Superhero (Re Mistafeesh)
A superhero who spurts fire from his cock. He shall henceforth be known as Japs-eyeclops.
(dulancs, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 14:22, Reply)

Celebrity wankers
a)James Dean Bradfield from the Manic Street Preachers once bragged to a mutual friend that he was 'up to 5 wanks a day'. That said, judging by some of the other posts on this topic he has some way to go before Norris McWhirter's replacement gives him a call.
b)Bob Stanley from St Etienne was, for a time many years ago, fondly known as 'Hand Stanley' because he was reluctant to shag his then girlfriend but was a prodigious onanist.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 14:03, Reply)

Eastern European Pr0n
So I was on a stag-do in Prague sharing a hotel bedroom with two of my mates. On the first night I get in at about 6am to find them unconcious with the TV still on & set to hardcore euro-pr0n.
I went to bed and started to 'sleep' whilst cracking one off to the feast of free to air jud movies.
Next day my mate in the bed next to me mentioned casually that he found it quite difficult to sleep with the muffled sound of purposeful shuffling coming from my bed.
I had to buy lunch so that we can all take this to our grave.
(monkeyht1, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 13:41, Reply)

My girlfriend of many years ago....
once obligingly gave me a handy shandy in a train compartment on the way to Brighton to see her parents.
She camouflaged the action with her raincoat so my man milk ended up on the collar.
Her mum tried to brush it off when we got to her place!
(Doctor Evil, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 13:39, Reply)

Panna cotta
I have just eaten a lovely, creamy white, Marks and Spencers panna cotta dessert with raspberries. Now my mouth tastes worryingly of something else that creamy and white, though less lovely.

I only hope I'm not on the recieving end of some Marks and Sparks minimum wage packer's revenge...
(SusK, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 13:38, Reply)

In the bath
My favourite was always to give my self a good 'cleaning' in the bath. Look, it's mine, i'll wash it as fast as I like.

Anyway, on this occasion, post-frap, I had dunked my head in the water afterwards, and then got out of the bath.

10 mins later, talking to my dad in the kitchen. he tells me i've still got some soap stuck in my fringe.

It wasn't soap. *cringe*
(flarkey, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 13:25, Reply)

inebro-tugging
Why is it when you wank while drunk that your unit looks like a puffy sharpei's leg when you wake up the next morning?
(chimchim, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 13:12, Reply)

A friend called Neil once brought his computer round to our house
another friend decided it would be funny to check for porn
"oh, i've deleted all that" says neil, confidently

unfortunately, his dad, who would often use the computer in neil's bedroom had not removed all the pictures of naked middle aged women he'd been looking at

theres a special facial expression reserved for discovering ones father's porn
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 13:11, Reply)

Dildo racing
As with many here, not strictly on-topic but still....
My sis's boyf's mate is a primary school teacher (as am I) and one morning saw all the kids in a huddle in the playground chasing a moving object. Turns out one had brought in a thing he'd found under Mummy's bed and they were turning it on and watching it move around the playground. It was duly confiscated and at the end of the day, it was given to the kid's Dad who commented "I didn't even know we had one of these" and set off home for a slightly uncomfortable evening, we can imagine.
But imagine if the trend had caught on..."My Mum's got one of those too..." Racing tournaments in playgrounds up and down Britain...
(gibletwarrior, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 13:02, Reply)

there;s someone we know as The Mighty Penis
since he accidentally dialled his mum on the mobile phone in his pocket when his member moved somewhat while watching porn
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 12:52, Reply)

I had a friend once,
that I was unfortunate enough to have made a phone call to while he was 'on the job'. He was too polite to put the phone down after I'd rung him - it'd been a while since we'd talked - so what did he do? He just carried on.
After like 10 minutes he told me he just had a wank. Took me a while to figure out why he said that.
(brazzin, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 12:48, Reply)

A mates mate ......
Wanks at work, he uses his wastepaper bin under his desk!!!!!!
Wrong, just wrong!
( M@rkoni, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 12:48, Reply)

Not so much wanking as a hand-job story
Anyway, a couple of years ago when we were students, my girlfirend and I went on holiday to Ireland with another couple we were friends with.

After the holiday, we were driving home, having just dropped our friends off at their place. Being young, adventurous and very horny, my girlfriend and I started to engage in a bit of mutual masturbation whilst bombing down the motorway at 90mph.

Things progressed, and I uttered the very romantic words "I'm going to come, get something to catch it". In response to which, My girlfriend grabbed what looked like a fluffy towel from the back seat, and I proceeded to fill it with my love juice (euphamisms are great aren't they?).

