holiday shenanigans
My friends and I went on a camping holiday to Newquay this summer.
After having been sat completely stationary, drinking heavily and only moving for the most extreme of bowel movements, we began to notice many a holiday hooded sweater with the camper's name written on the back.
Now, we'd all been assigned special camper nicknames especially for the said trip, however upon arrival at the sweater printing shop, we all chickened out of using these 'special' names, and instead simply went with our own names/nicknames.
Apart from one friend. When asked the question
"What name would you like on your sweater?" My friend, without so much as a breath or blinking of the eye replied with:
"Flange-basket." Needless to say the guy was pretty stunned.
That was the best damn hoodie i've ever seen.
Even better was the sheer delight of witnessing offended mothers having to explain what exactly a 'flange-basket' may be to inquisitive 7 year olds.
Another of the nicknames was 'Butternut Bum-Love' which seems to have entered into our general vocabulary now as well.
(cdotstrife, Tue 9 Oct 2007, 0:33, Reply)

oh-just remembered this gem
You haven't got the ovaries, Bitch.
(running away- mad cow.) 8O
( hplasm, Tue 9 Oct 2007, 0:28, Reply)

Pancake stack
I used to work in a hotel kitchen, assembling the complementary breakfast. Of course you know that if something is free, you really get what you pay for: watered-down orange juice, shit coffee, sour milk, hard biscuits, et cetera. It's free! Most of the guests came to accept that, dining on the pre-packaged muffins when they were not too stale, but mostly going across the street for a REAL breakfast. This one guy, though. This incredibly fat man used to come by every morning, eating anything in sight, and had a new complaint every day. Sometimes he wanted steak and eggs and other times he would complain because the coffee creamer was "cream-flavored," and not vanilla or hazlenut. I dealt with it the best I could, telling him rather crossly that I don't supply the damn food, I just set it out, and if he wanted a real breakfast he could go across the street and pay for it.

One day the breakfast room was unusually crowded. In walks Fat Man. "Hey!" he snarls. "How come you don't serve pancakes? I want pancakes!!" It was the last straw for me, as I'd heard his complaints everyday for the last few months (I think he lived at the hotel or something). I opened my mouth to deliver some sort of insult but a patron of the hotel beat me to it and delivered this beautiful nugget of comic gold:

"You don't need pancakes, man!" the stranger piped up from a nearby table. "You've got a whole stack of them growing out from the back of your neck!"

Fat Man fled the scene, embarrassed, neck fat flapping as he made his exit. Wonderful.
(BrainSurgerysFun, Tue 9 Oct 2007, 0:16, Reply)

She's got...
a face like a bag of spanners.
(UXB you said it man. Nobody fucks with the Jesus, Tue 9 Oct 2007, 0:00, Reply)

Barcelona shirt
Ten of us went on holiday for a week to Spain a few months back just to get rid of all the post-exams stress. One of the guys on the holiday was quite fat and would sometimes walk around with his shirt off exposing some pretty disgusting sights.
Anyway, at some point he pissed me off in some way and I said "You've got so many stretch marks over your body you look like your wearing a fucking Barcelona shirt." I felt quite bad about it at the time though because every time we went out and saw one of those shops for tourists selling fake football shirts someone would always point out the Barcelona shirts.
(suckout, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 23:34, Reply)

my brother
was walking to work in manchester the other day. walking a little way ahead of him was a random stranger in a suit.

coming towards them was an officious looking traffic warden. as he approached them, the stranger leaned right into his face and bellowed:

"CUNT!!!!!!!"

then carried on walking as if nothing had happened. the traffic warden stopped dead, too stunned even to wipe the spittle from his face.

i would have paid very good money to witness this myself.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 23:15, Reply)

Father Ted
Or rather a Father Jack-ism

"Gobshite"

That is all.
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 23:05, Reply)

To be fair I probably have far too many insults to mention..
I will however give it a go of listing soem of them;

"you sir are as funny as the holocaust"

"DFS" which is a description of a lady of the large persuasion, obviously cos she's the size of a sofa.... wonderfully combined with being shouted at full volume "just 4 9 9!" as if appearing on the advert for the company of the same name.

