I once prostituted my hot cock to a japanese businessman in a primark suit
The cunt bit the whole thing off. Said it tasted like "ticken". Fortunately he covered his salami sausage in utterly butterly and did my bum in. The trip to A&E was worth it.
( Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 3:08, Reply)

Not me...
Not myself, but my younger cousin.

When he was about eight years old he opened every draw on a chest of draws in order to use them as stairs. Naked.

He climbs to the top to get some underwear. Losses balance and falls forward onto the open draws.

He cleanly and efficiently circumcised himself. The doctors said he was lucky he still had a penis at all.

My bits are just fine thankyou very much.
(feature_wall, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 3:06, Reply)

Riding a bike...
...yes, the ones that have two wheels and pedals...

I hit a wall (being young and unexperienced). At a high velocity I left my seat and my groin was practically pierced by the handlebar"s crosstrees.

I could barely walk :(
(satellite blows, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 2:45, Reply)

Apologies in advance - Tore my Frenulum
Well, it was my second year of university, and things were very slow on the old sex front, until one night, I went out drinking with a female friend of mine (who I ended up marrying), and pulled *her* friend who was a fat munter. Things were up, we all got extremely drunk, and we went back to her place for the rumpy-pumpy!

She'd turned on a red lava lamp, and some inappropriate music, but I didn't care, I was getting some tonight! So there I am, banging away, all happy in my little self, drunk beyond belief, when I suddenly notice that the rubber had split. So this was enough to freak me out, so I stopped. Then I went to take off the flapping useless joke of profalactic, when I notice that my mans all dark, and it didn't look a good dark. Under the dim red light I figured it was blood. So I did the most polite thing I could do...

I asked her if it was her time of the month!

Nope! So I promptly went to the bathroom to try to sort myself out. Now she was living in Student Halls at the time, and they were all painted white walls, and yes, you guessed it, it looked like a horror scene afterwards.

Ended up going outside, bleeding out me manhood, vomited (well I had been drinking, and seen blood from my member), then called an Ambulence.

Turned out I tore my frenulum (the Banjo String on the south side of the big end, where it meets the tower!), and I wasn't the first one they'd seen that night in the hospital!

One circumcision later, I'm all good again. edit
Remembered that the stitches I had when I was snipped were supposed to be "dissolvable" 7 weeks later (when they were supposed to go in 4), the bugger is still in there, so I snipped the stitches myself, and bravely pulled them out. The most painful part was the badly cut end, being pulled from the inside out! YIKES!!! crosses legs thinking about it again

Apologies for everthing!
( DavyBoyInGravyJoy Grey Goose Vodka on Ice, nothing finer, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 1:57, Reply)

Bringing back all the pain, again...
This is an ironically shameless pea-roast from the 'shame' question.


I'm about 8 years old, and still mastering the techniques or urinating at a urinal.

I didn't miss the urinal. Oh no; every drop went in. Impressive, considering that I was late for lessons.

However, the tardiness of my lesson attendance led to retardedness of subsequent action. I pulled up my lovely tight fly without putting Jimmy away properly, and got my forskin stuck. Yay.

Back when I was that age, most of the teachers were female. I went to the form teacher, who insisted on having a look before declaring that there was nothing she could do. So we went to another female teacher, who found some magic lubricating cream or something, which she proceeded to rub into the tip of my very painful boyhood. All fairness, she got it out with a minimum of pain.

The most shame, however, came when I had to go to the nurse, who insisted that it was school policy that parents be told of such occurrences. So, home I toddled, clutching a note for my dear mother reading something like:

MEDICAL INCIDENT FORM

PUPIL: SAM X

INCIDENT: PENIS CAUGHT IN FLY

I've never been the same since.


You can make me better by clicking 'I like this' and contributing to this post's appearance on not one but two 'best' pages!
(Mr_Jums, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 1:47, Reply)

Buns of Bitumen
My grandfather used to own a cabin in the mountains, which was accessed by a long, steep, rough, asphalt and gravel driveway. Maybe 30 meters long, average 20 degree angle. At said cabin, there was a Big Wheel--you know, those plastic trike things. This was an old one, no stupid wheely bar or seat back. Anyway, I would get on this thing and ride it down the driveway, reaching about mach 2 by the bottom. One day I also discovered that by leaning back, it was very easy to pop and sustain a wheelie--so naturally, I took to seeing how far down the hill I could get on just the back wheels.

