Parents say the funniest things
Last Friday
Me: I have to go and post the stuff I sold on ebay on Monday
Mum (in all seriousness): Oh if you want I can get you some boxes from work?
Me: DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT I DO!?*

work in a box factory for those that don't

What stupid things have you or family said recently? Alternatively as Al isn't here lets say mean things about him and his big fat face

KITTY STOP STARTING THREADS AT THE SAME TIME AS ME ARHJGHHGGHHGGHGHGHGH
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 17 May 2010, 16:22, 9 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Every OT's favourite subject: food
I'm trying to think of unusual cupcake combinations to try out on people, any ideas? Obviously not too weird, like anchovies and strawberry *cough* Caveduck *cough*, but like toffee and lime or peanut butter and raspberry.

What's your favourite kind of cake?
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 17 May 2010, 16:22, 151 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

New London buses
news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/london/8685486.stm
Nice though they are they'll still smell of urine and contain chavs saying, "Yes blood." while their phones blare out tinny, bad music.

Still, the mayor said it has a "stylish, swooshing exterior". Swooshy things are always better aren't they? People of That Big London: bus or tube?
( djtrialprice, Mon 17 May 2010, 15:22, 100 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

For those of you that knew her but don't frequent /board much...
Jessie was killed this morning.

:(
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Mon 17 May 2010, 14:20, 26 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

help
I have a monumental hangover and really need to start feeling better very quickly. Any ideas? I tried the chip shop lunch - managed a third of them and have had lots of tea. Sleep not an option at my desk.............
(Purpledoris I've got afeckin' job, Mon 17 May 2010, 14:09, 88 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

The weather's getting warmer, I'm getting thinner and even my boss is in a good mood.
What's changes in your life have you noticed recently?
( girlinthehole, Mon 17 May 2010, 12:36, 181 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

The most peculiar email I've received for quite some time
In my inbox this morning:
"Hi,

If you are beaming interstellar radio messages into the universe for your scientific experiments, you may consider using any or all of the information provided in my email signature or the attached PDF document (including my own photos). I would like to let the ETs know of my existence. We may be able to make contact with highly intelligent and advanced space-faring alien civilizations with time travel capability one day and perhaps request them to give all mankind immortality from the very beginning of human civilization. If alien lifeforms can reach us, they probably travel faster than the speed of light or transit through worm holes.

Thank you very much for your attention and consideration,"

Followed by links to various photos of the fellow and a run-down of his details, even down to his blood group, and, best of all,
"DNA Sequence: I have not tested it yet (as at 13 May 2010 Thursday)."

Did anyone else receive this? Is this a very cleverly disguised viral scam or is this bloke completely off his rocker? Either way, I found this quite amusing...
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 17 May 2010, 10:56, 103 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Themed Restaurants
Your ideas for new themed restaurants, please. Preferably with a really rubbish pun in the name.

Wok & Roll All Nite - Kiss themed Chinese restaurant where you're served Cold Gin by a waitress named Beth. Dress Code: Dressed To Kill with full Kiss style make up.

Thai Me Up, Thai Me Down - Thai Food, Pedro Almodovar films and a dungeon in the basement. All the key elements of a good night out.
(Cave Duck, Mon 17 May 2010, 10:48, 59 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I might be way behind the times
but did anyone else know that if you click on the "latest was # minutes ago" bit it takes you to that post?

I had no idea it was a link
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 17 May 2010, 10:00, 41 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I am SO going to this:
news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/london/8686207.stm

I'm going to try to steal an exhibit, and all.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 17 May 2010, 9:51, 12 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I have a small collection of beer injuries.
Despite not going out with the intention of getting horrendously battered, that's what happened on Saturday night. After we left the pub my friend thought it would be a good idea to rugby-tackle me to the cold hard tarmac in front of a police car, my glasses flew off and I landed awkwardly. They were all like 'Hey!' and I was like 'It's ok, he might look like a cunt but he's actually my friend,' and they were like 'OK, but keep your bloody noise down.' I have a badly-bruised knee and grazes all over my left arm.

What did you get up to this weekend, and what's your worst alcohol-related injury? Edit: top-class Monday mongism, it's my right arm.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 17 May 2010, 8:56, 65 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Morning Domestic Bliss.
*Gets up, goes to bathroom, returns.*

Me: Can you give me a hand with this?
She: A hand with what?
Me: *Flings open dressing gown.* This HUGE erection!
She: *Laughs uncontrollably.*
Me: I'll go and make breakfast then.

Inappropriate laughter anyone?
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 17 May 2010, 7:04, 32 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Al must be crying his eyes out
RJD died this afternoon from stomach cancer.

