Baywatch
So I was running on the beach (I live in California) and I admit I must have looked kind of gay, in just a pair of speedos. Couple of Mexican dudes sitting on the beach with their girlfriends. One stands up and shouts "Hey Baywatch, way to go!"

Yep I felt like a real dick
(veniceboy lives in California, Sat 8 Apr 2006, 18:37, Reply)

Your mother!
The apparantly latest and greatest retort available in my school and on street corners to an insult is "Yer maw!" or something to that effect.
I witnessed an exchange between two local chavs on opposite sides of a street.
Chav 1: *throws apple at Chav 2*
Chav 2: *is hit by apple* "What the... a fooking apple?!"
Chav 1: "So's yer maw!"
Me (mit puzzled look on face): "Your mother is an apple?!"

Not so much a heckle as an observation on crap ones. No apologies made.
(Eilidh likes comfortable shoes., Sat 8 Apr 2006, 18:22, Reply)

Many Moons Ago.....
I was wasted after clubbing near me on a Saturday night, when i saw Jody Morris (then at Chelsea) trying to give it the big'un to some ladies........





What follows are pieced together from friends....

- I stumble over to the Chelsea midfielder...

- After much effort i get his attention...

- "You're Jody Morris" I slur...

- "Yeah" He replies trying to look big (at 5'4") to my 6'!

- "You played utter shit at the bridge today" I explain in a way only a drunk can say

- Que laffs from everyone and me staggering off!


.....I did meet Frank Sinclair too, but he was a cult legend where i used to sit!!


Blah, blah, length etc!
( Random Image Yes, yes, I'll speak to you on Monday, Sat 8 Apr 2006, 18:18, Reply)

The missus wasn't impressed but I found it funny
when I took her to see Return of the King, it got towards the end of the movie and the scene with Frodo and Sam on the rock thinking they were going to die there and the emotional speech by Sam there came the very clear voice of a child saying "JUST FUCK HIM AND GET OVER WITH!" I was in hysterics and she tutted.
(boltneck sacrificed a smurf to Cthulhu on, Sat 8 Apr 2006, 18:16, Reply)

This was my reply
to somebody booing my band last year:
www.zippyvideos.com/72399022448275.html
I knew bringing a cricket bat on stage was be useful...
( Peach Motorbike I hate the cut of your jib, Sat 8 Apr 2006, 18:10, Reply)

why spurs are called the yids...
according to a fan site:

"Yids" or "Yiddos" began to be used in the 1980s, mainly by rival Arsenal fans because of the large Jewish population in the Haringey/Stamford Hill area. The Spurs fans made the nickname a badge of honour by calling themselves the "Yids" or "Yiddos".
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 8 Apr 2006, 17:51, Reply)

Kids say the sweetest things...
A friend of mine was a youth worker, working in Manchester with young offenders as part of their court ordered 'rehabilitation' into society. He enjoyed his job, and was eager to be 'down with the kids'. He's also a bit of a hippy.

Anyway, one summer he turned up for work wearing a sarong, which amused the 15 or so young teenage chavs that had turned up for the session no end. After an hour of being called a poof, David tried to reason with them saying, 'Just because I am wearing a sarong, doesn't mean I'm gay. I mean, David Beckham wears them doesn't he?'

All was silent, till a scally 12 year old lad piped up from the back, 'Yeah, but Posh Spice takes it up the arse doesn't she sir?'

He didn't wear a sarong again.
( Wicca'd Witch needs ideas for a new sig on..., Sat 8 Apr 2006, 17:47, Reply)

Friendly Fire
Around the start of the year I went to a Rangers game and witnessed one fan heckle his own support and team.

Firstly just before half time and at full time he was heard to shout at some fans leaving early to avoid the queues "Oi, something exciting happening? where you all going?"

Secondly when the striker burst through and was heading to the goal one fan screamed "shoot" he then fluffed the shot, above fan shouts out "I would but I haven't a fucking gun!"
(Pfft_Of_Course_We_Graduated_COCK_Beer?, Sat 8 Apr 2006, 17:43, Reply)

chubby brown
delivered two of the great heckle put downs of all time.

