My friend tried to get mugged
having just taken her bike into the repair shop, only to be informed it was so knackered it was dangerous, it turned out that it would cost £20 for it to be taken away and recycled.
Obviously realising that this wasnt an attractive option, the shop owner just told her to leave it down the alley and it would be removed of its own accord. Fifteen minutes later, it was gone!
(Anduril, Fri 16 Jun 2006, 14:49, Reply)

When in Australia...
Never been mugged - a police friend offered the following tips: Smile arrogantly at your would be mugger as if you are relishing his actions - it'll confuse the fuck out of him.
Or shout loudly into your sleeve "Go! Go! Go!" and watch them run like fuck.
The second one was used locally by an ex-cop and scared the pants off the group of Aborigines trying to mug him.

If mugged in Australia (specifically Queensland) and you don't want to get a bill from the ambulance service, all you need do is give a Queensland address as your place of residence and state you have been there more than 3 months, and no bill will be issued.
There is no system in place to check the address you gave - if it is in Queensland it gets written off.

I rarely offer this titbit, except to tourists I like or feel sorry for.

However, seeing as I like or feel sorry for all b3tans I offer this tip freely.
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Fri 16 Jun 2006, 14:48, Reply)

ceebs
I live right next to Corby. You poor bastard. I avoid that place with my life. Legend has it that you can go through Corby and when you come out, you have no hub caps. People, stay away from Corby!
(The_Reaper, Fri 16 Jun 2006, 14:46, Reply)

Not me but my parents
When I was about 6, I was coming out of a cinema with my parents and we were approached by a couple of guys. The one who looked like the leader had a sinister smile. My dad tried to give them his wallet but the one with the smile just shot him and my mum. They both died.

After that I was brought up by our butler, Alfred. You see my family were kind of big cheeses and owned a lot of the city. The were pretty good with the money though and had just recently built a mass transportation system for the city.

When I got a bit older I went a little off the rails and went off to Nepal or somewhere and somehow ended up in prison. From there I was released and ended up training with some kind of crazy kick-ass ninja monks who were led by some Irish guy.

After a few years training with them I was rock hard but then had a bit of a falling out with them (turned out they were up to no good). After that I went back to the city and decided that I would use my vast fortune and kung-fu skills to fight crime. Luckily my Dad's old firm had a kind of secret department that developed cool gadgets and weapons which was very handy.

Back when I was a kid I had fallen into a well and got frightened by some bats. Because of that I thought that I would dress like one when fighting crime. It kind of made sense to me at the time. I think that it had something to do with a bat's resiliance or something like that.

I eventually caught up with my parent's killer. I thought I had killed him once by pushing him into a vat of toxic waste but he just went more crazy, telling lots of crap jokes and now had a really wierd face (his smile was now permanent, the bastard). After lots of to-ing and fro-ing I eventually got him though.

After that I started to fight with more and more ridiculous vilians. One guy was half penguin for Christ's sake. What the fuck was that all about? I also have had some really rubbish side-kicks, although one of them was kind of hot. I think it's best to stick with me and Alfred.
(Tom Jones's Mojo Hasn't had any since, Fri 16 Jun 2006, 14:41, Reply)

Carp incident
When I was about fourteen I bought three shiney new koi carp from the garden centre at the end of my street. On the way home, holding my bag of livestock out in front of me, with a similar look on my face as Indiana Jones had just before he nicked the idol out of the tomb at the start of Raiders of the Lost Ark; I got held up by three inbreads who went to the tech college. They put the see-thru plastic bag the carp were in in a brown paper bag to calm the fish down. Apparently all fish are neurotic and need to be kept in the dark when stressed.

"what's in the bag?" said lead inbread, while his two brothers/cousins/half-brothers, penned me in.

Me: "fish."

Inbread: "what sort of fish?"

Me: "koi carp."

Inbread: "are they worth owt?"

Now this is where I went a bit wrong. Me: "yeah, they're dead expensive."

