I'm so bored I'm thinking of fulfilling my own sig...
...and having a wank in work. Anyone else ever done this?

Ctrl-Shift-Alt-Q: What's the weirdest place you've had a moment of self-lovin'?
(R. Jimlad twitter.com/sirmarkymark, Wed 22 Sep 2010, 16:13, 50 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Anyone free on Sunday in London?
Preferably male and wouldn't mind looking menacing?

I picked up my new bike yesterday afternoon and had the old one knicked on the Pento road in the evening. FUCKING CUNTBAG MOTHERFUCKERS.

I'm off to Brick Lane Market on Sunday with a D-Lock and a crowbar.

Alt. Q.
What fills you with unbridled happiness? Someone make me feel better.

Edit, sorry LiC.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Wed 22 Sep 2010, 15:02, 95 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Pretty teeth scrapy clean with a wind-up machine
I've just got out of the dental hygienist after the usual torture of picks, scrapers, buffers and some mild blood/saliva waterboarding. I'm not personally that bothered by dentists, though - I've been told that with even rudimentary care I'll keep these teeth my whole life.

How're your teeth? Any dental horror stories to wig out the phobic?

No altQ for you.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 22 Sep 2010, 15:00, 12 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Right, as no other fucker is going to do it!
What do people on here work as? Maybe we should get some kind of group thing together with appointed experts?

Alt Q: (For a change)
What did you have for breakfast?
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 22 Sep 2010, 14:20, 161 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Bono.
Is he a cunt?

Alt Q: Was Dusty Springfield the best UK female vocalist ever?
Alt A: Yes.

Oops sorry poppet.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Wed 22 Sep 2010, 13:08, 14 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Okay, so being suitably alarmed by the image in TGB's profile,
having been directed that way by Noel, I can safely say that is the weirdest thing I've seen in a while.

What weird things have you seen and no, I'm not talking about body parts. Although you can if you want to.

um, Alt q: if you could could be a character from a tv show, who would it be and why?
(Poppet some assembly required., Wed 22 Sep 2010, 12:55, 87 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

*Sits down in leather recliner chair, pulls glasses down to tip of nose, looks at you and speaks with a german accent*, white hair showing wisdom rather than age, with a sage and compasionate like compsure *
Are you sitting comfotably? Great. So, tell me about your relationship with your parents. What is your strongest memory in regards to them. Would you say you had a happy childhood?


* that I won't try to recreate in text form
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 22 Sep 2010, 11:29, 113 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Time for a new thread
mainly because I want to post this for Bobbychomp (and other men)'s benefits
my-ear-trumpet.tumblr.com/

check out the redhead. mmmm.

alt q:too early to talk about lunch?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 22 Sep 2010, 11:27, 42 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

If you could only have sex or cuddles for the rest of your life, not both.
Which one would you choose?
( girlinthehole, Wed 22 Sep 2010, 10:22, 211 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

A postscript to my whinging from yesterday
You may remember my emo-like moaning here

www.b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post872681

regarding my work colleagues failure to recognise my 40th birthday yesterday.

Turns out that they all DID know about it. And most of them were there at my regular Tuesday night visit to the pub quiz, which for the night had been converted into a pub quiz / surprise 40th birthday party.

My partner managed to contact a work mate of mine through Facebook and organise the whole thing without me getting wise to what was going on.

Maybe they're not such a useless shower of bastards after all. :-D
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 22 Sep 2010, 10:03, 53 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Good morning, peasants.
Tell me why I shouldn't have the lot of you flogged for insolence.

Alt Q: Is ill-mannered antagonist Dawkins right when he posits the idea that altruism is really only borne of genetically inherent self-interest?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 22 Sep 2010, 8:32, 198 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

11 days over and finally she is in labour - YAY
well, suppose this is the beginning of something quite profound for us :)

as I need a question - the commonwealth games "stars" who are pulling out of the games, I think they should repay the funding they have received as they are paid for events like this. Bunch of primadonnas. What you reckon?

alt q - i was chatting to my common-law nephew yesterday. he is 16. he was telling me that he drinks vodka in parks with his mates and they go through a bottle a night, along with 8 cans of stella. Obviously this is bullshit, though I thought I was hard with a can or two at this age. Am I just getting old? Are you still in touch with the "youth"?
( zulu eh?, Wed 22 Sep 2010, 6:04, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

More like FUCK OFF, CHRISTMAS.
(sorry Kristine).

Christmas starts in bloody December and that's it.

More importantly it's my birthday next week (my real one). (I was going to calendar it, but I don't know any of you lovely folk well enough...and those that I do know, I fear. Maybe next year.) The one present I know I'm getting?

A Big Bag Of Crabs, straight from weebl. I'm so proud of my girlfriend.




Hee hee. My girlfriend's giving me crabs.

