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This is a question My Wanking Disasters

Ever been caught by your mum? Or tried to fuck a pillow and got the spongey bits stuck to your bell-end creating a strange new flower? What about the time you man-milked the keyboard causing your PC to short-circuit and knocking out the mains for the whole street? Maybe you're a lady and you were using your mobile phone as a vibrator and accidentally dialed your mother? Tell us your stories and we'll tell the world.

(, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 17:23)
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This question is now closed.

Oh the shame - the horrible horrible shame!
I'm crying with the shame of this story...

One day when I was a nipper I was going through my most furious fist and the furious stage (a billion times a day or something). Well anyway I had a thing for Jet from Gladiators (the shame)and had recorded the previous nights episode on my massive video. Anyway while watching it Jet was about to do her speciality - the over head rings thing - and I defy any man to not find that a turn on! Feeling randy I watched her lift her right leg really high in the air! Being well turned on I paused the video and proceeded to thrash one out.
So I had my trousers round my ankles and was stood in front of the TV, well into the vinegar strokes when my door swung open and there was my Dad!!!! Shit! As I was facing the door there was no way he couldn't tell what I was doing! Within the same second our extremely excitable dog barged into the room and jumped up at me at the very same time my purple monster spurted my man milk! The dog got it full in the face and I fell backwards onto the bed, cock in hand!
My Dad was bright red and tried to chase the dog out of the room while I started crying and tried to hide my shame! Burying my face in the pillow I really really wanted to die....
then out of the quiet and my muffled sobs I heard my Dad say "I prefer Lightning to that Jet" then he closed the door!
Sometime later I ventured downstairs and into the kitchen fearing laughs and ridicule only to be greeted with the sight of my Dad washing the Dog out in the yard!!!!!

Dad I salute you!
(, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 10:05, Reply)
lock up your sons and daughters
A friend ( really) called jon was it has to be siad experimental in everything he did. Apparently one day the urge took over for a special bit of bondage wanking. jon got himself naked aroused and then proceded to tie / manacle himself to his work out bench. Only once he had securely fastened both hands did jon work out that
a) he could no longer carry on with his "special" wank
b) he would need to shout donwstairs to his mother in order to release him from his situation
(, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 9:59, Reply)
When I went to school in germany
first big mistake - This girl had been screwing herself with a sausage and it had broken off inside.

She ended up having to get all the pieces of it surgically removed.

Second big mistake - She told her "best" mate, who proceeded to tell most of the school. When she came back after being "sick" she got the piss taken out of her so badly that her parents ended up moving to another town so she could go to another school.

Hows that for a wanking bad luck story ?
(, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 9:48, Reply)
Think this just about counts...
My sister says this happened to a friend of hers. Or was it a friend of a friend? Hmmm. Anyway this couple have been trying unsuccessfully to start a family, the wife gets herself checked out and everything seems to be in working order so the bloke makes an appointment at the fertility clinic.

Turns up and the doctor gives him a plastic receptacle and asks if he'd be kind enough to give a sample and invites him to use the loo next door. Poor guy gets in there to find no mucky magazines, let alone a blonde nurse like on that Blink 182 album cover to stick a finger up his nipsy and help him on his way. Manfully fwaps away anyway and manages to spooge into the little container, brings it back to the doctor.

"Ah, thank you" says the doctor inspecting his, umm, donation. "Actually we were after a urine sample".

That's what my sister says anyway.
(, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 9:47, Reply)
Euphemisms are great!
"Maybe you're a lady and you were using your mobile phone as a vibrator and accidentally dialed your mother?"

A group of friends and myself were gathered in my living room as teenagers, imbibing the booze and generally being teenagers, when the subject of my brother's porno tape came up. The lady among us (!) encouraged us to put said tape on, and we all enjoyed watching people having sex for a while, before one of the group told us he had to "ring his father" and left the room.

Since that day, "ringing your father" has been our euphemism for masturbation. I mention this only because we then pondered on what the female equivalent would be, and eventually concluded that it would have to be "dial your mother"!
(, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 8:56, Reply)
have you noticed
how many things ive posted here?...anyway if your mum walks in on you hide yourself(not only your shame) because she WILL start a conversation!oh and if you are gonna look at pc porn use mozilla because you have 'tabs' so you dont need 400 windows open and switching tabs takes about half a second!
(, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 8:51, Reply)
This one time, at band camp
I got caught with a flute.
(, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 7:58, Reply)
I was furiously masturbating and suddenly my mother says "For gods sake, stop that!".