Until I went too far back and slipped off the back (plastic seat, no backrest, remember?). Since I had already broken the sound barrier by this point and brakes were nonexistent, I proceeded to drag my sorry behind all the way to the bottom of the hill, leaving behind a rather lot of flesh, and replacing it with gravel and dirt.

Didn't stop me riding of course, but I never leaned back again. My brother eventually broke the Big Wheel by deliberately riding off the driveway into a field--but by that point we had upgraded to scooters, anyway.

Also, last night I zipped my foreskin into my fly.
(+3 Baroque Vambrace of Icthyology, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 1:26, Reply)

I was doing dishes and I thought
"Gee, all the really sharp knives will get REALLY clean if I put them in the dishwasher pointy side up!"

Then I stopped to go do something and came back to finish the dishes 5 minutes later.

I washed off a plate, put it in and...

three knives THROUGH my hand.

Left terrific scars though, which I tell everyone is from fighting.
( Scoopzilla http://www.slapwatch.com now get to fuck, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 1:06, Reply)

An Innocent Visit to the Newsagents
It happened when I popped into my newsagents a couple of months ago to collect my monthly collection of porn mags. When I entered the shop I was greeted by an unfamiliar face behind the counter, a greeting of "Hello ducky" and a strong odour of womens perfume. We got chatting to one another, and I found out his name was Julian.

He seemed like a pleasant chap, told me about his CD collection (Steps, Kylie and Right Said Fred mainly), his TV favourites (Will & Grace, So Graham Norton and Big Brothers Big Brother) and told me all about his extravagant catsuit collection.

Anyway, after much talking, I decided to be on my way and asked for my monthly pickup. I was a bit embarassed when Julian handed me them to me, 'Big Bottomed Men in with the Workplace' had somehow got placed into my pile by mistake. I explained the error to Julian, and with an olympic walkers manner he went into the back to check the order.

When he returned we cleared up the mishap and he asked me to take a sniff of his perfume as I had earlier asked what it was because it was my girlfriends birthday shortly and I was sure she would probably like it.

This is the puzzling bit, I must've suddenly blacked out as I have no memory of what then happened. All I remember is coming around to be greeted by Julian, with a big grin on his face, asking me "Do you want me to give you the name of the perfume then?", and I said "No, it makes me feel too snoozy, and for some unknown reason it doesn't half make my bottom hurt"

To this day I'm still embaressed about fainting suddenly like that, and I still get an odd twitch in the old sherrifs badge whenever I think of it?????
(Lt Columbo, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 0:52, Reply)

Similar story
Robs story reminds me of my own. I went out on the piss with my mates the night before I had to travel up to Wales from London to visit my Folks and sis. Had a right old laff. Woke up next day a bit rough and made it to the train.

Went to visit my sis first who lives 3 miles from my folks, had a chat and a few beers then left for the walk to my parents. Here's where it starts going wrong.. on the walk home I start getting a real sharp stabbing pain inside my bumhole, really starts hurting and I'm suddenly in agony walking all funny whilst pulling arse cheeks apart to releive pain and realising I desperatly need a dodgy shit. Get to my folks, say a quick hello tne rush to the bog for a poo.

OWWW... ARRGGGHH FUCKING OWWW NNNGGGG... WHAT THE OWWW.... look in the reddened bowl and see about 2 3rds of a COCKTAIL STICK poking out of my log!! To my recollection I had been nowhere near any cocktail sticks the night before.
(bionickev, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 0:43, Reply)

Cut and thrust
Picture the scene a rather inexperienced me and a rather more experienced lady, she is trying to break me in half. Im happily thrusting away when all of a sudden the resistance im getting lessens somewhat. At this point a pain so indescribable hits me. I have torn my foreskin. Ho hum off to casualty to get 7 stitches in the old fella. While there the doc tells me to consider circumcision. Tell hm that there is no way on gods earth I am letting a golf obsessed loony anywhere near my twig and giggle berries with a sharp implement.

Move forward a while and the opportunity presents itself with another young lady. Again will I ever learn this in turn results in another trip to casualty for yet more stitches.

