouncing off, and then attempting to walk back into it.

I enquire as to what he is doing and he mutters something about going to the bathroom, i point him in the direction of the door and after setlling back to sleep he cries out "..i can't open it" so i get up, open the door and he SHOOTS out.. however, he went into the wrong room, he went into the spare room next to the toilet.. i hear "this isn't the bathroom" but instead of merely walking next door, he RUNS all the way down the stairs and out the front door.

Swearing under my breath, i go to check on him, and find him taking a piss on the road out the front of my house.

After going back to sleep im woken up 3 hours later to have the EXACT SAME PROCESS repeated, except this time i made sure he found the toilet ok.. sigh.

sorry about the length.. and lack of relevance
(Black sky No accidents since, Sun 26 Aug 2007, 0:14, Reply)

Literal sleep walking
has occurred to me once as I was trekking across campus to see my girlfriend. I was warm, it was raining and I know the route backwards. I suddenly came to with a serious limp, no recollection of the past few hundred yards a stiff neck. Turns out I had fallen asleep and then wandered off the path so one foot was on and one was off. This resulted in my tilting so I wouldnt trip over the edge of path. Cue me then waking up seriously stiff from where I had been held in place by my sleeping brain which had failed to get me back on the path.

I also have another story about how I wandered all over campus in my quest for my post while being trailed by a receptionist and a security guard - WHILE ASLEEP.
(McMosha is clockwatching at, Sun 26 Aug 2007, 0:01, Reply)

I was young
Very young. So young I used to look out the window when I'd been put to bed and admire the daylight, wishing I could stay up that little bit longer. It never did happen, but I still remember very vividly to this day my best sleepwalking moment.

It was around 3am. I remember this because the red digits from my parents' alarm clock were beaming across the room into my blank eyes. I decided, seeing as I'd walked into my parents' bedroom, that I'd count to one hundred then go and do something else. I waited for the alarm clock to blink over to the next minute, then began my quest to that milestone number in my head. I must've thought I could do it faster than a minute, but I didn't succeed.

I then changed the alarm time on the clock and went to bed. Dad was late for work that day.
(Fuzzy, Sat 25 Aug 2007, 23:28, Reply)

Piss
On the night of Monday the 9'th of July, 2007, a heinous crime was committed by an unspeakably sick person at the hour of 3am. I was woken from a drunken sleep by the sound of running water, and then the sound of walking feet. It was then I realised the terrible truth - someone had just pissed on my bedroom carpet, leaving me to mop up a warm puddle of urine. Was this out of malice, or simply a drunken mistake?

But who was it? In the house that night there was - in alphabetical order: Amy, Andy, Dan (me), Ed, and Mike (Ashby / Gashby - or indeed, Slashby?). The arguments to discovering the phantom pisser are varied, and outlined below, with a name, points against, and those for.

Amy:
A woman, therefore almost certainly penis-free. Alibi in the form of Andy.
The perfect crime. Drunk.

Andy:
Has an alibi in the form of Amy. Not drunk.
Left early in the morning - regretting an opportunistic attack?

Amy/Andy Combo Attack:
Motive?
Convenient alibis.

Dan:
Why would I piss in my own room? Went to the toilet for a huge wee after mopping up the one in my bedroom.
Drunk.

Ed:
-
Drunk. Previous record. Would do it if sober. Same movements needed to get to college toilet as that part of my room. Only person to claim to have not had a nocturnal wee, yet managed a good hour of bacon sandwich eating and Neighbours watching the following morning before heading to the shitter.

Slashby:
Sober (so he claims)
Name

What a conundrum.
(Merrep, Sat 25 Aug 2007, 23:23, Reply)

After a rough night
in a club where the only thing lower than the price of a pint was the average cut of the tops on the young lasses, I stumbled blearily into some generic scrubland, and with alcohol at the controls and not caring for my wellbeing/sanity, skinned up an uncharacteristically fat herbal cigarillo. Putting it to my lips, lighting up and inhaling are the last things I remember.

I came to the next morning with a hangover of Withnail proportions and no clue as to where I was. The floor was hard and cold, the ceiling was extremely low and had... chewing gum stuck to it?! I sat up, spanged my head off the 'ceiling' that later turned out to be the underside of a seat. On a train. Oh cumgargle, I'm horrendously lost in the train network! I could be ANYWHERE!

