Most notorious dad joke...
During every christmas dinner this little gem used to get trotted out.

Q: What's the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney?

A: Bing sings but Walt dis'nay.

Obviously helps if said in a Scottish accent which he failed to do.
Regular as clockwork my aunt used to pipe up that she didn't get it and everyone refused to explain it. This led to numerous repeats of the same joke every year.
*joy*
(bob n bev, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 14:27, Reply)

dad jokes
- put the kettle on

- it doesn´t fit! (surely a classic)

or...

- I´m off
- I wondered what the smell was (more of a kindergarten dad joke)
(handynix, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 14:27, Reply)

Oh and its thanks to my sister for this one.
In the house, everybody does this now to everyone when bored or in need of help.

Mum:Susie!
Me:What?!
Mum: Stinks!

Me even do it to the cats that answer with pathetic meowa thet sound like "whaaaat" (their siameis)

Oh and as I was the youngest, even as a teenager and now when out to dinner my mum makes me go collect things from people dressed in stupid animal costumes or ask things loudly like "do you want to go visit santa? didnt stop you in the past" as well as trying to pass me off as a kid for cheaper food.
( Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 14:26, Reply)

Just remembered another couple - both fart related
If someone (or he himself) farts, he shouts ' stop that' and then 'certainly sir, which way did it go?'

Or if someone lets out a right ripper he shouts 'don't tear it i'll take the piece'.

This question could easily be called boyfriend jokes - this is the kind of rubbish I come out with all the time with my partner and we haven't even spawned yet. Yes, she is still with me...
( A good man, and thorough, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 14:21, Reply)

When someone asks;
"Where's the bin?"

"I haven't been anywhere!"

arf.
(The Secret 7000 ...join us. www.secret7000.co.uk, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 14:20, Reply)

Grandad
My grandad, who is almost deaf and has false teeth so it's very hard to understand him, walked up to my gf last Xmas and shouted "You'd best stay away from me, I'm a dirty old man".

He also looks like Father Jack and he fell asleep in his armchair, with a party hat on, and a pint in one hand. I almost died.
( Barry Chuckle III - the troll with a soul., Wed 10 Dec 2003, 14:19, Reply)

When you're on a car journey
"Where are we Dad?"

"In the car"

cranberry
( viperrr mostly comes out at night, mostly, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 14:19, Reply)

As I grew up with just my mum and sister
My mum was the crack pot.

Oh easter, every single Egg joke Every single year, it was funny the first time when I was about 8 when I noticed it then it became anoying, but now I join in with her.

"what an EGGstrordinary day were are having, Im so EGGcited about easter arnt you? Yes, EGGsactly?"

This lasts all easter, egg egg egg egg egg....

Oh and another thing I think ive mentioned in the past. Even though my mum is well brought up and hates swearing, as a kid I remember calling bolougnase Bollocknase and she used to say Willy happy baby orangutan not wonker.

I used to get in a lot of trouble at school because of those....
( Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 14:17, Reply)

My Dad is a bit reserved...
Humour rather happened to other people. However when eating peas at tea time he used to say:

"I eat my peas with honey,
I've done so all my life,
It makes the peas taste funny,
but it keeps them on the knife"

Hilarious. Mind you it made a change to hear the old boy speak. Also everytime you wondered over some unidentifiable object in your meal he would say:

"Don't shout, or wave it about, or everyone will want one too!"

This was from the old joke about flys in soup. Everytime. WIthout fail.

Mind you I must be kind, my daughter is five and I find myself cracking crap jokes all the time. Its heart warming to see them laugh like drains over the oldest, lamest jokes you can remember - I guess you don't realise when your little girls' all grown up *sniff*
(Jim Bob, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 14:16, Reply)

The classic Nelson joke
Where does Nelson keep his armies?
Up his sleevies.

I am considering acquiring a shotgun license.
(The Secret 7000 ...join us. www.secret7000.co.uk, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 14:16, Reply)

Terry Wogan is to blame for all this.
I'm convinced. My mum's the worst for repeating his jokes, but my Dad occasionally chips in. His favourite is (as with so many here) from the dinner table. He always asks "Would you like a little wine?" before whimpering like a puppy whose mother's just died. Every. Single. Time.

He's great though, mind.
( TV's Nosemonkey, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 14:10, Reply)

Classics
These ones always get me:

Dad: Get's you down...
Me: What?
Dad: Lifts.
boomchaa.....
Dad: Makes you sick doesn't it?
Me: What?
Dad: Rollercoasters.
badumchaa.....
Dad: Still, at the end of the day...
Me: What?
Dad: It gets dark.
Ohh good god...
Not to mention:
Slept like a log last night.
Woke up next to the fire.
(eyebrows, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 14:09, Reply)

This one from Grandad
Whenever I put a shirt on, or have dressed up for some reason he'll turn to me and say -
"Who's a fart smeller then?"

Fart Smeller = Smart Fella

Groan.
(Choaderboy, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 14:08, Reply)

Every time, without fail...

Me - "I'm thirsty, I feel like a beer."
Dad - "You don't look like one!"

Hilarity ensues...

.
(mr pete, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 14:02, Reply)

Immortal classics
Upon seeing a cemetery:

1. "Dead centre of town, that....."

