Car crash
I used to fart a bit, but toned it down as I was starting to annoy everyone, and began to realise it wasn't really acceptable to just lift a leg and release the gas.
I once did it at a mate's house and he came running to the window thinking there had been a crash outside.
(Nibi, Sat 14 Jul 2007, 16:59, Reply)

European wind
During a tour of europe a few years ago I ate a pizza in Paris that inflicted me with gut cramps in Prague, eruptions in Vienna that are best left undescribed, followed by the most amazing wind in Munich. After running to the Gents in an Augsberg eatery to release said wind, it was with embarrassment that I learned the Gents window faced the outdoor courtyard that was filled with happy German diners. After my non-silent expellation of volumes of gas that would have floated the Hindenburgh, I heard an elderly gentleman in the courtyard exclaim 'Gott im Himmel!'.

Edit: a few months later, MrsFalafel and I were watching the film 'Titanic' on TV and during the scene where the Titanic is going down amidst the sounds of metal tearing and compartments collapsing, she looks over to me and says 'That sound makes me think of your incident in Augsburg' with a look of disgust...
(mrfalafel, Sat 14 Jul 2007, 16:49, Reply)

Vomit inducing trump...
I got food poisoning once from eating a few days old reformed sauasage thingy that i left in the fridge, and in fact, thinking about it whilst I write this still makes me wretch. But not as bad as my girlfriend at the time who was looking after me. In the recovery period of illness I was able to remain sitting up without being within ten yards of a toilet, but I was producing some of the vilest smells I have ever encountered. So bad in fact, that when said girlfriend walked into the living room I had just released a combination of toxins into the air that smelt so bad she had to run to the toilet to speak welsh.

It didn't last.
(Roy Horn, Sat 14 Jul 2007, 16:31, Reply)

Caravan
I know it's perfectly natural blah nothing to be ashamed of blah, but I personally find farts funny as fook.

Every year me and a load of friends cart ourselves down to a caravan. I think they have unspoken competitions to see who can make someone throw up. One of them knows that if he eats marmite then his crap factory goes into overdrive. One morning whilst unsuspectingly eating my breakfast, the most godawful smell crept through the caravan. I've done some pretty rank ones in my time, but this was an all-time best. It smelt like something had died up there and was decaying. Breakfast was abandoned and the rest of the park woken up by us evacuating and cursing the fecker. Yugggggh. *shudders*
( El Lazarus is calm now, Ish,, Sat 14 Jul 2007, 16:26, Reply)

My Brother Farted E.T. to Death!
I'm not kidding. I was about eight and we were on a cheapo family holiday so all essentially sleeping in the same tiny room in a hotel in La Rochelle. After we'd gone to bed I began having a nightmare about E.T. being ten foot tall and instead of having lovely glowing healing fingers he had massive knives and was pretty intent on stabbing me up with them. I was getting more and more terrified as he chased me through a field in the middle of the night until I reached a deserted town and E.T. suddenly disappeared. Now the real fear began. As I rounded the edges of buildings he would jump out, making that strange 'EEERRRRRR' noise he does in the film when he's startled. Finally he jumped out from behind a dustbin and I tripped and fell over. There was no escape. He towered over me, the lethal blades glinting in the moonlight and promptly spontaneously combusted with a loud noise and showered me in goo. Oddly I could then hear lots of people laughing and I joined in. Terror over I fell into a dreamless sleep and awoke the next morning ready to tell my parents about my weird dream.

"Did you have a nightmare last night?" My mother asked before I could even open my mouth. I just nodded suspiciously. She explained that while her and my dad were enjoying a last glass of wine before bed I'd started moaning in fright in my sleep. They waited to see if I would wake up and watched as I started screaming and clawing at the air. My mother decided to wake me up and comfort me but as she crossed the living room to the bunk beds where we were sleeping my ten year old brother rolled over and let rip the loudest fart my mother said she'd ever heard. I apparently instantly fell silent and my parents burst out laughing. My mum told me as she stood there trying not to wake us up by laughing so loud, I joined in. She presumed it had woken me up so asked if I was alright. When I responded with gentle snoring she just shrugged and they laughed about it some more. So there you have it, my brother farted E.T. to death. Beat that!
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Sat 14 Jul 2007, 15:55, Reply)

My stepfamily
This week's QOTW seems to handily match in with last week's for my story.

My stepfamily are probably the fartiest people I have ever met. Fortunately I'm not all that related.

