jesus
get a sense of humour
(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Thu 17 Dec 2009, 16:11, 16 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Did anyone watch that programme on BB2 about that Gerry chappy looking into dementia care homes?
He was watching some old dear being lifted out of a chair by two women and she was effing and blinding and trying to hit them.

He sat there afterwards talking to her and she was effing and blinding to him. Hilarious.

Afterwards he said, 'wow, she must be really angry about the treatment she's getting in here'.

No she's not. She's just a daft old bint who likes swearing at everyone.

Edit - It was a sad state of affairs though. I wouldn't stick my mum in one of those places.
( girlinthehole, Thu 17 Dec 2009, 15:33, 11 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Vipros' squirrel-themed magnum opus, a review by Monty Boyce off of the internet.
Last night I listened with some trepidation to our very own Smug Satan's epic work. If it was fucking awful what could I say? As an outspoken music Nazi a non-committal 'it's OK' would have been blatantly obviously a polite review of something I didn't like. But if I hated it and reviewed it as such in my usual bombastic manner it would be fucking rude.

Luckily, I needn't have worried. In short: I loved it. Before I'd even heard it I thought the concept was great. A real classic British whimsical prog-rock idea.

Whilst it is of course a long piece, none of the movements is overlong so the whole thing remains interesting from start to finish - this is massively helped by the stylistic variety contained therein. This same variety makes it a startlingly original work - I cannot think of another record that fluctuates between classic prog rock, straight up vintage metal and dance music. Despite the massive shifts in tempo and technique the piece still feels like a single entity rather than merely a sequenced medley.

I was particularly taken by the acoustic passages, although when it 'rocks out' it does so with aplomb. The guitar playing is skilful without being over-flashy or masturbatory, I'd describe the playing as mature and tasteful (unlike the massive helmet playing it). Were I to make any criticism of it at all, I would say that the beats need beefing up somewhat. I did listen to it on my computer which obviously meant it would come out weedier than intended, but with this in mind I listened to something else for control purposes and I still feel they need to come up in the mix a bit and perhaps some double tracking for extra cojones.

Were I producing it myself I also think I might have tried to repeat some of the motifs throughout to add to the cohesion of it all, but as I said it already feels like a single entity anyway. I would also have made much more of the trippy space noises but that is merely personal taste.

A comfortable 7-8/10 from me.

Sorry if you think this is overlong and/or pompous but fuck it, if Al can review a restaurant I don't see why I can't review one of our very own's musical creation.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 17 Dec 2009, 14:26, 23 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Quick poll
how many of you spastics don't know what clotted cream is?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 17 Dec 2009, 14:11, 81 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I know I've got a few fans here, so I hope you don't me posting another blog update....
blog.90nz0.com/2009/12/17/steak-and-chips/

I fancy doing some more cooking tonight, anyone got any sugestions?
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 17 Dec 2009, 13:55, 42 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

You Brits have easy Weather
It was -17 C on the way to work today with 20 Mile Per Hour winds and drifting snow. Fun!
(MichaelS wasn't picked again, Thu 17 Dec 2009, 12:54, 37 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I watched a little bit of Shangia nights last night and remembered I totally have the hots for Jackie Chan.
Trouble is I get the feeling he wouldn't be too freaky in the bedroom.

Who do you have a crush on that you know would disappoint if you got your hands on them?
( girlinthehole, Thu 17 Dec 2009, 11:11, 74 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Royal fucking Mail bastarding, cock-chomping cunts.
I am working from home today and just heard the postman put something through the letterbox. A few minutes later I sauntered to the door and it is a 'Sorry you were out please come and collect your parcels' note.

A few points worth mentioning...

1. I was in.
2. Doorbell - check. It works.
3. Door knocker - still fucking attached and functional.
4. I am not deaf/drunk/stoned.

So do I:

a. Get in the car, track the simian cunt down and beat him senseless with a baseball bat.
b. MTFU, let it go and calmly pop down to get my parcels.
c. Go down the office and do a 'Malcolm Tucker on Meth' on the local offices, scaring the tits off the elderly, piss-stinking fuckwads who seem to think the Post Office is a social club for the nearly dead?
d. Any suggestions?

Please note my blood is fucking boiling and I think some form of shouting, swearing and extreme violence combination is highly favourable.

Where's the fucking paracetemol?
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Thu 17 Dec 2009, 10:24, 41 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

word up bitches
Should I attempt to make the Kaodrix birthday bash or should I stay at home by myself drinking?

Alternatively discuss how people are fucking stupid when let behind the wheel of a car I SWEAR TO GOD IF ONE OF YOU FUCKING CUNTS PULLS OUT IN FRONT OF ME AGAIN WHEN I AM DOING 60 I WILL FOLLOW YOU HOME, KILL YOUR DOG AND EAT YOUR CHILDREN
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 17 Dec 2009, 9:45, 36 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

So yesterday I told you that my wifes Gran had died
When they got home the mourned in a way I can appreciate. They stole my unopened bottle of gin and the last of my full corona cigars. They smoked and drank the lot.