So I replied "Well if you don't like it, why did you sit next to me on the bus?"

(, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 6:24, Reply)
Don't wear headphones.
This was in 1st year university rez. My roommate was out for the night, so I though, so I'm having a nice leisurely stroke in front of my PC, with a bulky pair of headphones on. I see a movement out of the corner of my eye and turn my head to see my roommate's boyfriend staring at me and grinning like an ass. I just about had a seizure (he says I jumped about a foot off my seat) and spent a spastic second trying to cover up before realizing I was utterly busted. I say "FUCK!", and he collapses in laughter.
Luckily he didn't go telling everyone, but he would tease me about it for ages after that.
(, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 3:52, Reply)
It's really bad when...
You get caught by your dad. o.o
(, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 3:50, Reply)
There were these two brothers that I knew
That had probably the least common sense in the word, but anyways one got caught wanking when his mom went outside to get the mail (he doesnt have a long driveway) and he ploped down on the living room sofa and put in some porn and got caught in the act. Go figure.

These guys also play "the old five on one" constantly. The older brother once bragged to the class that he woke up with his dick in his had and also told all of us a story when he accidently spooged in his eye.

They also have a metal folding chair in their living room that if they dont feel like cleaning up they just wipe their oil of man on the side.

When their folks are home they wank in the pivacy of thier closet. I hear the carpet in thier closet is cruchy and crusty when you step on it because they just let their prick juice dry and harden. I cant imagine being the origional storyteller of this story who went into the closet to see their massive porno collection and found out what he was stepping on.

The brothers once got in a fight one day so one of them wiped his jizz rag on the other's face. The other one got him back by wanking on his pillow. The victim said he found out because he smelt it after trying to sleep for a while.

I know this is also on the board here alot too, but the older brother managed to wank 20 times in one night. He said after a while it started to get really clear and started to hurt but he kept going. What a dumbass. After a while I imagine his testicals had to give him blood, piss, saliva, whatever to feed his need.

I was about to apologize for the legnth, but then I realized it doesnt matter on a thread like this. Or does it?
(, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 2:45, Reply)
I work silly hours, and being almost 30 am permanently horny.
Fortunately, I haven't been caught at work yet as I have my own office and am able to close the door.
One night, after working till 2am, I got home 45 minutes later to find a bottle of KY lube next to my boyfriends computer.
Laughing my arse off, I picked it up, walked into the bedroom and proceeded to ask him nicely to clean up after himself next time. He had the good grace to blush and then went on to give me a seriously good shagging.

Edit: hehehe, I just went outside to smoke and saw the traffic jam for the Angels game (Anaheim Angels, baseball) and it reminded me of a story.
3 years ago when I was dating evil-ex, he took me to my first ever baseball game (Angels). I was drunk as fuck and tried giving him a bj on the way home - as he was driving it wasn't the best idea. I was horny as hell, and as I was wearing a mini-skirt decided to please myself on the way home instead.
Truck driver goes by us, honking his horn.......
Masturbation is great, and ladies, trust me, when you hit 29 you are permanently horny. No matter how good your sex life is......you always want more!
(, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 2:33, Reply)
Iv'e got two horrors involving my mum,
the first was when I was about 20, and I was giving my partner an early morning wake up call in the fudge factory. Luckily the duvet was over us both, as mater walks in, with two trays of breakfast.
I stayed up for a good half an hour, twitching my old man every now and again, as mum waffled on about everything she'd done the day before.
When she eventually left my room, my partner turned round and smacked my nose flat.

This is worse.

Out until 6am, pissed, bottle of poppers, hand where it's not supposed to go, porn video on, turn round... mother in dressing gown, slippers and turban(?) quote "will you keep the noise down, we've got neighbours"
(, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 2:24, Reply)
Just the one mishap for me.
Many years ago, when I was a young man who had just had the testosterone kick in, I was slamming the salami in my room whilst kneeling on the floor. To my horror the door handle began to turn, and with mongoose like reflexes, I grabbed my schoolbag, and plonked it on my lap. I think I managed to convince my mum that I was merely sorting my school things out, but she started a conversation and didn't leave the room until half an hour later.

