Work poo
A friend of mine in my workplace insists that one should never defacate in the workplace unless "you've got your timings all wrong, like". I think this is because he has a one-year-old son and only when shitting is he ever given a moment's peace at home.

I am firmly of the opinion that work poos should be encouraged, as it represents the only time when you get paid to drop the kids off at the pool. Unless you're a childminder.

Where do you stand on this contentious topic? Also; what is the best, most entertaining way possible for the upcoming and nigh-on unavoidable series of the X Factor to end? Get creative, people
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 23 Jul 2010, 12:59, 76 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I don't mean to bring everybody down
But I can't hold it in any longer.

Last night I dreamt I was dying.
I was getting weaker and my motor skills were failing.
I was on the phone to my mum trying to tell her I was sorry for dying on her, but my speech was failing, and I was trying to get someone else to read out a list of things I needed to tell her.
It sucked.

But when I woke up all freaked out I realised I had one of the bf's t-shirts on and I felt better, like someone was there. Tigger was no help.

Freaky dream thread!
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 23 Jul 2010, 11:57, 188 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Tie a yellow ribbon round the ... oh I say ...

Looks like somebody got confused between "old oak tree" and "shrivelled flesh-twig". Mild confusion being
the least of their problems ... www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-sussex-10715115

I saw this a couple of days ago, and since nobody on here's mentioned it at all, I wondered.

Is this is work of a b3tan, and if so, which one?

AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, WHY IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS RIGHT AND PROPER WOULD ANYBODY DO THIS?

*calms down*

Alternatively, anyone having chipolatas for lunch?
(BrianHequator was stretching owls, on, or around, Fri 23 Jul 2010, 11:56, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

In my on-going quest for pics of young B3tans on the internet, I have found one of young Darth with his daddy.
theberry.com/2010/07/20/if-theres-a-parenting-handbook-they-didnt-read-it-18-photos/parent-fail-4/
( girlinthehole, Fri 23 Jul 2010, 10:42, 106 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Good, Better, Best
I often think that it is the fine differences and judgements that say so much about us. A bit like the old line that the Leninists hate the Trotskyists far more than they do the fascists. I don't care if someone thinks that Roxette are a better band than The Stranglers but can't bear the thought of anyone thinking that The Clash are.
So anyway, some lets have some of your examples. The subject and the graduations used are entirely up to you.
I'll start us off with a couple.

Current Tories
Smug: David Cameron
Smuger: George Osborne
Smuggist: William Hague

Female BBC News Presenters
Oh Yeah: Susanna Reid
Oh Yeah-er: Reeta Chakrabarti
Oh Yeah-ist: Emily Maitlis
(Cave Duck, Fri 23 Jul 2010, 10:28, 17 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Good morning!
Today is, in fact, a good morning.

Mark woke me up bringing some nice breakfast to the bed (mmmm... crumpets) and then we had some good sexy time. Is there a better way to wake up?

Today is Friday, and so I only have to work until 1pm. Then down to Woking and Worthing for the weekend, looking for a flat, walking on the beach, meeting some friends in London, visiting Mark's parents (lovely people)

I'm so happy that not even work can upset me.

Are you happy today?
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Fri 23 Jul 2010, 8:19, 258 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Evening all
So what are folks up to tonight?
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 21:06, 258 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

On the train back home
Not posted for months due to no internet in my student slum. There's not even a microwave. If there's no microwave there's not going to be internet.

Alas, I love train journeys. I love ploughing through a book in my own little world where everyone else can do one. A great place for watching films as well. Or so I thought. I got booted off at Darlington for not having both parts of my railcard, although the only reason the inspector came over is because some old mess of a woman complained I was watching an unsuitable film next to her kid.

Since when was watching Trainspotting next to a six or seven year old girl some sort of a social no no is what I'd like to know.

I've been moved thrice on this new train and am close to poking the young lad opposite me in the eye. He seems nice enough but I'm bored and could do with a laugh. Anyroad, what do you enjoy that has been ruined for you lately?
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 19:19, 32 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Boo
I missed my 2nd B3taday.

