Psychology Dave.. what an utter cunt!
I studied at Goldsmiths a few years ago. We had a lot of Daves and Toms so they all were granted with hilarious epithets so we could tell them apart. Big Tom, Little tom, Scouse Dave Max Dave...

There was one Dave who thought his name was Psychology Dave and introduced himself as such in my Fresher's week. I remember asking someone about that complete dick, Psychology dave. They looked at me confused,

"Who?"

"Oo-ooh. No. That's Cunt Dave. Cos he's a cunt."

The sad thing was it truly was his nickname, EVERYONE including the cleaners in the union called him that.

It was Bum Tom I really felt sorry for though....
(miralice, Sat 20 May 2006, 9:16, Reply)

The last one is the best.
My uncle's nickname is Dumpy, for Dumptruck. I guess he resembles one. Wasn't aware that I wasn't supposed to call it to his face...

My cousin's name is Kent, and he gets called Trevor, I have no idea why. My little sister has always been called Jack by his mum, which also has nothing to do with her name. I just got Katus.

One of my friends thought it would be hilarious to call me Gusset when I was younger, as 'gus' is part of my surname. I didn't know what a gusset was til much later (it's the... reinforced? for lack of a better word, part of a pair of undies)

That same friend has a long-standing nickname of 'Busharse'. Her last name is Heginbotham, which is quite a mouthful... one kid called her 'hedgey bottom' which eventually evolved to Busharse. I love it.

Girth beats length every time, boys.
(kadee may or may not be a nymphomaniac, Sat 20 May 2006, 8:08, Reply)

More than a nickname
I was in the University, and it was the first day of a class. The teacher's assistant was taking role. And one name he called out was "Rabbit." Naturally, I turned around to see, and here was this very, very, very blond girl, blond eyebrows, so blond she was almost albino. And with buck-teeth as well. And that was her true name.
Hateful hippy parents.
(tintinmilou, Sat 20 May 2006, 4:37, Reply)

kinda strange/dumb
my nick name has been Harry Nips...
this is from star trek voyager...apparently i'm like the unimportant bastard (at the bottom of the ladder at work) ensign harry kim.
oh and my nipples seemed to get hard really easily(they've calmed down now though).
monger, in primary school i got called "winky"-apparently this was the name of some frog in donkey kong, i never got told why this was relevant.
my brother is a fishmonger so o and i instead...everybody else called him wet lettuce on account of his droopy cock
(Just Harry What should I put here?, Sat 20 May 2006, 2:59, Reply)

Kids can be so cruel...
In elementary school I was one of those kids who was just begging to be teased (I've been told I'm very pretty blushing and in tears).

At the time I was known as Jenna, a nickname that had carried over from kindergarten. Some wiseass thought it would be funny, as I hit the growth spurt early, to start calling me "Jenna Tall"..

the name stuck until some teacher got wind of it a few weeks later =(
(IsDelicious, Sat 20 May 2006, 2:52, Reply)

Box. Because I'm 98% cardboard.

( Fictional Emma, Sat 20 May 2006, 2:43, Reply)

er...oops.
I had a school-mate who I was constantly trying to set up with womenfolk. On double date him and the girl i'd set him up with started pashing like groper eels. Great - so we left them to it while me and mine had a shag. Upon returning the poor 15yr old lassie was sitting white in the face with a cat on her lap. It turns out he'd got up her top, and then down her pants and... oops wrong hole.

It got around her posh girls school and back to ours like wildfire. He's now a High Court barrister -- and he still gets called 'Goldfinger'
( hismastersvice cunting flange-jammer, Sat 20 May 2006, 1:01, Reply)

Highschool
A guy at highschool had the surname of Woodcock hence the nickname 'Timber Dick'. Anyone who didn't know his surname would think he had that nickname for other reasons.

Also we had a Thai student staying for a couple of years. I don't even know his real name but it was too hard to pronounce anyway so he was known as 'Fes' (pronounced Fez) which stood for foreign exchange student.

