My mate, Gaz
was actually wanking, overtly, over his sofa. While Josh and I were there. And he called us in afterwards.

Doesn't seem gay, though..
( ArthurTheRat, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 13:07, Reply)

dog wanker
i went to school with someone who ended up with a reputation he couldn't escape because he'd been caught wanking off a dog. Imagine spending your school days not just being known as 'Chris' but 'Chris the dog wanker'.
(>NARF! Quality WTF chimp action, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 13:04, Reply)

Petrol Station Wank
Before I got my job at the biggest broadcaster in the world, I worked at an Esso station for some A Level money. One particularly quiet night I got bored and the TV was broken so I went and borrowed one of the porn mags from the top shelf. While watching out for customers driving onto the forecourt I knocked one off and came into some paper towels from the forecourt that were under the desk. Pure class!
(DadWatchesPorn, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 13:02, Reply)

semi-concious wank
Whilst on holidays in Spain a combination of cheap cava and sunstroke left me paralytic on the floor of our apartment one night.

Coming to in the early hours, I discovered I was naked and, more disturbingly, was looking after matters in hand.
Now I don't wake up self-flagellating all that often, so I decided to let nature take its course and proceeded to knock one out.

As I was approaching the vinegar strokes I heard a noise in the apartment, a sloth-like shuffle that could only belong to a surly spanish chambermaid.
I was beyond the point of return, so I quickend pace and released an arc of baby gravy over the cold terracota tiles.
The cleaning lady came into the room and found me, sweating and naked on the floor, thankfully with a fairly impressive semi.

She failed to notice the pool of steaming man muck on the floor beside me.

I fell asleep again and awoke mid-afternoon with a stinking hangover, unsure whether the previous nights events had actually happened. My suspicions were confirmed when I was greeted by several maids in the hotel lobby, cackling like witches at the sight of me. My cleaning lady in the centre, leading the pack.

Through their howls of derision though, I could detect and underlying desire within each of them to shag me.
(Smell eep!, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 13:01, Reply)

i was rather prolific with wanking in my youth.
i got caught more than once but i only found out the other year that my sister walked in on me thrapping away in front of an episode of 'voyage to the bottom of the sea'. not using it as stimulus, though. she proceeded to tell my mam and dad, mam being horrified, but my dad (who never talks about personal things) simply said 'leave the boy alone'. cheers dad.
i used to have to walk our 2 labradors for an hour a night after school, down the beach (fucking boring and cold). i used to wank in the sand dunes and in the little abandonded shelters. caught many times by passing strangers. perfected the art of wanking under my large coat.
i also successfully wanked under a kagool on a return coach trip from alton towers, and in classes numerous times at school. my record wank amount was roughly 20 times in one day. i sat in my bedroom one night and figured if i counted to 20 after spuffing, i could start again. so did. repeatedly. after this marathon session i returned to the lounge where my mam commented on me being flushed and if i was coming down with a virus (i acted ill to avoid suspicion). the 20 times day made my chap very sore indeed (it bled), but not to be put off, i simply lubed up with plenty of spittle and wanked through the pain.
in later life i had a wank while driving down the M74 out of boredom (its usually quiet so you can get away with it).
sorry for length, but i love wanking me.
(hazey, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 12:59, Reply)

Got a few....
First one involves a girl who I know (lets call her Aimi). My mates used to own a cafe, and we'd all sit around there getting absolutely bladdered into the wee hours, then all trawl from there to their flat (which was only 50m down the road). We'd used to do sick stuff to each other, and always be trying to outdo each other, so one day this girl Aimi goes home and leaves her wallet behind, so me and another guy called Dave first of all cut of a few meaty hunks of bush, and filled the bit of the wallet that you keep the notes in with our little pubic pick-and-mix, then, obviously trying to outshine each other, we then took it in turns to disappear into the toilet and spank one out into the little zip-up bit of the wallet where the change is kept.

Imagine her shock when she got it the next day and went to the kebab shop, and reaching into her wallet to find all her change covered in 'slime'!