1. Chubby tried to start his show and 3 times some women in the audience just shouts as he starts to talk. He stopped twice and just smiled. Third time he looks at her and says 'I hope your fanny isn't as big as your mouth'!
2. Another show, he tries to tell a joke and a guy in the audience keeps shouting at him. Chubby stops and says 'If you were so important then all the seats would be facing you'

Needless to say, the heckles stopped.
( sneep used to date Freddie Starr's hamster, Sat 8 Apr 2006, 17:37, Reply)

Football matches and classrooms
are where I've heard the best.

Leicester are playing some-one, and it was when we had Julian Joachim up front, who was bloody quick. Some launches a pass over the top for him to run after, and its miles away from him and runs out of play. From about 5 seats in front of me, someone shouts

"Linford Christie couldn't have got to that - on a bike..."

Queue silence than a massive wave of laughter that had Brian Little looking up from the dug-out, shrugging his shoulders!

In the classroom.

One of the kids, Louis, his mum is the Receptionist. In walks Dean, about 15 minutes late to the lesson. "why are you late Dean" I ask. Up pipes Lewis, "he was in the bogs, Sir, having a smoke". "I like a fag while your mum sucks my dick" Dean replies. I couldn't do anything but laugh...
(gjb006, Sat 8 Apr 2006, 17:26, Reply)

Mafia
A couple of years ago i worked for an insurance-company in the west of Holland. One guy from somewhere else on the floor often dropped by at our group to discuss al kinds of different things. Business, football, the weekend, anything.
Now this one day, when we hadn't seen him for almost a week, he all of a sudden dropped by again, dressed in a very fancy and shiny black suit. As he was often dressed in a suit when he was meeting customers, i thought nothing of it and decided to make a joke about it.
"Hi Ramon, nice suit. Did you have a job interview with the Mafia?"
Complete silence all around when he replied
"No, i just came back from my mothers funeral."

Yike.
(Bokbiertrol, Sat 8 Apr 2006, 17:04, Reply)

The father of the bride
spoke, and he said words to the effect of "this lovely young couple who first met when she was 14, and she still looks the same now", to which I cried out "Shame!"
(maeonides, Sat 8 Apr 2006, 16:40, Reply)

another arsenal one...
..only just remember this one told to me by my arsenal supporting mate.

So it seems he was at a north london derby (arsenal vs spurs for those not in the know). The arsenal fans (lovingly, I'm sure) refer to the spurs supporters as 'yids' since they're clearly all jewish. i dont know why either.

Anyway, during the warm up one of the arsenal fans gets up and shouts towards the spurs fans:

"I'D RATHER BE A SPASTIC THAN A YID!"

which drew a mixed reaction of shock and laughter from the surrouding fans.
(widdy, Sat 8 Apr 2006, 16:35, Reply)

Rugby
I am an avid Leicester Tigers fan and am the proud owner of a season ticket in the Alliance and Leicester stand right at the front so we get a good view of the mascots (Two people dressed up as Tigers). When me and my mate see them coming our way, we break into a chorus of "Tiger Tiger burning bright, Vandals set the zoo alight!" over and over again. We also remark upon whether they are just tramps off the street given a McDonald's and told to fuck off after the game.

They go past us quickly now
(The_Reaper, Sat 8 Apr 2006, 16:32, Reply)

A Few
1) Not exactly heckling but stupidity nevertheless and shouting out/embarassing semi-famous people. Walking back from college, my friend usually passed Stuart White. One time, we were walking together, he walked up and she goes "Look its Stuart White!"

"Where?"

"There!" Only she misjudged it and was actually pointing right in his face. Cue both of us bursting out laughing and leaving him glaring.

2) Actual heckling. Once, the school at that time decided to bring in a Status Quo member to talk to us. (No, I don't know why.) We were very aware that it was going to be a long, tedious hour.

Goes up, condescending tone... "Hello ... I'm not sure if any of you listen to.."

"Yeah, you're shit."

Absolute quiet.
(ladyintheradiator, Sat 8 Apr 2006, 16:26, Reply)

My sister does all kinds of dance and drama productions,
some of which I grudgingly attend. Anyway, this particular event was rather dire, and I'd taken the precaution of bringing along my MP3 player and a book to occupy myself until my beloved sibling came on stage.

Eventually, her act was announced by the bored-sounding young woman doing the commentary. Taking exception to this demeaning tone, and feeling compelled to say something, I remarked to the person next to me "She didn't sound very enthusiastic, did she?" Unfortunately, my noise-reducing headphones made everything sound very quiet, so to compensate I was practically shouting.