I'm annoyed now!
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 17:04, 40 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Buf
You're giving me a headache now.

Again.

Last one (I'm going home soon)

Let's see...

Which thing you read here or heard from a b3tan has made you laugh more?
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 22 Jul 2010, 16:38, 22 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Oh, people
You're talkative today, aren't you? There's no way to keep Bert happy like this.

Right, one more.

B3tans that annoy you / make you happy and why.

Go!
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 22 Jul 2010, 15:56, 166 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

100! 100! A new one, quick
Talk about which things you do to make other b3tans happy. Go!
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 22 Jul 2010, 15:23, 130 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Oh, look
100+ replies. New threat.

Talk about what you like to do to annoy some b3tans.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:37, 168 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

100+ replies, so I'm starting a new thread
Some of you may have noticed that I'm somewhat irresistible to the ladies of B3ta. I can't fight destiny anymore, and I can't help being a ladykiller, so I've formulated a plan;

Becky, as the frumpiest and most bitter lady of Off Topic, will be my main wife. On Mondays she will spend her whole day nagging at me until I shut her up with blistering hot, mega sex.
Applebite, as a very attractive, somewhat 'fun' young lady, you shall be my saturday girl, cheering up my weekends with blistering hot drunken mega sex.
Lampito, being somewhat rotund and mentally unstable shall do my dishes on Tuesdays, and provide blistering hot mega sex.
Kitty, because you're a bit average and blah, you can run the hoover around on wednesdays and I might give you the odd throw-down when I choose to.
Aberracion, I want you to be my cook.

Now, is there anyone I've missed?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 13:47, 202 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I hate coming out of a meeting to find that all the threads have got shitloads of replies
makes it much harder to swing the conversation round so it's about me.

What are you having for lunch?

Mine's moroccan chicken soup
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 12:39, 123 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Did you see the news item about the whale which breached onto a yacht
and broke the mast? Quite dramatic.

But what about the picture? Apparently some tourist had snapped a shot of the whale emerging from the water a fraction of a second before hitting the boat. Seems a bit unlikely to me.

Opinions please. Real or Photoshop? And if it's real, I think I'd be trying to cash in on a shot like that, not giving it to the tour guide!

Alt q: when was the last time you swam in the sea?
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 12:37, 11 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I've just upgraded my phone
and I am off to see inception shortly, then I am having an amazing risotto for dinner then I am going to see some awesome people tomorrow!

I just thought you would all enjoy a non moaning post from me as they don't happen very often ever.

Girly Q: I've been epliating my legs for a while and I am still getting a bit of a rash, will this ever stop?:

Manly Q: What's the biggest thing you've ever killed with your bare hands *grrr*?
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 11:19, 145 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I want that back
I want that back please
Getting the tent out last night ready for this weekends surfing trip and I found my ex girlfriends hoody and a flip flop inside. Thinking of ringing her to get it back to her I realised she still has my sunglasses, Mighty Boosh DVD, a couple of xbox games and my watch. Seeing as things ended pretty dramatically between us I thought screw it I'll write it off.

What things have you lost to your exes?

Alt Q: Best/Worst break up?
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 10:28, 190 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Saw Sepultura last night
They were most impressive considering that the bassist looks like he'd rather be at home in front of the fire with a packet of Werther's Originals. DJ'd an afterparty at the venue which Derrick Green was good enough to attend. He's lovely. Considerably less terrifying in real life than he looks onstage.

Anyway, this got me to thinking, for some bizarre reason, what's the best guitar riff of all time? It's not by Sepultura. Sorry Derrick.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 9:47, 145 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Moooooornin
I'm up really early, for some bizarre reason.
So I've taken the opportunity to do some of the chores I'd otherwise have had to do tomorrow before trekking southward to see my lad. (It's been almost three weeks!)
I'm also going to get into work early and that like.