I didn't feel like finishing off after that.
(, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 1:42, Reply)
Not the greatest, but it's what I got.
Being an environmentally conscious fellow, after wanking instead of using, say, kleenex, I clean myself off with a large handkerchief I've set aside for the purpose. Said handkerchief will henceforth be known as the "spankerchief". Anyway, since the spankerchief obviously needs to be cleaned on a regular bais, I usually throw it in with my laundry. This particular weekend, however, I was visiting home, and being a starving college student, brought some laundry with me so I wouldn't have to pay for the coin-op.

Later that weekend, my mom decides to help me out a little by doing my laundry for me. Walks into the kitchen, where I'm making a snack, holding the spankerchief and asking what was all over it. Naturally after a good week-and-a-half's use it was rather stiff.

Being quick thinking, I say I've had some rather bad allergies lately, and I've only got the one handkerchief.

Later that weekend she obligingly gives me a few extra handkerchiefs so I don't have to "blow my nose" into one that's been so well used...
(, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 1:13, Reply)
The Wanking Game
A friend of mine actually invented a sort of 'wanking game'. First he would be upstairs in his room whilst his mum was downstairs watching TV or whatever. With his hand in position he would cry 'MUM!' at the top of his voice and commence masturbation. His mum would then go upstairs to see what was wrong. The object of the game was to see if he could produce love fluid before his mother came upstrairs into his room, however when he tried this he was caught and had one hell of a time explaining this to her. Probably scarred her for life.
(, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 1:08, Reply)
I get caught pretty much daily, but it's never too bad
Though a friend was wanking off her boyfriend when her dad knocked on the door. They threw his hoody over it and let him in. He asked for the phone and left, totally ignorant/unbothered, and she turned back to him when he uttered the imortal words "I've spunked all over my hoody..."

Aparently it took weeks to get out, but there are only a few who can say their cum's reached Nirvana.
(, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 1:02, Reply)
dear me
this was in FHM a lonnnnng while ago-

a guy was prone to taking a monkey's fag break into his girlfriends' white carpet when she was on blood bricks, obviously she was either asleep at the time or out of the room. The good thing was that the smell was easily disguised and the primary glue hid in the carpet well enough.

This was all well and good until one day girlfriend buys a large sunbed contraption, has her parents help in installing it in the bedroom- switches it on- the uv light shines on the carpet.

it was like an episode of CSI.

I'm sure you get the picture.
(, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 1:00, Reply)
shower wank - your sacked!
my mate works for a big finance firm in the tax department. in his first year he and the rest of the new group were away on some team bonding thing somewhere: team building exercises, beers etc. one of the group begins to boast about how he had wanked into the soap dispenser in the shower. he didn't find it so funny when the management heard about it and promptly sacked him...


a bit off topic but: another of my mates had a wank in a tent, whilst his younger sister and dad were sleeping. don't think they knew about it though.
(, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 0:42, Reply)
A "mate" of mine *cough*
One usual night I was having a quick chufty before beddy-byes. Fine. But realised there was nowhere to put the byproduct. I stood up, holding it in with the tightest of grips but as I got to the door I coughed and it shot out and landed on my suit. Thinking there was nothing I could do at this point (I was sleepy now, I am male), I left it and put the suit away (so mother couldn't see it). But I forgot about it.
About 3 months later, I needed to wear my suit but obviously couldn't due to snail attacks. I also couldn't take it to the dry cleaners so had to try and remove by hand. Didn't work that well.
(, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 23:49, Reply)
on the stroke of midnight on my eighteenth birthday
I was giving it some, when without warning, in place of man-milk a stream of fire burst forth from my knob and melted my computer screen...ever since then, every time I've tried to bang one off, this sort of thing has happened.

Now I'm faced with this dilemma - I obviously have some sort of superpower, and should use it for good, but I'm too embarrassed to. Also, I have to be damn careful where I spank the monkey - the policeare getting a bit suspicious about all those fires in the public bogs down the end of my road.