Of course, it wasn't until afterwards, that we realised that it was our friend's cashmere sweater that I had just spunked into.
Our friend asked for her sweater back the next day as she remembered leaving it in our car. We had no choice but to own up to what we had done. She didn't want the sweater back despite our offers of dry cleaning.

Oh well. It felt great though :-)
( jonas is not my name, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 12:34, Reply)

Firstly,
Whoever came up with this question: you sir, are a genious!

Mine involves window cleaners... yes you can probably guess it already. So there I am, 12 years old, sat on my bedroom floor having a nice tug-o-war with the ol love handle, when out of the corner of my eye I see a head pop up over my open window. The friggin window cleaner!

I turn my head but he has already ducked back, obviously having seen me bashing away. He then starts to make a load of 'climbing' noises on the ladder to supposedly let me know he's there.

Course by the time he comes back up I've used the super fast reflexes of one 'caught in the act' to get the f*ck out of there!

I didn't see him again luckily...

edit: sorry, that's all bull - if I remember correctly they were painters painting the house.
( abcdefghijklmnopqrtuvwxyz123, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 12:31, Reply)

more nurse tales
Some similar tales include an old bloke who used his parkinsons to toss off to, wouldn't have been so bad if he wasn't in a public ward.

A young teenage lad had to have an op to remove a dildo from far up his arse, when his parents came to pick him up he asked for the reason he was in to be kept quiet, the surgeon left the offending item in a clear plastic bag at the end of his bed, didn't go down well.

I've also been told that the usual excuse is 'I was naked and fell over' or similar even when dressed, some however claim ignorance.

Normally found are vibrators, coke bottles and the odd grapefruit!
(inkworm, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 12:31, Reply)

Nurses have the best stories
i used to hang out with a lot of nurses, they'd all worked in casualty.
Their stories:

some bint's wanked with a light bulb, poked it right up, she had a muscle twitch it broke.

an old dear came and sat in casualty for hours, evidently in pain, but wouldn't talk to anyone until it all got too much and she had to tell the doc she had a roast potato up her.

A full bunch of grapes. Up the front bottom. One by one. had to be tweezered out.

Not strictly wank, but couple doing biz in country, post-fun, girly decides its fun to pick a daisy and slide it down her bloke's peehole.
Daisies have hairs on stems which poke upwards towards bloom.
Flower came off in her fingers, stem lodged in willy.

Lots and lots of blokes coming with willy damage from the hose attachment of a brand of vacuum cleaner makers who neglected to tell their customers that about 5 inches down the hole, hidden in shadow, was a small sharp fan.
Not half as funny as their excuses for how they had their willy down a household appliance (shower, stairs, dressing gown, fell down, chance in a milion, vacuum left on, gown opened, chance in a million really wasn't it).
(Man in Japan, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 12:18, Reply)

A man of action
I hope this is an urban myth but I suspect it may not be...
I used to go to school with a boy, let's call him Bill. Allegedly, he was bouncing on his bed in an aroused state. He subsequently fell off the bed which resulted in the hand of an Action Man inserting itself up his jap's eye, splitting the skin of the penis that holds the two muscles together.
Clearly he ended up in hospital, having his penis splinted and bandaged.
The reason I am not sure I belive this is because a kid told me, and when I questioned how he knew, said, "Bill's mum told me."
(oiseau, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 12:04, Reply)

hehe this is about a guy i knew from school who went on a d of e trip...
To cut a long story short he happanned to share a tent with a pretty horny guy and the next morning he had trouble opening his eyes :P. Hearsay is that the other guy spooged in his face and glued his eyelids shut :S.

We kinda abused this guy :P we once cling filmed him to a chair and left him in the head of 6th forms office ...the perfect crime.
( monkeyman, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 12:02, Reply)

The perfect crime
A friend of mine was thinking of getting a job at Bloomberg so he asked about to find out what they're like to work for. Utter Nazis, apparently. His favorite story was about one poor chap who was on the night shift. A slow night for news and no-one else in the office so he decides to knock one off the wrist. "The fools!" He thought to himself with glee, "They'll never find out." A week later he received a written warning from management - his performance on the pink oboe had been immortalised on the CCTV they use to monitor the employees.
(peludodan, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 12:00, Reply)

The sweetest taboo!
Okay so this is how the story goes.

A friend of a friend (he was I assure you!) was due to be left alone in his house whilst his parents were shooting out for a few hours on a day trip.

Being the cautious felow he is he waited fot the "Slam" of the door that meant that they had left.
Being full of adolescent hormones decided that it was that "time" again and proceded to drop his pants and throw himself around his room for a bit.

