Err...
I once had to wee in a massive patch of nettles. Nuff said.
(and now for someone completely different, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 12:29, Reply)

Cheesy Wotsit
Not me, but.....

After an lenghty game of hide the sausage with his ladyfriend, and using up a large amount of calories in the process, my mate gets the munchies and pops downstairs to the kitchen to pop on some cheese on toast. The post-coital snack preparation is going well, but it's taking some time, so ladyfriend pops down to see what's going on. Seeing my friend's naked bottom was too much for the poor girl and she gives it a friendly slap....

Unfortunately, my friend didn't see this coming and jolts foward in suprise, jamming his cock and balls into the hot grill. I'm not going into the details but hot cheese sticks like edible napalm.

Cheesy wotsit, indeed.
(Mr Broadtrousers, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 12:28, Reply)

When I was a teenager
my mum used to teach mentally handicapped people. Unfortunately for her she managed to pick up scabies from someone in the group, and being as this is very contagious our whole household had to be treated at the same time to help prevent reinfection.

So, my mum brings this large bottle of benzyl benzoate lotion home and we're told that we need to cover our bodies with it. Leave it for a while, shower it off and do the same the next day.

Now after a bit of research I'd read that scabies could be particularly nasty in the genital areas and arm pits. So amred with this knowledge I proceded to apply ample amounts of this cool white lotion to my body, making sure that my groin and pits get sufficient attention.

Within 5 minutes I feel like someone is holding a blow-torch to my bollocks. I filled the sink with cold water and dangled my nuts in it while I could but was soon overwhelmed by the pain and collapsed in a foetal whimpering mass on the floor.

I have broken and crushed dozens of bones in the past but I would still rank this as one of the most painful experiences of my life :(
( Fenris temporary Lazarus, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 12:09, Reply)

Boxes And Sacks
I play cricket and there's always a danger of that small red ball doing some damage. And it did one day to my friend in a championship decider. He was hit square in the Judge Crackers by a bowler who was bowling about 80-85MPH. Even with the protector box in place, he didn't get up for about five minutes and went all squeaky voiced for the rest of the day.

Also, my brother and his pal jumped a farmers fence one day and said pal ripped that area clean open, so much so that both sacs(?) fell out. Ouch. My response on brother phoning from hospital to explain the incident was "That'll be the child benefit out the question then".
(Rob Roy The Postie is looking for alternative employment, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 11:52, Reply)

Archery like a girl
Went along after much encouragement from beloved. Nearly twanged my left nipple off on two separate occasions having been instructed by a very sweet but naive 15 year old boy who had shown me the correct stance....if I were a bloke....rather than a not ungifted in the top drawer lady. Now that really arsing hurt.
(Siouxfan I'm not staring at you, I am just short sighted, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 11:48, Reply)

Ouch... That had to hurt....
Okay so not me hurting my rude bits but rather me hurting someone else's...
When I was a kid (about 8 or something?) for some reason I turned to my then best mate and came out with the line that some of you may recognise "look into my eye's", when he did i very quickly kneed him full on in his betty swallox. He ended up on the floor bloody quick as you would in all fairness struggling to breathe while at the same time trying to cry. I found this highly amusing while his dad who was watching from across the road didn't so much. Yeah I know wasn't nice but I was only a kid at the time.

Another thing that springs to mind is a lad (who we shall refer to as Gaz) that we knew of who had a real nasty accident. He was playing footy one day when some other kids came along and for whatever reason the ball ended up in the tree, well Gaz climbed the tree threw his ball down but as he did lost his balance and fell out of the tree, unfortunately for him there was some sort of spiked fence right under him, from what I heard at the time fell on fence, fence impaled testicle. Testicle came off or was removed? and artificial one put in its place. Did see him one time after that at the swimming pool where I asked him if he had an artificial one to which he replied "no it's plastic"...
(pissed_squirrel, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 11:41, Reply)

not me but a pal, honest
my pal wasnt very sexually active, but nonetheless he thought he had genital warts, due to the one big big yellow lump on his sack. one rushed trip to the doctors later and he was hurriedly reffered to the GUM (genito-urethral medicine) clinic for assessment.

so, at the clap doctors, the pretty nurse takes him into a room, examines the lad and says "ah, no...thats not a wart, its just a blocked pore - its really just a big spot"

thinking he'd got of lightly, my pals mood perked up. until the pretty nurse said "...but seeing as your obviously putting yourself in the way of genital warts we should get you sorted"

cue the barbed earbud down the lad, and various horrendously painful scrapings. all the while, this pretty nurse - who turned out to be from his home town - was aksing him about people they both knew.

