Old people films.
Well seeing as every single other one of you lot is recounting cinema tales, and I'm not the big social event type, I will tell you my own.

Went to the pub with a couple of assorted mates, after a few drinks we got bored and decided to beetle off to the local cinema to see what was on.

Sod all apart from Ladies in Lavender. 'Why not?' suggested my best friend. We all wandered in, bought tickets and sat down.

Film started. Two ladies. Old ones. A foreign bloke. Possibly Polish. And NO lavender anywhere in the film. I was utterly bored, so was everyone else.

Film finished, my mate announced very loudly that 'that was the biggest pile of wank I've EVER seen'. The lights came up and we, a group of 18-22 year old kids, were met with a horde of tear-stained old people, simultaneously sobbing and glaring at my mate.

It WAS shit though.

I rented it on my birthday to see if it'd got any better, or I'd missed something.

I hadn't.

Had that woman from Blackadder in, though.
(sporky, Tue 11 Apr 2006, 14:26, Reply)

More a loud bang than a heckle
A mate of mine worked for a company who specialised in stage rigging, one of his main jobs was looking after the aerial safety on the Gladiators TV show. In between series of the programme he was sent to work at a holiday camp for Keith Harris (and Orville.)

Harris’ act was supposed to start with him on stage talking to an unseen Orville. The green duck would be whinging about not being able to fly and would launch into the madly annoying ‘I wish I could fly’ song which plagued the charts in the 80’s. At the climax Orville would be released from the back of the auditorium on a wire and would ‘fly’ over the kids heads to join Harris on stage.

The job was easy money but Harris turned out to be a complete and utter twat who pissed of everyone who had to work with him. My mate decided to take revenge and one night packed Orville full of stage explosives and a detonator. Half way down the wire cue a loud bang, a shower of green feathers, a room full of traumatised kids and an apoplectic Keith Harris.

My mate got fired on the spot, it was well worth it.
(ru55311, Tue 11 Apr 2006, 14:10, Reply)

comedy store
when i was about 19 and a student, we managed to get front row seats at the comedy store one sat night. there were 4 comedians, of which 3 were guys. one of them was someone fattish and famous called john something; one was alistair mcgowan and i don't remember the other two.

anyway, by virtue of our seats, we got picked on. a lot. but the men were all very nice to me! alistair mcgowan asked if anyone was catholic. i was born one, although haven't been to church since, so i raised my hand. and he said, "bloody hell darling, you can come and share my moral high ground any day."

john mcfat something then finished his set by adding that the "lovely dark haired girl in the purple shirt can meet me in the bar afterwards and i'll show her a bit of stand up".

by this point i was bright red and loving myself, which really pissed off my ex, who didn't like to be out of the spotlight. so when the third comedian stopped his act to say, "phwoar, you should see the bird on the front row, she's gorgeous", my ex cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled at the top of his voice:

"HE'S LYING!!!!!"

cue the audience in hysterics and the camera focussing on me, and my face appearing rounder and redder and larger than the trocadero centre on the screen behind the stage...

the bastard!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 11 Apr 2006, 14:07, Reply)

Last night
I went to see my mate do stand up in Kilburn. Maybe Kilburn is like some sort of day-release centre for lunatics, but the hecklers were a class apart, especially the drunk Australian girl who, to be fair to her, was an absolute fucking nightmare. She took to the stage, tried to wrestle the self-styled comedy terrorist who was the compere, and ended up falling on her arse and smashing a pint all over the stage. Genius. Later on a young man by the name of "Flex Daddy" also invaded the stage to give us some of his own jokes, although his patois (ebonics? jive?) was so strong that only my mate who listens to reggae non-stop had any idea what he was talking about.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Tue 11 Apr 2006, 13:50, Reply)

Feckles Heckles Hackles Shmeckles
My girlfriend and I were watching tolerable Historic "Epic" King Arthur. The Saxons, or the Normans, or the Vikings, or the... whatever they were. Bald evil people. Anyway, they were quabbling amongst themselves. The leader of the "invasion" is arguing with his son, who's just made a bit of a cock-up. Where he would have normally killed another soldier, he spares his son's life. This, apparently, offends his son trmendously, who proceeds to stab a fellow soldier through the chest with his sword.

The tension mounts. Silence. And then my girlfriend says, in her best Old Lady voice, "There's no need for that!"

For some reason, this was hilarious.
(Squirminator2k is funny 'cos he's ginger, Tue 11 Apr 2006, 13:39, Reply)

Heckle?
I went to a dire comedy night once where the only other people in the audience were my two mates. Everyone else was on the comedy set.

