Christmas decorations and all that bollocks
My girlfriend’s dad has just bought their Christmas tree and she's seriously not impressed. The reason being it's only 4 feet tall and really does look like a midget’s tree.

Now this made me think, is the size of a Christmas tree the man buys some kind of penis extension, much like buying a flash sports car? So is her dad trying to say that he actually has a very large penis and has no need for a proper sized tree?

In another fail decorations related story, my parents used to put up Christmas decorations every year with the worst drawing pins known to man! The spike used to shoot back through the top skewering their thumb like some kind of miniature whale harpoon. God knows why they didn't buy better ones.

So, let’s hear your stories of festive decoration disaster
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 13:55, 43 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

My sister got measured for a bra yesterday and is now a double J.
The woman came out of the cubicle and put one of the cups on her head like a hat.

And I thought Jesus Christ, in the genetic sweepstake that could have been me.

What physical characteristics do your siblings have that your glad you haven't been born with.
( girlinthehole, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 13:18, 87 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

More QoTW BS
some tit claims to have shagged Brazilian model (yawn): www.b3ta.com/questions/chattingup/post590855#answers-post-590900
(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 13:10, 18 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

moar griddles
Right, all your griddle talk made me get mine out, as they say. I mixed the leftover mashed potatoes with enough plain flour to make a non-sicky dough then flattened it into wee rounds and cooked it on a dry griddle. Result: Norn Iron's best food EVAR - potato bread. Eat hot with loads of butter and maybe a nice sharp cheddar. It has the smell of home (warm potatoes rather than tractors and fertiliser bombs).

Question: have you ever been in an ambulance? (I had my first trip in one last Thursday at 2am.)
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 11:49, 95 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

HAHAHAHAHAHA
In response to Lord Scropes post below, and particularly the responses near the end I think this is an appropriate addition to my favourite picture.


(Bazongaloid, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 10:15, 78 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Wikipedia
“As a professional scientist, Wikipedia is my go-to source for ideas and concepts new to me. Donate for this? You bet!”
Donor: William Knecht
Date: December 10, 2009
Amount: USD 50.00

This is how Wikipedia are trying to get you to donate money, by using this stupid twats quote. Well then William Knecht, as a professional scientist you should really know that wikipedia is a totally unreliable source of information for anything important, if you don't understand a concept, find one of your professional scientist colleagues to explain it to you and reference some peer reviewed sources.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 9:53, 15 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Morning shitbags
people are decorating their little bits of the office for christmas. apparently there is some best decorated desk competition.

Fuck that shit. I enjoy christmas, don't mind the consumerism too much, but I object, at any time of the year, to buying pointless over-priced tat, and christmas decorations fall firmly within that category.

At home we have a tree, with some tasteful decorations, a couple of other bits, and a couple of strings of lights (which we use anyway, most of the year)

How is your place decorated? This being b3ta I imagine it's either a)not at all or b)the lights and shiny things are so loaded up as to be blasting a signal visible from halfway across the galaxy.

edit: also, I'm trying to find a multi way power supply adaptor thing. you know what I mean, 4 to 8 sockets, with a plug on a cable.

what the hell are they actually called? I can't find them when I search for any of the ideas I've had...
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 9:09, 65 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Obviously this is way better than any other website...
...are there issues with going to Pakistan at the mo? Will I die?
(feedingtimeatthezoo day 1 of his bikini diet started, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 7:57, 9 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Morning freaks.
I dunno about you but I'm pretty happy today - got my finals results today and did pretty well!

what's cheering you up today? or not, as it were.
(Poppet some assembly required., Mon 14 Dec 2009, 7:24, 12 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I'm a bigot
I've been trying to make friends with people on my course, nothing bigoted about that. Two of them seem quite cool, don't take themselves too seriously in short, aren't bellends.

We've been getting on quite well until the other night - we all went out for a drink and after a few beers the conversation turned to the origins of life and our place in the universe.

Both of them believe in God.

