I just saw the tsunami videos and reports
Aside from jokes about the water being a bit Nippy, what will be the consequences of this disaster?

Alt Q - There's a colossal whirpool; it's dramatic, awesome and terrifying; the washing machine at home does not conjour up this image. What else in the house is named inappropriately?
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Fri 11 Mar 2011, 9:22, 146 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Well, the weekend is nearly here.
What are we all doing?

I'm going to stay in and watch Tokyo Gore Police tonight, clean my house tomorrow and then stay over at my Aryan superchild's. Sunday my sister is coming up and we are going either to London Zoo or the Aquarium. This will be the second time my sister and daughter will have met, and the first without 'supervision' so I'm really excited.

Of course what we should really do is take her to the stairwell of a horrfic sink estate to play in the bulldog shit and broken glass following some crackpot notion of social equality, but hey ho.

Alt: who's your favourite relative and why? They don't have to be still alive.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 8:17, 90 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

The other one was a bit unwieldy.
So discussion here perhaps.
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 22:37, 130 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Anyone around?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 20:54, 186 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Yeh', so, anyway.
Totally just made a pasta sauce by getting everything vaigley related to a tomarto sauce in a pan, it's alright, there are herbs and wine and shit.

It's a bit crap to tell you the truth, but it'll do as a base for pizza or pasta bakes or for very quick dinners over the next 5 days or soo.

And, erm, stuff, innit.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 18:01, 71 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Hey guys, got my first stand-up set tonight. Here's my routine. Please tell me your thoughts.
Awooga. What a rush. Right. Yeah, I got my notes here just in case I completely forget what I'm fucking saying. So, how are we all? Are we all good? Excellent, excellent.

Right, like, I was sort of rehearsing earlier. It is an absolute fucking pleasure to be here in despite the fact that my heart is currently going nineteen to a dozen and I feel like I'm about to take my driving test. Which I failed three times in a row. However, I- the last time I maintain it wasn't my fault.

I like to maintain- thanks there- I like to maintain- God, that's fucking distracting.

I like to maintain that it wasn't actually my fault. It was actually the fact that the OAP stepped out in front of me. And the fact that driving examiner was actually y-

Are you fucking filming? You bastard. Oh for God's sakes. Anyway, urm.

I like to maintain that it wasn't my fault. It was in fact the fault of the driving examiner in that she didn't get there with the dual controls quick enough. That, and she was a frustrated Daily Mail reading bitch queen man-hating whore from hell. But, so it goes so.

So, I asked, I asked how you-we all were earlier. And, you know, you all obviously responded in the positive. But the answer that you never expect- which admittedly, I've never got- but you live in hope and you don't turn round and say "Actually Jim, I've just been bumraped by a tramp". Yes, I know that's gross-out humour but, any porn in a storm, right. And, especially tramps.

But anyway, and, uh, you know, If you're just asking someone how they are you don't expect their fucking life story. And if you get it, my resp-, my reaction is to go alright I'm going now bye bye.

Anyway

Let's put that back up straight.

Anyway.

So.

With sort of like with seeming in mind, urm, it is obviously festival season. Anyone going to any rock festivals soon? Leedsfest? Good luck.

Right.

Because, because, I'm not sure if this is true or not, but I had heard a story about a guy who sort of like, he's shall we say just a little bit different. He dresses up in a dry suit, this is from what I've heard, I don't know if it's true or not, dresses up in a dry suit with like full mask and snorkel and everything else. And goes and lurks in the long drops. And likes to play a little game with people. Yeah, you've heard this before haven't you. Oh well, so it goes. And, urm, you know he, he likes to, uh, like I say, play a little game. Don't spoil the punchline for me, please. Otherwise I'll be singling you out for a complaint later on. And, like I say, likes to lurk and he lurks in the long drops. Until you at the most vulnerable, your trousers around your ankles already feeling a little bit bleurrgh because of all of the various substances alcohol and the fact that, you know, your dung handles are you know pretty much brushing your shoes. And just at that moment apparently he likes to pop up and just go POP UP PIRATE you know like that.I'm gonna say if you've not had a shit before you certainly will after that.

That's just some of the silliness that we see on a daily basis. I mean, for example, once I was waiting at a train station taking part in the commonly known activity as waiting for trains. As you do. And I was there obviously watching the situation. There was my favourite member of the human species just for taking the piss out of: The Chav. He was standing there doing what chavs do - being fucking annoying cunt. But anyway. He was standing there with his can of Special Brew, cigarette, and mobile phone playing what can only be described as fucking noise.

Oi, Wh-where you going?

Alright.