I heckled something moronic about the use of public toilets and ended up having a conversation with the headline act about whether he'd stolen my bin, because he lived near me.

He hadn't, it was the mad old lady from across the way.
(Jugular, Tue 11 Apr 2006, 13:30, Reply)

The Mighty Boosh @ Manchester Apollo
The lovely Julian Barratt is on stage, playing 'Rudi' the psychadelic monk (wooyay).
Some cheeky charlie from the circle bellows an almighty heckle.
Julian's retort?

"Do not shout at me, or I will come at you like a bag of cocks"

*POP*
( Droog is too orangey for crows, Tue 11 Apr 2006, 13:04, Reply)

40 year old virgin
I laughed out loud during the 'I know you're gay' argument when he say 'I know you're gay because you like Coldplay'. I was the only person who laughed out laud and all the gaylords in the cinema stayed deathly quiet
(Meaver, Tue 11 Apr 2006, 12:51, Reply)

40 Year Old Virgin
Went to see it, me and my mate creased up laughing at a ridiculously unfunny part. No heckle involved.
(Peter Sutcliffe's Right Bollock, Tue 11 Apr 2006, 12:47, Reply)

Not Worth Reading..
Alien 3, Leeds Odeon, opening night, 8 pissed up lads fuelled by Thunderbirds & Special Brew - Cue a very emotional scene with 'Andrews' (Brian Glover) explaining what was happening, how serious the situation was, cue moment of silence....


"TETLEY MAKE TEA BAGS, MAKE TEA"

fits of laughter from us 8 for atleast 15 minutes, you know what it's like not trying to laugh in a silent cinema... no-one else saw the funny side.. infact - after reading it back - i can see why. Very Poor.
(TheManofScience, Tue 11 Apr 2006, 11:54, Reply)

Recently at the Comedy Store ...
... a particularly nervous, unoriginal, unamusing bloke went on and on about the perils of smoking skunk.

It got so bad, my mate shouted out "you're as funny as a burning orphanage".

Cue unfunny bloke completely seizing up and walking tail between legs off stage and on the verge of tears.

Compere walks on completely confused and asked if that was part of the act. Then pointed out that at least it ended with some laughs.
(jimcrock, Tue 11 Apr 2006, 11:31, Reply)

Worst Bond film ever.
Went to see that shitty bond film with the invisible car when totally stoned off my face. Cinema was packed. M (Judi dentures) just utters the immortal line "Death for dinner, Danger for Lunch" or something along those lines when I put on my best judi Dench voice just when the camera turns to james' reaction and silence follows. "Porridge for breakfast?"
The whole cinema looked at me dissapprovingly while me and my mate laughed through the rest of the film. got kicked out in the end.

Length? Girth? Bollocks.
(Grizzly, Tue 11 Apr 2006, 11:26, Reply)

Heckles:
Heckle told as part of act by Geordie comedian supporting Jack Dee: Doing act at Gloucester just after Fred West's arrest. Trying to avoid touchy local subject matter, comedian concentrates on the police stopping the tour bus for speeding... "Your police, what are they like?"
Cue heckle... "They're cukfing good at digging mate"

plogies for it being short and thin and only lasting a few seconds...
(stygof, Tue 11 Apr 2006, 11:10, Reply)

historical witty comeback.
The Earl of Sandwich: "Egad sir, I do not know whether you will die on the gallows or of the pox".

John Wilkes: "Well, you've got a stupid name, you fat dickhead".
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 11 Apr 2006, 11:09, Reply)

Snow Balls
Not mine, but one from when my Mum took my big Bro to see the Panto of "Cindarella".

It had got to the usual bit in the proceedings, when Buttons gets some volunteer kids up on stage to tell jokes, and give them sweets.

One little girl gets up, and stands there waiting to be asked for her joke, with a niaghty glint in her eyes... finally, it's her turn:

"What's the difference between SnowMen and SnowWomen?"
"...?"
"SNOW BALLS!!!!"

Cue the Pantomime Dame pissing her(him?)self, the Mother of the girl running onto stage, smacking her and dragging her out of the theatre, and poor Buttons standing there lost for words.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Tue 11 Apr 2006, 11:02, Reply)

strange foody heckle
I was 14. I was wearing ripped jeans. I was making a speech at my youth group.

evil jonny and evil danny snuck up behind me and spooned a pot of chocolate mousse into the rips in my jeans whilst I was talking.

not knowing how to handle this bizarre heckle, I just pretended it wasn't happening and kept on talking.

