Bastard copper...
So, I'm out in the car. My cousin, who was about 10 at the time, was sat in the passenger seat as I was "babysitting" (for want of a better expression) that day.

Needless to say, as 10-year-olds tend to to, she's egging me on to drive faster and faster. We got to about 140mph along a stretch of dual carriageway before I had to ease off as traffic was building up ahead. Anyway, with the speed down to about 80mph, the blue flashing lights appeared in my mirror and I get pulled over.

The usual script gets read out, about how "dangerous" it is etc etc... "and how would you feel if your daughter there got hurt?" (To be fair, she does look like she could be.)

Automatically I said "she's not my daughter". Before I could finish my sentence with "she's my cousin", this little twat of a copper said "oh right, your girlfriend, you look like a paedo to me".

Needless to say, this did not sit well with me, and the red mist descended. By the time his colleage had got out of the car and held me back, Plod was on the floor, me having repeatedly lamped him in the head. He had a black eye, a split lip and a bloody nose.

Backup arrived, and I retrieved my phone from my pocket, stopped it recording and played the recording back to the uniforms who had arrived. They let me go as soon as they heard it.

Needless to say, Plod whined to the CPS and I got a summons for a. speeding, and b. assaulting a police officer. It gets to court. The recording gets played - at which point the CPS withdraw their case.

I get awarded costs, the copper gets sacked.
(RabidRodent I'm the person your mother warned you about, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 17:46, 446 replies)

*fetches popcorn*

( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Mon 30 Sep 2013, 17:56, closed)

I shall take this opportunity to post this screengrab in case the original disappears

( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Tue 1 Oct 2013, 0:23, closed)

it would be a shame if the farsighted accuracy of colonel boris was to remain unacknowledged
( vladimir, Wed 2 Oct 2013, 13:47, closed)

especially as acknowledging it might get us to a half century
( vladimir, Wed 2 Oct 2013, 13:47, closed)

Thanks awfully!
Also:


( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Wed 2 Oct 2013, 17:13, closed)

I greatly admire this

(AWESOMEB0T meddling prick, Wed 2 Oct 2013, 19:30, closed)

Totally posting this here too in the hope of making 500 replies

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Wed 2 Oct 2013, 20:04, closed)

A standard of art I could never achieve.
Truly beautiful (apart from the subject matter).
( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Thu 3 Oct 2013, 0:12, closed)

oh you
I can't square the above pen pic with your bird images tbh :)
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 3 Oct 2013, 0:37, closed)

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 2 Oct 2013, 20:25, closed)

This is far higher praise than I could ever have hoped for.

( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Wed 2 Oct 2013, 22:35, closed)

This is quite brilliant.

( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Thu 3 Oct 2013, 11:16, closed)

You still on the same bag?
375 replies later - it must have been massive
( A Rory Borealis here under duress, Wed 2 Oct 2013, 21:00, closed)

I have to keep running out to the shop.

( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Thu 3 Oct 2013, 9:23, closed)

This definitely happened.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 18:02, closed)

Entirely legit.
'The nasty man was rude to me' is a totally justifiable defence.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 18:35, closed)

DEAR INTERNET USER
STOP RIGHT THERE!
THIS IS A COMMON MISUNDERSTANDING. THE PARTIAL DEFENCE OF PROVOCATION HAS BEEN REPLACED WITH ONE OF "LOSS OF CONTROL" BOTH OF WHICH APPLIED ONLY IN CASES OF HOMICIDE.
(INTERNETLAWYERMAN, QC ACE ATTORNEY, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 10:06, closed)

YES!

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 10:45, closed)

alright BD

(AWESOMEB0T meddling prick, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 17:36, closed)

Thank you internetlawyerman!

(AWESOMEB0T meddling prick, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 13:55, closed)

This is the best cover story I've ever heard

(ringofyre, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 18:03, closed)

Well this just has everything.

( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 18:06, closed)

Wasn't wrong though, was he?
b3ta.com/questions/guiltysecrets/post88784
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 18:06, closed)

2007:
a simpler time, when confessions of noncery could go unchallenged.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 9:11, closed)

Lucky you were recording, although I suppose when playing it back in court you had to be very careful to skip through all the bits where you had sex with your 10 year old cousin.

(AWESOMEB0T meddling prick, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 18:27, closed)

I just hope the suspension on his car was stronger than his mate's sister's bed.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 18:34, closed)

Ick...
1. She's my cousin, 2. she was 10 years old at the time. I know this is b3ta but that's still fucking wrong...
(RabidRodent I'm the person your mother warned you about, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 20:00, closed)

Go on RabidRodent, fucking lamp him one
He totally challenged your manliness. I bet he's a nonce himself. Yeah, go on, fucking do him.
( SugarSpunSister Yeah, whatever, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 20:05, closed)

Now, now lads we've all had a few pints...

( Slippery Mick ‏, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 20:09, closed)

Hit him RabidfuckingRodent!
He called you a nonce, go on, record it on your phone and go to town on the cunt! Fucking bastard deserves it!

Track him down and fucking give him what for!

Make it your life mission to avenge the honour of your fictitious cousin, find this piece of shit and make him pay for his nasty words. Ooh yeah, make that cunt wish he'd never been born. We'll all bear witness in court to the slander and provocation that justified violent retribution.

Go on you big puff, Hit Him!
( Ken Oath, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 20:51, closed)

Call me a fucking nonce eh? I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU, I DON'T CARE IF I DO TIME

(AWESOMEB0T meddling prick, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 21:07, closed)

For someone who has been here 7 years you really don't understand how this place works at all, do you?

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 20:40, closed)

he seems like one of those council estate types who don't understand much of anything

( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 20:53, closed)

Alright, you sexy rubber pervert?

(bogus official shove it up your cunt, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 21:25, closed)

alright shitlegs
/ac
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 21:27, closed)

Yeah cock on, brother
Saw a new lass's fanny last night. Looked like a crap butcher throwing out giblets. Still..lovely small soft hands and no gag reflex.
(bogus official shove it up your cunt, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 21:40, closed)

Are you calling me a fucking liar you disgusting fat paedo? Do you wanna take this outside the internet?

(AWESOMEB0T meddling prick, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 21:02, closed)

I chin coppers all the time
It's well lol and more often than not rofl.
(bogus official shove it up your cunt, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 18:52, closed)

Yes indeed.
Tremendous fun. I too quite often bash policemen (and policewoman) for looking at me wrong, or spilling my pint.
( Ken Oath, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 21:03, closed)

Pint spillers!
Worse than Hitler
(bogus official shove it up your cunt, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 21:25, closed)

I have on occasion believed AB's Archive to verge on bullying
But you deserve top billing.
( Peej, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 18:55, closed)

This.

( Slippery Mick ‏, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 18:57, closed)

That.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 20:00, closed)

Paddytwat

(McChinaman banned, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 20:41, closed)

Give the plod a bone(r)

( A Rory Borealis here under duress, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 21:03, closed)

Hard man cunt goes noncing home

(Dr Doctor Can't you see I'm burning burning?, Thu 3 Oct 2013, 9:48, closed)

Bit graceless of the plod to complain to the CPS, after you kindly permitted him to live. Some people...

EDIT: Don't let it get your goat, it's a satyr.
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 19:16, closed)

and once again, Happy Phantom comes to the defence of b3ta's nonces.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 14:19, closed)

Merely pointing out that it's just satire. Don't let that diminish your impotent internerd fury, though.
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 18:08, closed)

*head in hands*

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 19:38, closed)

It's probably all that talk of noncing.
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 20:10, closed)

Aaawe bless
The idea that you'd beat up a copper, and when the back-up arrives you whip out your evidence, and they say fair do's...and not take the phone off you, give you a kicking and charge you with everything from littering to arson in a royal dockyard is heart warming.
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Mon 30 Sep 2013, 19:55, closed)

It was 8 years ago...
so apologies if some of the details aren't 100%.

The point being, what that copper said was bang out of order, and plus I had a witness. She may have only been 10, she might not have understood what that bad word the copper used meant, but she remembered it.