RIP.
(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Sun 16 May 2010, 22:19, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

So following on from the Baguette and Epis related success of yesterday today i shall be attempting Pain Beaucaire.
What bread related joy have you experienced lately?
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Sun 16 May 2010, 8:12, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

This isn't fair
Top Gun on E4 and Die Hard on C4, I don't know what to watch.

I'll let you peeps vote for me!
(bill, Sat 15 May 2010, 22:19, 16 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

ebay experts required
I shall keep it brief. sold my blown up motor, guys (3 of them, albanians though not sure if this is relevant) turned up, hassled me about price offered me 60 quid less than winning bid but got them to agree a compromise of 150 against the original 180. what is the correct action?
(Purpledoris I've got afeckin' job, Sat 15 May 2010, 21:35, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

It's 10.30am and I am drinking wine.
What you doing?
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Sat 15 May 2010, 18:31, 64 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I have been asked if I fancy doing some teaching in a CASTLE in September
I am extremely excited at this prospect.

What's the most exciting place you'd like to work?
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Sat 15 May 2010, 15:44, 26 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Just to save me from getting up early.
Good mornin beautiful
how was your night
mine was wonderful.

Not the whole chorus but meh.

I drank lots of Woods Navy Rum last nioght, what's your excuse?
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Sat 15 May 2010, 0:43, 46 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I'm currently DJing a classic rock night
It hasn't really got going yet. Which gives me licence to use the club as my own personal fucking huge speaker system. Faith No More. Land of Sunshine. Oh yes.

That is all.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 14 May 2010, 22:33, 23 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Missed
I missed the thread earlier about what are we doing this weekend.

This weekend ... I'm getting married. Tomorrow.

"Butterflies"? Hell, yes.
(JohntheDane, Fri 14 May 2010, 20:11, 21 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I would just like to thank Kitty O'Hara
For the Akabussi link in one of the threads of today. I can no longer access b3ta at work and it's just as well, for I would have surely been subjected to odd stares from collegues as I collapsed in a heaving, weeping pile of mirth. Trying to explain my way out of that one would have been tricky.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 14 May 2010, 17:46, 21 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I am going now
But I am leaving you all with this:

If you search "Awooga" in google images with the safe search off, a very very bizarre tattoo comes up.

Goodnight all!! And well done to Kitty for her thread victory. I expect the pole dancing pics gazzed over to me by morning
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 14 May 2010, 16:44, 11 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I am writing my objectives for next year
I have lots of corporate and personal development ones, but what do you, B3ta OT, think should be my objectives for next year?
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 14 May 2010, 16:03, 14 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Holy crap on a stick
I was just channel hopping and on CBBC there was a programme called Big Babies (available on iPlayer)with grown up heads imposed on baby bodies and freaky talking toys and something I'd expect to see on BBC3 at 10pm.

What's freaked you out recently? Or what freaky things are you doing this weekend?

Oh crap Kitty beat me to it but her post has no mention of creepy babies with adult heads so I win
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 14 May 2010, 16:01, 17 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Just over an hour to go before the weekend
so it's customary to ask what you're all doing this weekend.

Tomorrow I have to go to a housewarming barbecue, an engagement party and then a birthday party, all in one night. I'm hoping for some kind of Saved By The Bell madcap capers when I get them all the wrong way around.

EDIT: I'm also going to do a voodoo dance with some creepy babies with adult heads. Take that TGB!

MORE EDIT: If my thread gets more replies than TGB's I'll post pictures of me and Applebite in filthy pole dancing poses. I may or may not have her permission for this.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 14 May 2010, 16:00, 67 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Now we've established the backing track to the greatest hits of your life,
What would actually be included in the montage?
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 14 May 2010, 14:37, 135 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

No reply necessary.
My son hates me and wants me dead. How do I know?

He brought me kebab meat and chips for lunch.

He reckons the way to my heart is a well trodden path.

Good lad.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Fri 14 May 2010, 13:31, 40 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Do we have
Any Supernatural fans present? Raise your hand please. Where are you lot up to? Cos I just watched the season five finale, and Oh my godhgfhjdkdfhjdh *gibbers in a heap*

For the rest of you without taste, what song would you have as a background to a montage of the greatest hits of your life?
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 14 May 2010, 12:36, 147 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

It's time for the B3ta yearbook.
Applications for B3tans 'most likey to' please.

Of course Darth Foxtrot will be Prom Queen.

Porkylips - most likely to die of boredom.
Monty - most likely to marry his crazy ex girlfriend and live happy ever after.
Big-girl's-blouse - most likely to be jailed for stalking a celebrity.

Any more?
( girlinthehole, Fri 14 May 2010, 12:23, 155 replies, latest was 16 years ago)