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This is a question My Wanking Disasters

Ever been caught by your mum? Or tried to fuck a pillow and got the spongey bits stuck to your bell-end creating a strange new flower? What about the time you man-milked the keyboard causing your PC to short-circuit and knocking out the mains for the whole street? Maybe you're a lady and you were using your mobile phone as a vibrator and accidentally dialed your mother? Tell us your stories and we'll tell the world.

(, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 17:23)
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This question is now closed.

once on holiday in Spain
a big group about a dozen of us (about 13 to 20 year old) decided to go for a midnight barbeque on the beach, or rather in the dunes just behind. Mid way through two of the lads decide to go for a walk, and come back about 15 minutes later laughing their bollocks off.

It turns out they'd been walking along the edge where the beach meets the dunes, and they'd seen a man sitting down - nothing amiss here, there's quite a few late night fishermen in that area, so they just continued walking assuming he was taking a break. When they got a little nearer it turns out it was a balding middle aged Spaniard, with his manhood in hand furiously beating one off to the extreme - puffing, panting and sweating. Seeing the two young Brits he slams his cock back in his pants, jumps up, and pretends to be stretching, and then jogs off down the beach as if it was merely a part of his warm up exercise.

They didn't stop laughing for an hour.
(, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 20:27, Reply)
i've seen that on about the sperm and the swab before... oh yeah! it was on here! twice!

anyhow... not me but a friend:

he was wanking on his bed late at night, knowing that his parents were out. he had his headphones on quite loud (don't worry, this won't be another cup of tea, dawnwing realisation story), and didn't hear them come through the front door. he did however hear them coming up the stairs, and sat up suddenly in shock, forgetting that he was in a bunk bed. he smacked his head on the struts of the bed above, and rolled of his bed, just as he blew his load. so there he was, lying on the floor, in nothing but his dressing gown, with a larg puddle of jizz round his cock, where he had ejaculated directly onto the floor. his fols walked past the door, and called into him, asking what had happened, but he didn't reply, hoping they would go away. they did, fortunately.

unforunately, he had left a large round white blob on his floor, which solidified in the time that he spent waiting for his dad's soft snores. he got up, and tried to remove thee large whit jelly from the floor, but it wouldn't budge. after about half an hour of scraping with his nails, he removed it.

still, pretty rank.
(, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 20:03, Reply)
wooo first post
got a couple of semi-relevant stories!

1) (Not a wank story, but close!) Told to me by a mate. His sister's friend was doing a forensics course at Uni, and one lesson, they had to do cheek swabs of themsleves. Upon looking at her sample under a microscope, the student in question then asked the rest of the class why her particular sample had tiny tadpoles in it! hmmmmmm.

2) nice short one. went out with a guy once, whose claim to fame was that he had masturbated 17 times in one day, just because it was a bank holiday and he had nothing better to do! (btw i had broken up with him by the time i found this out)
(, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 19:49, Reply)
This concerns a bloke we'll call "shane" because that is his name,
anyway, I was at a party a few years back and I stumbled upstairs to the bathroom, when I emerged, there were 7 or 8 people all listenening intently at the door of the little sister of the house
"what's all this then?" I ask, I was quickly shushed and then on the count of 3 the door was flung open and we all burst into the room.
Of course, the little sister was away on holiday with the parents, but there, in her little frilly teddy bear filled bed was Shane, wearing nothing but a pair of trainers, choking his chicken.
He didn't even notice until someone started shouting "snared on wanking" which we continued to shout at him for the next three years
(, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 19:08, Reply)
hehe i was just wanking after drinking coke...
i bet you think you know whats gonna happen.

well you sir,are wrong! i burped through my nose.i came.both ends hurt.then i somehow managed to hit the cum and latch on to it while i grabbed my nose.ewwwww! oh and i caught my bro having a nice hand-shandy...nearly ripped it off when i walked in!
(, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 18:59, Reply)
Not me, but a friend, who I will call John
... and that IS his real name. Better not tell you his surname or I will get bollocked.