I like to think I'd handle the incident better if it were to happen today.
( biscuitbiscuit is in ur garden, watering ur plantz, Tue 11 Apr 2006, 10:56, Reply)

brendon burns, legend
Heckler: Say something funny!
BB: Your parents are proud of you

that is all...

(years of lurking ruined in a moment)
(rawmeat, Tue 11 Apr 2006, 10:45, Reply)

Lord of the Rings
I can vaiguely remember something about me being at Glastonbury, on mushrooms, in the cinema field, with my brother, watching Lord of the Rings - Fellowship of the Ring, shouting "He's behind you" everytime a bad guy appeared on the screen. How the people sat around us fell about with laughter every time we did that (I know we did). there was also some really funny comment about the stuff that Gandalf was smoking in his pipe, but sadly the ravages of living life to the extreme and age have put pay to that highly ammusing story.

Remember kids - don't do drugs. They will fry your brain
(moogster, Tue 11 Apr 2006, 10:42, Reply)

Hot Chip
I concentrated all my venom into heckling the band "Hot Chip". Goddam they're awful. Totally the wrong band to support Lady Goldfrapp and her sexy horse-tailed dancing girls.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Tue 11 Apr 2006, 10:31, Reply)

GCSE Science...and first post...
I was in a GCSE Science class oh so many moons ago (well, 3 years), and we had a supply teacher, our proper one was off having babies or something. Anyway, this guy was a bit of a dunce, he was taking the register, and instead of reading out our first names, he was reading out our middle names, which were also printed on there. He'd got a third of the way down the register when he got to me, and called me by my middle name, which at the time I didn't like too much. So I pipes up "Excuse me, my name is NOT Alice, it's Gemma, you might wanna learn to take a register properly". Cue the entire class goggling and him telling me I was a "Very rude young lady". Like I cared =P
(The Who Bird is eating Jaffa Cakes on, Tue 11 Apr 2006, 10:24, Reply)

I once went and saw the noted wit, Mr Oscar Wilde..
some ill-mannered fellow shouted out, "I say Oscar, a little bird told me that you are not like other men!".

Well, bless me if Mr Wilde did not afix the oaf with a steely gaze and coolly quip "on the contrary, sir, I am noted for liking other men very much!"

The main act was the popular coloured singer, Tuppence. But he was crap.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 11 Apr 2006, 10:17, Reply)

.
playing in local bands you often get heckles. especially since most of the bands round here are shite and the audience need to amuse themselves somehow. These are some from friends of mine.

the most blatant ones, such as waiting for the quiet bit of the song and yelling "YOU'RE SHIT" are all well and good, but on noticing the room was full of people wearing said band's t-shirts we decided to leg it.

the wittier ones are the best.
"you should keep that one in the real set"

and my favourite. probably due to its slightly surrealness: "you should be in a band"

apologies for lack of length, i was somewhat short-changed.
(billy_burns, Tue 11 Apr 2006, 10:17, Reply)

Crap comedian
I was once at a Valentines night thing at Jollies in Stoke with my wife (then Fiance) There was a crap comedian as part of the entertainment who was in the process of telling the - The Bin man came to my house and said "Where's ya bin?.." I shouted out "Wheres ya Wheelie bin" before he even got to the first part of the punchline and completley ruined the flow of his act.. he couldn't recover..and promptly died.
(waspinagermanhelmet, Tue 11 Apr 2006, 10:16, Reply)

Skills
In junior year, my high school principal interrupted the talent show to lecture us about appropriate behaviour as an audience. The people in the show had worked very hard to prepare, and Alison shouldn't have to shout over us so we could hear her interpretation of, "One Step Closer to Jesus", and Heather shouldn't have to start over because we wanted to talk instead of listen to "Angel of Music". Furthermore, there were parents in the audience. These parents had come to see their children perform and we were ruining the show for them. We ought to be ashamed of ourselves and if this continues, he would have to stop the show and send us all home. The show would be ruined because he had to stop it and it would be all our fault.

I think it was around that point when he was beaned in the head with a Fruitopia bottle and all of us clearly heard Christina Nunez's dad yell, "CABRON, SHUT UP AND LET 'EM PLAY!"

Cue one embarassed principal and an audience soiling themselves with laughter.
(DeadCats, Tue 11 Apr 2006, 9:03, Reply)

Gimli
Seeing as this QOTW has been hijacked by everyone trawling out their hilarious LotR's moments, here's mine. I believe its the second one, where Aragorn and Gimli are defending the drawbridge. Gimli is too short to jump across from the side. How does he communicate this to Aragorn? That's right, he puts on his sexy whisper voice and hisses "Toss me!".

