cup of tea, my fanny!
www.snopes.com/risque/caught/cupoftea.htm

I don't have any embarassing stories. Probably because I'm so brazenly shameless. In my horny youth I was known to frequently masturbate with others in the room. Sleepovers, camping trips, dormitories. No one was safe from my reign of terror. Although I like to believe I was super stealthy and they just didn't hear me. It could be true!

And massaging shower heads really are amazing.
(Mabel DelTaco, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 7:53, Reply)

This is bad...
I think I just broke a record... 3 minutes, 42 seconds....

Yes? No? Comments?
(BurningFeetMan, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 7:32, Reply)

mysterous white orbs
using my new phone i thought id send my girlfriend (as requested) a little video of me 'slapping the salami, well im beating away in the video and out of no where (on watching the play back) theres a face at the end of the bed, just stairing at me, its no one in the house i live in and its no one who was in the house, really freaky.

turns out there was a girl who lived here who was a bit of a slut and had diabeties and died in the living room after passing out in some bizzare sex ritual.
f*cking students.

also my father caught me and my ex when i was younger 'doing it snoop style'...
thing is i wanted to stop after that but she really got off on it and started going crazy

im gonna give up on sex i swear, its far to much hastle
(codec monkey, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 7:08, Reply)

its not quite on topic, but close enough....
about a week ago, we (as in me and my girlfriend) were at the parents place. it was hell. everywhere i looked, her mother was there!

well, one night we were at a club and her parents arranged to pick us up late. after we were done partying, i was sitting on a park bench nearby and we started making out, but then her mother stepped in. the whole pud went quiet and heard her yelling at me. after that, we split up. bloody mothers-in-laws.
(gutman (saver of fishes!), Wed 2 Jun 2004, 6:01, Reply)

Most computer salesmen are tossers...
...but this one takes the soggy biscuit.

Not about me, of course. Or is it...?

Back in the late 80s I worked in sales for a dodgy IBM PC dealership in north London. This story concerns the national sales manager of one of our biggest competitors - a rival chain of PC dealers.

The story goes that he was on a fat cat biz trip to the US and decided to buy himself a cheapo video camera to bring home. He then spent much of his spare time on the trip pointing the camera at everything in sight, collecting memories for the folks at home.

Back in his hotel room that night, he was enjoying a little pay-per-view slippery grunty, and decided on a special extra treat for the lads back in the office.

Not having the appropriate cables, he improvised by pointing the camera directly at the TV screen to capture all the hot throbbing action.

On his return to Blighty, he chose to lighten the mood of his regular Monday sales meeting, by giving the boys a taste of his "special" home movie. Billing it as "some footage of the US sales conference", he popped the converted tape into the machine, cued it up, and walked casually to the back of the room to let the team enjoy themselves.

Their enjoyment was, of course, greatly enhanced by the fact that their boss was clearly visible, reflected in the screen of the hotel room TV, lying back across the bed and aggressively...um... stunting his career...
(michaelocc, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 5:33, Reply)

A friend of a friend (no, really, he told me this himself)
He was watching porn on his laptop and knocking one off, when suddenly the battery dies. No problem, he finishes off and after a bit goes to plug it in. He bends the pin in the AC input out of place, which requires fixing, so he takes it down to the repairs (after cleaning up, obviously). When he picks it up a few days later, he gets some funny looks, and it's not till he gets home that he realises his laptop will start up from exactly where it left off when the battery goes, in this case in the middle of some hardcore porn when the PC guys fix it. He's not gone back there.
( Whillow, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 2:35, Reply)

well
one such event: my former school took a video camera to random classrooms and had the students yell something along the lines of "Good morning meadow woods middle school!" for use ont he morning announcements. a slightly slow... well, no, he was completely mental challenged.. ..he decided that right when the record light on the camera went on he would get to work. the only person that saw him do it was the poor girl that had to sit next to him. he was actually staring at her at the time. he's still a legend, nobody ever saw him at school again.
(Baron von Aaron CHARGE!, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 2:35, Reply)

For the love of God...
I think we've got an Ice-cream-van-music-sold-out on our hands here with the "My mate wanked and there was a cuppa when he opened his eyes!"
(Pidgeon Fister, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 2:32, Reply)

showers
I was at school with no privacy whatsoever and decided to do it in the shower so the water would cover any incidental sounds. Had a great time until I came, my knees buckled, tried to recover my balance, wiped out and thought I broke my arm. Only cracked it, but had a really embarassing time explaining why I "slipped" and what exactly I was doing to do so.
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 1:49, Reply)

Train horror!
My girlfriend lived down in Leicester and i lived in the north of Scotland so every 4th wknd i would take the train down and back up again. Its not a great journey and was normally pretty dull. This one time however an elderly gentleman (in his sixtys) with a taty suit, dirty white shirt and thick bottle glasses got on at somewhere near Edinburgh. His tie was a mess and he looked very much like a dirty old man. After sitting down across the row from me he straightened his tie and tidied himself up a bit. He then got out a copy of razzle and proceeded to read away while stoking him stomach. It looked a little odd but he had obviously threaded himself up his trousers and into the bottom of his shirt. He sat like this for a wee while stoking and reading away before jerking suddenly a few times, the smile on his face showed what he had been up to.