He got a new posh 'furnished' flat in Manchester somewhere. One of those minimalist jobbies with a wooden floor, couple of chairs and a small coffee table in the living room.

Anyway, the day he moves in he thought he'd celebrate with a wank. So he slaps some hardcore porn DVD on, sits back in his chair and starts stroking the pink tromboner.

Then his mobile rings. He answers it while still in mid-wank and carries on regardless, apparently close to climax. The guy on the phone says "John, what the FUCK are you doing?!! Everybody on the main road can see you!"

Apparently, there were no curtains, and you know how when you have the light on inside, it looks darker outside, so he thought..... dumb TWAT!!

They never spoke of it again.
(, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 18:15, Reply)
I once
was pushed out of bed my my girlfriend, landed on a book bust my knee cartilage and put myself on crutches for two weeks.

So what has this got to do with wanking?

Well, I wasn't supposed to be in bed with said girl. In fact, at the time no-one knew we were at it.

Being a gentleman, I thought I'd make up a cover story to spare her blushes.

Being a prat, the best i could come up with (hurhur) was to tell everyone I'd fallen out of bed whilst having one off the wrist. Why that excuse? I don't know.

But soon everyone else in the entire college thought I had fucked my knee fucking myself.

Even the barman.
(, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 18:14, Reply)
Before I learnt to put porn in hidden folder

I had a number of Aria Giovanni pics in my Kazaa folder. Dad downstairs, due to the joys of networking, found them, and was busy 'looking' at them when my mum wanders over to see what hes doing. 'err, err, theyre Chris's! honest guv!'

Mum storms up stairs and shouts 'Whatve you got on your PC?'

Bright Red face, laughing dad, pissed off mum. What a way to ruin your 11th birthday.
(, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 17:54, Reply)
While driving...
... out of habit, I used to place my mobile phone between my thighs for quick access. Of course, this was until I got a new phone with a very powerful vibrating effect. The first time I got a call in, I nearly drove off the road from the surprising and instantaneous near orgasmic effect.
(, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 17:23, Reply)
speaking of "snapping the banjo" (see below)...
Many years ago, my frenulum got caught in between a girlfriend's lower front-teeth. I actually felt the snap, and the sensation of my foreskin suddenly becoming somewhat more retractable than I'd previously known it to be, before the sudden rush of lustlessness and a squeamishly light-headed cradling of my bloodied, wounded cock.

The following morning, during a hastily-booked medical centre appointment to reassure myself that no serious damage had been caused, the doctor evidently didn't understand the meaning of the phrase "blow job" (despite this being a University) and suggested that next time I might like to use some lubricant "if the lady wasn't entirely ready". Faced with this startling nugget of advice, I really didn't know quite how to put him straight, choosing instead to quietly sympathise with the guy's evidently foreplay-impoverished wife.
(, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 17:14, Reply)
During my very disjointed career....
....I worked as a Police Officer (until the smell of pork and corruption became too much to bear - haha). Anyway, back to the point. Working as a Copper (and especially on night-shifts) opens up new avenues such as catching shaggers.

Basically, between the hours 9.00pm and 3.00am those little dark car parks, shady alleys and smoky lanes were crammed with people having it away in their own cars. Now being a kind hearted soul, you could slowly creep the car right up to the offending car; slam on the blues and twos and watch the resulting actions (usually the bloke shooting his bolt, female screaming thinking she was with a murderer, etc). To a cut a long story short - this became a bit of a game with everyone on the shift.

This one night (actually around 8.30pm) with the dusk just settling we noticed a motor parked up in a 'typical' haunt of the shaggers with one occupant (seemingly) and decided to investigate. Dropping the motor into neutral we gently approached the motor and put on the lights and sirens. However, the occupant in the driving seat simply stayed put - so I got out to investigate and saw that the driver was on his own tossing himself off. What makes the story more interesting is that fact he was my neighbour, more strangely was that our houses were about 100 yards away and more disturbing was the fact he was tossing off over a Computer Magazine (the page was on CD-Burners for some reason).