From the moment the told me I knew I couldn't be friends with them, I just can't take them seriously as people, in my mind they might as well be medieval peasants. I am a bigot, I cannot accept anyone whose brain would reach the conclusions their brains have met.

talk amongst yourselves.
(Richard Earl of Cambridge Cruel, Savage, Sun 13 Dec 2009, 20:13, 46 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Christmassy moral dilemma
Normally I do not go overboard but ensure that immediate family are catered for in the Christmas present stakes. This year, however, owing to getting married, and an uncharacteristic (for me) credit card debt from last year, I suggested a pact with my family this year of only buying for each other's kids and not my Dad / siblings. I suggested this also because my brother's girlfriend isn't working just now and they have an overpriced rent and the demands of his ex girlfriend (and mother of his child's) general fuckwittery to contend with. And my sister had a hip replacement recently and is also not working at the moment, so things are a bit tight there. My Dad, also, is not in the rudest of health finance wise and didn't manage to get anyone anything last year.

So I discussed this with the family and they all agreed. Except I went to do the Santa run last night, and was given presents by my Dad, for me, the missus, and Sweary Junior.

Should I feel compromised by this, and get him something in return, or shrug it off and think, "Well, we agreed not to buy for each other weeks ago".

I had invited him down for Christmas dinner which he accepted initially and then decided he'd rather spend Christmas day on his own as "he needs to get used to being on his own" (him and his money thieving waste of space wife seperated earlier this year). So I feel a bit crappy about him being on his own this year anyway.

Your pixellated advice please. Or you could just tell al what a cocksucking, bullying cunt he is. He'd like that.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Sun 13 Dec 2009, 20:09, 17 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Bloggity Blog Blog
I'm still working on it, but I've gone and designed myself a blog of my very own, to cataloge my cooking stuff and my design stuff.

Have a link to my first post =D
blog.90nz0.com/2009/12/13/asian-salmon-with-asparagus/

And my second post !
blog.90nz0.com/2009/12/13/steak-sandwich/
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sun 13 Dec 2009, 12:14, 12 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Should be on links?
Perhaps. But this is much more appropriate here.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Sun 13 Dec 2009, 10:31, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Home Sweet Home!

Will the real Blaireau69 please stand up?
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Sun 13 Dec 2009, 7:46, 11 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Suggestions for a new haircut?
For the past few months I've been wrestling with the idea of getting a new haircut/hair style but I cannot for the life of me work out what I want and when I ask my mates all I get back are stupid answers or 'why don't you just keep it the way it is' comments.

Anyway, I'm almost at the stage of asking people on the street what I should do but I reckon that'll just end up with me being sectioned, so I figured I'd ask here instead.


Oh, a couple of ground-rules:

1 - I'm a guy, so men's hairstyles only please.
2 - Something low maintenance would be preferable - I don't do mornings all that well, so if I can avoid having to spend ages styling/gelling/doing whatever, that would be nice.
3 - No stupid suggestions please - no ridiculous colours, no shaving swear words into the side of my hair or anything like that.


Otherwise, thanks for any suggestions/ideas.
(Pope Jamiroquai III, Sun 13 Dec 2009, 2:25, 21 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I just bought a griddle pan
and it's due for delivery Wednesday!

Gonz, please post more recipes!
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Sun 13 Dec 2009, 1:03, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Bugger
I appear to have developed some sort of funky nickname curse. I hail from Swindon, but go to uni at Chester. My friends at uni refer to me as "The Southern One", and my friends in Swindon refer to me as the Northener (the reasoning being, it's north of the Watford gap, therefore it's Northern). This annoys me and my bastard hybrid accent for reasons unknown.

What nicknames have you received or given lately that are mildly inappropriate, OT?
(Ghost Atreides enjoying incontestable health benefits on, Sat 12 Dec 2009, 20:12, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

GRIDDLE PAN THREAD TIMES !
I'm going to get myself a fillet steak, some 'bake at home' ciabatta, and griddle-pan the steak with a creamy/oniony/mustardy sauce. I might do home made chips with that too, or I might do potato wedges with some spices.

Man, griddle pans are literally the best thing in the world ever.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sat 12 Dec 2009, 14:44, 16 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

hi, anyone ITy around for some help please?
I know people get grouchy about this sort of thing but I have an Acer netbook and it will not open XP in any mode, have tried safe mode, safe with networking, command prompt, last known good and normal and it just tries to load xp, bums out, flashes a blue screen and returns to black screen with
"We apologize for the inconvenience, but windows did not strt successfully A recent hardware or software change might have caused this blah blah blah"
(Halfy By light alone, Sat 12 Dec 2009, 10:29, 21 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

*sings*.....
.... "I LOVE B3TA,
BEST OF ALL THE INTERMEWEBS!"
You iz all full of lully win and I heart xmas parties but not as much as I heart you fab folks, better than beer & chips & gravy all put together innit :)

Are you STILL UP?

