And they let children play this, you say?
Just a quickie (oo-er) - I was playing GTA IV yesterday, and being driven insane by it.

Right up until the point where I received the instruction:

"Get under Jacob's chopper, and climb aboard."

Fnar!

Morning all!

EDIT: I've also just remembered that last night Ray Mears said he 'likes to go around the world, trying new woods'.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 9:51, 5 replies)

Bindun??
Makes a change from being hit by a train.


(Kia Ora it's 2 orangey 4 crows, it's just 4 me and my dog, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 9:34, 2 replies)

misunderstanding...
Slightly off-topic, more the accidental not understanding the intended sexual reference.

So, I'm sat in a Sex Ed class, aged about 13 attempting a quiz we've been given - "Can a girl get pregnant if the guy pulls out before he comes?" The answer, as I now know is in fact "yes", but to my innocent mind the answer is undoubtedly "no" because I've understood it like a band pulls out of a gig, so in my head the guy is probably on the other side of town because he's phoned up to say "Sorry, I can't see you today" - how on earth can that make a girl pregnant? Oops!
(deadly_sinners, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 9:21, Reply)

ass muffins
I hadn't realised what I was buying or I would've stocked up. Cheap at half the price:


( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 9:10, 12 replies)

Unintentional Food Porn.
Way back when -in the days of the dot-com boom, I worked for a large american IT consultancy. A cow-orker I shared the office with wasn't the sharpest tool in the box, but was befit with a cracking pair of tits.

One lunchtime, sitting down to enjoy a couple of bread rolls and a bowl of soup, she exclaims:

"I've got a lovely pair of big white baps, and I'm going to dip them in my soup!"

I had to leave the room.

Width? About 38 Inches.
(caescarna Hell's Roomba, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 9:00, 1 reply)

fellatio
today i had just steam cleaned some mats when i went to get the wet and dry hoover to suck the excess water out.
The young slightly niave lad who works for me was already using it when he saw me and said "Would you like me to suck yours off?"

It took a few seconds before he realised what he had said.
(welgar, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 7:21, Reply)

Loose...
Being an electrical type person, fixing a generator the other day i complain of a fitting being loose to which my junior replies loudly, "MY ARSE, ITS LOOSE!".


Well, what've you been doing to it then kiddo?
(VectarionSilence, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 6:47, Reply)

Not so much innuendo....
When I was doing my hospital training to become a grown up ambulance type worker, I had to spend 2 weeks in the operating theatres. This basically involved a) putting tubes into people so that when we stopped them breathing we could put air into them and b) sticking needles into people to give them the special drugs to stop them breathing in the first place.

All good fun.

Anyhoo, one afternoon I was on the day case list in one operating theatre cannulating patients (putting in the needles). It was the urology list, an afternoon of fun filled procedures, most of which would bring a tear to the eye.

So I, without thinking, was standing next to a chap about my age and uttered the immortal phrase "right, I'm just going to put these needle into the back of your hand. You might feel an uncomfortable prick, but it'll be over quickly."

"Well" said the chap. "The surgeon told me it would take about 2 weeks."

Circumcision.

Unfortunate.
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Mon 16 Jun 2008, 5:47, Reply)

Eraser
Brings to mind the time I innocently asked a work mate “got a rubber Dick?” to which he replied, “No, just the ordinary skin type!”
(Cogitator, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 5:43, Reply)

Still makes me giggle a bit.
My mate O teaches Introductory Physics to hoards of sprogs. He was explaining the mechanics of inclined planes and friction using a block of wood and a toy car.
Quoth he:
"Now, what would happen if I lubricated my wood?"

Poor man. Only after every kid in the class nearly choked laughing at him did he realize what he had said.
(TheWonderfulWombat It came to me in a dream., Mon 16 Jun 2008, 5:25, Reply)

quite a few actually...
Ok, so where do I start?

Let's work backwards chronologically.

