2 classics...
...from my 'old man'.

#1
Anytime you tell him that you've broken something, or injured your self somehow, or done something daft his immediate quip is:
"That was a daft thing to do."
Even as a small child I realised how watermeloning annoying that is.

#2
When you get something in your eye, and you start rubbing it the following conversation occurs.
Dad: "What's up?"
Me: "There's something in my eye"
Dad: "Yeah, it's your finger"

Hi-watermeloning-larious!

And they wonder why I moved out and don't visit very often anymore.
(minister of heresy, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 12:09, Reply)

Robinson Cruesoe
My mates dad always used to say

'it's good news about old robinson cruesoe... he's leaving friday'

After which he just used to stare at my ignorant and bemused expression until i was 7 and actually got it.
(getleethomas, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 12:09, Reply)

Bon appetit?
I used to go to french classes when I was very young and unfortunately my dad picked up a few words from it too, so now he finds it highly amusing to exclaim 'BON APPETIT HOBEAR (his rendition of Robert in french)' in a ridiculous french accent when he lays down dinner in front of me. Sometimes he repeats 'BON' a few times for good measure.

Oh yeah and I don't ever ask him 'Where's my bag Dad?' any more, else I get 'BAGHDAD?!!?1' for the next half an hour.

And of course there's always the 'what are you doing Dad?' - 'I'm skiing Rob' conversation.

And finally when I was younger, I was a right bastard to get out of bed for school, and totally stubborn to show that I was breaking against his attempts. So instead, he used to pick me up out of bed and put me down on the landing outside my room, still 'asleep', so when I finally got up I was a) cold b) even more pissed off than before. Was probably amusing for him anyway.

Oh and really finally, whenever I was in the car with him when I was younger, he used to beep his horn and wave to random people on the street, so embarassing, but was quite funny to see bewildered people waving back at him.
(Sureshot, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 12:05, Reply)

just remembered another
another one of my dad's 'classics' is to stop at traffic lights (this works especially well with old people) and stare at the pedestrians waiting to cross pulling a window licker face and then shout "got any ice cream?". oh how we laugh
This is actually quite hilarious.
He also has a special bond with the word "Diplodocus" and "Balucitherium" (Pls excuse the spellings anyone who knows about dinosaurs). Example: "jesus, look at the siza of that cat - it's like a chuffing balucitherium"
(deleted, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 12:05, Reply)

Just remembered something...
My dad insists that he saw this joke on a lolly stick...
Q:Why do elephants have four feet?
A: Because they'd look silly with six inches
(Sleary, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 11:57, Reply)

"That's the dead centre of town"
whenever we pass a graveyard, which, seeing as there's one just down the road from our Gran's house, is pretty bleedin' often.

Well, to be honest, he doesn't say it every time. But even when he doesn't, you can see him thinking it - as, after 25 years of this, is every other person in the car.

Still makes me laugh, though. I think I may be sick.
(100%hummusfree, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 11:55, Reply)

fly in my soup!
the usual reply to an exclamation of a fly in food was "that's extra protein!"
it made me laugh the first few times, but then it just got tedious. to be fair to the man,he did have his comedy moments. stupid driving, swerving the car, which scared my mum. also coming back from a football/cricket match, and when they'd lost, he always says, "we came second", which is logically true. the eternal optimist, i guess...
(two_eyes, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 11:49, Reply)

Drowning
When I was about four or five my old man used to take us swimming.
This is before a) I could swim without armbands and b) certainly before I even understood the concept of holding your breath underwater.
How we screamed as Dad used to sink to the bottom of the pool and lay there for 20 seconds or so...
(Sleary, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 11:47, Reply)

"Could have been worse, could have been me!"
repeat lamely after personal job loss, breakages (marriage, limbs and vases), and general mis-fortune...
(Tabilda Been away a LONG time *grovels*, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 11:41, Reply)

actually, to be fair to my dad, his april fool's jokes can be quite good
he works in a path lab in a hospital - part of the work involves testing peoples *ahem* samples for bacteria and the like.

his most famous jape was filling a stool sample pot with chocolate mousse and sesame seeds and adding it to the rack to go into the incubator (or whatever, bloody hell, i'm not a doctor!).

when it's time to do whatever to this particular sample, he shows this pot of 'poo' with seeds in to his various colleagues, making comments on how unusual it is, how in all his 40 years he'd never seen anything like it and so on.

when he's got everyone's attention, he opens the pot, takes out the little spoon attachment and eats some. making "oooh, how interesting" noises.

you can imagine the hilarity that ensues...
( new_matt, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 11:40, Reply)

i've been trying to ring you
or, i've sent you e-mails but i never get a reply
or, i'm going to come and visit you and give you some money
and then he whinges about his life and expects me to give a shit.
only ever hear them through my mum though, they must lose some of their wit along the way
(you FUCKING *BANG* BANG*BANG* AAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 11:40, Reply)

AAAAaaaaaaggghhhhhh!
Stop it. Stop it now!

I am a Dad with a 7 year old daughter and I do everything listed on these pages.

This is way too painful. Please, have mercy.
(Northern Blerk Have I been here before?, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 11:38, Reply)

Peeing
Everytime my dad drops a pea off of his plate at dinner...