Then I looked out the window, realised I was in the train depot which is situated a mere mile from my house, and walked home at 7am. Still the most teste-trembling 5 minutes of my life. God, what if I'd ended up in... NEWRY.

:|
(SurferRosa causing the lamentation of the womenfolk since, Sat 25 Aug 2007, 22:36, Reply)

Sleepwalking - Ooohhh.. What does it mean?
When I was 12 I arrived in my parents bedroom at mid-night to, excitedly, tell them that I'd just had sex with a young woman called Rachel in the back of a Volkswagen Beetle and that I had, in fact, 'pumped the fucking arse off her until she was red-raw'. I hadn't really (I wish), at that time I knew no-one of that name, had no interest in cars and certainly wasn't that rude.

On one morning when I was 13 my mum found me sleeping halfway up/down the staircase with full mattress, pillow and duvet. This continued to happen most nights, without my knowledge, until I was 18.

At 18 my mum awoke at 2am to discover me in the toilet, pissing against the pedestal and all over the bathroom floor, when I'd finished I did casually turn, complete with piss-soaked feet, flush the (unused) toilet, wash my hands and return to bed.

Years later, picture the scene, I'm lying in bed with Mrs. Haggisbreeder, I sit up and start to 'eat' something. She (also sleep cognitive) says: What are you eating?
Me: Nothing! Go back to sleep, it's nothing, honest.
Her: Yes you are! What is it?
Me: Pizza (imaginary)
Her: Can I have a bit?
Me: Shhhh, just go back to sleep..
Her: Oh, go on..
Me: No you can't have any, now fuck off and go back to sleep.

I finished the lot myself, selfish bastard that I am.

The same thing has happened with mince and tatties a few times since then and also with haggis and neeps.

I've always been a sleep walker, recently Mrs Haggisbreeder woke at 2am to find me up against the bedroom window 'giving birth' to some aliens who were being 'delivered' thru the window (Honestly, I don't do drugs). I successfully delivered them all without incident, like a hero, and all the alien survivors and their remote families really appreciated that.

One night, about 2 years ago, when I was working away from home and stayed in a little hotel with some co-workers, I used my bed as a toilet. It was embarrassing and everyone really took the piss out of me. The following evening, I had learned my lesson, I would never again piss my own bed, so I crept into my bosses room and used his bed / pillow instead. How many people get to piss on their boss and use sleepwalking as an excuse?
I still grin (BIG) everytime I think 'I urinated all over that thick cunt'!
I continue to regularly sleepwalk, in-fact I'm actually sleep-writing this and probably won't remember anything about it.

P.S.

I'd just like to give you all a big 'Woo' and a clicky slice of 'YaY' for the sheer cuntyfucks of it.
(Haggisbreeder Was talking when he should have been listening on, Sat 25 Aug 2007, 22:04, Reply)

My little Brother
We used to share a bedroom when we were kids. Two single beds at opposite ends of the room. Every so often he would suddenly sit bolt upright in bed and say "You always come to see me but never say anything. Don't close the door!" This used to scare the bejeezuz out me everytime it happened. He was staring wild eyed, at the doors to my wardrobe, at the foot of my bed! Without fail I had to check inside to see if there was anbody there!

Oh, and I have a nasty habit of making cheese toasties in the middle of the night when I have had one over the ten in the pub! Don't remember doing it, just the evidence of the crumbs and plate in my bed!
(ToMeToYou is bumming a Unicorn on, Sat 25 Aug 2007, 21:59, Reply)

Bat girl
Once when we were wee and my gran and papa were rebuilding the interior of their house in Skye (where my gran stayed in the war), my whole family went to bed in the bare second bedroom.

My parents were on the floor, and my sister and brother had the twin beds to their side. I claimed the lone bed at the foot of the airbed.

In the morning my mum looked at me odd and asked if I remembered what I'd done. Nope, says I.

So she proceeded to explain how in the middle of the night she'd been woken by a giant "bat" looming over her. After this fright she looked closer and lo and behold, it was me! waving my duvet over my head.