Because when I got home the whole story got relayed to her parents in graphic detail... "Mummy, this bad policeman called RabidRodent a 'paedo' so he beat him up, what does that word mean?"
(RabidRodent I'm the person your mother warned you about, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 20:03, closed)

So in 2005, you weren't hauled up before a judge and given 3-5 years for assaulting a plod?
Fucking do one you lying cunt.
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 20:12, closed)

"He started it!" is ineffective on parents,
but magistrates lap it up.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 9:14, closed)

Graphic detail?
Did you tell them you drove their daughter at 140mph?
Did they beat you up before or after you had a chance to tell them they looked like paedos?
( A Rory Borealis here under duress, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 20:38, closed)

If they'd so much as laid a finger on him he would have slammed his honda accord into first, revved it so hard they would have vomited and shit themselves with fear
and then done a wicked ollie and then flipped it sideways and roundhoused them with his 10 foot spoiler into the next fucking postcode area.
(AWESOMEB0T meddling prick, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 21:15, closed)

spoiler alert!

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 9:20, closed)

Some of the details aren't 100%? Really?
( Ken Oath, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 20:42, closed)

I believed every word
up until the beginning.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 20:46, closed)

Actually, I've just been struck by the horrible possibility
that the OP actually does believe his own story.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 20:47, closed)

Ha ha.

You need something like this now and again though, makes a change from the fucking Marshmallow vs. Sickpuppet banter.
( Ken Oath, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 20:54, closed)

^this^

(Dr Doctor Can't you see I'm burning burning?, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 11:53, closed)

( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 20:45, closed)

Newspapers were online 8 years ago.
Please, I'd love to read your 'local newspaper' account of the nonce-accusing copper, the fight and then his dismissal.

I really don't expect you to reply.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 22:24, closed)

Must've been before Yewtree, innit.

( Slippery Mick ‏, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 20:04, closed)

Hahaha fuck off you cunt.

( Malchick, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 20:07, closed)

I think the final line of this story got deleted.
Let me correct that:

"And then I woke up."


There. Much better.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 20:35, closed)

"....with my cock in my hand."

( Tab Hunter Make this useless process end and so, begin again, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 9:01, closed)

"....with my cock in my hand cousin."
( sm.pl.crt.rs I don't fucking know, do I?, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 11:56, closed)

"Backup arrived"...for fuck's sake.

Walter Mitty goes berserk on nasty copper.
( Ken Oath, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 20:37, closed)

( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 20:41, closed)

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 20:48, closed)

actual lol

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 20:49, closed)

^ This

( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 21:57, closed)

Sums this thread up beautifully.

( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Mon 30 Sep 2013, 21:57, closed)

ahahaha

(AWESOMEB0T meddling prick, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 14:30, closed)

ALTERNATIVELY:

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 20:49, closed)

that one's a classic

( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 20:56, closed)

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 20:42, closed)

I love that phrase.
( Ken Oath, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 20:55, closed)

( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 20:43, closed)

(McChinaman banned, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 20:46, closed)

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 21:01, closed)

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 21:01, closed)

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 21:02, closed)

I love this.

( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Mon 30 Sep 2013, 21:57, closed)

Best thing this week.
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 22:14, closed)

This is pretty damned excellent.

( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 23:01, closed)

lol

(AWESOMEB0T meddling prick, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 14:30, closed)

Yes dear.
So, you against a trained police officer equipped with CS, truncheon and other assorted goodies. Oh, and his mate as well. Who would ALSO be equipped with items of necessity to keep good law and order.
Lets say you DID get a punch in - it wouldn't be long before you would have been on the floor writhing and sobbing like a baby after being CS'd.
And also, lets say, you DID have a phone recording of him giving you some "verbal".
Erm, after a copper has repeatedly crunched your phone into millions of fragments on the floor in front of your face I would challenge any fucker to try and recover any files.
And lastly - copper making a smart arsed reply against GBH against an officer? YOU LOSE!

You score a "fuck off".

TL-DR ... I work alongside em, and your story is shit.
( Tesco Quality 60.825659, -0.788337, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 21:06, closed)

Sucked in!
Ok, that was the over-dramatised version. The non-dramatised version wouldn't have made good reading.

But yes, a copper pulled me for speeding (fair cop actually), then accused me of noncing up my then 10-year-old cousin. (Who's actually the closest thing I have to a daughter, and if anyone so much as thought about laying a finger on her I'd kill them with my bare hands.) And the copper found himself on the end of my pure fury.

Like I said, the events on which the dramatisation were based were fairly mundane. He was single-crewed. He ended up getting hit exactly once, square in the middle of the face. At which point I legged it back to the car and drove off.

At which point the awkward questions started coming from my cousin - "why did you hit that policeman?" and "what did he mean when he called you a peanut?"

See, nowhere near as exciting to read. But someone did put in an earlier post that they wanted to see the phrases "this did not sit well with me" and "the red mist descended". So there. *neeeerrr*
(RabidRodent I'm the person your mother warned you about, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 21:17, closed)

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 21:18, closed)

this:
www.b3ta.com/questions/purefury/post2105029
(RabidRodent I'm the person your mother warned you about, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 21:21, closed)

Yes dear.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 21:22, closed)

And did I mention...
the roundhouse and karate kicks, the judo chops, etc etc... and how I single-handedly took out an entire riot van full of coppers?

And did I also mention that my 10-year-old cousin was actually Hit Girl?
(RabidRodent I'm the person your mother warned you about, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 21:22, closed)

And that I touched her downstairs bits
while she was wearing that purple wig?
(spanishfly 2, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 21:26, closed)

Have you tried digging up?

( Slippery Mick ‏, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 21:28, closed)

No
They're better warm.
(spanishfly 2, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 21:30, closed)

Oh, I'm so l33t...
Yes, I can change letters to numbers to make it appear like I'm impersonating another user too. And then change my signature to match. Ho-hum...
(RabidRodent I'm the person your mother warned you about, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 21:41, closed)

Prick

(spanishfly 2, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 21:45, closed)

NONCE!
( Tesco Quality 60.825659, -0.788337, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 3:36, closed)

Judo is an art of self defence
often utilising an opponents momentum against them in order to perform throwing manoeuvres.
Unless "Judo" is the name of you pet lamb, pig or cow.
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 0:01, closed)

multilol

(bogus official shove it up your cunt, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 21:28, closed)

Looks like Larkin.

(McChinaman banned, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 21:50, closed)

Yes dear....
But you DID say in your first post the colleague stepped in to stop you from carrying out any further physical assault.
Yet in the reply, you say that there wasn't a second person, ready to jump out of the car (if he or she wasn't already), and therefore not ready to spray you full on in the face with a happy spray of CS.

Being honest, with all this bullshit you are coming out with, my betting is that if you do / did have have a 10 yr old cousin, I bet she thinks you are a bit of a paedo cunt, and so wouldn't get into a car with you on her own, as do most of us on here so forth.
( Tesco Quality 60.825659, -0.788337, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 3:31, closed)

( skeltonator Needs some new daps., Tue 1 Oct 2013, 14:30, closed)

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 21:12, closed)

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 21:15, closed)

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 21:16, closed)

Forgot to mention...
This is me and my cousin:


(RabidRodent I'm the person your mother warned you about, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 21:34, closed)

Although, to be fair
she does look better out of that uniform.
(spanishfly 2, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 21:39, closed)

Indeed.

(McChinaman banned, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 21:51, closed)

She was 12 when the first Kick-Ass was filmed.
So in addition to being Walter Mittissimmo III, Internet Hardman, you're also actually a paedo? I think AB needs to erect a separate wing of the Fail Archive just to cope with all this.
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 22:18, closed)

ok I think you got a little confused here

( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 21:39, closed)

Are these your Friday night dress up friends? Judging by the initials on the belt buckles, Mr BinDun and your cousin, Miss HairlessGash.
( Ken Oath, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 21:58, closed)

Yeah thanks mods for force-changing my username rather than outright banning me.

(spanishfly 2, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 18:47, closed)

Well you can't expect them to stand idly by whilst a fellow nonce is being picked on.

(AWESOMEB0T meddling prick, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 19:11, closed)

Have they done something to stop this appearing as his most popular QOTW too?

( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 21:07, closed)

I am going to undertake a full analysis of this, and I am going to conclude by showing that (if you don’t want to know the result, look away now) you are a paedo and a wanker.

Firstly let’s take it as accepted that this is a made up story, and therefore a product of your imagination. The elements that combine to create your narrative are of interest to our analysis here and the first element I would draw your attention to is the presence of your cousin. The detail of her age is important to you and is included immediately, as is your role as her carer.

