So I've had a really good day today.
I've got two of my first three practical class marks back, and they're both Distinctions. I've been understanding all my lectures, and I had some chocolate. I've also finished an essay worth 20% of my mark for one of my classes. I'm now out to earn a bit of money tutoring, and then I think I may spend the evening in bed watching Doctor Who. Or Supernatural. And I got enough sleep last night to not feel tired when I woke up.

Tell me about the last really good day you had. Or else.

ALT: alright, what's wrong then?
(Poppet some assembly required., Wed 6 Apr 2011, 8:40, 269 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

hope you can aid me
we need to move house rapidly due to BAD neighbours. Any sneaky and/or useful tricks for doing it? We'd prefer a private landlord if at all possible, as estate agents charge insane amounts for admin and credit checks. If anyone has some hacks for this kind of thing it's you lot of naughty geniuses.
I did try yahoo answers but i have tried reading the local papers and using the internet believe it or not :)

Alt Q? um. favourite jelly flavour?

EDIT: i'm after ways to find housing really, defeating the neighbours is done with. we just need to get out of the house and find somewhere else
(DreddPirateBob has watched every scifi film ever on, Wed 6 Apr 2011, 1:14, 6 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

i just made a milka and southern comfort torte
and it is lush,
who wants to sleep with me now eh? eh? eh eh? it is that good i swear.
( Sir Sand GOBLIN ^popular page dis, Tue 5 Apr 2011, 23:07, 22 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Assistance required
Many many years ago I read a short story about a group of teens taking a trip to the beach. As the story progresses you start to notice there's no one else around, everything's falling apart, and there's a forced gaiety to the trip. Comments gradually reveal a strain of Asian Flu has wiped out pretty much everyone else. It closes with one of them starting to cough.

Anyone else read it and can remember who wrote it or what it's called?

Alt: Anything you'd like to ask that's been bugging you?
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 5 Apr 2011, 20:04, 64 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Late shift - for those just joining who can't be arsed with the thread below
What are you up to tonight?

I shall mainly be downloading music.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 5 Apr 2011, 16:51, 81 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Here is a shit thread for you all to bitch and moan in
ALT: Why does it always rain on me?

EDIT: I don't think I'd mentally prepared myself for the vitriol that the alt Q would generate, so instead answer me this - why are you all so fat and stupid and ugly?!
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 5 Apr 2011, 15:04, 249 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

The scores are in!
Following dozens* of requests to know who has the highest average for the gay jibes, I can now present the following awards.

Most gay insults in total goes to my old mucker Sportscow, one of my favourite B3tans. *something about keeping one's enemies close*

Special award for services to consistency, poo jokes aside, goes to TGB with three posts to date, all of them scored 8/10. Mention also to BelladonnaAnodyne, with two at the same score. This is how it's done, Rory. Speaking of which...

Person with the most piss-poor scores (4 or below) - bit of a surprise, this one - is Monty Boyce, with three 4/10's and three 3/10's. Which means I owe Rory an apology, having told him he was the only person to rack up a 3, it turns out Monty and Crow have done it too. And that's not the worst of it...

Worst single score EVER - 1(ONE!)/10 no surprises here, JeffTheDogFucker

Most improved B3tan is Vipros, who hasn't scored below a 7 since deciding to raise his game. But he's not yet a member of...

The 9/10 club, the creme de la creme. Current members; Monty Boyce (twice), Sportscow (twice), The Supreme Crow and NakedApe.

And finally... the top five. In the interests of fairness I've ruled that six posts or less is too few. Got to really want it, you see. Drumroll please.

5th - Monty Boyce - 6.22
4th - The Supreme Crow - 6.42
3rd - Sportscow - 6.70
2nd - Vipros - 6.82
1st - NakedApe - 6.92

Good work, all of the above. Full scores can be obtained in the replies upon request.


*two
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 5 Apr 2011, 14:04, 30 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Following on from the delights of Streatham and Lewisham
What's the best Fish and Chips you've ever had?

Chompy, you don't have to answer this, I know you think they're bland.

Alt.Q: Should I go back to Warwickshire this weekend?
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Tue 5 Apr 2011, 13:20, 98 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

What we need is a bbc news link
with no further information www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-12937009
(PsychoChomp, Tue 5 Apr 2011, 11:59, 164 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

300 reply thread?
You lazy cunts.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 5 Apr 2011, 10:47, 203 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Good day to you. Good day.
It's wet and windy in the arsehole of North London where I am.

Lusty and I were discussing our ideal (living) dinner party guests last night. A shortlist of Lemmy, Harry Hill, Stephen Fry and Dolly Parton was drawn up. We struggled to think of a woman to invite, which is rather sad, is it not?

Have you a superior selection of guests that you would like to share?

Alt: You have five English pounds left in the entire world. What do you do with it?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 5 Apr 2011, 8:30, 305 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

I've gone ebay nuts, selling loads of stuff.
do you ebay? picked up any bargains?