"is that your mum? i must tell her i was speaking to you next time i see her"

hee hee. he told me this in confidence too.
(big fat lazy man on a sofa is giving his piles a bloody good clawing, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 11:37, Reply)

There's a moral here somewhere...
A little while ago I was a single floozy around town and was accustomed to having the odd one-night stand. Some of these were great fun whilst others were grim affairs which I would not have embarked on sober.

One such liaison involved a man who I shall christen Spitting Nick for his habit of spitting both on my face and on my bits while shagging me (unfortunately I didn't learn my lesson the first time and had three different nights with him-why oh why?!?!?).

I didn't like this but he didn't seem to care. It turned me off quite a lot in fact, so much so that it made my otherwise err juicy bits quite dry. Again- he didn't seem to care.

Spitting Nick humped away at me for quite some time while I was dry and not really enjoying it- I was trying really hard to moan and groan in the hope that it would turn him on so much that he'd come quickly and get off me as it was really beginning to chafe, my poor labia don't like being rubbed by a dry condom-clad erection!

Anyway he finally finished and I made up some rubbish about being busy so I could get rid of him. I had a bath and felt a throbbing tenderness in my left labia, I tentatively put a hand to it and it felt weird, a bit bigger than usual. I had a look and it was slightly redder than the other, I was hungover and didn't really pay much attention beyond this.

On getting dressed and going downstairs for T4 and toast I sat down on a hard chair only to spontaneously burst into tears, my lady lips hurt A LOT!!

Much to my flatmates' amusement I went upstairs for a proper examination and was confronted by what can only be described as a bright purple sausage where my right 'lip' should have been. It looked JUST like a baboon's arse during mating season.

So now he's known as 'Spitting Nick who broke my minge', he'd be so proud if he knew!!!

My only regret is that even though my friends begged me to, I didn't take a picture...
(chemgirl, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 11:33, Reply)

thickies school indoor cricket :)
Because I was more academically gifted over the "sports only" group, I was placed in the sports for the slower kids segment which 90% of the time was designated indoors. There were a few of us who were quite able to play footie etc though, so it wasn't so bad really.

One particular week, we had indoor cricket with a tennis ball. 6 if you hit the back wall without bouncing, 4 if it bounces, 1 run for every time you hit the ball. Our team are 15 runs away from winning, and I'm last in batting. I think "Sod this energy malarky" and proceed to block every single bowl which comes towards me. The fielders work this out, and all huddle up in front of me, literally about 3 foot away in a line, hoping for the catch-out. It's at this time where I decide to change tactics slightly, and I twatted the next bowl as hard as I could (I almost threw the bat with it).

A guy called Sian was the closest, and managed to catch the tennis ball with his bollocks. For a second. Before he dropped the ball, and rolled across the floor vomiting.

I was not-out, and won for teh lads as everyone backed off after that :D
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 11:29, Reply)

Skateboarding.
During the first wave of skateboarding in the 70's, I had the misfortune to pick up an injury that threatened my ability to have kids.

I'd gotten a hold of a skateboard and was trying to learn how to use it. I used to practise on a long concrete path that had quite a severe slope to it. This particular day I started at the top and shoved off.

As I glided down the path I started to pick up speed. Faster and faster and suddenly I was belting down the path so that everything was going past me in a blur. I was in a little bit of trouble as I hadn’t the slightest idea how to stop. So I did what came naturally. I jumped off.

Mistake. My forward momentum was so much that, as soon as my feet hit the ground I was propelled forward at a hell of a lick.

Now try to picture this in you minds eye. My feet hit the ground. Momentum forced me forward so that I my head started to come down towards the ground and my legs started to life above me. I completed a beautiful mid-air forward somersault and, with my legs wide apart, came crashing to a sudden stop with my legs on either side of a lamp post with my knackers taking the full impact.

I was off school for a week and talked like a Smurf for the next month..

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 11:24, Reply)

Phirmosis
Many moons ago, a young and sexually precocious man named Chexworth found he could not do it with the ladies.

The reason? Phirmosis - an excess of foreskin. A fact discovered during the already nerve-wracking act of virginity loss, not helped by the lady in question, eight years his senoir and in possesion of levels of tact that make Prince Phillip look like the head of the Commission for Racial Equality, saying: 'You need to get that checked out' before donning her clothes and walking out.

Now, young Chexworth went for a consultation only to be told that he would have to wait nearly 7 months for his op (a popular proceedure amongst those of the Jewish faith.)