The next important detail is the speeding; so immediately we are in a situation which implies recklessness, and risk-taking. You draw her into complicity with this through her encouragement of your behaviour; she is “egging you on.” There is a tinderbox of imaginative inappropriateness now just waiting for a spark.

At this point the police arrive. These are emblematic of your super-ego, and in typical super-ego style they seek frantically to control, suppress and dominate your raging, amoral id with their petty rules and taboos of shame. “and how would you feel if your daughter there got hurt?" asks your superego, foolishly attempting to bring your id to heel.

We are treated to a brief pause in the breakneck pace of the action-focused narrative at this point, the parentheses signalling a snag within this blossoming fantasy. Although you have already established your passenger’s familial relationship to you, your ‘policeman’ has introduced uncertainty of identity by pointing out that she could be mistaken for your daughter. Your ego steps in to mediate here and acknowledge the truth of the assertion; “to be fair, she does look like she could be...” I would suggest that even within your imaginative schema you are unable to truthfully approach the heart of the taboo you seek to break, and therefore allude to it obliquely.

At this point the narrative breaks down into the conflicting voices of your fragmented self; is she your cousin, daughter or girlfriend? The id steps in and provides the only answer it can give, sensual and unco-ordinated violence; the openly made suggestion that you are actually doing what you cannot even admit to yourself you are fantasising about, is too much to contain.

The aftermath I will not dwell on beyond pointing out that your imagined triumph and vindication signifies a fantasy of “getting away with” your transgression, as I feel the above provides sufficient proof of my first conclusion.

As to my second conclusion, on the basis that, as I have established above, all of these characters are creations of your imagination, and therefore the imagined intercourse is with a self-generated figure, you are in addition to being a paedo, also a wanker.
( vladimir, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 22:18, closed)

*awards MPhil*

( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 22:22, closed)

hahahahahahaha
actual splutter. Win.
( rofl harris, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 23:30, closed)

deconstructionlols

(McChinaman banned, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 22:24, closed)

nice work there Sigmund

( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 22:28, closed)

This wins

(bogus official shove it up your cunt, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 22:36, closed)

I reckon he's got one tiny deformed beadle hand that he uses for wanking

(AWESOMEB0T meddling prick, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 23:09, closed)

.... that he keeps it in a box in the garage?

( Flash_Bastard, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 11:26, closed)

Doesn't everyone?

( sm.pl.crt.rs I don't fucking know, do I?, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 12:00, closed)

Well done Mr. Nabokov

(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 23:11, closed)

This should be in a journal.

( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Tue 1 Oct 2013, 0:18, closed)

*awards nonce-outing prize*

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 9:24, closed)

*APPLAUDS*

( skeltonator Needs some new daps., Tue 1 Oct 2013, 15:16, closed)

Excellent analysis.
Oh, and cock off noob.
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Tue 1 Oct 2013, 21:49, closed)

Utter twaddle.
pseuds corner.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Thu 3 Oct 2013, 9:44, closed)

Don't let any of these other posters get to you
there's nothing wrong with wanting to fuck 10 year olds, as long as it's confined to a fantasy like this one. It's only when you start planning to act out such sick paedo perversions that you should seek professional counseling
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 22:30, closed)

Outside of b3ta (and Sickipedia)...
I wouldn't touch anyone under 20.

Back to normal service anyway...
(RabidRodent I'm the person your mother warned you about, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 22:35, closed)

it's good that you feel this is a safe place to share your repressed desires, however repugnant we might find them
www.b3ta.com/questions/darkness/post490062/
"I was at the time madly in love with this girl, I shall call her Heidi, for that was her name. She was 15."

www.b3ta.com/questions/wankbank/post1713528/
"And for the record: Shagging a 15 year old when you're 22 doesn't make you a nonce.Interfering with girls of primary school age (or younger) - now that makes you a nonce"

www.b3ta.com/questions/schooldays/post356522/
"I got kicked out of primary school...
...for fingering a girl behind the bike sheds."

www.b3ta.com/questions/gettingolder/post414580/
"I'm quite a bit older than gf. She's not young enough to be my daugher or anything but still more than a 10-year age gap"


www.b3ta.com/questions/cougars/post323857/
"Wait for 6 years...
and shag the daughter? "
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 22:40, closed)

I'm glad that all of this incriminating nonce evidence is being collated into a paedo-file.

(AWESOMEB0T meddling prick, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 23:05, closed)

Selective quoting again, I see...
From the first linked post, immediately before the quoted text:

"Right, I shall put the year at around 1992, so I'd have been about 14. And hormones were raging."

So, chasing after a 15-year-old when you're 14. Problem? Not likely.

Next, quoting two obviously facetious posts out of context? Spot on. We can all do that! Just like why you shouldn't shag a midget with learning difficulties - it's not big and it's not clever.

And taking a quite deep posting about a (now-ex) gf who was sexually abused as a kid, then pulling it out of context? Well sorry, but that's the lowest of the low.
(RabidRodent I'm the person your mother warned you about, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 23:26, closed)

Tell you what, maybe stop bragging about how you, a grown man, had sex with underagers?

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 23:30, closed)

Oh whoopee-doo...
...so when I was 22 I nailed some girl less than a week before her 16th birthday - and we were in France at the time, so completely legal (unless your name's Jeremy Forrest, which mine isn't). Remember boys & girls, AOC in France is 15.

Next question?

(Starting to remember why I stopped coming on here now... but as I've got more time on my hands these days I'll just keep feeding the trolls, it's entertaining.)
(RabidRodent I'm the person your mother warned you about, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 23:35, closed)

I think that is wrong
Actually under countries linked by the MLAT (or something like that); it is an offence to travel to another country and perform an action which would be an offence in your own country. It is designed, amongst other things, to stop massive paedos from being sex tourists.
I assume you will now list Far East Asian countries which aren't covered by MLAT seeing as you seem to be setting yourself up as paedo travel agent?
(Squidlipps Anyway, so how's your sex life on, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 0:20, closed)

You think wrong then...
There is, I believe, a provision in the Sexual Offences Act 2003 for this, however it's pretty much unenforceable throughout the EU due to a little thing called the Human Rights Act 1998, article 7, paragraph 1:

"No one shall be held guilty of any criminal offence on account of any act or omission which did not constitute a criminal offence under national or international law at the time when it was committed."

So, go to France with a group of friends, end up shagging one friend's younger sister a week before her 16th birthday - an act which is legal in the country you're in - and there's nothing anyone can do.

If you remember the Jeremy Forrest / Megan Stammers case, they could only issue a European Arrest Warrant for the offence of abduction (because that was still an offence under French law). They couldn't do anything about him shagging her, because it wasn't an offence under the French jurisdiction. Although I believe they got her to admit that he'd porked her whilst in the UK, hence the s.9 charge he got convicted of.

Translated from legalese to b3tan - get your fucking facts straight and do your research before posting bullshit, you faggot!
(RabidRodent I'm the person your mother warned you about, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 5:18, closed)

Do your research before posting bullshit?
See OP
( A Rory Borealis here under duress, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 8:15, closed)

So what you're saying is you only act on your lustful feelings towards children if you know you can get away with it?

( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 8:19, closed)

Impressive knowledge of the law surrounding having sex with children here.
It's almost like you're protesting too much here.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 8:38, closed)

Impressive knowledge of the law?
Perhaps that's because I'm employed within the legal system, dumbass?
(RabidRodent I'm the person your mother warned you about, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 9:08, closed)

He's a cop-punching lawyer and he's protecting little girls, yeah!
He'll smash you in and you'll alway lose, 'cos he always wins, yeah!
He's a cop-punching lawyer in the Fight For Right,
He's gonna start speeding so hold on tight!
He knows about the law and he'll kick your ass
And it was only his cousin so he gets a free pass!

