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This is a question Kids say the shittiest things

Smudge the Demon asks: Have your kids - or anyone else's - come out with something that provoked extreme laughter, embarrassment, fear or outrage? Tell us your little darlings' memorable sayings. It's like Take a Break's letters page, only with more swearing

(, Thu 23 May 2013, 15:28)
Pages: Popular, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

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They MUST know what they’re doing…

My young kids love animals, so a few months ago the present Mrs PF and I finally caved in to their pleas and bought them a couple of guinea pigs. They were overjoyed, and set about naming the hairy buggers. My youngest called his ‘Muffin’ after his favourite breakfast treat. In a similar fashion, my eldest son named his ‘Flapjack’. Ahh, isn’t it all cute?

Well, more recently they were bumbling around ‘Pets-at-Home’ and they asked sweetly if they could also have a hamster. After being satisfied that they were adequately looking after said guinea pigs, we indulged them. This time, my youngest named the creature ‘Sir Cloppington’ (after a Minecraft character or

This continued merrily and I remained completely oblivious to any sort of problem; until the other day when I noticed that the boys have taken to shortening the animal's names for convenience. They are now affectionately known as ‘Muff’, ‘Flaps’, and ‘Clopper’.

Muff is (mostly) ginger, by the way. I reckon it’s a matter of time before they work out some plan to get a rabbit called ‘Beef Curtains’.
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 9:01, 50 replies)
You're just not putting the effort into your lies these days.

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 9:08, closed)
I can understand how a story about a happy family would touch a nerve with you...

You might want to skip this week and spend it crying alone somewhere
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 9:11, closed)
Wow, that's really unpleasant, you fat and mortally unfunny cunt.
Nice one.
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 10:30, closed)
Ablooblobloo etc...

Excuse me for taking your shit for years and watching you blub at the first one back. Work on your act.
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 10:52, closed)
Its not an act
He really is that much of a cunt
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 14:38, closed)
This seems unduly harsh, what's bothering you 'andythepieman' poster?

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 15:26, closed)
i'm sorry it is unduly harsh
I'm just being a twat myself i think.
Or i like Pooflakes stories....
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 15:53, closed)
Good stuff, everyone seems to have gone mad here.

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 15:58, closed)
You just don't get it do you?
you insufferable cunt
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 16:04, closed)
quite honestly no

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 16:13, closed)
Monty’s a comedy genius.

Mr Flake's come back was quite funny, but Monty’s straight man routine is amazing.
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 11:19, closed)
I like you better as ringofyre.

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 11:42, closed)
The triple-Ting here is incredible.

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 13:14, closed)
At this level it's actually
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 13:21, closed)
Four Jamaicans walk into a bar.

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 22:52, closed)
well I like it
It's one of my strengths
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 13:39, closed)
Along with...

Oh, you don't have any strengths. You're just a miserable, depressing frankly embarrassing sad sack.

You know what to do...DYAAKY
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 15:32, closed)
you're embarrassing yourself now

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 15:44, closed)
Yet you keep biting?...
Do you have to wipe the angry internet tears away so you can see the keyboard before bashing it with your useless tosh?
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 15:48, closed)
Right you are.
I'll see if I can't come up with an appallingly-written 4000 word bullshit story and post it, then maybe we can be friends, OK?

I'm holding out an olive branch here.
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 16:00, closed)
Stick your olive branch up your sad lonely arse...

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 16:06, closed)
Well really

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 16:22, closed)

You can fit a bucket in it? I suppose it must be a bit stretched due to the repeated insertion of your head.
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 17:56, closed)
classic Happy Phantom!

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 20:32, closed)
So as I've long suspected you can dish it out but you can't take it, Monty?
The only thing that surprised me was that it was pooflake who zinged you.
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 11:28, closed)
oh be quiet.

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 13:37, closed)
Have you ever considered that if you spent slightly less time being a pathetic, hate-filled mess wallowing in their own self pity, then you may have had the opportunity to actually contribute something this week instead of your usual inane drivel?