The image still haunts me!!
(noah472, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 1:44, Reply)

A friend of mine...
Was having a wank in his bedroom with his headphones on full volume whilst spinning round in his swivel chair. He had reached the 'optimum moment', when the headphone wire finally caught and were pulled off his head as he started to ejaculate... Then the door opened and he came, whirling around and saw his sister's horrified face and quickly put himself away. They've never mentioned it apparently...
( racketear tired, stressed and happy, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 1:26, Reply)

Big Kev
For some unknown reason, our mate Big Kev decided to share this with us:

He was having a shower, and, as you do, decided to knock one out. However, as some of you may have experienced, when you're in a shower this can be harder than usual.

Kev tried and tried but just couldn't climax. He tried so hard, huffing and puffing away. Eventually, he couldn't take it anymore. So he passed out, and woke up several minutes later.
( Detrius521, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 1:09, Reply)

never been caught at it but...
* wanking in the bath will result in spunk floating about. ie: not pleasant.
* however, wanking in the shower achieves much more pleasurable (and cleaner) results.
* sneaking porn about the house and finding new and inventive hiding places from parents is a mission and then some.
* once, back in the day when i was a horny 12 year old and couldnt leave myself alone (like most guys of that age) i broke my record and managed to wank eight times in one day. i would have carried on, but i got a graze on my member which kinda stopped all that nonsense for a good few days.
(zenmeban thinks the weather could be better, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 0:30, Reply)

Not so much of a wanking disaster...
..but one concerning sex,, and parents (a leathal mix)

mate of mine from senior school (hope he doesnt read this) once found a suitcase underneath his parents bed (dont ask me what he was doing under there!) And, what did he find in the case? I hear you all shout. Well, none other than a plethora of sex toys (dildos etc), bondage gear(well.. furry handcuffs etc) and some dodgy looking video tapes.

My friend then thought to himself "Fantastic! I've stumbled accross my dad's pr0n collection." Being at a not-so-innocent age and being ever so curious he decided to watch the tapes. Oh how he wishes he never had watched those tapes.

Lets just say he had infact stumbled accross some old family videos...

He apparently used to complian about the noise his parents made too ...very thin walls in the houses round where i live :S.

*winces* :'(
( monkeyman, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 23:43, Reply)

Kaboom
One of my classmates "Betty" had an incident some time ago. She has a showerhead with different settings like 'massage' and it's connected to a hose so you can maneuver it around. A friend of mine told her how to use it for wanking purposes since she had a similar one. "Betty" wasn't in one day so I asked my friend if she was about. When she was done laughing, she said "Betty" had tried the technique, but forgot her bathroom was in some state of repair. We don't know when exactly, but sometime during her "pleasuring", the ceiling caved in.

We could never figure out if she got more freaked out by the impact of tiles and linoleum or getting caught with the showerhead 'tween her legs.
(DeadCats, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 23:39, Reply)

Ohhh pecker..
you're just one step away from being an internet paedophile! :P
( Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 23:35, Reply)

Webcams... fucking great arn't they
You know how it is. you stick you webcam on while you chat to ur mates. i use msn and sometimes have a few web convos going at once.
well ill be damned i left one open. normally you forget and start picking you nose or scratching your arse then sniffing your fingers.
nope this time. im sure you are clever enough to figure what happened.
thank god my web cam doesnt go below my chest or things would have been alot worse.
the kid wont ever let me down for it so i blocked him =)

anyone for cabbage?
( ?, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 23:34, Reply)

Working in Tesco's
a few years back, there was a particularly 'special' trolley boy named Sean. He was 34 and had been working as trolley boy for about 6 years.

Sitting in the staff canteen, one of the older guys who worked on Wines and Spirits was telling Sean & myself about his army days, specifically the story of how one solider had been caught fucking an orange filled with toothpaste. The story went that the soldier said the orange/toothpaste was the closest thing to a vagina they could get in the barracks and pretty soon all the troops had minty fresh cocks and pips under their foreskin (Urban myth? Who knows...).

I went back to the canteen at the end of the (same) day for my last break and there was the same guy telling the same story, I sat and had a cigarette when Sean lumbered through just at the part "it feels just like a vagina..." to which he proudly shouted "Ha! It fucking doesn't!" over his shoulder. With perhaps the best unintentional comic timing I have ever witnessed, my manager walked in as Sean walked out and said "Some daft cunts jammed an orange in the toilet...".

And that is the closest I have ever come to soiling myself.
( moonjam, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 23:29, Reply)

Got a couple of 'em.
I have a rather large, bright pink "Eager Beaver" vibrator - it's a big phallus with a clit tickler on it and more than does the job.
I usually keep it under the bed. A couple of weeks ago, my boyfriends friend was in the safe - which is on my side of the bed - and put his hand back for balance.
Now this guy is almost 50, so you'd think he'd know about stuff like this, but no, he walks into the living room with BOB (battery operated boyfriend) asking my man in all seriousness what it is. I blushed, yelped and ran out of the house while boyf in between snorts of laughter explained to his friend.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 23:14, Reply)

Pulling one
It's about 2 or 3 in the morning in upstate New York. Everyone at my camp is fast asleep, except for the boys of bunks B14 and B15. They awake to the sound of shouting and a bed getting slammed against the wall, which turns out to be their Russian counsellour who is swearing in his native tongue, thrashing on the bed, smoking a cigarette and wanking off so hard it looked like he was ready to pull his dick off.