He's a cop-punching lawyer, YEAH!
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 9:20, closed)

This for Christmas number 1

( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 9:30, closed)

I'm thinking Kanye remixes, I'm thinking covers, I'm thinking limited release for the Hallowe'en market ...
This is gonna be big!
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 9:45, closed)

IANAL
however I am on a retainer for a law firm's IT service contract.
(RabidRodent I'm the person your mother warned you about, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 10:20, closed)

Just when I thought this thread couldn't get any better, you go and top it all.
Seriously, you should be very proud of the whole thread, but this comment is priceless.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 10:48, closed)

Oh my.
"I KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT I AM EMPLOYED WITHIN THE LEGAL SYSTEM as a tech support monkey."
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 11:20, closed)

Oh, good lord.
That's a bit like saying that the guy who cleans the windows is the next Master of the Rolls.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 11:30, closed)

To be fair, I AM The Master Of The Rolls, and I did clean a window once.
Well - I've certainly looked out of one, anyway.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 11:38, closed)

Ah - I hadn't realised that that was a judge's wig.
I thought it was your natural hair.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 11:40, closed)

*flicks shimmering locks in slow-motion*

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 11:43, closed)

Because...
I'm worth it!
(RabidRodent I'm the person your mother warned you about, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 11:52, closed)

Well ...
I am, at least.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 11:58, closed)

If by 'it' you mean 'getting locked up and placed on a sex offenders register specifically for bullshitting internet hardmen'
Then yes, you definitely are.
(Dr Doctor Can't you see I'm burning burning?, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 12:38, closed)

hahaha

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 18:40, closed)

You get paid to keep mouthy coppers in check?
Nice work if you can get it.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 9:28, closed)

TOP INTERNET LAWYER

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 9:43, closed)

DEAR INTERNET USER
HOW MAY I ASSIST YOU TODAY?
(INTERNETLAWYERMAN, QC ACE ATTORNEY, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 10:00, closed)

I doubt this very much.

( WormuIus, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 9:55, closed)

I'm not sure being in prison counts as employment.

(AWESOMEB0T meddling prick, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 10:01, closed)

Hahahaha!

( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 10:06, closed)

News flash...
Inmates are not permitted Internet access in any way, shape or form, unless on day-release, and even then, only if not prohibited by their licence conditions.
(RabidRodent I'm the person your mother warned you about, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 10:21, closed)

They aren't permitted drugs or mobile phones either
but that doesn't seem to stop prisons being awash with them
( chthonic, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 11:16, closed)

Don't argue with him, he's on the IT helpdesk at a lawyers office, he'll have you thrown in internet jail.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 11:23, closed)

Not if you punch him first.
Apparently that's a 100% reliable way to have all accusations against you dropped.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 11:31, closed)

You seem to know an awful lot about being in prison...

(AWESOMEB0T meddling prick, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 12:27, closed)

And the sexual offences act 2003
(Dr Doctor Can't you see I'm burning burning?, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 12:59, closed)

All in the public domain...
Sexual Offences Act 2003

You just have to understand a bit of Legalese.
(RabidRodent I'm the person your mother warned you about, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 13:17, closed)

Ah, I did wonder when the Legalese Defence was going to rear its ugly head ...

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 14:45, closed)

Have you read this thread?
HE'S TROLLING THE TROLLS, YOU IDIOT!
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 15:04, closed)

So what you are saying is that I was right?
That the sexual offences act 2003 does state that "(a)a United Kingdom national does an act in a country outside the United Kingdom, and
(b)the act, if done in England and Wales, would constitute a sexual offence to which this section applies,the United Kingdom national is guilty in England and Wales] of that sexual offence.

A funny bunch the french (they harboured Polanski for a long while too) and they obviously don't see the inherent issues with a sexual predator grooming a child and coming to their country to avoid paying the appropriate price in their own country. I find it disturbing that you seem to think its big and clever to circumvent laws in the UK which are designed to protect children from being abused and cite a case involving a teacher and a pupil in your defense.

It wouldn't surprise me if you were in the legal trade....paedophiles always seem to get ridiculously lenient sentences so I imagine you're a judge.
(Squidlipps Anyway, so how's your sex life on, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 14:51, closed)

Yes, that's the bit I was referring to...
HOWEVER:

Human Rights Act 1998, article 7, paragraph 1:

"No one shall be held guilty of any criminal offence on account of any act or omission which did not constitute a criminal offence under national or international law at the time when it was committed."

Because the Human Rights Act was enacted in 1998, and the Sexual Offences Act in 2003, under the ultra vires principle the existing law takes precedent over the newer law, unless the older law is explicitly repealed. Which, of course, it wasn't.

My point about the Forrest case was that they could only extradite him for child abduction (which is an offence under French law), not underage sex, because she was 15 (which is legal in France), and they couldn't use the "position of responsibility" argument as he'd ceased to be in a position of responsibility the moment he walked out of his teaching job and ran away to France with someone half his age.

Of course, it later transpired that he'd "sexually touched" her whilst in the UK, and thus was also charged under SoA 2003 s.9(1).

I cited that case as it was an excellent example of how that provision of the SoA 2003 is incompatible with the HRA 1998.

(Forrest still got 5 1/2 years, if you remember? So he didn't exactly "get away with it".)
(RabidRodent I'm the person your mother warned you about, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 15:45, closed)

So you got all this law knowledge from fixing a computer in a solicitor's office.
Wow.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 16:57, closed)

Not "fixing"...
Installing and maintaining a server suite, network, a number of workstations, offsite backups etc etc.

It's funny just how much you learn about your client's field of expertise, which in this case happens to be law.
(RabidRodent I'm the person your mother warned you about, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 17:21, closed)

So what you're saying here is that you're a nosy cunt who can't be trusted around data that isn't yours?

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 20:19, closed)

Again, not at all...
I wouldn't share it around, but some of the things clients say... for your own amusement... ;-)
(RabidRodent I'm the person your mother warned you about, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 20:44, closed)

DEAR ONLINE PERVERT
THESE ADMISIONS COULD AMOUNT TO REPREHENSIBLE BEHAVIOUR FOR THE PURPOSES OF A BAD CHARACTER APPLICATION DURING YOUR INTERNET TRIAL
(INTERNETLAWYERMAN, QC ACE ATTORNEY, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 9:59, closed)

French nonce

(immadme, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 17:44, closed)

DEAR INTERNET PREDATOR
I FEEL OBLIGED TO POINT OUT THAT THE AGE OF CRIMINAL RESPONSIBILITY IN ENGLAND & WALES IS 10 YEARS OLD.
(INTERNETLAWYERMAN, QC ACE ATTORNEY, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 9:58, closed)

Selective quoting, ay
My first comment was flippant, but after a quick click on your replies to QOTW reveals that 80% of your posts to previous questions relate in someway to sex with minors.
I find this rather disturbing, depite your attempts to trivialise it with humour. my fear is that level of obsession might indicate that despite your joking fascade, you may actually be a paedophile, whether latent or active, and a real danger of harming minors.
You seem incapable of understanding why the law would seek to protect 15 year old girls from people such as yourself.
Reading between the lines, and from your other QOTW answers, it seems that you had a disturbed childhood. Perhaps, now as an adult you prefer to regress to childhood in order to get a second chance at the happiness you never had, by seeking inappropriate relations with minors as an adult. This is very similar to Michael Jacksons tragic life. Your OP seems to tick many of these boxes.
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 16:11, closed)

Interesting psychology, but wrong
Try "creating an Internet persona that is allowed to break every social taboo, which in real life would probably get you lifed off".

Or, a comment which if made down the pub would get you glassed, on here results in a hilarious exchange of trolling posts. You get to play bait-a-troll. Hours of free entertainment.

To sum up my original post: "Light the blue touch paper and retire immediately to a safe distance."