Doctor again reccommends circumsion I again being a coward I chicken out.
Three times I have had a day for the operation but everytime I have bottled it. Problem is uni starts in a couple of months which means Ive either got to get it done for freshers week or go without for the rest of eternity.

D'oh the agony of choice.





Pop there goes my cherry wonder how many stitches this time.
(kickstandrich last had sex with your mum/sister/wife/daughter on, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 0:41, Reply)

When I was 10
I had eczema on my cock. Not nice, although I rubbed cream on it all the time, at that age I wasn't exactly aware of how fun this could be, so it was just a horribly embarrassing condition.

At paintballing too, age 12, I got shot in the bum. This resulted in a lovely bruise on my right arse cheek.

Oh, and the banjo string thing? Ouch, plus it bleeds like a bastard. Mind you, they can heal up enough for you to have a very rough shag and still escape injury free, so circumcision is not always necessary.

Other than that my naughty bits seem to have stayed intact.
(LickOutTheJamsMotherfuckers!, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 0:37, Reply)

Hmm, 3 come to mind.
1) Firstly, getting convinced to see if toothpaste gaves masturbation an even nicer feeling. It doesn't. First it feels cold, very cold. They it itches a litt,e and then it burns like hell when Satan doesn't have to worry about the heating bill so turns the thermostat up to ultra-heat. Even after a thorough cleaning it took nearly 45 minutes before I could do the deed. :(

2) If anyone has a playful cat, you'll know that it can be dangerous to move your feet too much when you're in bed, as the cat thinks that you're playing, and they don't hold back. Teeth and claws, combined with feet is not very pleasant. And so you can probably understand that teeth, claws, and an erect penis is pretty painful too.

I got him castrated a few weeks after though. That taught the bastard.

3) This is the most painful, and the most embarrassing of my three, without a doubt.

I was about 15. A virgin, and in the state of constant arousal. And I saw a "DIY vagina". Seriously. It was two peices of plastic that you put together and filled with water, and then put it in the freezer. It looked pretty tempting. And I tried to...*wink* *nudge*...you know.

Prolonged contact between ice and skin leads to them being fused together. So what's the worst thing to do? Try to just use force to pull it apart, ripping skin off my sex-tool.

Warm water finally detached the ice vagina from my penis, but it could never cleanse it from my memory. :(
(Darrage, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 0:24, Reply)

Myself and an ex.....
'Getting down to it'.. about ten minutes after the deed is actually done he turns on the lights and there's blood everywhere. Neither of us know what to do and although there is a nurse asleep in the next room, she's also my mother, so not a lot can be said to her without her realising that her daughter has sex.

A half hour long phonecall to NHS Direct later, we're in an ambulance. The paramedic sitting in the back with us finds the whole situation hilarious, especially the fact that my ex (on the advice of NHS Direct) has one of my t-shirts, full of ice, shoved down his jeans. We get out the ambulance at the hospital and various paramedics are having a fag break in the exact spot that we get out- they also find this quite amusing.

Bless them though, we only had to wait five minutes in a very busy A&E. Although we (I say we- I mean he, and me standing close by pissing myself laughing) then have to explain the situation to three people before a doctor finally tells us that he's snapped his banjo string, and it just has to be left alone now the bleeding has stopped and it'll heal itself.

A month and a half later, it happens again.

The best part of all of this is, I sent a text message to my best friend whilst in the aforementioned ambulance and she sends me a reply (which I still have, and am quoting word for word) saying 'You've just told me possibly the funniest thing ever, and I hope to God you're not joking'.
(who_cares_a_lot, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 0:11, Reply)

Revenge of the penis muncher...
...just this week I was attending a routine ambulance case and heard another crew on the radio being sent to "a man with a penis injury".
Being a nosy bastard I caught up with the other crew later and asked what had happened.
It seems their patient was receiving a blowjob from a 'working girl' and during said act he mentioned to her his current pubic crab infestation.
Apparently she chomped down on his todger in anger and left him with an intact, but rather damaged looking organ.
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 0:09, Reply)

I'm six years old.
I'm not very tall, so I'm on my tiptoes by the toilet, happily weeing away.

Because I'm not that tall, the old chap is resting on the rim of the bowl.

It's at this moment that the seat decides to obey gravity and shut at quite a velocity.

On top of said old chap.