My Dad likes to light his farts when he gets drunk at family Christmas gatherings and once decided to fart inside the (quite elderly) dog's tent-shaped, enclosed-style bed. The poor dog got into it, turned around once and stuck her head out again as if to say, "What have you done?"

Then again, this is the same dog who in her last few days sneezed and shot out a (now legendary) 100mph poo.

My stepmum has been described as "The only woman I've ever met who lights her own farts" and enjoys making everyone else join in the trumpeting with her favourite Winter dish - 'farty bean stew'. This is basically a mixture of about 5 or 6 different kinds of beans and vegetables like sprouts and I'm sure it's her way of getting free heating throughout the winter.

But my little sister, at the tender age of 2, possibly tops the lot. Recently I took my boyfriend to meet the mad stepfamily for the first time, and the five of us were sat at the table having some kind of conversation. Suddenly the conversation is interrupted with the loudest PPPPAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPP! you ever heard. Boyfriend's hair ripples with the soundwaves and a surprised expression fills his face.

"Who was that?" he enquires, looking around the room and trying to avoid looking my father in the eye.
"Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" Shouts the 2 year old, looking utterly delighted. Cue boyfriend's eyebrows nearly lifting off the top of his head and everybody else erupting into gales of laughter.

I would apologise, but he knows I like it
(Marmite Omelette ...but I feel better having screamed, don't you?, Sat 14 Jul 2007, 15:41, Reply)

Not strictly farts but...
on another occasion I was at a 21st birthday party in Motherwell. The Jack Daniels bar, I seem to remember. The drink had got to me, so I made my way to the toilet to relieve myself..... only to find an enormous jolly faced drunk guy leaning out the cubicle next to the one I was headed for. He was clearly waiting for someone to come into the toilet, and he immediately started talking to me as I rushed in and locked the door, small talk like "Great party" and "Havin a good time?" Then the mood changed. "Oh man I've been holding this in for aaaages!" he said. There then commenced one of the funniest things I have ever bore witness to, as he sat in the cubicle next to me going "OOOOH! AAAARGH! AAAAIIIEEEE! OOOF! OH MAN!! UUUMPH!" as the loudest collection of farts and splashes you have ever heard came flying over the partition! I left once the most part of the proceedings were over, before he came out. I would have stayed and shook him by the hand..... but considering the location, I decided not to.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Sat 14 Jul 2007, 15:39, Reply)

Plus
before I married my ex wife, one day she was combing her hair in the mirror. I ran up behind her and grabbed her hips, thrust my face into her arse and did a massive comedy sniff. The fates had decided that this was the exact moment she would emit a silent but very potent stink. The gas which rushed up my nostrils can only be described as "Turnip death" She thought it was hilarious. I never did a comedy sniff of her arse again.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Sat 14 Jul 2007, 15:32, Reply)

When I was a nipper
I was tiny. I mean, all kids are tiny, but I was really tiny. I was in primary 3, and we were getting a maths lesson, so, as young uns do, we were all sitting cross legged on the floor listening to the teacher. I had been holding a fart in for ages, due to the fact that it ws a small classroom and there were girls sat next to me, even back then I had a sense of chivalry, but the small fart which I had originally been holding in had been joined by others, and they had merged into a colon stretching room shaker which I was finding it harder and harder to contain. And then I felt it. That weird, tickly sensation that heralds the imminent arrival of a sneeze. I knew what was going to happen. But like a road accident, I sat there and watched events unfold, powerless to stop them. The sneeze feeling grew and grew until finally "aaaaaah-choo *PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRP*" The terrifying suddenness of this cataclysmic bum tune shocked everyone in the room! The entire class turned round and stared, open mouthed, at the tiny person that this humungous breeze had came from. I mean everyone. The teacher stood there aghast. Thay sat there in stunned silence, the only sound was (and this is true) the fart echoing off down the corridor outside. No-one laughed. No-one said anything! After about 10 seconds, the teacher slowly went back to her lesson and if I recall correctly, not a single person mentioned it to me for the rest of the day!
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Sat 14 Jul 2007, 15:26, Reply)

Farting tricks
As some of you may or may not know, I'm in the TA. If you want a good way of getting a good laugh with your mates, farting just as a sergeant is walking behind you on parade is a very good way. And of course, the smellier, the better.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Sat 14 Jul 2007, 15:13, Reply)