And believe me, I'm laughing from that safe distance!
(RabidRodent I'm the person your mother warned you about, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 17:25, closed)

if it was just a one-off, I might find this idea that it's all an act convincing. A clever bit of shit-stirring
however, seeing as how you have now told several anecdotes over many months about sex with minors, not all of them as obviously inflamatory as this one, and filled with varying amounts of detail, I don't buy it.
It just sounds like a mix of fantasy and real-life from somebody who confuses the two and thinks a lot about sex with children. I fear the real truth may be even uglier than what you've revealed
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 18:53, closed)

There are plenty of people on here who pretend to be cunts for the lols.
I think what worries people is that either you are

1) A paedophile

or that you are going to such great lengths to portray yourself as a disgusting hateful person with absolutely no self control who preys on underage girls that you seem to be getting some sort of sexual thrill from the idea of being

2) A paedophile
(AWESOMEB0T meddling prick, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 19:03, closed)

What a vile piece of shit.
( Ken Oath, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 2:41, closed)

DEAR INTERNET USER
I AM GRATEFUL TO YOU FOR YOUR KIND ASSISTANCE IN GATHERING THIS IMPORTANT INTERNET EVIDENCE
(INTERNETLAWYERMAN, QC ACE ATTORNEY, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 10:14, closed)

Just doing my duty as a good internet citizen, INTERNETLAWYERMAN

( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 19:33, closed)

Ten of them would be tiring.

hyphenlols
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 22:45, closed)

I can't work out if you mean this or not
So I will be boring and point out that research indicates that engaging in sexual fantasy actually increases the likelihood of engaging in the activity at some point. That, coupled with the 'she was egging me on' defence used by paedos everywhere; is truly cause for concern.
(Squidlipps Anyway, so how's your sex life on, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 0:08, closed)

Where's the sexual fantasy come from?
I'm looking after my cousin, who was 10 years old at the time. I get pulled for speeding. Copper accuses me of being a "nonce" cos the 10-year-old girl in the passenger seat isn't my daughter (despite being a blood relative). I take exception to this and smack the copper in the face.

So, where's the sexual fantasy come into it? Only some kind of nonce could read a sexual fantasy into that situation.

So, research clearly indicates that 1. you can't recognise a joke when you see one (see earlier link) and 2. you're a fucking nonce who got a boner when I mentioned my 10-year-old cousin. Who, btw, is now 18. And I'd still kill any fucker that even thought about laying a finger on her. That's if she didn't kick them square in the nads first of course.

Of course, as this thread has shown, the general standard of conversation on this board has gone down in the last few years, so I'll just stand here and shout "YOUR ALL GAY, LOL!" instead.
(RabidRodent I'm the person your mother warned you about, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 5:10, closed)

"It's okay for me to diddle my cousin now, she's legal!"

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 9:25, closed)

Ick.
Experience everything in life except incest and cannibalism.
(RabidRodent I'm the person your mother warned you about, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 10:22, closed)

"Experience everything in life except incest and cannibalism."
Does that include noncing?
( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Tue 1 Oct 2013, 10:39, closed)

Apparently so...
as long as your "victim" isn't related to you, as that would be incest.

And as long as you don't eat him/her for dinner afterwards.
(RabidRodent I'm the person your mother warned you about, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 11:53, closed)

Wait, why'd you put victim in quotes?
Are you saying paedophilia is a victimless crime?
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 12:08, closed)

I'm guessing he thinks they're only a 'victim' when they can escape his cellar.

( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Tue 1 Oct 2013, 12:40, closed)

Well...
Maddy hasn't managed to escape.
(RabidRodent I'm the person your mother warned you about, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 13:33, closed)

Haha yeah
topical
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 20:56, closed)

Like he put "babysitting" in speechmarks in the OP.
This is one creepy cock-end who is not doing himelf any favours
(Dr Doctor Can't you see I'm burning burning?, Thu 3 Oct 2013, 10:43, closed)

Fictional child abuse is okay, I think

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 13:31, closed)

yeh those fictional kids are all begging for it, the little teases...

(Dr Doctor Can't you see I'm burning burning?, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 14:05, closed)

We might have to ask INTERNETLAWYERMAN

(AWESOMEB0T meddling prick, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 14:28, closed)

Doofus
The sexual fantasy comment comes from Cumquats comment...which i replied to.

P.S. One could read quite a lot of fantasy into your original post but much has already been made of that and I don't need to contribute.

P.P.S Someone who is egged on to drive at 10,000 times the speed of light by a 10 year old girl; is probably not best placed to criticise the standard of anything.
(Squidlipps Anyway, so how's your sex life on, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 15:01, closed)

What type of car were you driving?
Was it a Honda Accord?
( WormuIus, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 23:26, closed)

OH SHIT IT'S WORMULUS

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 23:30, closed)

ISN'T IT WORMUIUS?
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 23:57, closed)

I wasn't going to miss this party.
Normally I would expect INTERNETLAWYERMAN,QC to make an appearance but I don't think it would add anything.
( WormuIus, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 9:55, closed)

DEAR INTERNET USER
HOW MAY I BE OF ASSISTANCE.
(INTERNETLAWYERMAN, QC ACE ATTORNEY, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 10:15, closed)

DID SOMEONE SAY "HONDA ACCORD"?!

( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 0:32, closed)

FOR GREAT JUSTEST

( WormuIus, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 9:53, closed)

Honda? Fuck that....
I was in my BMW M3 CSL. You know, the one where you lie awake at night planning your gearshift aggression strategy for the drive to work in the morning.
(RabidRodent I'm the person your mother warned you about, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 19:54, closed)

No, I really don't.
Can't say I've ever felt the need to think overtly my gear shifting strategy unless that's a euphemism for George Michael-esque drivewanklols.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 3 Oct 2013, 12:24, closed)

So just to be clear -
It's all ok for rory and AB to talk about you guys having a party at my house where my primary-school aged daughter gets 'handed around' with much "haw-hawing and he-heing" from the peanut gallery.

But this guy gives his cousin a bit of a rush (albeit lacking responsibility) and defends her honour and to a person pretty much you lot go all mumsnet.

Yes BD - I've made it all about me!
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 7:43, closed)

Sounds about right...
A clear case of double-standards? A post that, whilst based on an incident that actually occurred, was clearly dramatised (and crafted to use the two phrases specifically requested in an earlier posting), and, well, you see the result.

Thanks for the support anyway. ;-)
(RabidRodent I'm the person your mother warned you about, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 9:06, closed)

I'm with you man, this lot are full of double standards.

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Tue 1 Oct 2013, 9:26, closed)

double standards goat's spunk
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 9:28, closed)

with you man, this lot are
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 14:36, closed)

( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 8:29, closed)

..

( The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 8:30, closed)

Oh, very clever.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 9:22, closed)

It could get used a lot

( The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 10:16, closed)

I believe you.
Don't listen to these guys.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Tue 1 Oct 2013, 9:25, closed)

DEAR INTERNET USER
I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THE CROWN WITHDREW THE CHARGE OF SPEEDING, SINCE IT OFCCURED PRIOR TO YOUR ASSAULT PC.
(INTERNETLAWYERMAN, QC ACE ATTORNEY, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 10:04, closed)

His fists of fury must have scared them off.
I, for one, am glad that INTERNETLAWYERMAN is here, as he lends this thread some much needed gravitas.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 10:12, closed)

DEAR INTERNET USER
THANK YOU FOR YOUR KIND WORDS.
I COULD UNDERSTAND A CPS DECISION TO DROP THE ASSAULT PC CHARGE AS THE OFFICER'S CONDUCT FELL WELL BELOW THE STANDARDS SET OUT IN THE PACE CODES, HOWEVER, THE EVIDENCE IN RELATION TO THE SPEED AT WHICH THE INTERNET DEFENDANT WOULD HAVE REMAINED VITALLY IMPORTANT...
(INTERNETLAWYERMAN, QC ACE ATTORNEY, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 10:17, closed)

Quite simply...
...the traffic cop's word was worthless, given that he'd verbally abused me (and had been recorded doing so).

Also, CPS equation. Speeding == fine. Assault police == up to 6 months (serve 3).

They withdrew both when the recording of the verbal abuse was played back.
(RabidRodent I'm the person your mother warned you about, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 10:18, closed)

DEAR INTERNET USER
WHY DID YOU NOT PLEAD GUILTY TO THE CHARGES?
(INTERNETLAWYERMAN, QC ACE ATTORNEY, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 10:20, closed)

Whilst I would hate to side with INTERNETLAWYERMAN*
The conduct or otherwise of the officer concerned has no bearing on the speeding charge, that being unequivocal, what with the car having recording gear.

*because, apart from anything else, the fucker would charge me for typing this
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 10:22, closed)

DEAR INTERNET USER
THIS IS ANOTHER COMMON MISCONCEPTION.
YOU MAY WELL BE ENTITLED TO FREE INTERNET LEGAL ADVICE IN CASES WHERE YOU FACE A CRIMINAL ALLEGATION.MEANS TESTING IS IN PLACE IN RELATION TO MAGISTRATES' COURT MATTERS AND YOU MAY HAVE TO PAY A CONTRIBUTION TO LEGAL AID

YOU MAY WELL BE ENTITLED TO HAVE YOUR CASE RUN ON A NO WIN NO INTERNET FEE BASIS IN RELATION TO CLAIMS FOR PERSONAL INJURY.
(INTERNETLAWYERMAN, QC ACE ATTORNEY, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 10:25, closed)

INTERNETLAWYERMAN, my hero.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 15:53, closed)

Inescapable conclusion: RabidRodent is Above The Law.
We should drop this, now, before he flicks his pony tail and destroys us all with his Aikido moves.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 10:28, closed)

I HAVE IMPORTANT DOCUMENTS TO READ.