"oh dear i've pee'd on the able"

The sad thing is, in 20 years time he really will be peeing on the table, and probably everywhere else too, old codger!
(Dozzie, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 11:37, Reply)

so many to choose from
my dad is like a cut-price eric morecombe

*walks around with glasses perched on his head*
"has anyone seen my glasses?"

*fakes injury* "Ouch! My leg! I think it's got a bone in it!"

*if you take a second helping of food*
"Don't they have food down in London then?"
() do bears shit on the wooden pope?, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 11:36, Reply)

My wife's dad
was always waiting for someone to remark, upon seeing their cat lick it's own arse, "I wish I could do that".

Imagine the hilarity that ensued one day one day when some said just that, and he replied "well, if you ask him nicely, i bet he'll let you!"

Sadly, he no longer has a cat, and so his opportunities in this direction are somewhat curtailed, but when he visits us (we have a cat), he always reminds us about the whole cat-arse-lick-permission thing.
( edric, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 11:30, Reply)

dad jokes
Actually this is a crap uncle joke but he is a father so he really has no excuse, and he repeats this same routine EVERY SINGLE TIME I see him
Me: how are you
Uncle crap: Alright thank you....You haven't asked me about my back though
Me: how's your back?
Uncle crap: Ooh don't ask
(stumpgrinder, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 11:29, Reply)

After a long journey: "I'm a little stiff"
Dad: "A little stiff from Loughborough"

I really have no idea what it means.
( stup0t, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 11:29, Reply)

I think they're all at it!
My dad has loads of *hilarious* quips, but I remember as achild some of his favorite involved the car.
The classic was for him, on the way home from school to piss around with the pedals and pretend the car had broken down. Pull to a stop and ask me and my brothers to push the car (a huge Datsun Cherry estate - with the external wood panelling. Nice) for about a mile. We where about 6 and 7 at the time.
Also te classic as you're about to get in the car driving off a little bit then stopping. Ad nauseum.
The other one which we all actually really loved was when he used drive in the style of different people - old lady, farmer, young hoon, nervious driver etc etc. We used to ask him to do it all the time! looking back it was bloody lucky we lived in the country side and there was never much traffic around!
(yacob, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 11:28, Reply)

i feel rather outcasted this week
i disowned my father when i was 11.

he only ever came to visit me (my parents were seperated), and whenever he did, he'd always talk to my mum like a piece if shit.

eventually, i got sick of him being a total cunt, so i told him to watermelon off
( lo, the OTHER greebo warrior, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 11:22, Reply)

When feeling hungry
me: i feel like a sandwich
dad: funny, you dont look like one....
(is thinking, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 11:22, Reply)

Oh
And whenever he was reading the paper:

"All that money and they live like pigs!" he'd say from behind the pages as if he'd read something outrageous.

Me: "Who?"

Him: "Pinky and Perky"
( groovegenerator The man who mistook his wife for his wife, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 11:21, Reply)

fukawee
dad says (infront of seven year old cousin):

Dad: Okay, so these pigmy africans are walking around. They're called the Fakawee tribe
Girl Cousin: Why?
Dad: Well cause they're really short, caue they're a pygmy tribe, and they walk around in the tall grass, and they get all lost. and you know what they say?
Girl Cousin: What'd you they say polly?
Dad: They say WHERE THE FUCKAWEE?!
(grinick, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 11:21, Reply)

Always!
Dad's in the way of a cupboard under the sink as (being a reformed man) he's doing the washing up.

"Can I get into the cupboard dad?"
"I don't think you'll fit son."

Along with the usual old helping dad with the DIY one:

"Pop down to the hardware shop son and get me a bubble for this spirit level. They're free, you don't need any money." Gah!
( groovegenerator The man who mistook his wife for his wife, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 11:19, Reply)

Christmas pudding
clearly bought from a supermarket. Halfway through, he always "finds" a pound coin in one of the mouthfulls. He then leaves it on the table next to his bowl and when everybody has finished, expresses surprise that nobody else "found" one.
( fineart, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 11:09, Reply)

Every bleeding lunchtime too
He'd buy a Jamacia cake, he'd put it down on the table and then he'd sit there looking expectantly. Then one of us would (wearily) enquire. "Jamacia Cake?". Quick as a flash would come the quip "No I bought it!". Hil-flipping-larious it was.

He could also balance stools on his nose which was far more entertaining.
(conuil, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 11:03, Reply)

here's one
what's the difference between a bad marksman and a constipated owl?
one can shoot but can't hit and the other can hoot but can't shit!
(Wonchop Where are your goggles, boy?, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 10:57, Reply)

I have a french better half ...
... which apparently gives my father the excuse to ask her "what is the french for ...?" everytime anybody uses an anglicised french word. Like rendezvous, restaurant, hotel, ... or half the %$#£ing english language.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 10:56, Reply)

my dad's
a retired copper. every christmas eve he had to work nights, and before setting off for work he'd tell me and my sister that he was going to pull santa for driving while under the influence. it was funny the first two years...
( sunny_jimbob, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 10:55, Reply)

Every Christmas
"Whats big red and eats rocks?"
"I don't know, what is big red and eats rocks" (We have to say this line, he seems to demand it if we don't)
"A big red rock eater!"

I think i may have to kill him soon
( Dave - KneHigHbOb talks, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 10:51, Reply)

"amusing"
My dad just loves mispronouncing words so that they are "funny", such as mispronouncing "fork" as "feuck". Yay.
( kingofpork is the king of pork, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 10:51, Reply)