Of course, this added a new dimenion to the phrase "the Wanker next door" especially when he had his girlfriend or family visiting.
(, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 17:08, Reply)
Not an urban myth (unluckily...)
A few years ago I bought a VHS-C camcorder from a car boot sale.

"Great" I thought as I saw it had a tape with it so I could use it as soon as I got home.

"Oh dear god" I thought as I got home and scanned through the tape to see if there was anything interesting on it.

It was a home video of the guy I bought it from and his wife, then the guy on his own.

I am scarred for life, desparately wishing I had a MIB neuralizer...
(, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 17:06, Reply)
Sorry, nothing elaborate.
Nothing too fancy, but when I first discovered what a weiner was used for I thought it'd be a good idea to use ben-gay (that stuff you put on sore muscles that makes your skin hot) as a lubricant. Well, not only did the friction from my hand superheat it, but also the lotion refused to wash off with soap and water. I then discovered that towels cause even more friction than hands. So, basically, I'm left with a limp red cock covered in ben-gay that's so dry and hot the skin is cracking. I never was able to wipe the ben-gay off, it just quit working after a while. Damn, did it burn. Haven't even thought about touching the stuff to my skin since.
(, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 16:51, Reply)
i've noticed a few comments going, "Where's your story Rob?"
Ok. I set the question. It's only fair I humiliate myself in public too.

I was 13 and full of the joys of youthful self-abuse. Nothing would stop me. I'd have a wank in the shower in the morning. Nip home from school, slip in a quick lunchtime wank. Get home after school, and I'd normally find time for a fast tug in the ad-break in Home & Away.

Basically I'm saying I liked wanking - and here comes the shame.

Me and my parents were in the car off to visit my gran. Things got a little tense - as they do when you're a sulky teenage boy at war with the world.

I can't remember what my Dad said, but retorted by calling him a wanker. I was pretty impressed with myself. I'd never been quite that rude to a parent before.

My mother - to her enternal credit - turns in her seat and goes, "No Rob. You're the wanker."


The journey was pretty much silent after that.
(, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 16:45, Reply)
Caught out by mobile phone
Having gone into the office for the morning, I had to go home and get my car before driving out to see a client out of town in the afternoon. Stopping indoors to get my car keys, I realised that I had a splendid opportunity for a quick Sherman.

Having selected an appropriately hardcore DVD from the collection, I managed to knock one out and achieve my objective with some vigour.

It was at this point that I thought I could hear a distant voice calling my name. The feeling of dread flooded over me as realised what was going on. I removed my mobile phone from my suit pocket and discovered that in my frenzy of fapping I had inadvertently managed to call the number of an old female Uni mate, who I hadn't seen or spoken to for some time.

Not quite knowing what to do, I hung up on her without speaking. When she phoned me back I was still bright red with embarrasment and let the call divert. I later listened to her message, which went something along the lines of:

"Hi, long time no speak. Had a strange call from you, with lots of funny noises?!? Not too sure what's going on there?!?"

I've seen her since, but it was ages afterwards and, thankfully, nothing was said.

I have never failed to lock my keypad since.

BTW - What happened to the Your Greatest Dilemmas question of the week? Can we have a report please?
(, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 16:32, Reply)
My first one...
As a young uncurcumcised boy with perhaps one pubic hair, I remember being told about wanking and had a little fumbling fiddle in bed one night. Problem was that I always had a rather tight foreskin (threeskin maybe?) and after a few minutes of fiddling my foreskin retracted and out popped the bell end. I'd never seen it before and thought I'd broken my penis. To my young mind it was like an internal organ such as a kidney finding it's way out of my body. I cried myself to sleep convinced God was punishing this little Catholic for his sins. Woke up the next morning and found "it" was back to normal. I really believed from that moment on I had become a real man and used to flog myself to the picture sleeve of Jane Birkin & Serge Gainsbourgs "Je T'aime (moi non plus)". Heady stuff indeed...
(, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 16:31, Reply)
Never been caught
which is unusual considering how often I do it. 3 times yesterday, 5 on monday (god bless bank holidays).