"pavement whale" which is a description of a rather large lady and her to rotound chilren that take up the whole space on the pavement in the same place every day that i walk to work, thus forcing me to risk death by walking on the road...

"Cumberlands" description of my friends fingers when playing on an itbox, since no matter where he presses the screen he will always press a different answer!

"sweating like its half past three" what I told a friend he looked like on a hot day.... a little variant on the sweating like a paedophile insult.
(The_Ambassador You are spoiling us!!, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 22:56, Reply)

In the warehouse...
Where I work insults are shouted at each other quite frequently, more for something to do rather than anything else. They tend to just be various words strung together in an attempt to sound offensive, only today I was called a 'panda raping toaster', to which my reply was 'Well, your a wang flavoured, cork-screw eating dishwasher salesman...with no legs." We do get some funny looks in out warehouse.
(OzEden is probably clinically insane, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 22:27, Reply)

Emo
In my previous job some of the people I used to work with were quite into metal. I also listen to alternative music but since it wasnt the straight-up heavy metal they preferred I was taunted for apparently being "emo". One day I was getting fed up of this so I replied to the one of them "Your mum is emo". He laughed at my poor response and sarcastically agreed that she was when I said "Yeah I heard she cuts herself because her son is a total failure." I was left alone after that.
(suckout, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 22:18, Reply)

Howlin Willie Cunt
His Country & Western CD "World of Filth" contains the amusing sing-along "I'd rather have a Dick in my Ass than have you in my heart" (Along with such famiily faves as "Your Heart belongs to Jesus (but your ass belongs to me)) - Ive never used it but I bet it'd be a rather good put down to an ex.
(kitescreech still here, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 22:16, Reply)

Another one from school..
Once, a guy in class was talking about something brilliant he once did.
Guy #2 pipes in with the "And then you woke up"

Guy #1 responds, without missing a beat...
"Yeah, because your mother was blowing me in my sleep!"
(Lil' Alan, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 21:53, Reply)

Kids...!
Another 80's favourite was to call your mate "a Jewish Wanker" or the more economic, "Arab" (pronounced A-Rab).
( Ultimate Cakes & Sweets Why,what are you planning to do - photosynthesize?, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 21:45, Reply)

As I'm lazier than a rapist in a charm school class...
.. I may be repeating this one, heard from some Saffas:

"You were born out your mother's ass as her pussy was busy at the time."

Also one used by me in a bar on a loud mouthed public school wanker who was insulting some poor random:

"Didn't Daddy teach you any respect whilst he was fucking you up the ass?"

He shut up.
(noodledoodle really shouldn't share his humour, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 21:39, Reply)

Perfect retort to a shitty Joke
My friend adam had the perfect insukt to one of my terrible innappropriate unfunny jokes... "you know what pete, youre about as funny as syphillus"

My personal favourite when a sweary argument isnt going your way is to shout "and sos yer FACE" exceedingly loudly

Or for the more PC amoung us rather than your mum we can always have "yea your parent and/or gaurdian" just incase you offend them too much.....

Wap wap wap
(Frodo, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 21:33, Reply)

Hill heads!
I had almost forgotten this one...

I had a girlfriend who lived on the other side of town from me, and we used to talk a lot by cell phone as she was driving home from work. She happened to be a bit impatient while driving, so sometimes the conversation would be punctuated with a flow of invective.

One evening during such a discussion she was passing through an area where the signal isn't very strong, so her words were getting occasionally garbled. She abruptly started swearing at the driver in front of her, finishing with something that sounded like "hill head".

I thought about this for a moment, then asked, "Okay, so what's a hill head?"

A pause, then "What?!?"

"You called them a hill head. I know what a block head is, and I know what a slope head is, but I've never heard of a hill head."

"No, I called them a dough head!"

I started laughing. "I think I like hill head better. Maybe a hill head is a brainless form of yuppie? Or maybe one of those church ladies with the big hair?, Ya know, the higher the hair the closer to God."

So there ya have it, folks. A hill head is basically a slope head with money. And overprocessed hair to hide their lack of frontal lobe development.