Poor bastard didn't make it past the first session and he had to pay for his own plane ticket home.
(DeadCats, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 23:11, Reply)

During my formative years...
I would indulge myself before I went to sleep, often just after my parents had gone to bed in the next room. My bed was an ancient pine thing with a sprung base. On one such occasion I was enjoying a particularly energetic session when my dad burst in wondering what was causing the loud creaking noise. Thinking quickly, I blurted out that I had been bouncing on the bed. That would explain my breathlessness and red face, then... Couldn't look him in the eye at breakfast the next day.
(REVOLUTION_DAVE, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 23:11, Reply)

Some guy i know, but dislike..
Got off over necrophilia porn. That's just rank.
( Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 22:56, Reply)

there's a guy in our corridor, mark wilson,
who enjoys bashing the bishop to:

-animal porn
-pregnant porn
-amputee porn


and another called ben heath who once masturbated solid semen.
( Sunshine Elephant, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 22:53, Reply)

Just to clear things up..
1) That thing about the boy with the headphones and the mother with the cuppa is one of the biggest urban legends- unless of course it happened to you too...

2) The bread thing.. I think that's more commonly Limp Biscuit, involving a biscuit not bread.. also the band name too. And it does exist, it's not an Urban Legend.

3) From above, amputee porn!? Urk!
( Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 22:53, Reply)

private school chaps
A former colleague told me of "bread jobs" he and his friends used to get up to at private school. The competition would apparently involve a piece of bread, a circle of tossers and the one who came last having to eat the bread. It smacks of urban myth but is a warning to all those mummies and daddies ready to waste their money on a private education for little Johnny.
You weren't just going for a piece of toast, were you?
(phoggy, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 22:45, Reply)

Big dripping buckets of semen doused liberally over his bed...
is the revenge I have planned for a mate who lent me his socks one hungover morning (I had thrown mine full of stones at a train, ho ho what japes). So yeah I thought, thanks Luke, thats oddly pleasant for a shit like you. But no, I got home and took them off to find they were encrusted at the end with semen. Even worse, these diamond capped socks had a school name tag still in them. It was fucking Lukes brothers wanking socks
(lifelikeandposeable, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 22:45, Reply)

morning monkey punishment
As a student, having a flat in the centre of town can have it's benefits - you're close to shops, bars, clubs - all good things.

But it has its downsides too...

My flatmate woke up one morning and like most 19 year olds decided he'd give the old chap a polish before Uni. So he shuffled to the edge of his bed, closed his eyes and thought of England.

Now, if instead of England he'd thought "Hang on, did I pull my curtains last night?" or "Isn't there a new office over the road?" then maybe his bleary eyes wouldn't have met the face of abject horror adorning the secretary in the window opposite.

The kind of face people tend to get after witnessing a sweaty, naked youth - tongue poking from one side of their mouth - trying angrily to remove their penis... whilst staring... out of the window... at you.

He moved his bed later that day. She was never seen again.
( moonjam, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 22:44, Reply)

Speed wank
A few years back (about 7) my girlfriend lived up in a posh bit of Surrey, while I lived 70 miles away in Sussex. After one particularly frustrating and blue-ball inducing night with her on the sofa I set off home early on Sunday morning. I was driving back down the deserted M25 and came up with the stunning idea of rubbing out out while driving. I slid the seat back to get a bit of leg room, moved over to the slow lane and settled at a steady 70mph in my £600 Metro. Content with the conditions I unzipped myself and set to work. Everything was going fine, and I kept an eye on the rear view mirror. This little trick meant I had plenty of time to tuck the old chap away the few times a car overtook me.
As I was about to finish the job something happened that I hadn't planned, ploughing down on the left had side of me (and therefore completely out of view) from the slip road was a coach full of soldiers that got a birds eye view of me spunking my load all over myself and the dashboard while swerving across 3 lanes of motorway at the sudden approach of 50 overhead spectators.
(BadgerOnToast, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 22:41, Reply)

Not about me it's true,
but i was watching some semi-dirty programme on Bravo or UK Living or something in the hope of tug-worthy bits, (as you do) but it was just a 'frank and good-humoured' (read fucking rubbish) analysis of the British's quirky ideas about sexuality etc etc.

There was a bit about wanking though, and this sex analyst tosser was saying there was a famous story 'in the trade' about a boy living at home who sits back with his headphones on for a nice comfy one, shut his eyes and gets 'cracking'. Takes his time, finishes, sits up, and sees a steaming cup of tea, evidently brought in by mummybank and left....

Makes you cringe, no?

Right, ones involving me....
(unholysmoke, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 22:22, Reply)