Anyway, back to the story, so he said, doing what he's doing, and there's this little eight year old running around doing what eight year olds do - going, sort of going like "ooh, well, happy days, happy days", you know, I'm not going to run around and run up all my energy so that I won't be an annoying little gimp whatever. And of course his parents were there, I mean, who would leave an eight year old child on there own with a train station? But, come off it. Sorry. And urrrm, yes, so he they're all in their accepted roles. I'm there being the observer thinking "my God, you're being so annoying", and you know, the chav is just going murmrmrmumrmr ntz ntz ntz coming out the mobile playing. And this you know the eight year old is running around playing gets fixed up a gear in the headlights with this chav and this chav just turns round and says "what you looking at?", as chavs apparently like to do when they're sort of like glanced at for half a microsecond by anyone. And this little kid, quick as ever, hold on two seconds, quick as a flash turns around like that and says "I don't know, but it appears to be trying to communicate with me". And I swear to God I've never seen anyone go from angry to confused at the flip of a switch. And the parents just grabbed this kid - Woah! - You know, and, you know, just got out of the situation I'm just sat there silently pissing myself with laughter. Not at the moment, thank God. And, urm, I was there, you know, and you never stood a chance under the towering intellect of an eight year old.

Anyway, right, but, still good chavs.

Sometimes I like to take a look at my friend, thank you very much Robert Chorlton, and for driving, you know, so I don't have to deal with the bane of Britain's model train system or the wonders of some might say. You know, the inevitable delays, leaves on the line, the platitudes that come out of the speakers, like: "We are sorry to announce the train has been delayed, there is a sheep on the line currently being buggered by a Welshman". For all you Welsh people out there, it's kind of my trait to take the piss out of them. For I am British after all.

So we're driving around and we see this chav on a bike - will you please pay attention - so we're driving along and - behave - there we are. "I wanna run that chav over, I wanna run that chav over". I'm just there thinking "why would you do that? I don't want that on my conscience. It could be my bike".

Okay, I was thinking that could have gone a lot better than it did. But never mind, so yeah. But anyway, on a final note, I'm just gonna end with this sort of like little this sort of review of life. We all see some pretty stupid fucking things, not at least, anyone from Wakefield here by the way? Apart from myself. Excellent right. I'm guessing some of you here heard about that Romanian who decided to rape someone in Clerkgate Station so he could go to prison and learn English. What the fuck is he going to learn? "Somebody pass the soap"?

Thank you very much you people have been beautiful goodnight.
(__, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 17:16, 51 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Convoluted thread below
I have tomorrow off, woo for me!

What's for supper kids?

ALT: Horses are obviously not to be trusted, but what don't you trust?
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 16:54, 18 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

It's been an hour since the last post, so I hope this isn't too threadrush
but I've just realised that I can't remember the last time I was without a massive fucking headache. I also realised I am clenching my jaw tighter than a drug-mule's anus going through customs.

I have come to the conclusion that something must br stressing me, and that I need to do somethingto chill the fuck out. Suggestions?

anyone who answers 'have a wank' will be ceremoniously cunted in the fuck.

Alt: What do I buy DJTP for his birthday next month?
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Thu 10 Mar 2011, 15:41, 186 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

I'll be honest, I'm not entirely comfortable telling Monty whether I agree or disagree with his ideas to help his daughter
Therefore I ask a simple question, what do you see if you look directly ahead right now?

I can see my monitor, and behind that a colleague's rather impressive pair of breasts. It's a good day.

Alt: What upcoming events are you excited for?
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 14:45, 182 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Sorry to start a new one so soon after Lampers' excellent questions below,
but I would appreciate some input please. My ex has texted me today saying that she wants to home-school our daughter because the schools in our area are so fucking horrible. She'd be outnumbered heavily by non-English speakers and the number of pupils with behavioural problems are much higher than average.

My gut reaction is to support this venture. The local kids are fucking repulsive where we live. There is of course the concern that my child might be a bit isolated but
a) being isolated from a bunch of knife-wielding Bangladeshis is not such a bad thing anyway and
b) she'd still do after school clubs etc.

What do you think?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 13:26, 163 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Well you're all quiet.
I got bitten by a hot pan of ghee last night. When was the last time you injured yourself?

Alt: Would you rather live in a small house near to stuff or a big one, very far away?
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 12:48, 89 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Too much social retardation and autism in that thread
Wow me with tales of daring and bravado or something from the "Real World"

ALT: New age people are cunts aren't they?
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 11:03, 103 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Not about video games.
Who do you admire or relate to most, and why? They can be a figure from history, someone around today, a politician or leader, or an artist of some kind..anyone at all. They can even be a fictional character like some fucking turd from Terry Pratchett, or an end of level 'boss' from some hideously bent fantasy computer game. I've rather invalidated my subject line now.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 11:03, 23 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Video Games
What's your view on Video Games? Do you agree that they can be mass works of art? That they can be up there with Films and Music when it comes to portraying and envolking human emotion? The British video game industry generates more revinue than it's film industry. That they're used to tell epic storylines, potentials of so many outcomes. Video games have moved on way further than the days of Super Mario Brothers.