"Vix0r," she whispered, "go back to bed". So I did, and to this day we have no idea why sleeping me had felt compelled to do it.
( vix0r was not Matthew on, Sat 25 Aug 2007, 21:49, Reply)

My parents were so terrible...
that they regularly beat me into next week.
( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Sat 25 Aug 2007, 21:43, Reply)

Balls to walking, I can't be arsed
My newish bird has informed me that over the last few weeks I have so far:

Muttered a good deal in my kip
Lay on my back and twiddled my thumbs
Shouted "Harry Potter!"
and last night "What flavour do you want?"

And just now after a particular energetic romp (it's bloody warm round here) I woke up with a jolt unable to recall what we'd just done, and simultaneously punching her in the face.

She's gone home now.
(tweebianmonkey Should be known as Widget, Sat 25 Aug 2007, 20:28, Reply)

sleepwalking sort of !!!!
A friend of mine went down to meet his future in Laws.

He went out with his to be father in law for a few Pints, Got absolutly bladdered and tried to Have a Piss in the hand basin in his room!!!!!!

He found out a few months later that his in Laws then had the builders in under their Guarentee (New Flat Roof) as they couldnt figure out where the 'Rain' was coming from as their new roof had been excellent till then!!

When I was doing my Plumbing Apprenticeship we were working on a London site where we had to install Cast iron suspended drainage in an Underground Carpark.

This involved Melting Lead in a gas furnace and the using the Molten lead to seal the Joints.

Fairly simple but if someone 'wazzed' in the Pot and it dried before you melted the lead down again you can imagine that the smell was worse than evil !!!!!

We also worked on a site where the "Phantom Poo Placer" worked, When ever somebody walked into a deserted Building their on the stairs would be a "Richard" with a Union Jack Sticking out of it, Grosssss or what.
(pir881, Sat 25 Aug 2007, 20:24, Reply)

When I was a young boy
I sleepwalked downstairs and into the lounge during the night, but before my parents had come upstairs, and I started to play a game.

"What are you doing?" Mother asked me.

"Playing with these toys!" I responded.

They were cat toys.
(ratthingbazzterd, Sat 25 Aug 2007, 19:08, Reply)

Another sleep pissing story
I was gently snoozing on the sofa after collapsing there due to a substantial intake of wobbly leg juice.

At about 5am I was awoken to the gentle sound of running water and could feel little droplets landing on my face.

After sleepily opening my eyes, in the half-light, I could see my housemate Bob, with one hand on the wall, pissing onto the coffee table and 4-way adaptor for the TV.

Obviously slightly alarmed by this sight, I shouted 'Bob what the frick do you think you're doing? you're gonna kill yourself' to which he calmly replied 'noooo, it's fine, I do it all the time'.

He then shook it off, zipped up and staggered off to bed, my 'fight or flight' response kicked in and I ran away to bed.

The next morning (or afternoon I guess), I wandered downstairs to see my other housemate mopping up the 'split water' from the coffee table. I didn't have the heart to tell her what it actually was.

I wish I had, two weeks later, in a similar situation one of my mates awoke to find Bob pissing in the electricity meter cupboard. Obviously his subconscious has some sort of drunken sleepwalking electrocution deathwish
(Dr Death is not as funny as when I thought it up, Sat 25 Aug 2007, 18:20, Reply)

my God.
Given that everyone in England seems to piss in the stove, and fall asleep on the toilet, does anyone cook in their bed?
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 25 Aug 2007, 18:06, Reply)

Sleep Pissing
My mate Nayr [for that is his name, backwards] has managed to sleep piss twice. Once he made it into his brothers bedroom and pissed *over* his little brother, which is fair enough as the kid is a twat.

The other time, wandered downstairs into the kitchen, opened up the oven grill and promptly emptied the contents of his bladder into it. Needless to say his mum was not amused by the pissy smell coming from the oven the next day and is one of the many reasons I won't eat round his house. The grill thing, not his mother, she's quite nice.

Most recently, a week ago, he manged to sleep walk naked out of his girlfriends bedroom and into her 13 year old sisters bedroom, then promptly fell back asleep curled up on her floor. As he is *impossible* to wake up when he's in a deep sleep they just covered him over with a blanket and left him there till the morning.