Ten minutes later after I had recovered my dignity enough from the smack I got, I started off home in tears. And I found my fish, still in the bag, perched on top of a dustbin just a few yards from home. It appears the inbreads had decided against a stint of black market fish-peddling.

Rambo, Jaws and Bambi (named by my sister)are still alive now over ten years later.

Moral of the story: If a mugger asks you if you have anything of value, lie. You know it makes sense.
( SpankyHanky, Fri 16 Jun 2006, 14:36, Reply)

2 occasions of potential mugging...
First time I didn't quite clock on...I was 12 and VERY naive...even told the buggers my name. They said they were 12 as well (not sure but possibly a foot taller and facial hair...

They asked me if they could have a look in the plastic bag I was holding, I obliged...they looked, they gave it back and said ' ALright mate, have a good day'

It was full of house cds...I just thought they were quite friendly guys...but they obviously thoguht the music was worthless...jokes on them, it's awesome! :-D

Second time...on my way to school...I think I was 16...this guy meets me un a little tunnel under this bridge in Deptford and this happens:

Twat: Gimme your Phone
Me: I ain't got a phone
Twat: What ya LYING for?! (hand down trousers)
Me: What?
Twat: You want me to clip it?
Me: What?
Twat: You want me to load it?! (implying he had a gun...or was gonna spunk on me...
Me: Piss off
Twat: Argiht gimme a pound!
Me: I ain't got a pound
Twat: Stop LYIN man!
Me: **Starts to walk off**
Twat: Yeah yeah you keep walkin!
Me: Go on, shoot me right here **point at back of my head**

Guess what...he didn't shoot me

Nowadays I don't worry abotu anyone really...can't fight for sheisse but being 6ft 1, having a fairly mean glance and not being the weediest of guys (before you get the wrong idea, it's not even muscle, but they can't tell that) No-one wants to pick a fight with me really...
( Extinct Jesus Dossier "...I think it counteracts Hitler's magic...", Fri 16 Jun 2006, 14:10, Reply)

Mugged
This happened to my friend- and in all fairness - if i had to choose to be mugged this is what id want to happen.

Said friend- called Pete- hello if you're reading- had been on night out in Rochdale. He lived just out of the centre and so decided that walking home at 3 in the morning, alone, past some dark areas would be a good idea.

Anyhoo- hes on his was when 2 chavs stop him. They dont intsantly go for the jugular but begin talking to him, asking him if hes got any money- and they then ask for his phone. Pete is a thin chap and not a fighter and rather sensibly feels hes not going to take them both. However- he does have the wherewithall to think all his numbers are on his SIM and they probably dont want the SIM so he asks if he can take his SIM out. They agree (WTF!!??) so he hands the phone over. They then ask why he gave it them and he sed 'because you told me to' and they say 'mate - its a good phone- just cos we say so dont mean you do it- stand up for yourself' and gave it him back (WTF #2).

They then ask if hes got any money- to which he replies no- they dont beleive him and ask for his wallet so he gives it over- he has few notes in there- they ask how much it is to get into this club and then take the amount they need- £10- and give him the wallet back! (WTF #3)

So - to recap- he gets mugged- gets his stuff back, doesnt get a kicking, gets to keep his cards so doesnt have to go through the ballache of cancelling them etc, and they take just what they need!!

And people moan about the moral standards of the youth of today.........!
(Keyser Soze, Fri 16 Jun 2006, 13:56, Reply)

Not me but:
My mum is shopping in Leicester market on a jam packed busy Saturday, when someone suddenly starts running through the crowd.
"Stop, theif, someone stop him! Theif!" shout the market trading people.

My mum craftily sticks out her foot and sends the guy flying (or, more accurately, falling, flying would be OK). He gets up, dusts himself down and squares up to my mum.

His thoughts: (mid fifties, short arse, no problem)
Actual fact: (2nd degree black belt, breaks boards, bricks, necks etc for fun, quite a big problem)

The situation was diffused before anything cool happened though by one of the market traders saying "Its OK, we were only mucking about."

Apparently it was one of their mates, and they do it all the time! Hilarious! Except he didn't seem to think so.