Oh, this has to be my favourite question so far
My farts... oh my. Farting in a lift? The work of amateurs. Passing a car with an open window? Pure child's play. Try clearing out an entire school hall. I had no idea what I was eating, considering it was 14 years ago. However, it was morning assembly. Picture the scene- the headteacher at the front of us all, sat on the floor, cross-legged like the good little children that we were. And then, I notice a rumbling. A fart is brewing. And it's a big one. Much, much bigger than I am used to. There's nothing I can do about this one- it was going to be loud, and it was going to be violent. Which it was, believe me. In a bid to let off just a little rectal pressure, I shifted to the side to let a small amount out. Unfortunately, I am not le petomane. The whole lot came out in one go, and it was as though Satan himself had possessed my arsehole, and was breathing out of it. The infants class were giggling, the teachers standing round looked scandalised, and the person sitting behind me looked quite ill. So would anyone who had just received the full force of a Jim-brand fart. And the smell... oh the smell. I know everyone appreciates their own brand but bloody hell it was turbo-charged. So much so, they evacuated the school hall, whilst I was trying my best not to giggle. That's not the end of it though. I had to write a letter of apology to the head teacher. Looking back, I should have "perfumed" it.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Sat 14 Jul 2007, 15:12, Reply)

Face fart
I was sitting on the floor outside a train station waiting for a lift. I think it may have been Nuneaton. The train had just kicked out so there were quite a few people around, one of whom was standing right beside me. People cleard off and in the slience after these people went the man next to me let off an enormous guff. I swear it echoed in the car park. Practicaly parted my hair.

After a decent pause he leaned down and apologised in a plummy accent.

I tried not to snigger.
(peech, Sat 14 Jul 2007, 15:09, Reply)

Once upon a time in Oxford
I was visiting a mate who works in an independent video store. I let one rip, not thinking much of it, but soon discovered that I had released one of the most intensely fetid stenches yet recorded by human beings. It was so bad that all the other customers left and they ended up closing the shop and evacuating to the pub for half an hour to let it clear. I haven't been back since.
(franktard, Sat 14 Jul 2007, 15:06, Reply)

Farts in a can
I normally have a pretty horrible potential for creating foul smells, but I really come into my own when I use a special recipe (that tastes awesome). Chilli beans...I mean, they cause curling of wallpaper. I use it against my flatmates but do fear that I will discolour the freshly painted walls.
Oh, when we lived in uni halls of residence too, we were bastards to each other on our corridor....walking into each others'rooms and letting one go. I think it's safe to say I used to win!

I inherited my ability from my dad...who is very proud of this 'talent' and is disturbingly well known for it - cue almost all birthday cards being arsegas-related.
(Robbish is twitching & salivating like with myxomatosis, Sat 14 Jul 2007, 13:44, Reply)

After purchasing a Wii
We ended up around the other half's house, playing various sporting games on said console with his parents.

Much to her embarrassment, during a rather enthusiastic serve in tennis, his mother let one rip. I found it hilarious, as did his mother but the boyfriend was very ashamed.

She is not elderly at all, but she kept doing this as we kept playing, blaming the fact she has to sit at a desk all day!
(fluffytail, Sat 14 Jul 2007, 12:40, Reply)

I assume everybody knows
About Will the farter........I feel sorry for the cat

willthefarter.com/multimedia.htm
(turtles head is touching cloth poked a dwarf on the forehead at, Sat 14 Jul 2007, 11:41, Reply)

Fart Roulette
Shameful of me, I know...

I like to inflict a little game of 'fart roulette' on my fellow workers. You see, my desk is in full view of the lift. There aren't many things that brighten up my day more than seeing someone come out of the freshly polluted hell-box with that special look of grim, frightened shock.

I give myself bonus points if I manage to get one of the directors.

And to all you people who hop on the west bound Central Line from Liverpool Street at around 0830.... Bwuahahahaaa.
(Speculum, Sat 14 Jul 2007, 11:39, Reply)

i'm cross and tired
because i've been cleaning all morning. so i am grumpy enough to be disloyal and to rat on my brother.

my brother and his mate the "stinking lemon of death" are inordinately proud of their bodily functions. they both love to tell me in horrible detail because they know i'll be all girly and middle class and squealy about it.

so one night on holiday in the states when they were about 21, they had been out on the serious lash. they had both been consuming the 12% judas beer ("one of those and you betray yourself," as my brother said bitterly). my brother got up and released a cloud of toxic arse gas that woke his mate in the next bed.

not sure whether to be proud or disgusted, the lemon sat up and opened his mouth to say "the offender. it offends." or some such stupid male anal ritual.

unfortunately for the lemon, my brother had let rip right in front of the fan, which oscillated towards the lemon and flung the entire stinking beer fart into his open mouth. there was much gagging, retching and revenge.