How have you surprised yourself recently?
And please keep your fingers crossed that I do not have to pay for this extra time by being killed in a train-crash or summat
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 7:16, 100 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I just found this on a forum I use. Who do you write like?
www.iwl.me/b/b3a26720

Insert a passage of text that you've written from your blog, here, unfinished novel, dissertation etc... and it tells you whose style you most resemble.

I got Stephen King and Anne Rice.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 22:39, 45 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Vippers’ Squirrel Venture II – a review, by that there Monty off of the World Wide Web
Last time I reviewed the first part of this marvellous prog-out, I wrote it like a proper review, so this time I am posting my notes in chronological order as looking at them they seem quite funny. To me.
1. Hawkwind noises!
2. Deep Purple (drums beefed up compared with part 1, vg)
3. Nice 12-string style breakdown
4. 70s heavy riffage [BEST BIT SO FAR!]
5. Nice restrained, tasteful solo
6. BACKWARDS GUITAR (three ticks)
7. Psych-out, Page-ish acoustic trip with Hawks-ish ambience
8. Nice buildup into Supernautish bit
9. Comedy harmonics!
10. Mellow psych
11. Dance beat, quite hypnotic, Banshees-esque for some reason. Good stuff – doesn’t sound like ‘guitar band goes dance’
12. Ooh – doomy!
13. Bit ‘grunge’, my least fave so far – I’d have gone Morricone here which it nearly does
14. TRACTOR!
15. Metal meltdown: skills
16. Gay piano jazz

It's a triumph - production-wise leaps and bounds ahead of its predecessor and even stronger in the tunes department. If the guitarist could only stop being such a horrific bottom-wrangler these chaps have WHAT IT TAKES.

EDIT I'm not expecting any replies to this (apart from 'why?'), don't worry.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 21:21, 30 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

A Great Day!
So today I've had a great day, I went to visit my old flat and to clean it for the next tenants and met my old aged neighbour next door. I've not seen him for a couple of years as I've been living abroad, he has got much older (physically as he is now in his eighties) than I remember and he wasn't living in the best conditions. All his family have past away now and he is quite alone.

I spent a couple of hours with him chatting and hearing about how he is instead of doing my cleaning and then I went to the local supermarket and spent £75 on groceries, toiletries and a bottle of whisky for him.

I hope he feels better and I'm hoping that there is some of the whisky left tomorrow! I also am arranging a decorator and have ads up to rent the flat so I achieved some of my tasks too and its sunny.

What great things have you done today?

Alt Q - When did you last do something for someone that really made them smile?
( b3tz, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 20:19, 10 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

helllloooooooooo
I'm wondering if many of you do things out in public by yourselves?
I only go shopping by myself, but I wouldn't eat alone in a restaurant by myself or go to the movies alone.
Would you?

I'm really wanting to go to the Robyn concert but I don't know of anyone that would go so I'm playing with the idea of going alone. Would you or have you been to a concert alone?
I also have a week off work coming up and am thinking of going somewhere by myself.
Have you ever?

Alt. q: Favorite plant?
( Lisette von Falcon, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 18:25, 66 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Oh fucking hell
One of the guys in my office has just bought his smoking hot Cantonese girlfriend in. Do you think I can get away with a crafty wank under the desk?
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 16:45, 95 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Nothing to do...
I can't think of any more relevant sorts of analysis to do on my data at work (lots of DNA sequences) for a while. Any ideas for completely inappropriate and silly things to do with it to look like I'm working until I get my next results back?
( Labmonkey last thought about having another coffee on, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 15:37, 15 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Admit it.
Go on, admit to something you have done or thought that you have kept to yourself, up until now. The seedier and more depraved the better.

Me, well........I know listening to commercial radio can do strange things to a person. So it came as little surprise when I found myself being strangely drawn to ocean going fashion bender, Mark Ronson's latest musical excreta, 'Bang, Bang Bang'. It is by far and away the most interestingly put together pop song i've heard in a long time, and I even you tubed the video.

I feel dirty and used and am considering cutting the skin between my thumb and finger with some scissors by way of a punishment.



*shames*
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 15:21, 303 replies, latest was 16 years ago)