For the whole time in highschool a girl in my class was know as 'Lips', 'Flaps' or 'Camel' as one mufti day she wore a rather tight pair of pants which caused a serious case of camel toe!
(ThoughtsInsideADream, Sat 20 May 2006, 0:52, Reply)

Nicknames of some of the blokes in my social circle.
Gaybar (he's straight)
Jizz-Bag
Lurch
No-Balls
That Cunt (he's not too popular...)
( Sylia Stingray is pilfering the biscuits on, Sat 20 May 2006, 0:38, Reply)

Talking of bollocks...
A mate of my brother's, while still a callow youth (about 30 years ago) decided to cut out the middleman, dinner-date-and-foreplay-wise, and Go Straight To Hull with a hooker.

He acquired a painful disease which made his scrotum swell to the size and texture of a cricket ball and was eventually rushed to hospital in agony, where he 'lost' one testicle.

He was known afterwards as Tomsk, Orinoco, Bungo, Tobermory, Madame Cholet...

Why?

A top tune at the time was Mike Batt's 'Remember You're A Womble', soon amended to '...A One-Ball'.

He's getting on a bit now so he's usually Great Uncle Bulgaria.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Sat 20 May 2006, 0:28, Reply)

My friend Joe.
he has a nickname.

'Dirty Uncle Joe'

we arent the only people to give him this name. He is 21.
( HelloIamAdam and Adam is my name, Sat 20 May 2006, 0:19, Reply)

Nicks
But seriously though, we in "the band" have nicknames for ourselves, mostly made up by our lead guitarist. Before you ask, none of these actually have relation to our real names, we just thought they'd all sound amusing. Turns out they're also easier to scream when you're yelling at people to stop/start playing across a room full of guitarists, a bass player and a drummer all wanking away.

Lead Guitarist: Soonji
Drummer: Drummer-boy (No, I don't know. Wasn't my idea.)
Lead singer(thatsa-mi!): Chauncey
Bassist: Ali-G
Rhythm guitarists: Conroy, Maurice and Mr. Chincenson.

You'll notice that like most high-school bands we have far too many rhythm guitarists for our own good. The only that makes being in "the band" bearable really is the nicknames.
(Poogle, Sat 20 May 2006, 0:15, Reply)

Sigh
People call me Bear, not bad.


Unfortunatly It's relating to the bear of Bo'Selecta.




Bastards.
(Captain Schexxy / MrGreen Is less clever than The Fresh Prince, Fri 19 May 2006, 23:42, Reply)

Worst Nickname...well for the ex-boyfriend it was
When i was in big school many moons ago, we had a guy - lets call him Andrew Wheeler....anyway, he nicked another guys girlfriend right out from under him (ie she left the other guy)...Anyhoo...from that day on he became known as "Andrew Wheeler Dealer Wicked Woman Stealer"...
(Dogzilla, Fri 19 May 2006, 23:00, Reply)

Ex-pawnbroker
A colleague of mine had to go off for an op on his balls (suspected cancer). We saw him off with a drink and heartfelt sympathy for his plight.

A week later he appears, grinning from ear to ear.

"Guess what lads! It wasn't the Big C, it was an extra testicle!"

Pause.

"No wonder the condoms kept splitting".

We showed him no mercy afer that.
(all my scars face forward possesses 2.5% of a hyperalloy combat chassis, Fri 19 May 2006, 22:55, Reply)

So many..
My nickname in the raucous Midlands market town where I started my drinking career was "Gazza", which I hated. I mean.. ffs

This became "Shirty" at Uni due to my collection of lurid and disgusting striped and Hawaiian shirts that I acquired during a part time job at a clothes shop in the same town, and were all the rage at Cleo's at the time but not so popular in the Officer's mess (we weren't officers btw). Which is why I wore them. So many people in the UK still struggle to remember my real name, including some *cough Pete* I've known for more than 10 years.

Elmo - our good mate Stu who crapped out of Uni after a couple of mental years. Was rabbiting away drunk on the dancefloor in his top banana Cockney accent when Jim told him he sounded like Elmo Putney out of Brush Strokes. Heh. By the end of Uni half the staff and most of the kids & forces dudes didn't know mine or Elmo's real names, which was amusing as fook.

Gwyn - not even his real name but the one he enrolled as (wierdo) - was a nutcase who picked his teeth in lectures with a flickknife, drove insanely fast and talked utter crap. He drank bottles of vodka for tea before regaling us with tales of god-knows-what, leathered, while we were (say) cooking some supper in the kitchen. Or cleaning our rooms. Or whatever. Like - go away !! Mad as a fish, left after one year on account of never being quite on planet Earth. Known as Psycho, the Welsh Wonder, lots of other names too..