During this time he met and fell for a very nice French girl who, after several abortive attempts at the physical act of love, broke up with him citing 'no real specific reason' for her actions.

Cue Mr Chexworth's decent into emo levels of desperation and despair - not helped by the fact that the surgeon chose her cases on a priority basis and didn't regard his problem as particularly life-threatening. Only after an abusive call from the young man's mother telling her that he had now become clinically depressed and was self-harming did she conclude that perhaps it was more of a priority for him than she'd first imagined.

An appointment was arranged within a few weeks and the surgeon - the delightfully monikered Dr Blades (unfortuantely she didn't have the Edward Scissorhands I had expected) performed the operation.

Cue many weeks of agonising recovery including:
-A friendly nurse being told to 'Shut the fuck up and concentrate' as she tried to make conversation while examining little Chexworth, an act which caused levels of pain which made bright lights dance in his vision.
-the removal of the bandages in a salt bath where the young man got his first look at his butchered appendage (black and swollen and resembling nothing of the mighty device of his memory) and laughing out loud in a way reminiscient of the scene where the Joker first asks for the mirror in Batman.
-waking in the middle of the night with the pleasantly warm sensation of what is euphimistically described as 'morning glory', only for that to be replaced by the screaming agony as stiches pop and blood soaks the sheets.

All in all, an unpleasant experience, both physically and psychologically.

But it's many years later and all's well - and i've done it with lots of girls now.


No apologies - surgically enhanced for length, girth and performance.
(Chexworth will one day make Yoko Matsugane his bride..., Fri 14 Jul 2006, 11:21, Reply)

This is the funniest QoTW for a while, isn't it?
Alas, I've only got one story and it's not very good. It was far too wordy when I first typed it, so here's the quick version, in handy bullet points for your convenience:

* - Work do
* - Drinking in Northampton - bit pissed.
* - Shots bar; went for the hot spicy chilli one from hell
* - nearly puked
* - had a wee
* - cock started burning from chilli drink on hands
* - hilarious consequences
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 11:20, Reply)

Not Cricket
Long time lurker, first time poster.

Yeas ago when i was a youngun at school, we were playing cricket in the school hall as it was raining outside. Class spazz is Batting, swings for the ball like he is playing basball, misses the ball, lets go of the bat, bat flies through the air and twats me straight on the helmet!! Cue crumpling to the floor in agony, and howls of laughter from classmates.

Worse: Helmet or Balls? Discuss
(Hendrix73, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 11:17, Reply)

me mate from the days of Secondary School
A few of us were sitting outside a ground-floor school lab waiting for our physics class to begin. We were sitting on some plastic chairs, just talking bollocks as per, and one chair was left alone. This was because the plastic seat had snapped from the metal leg supports underneath it, and the chair was leaning comfortably on a window leading into the school garden.

Cue Fuller, who at the time was alot heavier than he is now (thanks to Quincey disorder putting him in hospital twice this year, he's lost 8 stone in 12 months). He walks around the corner, says "Alreet" and sits down on the chair. We would've stopped him, but being school kids we wanted to see what would happen first. He plonks his arse on the chair, which quickly causes the legs to slide forward and Fuller to fall arse-first through the window.

Fuller scrambled out of the glass, not actually hurting that much actually. He stands up and turns around to see the glass window smashed, leaving a perfect arse-outline in the window. Was like one of those cartoons with the Wile-Y-Coyote outline :)
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 11:02, Reply)

I feel I shall be posting many for this qotw..
as I remember them!

Once whilst recieving oral-pleasures from a young-lady - my foreskin inverted. It was "inside out", which wouldn't have been a problem, but it had "dried" like that. So it was stuck. It was very painful to weeeee and tear-enducingly painful to pull back.

Being a manly man I decided to just go to sleepy - things fix themselves when you are asleep - but alas it did not. I had to stand there slowly unravelling my foreskin, it was very very painful as it was stuck to the point you couldn't even tell if was all folded over :(
( stevierar, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 11:00, Reply)

Wanking Woe
When I lost my virginity as a first year student, I embarked on a 3 month shagging binge. Literally sleeping with anything. The last one I picked up from the kebab shop at half 12, and she came back to mine, exposed her breasts, and demanded for me to go in bareback with some lubrication. Being VERY sexually inexperienced at the time, I had no form of lubrication. I ran downstairs, grabbed the communal bottle of fairly liquid (citrus), and took it back upstairs.

Then commenced 10-15 minutes of foreplay involving smearing the washing up detergent on my cock and inserting the large bottle up her bone dry vagina.

Once that was done, I had a pretty amazing shag considering the cirumstances. Afterwards, she left, and promised to call me.