He didn't need to apologise for his length as he doesnt have one. :P
(Equalizor, Sat 25 Aug 2007, 17:28, Reply)

Laser nipples
I once was woken up my girlfriend informing me "it's a SCART cable" I was confused as I was pretty sure I had just been asleep.

"what is?" I replied

"You plug it in"

"huh?"

This conversation repeated about 20 times until I started to get angry at which point she woke up and had no idea what I was talking about!
(djflayva, Sat 25 Aug 2007, 16:14, Reply)

Seems sleep apnoea is more common than i thought
it really is crap.

especially because i only experience it when i'm half awake and for some reason can't move during that stage, so i'm facing a suffocation risk but can't even flail.

who the fuck wants to suffocate without flailing?

At least you feel like you have some kind of chance by flailing, but not me, oh no, not me, i can't fucking do it!

...oh wait, i'm a quadraplegic...

silly me!
(Snailfighter Mk VIII MASTER of the bits underneath the ledges on fences, Sat 25 Aug 2007, 16:08, Reply)

Note to self.... Breathe




I've gotten sleep apnea a couple of times in the past year. Fucking scary it is too. Judging by some of the symptoms - headaches, nocturnal toilet visits and the like, I've been getting it more often than I thought.


The only weird instance of me doing something and not recalling it was after a daylong piss up.

I walked home at closing time, opened the door, took my keys out of the lock, shut the door, switched on the light, hung up my coat and..... Was woken by my housemate three hours later. I was sitting upright at the kitchen table with a ham and cheese sandwich (minus a bite) and a very cold cup of tea in front of me. Between hanging up my coat and being discovered by my mate, I have no recollection at all. Strangely, I wasn't stiff or sore at all from sitting in a hard wooden chair for three hours. Everything in the house was neat and tidy with nothing out of the ordinary at all.


P.S. Regarding the noisy budgie earlier.

When my cat was still a kitten, she used to sleep in a 'cartoon' manner. She'd take a deep intake of breath and then exhale in a "Me, me, me, me, meeeee" style. It used to crack me up every time.
(Fanta Menace Is tall enough to see over the fence, Sat 25 Aug 2007, 16:02, Reply)

Sleep Paralysis
Reading a post below reminded me of my own experience of sleep paralysis.

I awoke to the feeling of electricity flowing through my head (similar to what I feel on magic mushrooms), like a shock and then a long build up to another shock. I tried to move and turn over but my body wasn't having any of it... I then had a horrible feeling that there was a strange dark figure just out of eyeshot. I tried and tried to move and felt more and more terrified as I 'sensed' this figure getting closer and the room growing darker.

I then heard a really strange noise from behind my radiator (just to the left of my bed in the direction I was facing). For some reason I got it into my head that a frog had become trapped inside the radiator and the sound was its trapped, metallic croaking!

I then think I fell asleep for a bit and woke up paralysed again, but this time saw a bright blue light a few inches in front of my face and got it into my head that it was my housemate shining his mobile phone light into my face...

I then managed to turn over and drifted off into a deep sleep. I even asked my housemate if he was playing tricks on me that night, but he just looked at me strangely.

Sleep Paralysis can be really frightening...

Edit: this is the funniest QOTW for a long while!
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Sat 25 Aug 2007, 15:52, Reply)

My mate...
Let's call him Keith (as that's his name) is a notorious sleep pisser. Not in the sense that he pisses the bed, but he pisses on other peoples beds and furniture.

Just off the top of my head he has pissed on:

My mates stairway.
Another mates television.
The corner of many a bedroom / living room.
A sink.
My fucking work boots.
His own mother! - He only woke up when his Dad hit him.

He is also notorious for waking up in random places (under bushes, pub car parks, under a lorry and once woke up on a traffic island with a black eye).

He's great is our Keith.
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Sat 25 Aug 2007, 15:43, Reply)

Sleep paralysis
happened to me while sleeping on a particularly shitty pull-out sofa bed.

Woke up in the middle of the night, couldn't move anything except my eyes. There appeared to be a bright light outside the window and a rushing sound akin to a train pulling into a station. After about maybe 30 seconds of this I went back to sleep again but it was pretty scary at the time.