Actually, I did kind of get caught after the fact once, I had spent one summer holiday spanking my hairy monkey and depositing the population paste onto an old t-shirt. At the end of the holiday my mum took it upon herself to do my laundry and found this fucking t-shirt, it was rancid (slightly yellow and patchy, and smelled sugary, and a bit like cucumbers for some reason). I remember her asking how it had got like that (whilst holding it at arms length between 2 fingers), I said I had spilt some orange squash and wiped it up with the shirt. Fuck knows if she believed me, I hope she did because the thought of her knowingly handling the remains of what I can only estimate to be several trillion of my sperm makes me want to kill myself with shame.

Ah, happy teenage days...
(, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 16:17, Reply)
Just remembered another one....
I didn't actually witness this myself, but have had it cheerily recounted to me at least 5 times.

A few of my mates were on an 18-30 holiday with some of their other rugby friends, one of which is a guy called Ali, who has become renouned as "the guy with the massive cock". This thing was scary, like a kids arm. He was having trouble getting laid because most women couldn't 'take him'. So, one night he managed to pull a german girl, and they disappeared into the bedroom. All the other guys piled into the other room, and, due to the thin walls, were subjected to a night of Ali yelling "TAKE THE INCHES!! TAKE THE INCHES YOU GERMAN BITCH!!", with intermittent groans / scream from aforementioned german girl.

In the morning, they were all sat out on the patio of their little villa thing, and Ali's door flew open, and out spilled this german girl in her underwear, in floods of tears, rubbing her face, closely followed by Ali, who threw her clothes at her while yelling "Now fuck off you bitch!", to which she replied "You have ruined my life!!!" before running off into the sunset.

He sauntered over to my friends, bollock naked, manhood blowing around like a windsock, before telling them that the german girl couldn't take him, so he tried her 'the other way', but that didn't work either (unsuprisingly), and that he got so frustrated when he woke up in the morning he simply polished one off all over her face, but she woke up just as he was reaching the peak of pleasure mountain, and through a cruel mix of physics knee-jerk reaction, he almost blinded the poor girl with his man-custard, which she obviously didn't take to kindly to, especially when he started giggling like a schoolgirl as she stumbled around the bedroom searching for something to wipe her face with.

Good times.
(, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 16:07, Reply)
Posted without comment

(, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 16:03, Reply)
Pipe Experiment
I never realised that the 'cock rings' that I regularly saw in magazines (as a teenager) were adjustable so that they could be RELEASED.
You learn these things by experimenting...
Or.... for want of a better expression... the hard way.
Teenage lad (shortly after the blissfull discovery of the "orgasm") slips a napkin ring around his todger... and uses it as a wanking handle.
Mid session, the make-shift napkin suddenly became too big for the ring... Being the smart lad I was, I reasoned "It'll go down if I get turned off".. so, 10 minutes of mentally picturing my grandmother naked should fix it... but No! I was infact increasing in size. After being horrified by the discovery that I obviously harboured disturbing thoughts for my Gran, I took no joy in the discovery and Realisation of the bio-mechanics behind my now monsterous and painful hardon.
You know how a love-bite/hickey causes surface capilaries to burst, and make your skin go a blotchy red/purple? well... my Dick was VERY much like that... ALL OVER.
I was terrified, and in my moment of need turned to my trusty Minicraft Drill... Two cutting disks later, the pewter napkin ring was only HALF off!! Compunding my misery, pain and horror, my MUM came up to see why i was "making toys" at 2:00am on a school night.

I bear the scars to this day.
(, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 15:59, Reply)
Cup of Tea variant
When i was about 14 i got up at 2am to celebrate the start of the fishing season. After a full days fishing down the canal i returned home. I was absolutley knackered and went to bed. The next thing i know is, it's morning so down i go for breakfast. My mum and my sister are pissing themselves at me and won't tell me why. Eventually they tell me that my sister went into my bedroom to fetch a book and found me asleep on my bed, fully erect cock in hand. She fetched my mum, who took off the rest of my clothes and put me to bed. They NEVER ever let me forget about the time i "wanked myself unconscious".
(, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 15:52, Reply)
25 times a day
Methinks there is some exaggeration going on about the number of times it is possible to stroke the dolphin in a day. Having sat in on a lively discussion of this with a group of friends and one of our number's mother (being the only sober one in the group has left me with many entertaining memories) I reckon anything over about 12 has to be taken with a pinch of salt. As it were.