What's keeping you awake, apart from insomnia?

p.s. I motorboated a norktastic colleague tonight - all thanks to b3ta for introducing me to such finer things in life! I are pissssssssssssed :o/ Night night.

*festive snogs all round*
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Sat 12 Dec 2009, 1:44, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

So after a note in an earlier thread
I watched "Bring It On". It was a slightly weird experience as it included every teen-comedy-parody cliche, except for real played entirely seriously.

So, what films have you watched recently?
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 23:15, 15 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

so I was gazzed to tell you more of this
www.b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post584565

do you still want to know? It's really not that interesting
( no longer a user, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 19:31, 147 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Off for a bit of a drive.
A few weeks ago my mom had one of her knees replaced, and spent the Thanksgiving holiday in the recovery home. The surgery went perfectly, and she's making an excellent recovery- but still, she's laid up just a bit.

On Dec. 3 she turned 80. Unfortunately there was a pretty harsh storm that blew in last weekend, so I couldn't make it up there to visit- in fact, she called me and made me promise that I wouldn't be so stupid as to drive up there through the storm.

I did indeed promise. But I said nothing about THIS weekend.

One of the Three Furies actually had a brilliant idea for what to do for Mom as a present. All of us have taken out home made dinners and frozen portions of them, so Mom can have home cooked meals while she's laid up. (Dad's completely useless in the kitchen.) So I have a cooler with frozen blocks of gumbo, puerco pibil, soup, spaghetti sauce (hopefully Dad can at least boil noodles) and some chicken and dumplings.

So now I'll be driving through a completely different snowstorm to Rochester NY to deliver the stuff. (One of the few benefits of being unemployed- I have time enough to do this sort of thing.)

I'll throw a snowball at something in your honor, b3ta.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 11 Dec 2009, 18:25, 12 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

A b3ta dirty/erotic poetry competition
I am revising for exams, so (obviously) I have written some dirty limericks, for to share with all of you. That's right, literally ALL of you. Even you.

There once was a girl of Dunoon
Who had the most cavernous poon.
When a suitor fell in
She fetched tins and some string
And she talks to him each afternoon.

There was a young man who would drink
A pot of black Indian ink
He said "it's remiss
But now when I piss
I can write my full name on the sink".

There was a strange girl of Duntocher
Who could only get off with a poker
When asked "is it sore?"
She said "not any more,
Since I hired a high-quality stoker".

There was a young man of Algiers
Who hadn't reached climax for years.
His first girlfriend said
"I just gave him head
And it shot out my nose and my ears!"

There was a young lady of Spain
Whose tightness was cause of her fame
When a man tried to rape her
He turned white as paper
She'd snipped off his cock as he came.

There was a young man of Dumbarton
Who ate cabbage and beans by the carton
When told he was whiffy
He said, with a stiffy
"I get sexual pleasure from fartin'".

Do you have any more? I know that's not how you pronounce Algiers, by the way.
(StapMyVitals wouldn't mind a bit of that, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 17:02, 28 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

calling raymond 'three griddles' luxury yacht
come back mate, no one was really laying into you and you were given some pretty sound advice (amidst the pisstakery)- no need to vanish.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 15:59, 102 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

The Yuletide is coming, my arse is getting fat, I hate fookin Christmas, & Santa is a twat . The credit crunch is is on, and times are really hard, so you can consider this b3ta post, your fucking Christmas card.
1 more week at work and it's time for the Christmas holidays. Now I'm looking forward to the 2 weeks off but couldn't actually give a shit that it's Christmas.

Tell us your bah humbug stories (if you don't want to then bah humbug to you!)
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 14:53, 93 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Wow.
A robin had just flown into my office - perched on top of a monitor, had a little tweet and departed through the window. How festive is that?

Seen/heard anything that made you feel like the world is a beautiful place?
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 14:41, 41 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Noms
I've just dug all the meat from out of a lobster for a salad. It better be worth the fucking effort.

It didn't help the fact that the only thing I had to crack the claws was a rolling-pin
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 14:38, 24 replies, latest was 16 years ago)