puns
i never read "the sun" as i am not really into tits or football, but the guy opposite me on the tube yesterday had it. and the headline was: "wham bam sam cam's a mam (she'll need a new pram)". and the headline on the back was "pain roo-knee".

why do "the sun" journalists get to start everything they write like that, and i get to start everything i write with "lease dated 10 january 1996 made between (1) greedy landlord limited (2) insolvent tenant limited (now in administration) and (3) mr unfortunate bastard going to lose his house over this guarantor".

what makes you jealous about other people's jobs? or, as it's nearly 12pm, what's for lunch?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 11:35, 51 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Cosy Radio-4 style word game (Probably with Barry Cryer and Willie Rushton)
Take a well known phrase, change a word or two and make it silly.

"Friends, Romans, countrymen. Lend me your bike"
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 10:47, 51 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

As I'm sure none of you know, I'll fill you in
My (now ex)housemate lost his job last week. He was already looking at moving away in the next few months, meaning I'd have time to sort out somewhere else to live. Irritatingly, this was brought forward due to a stupid disciplinary at work. Basically, they were going to blame every single issue of the last 3 months on him, because he's been promoted to one of the supervisors.

He decided he was so confident he was going to get sacked, he wasn't even going to show up for the disciplinary. This has pissed me off no end, as he basically gave up. I've been in his position before, but I still had the guts to show up, and managed to keep my job after making my position clear.

Ah well, either way, he's fucked off back to his Mum's now leaving me with all the bills. Luckily my parents have found a possible lodger for me, I'm meeting him tonight. We've already agreed rent & bills, so as long as he's not a complete tosser, I'm going to ask him to move in.

My question is this, what questions should I ask him? I've already going to ask about if he's a smoker, if he's a militant christian, and if he's a vegetarian. Any others?

As ridiculous as you like, I want to fully get to know the lad.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 10:43, 59 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

So, I went to my ex wife's funeral yesterday
It was a bit of a wierd feeling, but I’m glad I went. I got to pay my respects, and also to catch up with a lot of people I haven’t seen for yonks, all of whom seemed genuinely pleased to see me. I even got an invite for Sunday lunch from her aunt, with the missus included in that invite. That was nice.

The pub after was a bit surreal, though. Lots of photos of her life plastered around the room. As I was looking at one of a mate’s wedding, I commented to the bride in the picture who was standing next to me, that it seemed like it was ages ago. “Yeah”, said the bride. “You were on that photo, you know”. I looked at it again, and sure enough, I had been snipped off the end. Oh, how we laughed, etc.

*EDIT* On thinking about it, this could be a contender for this week's QOTW.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 24 Mar 2010, 10:06, 7 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Storming gig last night!
Scroobius Pip vs. Dan Le Sac at Koko - a mix of old and new songs, all performed excellently (as usual).

One of the supports was a girl who couldn't have been more than 14 - her music wasn't great, but her spoken word intro was phenomenal. And I realised that she was far better at it than I could ever aspire to be.

Anyone else suddenly feeling old and slightly depressed round here?
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 10:00, 42 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Morning all, it's hump day today so post midday it's downhill all the way to the weekend!
I recently played the game of life and was dissapointed, I should have stuck to Hungry Hungry Hippos.
What was your favourite 80's board game?

If you're too young to remember the 80's frankly you can piss off!
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 8:28, 115 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Meep! Just cleaned off the bbq for the upcoming grilling season.
3 black widows, 5 miscellaneous spiders. I so have the heebie jeebies! They're all deaded now thanks to the bbq lighter (long handled thingy that shoots awesome flames).

What's given you the heebie jeebies lately?
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Tue 23 Mar 2010, 21:31, 44 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Evening all
in conversation with my brother just now, he couldn't remember the word for what we were talking about and so referred to it as a jobbidoofer, as we do in these parts (or possibly just my family).

What's your word for a thingumajig?
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 23 Mar 2010, 19:15, 21 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I ordered groceries online yesterday for the first time and am expecting delivery within the next couple hours.
This excites me muchly. But....for those of you who already get groceries delivered, what's the tipping etiquette?

Also, driving back from Arizona on Sunday I saw a sign that said "State Prison Next Exit", and right underneath was a warning sign saying "Do Not Pick Up Hitchhikers" which made me laugh like mad. And I got home to a lovely clean apartment as the guy who was staying at mine to look after the cats took it upon himself to get stuck in and clean evey nook and cranny :)

Edit: Here's a guide to tipping etiquette in the States:
www.findalink.net/tippingetiquette.php

Edit again: I go to give the guy a $5 tip. The delivery drivers are not allowed to accept tips. Win.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Tue 23 Mar 2010, 16:52, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Last week...
... I had a proposal for a book turned down.

I've just had a proposal for another book accepted! Woo! (And it'll be more fun to write...) All being well, this time next year, it'll be done.

Yay!
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 23 Mar 2010, 15:48, 80 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Ye Olde Offtopic
Where are those peoples from OT of old?

