I can't help but think of my life as a narrative
I know it's not, but it's unavoidable. By the rules of narrative, therefore I should get this job I've not even applied for yet. It just makes more sense in the story

q: What character are you and what kind of film is it?
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 17:49, 97 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

If you were a member of the opposite sex
do you reckon you'd be different? What traits would stay physically/be worse etc?

Alt Q: Nicest thing through the post recently?
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 16:04, 249 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I just got asked if I knew what a posing pouch was, for the purposes of a case
what strange things have you been asked at work (or school, fucking students, grr, etc)?

Alt Q: What was your favourite sweet when you were a kid? Has it lost it's magic and/or been discontinued since then? I used to love flumps which are still awesome) and Trolli burgers, which seem to have disappeared.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 15:11, 259 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Is there anyone who has a decent knowledge of computers, specifically wireless-ing and could spare a minute of their time?

(TheColonel, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 14:35, 18 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Three sentences
Write a story in three sentences - beginning, middle, end.

For example:-

She loved him but didn't have him.
He screwed them both for fun.
She killed him.

Go.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 13:32, 241 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I had a really horrific dream last night.
I was on the plane that crashed into the twin towers, it was horrible. It ended with me clinging onto my best friend and a baby tiger as the plane got closer and closer to the tower. Then there was a terrible crash and a scream of metal and a falling sensation and I woke up. Not nice.

What did you dream about last night? I hope it was nicer than mine.

Alt Q: Are you a clean freak or will you happily live in a pigsty?
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 11:55, 176 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Anyone any good at search engine optimisation and want to earn a few quid?
If so please gaz me. Ta.
(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 10:45, 55 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

as so many people on here seem to like breasts
please can we talk about bras for a minute, as this issue has been foxing me for the last couple of weeks.

for the girls: i just got back from holiday and the friend i went with tells me that the way i put my bra on is ridiculously over complicated (putting it on without the straps, swivelling it round to do up the hooks, then swivelling it back, straps up, done - hardly complicated!). how do you do it, am i missing a trick that could give me seconds longer in bed every working morning, as i never realised there were alternative options.

and for the boys: how are your bra skills? do you fumble with each hook for about 15 minutes or do you just need to glance at her for the hooks to fly open all by themselves?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 10:08, 218 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

so I've now been sick for four days.
I've had chicken soup and vitamin c and lots of rest and am really. really. bored.

Cheer me up with how awesome your days are going to be.

ALTquestion since people say they have nothing to contribute:
how does one exact revenge upon an old boss for stiffing one out of at least 200 dollars for one's tax return?
(Poppet some assembly required., Thu 5 Aug 2010, 8:42, 87 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Damn guys! I get back from my trip and look what happens!
It's almost 10, and at dinner I asked my girlfriend to marry me. She said yes! My mom and her mom both cried and it was a very special moment.
There is no way in hell is the dog being the ring bearer. I predict our moms and her sister are going to make my life hell when we pick a date.
(nolongernuts, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 2:58, 66 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Good evening laydees.
My name is Craig. I have several qualifications, an employment history you simply wouldn't believe, and a dog. My life may seem full, but in fact, it is missing the companionship of a good woman. The only relationship I have had recently was with 'Big Eric', and that was fleeting. For some reason he could only perform in the shower block, which meant that as he was a somewhat lardy type with slightly dubious personal hygiene standards, our trysts took place every other Sunday, just before Top Gear.

On the plus side, I no longer make a noise when I fart which means I can blame it on anyone in the immediate vicinity. This is another skill I shall add to my extensive CV.

Will you marry me?
(Craig Colclough I've been on the telly you know. And in the papers, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 21:53, 80 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

It's 8:22 pm and I am stuck indoors watching Celebrity Master Chef
I have completely ignored the dentist and am having a smoke?

whats the last bit of advice you ignored and what were the consequences?

Alt Q: What the hell do I do staying in? I don't like this.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 20:23, 71 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I am Ed's other account.
I've fooled you all for years.


Bwahahahaha!!
( girlinthehole, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 19:21, 45 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Today
I walked three miles to get back home, dragging a suitcase, rather than wait two hours for a bus. What unlikely and/or amazing thing have you done today?

Alt Q: I have no food in the house. Take my mind off my hunger. Not a question, just a plea
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 17:45, 111 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Roger is Monty' s Dad
I swear.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 17:45, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Batshitmentalist flounced on 1st July
Rogerthestarfish arrived on 8th July.
STARFISH. She fishes.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 16:40, 125 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

If in doubt, gaz a mod...
John the dane is indeed edmund/edsmeds/medical male/mr happy/the great unitesticular south pole adventurer.

who else didn't figure it out until last night?

Alt q: if you could set fire to any one place of employment, what would it be? My choice; finchley job centre for being utter fuckwits
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 15:23, 207 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Always judge by the cover
Is there a particular item of clothing or an accessory which immediately marks a person as a bit dubious in your eyes? In my case, gold rimmed spectacles, particularly tinted ones, always make me suspect the wearer may be evil.