Just an insight into why there seem to be so many "I'm a kung fu marine sword fighting boxer so I decked the bitch" style posts: everyone else is thinking that their "I was mugged at knife point and it was the most emotionally castrating event of my life, I still live in a haze of fear" stories aren't much fun.

I was mugged when I was a kid, on a bus, and it was neither fun nor interesting. I've spent the last 8 years making sure that if it happens again it will be something worth telling the grandkids.

Hiyahh! Just try it!
(please don't hit my face)
(ManekiNeko loves horses, Fri 16 Jun 2006, 13:50, Reply)

Batman
My mate Dan is a fit (as in aerobicly) guy. He plays rugby, runs marathons this sort of thing.

Anyway in Leceister Square a few weeks ago he was using(texting) his mobile phone while eating a dodgy kebab.

Out of nowhere a bloke runs up and grabs the phone out of Dans hands and legs it. Dan pursues the mugger a few blocks and rugby tackles him to the ground.

After a few sweft punches, Dan has this low breed up against the wall - when a member of the police force walks by.

Noticing the commotion the situation is calmed and stories exchanged. Mugger is searched the copper finds no less than 6 phones on him. Hands back Dans and arrests the mongrel.

Dans new nickname is Batman.
(Slatts If you cant remember it didnt happen, Fri 16 Jun 2006, 13:35, Reply)

Yay! Finally a subject I know all about...
I was mugged twice, in more or less the same place, in a month.

All I'm going to say though is this; neither time did an attacker get anything off me.

However, the police still have my fucking coat nearly a year on...

Oh the irony of it all.... or something.
(blackfacedfightinggibbon, Fri 16 Jun 2006, 13:34, Reply)

I used to live in Corby
Quiet town in the middle of the midlands, almost entirely occupied by glaswegians.

when they built much of the road system, it was made up of roundabouts and underpasses. A favourite of the local teenage neds is to stand round the corner of one of the underpass with a buucket full of petrol and throw it over any passing individual. then stand in front of you with a lighter and demand your wallet etc.

there is only one small flaw in this plan, a bucket full of petrol is quite expensive (And the local garage owners are not that keen on selling young neds buckets full of the stuff. so to pull off this scam the bucket is actually full of water, with a squirt of zippo fluid on top so that it smells right when it hits you.

It's the locals that batter the neds who try this, it's the incomers who shit themselves and hand everything over.

Fortunately I had been warned
(ceebs, Fri 16 Jun 2006, 13:26, Reply)

Train 'Mugging'
A friend of mine works in London, lives in St. Albans and uses the train to commute. After a beery work do, and feeling a bit worse for wear, he catches the train to St. Albans, promptly falls asleep and wakes up at the depot in Bedford in an empty train, forced to indulge in a very pricey taxi home.

Some weeks later, same mate drinks just as much at a works do, and feels just as sleepy. Wise to the situation after the previous time, he sets the alarm on his phone to wake him up in plenty of time before his stop at St.Albans. Phone in hand, he drifts rapidly into a dreamy slumber.
He then wakes up, and recognises the cold dark train depot in Bedford, and cursing his luck, checks to see why his alarm didn't wake him up. It quickly becomes very obvious that his phone didn't alert him as it had been plied from his sleeping grip. So he eventually gets home minus his phone and another enormous taxi fee. Ouch.
( peregrinefark, Fri 16 Jun 2006, 13:19, Reply)

What were they thinking?!
It was a few years back now. Was mugged for my wallet by a couple of blacks at the bus stop.
Funny thing is they got caught after trying to use my ID (bearing in mind that I'm white) to purchase some liquor.
(Addie81, Fri 16 Jun 2006, 13:18, Reply)

I undid a mugging once
Walking home from the tube station to my flat, a Chinese guy sprinted across the road towards me shouting "Help! Help! I've been mugged! He took my phone!". I looked across the road in the direction he'd come from, but couldn't see anybody there.