If my IQ was significantly lower (i.e. if I were American) I probably would have sworn I was being abducted by aliens.

I also used to get sleep apnoea from that bed. That's where you wake up unable to breathe because your throat has closed up while you're asleep. It's a terrifying sensation as you try to suck air into your lungs but nothing's going in. Guess that's what it feels like to be suffocated to death.

Sleepwalking I've only ever done once, after a particularly heavy session on the bolivian marching powder. Apparently I got out of bed with my then girlfriend, walked into the living room where my friend was sleeping on our sofa bed, and proceeded to piss all over the tv. I awoke sat back on the edge of my bed with my girlfriend looking at me with a mixture of pity and disgust.

Her exact words, "well at least you didn't do it in the bed"

And of that I was quite proud.
(pmsc, Sat 25 Aug 2007, 15:42, Reply)

I sleepwalked once
though i can't remember a single bit of it.

Apparently i attended several black rights meetings and participated in a million man march, gave several speeches and disappeared for a few years.

How fucked up is that?
(Snailfighter Mk VIII MASTER of the bits underneath the ledges on fences, Sat 25 Aug 2007, 15:42, Reply)

Not quite on topic...
Years and years ago, I was with my first lady friend, who despite being quite a sexy rock chick she was actually quite bad in the sex department...

So bad in fact, that I once fell asleep whilst she was riding me ... That is when I allegedly mumbled three random and bizarre words in my sleep...
'halfway house' and 'cleric'...

We split up not long after.
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Sat 25 Aug 2007, 15:34, Reply)

No quite on topic...
I don't sleep walk, but I sleep talk.

I was living with my Ex, but I was talking to a very lovely girl behind her back. We were exchanging very horny, very graphic letters.

Thing was, I received one of these at work (always had them sent there rather than to home) and it was filthy. I read it about 4 times but left it at work.

Thing was, during the night I sat up, and started talking to myself about the letter, saying how I couldn't wait to do these things to her. Loudly enough to wake up the Ex. SHe listened intently, woke me up and wanted to know what I was on about.

I lied, told her I was dreaming about her. I managed to blag it away. Until the following night when I did this again, only calling out her name "Gemma".

I didn't really see her again, apart from when she was picking up her stuff...
(gjb006, Sat 25 Aug 2007, 15:15, Reply)

I fell asleep on the train station steps in Shrewsbury
whilst waiting for a taxi after a massive sesh.

Apparently, I got up, strode upto a passing stranger and shouted STOP PISSING ON MY CHIPS AND STEALING MY SCIENCE QUESTIONS, sat dont on a wall, and closed my eyes again.

no. recollection. ever.
(UnstableDan Bah, Humbug! ooooh, humbugs, nyom!, Sat 25 Aug 2007, 14:35, Reply)

My best mate......
My best mate sleepwalks.
Alot.
He lives with his girlfriend and her sister.
The girlfriends' sister apparently awoke to my friend turning on her bedroom light while he was starkers.
He apparently just stood there, stared at her then walked back out.
Does'nt remember a thing, and he's pretty lucky she did'nt give him a tune up as she's a major in the army.

I have experienced his sleepwalking first hand too.
Many eons ago my mate came over to my girlfriends house for a big night.
Woke up the next day feeling like crap, so we decided to do the only thing we could think of to soothe our hangovers, and that was to drink beer and black russians all morning.
I passed out on the floor, I assume my mate did not long afterwards.
It would have been almost sun down when I was awoken to what sounded like a leaking tap.
I looked up from the floor and to my horror I realised my mate was infact pissing in my girlfriends rubbish bin.
I yelled and thought I woke him up, he was still pretty out of it, so he came outside for a ciggy.
All he could do was giggle "That's so fucked man, I pissed in the bin".
He proceeded to fall asleep with a ciggy in his hand, so I dragged him back inside and he went back to sleep.
When he woke up he did'nt remember a thing, and was really shocked he had done that.

The thing that impressed me the most was that he actually had to stand on the pedal to open the lid, while at the same time managing to get 100% accuracy.


I am quietly proud of him.
(sinewriter, Sat 25 Aug 2007, 14:35, Reply)