Alt Q: Vent your moral outrage about seeing a picture of Santa or something this early in the year.
(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Tue 21 Sep 2010, 21:49, 162 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

NON CIDER-RELATED THREAD THIS WAY
And there ain't no clowns neither, I don't got no love for them hos.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 21 Sep 2010, 21:33, 26 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Evening thread anyone?
This evening, I'm going to watch the telly, have a glass of wine and cook some chicken.

What are you doing with your evening?

Alt q: What scared you most as a child?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 21 Sep 2010, 19:41, 121 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

FUCK YEAH, CHRISTMAS!!
I totally know what I want!!

What do YOU want??

Alt q: Is it really the thought that counts?
( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 21 Sep 2010, 16:42, 115 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

The art of selling out.
I am considering purchasing a portable music playing device and wondering whether I should succumb to the pressure and become an Icunt or if there were a better, more heterosexual option? I have heard good things about Creative in the past?
What mp3 players do you lot use?

Alt q: How long have Alt Q's been all the rage?
(TheColonel, Tue 21 Sep 2010, 15:54, 147 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Office pranks, capers etc
I have just been told off for texting in the office and am feeling a little vengeful. Next week is my last week so I think some sort of prank is in order. Ideas, tips, suggestions please? MY BOSS IS A WOMAN.

Alt Q: Worst day at work ever? can't be mum died, can be pen to the eye or toilet paper sticking out the back of your trousers etc.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 21 Sep 2010, 14:59, 115 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

If you didn't procrastinate so much, what do you think you'd have achieved by now?
In terms of life, education and sexytimes?

Alt Q: what warning sign would be attached to you when drunk?
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Tue 21 Sep 2010, 13:36, 182 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

I've just been asked to guest DJ at the local "alternative" club's student-y night
So my question is; what are the kids listening to nowadays? I want to do a decent job but am also keen to be reasonably drunk whilst doing it. And I really don't want to have to do any research. Some of you are young. Help please
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 21 Sep 2010, 13:35, 141 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

I'm hungry, what's everyone doing for lunch?
Alt Q: What are you good at? sports, singing etc?
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 21 Sep 2010, 12:25, 160 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Happy birthday to me
OK, so it’s my 40th birthday today, and none of the miserable shower of bastards who I share an office with appear to have remembered.

Should I still go and buy them all cakes at lunchtime anyway or just sit like a huffy bastard all day?

On the plus side, my wonderful girlfriend has spoilt me rotten, buying me a new laptop, case and external hard drive. I’ve also been promised ‘other presents’ when I get home tonight. Oh lordy....
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 21 Sep 2010, 10:54, 99 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

"One lady owner."
...so the clutch is fucked then?

How's everybody's car doing today?
(The Oscillating Gibbon is eating curried squid, Tue 21 Sep 2010, 10:22, 95 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

A spectacularly good morning to all you sexy bastards
Yesterday I was told that I'd been successful in interviewing for an internal vacancy, which means Ms Foxtrot and I can make all kinds of plans involving financial security, starting with two weeks in Vietnam in November. Much more excitingly, my fabulous vegetarian girlfriend bought me a meat pizza, meatball calzone and a huge bottle of Peroni (which is only a P-E-P away from being more meat) to celebrate. As a result I am inordinately chirpy.

What's put you in an offensively good mood of late?

Alt Q - I had a dream about, amongst other things, Monty last night, which is amazing because I have no idea what Monty looks like, but in my dream there was no doubt that the chap in question was Monty. Any perplexing dreams to report?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 21 Sep 2010, 10:05, 52 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

A very good morning to you all.
My question is this: if you could spend an hour in conversation with any deceased person, who would it be - and what would you talk about?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 21 Sep 2010, 8:26, 192 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Time for an evening thread
to distract me from my evening work

q. What invention would you invent if you were an inventor?
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 20 Sep 2010, 18:50, 115 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Oh, well
For the 5 min I'm going to be here, can we talk about happy things?

I got an email from my boss congratulating me for my good job and the great commendations I'm getting from the client.

Yesterday, we went to Brighton and got to buy our wedding rings for 1/4 of the price that was asked for the same rings in Manchester, and 1/2 or our budget.

And I'm on holidays on Wednesday, going to Navarra, to my father's village (I haven't been there in ages) for the fiesta (similar to Sanfermines, but little); and Mark's parents are coming and meeting my family. I'm so looking forward to it!

Why are you happy, happy today?

Alt Q.: What are you expecting to happen soon that's going to make you happy, happy?
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Mon 20 Sep 2010, 15:43, 234 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

the best of british
www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/8012357/Man-set-to-have-tenth-child-by-ten-different-women.html

not sure where to start with these plebs really. Is it too late to throw 'em down the mines and then concrete over the entrance?
( zulu eh?, Mon 20 Sep 2010, 14:15, 48 replies, latest was 15 years ago)