But also they can be simple in concept, lacking in story line, such as Angry Birds... and still be just as valid as a form of art. That the act of flicking birds across a screen can help hours pass by. They're not bad for kids, they teach hand-eye co-ordination, puzzel solving. They can help calm down and distract kids possativly; such as those with painful medical conditions. I've read, and seen, quite a few stories of kids playing video games while having things such as Canulations or worst, it keeps their mind off what's going on.

I'm looking looking forward to getting my new nintendo, does anyone have a DS? What games do you recomend?
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 9:54, 131 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

222 replies already?
Do some work people.

I've just rememebred I'm seeing some awesome people for meat related goodness later *dances*

Wait.. that sounded less dirty in my head. meat as in food not mansausage.

Oh Questions questions, have we answered every concievable question in b3taland yet?
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 9:46, 36 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

*adopts Ethal Merman pose and sings*
I JUST WANNA BE MEEEEE!

How would you change if the constraints of social acceptability wasn't an issue?
( girlinthehole, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 8:19, 238 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Alright jizz-chuggers?
What have I missed this evening, anything exciting going on?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 9 Mar 2011, 21:52, 84 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Fucking GUTTED
When I saw this headline I thought the cunt was about to croak:

www.guardian.co.uk/music/gallery/2011/mar/09/david-bowie-in-pictures

When were you last so disappointed you thought you might cry? Lusty, please don't reply to this one, thanks.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 9 Mar 2011, 17:52, 93 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

B3tans! I need your help
You're all older than me, and therefore were alive back in the good old days of the eighties, before such wonders of modern technology as good fashion sense and decent music.
My friend has just been playing "Running" by the shit band Chase & Status, but I'm positive that the beginning of it is sampled from an eighties track I've heard my mum listening to.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=Smm93h254OY

Please stop me from going mental. I thought it might be the Eurythmics, but I don't know what song.

Alt for those of you who can't youtube at work:
Tell me about your first kiss. Or how you lost your virginity, if it's funnier.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Wed 9 Mar 2011, 16:22, 135 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

I'm starting to panic now!
12 mins without a post on here?? Eeek!

Quick, tell me what you are up to this evening?

ALT Q:
Or don't - up to you
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 9 Mar 2011, 15:19, 159 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

I know I'm going to regret this but still...
I'm writing my anuunal appraisal, it is fucking boring banging on about how brilliant I am; therefore OT I want you to appraise me, go.

ALT: Best/most amusing comment you ever had on a report/in a parents evening?
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 9 Mar 2011, 14:00, 118 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

So I was watching Heir Hunters this morning
and there was a woman who'd died, leaving a Kensington flat worth six hundred thousand pounds.

I mean, seriously???? Six hundred thousand???? For a fucking flat??????

I cannot adequately convey how abhorrent I find this. What ridiculous display of capitalism/consumerism/inflation/money stuff has completely disgusted you recently?

Alt: What would you do with £600,000?
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 9 Mar 2011, 13:13, 119 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Super sparkly new post
Dinner last night reminded me that I've actually a little bit missed some of my fellow students, and made me more determined to catch up with them. Seen anyone fun recently?

Alt: EARLY LUNCH QUESTION. What are you having and what would you like to have?
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Wed 9 Mar 2011, 11:44, 193 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Other people's relationships are boring
Would you rather be a man with tits or a girl with a dick?

ALT: Would you rather we invaded Libya or took back Scotland?
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 9 Mar 2011, 10:10, 173 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Woop, woop, candle!
My grandparents are celebrating their 62nd wedding anniversary today. Granny talks fondly of my Grandfather's Dutch oven prank on their wedding night.
What's your top tip for a happy relationship?

Alt: what's the dealbreaker for you?
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 9 Mar 2011, 8:31, 190 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

So, how are YOU celebrating International Women's Day?
Personally, I've just told the missus to cook my tea because I'm hungry, and that I shall eat it all up because I'm very considerate and appreciate her.. I also bought her a new kettle at the weekend, several days early. Technically she bought it but only because I pointed out that the old one had blown up after I tried to boil soup in it. How fucking considerate is that?
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 8 Mar 2011, 20:50, 219 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Screw all that shit.
I've just had chorizo, red onion, sweetcorn and red pepper p*nc***s followed by crushed Malteser, smashed-Crunchie and shattered-white chocolate p*nc***s. What have you had?
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 19:09, 81 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Jesus Christ
the daughter of the family that I stay with while on secondment has just failed her driving theory test for the second time. I still maintain that the theory test is the easiest test I have ever done. How retarded do you have to be to fail twice?

She is going to do biochemistry at uni or something.

I weep for the future of our race.

tell me about stupid people you know?

edit: in case you get confused, Jesus Christ is not the daughter of the family. That was an exclamation.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 18:10, 73 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Someone has been slagging off Monty
b3ta.com/questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1111773

Alt: What's your favourite type of dog, I like these: www.dog-pictures.co.uk/images/french-bulldog.jpg
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 16:24, 127 replies, latest was 15 years ago)