EDIT: Come to think of it, that was also the conversation that gave us "programmable cheese". Strange things happen when you have poor signal on a cell phone...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Mon 8 Oct 2007, 21:17, Reply)

Taking the 's' off of a plural can be great...
as in, "Ethan you knacker!" or, "You complete and utter bollock!"
( the_rhyme_minister has a little bit of gold and a pager, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 21:15, Reply)

My favourite insult is, and forever will be..
.."Are you some sort of cunt?"

Breaks the silence well in a room full of AS-Level students.

Oopthy.
( The Gentleman Bastard waxing lyrical. ©, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 20:02, Reply)

pace 'Swipe and co.
Germaine Greer, on the radio this evening:
"You're not a genius, you're just a lawyer."
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 19:54, Reply)

mirrors
the best ones happen on the fly, many years ago went to laserium at the london planetarium ( madam tussaud`s) guy sitting behind was trying to impress his G/f and spouting crap loudly about how it all worked ( he hadn`t a clue) I said a few words as I`d paid my money too, and got "I`ve seen some fuckwits in my time....."
"well mate if you will have mirrors in your house it`s inevitable" she started laughing. that pissed on his bonfire.
(tootired Is searching for a funny sig, nothing good so far, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 18:52, Reply)

aesthetics discussed over beer.
I have had beer out of the nostrils from two friends comments about ladies who might have been lovely people if you hadn`t been put off by the aesthetic aspect.

"Ah they say beauty is only skin deep, but there you see that ugly cuts right to the bone"

on an older lady " she`s no oil painting, in fact she looks more like an etching"

my own overloud substandard contribution on another occasion " christ, do they do beer goggles that strong?"

in the intrests of some balance a girl friend got groped in a crush in a pub , and having shrieked her girly mate said "what was it" at full volume: " it felt like a penis only much, much smaller".
(tootired Is searching for a funny sig, nothing good so far, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 18:38, Reply)

We were in a pub
and had had a few beers, in high spirits and generally enjoying the evening.
We had been eyeing up a few girls and fancied our chances with a couple of girls that had been looking over earlier.
After a few minutes one of them started walking towards us on the way to the bar.
As she passes my mate said "suck my cock, it stinks".
The line was delivered so sincerely and without hesitiation that I don't think she had time to react.
We never pulled that night either!
(the noggin causes laxative effects, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 18:36, Reply)

Win a argument?
Gloat buy pointing and saying 'Nyah you can lick my piles dogface!'
(Menlui laughing maniacally, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 17:59, Reply)

Monkies
You flying barrel of monkey spunk!
(Menlui laughing maniacally, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 17:54, Reply)

Wahey!
Just remembered mate of mine had a unique style of insulting people which always cracks me up.

'You fat fucking skinny bastard!'
'You smart-arse cocky idiot!'

And so on and so forth...... wot a leg end.
(Menlui laughing maniacally, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 17:53, Reply)

Spunker par example...
One of my best friends over the years has aquired all of the below insults/nicknames. This is for absolutely no reason in particular and to be honest am not particularly sure how it even started... Well, she is ever so slightly promiscuous but I think you'll guess that...

Spunker
Spunk Wagon
Spunk Dolphin (a particular favourite of mine, due to it having no actual meaning or reference to anything)
Spoon Rag (Again, eh?)
Spunk Bucket (Self explanatory I would hope...)

All of which she will answer to as if nothing bizarre has been said at all.

Not strictly an insult, well, not in her eyes anyway...
(Arthur is really a girl, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 17:34, Reply)

oh dear... i think i might just have upset a colleague at work :)
she came up to talk to the it bod who sits next to me about something she'd been (apparently) trying to do all day.

she then announces to all of us that 'he could have done in five minutes what's been taking me all day!'

i asked 'is that because you're thick?'
(blades is looking for a brain, any brain, at, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 17:14, Reply)

from the parole officer
on a fresh young man being sent to prison.

"By the time there done with you, you'll end up with an arse like a clowns pocket"
(never-right -getting it wrong since '78, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 17:02, Reply)

All hail the viz Profanisaus Rex
BOBFOC - Body off baywatch, face off crime watch
( evilamnesiac says fuck you Prince, Mon 8 Oct 2007, 17:00, Reply)