There are few things quite as amusing as seeing which friends are happy to answer the question 'How many times have you wanked in a day?' when this is asked by someone's mum.
(, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 15:48, Reply)
So many, So very Many.
a) Ex girlfriend who wore away the forehead of her teddy as good catholic girls dont touch themselves 'there'. Got her mum to replace it with a mismatching but pleasant feeling fake furry stuff.
b) Mate in army who was watched wanking by paratroop training staff whilst supposedly doing stag at night. They 'killed' him in up close and personal stylee as he chucked the yoghurt.
c) Walking in on my father seducing himself to 'big breasted action vol II' just after the long overdue collapse of his marriage. We dont speak much.
d) Voicing my concern about a strange smell in the cheap bedsit I moved into when I first arrived in the UK, the landlord said his previous tennant had done a runner a couple of weeks earlier in the summer, leaving bills etc. He had also left a customised calves liver in a hole in the mattress that he had been helping himself get to sleep with.
e) I discovered this wonderful hobby after watching older kids mime the action at each other in the playground. I went home and though 'what a waste of time' for quite a while, but persevered. Protestant work ethic soon paid off, again and again and again. The next two days were awful. My radishlike wang sat sorely in my pants and I cried when I weed.
f) It was not strictly wanking. My (catholic in a) gf was doing the deed whilst I was reading a book in bed on a hot day. She was not putting much effort in, it was more of a curiousity thing. Without warning, I am in agony. Bolting out of bed, I saw a bobby pin protruding from the japs eye of my rapidly shrinking ladyprong. She had wondered 'how deep the hole went'.

apols for length
(, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 15:48, Reply)
nasty story fozzof,
its called 'snapping the banjo' and is quite common apparently. One of the sales guys at work revelled in telling us all about when it happened to him (during normal intercourse! so be careful everyone).
(, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 15:42, Reply)
Ouch, hurty penile pain
A female friend of mine was giving her b/f a handjob some time ago and was a little too vigorous, tearing his frenulum (the bit that goes between Darth Vader's hat and his shoulders so to speak) and causing much bleeding.

Now any penile bleeding, due to the extra perssure of the blood in the area, is undoubtadly absolutely terrifying, so they decided they needed to get him to hospital. Unfortunately they had both been drinking, so they went and asked his mum downstairs to give them a lift there, and obviously needed to explain what had happened.

This has happened to two frends of mine, and I've seen the stains from one of them (not this particular one) and the blood covered three entire cushions from a three seater sofa. Just think how you'd feel in the circumstances...

edit/ Oh, and I've got a mate who's g/f 'assists' him with the use of an orange - not that anyone's ever caught him, but I'd laugh my tits off if they did!
(, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 15:30, Reply)
Broadcast wank...
A colleague at work (paramedic) was driving his ambulance back to station and was bragging to his work partner about what a high sex drive he has. After boasting that he shags his missus as much as he can, he then went to detail how he likes to “flog” himself at every opportunity…in the shower, in the toilet, etc, etc.
On and on he went and finally arrived back at station. The phone rings and it’s the communications supervisor on the line who says “Hey Flogger – next time make sure you don’t have your knee on the 2 way radio transmit button while your telling your masturbation tales!” He’d inadvertently let the entire region listen in on his wanking tales – but was actually quite proud of this! Plus all transmissions are taped for legal purposes, so we hope to get a copy and sample his bragging onto a dance track…
(, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 15:25, Reply)
Caught or not?
My riskiest wanking situation was when a family friend took me to see Romeo and juliet at the theatre in York. It was the love scene and I just got carried away under my programme as i was only about 14 so a little prone to sponteneous erections. Anyway He was sat next to me and i was surrounded by people as the theatre was full. Someone MUST have noticed but they said nothing. I cringe now to think of my randy old ways.
(, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 15:16, Reply)

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