She never did.

The next morning I woke up and went for a piss. I had not cleaned the fairy liquid/fanny juice off my cock, and it had chemically reacted to form a thin layer of acidic skin around my cock. By piercing it with piss, it pulled on the skin, causing it to tear off.

Never again.
(rhyswynne - on every social network mullarkey known to man, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 10:57, Reply)

Dont ever climb trees!
Aged about 11, I was daring and naive to say the least. Away on holiday at my Grandad's holiday home in Ireland, me and the neighbour decided to climb the trees at the end of the garden.

These trees were tall, Probably about 40ft high, and we were having a whale of a time at about 35ft up.

Out of no-where the wind decides it wants to join us and starts blowing a gale, so there's me and my friend frantically trying to climb down these dangerously swaying trees.

Cue crappy trainers that mothers buy children missing the branch I was climbing down onto, branch on other foot breaking and me falling.

On the way down, I rotate twice, a move any skydiver would be impressed with at such low altitude, cracking my dumplings on many branches.

Now you would think this would be bad enough, but at the bottom of the tree was a wire fence and an old rotting pallet leant up against the wire fence (the things made from wood that you move around with forklift trucks)

I landed straddling this pallet which proceded to disintergrate into thousands of tiny splinters, though not enough so that my feet touched the ground.

The wire had run up one side of my leg giving me the worst bruise and cut i had ever seen, and the splintered pallet embedded itself in not only my inner thighs, but the aforementioned dumplings.

I spend hours pulling them out and that was as painful as the original accident.

Apologies for length but that evening it was inverted.
(stevio is on the prowl for a girlfriend!, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 10:54, Reply)

Mint flavour condoms...
...should not, under any circumstances, be used for penetration!

At a party with my then boyfriend and wanting to get jiggy, but no johnny to hand, oh dear. 'Friend' kindly offers us one of his, we get down to business and oh dear lord, it is wrong wrong wrong!

For the next 24 hours or so my lady bits feel like they've been plunged into absolute zero conditions. Not pleasant!

It's probably somehow karmic that my current boyfriend is having bowstring fragility issues, so it's my turn to inflict pain with my good lovin'. He's booked in for the op in September and is cacking it.

Length and girth will hopefully be the same post-operation.
(DustyMonkey, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 10:46, Reply)

Paintballing in Newbury
with the Eidos Development team for Gangsters. Almost forgot about this actually; working for a local computer retailer which was doing well at the time, and we (among others) were invited to meet the Eidos team and go on a themed paintballing team. Spoke to a few Sunday Sport reporters who were there, which made us laff a bit (they were trying to be proper journalists lol). We all get tooled up, run through a basic instructional exercise then thrown into the thick of it.

Developers vs the Retailers; we had various themed missions which we had to do around a dis-used RAF residents area, most of which is rotting or condemned buildingwork. I was standing in a doorway, taking a few shots at a few people, when they noticed me and started firing back. I lean back into the doorway, thus not exposed to any direct shots. One of these developers though must've been using a fucking aimbot hack, as a random shot bounced off the door frame opposite me and flew back at me, cracking me right in the bollocks. I double-over on the floor in agony as one of the game-judges walk past and escort me back to base, paint-patch on the crotch included.

Lucky cunt.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 10:37, Reply)

Great bleeding foreskins Batman
14 years old, still riding bikes, tight Levi jeans. Mate of mine swings his leg over the seat of the bike and grimaces with just a littl ebit of pain. Rides off down the driveway and then stops and gets off the bike. I looked down to where he was massaging and the crotch of his jeans were drenched in blood. He had given himself a fairly useful start to a circumcision by snapping off the underside attachment to his foreskin.....seems the pain kicked in more when he realised what he had done. The raised blanket bed was in operation for three weeks and we used to love showing the guy porno to make him get hard during that time!!
(essbeenz there done that, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 10:35, Reply)

Claret
One morning I awoke from my slumber and, as usual, stumbled bleary-eyed to the loo. Did my number ones. Wondered about a bit of a back-ache, but being at uni I had a tiny single bed with a crappy old mattress so I thought no more of it.

I had my breakfast and went for a wee and then left.

By the time I got to uni, I was desperate, so I nipped to the loo for a widdle. Not much came out. I bought a bottle of water.

When I left the shop, I visited the gents opposite for a quick tinkle before I went to my first lecture. By the time I got to my lecture I needed to go again. Each time I went less and less came out and it burned more and more. I drank water and felt a little concerned. Perhaps now would be a good time to register with the campus doc.