Doug. Or Doug "E" Drug. Was quite easily the best and looniest dude I have ever known in me life. We had a party in his garden one fine evening, they dragged all the living room furniture outside. His room at Uni resembled an explosion in a junk shop. Real name Richard.

Cabbage (Karen). A girl I went out with, possibbly a bit of a cruel nick but she never complained. In fact she may even of made it up herself. I cannae remember noo.

Krusty (Kirsty). Another unfortunate nick, she didn't seem to mind too much either. Heh. Her boyfriend was a total hippy who played golf (go figure), I ended up living with him for a while with another dude called Ben. Ben 2 became known as Doctor (after Dr Stupid from Ren & Stimpy).

Tall Paul. Because he was tall, and his name was Paul, maybe. Called himself Paulo Poverini. Legendary substance abuser.

Looroll. Not a nice nickname for Laura (another ex) who actually didn't like that one. I still accidentally call her it. Meh.

Sharkman. Aka Count Sharkula, Sharklander, Sharkpeeg and Sharkster. And boh. Actually that's what most of my mates in the UK call each other - Boh. Easy to remember I guess..

Best ever - FST, FSD, FSG, FSM... Short for Fukcing Stupid Takiss, who was named by my (amusing) boss in Croydon after said chap came across as something of a dimwit. Obviously we all started calling each other derivatives of this (Fukcing Stupid Daron, Fukcing Stupid John... etc) which livened up the long days no end. John rarely addressed Matt by his name but sang "Matt O'Shea, Matt O'Shea, Matt O'Shea.." to the tune of "ere we go". Fun times.

Me ? I'm happy with Monkeyboy now. I mean, the resemblance is there, and there's no way I'm explaining where Shirty came from AGAIN.

Apologies for length but hey, reminiscing makes you feel better, no ?
(Shirtmonkey, Fri 19 May 2006, 22:47, Reply)

Spooner - mum hits cocks with wooden spoon
A schoolfriend of mine informs me that his mum works with "special needs" young adults including bathing them. If a young lad get a boner whilst bathing , the mum hits said lads cock with wooden spoon to discourage him. I asked my friend if his mum does the same with him and he replies yes,of course, doesn't your mum? This reply catapults my friend into urban myth - "Spooner".
(poodleseatnoodles, Fri 19 May 2006, 22:36, Reply)

John West
A lad at college was known as John West, because his mates caught him with tinned salmon smeared on his cock.

He was letting the cat lick it off when they walked in his room unannounced.
( Smallbrainfield, Fri 19 May 2006, 22:33, Reply)

Dog Cock
Full name - saggy dog cock. Tall lad,James was his name, sporty guy. Was the bigest asshole you ever met. One day at lunch me and my mates were thinking of rude names for each other (as 13 year olds do). Most were just the usual dickface, scrotumboy. But then, out of the blue came, hey James is a dick, why don't we call him Saggy dog cock? Over time the name stuck, and was shortened to just Dock cock because it took to long to say. No one actually calls him James anymore, even teachers know hes called Dog Cock.






He is a very smug bastard, too.
(dicksdickson, Fri 19 May 2006, 22:25, Reply)

My brother...
My brother was known as "Ten Bellies" when he was younger, because his friends reckoned he was twice as fat as Paul Gasgoine's morbidly obese Northern drinking pal, Jimmy Five Bellies.

They also called him "Cob" - on the basis that if they couldn't shorten Jake, they'd lengthen it to Jacob and then shorten that instead.



(Neither of which are as bad as one of his mates though, who was known as "Jack the Ripper" after a wanking accident...)
(Frank., Fri 19 May 2006, 22:16, Reply)

I used to work with a chap called Stu.
He was also, unfortunately, a bit dim. Hence we called him Pid.

The funniest part is how we called him this every day for a whole summer. He never caught on.
( SugarSpunSister Yeah, whatever, Fri 19 May 2006, 21:51, Reply)

keep it quick
Robert + is annoying = Knobert









*snigger*
(Shpadoinkle Serious Awesomness, Fri 19 May 2006, 21:25, Reply)

living in china
i learnt that the chinese sometimes refer to an extremely fat person as "general belly" because in the army the generals will (without fail) be large in the stomach region. unfortunately, out of the two white guys in the village, i was the larger - and im not even fat - so i got general belly. as a poor payback, i called the other bloke daddy long legs with reference to his height. sad, i know, but ... times out there could get dull without this kind of banter.
(zenmeban thinks the weather could be better, Fri 19 May 2006, 20:59, Reply)

He lived up to it,too.