That wasn't very pleasant.
(scoob666 Ain't Nuthin' Ta F' Wit, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 0:08, Reply)

YOU HAVE GOT TO BE JOKING
This QOTW is going to be so full of bollocks and urban myth it's not worth reading! Half the shit I've read before becoming so very, very bored, is total shit, made up shit.

If only you sad buggers would stay silent.

"If you've nothing good to say, say nothing" as my gran would say. If she wasn't dead.
( Dabooka_ has changed his name on, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 0:07, Reply)

Surprise Anal Penetration
This isn't my tale of woe; but a friends.

I wont pad it out, but basically he was at a bbq and didn't have anywhere to sit. So he picked up the back set of wheels from a broken tricycle, stood it up right and used that as a seat.

The weight of his body was too much for the wheel he was sat upon and it dropped downwards onto the wheel on the ground. Of course, this left my friend analy penetrated upon a rusty kids' tricycle axel.

His sister came outside to see what all the noise was to be greeted by the sight of him clinging to the washing line in pain.

He spent a few hours on a hospital bed with a doctor's finger up his arse.

He told me in confidence and of course I told everyone in school.

And now I'm telling even more people.

Nice one Richard!
( Regger, Thu 13 Jul 2006, 23:54, Reply)

Wedgie
Sure it's happened to most boys, but my younger brother was wedgied so hard at the age of eight by my cousin that his 'hole was bleeding. Mum wasn't too impressed, I can tell you.
(hakkety, Thu 13 Jul 2006, 23:51, Reply)

Motorway wasp frenzy.
when i was about 14 (10 year ago) i went on a camping holiday with my mate martin and his folks down to skegness for a week. we had been in the car about 45 minutes, not even outta scotland yet (leavin from Glasgow) and a wasp got dragged in the open passenger window, by the slipstream round the car, and then delivered it straight up martins crotch cos he was wearing shorts in the backseat. que martin screamin like a stuck pig while furiously punchin himsel in the groin to try and destroy the stinging little bastard.

i never saw the damage it, or he, inflicted, or wished to.

i chuckled all the way to skegness while martin repeatedly gave me a dead left arm, all the while massaging himself downstairs, for my lack of compusure and sympathy.
(Raol Duke, Thu 13 Jul 2006, 23:34, Reply)

Piercing and BoxerShort Hell
So about a year and a half a go, i decided it would be a marvelous idea to get my nutsack pierced. So after my date with a needle i felt all manly and belived it was high time to go out and hope for the possibility of getting to show off my new spoils of war. After getting suitably mashed on a £20'w worth of 99p doubles, i managed to pull a minger. A minger who was more than happy to be shown my new hole. What i didn't expect was when we got back to mine, for the button on my boxers to be caught on the ring now sitting proudly in my nutsack. My horniness, plus her eagerness to see the treasure, resulted in my boxers being dropped like a stone from my ample hips, taking with them my new piercing.

apologies for length and girth
( chef losing more hair on a daily basis since, Thu 13 Jul 2006, 23:27, Reply)

Berk
Where's stapleballs.co.uk gone?

Aaaah! I see. I remember going on that site whilst simultaneously holding onto my testicles and crying. Good times.
( Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Thu 13 Jul 2006, 23:25, Reply)

um, piercings
far too many of, all DIY.

oh, and removed my frenulum (which also bled, lots)
( Dr. Kitteny Berk almost certainly drunk, Thu 13 Jul 2006, 23:22, Reply)

Burnt my nuts while smoking a joint
www.b3ta.com/questions/drugs/post45677/
(lolwhites, Thu 13 Jul 2006, 23:21, Reply)

Not my pain
his.

On holiday I drew a cocknballs on my mate's bawsack.

I don't know why, but it was fucking hilarious.

It hurt him in a pen/sword/mightier fashion.
( The Lurker Plenty One, Thu 13 Jul 2006, 23:18, Reply)

Major pain
Well, apart from the obvious frenulum tearing (ouch ouch FUCKING OUCH STOP!! etc) my own particular favourite is when I was building the garden out of the back of my Mum's house. I'm bloody proud of that thing- patio, raised beds, decking, two dog kennels, walls, fences etc. All from scratch. Speaking of scratches, I backed onto a rather large splinter of wood whilst doing something (sawing, I believe) and I thought I had just poked the right buttock a bit. And I left it at that, for about three months or so. Three months later, I was in the shower and noticed that a blister on my arse hadn't gone down in an age. Same buttock. So, I do the blokey thing, and squeeze. Out comes a rather large splinter, followed by not a bit of blood. Yes, I had wood in my arse for three months and I didn't even know it. God help me if I should turn gay...
( jim_bob can herd cats., Thu 13 Jul 2006, 23:15, Reply)

Ow.
When I was about five, I was climbing about in a tree in my front yard (as you do), when I slipped. This tree had a fork in it, and I landed in the fork sideways, with a leg on either side, as if I were riding a pony.