Alt Q: favourite breakfast cereal?
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 15:01, 64 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I just made an origami crane
This is the first one that hasn't ended up in a crumpled heap of rage.

How do you spend your lunch hour? I tried reading but people apparently think it's ok to talk to me if I'm just reading.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 13:48, 150 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Ok! which one of you is this guy?
Can girls love geeks?
By Miriam Stoppard on Aug 4, 10 12:01 AM in Advice
Dear Miriam,

What do women look for in a man? Why do quiet, sensitive men like me always get overlooked? I'm 24 and women are a complete mystery to me.

I'm still waiting to find my first girlfriend. I realise I'm a bit geeky. I don't have a six-pack
and I'm passionate about everything to do
with computing.

Sport doesn't interest me but I can tell you everything there is to know about Monty Python and Star Trek.

I'm about to go into business with a friend and we're opening a computing shop which I'm confident will be a huge success.

I might not be the best-looking guy on the block but I'm not bad-looking either. I shower daily, clean my teeth morning and night and wear clean clothes. I have integrity, I love my dog and I care about the environment.

What do I have to do to get noticed? I worry that women think there must be something wrong with me or I'm strange.

Do you think it's because I'm boring or are women intimidated by a man who has a
high IQ?

Jeff
( girlinthehole, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:35, 145 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

RAISIN UPDATE
As of last night’s suppertime my daughter’s nasal raisin has been joined by a kernel of sweetcorn, the foolish child has discovered a new game, it seems.

This doesn’t bode well for the future: Her mother and I were much older than two when we started sticking stuff up our noses that we shouldn’t…

Special thanks to Becky, Johnthedane Edmund, Sportscow and Tuggers (and anyone else I've forgotten) for your advice and assistance, much appreciated.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 11:48, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I've just realised a colleague thinks you have to close all the programs,
including those minimised, to open a new webpage. This is despite there already being 3(three) seperate IE windows open.
This makes me unhappy.

Regale me with your tales of computards.
(TheColonel, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 11:02, 86 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Morning
I have awoken to find out Paddy Power have finally given me my hundred and seventy quid. I am off to spend it on the only things I know how - cigarillos and clothes. Also my dog now pisses like a bloke dog which brings me endless enjoyment.

What is pleasing (or displeasing) you this morning fellow B3tans?
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 8:13, 92 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

What a great week!
Well, all you Brits, your country is great! I had a great time in Manchester and also in London the last two days. I'm heading out to the airport in an hour to get my flight home to hicksville.

I ate some great food, and met some great people - I wish I could have had more notice and met up with some of you.
I'll be back in September to finalize the rollout of the new software.

Oh, and jellied eels??? What the fuck???
(nolongernuts, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 4:51, 10 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I have decided to give up
looking at and posting on OT during the working day. Anyone noticed or care to offer odds on how long I can keep it up? giggity!

Alt Q: How has discovering b3ta improved your life?
( djtrialprice, Tue 3 Aug 2010, 23:25, 131 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

FAO: Gonz
I just had a flippin' awesome steak sandwich again, had the dijon mustard with it like you said and oh man, it rocked.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 3 Aug 2010, 20:38, 11 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

In other news....
My little girl has stuck a raisin up her nose!

It's been there for two days now. My ex took her to get it removed by the doc today but she (child) wouldn't let the chap even look up there, let alone try to retrieve it. Consequently she has to be put under sedation on Thursday. This is all rather funny other than my mother and sister are allergic to general anaesthetic as is my ex's mother - I know nothing about this shit, should I worry?

For some reason I am asking you cunts rather than Google. Or a doctor.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 3 Aug 2010, 17:42, 131 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Lady Gaga thinks that by having sex someone will take her creativity from her through her vagina.
What do you think people will take from you through your vagina*?
*insert body part as needed
hohoho
( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 3 Aug 2010, 16:13, 130 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

For fuck's fucking sake.
Some guy, from a place I used to work at, calls me every 2 or 3 days, for the last 9 months, and I never awnser the phone to him. I don't want anything to do with him, but he keeps on calling, I think he wants me to work for him, dispite me saying sevral times that I don't want to do that at the time. He's not violent or anything, just very very percistant, and quite creepy. I admit, it's a bit of a LOLMENTAL thing, that I find it so hard to awnser the phone to him, esspesh after all this time of ignoring his calls, but if you called someone up every few days for 9 months and they only awnsered max of 5 times, the last time being 3 months ago, wouldn't you get the message?

He just left a letter at my door (probably got my address from where I used to work).

I might go get another sim card and number, just a PAYG one, say "I changed my number, which is why I ain't been replying".

Yeah', I'm a twat, I should just call him, what's the worst that can happen, but fucking hell, this guy really creeps me out.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 3 Aug 2010, 14:56, 48 replies, latest was 16 years ago)