I didn't really know what to say, so I reached for my phone with the intention of calling the local rozzers. As I did so, the "mugger" sprinted across the road and handed the stolen phone back to the Chinese guy with a "It was just a joke. I was just joking." The mugger then runs off again.

I look at the Chinese guy. He looks at me.

Me: "OK?"
Him: "Err .. yeah. Thanks."

I must be scarier looking than I think.
(ottaky, Fri 16 Jun 2006, 13:16, Reply)

probably about 8 years old
some cock off my old street tries to take my scooter (what a cock! he was about 11) until a bigger boy came punched him for me

tee hee
( m-a-t-t -- formerly mini hasn't been on here for EVER!, Fri 16 Jun 2006, 12:23, Reply)

WWII vet vs 3 chavs
My Grandad has just turned 80.

he was walking down the road in london and he was surrounded by 3 16 year old chavs.

they shouted at him to hand over his wallet and his watch or they would kick the crap out of him. this didn't seem to phase his partly because he is nearly deaf and partly because he used to be part of the Pathfinder regiment in the parratroopers in WWII. cue him telling them to do one then breaking the first chavs arm and pinning the other to the wall by his neck an inch of the ground and the other running away. apparently when the police turned up they had to restrain my grandad as he was still trying to turn the 2nd chavs face into part of the wall.
(THE_TRUFFLE_PIG, Fri 16 Jun 2006, 12:21, Reply)

That fateful day in London!
3am, Brixton, London. A fine mist of rain fell from the sky and streetlights lit the road a sickening yellow hew. Shallow puddles reflected the moonlight with a murky haze and the only sounds were my own footsteps as I marched, steadily down Coldharbour Lane.

Something metallic clattered behind me, I turned and saw nothing. I resumed my stride with renewed caution. Something ahead caught my eye, a flash of gleaming metal from the darkness of a side ally. I paused, 3 hooded figures clothed in black emerged silently from the gloom.

My heart raced, I swiftly about-faced and resumed my stride in the opposite direction without looking back. Two more figures appeared in front on me, they closed in. I looked left and right for escape but I was trapped. The 5 figures drew closer walking with a casual stroll. I feared the worse, these were professionals.

They halted; I could make out five stern faces steering at me, the tallest of the men stepped forward and stood directly in front of me, we were face to face, eye to eye.

He spoke: “Do you….” and paused

I took a deep breath and calmed myself.

He resumed “Know the way to the High Street?”

I was shocked, directions?! They wanted simple directions? I saw red and I felt a supernova of adrenaline surge through me. With lightning speed I lunged forward and grabbed the man by the both ears pulling his head towards my knee with all my strength. I felt the impact and satisfying crunch of bone and cartilage. The reaming four exchanged glanced and leapt in the fray. I dodged left and right and brought my mighty Yang Chong Low super Kung Fu roundhouse kick to bear, the impact knocked two of my assailants across the street, their helpless bodies falling limp on the cold cobblestone floor.

One of the remaining two grabbed me from behind and attempted to establish a rudimentary headlock, I shrugged it off and with my Foo Ling Mong Uppercut I punched the mans head clean off, it flew virtually and came to a crashing thump down on the ground directly in front of the remaining man, dead eyes staring upwards. The last man clutched has his chest, had a heart attack and died instantly. I resumed my walk, whistling as I went.*

*may not be entirely true… I can’t whistle.
(Minty Hit, Fri 16 Jun 2006, 12:21, Reply)

Cliche failure
I have many, many times been asked for a cigarette, 50p or the time by some random on the street. Sometimes I have given them the cig, occasionally the 50p, and usually the time. None of them have ever bothered me further.