Next is about another mate called Liam, who is a really quiet guy, he's got a really long-term girlfriend who lives in South Africa, and to look at them you'd think they didn't know what shagging is. Anyhoo, me being the resident nerd, his computer broke recently, so I took his hard-drive and plugged it into my PC to see if I could sort it out, and found about 2Gb worth of all this godawful foot/fat/hairy fetish stuff. Needless to say I now have him over a barrel, and his girlfriend is coming to visit next month!
(Jon Norris, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 12:50, Reply)

Poor innocent sister
When i was about 14 and my younger sister was about 12 we were sitting in my mums room talking to my mum about our days when all of sudden my sister turns to my mum and says "Mum whats masterbating?". My mums answer was simply "Ask your dad".
I couldn't let my dad go through the torture of having to explain it to his daughter so later on i explained it to her nice and simple "It's like having sex but with your hand!"

Led to one very confused 12yr old!
( cooler_king That's no moon!, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 12:49, Reply)

Ok so not exactly wanking...
We were at my boyfriend's house and I giving him...oral fun, shall we say? Anywho, he has a futon behind his desk and thats our chosen place for sex etc if we're afraid anyone might come home and discover us. His father walks in the room without knocking, my boyfriend's legs with his trousers and pants round his ankles are visibly sticking out from behind the desk and all movement ceases. Silence. About 20 seconds (20!) pass and then his father walks out.
Curiously enough, the incident has NEVER been mentioned lol
(Pixie Girl, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 12:48, Reply)

vacuum cleaner
My sister is a nurse in Hamburg, and she told me that very often there are people coming into the hospital who put their dicks into a vacuum cleaner and got stuck. But they all have their accidents with one type of cleaner, I think it was AEG. What I wonder is: Is that the only one with a small sucker, or does it just look very sexy?
(chocobot, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 12:43, Reply)

I'm surprised no-one's done this one, but...
...I'm wanking as I read these.


/coat.
(R. Jimlad twitter.com/sirmarkymark, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 11:57, Reply)

Creamy goodness
My parents used to tell me that when the ice cream van played its tune, it was all outta ice cream. They said that if I wanted any ice cream I could make my own, by jerking off and then crumbling cadburies flake onto it, or strawberry sauce. Oh how the laughed when they videotaped me eating my own semen and had sex watching it later.
(lifelikeandposeable, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 11:56, Reply)

welll not exactly wanking but..
Just a few weeks ago i was at my boyfriends house with some of his friends having a few drinks. The other boys went to the bottle shop to get more booze and left my boyfriend and i ... being quite drunk we escaped to his room and went for it. All was going well untill the lights turned on and my boyfriends little brother is standing in the doorway with his mouth wide open."OH MY GOD!!".i tried to explain that we were "just kissin" but then came in the boys also quite pissed . What then happened was that hte little bloke decided it would be funny to run over and pull off the sheets .. all was exposed .. good sex tho! ps. imagine he is small chubby !! (its true)
(SPoRk, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 11:49, Reply)

Not caught, but the catchee
Arrived home early from a "be-a-top-boss" type conference to what I thought was an empty house [you know what's coming . . . but you're wrong}. My son (12 at the time) obviously though the same (house unoccupied by parents) as when I crept past his bedroom I caught the sight (in his wardrobe mirror) of him and his mate (whom we had known since he was three years old) having a friendly . . . er . . . tussle. I couldn't see anything but the motions (and sounds) conveyed enough to confirm that my son was wanking his mate off. The universe stopped for a few minutes as this (and many other thoughts) crashed into my brain, and I stood transfixed. Then, when my son moved his head towards his mate's groin I sort of decided the pair deserved a little privacy (thankfully I was liberal enough not to go crashing into the room, separate the pair and cause untold lifetime neurosis to all involved) and stealthily crept out of the house and nipped to the pub.