Most of the audience cracked up, the announcer looked suitably embarassed, and I got some really nasty looks from other members of the production team. I did notice a distinct improvement in the vigour and spirit with which further acts were announced, though.
( MooCow_Byter, Sat 8 Apr 2006, 16:21, Reply)

Silly Indies
A few friends and myself went out on teh town a few weeks ago, and after about 2 hours, we were fairly merry, and we decided to walk down the street to a posh bar-restaurant thing for a drink.

Now, being me, who wears jeans full of holes, JD t-shirts, leather jackets and bandannas, as well as long hair, i was sceptical at first.

Upon entering, we walked up to the bar, and i was greeted by a group of indie mother-fuckers intent on ripping my dress sense to shreds.

"Music is about what you KNOW, not what you look like".

Too which i replied,
"ooh, is THAT your excuse for wearing a pink waist coat!?"

Stayed quiet ever since.
( Lord Aerixis, Sat 8 Apr 2006, 15:52, Reply)

Edwina Currie's Major Headache
So just before the War on/in/around Iraq, when it was all fun and games in the media, some bright spark at ITV decides that to coincide with Edwina Currie's new late night talk show, their opening show would be a debate about whether or not the UK should go to war. An entirely pointless exercise but made all the more interesting by the fact that during the week her book came out which talked about her affair with John Major.

You can see where this is going, can't you?

The debate's centred on the existence of WMD and someone pointed out that there's no reason to doubt they're there, the Conservatives can just check their receipts.
Another Labour supporter shouts out "The Tories fucked Britain!"
Quick as a flash, someone else goes "Edwina wouldn't know, she was busy fucking Major!"

That got edited out, as did my fantastically amazing argument that stumped her.

Be gentle, I'm new.
(SandMonkeyDeluxe, Sat 8 Apr 2006, 15:43, Reply)

Reminded by Professor Yaffle (Near Top, Page 3)
Glastonbury '05. Ryan Adams was meant to play the John Peel Stage Sunday night but ended up pulling out, so Bright Eyes played instead. Dunno what he was on, but the lead singer was being a complete git and getting heckled something rotten for it, being called all the 4 letter words you can imagine.

The most amusing heckles however came from people shouting for "Summer of '69". They had failed to notice, in their drunken/stoned little worlds, that
1. it was meant to be Ryan, not Bryan Adams
2. Ryan Adams wasn't even playing, and
3. Bright Eyes neither look nor sound like Bryan Adams!
I still don't know whether they were taking the piss, I seriously hope so...
(Graz Da Frog, Sat 8 Apr 2006, 15:27, Reply)

Never heckle a hypnotist...
As I foolishly did. Lo Reid has an evil sense of humour. First of all, she thoroughly put me in my place with a decent put down, as all entertainers are apt to do. However, the put down is irrelevant here. It's what she did next. There is a part of the act where she convinces people that a pair of spectacles she gives them enables them to see through people's clothes. All fine and good you think. Alas, no. She added the extra caveat that not only could they see through my clothes, she also convinced said volunteers my balls hanged down to me knees and my dick was nowhere to be seen. As I have said before, never heckle a hypnotist.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Sat 8 Apr 2006, 15:11, Reply)

Not exactly a heckle, but...
I was arguing with a male chav at the end of a lesson
Me: Shut up, you twat.
Him: At least I don't sound like a lad!
Me (walking out of the class): I know you don't!
(The Disillusioned Starburst, Sat 8 Apr 2006, 15:07, Reply)

Mind games
Last year, I took the girlfriend to see Derren Brown at the Lowry theatre. During a tension builder to some mind reading an audience member calls out "Get on with it!" or some such useless comment. Brown quips back "I could have you wetting the bed for the rest of your life." I'm sure this is his stockline and uses it in pretty much every show but it still made us giggle like buffoons.
(UPSET, Sat 8 Apr 2006, 14:43, Reply)

On the bus
On the schoolbus when I was a few years younger, and wore glasses, big school bully says "your glasses make you look like a rat" my reply: "your face makes you look like a twat", cue much applause for rhyming comeback.
( Didyoumissme1, Sat 8 Apr 2006, 14:42, Reply)

Hatstand heckling
I don't think words can do justice to the bizarreness of this evening, but here goes...
It must have been December 1998; we were a group of 7 or so assorted students. We turned up at the John Snow in Soho just in time for the night's comedy. Inevitably, the only seats left were the entire front row, which we filled. The compere was amused by us, accused us of being Sigue Sigue Sputnik and took pleasure in ribbing our Spanish friend Antonio. The compere’s look of shock and defeat when Antonio revealed he was a Glaswegian called Rob more than made up for it.