What's with that?
( wangmaster2000, Fri 16 Jun 2006, 12:14, Reply)

Birmingham..
Aston to bemore precise, wandering back from lunch through one of the many subways that Birmingham City coucil planners are so fond of. Anyway, I was mid argument with girlfriend on my phone at the time. (looking back, a kinda silly move to be on my phone).
I could sense someone behind me and as i came to the subway exit, a young guy, about 16/17 or so in a hoody appears at my side - and asks me the for a ciggy.
Sensing this young brigands malicious intent, I tell the girlfreind to "shut up for a minute" calmy take the phone away from the side of my head, look this guy in the eye and say (very uncharateristically - Im short and very much the pacifist)..
"You should fuck off right now before I rip your fucking head off mate..." he goes to speak so I tell interrupt "Seriously man, go, NOW. I'm giving you fuckall." - stunned, this guy looks at me confused with a "this isnt how its meant to happen" look on his face. Meanwhile I tell my girlfriend to be quiet, as i'm about to kill a mugger.
He runs off at this point...

I suppose the moral of this story is, bet way to handle a mugger is have an argument with a laaaydeee just beforehand...
( Jinkeys! bumflakes, Fri 16 Jun 2006, 12:08, Reply)

Petty Crime
Skating in Birmingham City Centre with my ex-girlfriends brother a few years ago, (under the steps of the Rep theatre for those that know it), we decided to get some munchies after our mid afternoon doobie snack.

So we went to the nearest fast food den,which happened to be a Subway, and got ourselves 12inches of the sweetest chicken teriyaki. After getting back to our spot under the steps, a guy approached us asking if we had the time. As my skating accomplace reached in his pocket to get his phone, the guy lunged at him and pinned him against the wall. I pulled him off my mate, who then proceeded to right hook him, landing a shot on his lip.

His lip sprayed blood as his head turned, in a typical Rocky slow motion punch. He span round, then sat down in front of us holding back the tears (this guy was about 30), then stood up slowly, reached in his back pocket and pulled out a few rolled up Big Issues, and pleaded with us to buy some. When we refused, and rightfully told him to fuck off, he grabbed the foot long Subway from my mate and took a big bite of it. Only to have three of his teeth disappear with the first bite.

After handing it back to us, we stared in disbelief at the what he'd just done, and the bloodied, toothy chicken baguette in my mates hand. As we lifted our boards to deck him, he apologised, and handed over an eight of what we later found out was some of the strongest skunk we'd ever smoked.

He's now one of the many 'locals' to the city centre, and has become a valued person to know. So if your ever in Brum, and see a Big Issue seller with a ratty ponytail and three of his front teeth missing, say hi to Rob for me.
(join my cult, Fri 16 Jun 2006, 12:03, Reply)

I was walkin' down the street
Concentratin' on truckin' right
I heard a dark voice beside of me
And I looked round in a state of fright
I saw four faces one mad
A brother from the gutter
They looked me up and down a bit
And turned to each other

Well he looked down at my silver chain
He said I'll give you one dollar
I said You've got to be jokin' man
It was a present from me Mother
He said I like it I want it
I'll take it off your hands
And you'll be sorry you crossed me
You'd better understand that you're alone
A long way from home


Oh wait, sorry, thats a 10cc song.

However there was this time I was down in the tube station at midnight and a voice asked if I had any money. Unfortunately I had lots of money and a take away curry, I was on my way home to my wife...
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 16 Jun 2006, 12:01, Reply)

Almost mugging and granny kicking ass
My Nan goes on about a billion holidays a year,and earlier this year she went to Egypt,which apparently is full of people trying to get your money.

Her and a group of pensioner friends were wandering about in the town when a greasy little Egyptian bloke slimed up and offered to show them around. They politely declined,but he followed them around anyway. My Nan then decided she wanted to find a cash machine,so she asked the little guy,who dierected her to one,at the top of a flight of stairs.

As my Nan started getting her money out,she noticed the guy was right up close behind her,peering over her shoulder. She asked him to go away,and he moved about a milimetre back. She asked again,another miniscule step.

So then,my Nan,with her grey hair,lavender coloured clothing and handbag full of softmints and tissues,pushed the little git down the flight of stairs. Walked off. Left him there.