2. "There's people dying to get in there...."

Lord have mercy.
(davidblunkettsdogblankets, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 14:00, Reply)

My Dad was a star
he used to make us cross our hands spacko style, and bet us we couldn't bite our ears. Three Joey Deaconettes, one apoplectic father and one very embarrased mum.
(Waynster James Joyce is fucking my sister!, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 13:56, Reply)

chuckling dads
Dad, on far too many occasions, will tell us, "I had a dream last night. I dreamt I was eating a huge marshmallow and when I woke up, my pillow was gone." But when he's not telling us that one, he will say, "I used to be a werewolf...but I'm alright nnoooowwwww" ending on a ridiculous howl. These gems keep Dad amused for hours. However, we would like to locate the missing pillow and put him out of our misery.
( thealternativefact, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 13:53, Reply)

hm, dad jokes...
My dad moved out when I was ikle and I see him about once a year. My Uncle at christmas always makes us laugh till we wet ourselves. Ill be looking forward to....oh wait, hes not coming this year....

Um, my stepdad is a moaner, putting everyone off everything.

Every time we eat, he says stuff like "eating makes you fat" and "I used to work for birdseye, picking out maggots"

And hes not joking.
( Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 13:46, Reply)

oh wait another!
I had just been to the shops to purchase a loaf of bread and was walking home with it when i got a call from my dad.

me: "Hi Dad!"
dad: "Hi! What you doin?"
me: "Walking down the road with a loaf in my hand..."
dad: "It's got good reception!"

badum tish ithangyew.
( biscuits_alive taste my rainbow, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 13:44, Reply)

vee haf vays!!!!
My dad would sometimes take on an accent of a German WWII interrogator for no apparent reason, usually when asking a question, usually followed by "vee haf vays!!!"

I can't remember me or my brother ever laughing at this but that never deterred him.

Once he did it when I had my friends round. He popped his hear round the door and said "vere are yu sleeping?!". This made my mates collapse with laughter.
Because of this made my dad thought he was rather a hit with them.
Unfortunately he was. My mates kept repeating the phrase "vere are yu sleeping?!" for years afterwards.

Of course none of this will stop me from doing the same to my kids.......
(trollbite, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 13:44, Reply)

Dinner
When asking my mum "How Long's Dinner?"
Dad will butt in with "about 9 inches.." everytime.

I suppose I really should correct my grammar
(pen-al™, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 13:43, Reply)

My dad
walked in to find my friends and I simulating sexual intercourse with a spanky new bicycle (as you do) and muttered:

"That not what i thought you meant when you said you like mountin' bikes!"

badum tish!
( biscuits_alive taste my rainbow, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 13:40, Reply)

when phoning someone
I turned to my dad and said "i cant get through as they are engaged."

to which he replied with,

"well i guess they better get married then"
(Emohawk, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 13:38, Reply)

Pull My Finger
does that count?
( High Lord Phanty, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 13:34, Reply)

Christmas Dinner
It's my Grandad, but it's still pretty Daddish.

Every year along with the Uber classics about 'are you a breast or a leg man?' etc that are bound to be documented already, when asked if he would like stuffing my grandad relates the story of how during the war at a mess Xmas dinner Bloke in charge asks who wants stuffing and some wag shouts "the Seargent Major wants stuffing!"

Every year, without fail
(driverchris, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 13:33, Reply)

I've just realised something VERY nasty. Despite my definite girlieness, I've got the same sense of humour as my dad. Therefore, in about 30 years time, it's going to be me making stupid jokes.
(HanaBizzle, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 13:32, Reply)

my dad
I had my childhood friend visiting for a while when I was about 15 (we were once very close and we make it a habit to catch up every now and then)
Bearing in mind she comes from a VERY fundamentalist Christian family, any kind of rude, innapropriate, or suggestive joke is completely beyond her.
Anyways.. We were sitting down to a nice family meal of fajitas (dont ask) when my older brother decides to make the biggest fajita he can.. it needed two tortillas to wrap it up.. it was massive. we were giggling about this anyway, and wondering how the hell he was going to eat it.
Then my dad, with his wonderful sense of timing comes out with the little gem:
'Go on then son, get your lips around that and give it a nice big suck'
I nearly died laughing and almost fell off my chair. My poor friend however turned the brightest red ever and didnt know whether to laugh or leave the room.
Good old dad...
(blubear, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 13:32, Reply)

Not exactly a joke,
but whenever my dad get drunk at a party he insists on doing his Dissappearing Ball Of Paper trick. He thinks we can't see it being thrown three feet in to the air behind him.
Bless.
( Kamikaze Stoat £4.09, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 13:24, Reply)

my dad eh?
doesn't make many, but I think it must have skipped a generation because I make loads of dad jokes.

We were about to go on holiday to Turkey...
Sister: Mum, is Turkey like Egypt?
Me: No, it's like chicken!!
Boo-yeah!

Team name at last nights pub quiz?
We wish you a Merry Quizmas!
Swish!

P.Diddy's new ringtone?
*bling bling*
zing!
( fishsticks, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 13:23, Reply)

mmmm
Even before I was a dad I used

Put the Kettle/TV/Radio etc on

It won't fit!

god
(ho_yus, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 13:23, Reply)