Colonel Dracula?
Maladicta?
Enzyme?
Mistaspakkaman?
Clendrix?
.etc

Where are you all?
(caveman_dave, Tue 23 Mar 2010, 15:39, 86 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Fatty enters Miss England - Internet rejoices

news.bbc.co.uk/newsbeat/hi/health/newsid_7507000/7507037.stm?ls

She says it's fine to be a woman of size as 16 is now the average, but if 16 is overweight then all this means is that the average woman is overweight, not that it is ok to be overweight. I'm sure the same is true for men.

Question: Are you overweight?
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 23 Mar 2010, 13:57, 163 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Ah, the wonderful world of the local rag.
There's a story in my local rag about an RAF Chinook landing in York for a Help For Heroes fundraising thing. I posted in the comments section that I have no time whatsoever for a charity that bemoans volunteers (unfortunately) being injured doing what they volunteered to do. The way I see it, if you join the army then you should expect to get shot at, blown up or even killed.

The numpties are out in force already, calling me a tosser (fair enough) and twisting my words in a later post.

What run ins have you had with the assembled pitchfork-waving masses for airing your views in a public forum?
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 23 Mar 2010, 13:22, 59 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Turns out it is true
Exhibit A


What have you discovered is actually true today?
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 23 Mar 2010, 12:25, 71 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Is it ladies day on OT? All threads from today have been started by teh ladies
I'm off to hospital today to have part of me scrutinised. Which is your favourite body part to be scrutinised and puzzled over?

Also, Damn it feels good to be a gangster
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Tue 23 Mar 2010, 12:13, 78 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Motivation
We have been battling to keep the company afloat for months now and finally have everything in place so we can keep trading.

This morning my boss sends a terse email to the PA telling her to send everyone redundancy notices. No explanation, nothing.

How can I motivate myself to keep working?
Alternatively, should we just load everything into a skip and set fire to it?
(misspiggy In danger of having to get a job, Tue 23 Mar 2010, 11:15, 52 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I'm with fasthosts, and currently using a Windows server and I'd like to upgrade to Linux/Apache
There is an option in the control panel to perform this upgrade automatically.

Can anyone of the wonderful IT people on b3ta tell me what to expect with the upgrade - i.e. will the change take long to take effect; will i lose access to my website + mail for an extended period etc etc?
( applehead herp derp, Tue 23 Mar 2010, 10:10, 77 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I have to go see the comapny nurse on Thursday
How can I lose two stone in three days?
Empty out my massive vag HA HA HA

Alternatively, should creme eggs be available all year?
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 23 Mar 2010, 9:46, 50 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Good morning
Today I am playing dress-up. I am wearing my bestest suit. It is grey, kind of Prince of Wales check. It is business-like yet slinky. I reckon this will make me be very hardworking and efficient and might stop me sneaking onto OT all day like a scouse schlepper.

How are you people motivating yourselves today?
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 23 Mar 2010, 8:04, 115 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

computer tech help please
I have my computer set up in my spare bedroom, but I want to have a supplemental monitor in my living room. The lenght of cable required is about 10 m. I have spoken to a few sales people and our techie people and they have told me that no such length of cable exists.

why?
Wud it overheat, signal fade.?

Surely if not commercially available such a length of cable could be made by soldering the ends onto custom cut cable.

please include as much jargon as possible in replies as I am used to feeling stupid concerning anything computery.
(bugboy, Mon 22 Mar 2010, 20:42, 10 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Muh-ha-ha-ha
I've just noticed that a bottle of wine has been left in my fridge. I don't normally drink wine but I'm going to make an exception because it's technically free. Hell, I'd drink Tennents Super if someone left a 6 pack of it. I'm that Scottish.

What wouldn't you drink if someone left it in your fridge?
( djtrialprice, Mon 22 Mar 2010, 19:33, 80 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Is it just me or does everyone ever today seem to have an attitude problem?
How's your side of the planet?
Are you holding yourself back from calling every person you know a prick?
( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 22 Mar 2010, 17:08, 126 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Fucking hell
My own mother thought that the picture of the Laughing Cavalier that I have as my facebook picture is actually me.

I'm quite shocked, I really didn't think it looked that much like me.

Which famous person, or object have you been mistaken for and did it upset you?
(Bazongaloid, Mon 22 Mar 2010, 15:32, 139 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I don't like bgb's thread
So I'm going to suggest A GAME!

The pitch is here
www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1259646/Gay-couple-turned-away-guest-house-owner-let-share-bed.html#comments
The goal is for each of us to submit a comment, not tell anyone what it is then at 4pm see which has been recommended the most.

Tactics:
Be as much of a cunt as possible, you're talking to mail readers.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 22 Mar 2010, 14:20, 109 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Afternoon silliness.
Which famous actor would you want to play you in a film of your life?

Mine would be Kathy Burke. She's plain and very funny but with a certain special quality you can't help warm to.
( girlinthehole, Mon 22 Mar 2010, 14:16, 39 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I watched Predator this morning
What testosterone-driven 80's classics have you revisited lately?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 22 Mar 2010, 12:26, 97 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Politics blah blah
Let's talk about sweets and booze and things from a long time ago.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 22 Mar 2010, 11:41, 81 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Ahhh the Merkins have passed healthcare reform bill
Well done Merkins. That's twice in the last couple of years you have impressed me. Well done.

What has impressed you lately?
( Peej, Mon 22 Mar 2010, 10:23, 84 replies, latest was 16 years ago)