Ass kicked by an OAP. HAH.
(Miharu, Fri 16 Jun 2006, 11:40, Reply)

San Francisco
Me and a friend were having a quick smoke in Union Square at midnight after a big night out. we see two guys heading our way and get a sinking feeling, they sit either side of us and one talks to my friend whilst the other gets a wrap out of his pocket, which has some white powder on it, and pushes it under my face asking if we want to buy some gear.

we keep saying no, then suddenly they get up and go - whereupon my friend says 'they've got your wallet' - i check and realised the one next to me had draped his jacket over my leg and lifted my wallet while i was staring at this powder. being nice middle-class english boys, and being a bit mashed, we didn't think about jumping him, just followed him around the park asking for the wallet back (he wouldn't/couldn't leave because of cops outside). he kept reaching for something behind his back which i later realised was him pretending to get a gun.

eventually he owned up to having it and let us pay him 20 bucks to get it back. i thought it was money well spent, it was a very skillful, old school non-violent lift and a top buzz
( harryfreeze Ignore, Hide, I like this!, Reply, Fri 16 Jun 2006, 11:27, Reply)

Always check the pockets....
My cousin is a true example of Small Man Syndrome. He is about 5' 3", really quite angry, and has been a bit of a bad boy in the past. Due to this he can handle himself pretty well in a scrap.

However he also regularly gets staggeringly drunk in some of the rougher parts of Bristol and has to try and haul himself home. Vulnerable you see.

He recently got mugged at speed- someone grabbed him from behind, shoved their hand into his front pocket (nice!) and ran off with his frankly very shit mobile.

Completely ignoring the £800 wedge he had in his back pocket...
(clapper, Fri 16 Jun 2006, 11:25, Reply)

Tony Banks MP
Many years ago, six in fact, we, that is me and about 5 friends had just been watching West Ham at home and decided to walk from the ground to Forest Gate station to get the train home. As we entered the station we see Tony Banks, ex minister of sport, lover of the East End and Chelsea fan, coming up the stairs flanked by two coppers. So being the lovely chaps we all are we decided to start singing anti Chelsea songs to Mr Banks and likening him to female genitalia. Coppers and Mr Banks not amused, but nothing was said "how very odd" we thought at the time. Until the next morning that was...

news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/1002189.stm
(ray bentos, Fri 16 Jun 2006, 11:15, Reply)

My Mum vs Neds
My old dear was out having a drink with my dad at about 4pm-ish in a well-known family-orientated pub/restaurant chain.
A couple of 17-year-old Chavs come in and sit at the next table of what is a fairly busy place.
While my dad went up to get the drinks in, my mum stood up and leaned across the table to grab a paper, when she suddenly felt a painful nip to the rear.
Thinking it was my dad mucking about, she turned round ready to tell him where to go, only to find no one there .. . . .
It was then that she cast her eyes downward to find, to her utter astonishment, one of the neds on his knees, mouth open, bearing teeth.
Suddenly the sweet demeanour of this 5-foot tall 58-year-old woman evaporated and was replaced by an uncharacteristic flood of rage.
What the fuck are you doing?" she yelled at the young pervert, in voice that attracted the attention of the entire bar. Every drinker in the large room turned to see this old woman renowned for her polite persona and helpful ways suddenly become posessed by the spirit of Hades itself.
Sensing this, the ned jumped on to his feet and began to back-pedal in fear, but it was too late.
Within a split second she had launched herself at the 6-foot ape, and in a flurry of wrinkly limbs beat the shit out of the Burberry-clad goon.
The neds were politely told by the management to drink up, leave, and never come back.

My dad was oblivious to the whole thing. He'd gone to the bog and missed the lot. My mum didn't want to tell him incase he had a go at the neds, but he later just laughed it off, as it was clear that SHE should be fighting his battles for HIM.

Now embarrased, my dear old mother recalls with horror the noise his shin made when she cracked it with the right boot, but in all honesty I'm proud of her. Standing up to attackers twice her size - way to go!
Anyone who attacks a 58-year-old woman and gets a kicking in return deserves all the pain and humiliation they get.

Before the neds left, the beaten one limped towards my now seated mum, yet kept a cautious distance of almost ten feet between them when he sheepishly apologised: "I'm really sorry, I thought it was a younger lady!"

Nice excuse, eh?