(INTERNETLAWYERMAN, QC ACE ATTORNEY, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 10:29, closed)

*flicks pony tail*
*destroys you all with his Aikido moves*
(RabidRodent I'm the person your mother warned you about, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 11:55, closed)

I always knew that it would end this way.
AVENGE ME!
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 13:04, closed)

Hahahaha
What a load of pish! hahahaha

You ARE a paedo, ya clownshoe*




*Is this being recorded?
( Flash_Bastard, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 11:11, closed)

It's preserved in his profile, just needs a few more clicks to get it to the top.
Come on, people, we can do this.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 11:45, closed)

I don't think I've ever felt more guilty for clicking a post...
But I agree with you - this MUST be done.
(Dr Doctor Can't you see I'm burning burning?, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 11:49, closed)

This.
Also, if someone could do a massive grab of the OP and all the comments, in case it magically vanishes, that'd be splendid. I'm assuming that there's some way to do that.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 11:53, closed)

Saved the whole page.
Yeeeeah.
( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Tue 1 Oct 2013, 12:46, closed)

Hands up who else has saved this for posterity?

(Dr Doctor Can't you see I'm burning burning?, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 12:48, closed)

Maybe we all should.
He can't nonce-punch us all.
( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Tue 1 Oct 2013, 13:17, closed)

^ahahahahaa!
I was waiting for the tagline that this post (and thread) needed, and with 'nonce-punch' I think we have it!

Now it is the stuff of legend.
(Dr Doctor Can't you see I'm burning burning?, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 13:25, closed)

If only AB would add it to the archive.
Who can summon the Badger from its lair?
( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Tue 1 Oct 2013, 13:30, closed)

'Add' it? This RULES it!
It deserves to be pride of place on top of the archive with the hyperlink in gold font.
(Dr Doctor Can't you see I'm burning burning?, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 13:33, closed)

Excellent.

( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 12:51, closed)

superb

( The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Wed 2 Oct 2013, 11:42, closed)

*wakes up, rubs eyes, browses B3ta*
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuu?

I can't remember a fail of this gargantuan shit-munching magnitude since the original Honda Accord post, yet you seem determined to top it off with your replies (and from the looks of it, past posts)

I recommend you seriously consider electric shock therapy, chemical castration, and putting a little timer next to your PC that means that you have to think really hard for 60 seconds before posting anything again.
(Dr Doctor Can't you see I'm burning burning?, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 11:39, closed)

I think I missed the Honda Accord post.
Apart from that I'd never buy a Jap car...

Well well, this has been entertaining. Still, I suppose when you do the kind of boring job that I do, you need some entertainment.

Oh well, back to trying to run the country I guess.

Take care, DC xx
(RabidRodent I'm the person your mother warned you about, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 11:57, closed)

Nonce, wanker, and now a racist.

( TFD is sporting this season's finest necropants, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 14:13, closed)

What if it was a 10 year old Jap car?

(AWESOMEB0T meddling prick, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 14:26, closed)

Oh fucking zing!
( Ken Oath, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 14:36, closed)

^What Fat Margaret said

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 2 Oct 2013, 8:58, closed)

60 seconds?
I think even with the most hardcore bondage bestiality rape porn I could lay my hands on, it would take me a bit longer than 60 seconds. 2 minutes maybe.
(RabidRodent I'm the person your mother warned you about, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 11:59, closed)

You guys you don't know what the fuck you're talking about - you should be ashamed. I got this on CAMERA

( Theoban What of it, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 12:16, closed)

Ahahahaha

(AWESOMEB0T meddling prick, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 12:17, closed)

THis

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 12:20, closed)

Good, but not as good as pic of the guy fingering his gf as a restaurant while the French waiter looks on
That was well lol.
(McChinaman banned, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 12:23, closed)

best thing ever
fact.
( rofl harris, Thu 3 Oct 2013, 12:49, closed)

I like RR's hairstyle.
So he's got something going for him then.
(Dr Doctor Can't you see I'm burning burning?, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 12:39, closed)

This wins everything.

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 13:01, closed)

DID SICK
This is awesome.
( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Tue 1 Oct 2013, 13:17, closed)

SUPERB

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 13:21, closed)

( . Y . )

(RabidRodent I'm the person your mother warned you about, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 13:43, closed)

No idea what you're trying to do here but it seems very much like you're having some sort of massive internet breakdown.
First you posted a story seemingly because you thought it made you sound hard, then when people pointed out that it seemed a little unlikely you claimed that you had exaggerated some of the details for entertainment value, then when people made reference to previous stories you have posted about sex with underage girls you attempted to legitimise this with arguments about relative ages and the French legal system, and then you completely wig out and claim that you've intentionally made everything up to upset everyone and start posting maddy pictures.
U OK hun?
(AWESOMEB0T meddling prick, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 19:20, closed)

Basically, the OP is having a breakdown about being a nonce.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 19:41, closed)

Actually...
I'm laughing my fucking head off at the shitstorm this has caused. It's hilarious.

And the "smug bastard / Maddie" pic was just the icing on the cake.
(RabidRodent I'm the person your mother warned you about, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 19:56, closed)

Uncomfortable about being a nonce ^^^

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 20:23, closed)

Yeah I remember when ringofyre had one of his internet breakdowns whilst trying to persuade us that everything was going exactly according to plan.
You're currently rocking back and forth in front of your computer, laughing hysterically and typing about how great everything is going with your left hand whilst your right hand alternates between wiping the tears away and frantically tugging at your semi-erect penis.
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 20:52, closed)

I am SO hot right now.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 2 Oct 2013, 8:58, closed)

heartwarming
havent been on in months, and im greeted to this clusterfuck

i need to log in more often
(Monkeystrumpet monkey. Monkey, MONKEY!!!, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 13:44, closed)

Every time I re-read this shit, I see something a bit more sinister.

There are so many revealing themes contained within the whole story; self delusion, absence of shame, absurd sense of righteousness, impressing kids with childlike emotional control, and no notion of personal responsibility.

It's the fantasy of an immature mind, with a large dash of Aspergers.

And the self justification while quoting inane laws to distance oneself from acts of grooming, yet boasting about the deed (no doubt whilst sniffing one's fingers) smacks of a clever pervert with a calculating mind.
( Ken Oath, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 13:52, closed)

I was right with you up to the 'clever' part.
To post this pile of dillusional, creepy wank the guy's obviously as thick as a concrete milkshake
(Dr Doctor Can't you see I'm burning burning?, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 14:03, closed)

Clever, as in devious. Not clever as in smart.
( Ken Oath, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 14:07, closed)

This ^
and forevermore this!
(Squidlipps Anyway, so how's your sex life on, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 15:12, closed)

This beats
the Game of Rassilon for amusement.
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 14:26, closed)

FFS..get help dude...

( skeltonator Needs some new daps., Tue 1 Oct 2013, 14:31, closed)

Could this reach the dizzying heights of '500 replies' by Thursday?

( The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 15:16, closed)

Only if a certain someone doesn't post something too pathetic
in an attempt to draw the attention back onto himself.
( Muns, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 15:26, closed)

(RabidRodent I'm the person your mother warned you about, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 15:32, closed)

Can you change your signature to
"I'm the person your mother warned you about, Cousin."?
( Muns, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 15:34, closed)

"I'm the person my auntie warned you about"

( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Tue 1 Oct 2013, 15:38, closed)

Hahaha!
This!
( Muns, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 15:39, closed)

^Best reply of the day!

(Dr Doctor Can't you see I'm burning burning?, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 20:52, closed)

This?
There's a load of trolls from Pommie Land (and elsewhere)
who clearly sit there at their computers constantly thinking about me, commenting about me here (and on other boards no less) and posting almost continuously about - me.

When I'm not here.

I'd love to say this was flattering. But this is b3ta.