During my uni days,I had the misfortune of knowing Ian,one of the most pretentious art-school dropouts ever to clutter the face of the earth. He was about as welcome at any gathering as your mum on your honeymoon(which should be not),yet somehow,he always managed to be around.

One day,he showed up at our local with the beginnings of a patchy goatee on his chin. . .and was known as 'Twatface' from then on.
For variety we called him Yeastie,for like the infection he was annoying,hard to get rid of,and once you thought the fucker was finally gone,surprise -- he's back.
(louveciennes , Volvospotter, Fri 19 May 2006, 20:57, Reply)

A rather daft one, if I dare say so
This one is my friend who, on a night out with a lady friend (who was his girlfriend about 10 minutes later, crafty lad) walked her back to her house. En route, she nearly walks into a tree, which my friend pushes away to prevent possible scratchy injury. Nothing special.

Next day, I get wind of this. Being the barmy, pathetically single bugger that I was, I blew this out of proportion and to this day we call him Tim the Tree Slayer. I spun a tale of strife, woe and percevierance where he valiantly risks his own saftey to protect his fair damsel.

Every long branch we pass, every overgrown tree, every odd-looking rosebush; he gets a comment. He's rather sick of it now, but nobody else seems to care. Possibly went to far when I suggested the only reason they got together was because he saved her from the clutches of the evil oak tree of Alekor. *dramatic noise*

I'm available, ladies...
( Iki I think my camel is dead., Fri 19 May 2006, 20:48, Reply)

Miller Mike
I'm in the flat with the lads, some beers are being consumed, some funnies are being observed, Mike ( a house mate ) leaves to the pub, we stay ... we drink .... we watch...

*slam* (that was the door) "alllright guwys" says Mike "HI" we reply, then mike says infront of the tv obstructing
our view of Garth Merengys Darkplace "guys guyws ive thoughwt of a cool nick name fwowm now on .. ok .... I'm MILLER TIME MIKE"

Laughter ensued, for many hours, who the hell gives them self a nick name!!??
( sutton a non-prophet organization!, Fri 19 May 2006, 20:46, Reply)

albert
blond kid, pain in the ass. very scary blonde.

Obviously, albert the albino.

just albert would send him into a frenzy.

Going to school in essex was just amazing.

Tyler Hunt, often called mike. Cracking bloke - just no-one told him he was Mike.

Maggot, Little French wormy guy. Sadly he has passed on - Big respect for one friggin mad iritating frenchie. Rest in Peace.

chipspam - guy with massive forehead and chicken pox scars on it. Often sung to the final countdown, "The final chipspam" would frenzy him good. Chip, cowslick - for his spam fringe, spamhead.

Linford. linford was very special. Ginger (heil the fuhrer), no coordination (hit his own head with javelin, dropped shot put down his back and couldn't scissor jump a 50cm high jump bar although he was 5foot8).He loved sport though - and was spotted "winning" the olympic 100m when walking his dog at 6am and doing a low lunging fist pump, just like linford christie.
( bazza van der trance , ooh baby baby, baby baby. Get up on this., Fri 19 May 2006, 20:39, Reply)

How could I forget!!!!
Just remebered!! I used to work at a company where one of the menagers was called X Goodenough!!!
Known generaly as "Hardly" or "Not".




Two kids and she still winces!!
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Fri 19 May 2006, 20:38, Reply)

Sad but all too true
I used to drink with a guy who was nicknamed WAP. He even had it tattooed on his arm. As this had no apparent link with his christian name or surname I asked him, "Why are you called WAP?"
And with an unfeasibly proud grin he said, "It stands for What A Plonker"

What a plonker.
(qbslim, Fri 19 May 2006, 20:35, Reply)

penguin
i will burn for this - but there was a girl about 2 foot tall with a proper medical condition that meant she was very different. About backpack sized.

When she walked, she waddled like a penguin. If only we had the balls to paint her black and white and flip her fish.
( bazza van der trance , ooh baby baby, baby baby. Get up on this., Fri 19 May 2006, 20:24, Reply)