Needless to say, when my son told me he was gay a couple of years later I wasn't overly surprised.
(SneakyPete, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 11:43, Reply)

Revision distraction
One day while i was at the computer supposed to be revising, my mum crept up on me to check I was actually studying and discovered me reading stories on b3ta about other people wanking.
(Kiorte, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 11:38, Reply)

While at school
There were a group of lads who for reasons unbeknown to the rest of our year had a reputation for being "good looking" and "popular". Presumably they perpetuated this reputation themselves as they were neither of these things. Said group of lads (again for unknown reasons) called themselves collectively "The Clan" although not in any KKK related way.
Anyway. "The Clan" would frequently have wanking competitions at normal house parties. - Again, the reasoning behind this escaped everyone but them. As in an earlier post these wanking competitions weren't based around the winner being the individual who could last the longest, but the victor would be the one who ejaculated first.
At one of these parties a member of "The Clan" (we'll call him Gareth 'cos that's his name) emerged victorious, raising his fist in the air with a cry of "16 seconds! Beat that!"
I pity his girlfriends. As an additional note, I wasn't at this particular party, but this was reported to me by a close female friend. As an additional additional note, if I found out that these fuckers were turning up to any house parties, I made a point of not attending.
Freaks.
** Edit **
(Sorry for the length of this post) As a further additional note, seeing the stuff about amputee porn etc it made me think about my job. I work for a sex shop, and some of the R18 (hardcore) titles we sell are really screwed up. For example:
"Chubby Chasers - The Fat The Bald and The Ugly" - This actually refers to the women.
"Freaky Dicks"
"Joey Is One Freaky Midget"
"Hog Heaven"
"Sick Fucking Sex Freaks" - Full of hairy women etc.
And my personal favourite "Ipswich Pub Gang Bang" - Not particularly freaky in itself, but the woman in it looks like Sloth from The Goonies.

The worrying thing is that we sell LOADS of this stuff.
(Highlander, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 11:38, Reply)

oh, someone at my old school,
must have been around 14 at the time was at a mate's house, anyway, he went into the study to bash one off unaware the webcam was on.

it was recorded and distributed at the author's wish, and he won the award in our final year yearbook for 'film exploits', i think someone managed to get it mentioned in the final assembly too.
( Sunshine Elephant, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 11:21, Reply)

I used to know a bloke at school called Russle...
Well, actually it was Rustle, and obviously that wasn't his real name. He got this shiny new name after staying at a mate's house one night after a few too many slightly-underage drinks. His mate was woken in the early hours by a rustling sound which turned out to be Rustle knocking one out---with a drumstick up his arse.

edit: rustling was due to duvet... sorry, left that bit out, didn't I?
( frunt It's been a while..., Wed 2 Jun 2004, 11:01, Reply)

Ex-flatmate - we'll call him Keith because that's his name
was very proud of the fact that he regularly masturbated 15 times a day. Moderately disgusting, but not so bad as when he moved out and I took over his old room.

The walls round where his bed had been were covered with long thin yellowing stains where some kind of semi-viscous liquid had apparently been repeatedly splashed, and then allowed to run down the wall to congeal on the skirting board. I was left scrubbing off his man-gunk for two days. It goes somewhat flaky when it's been left a while.

I'd just like to point out that, yes, Keith was a rather unpleasant person. Him going psychotic and leaving was a major relief, even with the spunk-scrubbing that ensued.
( TV's Nosemonkey, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 10:48, Reply)

Role Reversal
I was sitting in bed watching some TV when I heard a strange noise coming from the next room. Now my mum had been very unwell around that time, so being the dutiful son I am, I got out of my pit (at 3am, mind) to see if there was anything wrong. I open the door to see a hand SHOOT to one side and the cover being pulled back reallyreallyreallyquickly!!! Her face was bright red. Mine could have powered a small Nuclear Submarine. I retreated without saying a word and the incident was never EVER mentioned again. From that day, though, until the day I moved out, I was very careful to make a lot of noise whenever I was going to her room to talk to her.
( watashi-wa Evenin'!, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 10:41, Reply)