I hit so hard I jammed myself in there and my father had to pull me out.

On the bright side, I hit hard enough that I didn't have to deal with a hymen once I hit puberty and discovered boys.
(Alliath, Thu 13 Jul 2006, 23:02, Reply)

Not me (thank god)...
... but someone I knew through juggling was once challenged by a friend as a bet that he couldn't climb a flagpole.

Never one to say no to a challenge, Del (for 'twas his name), promptly shinned up up the flagpole all the way to the top.

So far so good.

Coming back down the flagpole proved a little more tricky however due to the interaction of gravity, the cleat on said flagpole, and the scrotum on said man.

Cue scrotum being caught on the cleat and being ripped open.

Not sure which was worse, being told the story or shown the scar!
( JugglerJAF It's curtains for you.Lacy gently wafting curtains, Thu 13 Jul 2006, 22:56, Reply)

on a dare, my mate rob put IcyHot on his scrotum
this took place at uni; i wasn't there for the dare or the application of said IcyHot to said ballsack, but i did see him from within my dorm room, running down the hall full speed toward the bathroom, holding his pants at his knees, screaming like a wounded piglet. cue a minute later, the anguished scream "SOAP MAKES IT WORSE! SOAP MAKES IT FUCKING WORSE!"

our resident assistant made a "community activity" out of it and had everyone involved sign their names on an attendance slip. it's framed in his room now.
( AgentMuu hentai coordination, Thu 13 Jul 2006, 22:56, Reply)

bloody BMXs
a couple of years ago (i was 12/13ish)and me and a couple of friends were walking to another friends house when we saw an old BMX in a skip.
it was obviously there because it seemed to be made of razors and was lacking a saddle.
despite it being practically made of death we managed to lift it from the skip without too much hassle.
once we got it out no one dared ride it down the hill to our friends house. due to the fact that all my friends were scaredy shit wankers and i was not, i chose to ride it down the hill and, hopefully prove how great i was.
about half way down i hit a bump. nothing big, just enough to bruise my arse on the pipe where the saddle should have been. seeing how i wasnt going to make it all the way down without hurting myself i decided to stop.
but, as i slowed down, the front wheel stuck in a pot-hole and i fel, crotch first, into the bit the handle bars are joinded onto.
this would have been o.k if the afor mentiond bit wasn't a mangled peice of sharp metal.
i managed to hobble down to my friends house with my ball sack ripped open and the consfeeling that my balls were going to pop out. i fainted outside my friends house and all i can remember from then on is my friends mom saying,not very reasuringly, " i'm sure they'll be ably to save one of them at least"
i got to the hospital alright though and spent two weeks off school with giant bollocks.
Happy ending/ my friends told me afterwords that as they were putting me in the ambulance some tarmp kid ran of with the bmx, and they said that they had died.
( DR Mexico Hunt, Hunt, Hunt, He's The Huntsman!!, Thu 13 Jul 2006, 22:54, Reply)

Clap Clinic Shenanigans
First year at poly (as was), house party. Ended up in bedroom with young lady, picture the rest.....

Next day; ow ow ow my cock HURTS. Closer inspection reveals a white sore, about a half inch long, slightly oval in shape. Alarms ring.....

So off to the Uni quack who tells me to go to Whitechapel hospital clap clinic since everyone else uses Newham General. Nurse whips my cock out, takes a swab (ow!) and one down my japs eye (OWWW!!!), I get sent home to wait for results a few days later....

Results come back. No, it's not syphilis. It's a friction burn. Told to bathe cock in salt water, so I used housemate's tooth mug. Sorry Paul.

Hurt my bits like bloody murder so it counts, alright?
( Fathter Puddytat Kill Kill dat widdle boid is mine on, Thu 13 Jul 2006, 22:52, Reply)