Recently a colleague of mine came into work wearing a smashing brown turtle neck jumper. A few comments were made, but I can hold my head high for pulling off what has become my most favourite innuendo ever.
A transcript:
LM: "That's a nice turtle neck Bill"
BILL: "Thanks LM"
LM: "Weird how they're called turtle necks isn't it?"
BILL: (suspicious) "Yeessss"
LM: (all wide eyed innocence) "So... if that's the turtle's neck, then your head is the turtle's head? Just poking out?"
BILL: (loudly and completely oblivious) "YES! I have a turtle's head poking out!"

He still doesn't know what he said.

And same guy, a few weeks earlier...

BILL: "So, LM, you're 30 this year, yeah?"
LM: "Yep"
BILL: "Are you gonna have a big bash?"
LM: (incredulous in the hope that Bill will understand my mock shock at being asked about my 'having a bash')"Erm, that's a bit personal Bill."
BILL: "Why? Are you gonna have a bash or not?"
LM: "I don't know, it's still a couple of months off, and I don't plan my bashing that far in advance"
BILL: "Can I come?"
LM: ...well, at this point I couldn't continue. Again, he was completely unaware that he had been asking if he could 'come' to my 30th Birthday wank...on second thoughts, maybe this one was just in my head...

A while back I was dining at a terrible restaurant with some friends. We were drunk and loud, but our waitress was blonde, nice and pretty, but a little slow in keeping our drinks topped up... At one point we could see the two jugs of beer we had ordered sitting in front of her while she chatted to the barman. So I piped up with;

"Excuse me! Can you please bring your jugs over here?!"

Or there's always the hilarity of my old office, where we received some tailor made uniforms for costmetic staff. They were black nurses uniforms with the relevant logo's embroidered (Londoners may recognise the brand).

Anyway, I'm a six foot tall and quite lanky bloke, so I buttoned up the size ten and wandered around the office getting a few laughs and comments like "Thank god you've got trousers on underneath", etc. At this point my boss wanted in on the action, and grabbed a size 10 herself.

Now she's not a chubby girl, but she is a bit of an amazon. Nearly six foot, and basically in proportion.

So she buttons up the size 10, with some effort. There was a fair bit of strain on the buttons, and the gaps between then were doing that thing where they short of stretch open under the strain. My boss notices this and quietly proclaims:

"I've got a bit of a gaping flap issue."

That'll do for now.
(lessmiserable, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 4:38, Reply)

Cockburn Street in Edinburgh
That is all. I walked into that a few times.
(LiquidRogue Powerful tiny fists..., Mon 16 Jun 2008, 4:24, 2 replies)

Thought I'd test somone else
I was having a little bbq with the lads a few summers ago when my mum came home and she'd brought a work friend with her. Her friend was only about 10 years older than me and was pretty hot. I'd had a few beers already and so didn't really care about much. I walked into the kitchen with all of the usual cooked bbq foods. Thought I'd see how awkward I could make my mum's friend feel. So when I was introduced to her by my mum, I replied with, "Hi.....Sausage?". Cue both her and my mum desparately trying to not laugh, and then to top it off, one of the lads came in to get a beer and immediately took a bite out of a sausage.
(Visionaryofthe1980s www.myspace.com/visionariesofthe1980s, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 2:37, Reply)

No, we're just friends
While in a nice country pub a couple of years back with a good mate, I ordered some traditional English meat-based fare for lunch. The two of us sat chatting and supping, when a waitress approached and asked: "Faggots?".

There was much spluttering and mirth.
(Bob the Scutter, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 2:16, Reply)

Nieces are funny
About 8 years ago I was helping my brother decorate his dining room, which involved putting some shelves up.

One of his daughters (who was probably about 12 at the time) was helping us.

So there we are screwing some brackets on the wall, at which point she proudly proclaims "I want to be a screwer when im older"

Me and my sister in law thought it was bloody funny, but for some reason he didn't, he just replied "No your bloody not", and then told her to go watch tv in the other room.

No sense of humor..
( P, Benny P, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 0:51, Reply)

My old geography teacher..
Mr Sandercock.

An interesting name in itself became far more interesting when we realised his first name was Robert.