So what d'you reckon people - is it a gift or a curse, and what should my superhero name be?
(, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 23:44, Reply)
Tooth paste is not a lubricant...
You have to trust me on that one...
(, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 23:35, Reply)
Something about Mary
And the hair gel incident really is based on true life.

During my first year at uni we were in halls, usual affair but one bloke who was in my flat was known for beating one off in the shower, it wasn't just pubes he left in there, the old white stuff was found on more than one occasion.

The usual ritual of shit shower and shave took place as the prequel to a night out and as we were heading out his hair had a glisten that wasn't right.

Kept quiet until we reached the uni bar and then in front of the ladies he was trying to impress asked if he was aware of the spunk in the hair.

For some reason he stopped after that!
(, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 23:25, Reply)
Silence is golden
I was back at a mates house that she shared with her friend who was deaf, a gang of us got royally pissed and all ended up crashing there. Myself and two others were in the room with the deaf guy. Unfortunately deaf guy either didn't know or didn't care that his wanking shuffles and pleasure moans could be heard loud and clear to all and sundry, and (obviously) no amount of polite coughing would make the awful noise stop.

It went on so long it made me want to eat my own ears
(, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 23:07, Reply)
Sorry for third post
I'm not sure this counts, but for kicks, here goes:

I was up in Boston for a few days and I was talking to a girl working at a record stand. The two of us had an interest in Japanese rock and the conversation got to Gackt, a mainstream artist and known for being odd. She knew her stuff so I asked if she could explain the story behind "Vanilla" (a really filthy song when you read the uncut and translated lyrics). She explained he's prone to sickness and sometimes gets himself in hospital. During a recording, he wasn't feeling well so they took him over and he spent the night. His guitarist, Masa, brought him a vanilla ice cream cone to cheer him up. Unfortunately, Gackt was asleep and Masa wasn't sure of what to do with the cone, so dispensed it, dessert first onto his crotch, and left. When he woke up the next morning, the ice cream had melted and Gackt was getting weird looks from the nurses the rest of the time, positive he had been up to something.

Naturally, Gackt took his revenge by writing "Vanilla" and the cherry on top was molesting Masa during the live performance. If you don't believe me, download it yourself.

Of course, I'm not entirely sure if the story's true, since it's the only version I've heard, but it gave me a laugh.
(, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 23:00, Reply)
stupid parents
my parents are techknowlodgically impared. when ever im too stupid to delete my history, and for some strange reason they are on my computer (I have printer, they dont think that printers work with lab tops.. im not bothered to explain to them, lol) and there is a pr0n site on it - i just tell them it was a stupid pop-up, and make up loads of shit that sounds smart but they are too oblivious to smell the bullshit

btw.. this is some of the most disgusting shit i have ever read, lol, but the one in spain was histaracle
(, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 21:13, Reply)
Bad, bad, bad....
A group of blokes from my mate Dan's office went for a few drinks after work. One of their number goes to the kharzi but fails to return.

After leaving it long enough to ensure he wasn't just having a good dump, they go and find out if he's OK. The lock-in is locked and theres no answer so they end up kicking down the door to find their colleague passed out on the floor, kecks round ankles and covered in a pool of blood/man-custard. The paramedics who had to carry him through the pub to the ambulance reckoned he'd burst a blood vessel at the point of climax.

Could it possibly be any worse?
(, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 21:03, Reply)
oh ye,i forgot
ive also bin walked in on by my mum while wanking in bed. said i had a rash an was rubbing some cream into it.so embarrassed....still spunked tho...
(, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 20:34, Reply)
biggest mistake EVER
ok, takes a bit of explaining,but here goes: i like to go 2 town to hang out with sum ppl ino,smoke some pot, the usual. so one day i meet this guy, hu we'l call "adam" (cos thats his name). so this guy seems a little crazy but pretty kl an after spendin a few saturdays dossin with him i got quite friendly. so one day i invited him back to my house,an would he like to stay over. so he does an the very first thing he asks is "can i wank to your porn". the. very. first. fucking. thing. and he didin't stop wanking. every fucking half hour i had 2 leave MY OWN GODDAM BEDROOM for this bastard to squeeze his man-milk into tissues, then run past me saying "want a sniff before i flush it?". utter CUNT.
sorry for the length!:)!
(, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 20:32, Reply)

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