Well being in the full throws of passion he quickly realises that there is no saftey spunk net, so quickly, cock still in hand tugging like a beauty, heads for the bathroom.

As he reaches the point of no return, he just manages to throw open the door and fire his love custard right in front of his mother who had to return to have a piss before she left.

*lucky git!*
(wank spanner, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 11:32, Reply)

"Kinky-Toss"
There was this lad at school... we shall call him Felix... for in true tradition, it is his name.
This was a big posh boarding school, and there existed a large amount of "practice rooms" for the musical minded people.
Felix had discovered a "technique" that he was forced to disclose when somone blundered into a music room to find Felix: somewhat resembling a come-covered Mummy.
Felix proudly said "yeah, it's cool isn't it... you wrap yourself in toilet paper, and it feel like someone else is stroking you all over". The others stood around witnessing his state declined to agree. He looked like a right wanker. He was duely parraded around the house.
This lad, from the age of 14 up to 18 became known to all as "Kinky-Toss"

Apologies for width.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Thu 3 Jun 2004, 11:26, Reply)

Not really a disaster
But I have a friend who referrs to it as "wankabating"
( Squiggy Alloria makes theme parks., Thu 3 Jun 2004, 11:17, Reply)

Once I Was Lying In Bed. . .
listening to my headphones with my eyes closed

I opened my eyes to find my mother had left a cup of hot, steaming spunk next to my bed

how embarassing's that? the dozy cow had forgotten the biscuits!
(le renard, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 11:13, Reply)

Run rabbit...
One easter, i was having to participate in a wanky search around my house for easter eggs, mostly my siblings fault. So im innocently looking all over and getting pissed cos i want my damn chocolate. Im looking in my parents room, and open a drawer under my mums side of the bed, and there it is, a shiny blue vibrator. And 3 rubbery attachments, which i wont delve into...but 2 were for anal joy.
I just pushed the drawer back and left.

Then another day, there apears the fabled ann summers rampant rabit. again, just left it. one day i showed a mate...then attacked him with it. Now its customery to initiate anyone that has slept at my house more than 3 times by pinning them down andputting it in their mouth, im not sure my mother would agree to it, but hey.

There is also the time my brother found it. and questioned my mother...its her 'wobbling willy massager' when i found out, i proceeded to take the piss outa my mum(naturally) and we had compitions to embarress each other. I won by making up this song:

Run rabit, run rabit, run run run
here comes mother with her frontal bum
shes gonna lube you up to make her self cum
so run rabit, run rabit,run run run

I then got my girlfriend who didnt know about it to sing said song around the house. Winner


Sorry about the length/bad spelling/terrible grammer
(Jack-e-oh, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 11:06, Reply)

After A Messy Student Party. . .
I ended up sharing a single bed with a very pretty, very uninterested female

after she'd dropped off, I was forced to crank one off over the side of the bed and onto the floor to relieve the urgent, crushing pressure in my nads

the climax of my performance was greeted by a voice in my ear demanding "NOW will you please go to sleep?"

she also had the grace the next day to tell everyone she met in the street about my antics which scuppered me pulling at uni for- ooo- years

happy days. . .
(le renard, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 10:53, Reply)

Where do you think
I got my username?
( Sausagegirl, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 10:49, Reply)

.
I rolled over one morning and found a steaming cup of tea by the side of my bed. As I had not been evacuating myself of manbatter, I went to roll back over, until I noticed my mum standing there vigourously flicking her bean over me.
(Glis, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 10:41, Reply)

in anticipation
of getting passed over for another payrise at this bloody job after TWO BLOODY YEARS, i'm going to replace the semi skimmed with my own fullfat produce in my bosses coffee.

i shall let you all know - about his reaction to consuming my nutmuck/if he catches me.
(magictorch, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 10:19, Reply)

There's a guy at Uni we call "Lee"
Lee is one of those people that tries to act really mature, even though he wants to be as silly and strange as the rest of us. Anyway, some of his choice phrases of maturity include "I'm going to make a move" when it's only half ten, and he needs his horlicks and an early night. Another phrase that has stuck with us is "I'm going to chill". Great debate was made at what exactly Lee did in his chill time- from doing work, lying on his bed, willing his crappy noel edmonds style hair and beard to grow- or my guess, having a wank. So, to this day, we refer to "Wanking" as "Chillin'". Oh how we laughed the next time he said to us "I'm going back to my room to chill..."
(Phil The Easter Chick, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 10:14, Reply)