Now I am mourning the loss of my gin and cigars in the only way I know how. Thinking about naked ladies. I like small but nicely shaped breasts as I find big breasts sag when the bra is removed, bums however I like nice and peachy as long as they don't sag. How do you like your ladies/gentlemen naked?
( Peej, Thu 17 Dec 2009, 7:47, 27 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Secrete, Santa
So I have been roped into (all right, I agreed) the office Secret Santa. If you were a Liverpudlian girl who lives alone with 3 dogs, which "no more than £5" gift would you want -

1. Kung Fu Panda DVD
2. Mini-Multitool keyring
3. £5 worth of chocolate
4. Other

?
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 17 Dec 2009, 0:00, 9 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

HSH


Apparently, it's going to snow this week, or already has. Do you have any, b3tans, or has it all melted?
( Maladicta, Wed 16 Dec 2009, 19:27, 53 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

What do you do on a Wednesday evening?
I really struggle to find things to do, it's only midweek so I dont really want to go down the pub (and i'm still recovering from my tuesday evening snooker & beer sesh). Also, there is sod-all on telly.

So what do you do to beat the mid-week blues?

Edit - c'mon you fuckers, I go home in 5 mins, tell me what you are doing tonight

Edit 2 - Right, you're all rubbish and because of your lame ass suggestions i'm going to have to sit at home with the remains of a tin of Roses (I know all the best ones have gone, just toffees left) and watch harry-fucking-potter on DVD. I may or may not crack one out over Hermione (she's legal now? Right?)
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 16 Dec 2009, 16:47, 50 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Celebrity crush?
I'm quite partial to Colbie Caillat. She may not be a huge celebrity but I think she's ace. Pretty voice, lovely music.
( Lisette von Falcon, Wed 16 Dec 2009, 16:34, 26 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Songs that appear
on Xmas compilations that are about as Christmassy as the summer olympics.

5: Robbie Williams - Angels
4: Robbie Williams - Angels
3: Robbie Williams - Angels
2: Robbie Williams - Angels
1: Robbie Williams - Angels
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 16 Dec 2009, 15:08, 8 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Top 5 songs that make me feel festive
5: Bing Crosby - White Christmas
4: John and Yoko - Merry Christmas (War is Over)
3: Aled Jones - Walking in the Air
2: Wizzard - I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday
1: Slade - Merry Christmas Everybody
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 16 Dec 2009, 15:07, 29 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

This morning I pooed al fresco
It was liberating. And also very cold.

What have you done today that you haven't done for, Hmmmm, how long has it been, almost two years to the day.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 16 Dec 2009, 14:08, 154 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

My dad has just opened the Quality street tin he gets every year for work.
I'm not a chocoholic and I have some Aero in my fridge at home that's been there untouched for a week. So why can't I stop my self from dipping in the tin every five minutes and eating them?

I feel sick.
( girlinthehole, Wed 16 Dec 2009, 13:19, 96 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

It's only ruddy bloody snowing outside!!
Ooooooh Christmas, Christmas, Christmas

How are you doing today, my lovely B3tans?
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Wed 16 Dec 2009, 11:09, 52 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Consumer law.
I bought a mobile yesterday, on a contract. However, the shop later phoned, and told me they had made a mistake. For what I'd paid, I was due an inferior phone.
The tariff was clearly displayed, only the price ticket had been wrongly placed. This was after I'd signed the contract/credit agreement. They gave me a sd card for pissing me about however.
Surely, if something is displayed at a price, they are legally obliged to sell it at that? I argued for ages but they wouldn't budge, saying they were allowed to make a reasonable mistake.
It's not a lot of money, tbh, but it's the principle of the thing. Plus, I like complaining.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Wed 16 Dec 2009, 10:43, 12 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

My wifes Gran just died
Christmas is going to be uber fun in the Marshall household
( Peej, Wed 16 Dec 2009, 10:22, 17 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Warm and fuzzy feelings...
This is really nice - personalised video messages (sort of - you fill in the details) from Santa.

Kids loved it and were freaked into good behaviour, wife nearly cried - but best of all you can add really naughty words to his book.

portablenorthpole.tv
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 16 Dec 2009, 10:02, 14 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Good News!

Today is my last day in the office before I tootle off to Barcelona for early Christmas with some amigos. I love Barca and could happily live there if the language learning centre of my brain wasn't such a mong.

But, where would you like to live and why?
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 16 Dec 2009, 9:36, 72 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

My first griddle pan recipe!
I put a chicken breast in a sandwich bag, added soy sauce, minced garlic (about 2 teaspoons), crushed red peppers, seasoned pepper and mixed it all up in a bag and put it in the refrigerator for an hour.

I then cooked it on a medium heat around 8 minutes each side.

Result in reply!
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Wed 16 Dec 2009, 7:27, 9 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I don't like the mental images that come from this.
news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/wear/8413974.stm
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Wed 16 Dec 2009, 1:20, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2009/dec/15/italian-student-police-arrest-filming

(fibonacci_cunt cunt, cunt, cuntcunt, cuntcuntcunt,..., Tue 15 Dec 2009, 22:35, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Oh yay!
I just went to the office in my apartment complex to renew my lease, they gave me a $30 a month rent reduction after I pointed out that the rent on the same size apartments are now cheaper than what I pay.

Score!

And joy of joys, my griddle pan came!
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Tue 15 Dec 2009, 22:30, Reply)