Alt Q: Dating single parents, have you? are you? would you?
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 4 Apr 2011, 20:28, 112 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Skyving
I'm skyving band practise, students last week were skyving to avoid deadline and presentations all over the place

What are you skyving, skyvers?
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 4 Apr 2011, 18:47, 91 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Joey wants a biscuit.
Do you? If not, what do you want? If so, what else do you want?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 4 Apr 2011, 17:23, 101 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Chompy wants a new thread
What shall we talk about?
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 4 Apr 2011, 15:17, 179 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Good News Everybody!!
Darth misses out on top spot as a surprise contender leaps into pole position

Jeff didn't use his badge so you don't get one
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 4 Apr 2011, 13:22, 215 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Holidays
With the upcoming Easter holidays/baldy-wedding-extravaganza, what are you lot doing? Off anywhere nice?

What is the best holiday you've been on and why?

Alt:
Worst holiday and why?
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 4 Apr 2011, 13:03, 106 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

I don't like those threads; too much realtionship woes and too much lolwacky band zanyness
I feel like summer is coming, tit Monday can only just be around the corner and soon it will be time get wack out the BBqs (careful labs), what are you most looking forward to in the summer, or what is your favourite season.


ALT:I have and awesome new tweed jacket, should I rock some elbow patches as well to complete the geography teacher look?
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 4 Apr 2011, 11:06, 179 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Benefits girls/Jeremy Kyle uber alles
Ok, i rarely come on here, rarely post but...


www.youtube.com/watch?v=aa1aJgjWTDc

It has been suggested to me that some people on here might appreciate this. I absolutely do not apologise if you don't. My friends are in a band (such is life; you live in London, you have band friends) and the one with the biggest ego is also an award winning cartoonist. So it makes sense he drew this. I actually reckon they sound better live than on this particular recording (so how fortunate that they also play live gigs - come along! come along!).

Plug plug plug glade plug in.

So we just want to spread the good word really. I'm done now.

EDIT: If you do want to look up the band Andy and the prostitutes, firstly do it at work with caution, secondly to give you a flavour of what you might be in for, they sing such ditties as:

Daddy, you're not a Jedi
Uncle Walt's a paedophile
Happy healthy normal well adjusted balanced people (just get out)
Stalker
Small man syndrome
Not a man
Little pills
Porn star

Over and out :-)
(cheerymaddox 'Quite cute when not talking', Mon 4 Apr 2011, 10:08, 91 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Nine o'clock!
Start of the working week, for you lot anyway, I've been at work since 7am. What awesome crap did you get up to at the weekend? What've you got on this week?
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 4 Apr 2011, 9:02, 108 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Like a while ago, but not
A brave new thread, kids, because the future beckons.

Let me tell you in no uncertain terms that my rum life in the bus world will shortly be behind me.

Self employment rolls before me as an endless vista for fleecing the feckless.

And I say unto ye - cop that, mongys.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sun 3 Apr 2011, 21:08, 138 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

"Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man." Leon Trotsky
Favourite quotes please.

Alt: Spades eh? (Just for BrianHequator).
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Sun 3 Apr 2011, 14:21, 105 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

so who here is like, i dunno, alright?

( Sir Sand GOBLIN ^popular page dis, Sun 3 Apr 2011, 1:38, 27 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Saturday evening generic thread
I'll just leave this here in case anyone turns up...
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Sat 2 Apr 2011, 20:07, 104 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Oh my giddy aunt.
I was watching a youtube clip of Caravan on the bbc in 1971 when I noticed a link to Hatfield and the north.
I LOVED Hatfield and the north way back then so had a listen. They were fucking dire.
What did you love that is fucking dire now? Null points for YM unless it's the first answer.

Alt: Hearts eh?
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Sat 2 Apr 2011, 12:45, 13 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

What's happening ot?

( Sir Sand GOBLIN ^popular page dis, Sat 2 Apr 2011, 3:06, 10 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Getting a little bit crowded down there
Some upbeat music anyone?

Or how about some shit TV?
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Sat 2 Apr 2011, 0:20, 74 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Alright Bellends.
I've had 2 bottles of wine, several pints and been out for a fucking massive curry.

I feel really bloated.

What have you done this evening?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:23, 202 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

New Thread!

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 22:22, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Dumbass fucking people! UGH!
my roommates DUMBASS girlfriend was up in my bathroom apparently because her hairy fucking hair band was on my fucking toothbrush and I tell her to watch it and she's all "It's not like I have lice or anything"
REALLY. Would you eat food that had someone elses hair in it? NO.
Why the FUCK would I brush my goddamned teeth after your hair has been braided through my fucking toothbrush you stupid fucking cunt!

Know anyone such as this?
Should I just kill her in her sleep?

alt: favorite type of something, i don't know, just go on then and tell me about your mum, she's lovely innit
( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 18:40, 145 replies, latest was 15 years ago)