R Sandercock - it never got old.
(Brucey bow chika wa wow, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 0:42, 3 replies)

Putting the "blue" in blue collar.
Everyone thinks removals is easy.
You lift and shift, put the gear on the van, drive somewhere else, then do the reverse, right?
Well I can tell you, it's more an art than a science. Angling a leather 3 seater reclining sofa that weighs more than you do through a doorway tighter than an emo's jeans isn't easy even when you know what you're doing.
Cue me and an removal man of 16 years experience at a nice, 30 something single lass's house.
Much flirting and cheekiness is going on between the three of us, good natured and innocent, passing the time.
My driver starts to tell me the basics as the lass puts the kettle on.
"Now," says driver, "when carrying a sofa, the easiest way is to put it "on it's knees". That means to roll it so, if you were sat on it, you would end up on all fours, back to the ceiling and face down."
"Then we angle it through the door way, putting as little stress on the sofa frame itself because they break easy if you rant and rave at it."
"But before we take it through the door way, we need to protect the leather so it doesn't rub and mark. That's why we bag it first."

The lass comes back into the room, hands us a cuppa and I parrot my new found knowledge, getting it straight in my head.

"So we throw it on it's knees, squeeze through the gap making sure not to bend it, and use protection to stop it rubbing to much, right?"

The £10 tip I got will never make up for the 6 months it took to live that one line down.
( Pointy Head poked another hole in my anorak on, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 0:28, Reply)

Guess what they operate on?
In Toronto, there are a couple of well-known plastic surgeons who work on, er, extensions. Their names?
Dr. Long and Dr. Stubbs. Google it if you don't believe me.
(tuqueboy has been in a medically -induced coma since, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 0:14, Reply)

Not quite innuendo, but
I thought this was still worthy.

A few years ago, my school made us all do some volunteer work, to raise the profile of the school, and to teach us 'life skills'.

I went to work in one of the charity shops in town, and manageress of this charity shop was Shirley.

Shirley was absolutley batty. Lovely lady, but absolutley bonkers. She looked like Mrs. Sprout from the Harry Potter films. Shirley let me take stuff home from the shop... All I had to do was let her know that I was taking something, and she was fine with it. I once went home with some hardcore porno and a long knife with a curly blade (who brings them into a charity shop anyway?).

Anyway, the point of the story is this. I was having a chat with her in the store room, when she announced to me that on the weekend "She got stoned." I asked her how she managed to do that, and she elaborated. "I was out walking my dog, when some yobs threw pebbles at me".

I breathed a sigh of relief... I didn't have the heart to explain to her why I burst out laughing...
(DanS like you've never DanSed before!, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 0:10, Reply)

Heeheee, golf!
Watching the US Open this afternoon with friends, and we were watching Tiger Woods practising. One of the guys comes out with:

"Wow, look at Tiger's balls"

Which lead to me pissing myself laughing. Naturally.

Oh, and last night, went to see Brad Paisley (country music star - only went 'cos I was invited). AS we're entering the venue, a girl in front of us had a HUGE ass and the ticket guy told us that there was no rear-entry allowed. I think he meant re-entry....
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 0:05, Reply)

Gas Tap
A rather petite lady was teaching science at the school where i work, and was unable to pull the lever that supplied gas to her lab.

She stuck her head out of her classroom door and as i was passing asked me for some help. I had no problem pulling the gas lever. As i did i announced to her (and 25 sixteen year olds):

"The knobs a bit stiff. You have to give it a hard yank."

It was only when the class burst out laughing that i realised that what i said might be interprated as being a little bit rude so i made a hasty departure.
(champagnerocker, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 0:01, Reply)

In-your-end-oh!
Upon talking to a 'flying-phobic' girlfriend's mother I was overjoyed to hear how on her holiday flight she "actually enjoyed the initial thrust" and "going down was so much better than she expected"...

*cue laser-vision from the girlfriend's dad as I collapsed into hysterical giggletrons at such innocently-debauched revelations!*
( the dalai farmer always likes tea, but especially on, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 23:47, Reply)

I've been single for ages
And had my first date in a long time today.

The venue was a medievel festival in Cheshire.

She chose it.

We arrived just as the proceedings were ending in the form of a massive battle.

As we were approcahing, a cannon went off causing me to near shit my britches, and her to grab my arm.