This was nothing, however, compared to one of the girls in our group. At various points of the evening, she would put her hand up, as if at school. At first, the comedians took a moment to overcome their surprise. Then they would ask her why she had her hand up and she would ask a question, such as:
"Do you have a Blue Peter Badge?"
"What are you doing for New Year?"
"Will you be watching Jools Holland's Hootenanny?"
I've never seen a comedian thrown like this. They probably all had put downs at the ready, but you can't use them when someone asks an innocent question out of nowhere. And she just wouldn't stop.

Until the break that is. The second half started without her. This threw the performers as much as her presence. Where is she? Why has she disappeared? Eventually, she strolled back to her seat with the simple explanation: "I fell asleep on the loo."

I would say her act was genius, if I thought it was an act. But that was just the way she was.
( Odradek the Indecisive, Sat 8 Apr 2006, 14:35, Reply)

not mine but...
This one's from someone i knew going on the neighbours set tour and seeing the actor who plays harold bishop:

hey harold! how come you're so fat?

cos every time i fuck your mum she gives me a biscuit



made me laugh alot when i first heard it.
(deathbyfeedback, Sat 8 Apr 2006, 13:20, Reply)

Went to Rocky Horror the other day...
... now as you may know, this is full of heckling, practically every line being answered by someone in the crowd, usually light hearted, e.g.

narrator - "But what was over?"
heckler - "Your career!"

But the highlight of my night had to be this one;

franknfurter - "My children have turned against me"
heckler - "that's what gary glitter said"
( Woking Girl, Sat 8 Apr 2006, 13:11, Reply)

A guy from BAE systems (ie arms dealers) was giving a talk
and he was describing all the defensive products BAE produce to show that they're nice really and save lives rather than just make guns to kill people.

Anyway, do you remember when the army were called out to gatwick to stop bin laden blowing up planes, the daily mail, in their style rpoduced a mock up of a turban clad terrorist firing a rocket launcher at a plane. The guy was using this picture as an example of the sort fo real life incident that BAE could protect people from. I just shouted out 'Shame it wasn't real though'. That shut the bastard up for a bit.

apologies for rambling bollocks
(Angus Prune, Sat 8 Apr 2006, 12:59, Reply)

I'm pretty sure he would've as well
Went to see a couple of friends play their first and only gig just before christmas a few years ago in a local pub and they were really quite terrible...

anywho's, in between a couple of the songs and the crowd are getting restless as the boys on the stage are a bit shambolic to say the least, a guy shouts at the top of his lungs "I WANT TO RAPE YOU". Queue a few bemused looks and the band hurried up and played a rousing version of 'Last Christmas' which got the biggest cheer of the night.

apologies but it is my first post and all that
(El Spineless Hippo i want to touch you, Sat 8 Apr 2006, 12:54, Reply)

Old Hat
I'm sure I've mentioned these under another QotW before, but here goes.

The compere at a club I went to with a mate years ago was having trouble with the microphone and said, "What am I doing wrong with this mike?". May mate replied, "Talking into it". Not mindblowing, but I was impressed with the speed.

Later on, I was at a club where Alistair Barrie was compering and he was taking the piss out of me for being an Oxford student. Warming to his theme he asked, "So if you're an Oxford student, what brings you here?" and I replied, "The train". Again, not hilarious, but the audience seemed to like it and it shut him up for a while.
(DoctorJ last upset some twat who doesn't like swearing on, Sat 8 Apr 2006, 12:37, Reply)

Does she?
Heard a great local story (I don't think it's posted here yet) - some bloke, during half time, in the centre circle, proposed to his then girlfriend who accepted.

As they walked off, the crowd started chanting "Does she take it, Does she take it, Does she take it up the arse? Does she take it up the arse?" - to the tune of "Get your tits out, etc".

Apparently they laughed it off, but a good few thousand people chanting that to the woman had to be funny as fuck!

No apologies for length - it's a black thing.
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Sat 8 Apr 2006, 12:05, Reply)