Take a moment to ponder. Over the last 12-18 hrs (let alone the last week) do all the posters that hate and revile me so much and constantly post about it, imagine that prior to writing this post I've given any of you so much as a moment's thought?
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Thu 3 Oct 2013, 7:28, Ignore, 13 replies, latest was 5 minutes ago, I like this!)
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Thu 3 Oct 2013, 9:54, closed)

Oh man, get over yourself

(AWESOMEB0T meddling prick, Thu 3 Oct 2013, 13:07, closed)

Does anyone know what the current record is for replies?
( Ken Oath, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 15:33, closed)

You need to ask Ringo about that.
I'm sure he has a graph plotted in his kitchen.
( Muns, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 15:37, closed)

I think it's about 1.4 kiloautisms.
I'd like to know, actually.
( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Tue 1 Oct 2013, 15:38, closed)

Probably ringofyre
mostly to himself to clarify his position and bring out the 'titanic gambit' of putting his women and children first as part of any defence mechanism
( The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 18:47, closed)

Hahahaha, poor ringo

(AWESOMEB0T meddling prick, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 18:55, closed)

I think Pooflake got 500.
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 22:12, closed)

HP, just being accurate.
They really are just a little bit obsessed with me aren't they?
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Wed 2 Oct 2013, 12:52, closed)

We're half-way now...

( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Tue 1 Oct 2013, 16:45, closed)

251!
\o/
( Muns, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 16:55, closed)

I can think of a few users stamping their feet in the corner shouting "NO! PAY ATTENTION TO MEEEEEEE!"

( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Tue 1 Oct 2013, 17:23, closed)

Hello...
I like rusty spoons.
(RabidRodent I'm the person your mother warned you about, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 17:27, closed)

rusty spoons having sex with underage girls
(Dr Doctor Can't you see I'm burning burning?, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 20:59, closed)

256th

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 17:27, closed)

The feeling of rust on my salad fingers...
...is almost orgasmic.
(RabidRodent I'm the person your mother warned you about, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 17:30, closed)

rust 10 year old cousins
(AWESOMEB0T meddling prick, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 17:35, closed)

The best thing about fucking a 10-year-old...
is that her tiny hands make your cock look massive.
(RabidRodent I'm the person your mother warned you about, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 21:45, closed)

that her tiny hands make your cock look massive. bragging about it on the internet under the woeful misconception that just because some people post the occasional paedophile joke everybody is going to be cool with you having sex with children
(AWESOMEB0T meddling prick, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 23:39, closed)

alright drimble

(AWESOMEB0T meddling prick, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 17:35, closed)

alright AWESOMEB0T

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 17:47, closed)

I'm AWESOME!!! thanks.

(AWESOMEB0T meddling prick, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 17:47, closed)

I picture you as the confused insurance robot, but less annoying.

( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Tue 1 Oct 2013, 17:56, closed)

I don't know what that is.
You should picture me as AWESOMEB0T, the ultimate artificially intelligent forum banter-bot.
I scored 73% in my Turing test.
(AWESOMEB0T meddling prick, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 23:27, closed)

Wait I thought that was AWESOME!!!B0T
I'm confused now
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 18:00, closed)

*Raises eyebrow*
Definite shenanigans going on here.
( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Tue 1 Oct 2013, 18:02, closed)

Eat at Shenanigans, enjoy your food
Eat at Shenanigans, RABIDRODENT WORKS HERE
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 18:05, closed)

*pushes plate away*

( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Tue 1 Oct 2013, 18:54, closed)

it's all true, I saw it happen

(SpammyToast b3ta's not dead mkay?, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 18:05, closed)

YOU CAN'T RUN FROM... THE NONCE SQUAD.

( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Tue 1 Oct 2013, 18:49, closed)

And
then I awoke in my own delusion.
( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 20:58, closed)

Oh man, over 300 replies now. Rob Mcuglyfyre will be furious.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 22:03, closed)

I can't wait to see what he makes of this.
I half suspect that he'll defend the OP in a weird sort of stand against the trolls, doubling as a weak attempt at finding an ally. The OP will then tell him to kill himself.
( Muns, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 22:52, closed)

I would imagine this text is almost unreadable through the tears.

( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Tue 1 Oct 2013, 22:53, closed)

He's gonna have a lot of frantic logging in and out to do

(AWESOMEB0T meddling prick, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 23:15, closed)

Vegeta! What does the board say about his reply level?

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 23:09, closed)

I'm startng to wonder if rapeyrodent is just another one of his accounts.

(AWESOMEB0T meddling prick, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 23:18, closed)

There's a lot of overlap between Rapyrodent and Miggyman the Nonce,
especially the 22 year old fucking a 15 year old bit: b3ta.com/questions/cougars/post319848

Coincinonce?
( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Tue 1 Oct 2013, 23:26, closed)

you're on to something there

( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Wed 2 Oct 2013, 21:15, closed)

Fucking livid.
Still it warms my cockles that you're thinking about me.
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Tue 1 Oct 2013, 23:57, closed)

<s> etc

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Wed 2 Oct 2013, 0:58, closed)

Sad times when
you cant even put the effort into a shitty strikethru joke.
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Wed 2 Oct 2013, 12:50, closed)

How come this isn't the top answer in his profile any more?
In fact, it's not even on his profile now at all :(

I wonder if the vote will be rigged this week so that this doesn't win?

profile sordid smörgåsbord of noncery and lies
(Dr Doctor Can't you see I'm burning burning?, Wed 2 Oct 2013, 8:33, closed)

You're right.
I don't like this, at all.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Wed 2 Oct 2013, 11:22, closed)

just keeping the reply count going here
you creepy paedo
( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Wed 2 Oct 2013, 9:55, closed)

Good for you RabidRodent!
It's about time somebody stood up to the bullies in blue.
When will they leave ordinary people alone to get on with their mostly legal activities?

I haven't read the rest of this thread, but I imagine it is full of similar congratulations from my fellow posters.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 2 Oct 2013, 10:14, closed)

^^First proper lol of the day^^...

( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 2 Oct 2013, 10:18, closed)

the most amazing thing about this thread
is that not one of the usual contrarian whingers has made a stand and defended the OP against the mean /talk trolls (not yet, anyway)
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Wed 2 Oct 2013, 21:18, closed)

has anyone else got kind of obsessed with checking the development of this magnificent thread?

( vladimir, Wed 2 Oct 2013, 11:33, closed)

Yes!
(+1 reply)
( The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Wed 2 Oct 2013, 11:41, closed)

:-D

( vladimir, Wed 2 Oct 2013, 11:46, closed)

It's slowed down a bit now

(AWESOMEB0T meddling prick, Wed 2 Oct 2013, 12:50, closed)

Someone should post it in /links

( Muns, Wed 2 Oct 2013, 12:54, closed)

Already has been, pissflaps got there first.

( skeltonator Needs some new daps., Wed 2 Oct 2013, 17:08, closed)

Oh god, yes.

( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Wed 2 Oct 2013, 15:09, closed)

Me too.

( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Wed 2 Oct 2013, 17:09, closed)

I've de-lurked for the first time in ages, specially.
This is internet gold.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 3 Oct 2013, 12:15, closed)

what this needs now is some
Steve McDonald, Mrs Doyle, & Dickie Davies to make it perfect
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Wed 2 Oct 2013, 11:52, closed)

I can give you the latter...
www.youtube.com/watch?v=1JjHPCzLus8
( The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Wed 2 Oct 2013, 11:55, closed)

or maybe?
youtu.be/SwG414rpqmQ
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Wed 2 Oct 2013, 11:58, closed)

He loved a good nonce argument look at his smile
i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2009/03/04/article-1159089-03BDAE0B000005DC-398_468x330.jpg


(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Wed 2 Oct 2013, 12:01, closed)

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Wed 2 Oct 2013, 20:14, closed)

( Pig Bodine., Wed 2 Oct 2013, 12:19, closed)

( Pig Bodine., Wed 2 Oct 2013, 12:21, closed)

( Pig Bodine., Wed 2 Oct 2013, 12:21, closed)

( Pig Bodine., Wed 2 Oct 2013, 12:22, closed)

( Pig Bodine., Wed 2 Oct 2013, 12:22, closed)

( Pig Bodine., Wed 2 Oct 2013, 12:25, closed)

Storyboard
awesome work pig.
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Wed 2 Oct 2013, 13:37, closed)

( Pig Bodine., Wed 2 Oct 2013, 14:00, closed)

(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Wed 2 Oct 2013, 14:18, closed)

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Wed 2 Oct 2013, 14:53, closed)

( Pig Bodine., Wed 2 Oct 2013, 14:59, closed)

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Wed 2 Oct 2013, 15:02, closed)

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Wed 2 Oct 2013, 15:02, closed)

( Pig Bodine., Wed 2 Oct 2013, 15:21, closed)

The story this tells is of the highest dramatic standards.

( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Wed 2 Oct 2013, 17:22, closed)

All it tells me is that JMG isn't here.
Proper tragedy.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 3 Oct 2013, 1:30, closed)

( Pig Bodine., Thu 3 Oct 2013, 11:28, closed)

Although the addition of Steve McDonald adds to any thread
The genius required to make the pictures into a relevant story is quite staggering.

Sir, I salute you.

*applauds*
(Dr Doctor Can't you see I'm burning burning?, Thu 3 Oct 2013, 11:31, closed)

( Pig Bodine., Thu 3 Oct 2013, 12:15, closed)

(McChinaman banned, Wed 2 Oct 2013, 12:29, closed)

hahahaha

(AWESOMEB0T meddling prick, Wed 2 Oct 2013, 12:59, closed)

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 2 Oct 2013, 14:17, closed)

So, when she turned fourteen
Did you take her on holiday to France?
( Muns, Wed 2 Oct 2013, 13:25, closed)

teen
(Dr Doctor Can't you see I'm burning burning?, Wed 2 Oct 2013, 13:29, closed)

At what point did you press 'record' on your phone?

(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Wed 2 Oct 2013, 13:27, closed)

He didn't.
The magical 'nonce-friendly' pixies from Honda Accord la-la-land pressed it for him.

HTH
(Dr Doctor Can't you see I'm burning burning?, Wed 2 Oct 2013, 13:30, closed)

It was recording his 10 year old GF's exclamations of delight
as wanking material for later. Obviously
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Wed 2 Oct 2013, 13:39, closed)

So the 140mph driving part of the story
was his way of explaining why she was screaming 'Faster, faster, faster!' earlier on in the recording?
( Muns, Wed 2 Oct 2013, 13:49, closed)

that'll be it
351
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Wed 2 Oct 2013, 13:54, closed)

Ah, it's obvious now it's been pointed out.
The workings of a particularly devious nonce.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Wed 2 Oct 2013, 14:33, closed)

I forgot to post this Doh


(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Wed 2 Oct 2013, 13:59, closed)

You can't post 4chan memes on b3ta.
Fuck's sake.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 3 Oct 2013, 1:29, closed)

(1.618..., Wed 2 Oct 2013, 15:21, closed)

Just doing my bit
for the FA 500.
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Wed 2 Oct 2013, 17:30, closed)

FA?

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Wed 2 Oct 2013, 18:55, closed)

Fail Archive

(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Wed 2 Oct 2013, 23:59, closed)

What - do you have to have a certain number of replies to get into the FA?

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 3 Oct 2013, 8:59, closed)

The Guinness Book of Fail

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 3 Oct 2013, 9:18, closed)

Or "The G-BOF"
as the kids call it these days.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 3 Oct 2013, 9:41, closed)

Henry Naylor goes street.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 3 Oct 2013, 11:22, closed)

I see what you mean
I intended to consolidate the twin aims of this thread (to reach 500 replies and to top the Fail Archive) in one snappy phrase i.e. FA 500.

I failed, but at least this pointless reply furthers the former aim.
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Thu 3 Oct 2013, 11:44, closed)

i presume you're busy lamping everyone who called you a paedo on here, you paedo

( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Thu 3 Oct 2013, 8:59, closed)

Just dropping this here to help achieve the 500.

( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 3 Oct 2013, 10:21, closed)

I don't know if it'll even reach 400 now.
S0ckpuppet has posted and it looks as if everyone has rounded on him (again), which I for one think is a shame for this wonderful thread :(
(Dr Doctor Can't you see I'm burning burning?, Thu 3 Oct 2013, 10:56, closed)

it's a real shame that i miss out on these sockpuppet threads now that he's ignoring me
a real shame
( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Thu 3 Oct 2013, 11:02, closed)

Why not log out and log back in constantly?
Oh, I see...you have some dignity.
(Dr Doctor Can't you see I'm burning burning?, Thu 3 Oct 2013, 11:08, closed)

The fucking attention seeking wanker.
He spoils everything.
( Muns, Thu 3 Oct 2013, 11:25, closed)

Pfffft!
(One more...)
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 3 Oct 2013, 13:01, closed)

FUCK!!!





Got nothin', really.



Just doing my bit to at least reach 400.
( Ken Oath, Thu 3 Oct 2013, 10:55, closed)

Doing my bit for the 400 here.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 3 Oct 2013, 11:10, closed)

400! Here's a picture of some kids for RancidRodent
"
(Dr Doctor Can't you see I'm burning burning?, Thu 3 Oct 2013, 11:09, closed)

ENABLER!
*grabs pitchfork*
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 3 Oct 2013, 11:47, closed)

Oops, I didn't think that one through did I?
I would now like to cite several legal precedents (all of them baseless bullshit) to conclusively prove beyond doubt that it's perfectly fine to send a picture of kids to a peado

Or I could just admit to being a twat and apologise.
(Dr Doctor Can't you see I'm burning burning?, Thu 3 Oct 2013, 12:05, closed)

Nearly 500!

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 3 Oct 2013, 11:20, closed)

I heard that a secret board opens up when we top 600.

( Pig Bodine., Thu 3 Oct 2013, 11:29, closed)

What we need is for RapeyRodent to come back on and start defending himself again. That'd be well lol.
But perhaps he's been arrested? We can but hope.
(Dr Doctor Can't you see I'm burning burning?, Thu 3 Oct 2013, 11:38, closed)

You're not even trying to stay on topic
Cousin, 140mph, coppers, paedo, punch

see how easy it is
( A Rory Borealis here under duress, Thu 3 Oct 2013, 11:47, closed)

I counted two instances of "needless to say"
Needs more "and that was his first mistake".
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 3 Oct 2013, 12:19, closed)

Nothing really...
Only I'd quite like to be here for posterity.

So here I am.

x
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Thu 3 Oct 2013, 12:37, closed)

^^this

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Thu 3 Oct 2013, 12:40, closed)

^^this

(AWESOMEB0T meddling prick, Thu 3 Oct 2013, 13:09, closed)

500 yet?

( speedyballbangpots, Thu 3 Oct 2013, 12:52, closed)

Not quite

(AWESOMEB0T meddling prick, Thu 3 Oct 2013, 13:09, closed)

Just doing my bit to help

(AWESOMEB0T meddling prick, Thu 3 Oct 2013, 13:09, closed)

Last!

( Muns, Thu 3 Oct 2013, 13:15, closed)

We're within shouting distance of the Paedy 500 now.

( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Thu 3 Oct 2013, 13:20, closed)

Ah ha...
Another subliminal message within the story...the copper was a "little twat".

A "little twat" that needed to be dominated.
( Ken Oath, Thu 3 Oct 2013, 13:39, closed)

just doing my part to get to 500

( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Thu 3 Oct 2013, 13:41, closed)

how

( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Thu 3 Oct 2013, 13:42, closed)

many

( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Thu 3 Oct 2013, 13:42, closed)

more

( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Thu 3 Oct 2013, 13:42, closed)

posts

( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Thu 3 Oct 2013, 13:42, closed)

required?

( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Thu 3 Oct 2013, 13:42, closed)

Quite

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 3 Oct 2013, 13:43, closed)

a

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 3 Oct 2013, 13:43, closed)

few

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 3 Oct 2013, 13:43, closed)

more

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 3 Oct 2013, 13:44, closed)

not

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 3 Oct 2013, 13:45, closed)

even

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 3 Oct 2013, 13:45, closed)

at

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 3 Oct 2013, 13:45, closed)

450

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 3 Oct 2013, 13:45, closed)

yet

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 3 Oct 2013, 13:45, closed)

Keep...

( The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Thu 3 Oct 2013, 13:47, closed)

...Going

( The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Thu 3 Oct 2013, 13:47, closed)