We watched archers shoot rubber arrows into the air, people sword fight, pretend dead etc with things interspersed by us overlaying Monty Python's Holy Grail scenarios onto things and that bloody cannon loosening my arse every few minutes.

talk turned to what we role we'd take if we were out there, having noted several women tending to the fake dead roleplayers.

'I'd be an archer out at the back so I could leg it if we started losing.'

She chuckled at my cowardice. Her turn.

'With my obsessiveness I'd be out there vigouressly polshing their hemlets'

And then somewhere in Cheshire a cannon fired.
(Heyzeus, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 23:42, 4 replies)

As names go...
I know a few good'uns.
Issabelle Stiff A.k.a Izzy Stiff
Pip Tunnel, full name Phillippa
Isaac Quant, pronounce it and say it fast enough.
He shall be bullied when he gets to school age.
(Seanus, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 23:34, 1 reply)

Janet and John go to a dog show
I'm sorry...


Today, Janet and John are going to a dog show. Do you like dogs? Janet and John do.

The dog show is at the Church Hall. Janet says, 'Hurry up John, or we'll be late!'

See John struggle to get into his tight leather trousers and pink frilly shirt.

Can you roll your eyes? Janet can.

Soon Janet and John are ready to leave. See Janet strap John into the car-seat, and put some saucepans in the back of the car.

When they arrive, there are lots of people with their dogs in the Church hall.

Janet is helping with the refreshments. See Janet put on an apron. Janet says, 'While I'm helping with the food, I want you to be a good boy. Do you understand?'
See John nod his head.

John sees Mrs Bickerdyke. 'Eh-up fluffywhiskers', says Mrs. Bickerdyke. Mrs Bickerdyke is from Yorkshire - see the dark satanic mills.

Mrs. Bickerdyke says 'Eeee, you're just the man I wanted to see'. See John look nervous. 'Give me a hand to get some stuff in from the car and I'll buy you an Eccles cake'. Eccles cakes are John's favourite.

See John helping Mrs. Bickerdyke to lift some heavy boxes. John says 'I haven't seen that little dog in your car before, is it yours?'

Mrs. Bickerdyke says, 'Yes, she's a prize Schnauser, I was going to bring her in, but she's a bit nervous'.

When all the boxes are out of the car, Mrs. Bickerdyke says, 'Right, I need these shifting to the back door of the Hall where I'm setting up my stand'.

John says 'What are you selling Mrs. Bickerdyke'? Mrs Bickerdyke says 'I'm selling sparkly coats and fashion accessories for dogs, they're very popular'.

When John and Mrs. Bickerdyke have finished setting up the stall, the Verger takes some photographs for the Parish Magazine. John likes having his photograph taken - see the cheesy smile.

Then Mrs. Bickerdyke buys John an Eccles cake, which John quickly gobbles down.

After John has had a look at all the dogs and the sandwiches and tea are served it is soon time to go home.

Janet and John get back into the car. Janet says 'I nearly forgot to bring back my saucepans, did you have a nice time John?'

'Yes', says John. Mrs Bickerdyke gave me a treat after she showed me her Schnauser in the car park, then I did her a favour and took her doggy fashion round the back of the Village Hall and the Verger took some pictures for the Church newsletter.

Do you know how to ruin a perfectly good saucepan? Janet does. See the dents.

Poor John.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Sun 15 Jun 2008, 23:29, 5 replies)

The bread department
While working part time in tesco a few years ago, I bumped into a girl that had been in the same induction group as me. This was about 2 months after the induction, and I hadn't seen her since - apparently she was working in another job and had to finish off there first. So anyway, I asked her what department she worked in;
"I'm in bread"
*snigger* "You're inbred are you?"
"Yeah I'm in bread".
She carried on smiling and skipped obliviously on her merry way. I get the feeling she wasn't very bright.
(uncle_bob, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 23:09, Reply)

Sherbet lemons
Imn a physics lesson not too long ago me and a couple of friends were eating sherbet lemons.

"These are shite," remarks my friend, to which i reply:

"Yeah I prefer the ones where when you suck on them you get the liquid squirt in your mouth..."
(apo-dap, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 22:22, Reply)