Oh Emma!
My cousin was walking back from a club with some friends a few years back, when they saw a single parked car in a cark park.
Inside was a man, slumped forward looking rather dead, so they flagged down a passing police car for help.
The policeman went up to the car, took out his truncheon and tapped politely on the window, at which point the 'corpse' woke up.
Mr Plod asked him if he was ok and if he would step out of the car. The man said he would really rather stay there, but the policeman insisted.
The car door was opened and the policemen, my cousin and her friends were in for a treat - the man had trousers and pants round his ankles, a cardboard cutout of Baby Spice, and his todger poking through a handy hole in said cutout.
Turns out he wasn't dead, he'd just wanked himself unconscious.
( Weetobix, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 10:38, Reply)

Prison Wanks
My mate got banged up in Feltham and I visited him a couple of times. The conversation arose about how you relieve yourself sexually. He said due to the obvious lack of women and the boredom of your straightforward wank they had to devise new ways to stimulate themselves. Based on what he told me I have a top 5 of prison self loving.

5. The left handed wank
4. The two handed wank (similar to starting a fire with sticks)
3. The sitting on your hand for ages till it goes numb wank (apparently it doesn't feel like you are doing it)
2. The hand under the leg wank (takes practice as you could fall over)

1. The no hands wank - Cutting a hole in your mattress and filling it with vaseline and shagging it.

As you can see prison life is very hard for a masturbator.
(manny fagnet, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 10:22, Reply)

Holiday Wank
Some mates of mine went on holiday a few years ago to Magaluf or somewhere equally as grotty. Anyway they were all sat round the pool when one of them decided to go back to the room for a "lie down". After a while one of the others went back to be greeted by the sight of his roommate kneeling down in front of the mirror bashing away at the colonel with a Snickers Ice Cream in his mouth! He'd obviously got a little hot under the collar and needed some refreshment.
(Joons, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 10:15, Reply)

not the perpetator but the victim...
Sitting in a lovely park in Leicester, romancing my now girlfriend, I found I needed to take a piss. Unfortunately the smallest, dirtiest and smelliest toilets in the world were the only one available to me at the time, so I took a deep breath and entered.

Standing at one of the two urinals was a affluent looking businessman in a nice suit. As I stood next to him he turned to me, winked and said "'ello mate." This worried me as he had broken the cardinal urinal rule: eyes forward, no talking. I was even more worried by the "schlup schlup" sounds coming from his groin area. In the same way you have to look at a car crash I had to look at what he was doing and had my fears confirmed: I had walked in on this guy and the end of a wank, and he was wanking into the urinal while looking at me. A quick shudder and he was done, I got another wink and a "thats better eh?" and he popped himself away and left. I have been afraid of public toilets ever since!
(sparkeh, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 10:05, Reply)

The most enjoyable dangerwank
I have ever had was in the back of the car behind my A level chemistry book while my aunt drove me back to school. I was not caught and fortunately had a hanky nearby.

I'm now the conservative MP for Herefordshire.
(It doesn't always sting when you piSSSS., Wed 2 Jun 2004, 9:59, Reply)

My ex
I never actually caught him in the act but i did manage to get him back for chatting up girls on the net. In my room. When I was asleep two feet away. Twunt.

He had pissed me off mightily about something one day, and I just casually mentioned the pile of crusty towels that surrounded his computer. Ha! He was not so smug then!