Anyway, those copepods wouldn't learn about themselves, so off to my lecture, stopping for a whizz first. Five minutes in and I'm doing the leg-jiggle thing. Ten minutes in and I had to run out and "for this release, much thanks..."

You get the idea. This happened a couple more times. Then, finally, nothing came out at all and it was hurty. Then blood started coming out and it was hurtier still. I thought hospital would be a good idea.

There's nothing quite as strange as walking into a hospital and saying to the receptionist "hello - I'm weeing blood. Can I see a doctor please?". I did see a rather attractive lady doctor and she became the second woman ever to see my winkle. Not, however, at its best: by this time there was goo coming out of it too. She made me wee in a pot ("I'd like you to fill this for me, please" "what, from here?") and I returned with a trickle of incredibly red liquid in a pot.

She dipped a test stick in it, waited 30 seconds, looked at it, looked me in the eye and said "well, there's certainly some blood in here".

I got better. I had scans and things and it was just an infection. There's a nearly funny story involving x-rays, student radiographers, and laxatives, too. I'll leave that one for when the question of the week is "tell us about the time you nearly crapped yourself on the M4 having been felt up by your girlfriend's friends".
(Fat Bear is adjusting your breasts on, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 10:34, Reply)

boing..
I was late for work as usual so there was I trying to run and dodge through the morning crowds when I spied a reasonable gap.. I ran bollock first into a concrete bollard. Pain? Oh yes indeed.
(flibbley lame balloon man far and wee, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 10:27, Reply)

knobs
while young and not yet accustomed to the changed personal space when having a boner i walked helmet first into a door.

fucking painful.

apologies for length, i think it got knocked back an inch.
(ferret joe fun to have in your trousers, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 10:27, Reply)

I got chilli on her minge last night
That was a tactical error. I'd been cooking chilli earlier in the eve, and damn tasty it was too. However, despite frequent hand washing, it appears the fiery burny goodness remained on my hands.

Mind way through a bit of the old FP, she began complaining of a burning sensation that wasn't lust for my meatpole.

Shag off, with bird in the bath rinsing her Beetle Bonnet. Bugger.
(incrediblemonkeydoctor www.rantatsomeone.com - go on, have a rant, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 10:25, Reply)

Mmm-Marmite
Probably untrue, unoriginal and already posted, but I heard you can get your bollocks into a Marmite jar, but once there, its impossible to get them out without having to smash the jar - causing much glass sharding fun. Certainly not testing that theory.....
(jimmy_stavros, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 10:19, Reply)

poppa need a brand new bag
when i was in the cubs we built a ropeswing using a splintery old log as a seat.

not sure i need to say much more.

i get emotional just thinking about the moment i jumped - and the image of my ruptured little scrotum haunts me to this day.

8 stitches. whimper whimper.....
(skindley, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 10:17, Reply)

Jezza on BRMB radio
Jezza (Now Jeremy Kyle), hosted a show on BRMB radio in Birmingham, where all the freaks would phone up with life problems. (Much worse than on his TV show). One such odd chappy phoned up to get some advice immediately after what sounded like an horrific, but hilarious accident.

After having a shower, he dons a dressing gown and comes out of the bathroom. Starts playing with his (or his son's) Scalextric. As he squats over the track, his testicles dangle onto the live rail, and combined with his still-wet-from-shower condition, frys the shit out of his bollocks. From what I can remember, he phoned minutes after doing it, and reported back all evening on the worsening condition, with other fellow Brummies offering advice.
(jimmy_stavros, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 10:17, Reply)

Not nice this - sry
Bleeding from rear end - went to docs (this was between christmas and new year).
"Assume the position" he says.
After what I thought was quite enough of a good look he says "I have some good news and some bad news"
"?"
"The good news is, you haven't got piles" (pause for effect) "the bad news is, I have to look further in"
Somewhat uncomfortable that bit, wish I'd gone to a lady doctor (smaller hands.....)
On parting (yes I've spelt that right), I wished him Happy New Year, he had the grace to laugh.
(The real vlad the impala, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 10:15, Reply)

Couldn't be arsed so I copied and pasted this from a previous answer
Tragic Cricketing Accident

I was playing cricket without a box so you can probably guess the rest. I lost 50% of my descendants and whilst I was curled up on the ground going MMNNNGGggg next to the cricket ball that had done all the damage our illustrious team captain (Who due to lack of brain cells appeared to be oblivious to my state) was screaming at me to throw the ball. All I could do was whimper "I think I already have"
( Big Ian has stopped changing his sig, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 10:14, Reply)