I'm so mature I didn't even get it until my childish mate next to me started giggling like a schoolgirl. And of course, once you get the giggles in a quiet place....
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Tue 11 Apr 2006, 8:15, Reply)

I also once threw a bottle of urine on a teenage girl...
...I explained to the judge that she was clearly a stupid teenybopper, but he didn't seem to get it.

My cellmate thinks it was both big and clever though.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 11 Apr 2006, 7:01, Reply)

From The Dim, Dark 80's
Went to see Pop Will Eat Itself at a venue in northern Sydney. One of teh friends I went with was into some fairly obscure alternative Australian music, and one band (Thug, one of Tex Perkins first bands) had a song called "Fuck Your Dad". My mate Thom, in the euphoria surrounding the gig, yells out from down near the front "Fuck yer dad!". Clint replies, "Fax my dad?".

This would have passed into obscurity had not another mate who was present at that gig was been reading one of teh English music mags (praps NME). In it there was a PWEI tour diary, and on the day for that Sydney gig was the entry:

"Faxed my dad, wished him happy birthday".

Only got to tell Thom the story a few months ago, he was well chuffed.
(Pleiades, Tue 11 Apr 2006, 3:14, Reply)

Apologies for length ...
Popular beat combo Feeder seem to have a knack for choosing shit support bands - one such unfortunate choice was Utah Saints, supporting the band at the Birmingham Academy about five years ago. This was when the band were just about to hit it big, just after 'Buck Rogers' came out and just before the 'Echo Park' album came out, when the band were still half-decent and in possession of their original drummer.

Anyway, out come Utah Saints with a couple of record players and a trestle table which they proceed to stand behind and play a selection of crap dancey tunes. When they come to the only song of theirs anyone has actually heard ("Something Good" I believe it's called, the one with the repetitive "Utah Saints! U-U-U-Utah Saints!" bit in it), I'm quite bored and more than a little tipsy, so I start singing "Who are you? Who-who-who-who are you?", fairly quietly and to myself more than anyone else. The people around me pick up on it, and pretty soon it becomes a full-on chant which culminates in the 'Saints being bottled offstage.

Needless to say, I felt quite smug.

Fast forward a couple of years, and Feeder are emabarking on their first UK tour since the death of their drummer, Grant Nicholas having used this event to transform Feeder from a really great little quirky rock band into a radio-friendly middle aged, middle of the road generic guitar-pop band, and have chosen the dull-as-ditchwater Aqualung to support.

We're in the Birmingham NIA, and out strolls Aqualung, to absolutely NO applause, sits behind his piano and plays a couple of songs. Nothing. No one's enjoying it, he's dying on his arse. He pauses for a moment before launching into another ditty, just long enough for someone in my general vicinity to shout out of the silence: "NICE JUMPER!". Cue much tittering.
(painreliever Lurker extraordinaire, Tue 11 Apr 2006, 3:02, Reply)

Imogen Heap / Live8
Newcastle Carling Academy, last Saturday. The Delightful and talented Miss Heap steps up to perform her a capella hit, 'Hide & Seek'. She has around her neck one of those piano keyboards that you hold like a guitar.

ME [out of total silence]: "PLAY THAT KEYTAR!"
Audience chuckle...
IMMI [mishearing]: "It's not a guitar, it's a keyboard, a strap-on..."
ME: "PLAY WITH THAT STRAP-ON!!!"
Audience and performer crease up...

Good gig. Also, I shouted 'YOU IDIOT!' just as Brad Pitt gave a warm hearted appeal for Africa in the Live8 concert at Hyde Park, referring to his impending divorce with Jennifer Aniston. I also did exactly the same in the middle of Spiderman 2 when Spidey tells the lovely Kirsten Dunst that he doesn't love her. Idiot.
(peanutismint, Tue 11 Apr 2006, 1:08, Reply)

Since everyone's talking about movies now...
...I went to see Narnia with a few of my family, including my brain-damaged nephew. He's 13, with a mental age of about 3, and as funny as you like.

After Aslan had been killed, and the battle started, the camera cuts back to the dead lion on the stone table, and the whole cinema sits hushed as the emotion pours out of the screen. Until that is, my nephew stands up and shouts at the top of his lungs "Wake up Jeff!!", which he always does when he sees someone asleep (it's from The Wiggles, apparently).

Anyway, it's a film, and it's not really a heckle, but it made a large portion of the audience laugh muchly, so I thought I'd share it.

And with that, good night to you all! =)
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Tue 11 Apr 2006, 0:30, Reply)