i'm now saying anything to avoid going back to my scrubbing. but i wonder if beer is why men have so much more to say on this topic as they generally drink more beer. when i am queen of england, beer farts will be illegal - especially the ones that get caught noxiously in the air conditioning and make everyone keep suffering them, which is my brother's pet trick on family holidays.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sat 14 Jul 2007, 11:31, Reply)

Not me, but...
When my dad had to have a temporary colostomy bag, he used to be bothered by the gasseous build up. That is until he discovered the "prick & stick" routine. Yep, he pinpricked the bag to let the farts out, lit them (good thing too - the stench was horrific!), then covered over the pin hole with a plaster.
Mmmm
( Whodathunkit, Sat 14 Jul 2007, 11:29, Reply)

Shop
I used to work at a well known high street wargames stores (who's initials may or may not be GW). Being (mostly) youngish lads much beer was consumed and crap food eaten which resulted in a fair amount of gassage. But one day Matt had the most foul guffs ever - turns out he'd eated a BIG bag of Asda peanuts for his lunch that day (and the preceeding 3 days) and nothing else. Man it reaked.
(kitescreech still here, Sat 14 Jul 2007, 10:56, Reply)

Fartiest. Food. Ever.
Kashi GoLean Crunch breakfast cereal. Beano has no effect on this stuff.
( cynfulcynner ...another American nutter, Sat 14 Jul 2007, 10:36, Reply)

Genuine medical text
The Merck Manual is a well-known and quite respected tome for healthcare workers. The section on farting is quite illuminating. Specifically scroll down about half way to the 'Side Bar' where it describes an 'essay' on the subject penned in an earlier, more entertaining edition:

www.merck.com/mmpe/sec02/ch008/ch008d.html

Damned if they don't try to categorise them. Go on - have a snigger.

Apols if this has already been posted,
(Thomas_The_Spankengine, Sat 14 Jul 2007, 10:15, Reply)

while bowling with my cousins
it was at the end of the game and it was my last throw so they all decided to put me off. so i dropped a particularly nasty (we had gone out drinking the night before) SBD when i picked up a ball. they were all too busy blaming each other for it until they saw the ear to ear grin on my face after i had took my shot that is
( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Sat 14 Jul 2007, 9:42, Reply)

I've been fary all last night and all today.
It's been horrible and it feels like I've cacked myself. Which I haven't.

It's probably the kebab.
( head-doctor ololololo, Sat 14 Jul 2007, 9:16, Reply)

I whent to school with the worst farter in the world
he would regularly trump so badly he could stink out a classroom, to the point that no one could work. Famously he was once sent home for disrupting lessons after farting so profusely the class threatened to walk out rather than taste his air biscuit.

He was so proud of his 'skills', he would cheerfully own up to any anal misdeeds as in:

"errrugh that stinks like raw sewage"

"IT WAS ME!!!"

but his best achievement was killing a hamster by farting on it. Perhaps it had already lost the will to live by sharing a room with him, but one particularly bad one gassed it off the mortal coil.

normally kids would be proud of him, but this was secondary school not infants. Also he was fat and ginger.
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Sat 14 Jul 2007, 9:14, Reply)

Rumbling Tummy
Y'know when your tummy rumbles and you say "Oooh Im hungry" ? Well, it may be perisataltic action moving a huge turd towards your nipsy - remeber that when you hear a rumble next from you dearly beloved.
(kitescreech still here, Sat 14 Jul 2007, 9:05, Reply)

fun fact
Richard I is recorded as giving 30 acres of land to a jester because he could fart tunes.
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Sat 14 Jul 2007, 9:02, Reply)

Fartiness
I am afraid one of those people that can dispense chewy air buscuits almost at will, but save the best for when I out shopping with my kids, normally by Tescos cheese counter.

I am reminded of one evening working late all alone at work on my computer terminal, before PCs, and letting rip the most noxious, smleey clouds of gas and sitting there all happy with my self when the new finance director came for a chat, I am still unsure how she never chucked up, or indeed mentioned it at all. Oh happy days, pre ex-wife!
(Batters, Sat 14 Jul 2007, 7:21, Reply)

Caught him
The BF and I had been going out for about a year, and we still were trying not to fart in front of each other. We'd been hanging out for a few hours, when I needed to pee and stepped out.

Apparently I came back earlier than he expected me to, as literally the second I came in he let rip a huge one, along with an "OHHH yeah!!"

It wasn't so much the fart as the comment that made me double up with laughter... He was embarrassed, yes.
(AlfishKK, Sat 14 Jul 2007, 5:49, Reply)