He was told to fuck off before he got another kicking off the old dear.
(Barry Subchimp, Fri 16 Jun 2006, 11:15, Reply)

Moss Side, Manchester

Xmas Eve, early 90's and I was heading home to a flat in Moss Side. I'd been working all day in a mate's shop to give him a hand over the Xmas period and I was carrying the days takings in an envelope in my inside pocket - about 2 grand. In my other hand was my mates Xmas present concealed in a bin bag as I hadn't had time to wrap it.

When I got off the bus it was about 50 yards to my flat - mainly well lit except for the last few yards where I had to turn down an alley next to a church. As I turned down the alley I heard running steps behind me and, just as I tried to turn to see what was happening, an arm snaked around my throat from behind and this big black head appeared over my left shoulder.

Without thinking, I swung my mates Xmas present across my body and towards the head on my shoulder.

BOING!!!

There was a ringing sound and the guy behind me lost his grip on my throat and staggered backwards holding his face. I ran forward a couple of steps and spun to face my attacker. Grabbing the Xmas present with both hands I stepped in and swung at his head again.

BOING!!!

This time he staggered a step backwards and fell backwards onto his arse, blood streaming from a cut in his head. Job done, I turned and sauntered off up the stairs and into my flat where I gave my mate his Xmas present and told him what had just happened. He pissed himself laughing and the present is still one of his favorite possessions.

And the present? A cast-iron wok.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 16 Jun 2006, 11:12, Reply)

don't mug yourself
I work in Hackney. This place is where good muggers go when they die. Too many stories.

The best was when I was waiting for a bus on Maire Street. A 17 year old wigger bad boy sucks his teeth in (doubtlessly reflecting his wannabe Caribbean cultural heritage).

'Giz your wallet'

There are about twelve people waiting at the bus stop with me who all heard and saw this.

'No.' I reply.

Sucks his teeth again.

'Giz yo wallet or I is gonna get my people on you.'

A Caribbean pensioner laughed out loud and said:

'Yo peepil? Who is yo peepil? Dey is Mary poppins 'an scooby doo! Now you missed da school bus ten minute ago, get ya walkin!'

He skulked/ exaggeratedly limped off towards the Empire.

'Thanks' I said sheepishly, wondering at the bizarre combination of Mary Poppins and Scooby doo as his choice of derision.

'No problem fella' said the old man, 'I sin him every day walkin' down here, only normally tis with an au pair you see.'

'Oh' I said, 'Mary Poppins, I get it.'

'Right.'

'And what about scooby doo?' I ask

'His par sister look like a dog.'
(sadler, Fri 16 Jun 2006, 11:01, Reply)

Kirby - Liverpool Xmas '97
I had just been to see my Grandma (God rest her soul) and I was making my way back to central Liverpool to get the train back to York.

Whilst waiting on the platform a couple of the local feral population came up to me. "Can you spare us 50p for some fags?" 50p was a cheap price to pay to get rid so I gave them it and they went on their way.

5 minutes later the trainy tube thing arrives and I got on and sat down. The bloody thing decided to wait for 10 minutes during which time two lads with their jumpers pulled up to their faces got on. "Give us yer money"

I just ignored them and I recognised them as the lads from the platform. Anyway they kept repeating themselves until they got bored and the braver one smacked me across the face - causing my head to bash off the window.

Now they wern't big lads so I stood up and I was going to educate them, the hard way. The braver one got braver still and got a pen knife out. I thought, feck it, I'll give them the change out of my wallet and they'll leave it alone. So I get my wallet out and the non-knifey one grabbed it.

They rifled through my cards and emptied it of about £5 in change, threw it at me and ran off.

Now what they failed to realise that my Gran and Uncles had given me a bit of spending cash for me and my siblings - £150 to be precise. The dozy gits had missed the zipped compartment that held notes! (Although I probably would have risked a minor cut for that much money)

Sorry for lack of kung-fu etc - actually it's quite a shit story...sorry
( Mastic, Fri 16 Jun 2006, 10:58, Reply)