My ex is the least houseproud person I know.
(Bunnygirl, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 9:57, Reply)

As much as I'd like to tell my story(s) - and there are many...
I have an older and younger sister who frequent this wonderful site and I fear I would psychologically damage them forever.
( OldWhit, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 9:42, Reply)

5 steps to heaven
A friend of mine was caught conducting the solo symphony to a Steps video on the TV. Sick.
(Smell eep!, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 9:33, Reply)

Read the "quotes" in a Scottish accent, they'll be funnier.
The place - Central Scotland. The time - mid 1970's.
From ages 11 to 15-ish my best mate was a fella nicknamed Dusty, I won't use his real name in order to spare any embarrasment. Dusty also hung around with a grotty little kid called Jamesie Stewart, Jamesie lived on a nasty council estate and my mum forbid me to hang around with him as he was "nasty and common". Dusty used to tell me all sorts of foul stories about this chap and his equally grotty family. Best one being this -
One night Dusty was having a sleepover at Jamesie's, come bed time they were in bunk beds, Dusty in the top one, his host in the lower. During the preceeding evening they had entertained themselves by playing 'kiss, cuddle or torture' (or 'kiss chase' if you prefer) the main object of pursuit being Jamesie's older sister. She was a couple of years older than the boys and, I guarantee you, not a comely wench by any means.
Having been asleep for awhile, Dusty was awakened by the unmistakeable sensation of someone fondling his dick, sat bolt upright in bed about to defend his honour when he realised it was Jamesie's big sister. The bold lass proceeded to climb up onto the bed and in the course of time relieved young Dusty of his virginity. This being done, she headed back off to her own room.
Cut to the next morning. Jamesie and Dusty eating coco pops in the kitchen, Jamesie is eyeing a mute Dusty with a knowing look. Eventually in an attempt to clear the air Dusty says "er....so....em....did you sleep alright last night?". Jamesies replies with "I heard you and my sister, you dirty bastard, if that's what you mean". There is an extended silence which Dusty breaks with a half heartedly apologetic "er, sorry man.....um....you know". To which the immortal reply came "ach, don't worry about it, I was having a wank myself !".

Class.
(The Pink Strat Copy, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 9:26, Reply)

Lubrication
A friend of mine, let's call him Bob as that's his name, was "using" a copy of Club International one day when he was a student. He decided he needed some sort of friction reducer, so went through to the kitchen and got the washing-up liquid and squirted a dollop onto his bell end. This was mistake number 1. Concentrated detergent is quite aggressive material, especially on such sensitive parts. Apparently his willy was red raw for a week after that.

Mistake number two was telling us all about it, as this was about 12 years ago and he's still referred to as Fairy Liquid Bob to this day.

Hands that do dishes are as soft as your......
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 8:57, Reply)

OK,
When I was 19 I broke my leg rather badly in an accident with a motorbike and as a result I had to spend almost 6 months in hospital in traction.
It was a long hot summer and the nurse’s uniforms often caught the light in such a way that they became translucent and the sight of inner thigh and the occasional glimpse of stocking top often greeted my eye and drove my mind to thoughts of lust.

There was one rather fine blonde ward sister with whom I became besotted; she was very fit, firm, rounded and very, very sexy.
We got on well and she’d often talk to me and bring me an extra cup of tea or a nice biscuit, I fancied her like crazy and so one day I could contain myself no more.

To get the curtains pulled around my bed I buzzed said ward sister and asked for a bedpan she as usual obliged and we exchanged a few pleasantries. As she bent over the bed I had a clear view of her breasts and I was in the mood for tossing my caber more than I can explain, I’d not been on a solo flight for about 4 months, in fact I’d not been for an ‘evacuation’ for probably 5 or 6 and now was the time, I was going to go for it.

She drew the curtains, I relaxed and took myself in hand and began tugging away fervently like a madman… It didn’t take long till I felt myself reaching the point of final exit so I polished away with even more gusto when suddenly and without warning the nurse walked back in through the curtains with a cheery “Sorry, did I leave my stethoscope in here”.

She caught me in my full on cumface. I don’t know if it was the sight of her, the shock, or if it was just poor timing but as she stood there staring at me I exploded down below and covered myself from head to toe in my own sticky man goo.

“I’ll get a cloth” she said “Then you can clean yourself up”

She never brought the incident up again, but she also talked to me less and less and the teas and biscuits became fewer and farer between.

I was never more embarrassed.

Best wank of my life though.
( Darryn.R, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 8:18, Reply)