You sad twat.
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 15:17, closed)
Wow you are really cross here eh

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 15:25, closed)
I'm not the one being angry ONLINE
because you've had a taste of your own medicine. But you still keep biting.

You had this coming you ridiculous cunt.
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 15:41, closed)
righto. gotcha.

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 15:44, closed)
I bet you're loving this attention...

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 15:49, closed)
it's all rather upsetting actually

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 15:53, closed)
Well perhaps...

Now you know how other posters feel...
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 16:03, closed)
Bored to tears with your gargantuan third-rate lies?

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 16:22, closed)
wut? why so upset, online?

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 16:12, closed)
I couldn't give a toss you dozey cunts

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 13:27, closed)
Never repeat a successful party trick, Monty.

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 13:28, closed)
I was looking for a hat trick :o(

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 13:29, closed)
... but you found a job, and heaven knows you're miserable now?

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 13:32, closed)

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 13:35, closed)
a brown one?

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 15:57, closed)
Yay! You finally got your...*ahem* 'mates' to join in!!!...

So...exactly how many gazzes did it take for you to drag them into this thread you lonely prick? I bet your requests had just the merest hint of desperation to obligate them? Because they didn't want to be part of your sad, lonely, turgid self-aggrandising existence?

I pity you
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 15:28, closed)
Why is everyone being so negative?
I mean sure, if I were a corpulent, verbose and supremely irritating liar from Coventry I might be a little down in the dumps, but there's no need for such hostility is there?
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 15:31, closed)
Well I wasn't the one that got supremely upset on the internet - I'm used to your pompous objective drivel...

If only you could see the timeless beauty of a happy, stable environment without the likes of you fucking it up for everybody...then you might be able to understand how sometimes - just sometimes - your family is more important then you.

Are you going to blart again for a few hours? Or call more pretend internet bumchums?
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 15:38, closed)
these mood swings are worrying me now.
I thought you fat cunts were supposed to be jolly?
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 15:46, closed)
Really? That is the best you can think of?...

Feel free to enjoy the next few hours where you can say what you want because I will be home with my loving family (that I didn't ruin like you did). This is because I'm a good man, and intelligent enough to make good life choices, and I don't try to make the world revolve around my petty problems. You utter prick

Once again - I pity you.
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 16:00, closed)
all the best fathers are morbidly obese alcoholics, I see that now.
Thank god you're not smug as well, eh?
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 16:04, closed)
Ooh you got me there! Yet inbetween my obsession with gaining weight and killing myself with alcohol...
I still manage to maintain a wonderful, longlasting and stable relationship with my wife and children.

remind me again...how you doin'?

Eek - that bad huh?
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 16:12, closed)
I am really most relieved that you're not smug.
You'd look terrible if you were.
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 16:15, closed)
I think you're on to a loser here Monty
Sometimes I think your trolling is ok. Now you just look like a cunt
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 15:45, closed)
read the original post and ask yourself how likely it is that it's true.
On the plus side it's a good eight paragraphs shorter than it might have been
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 15:48, closed)
It's good that you're keeping busy monitoring this thread...

I consider it a service. At least while you're being upset your daughter can enjoy some more time away from you - you disgraceful arse.

Try not to lose your job - she'll need the maintenance.
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 15:52, closed)

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 15:53, closed)
What's the matter Monty?...

You gonna cry?
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 16:01, closed)

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 16:05, closed)

doesnt really matter though
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 0:29, closed)
read the whole lot and you still lose Monty. Sorry.

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 16:19, closed)
Darn it.
Tomorrow's another day I suppose. I'll just have to pick myself up and try again.
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 16:51, closed)
How did Monty's angry flounce above go so unnoticed?
Perhaps it's because about 10% of the people in this thread have posted about 95% of the spite on it; and they just happen to be all Monty's sad, jealous, hate-filled O/T co-conspirators?

Just sayin'
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 9:54, closed)
um, because it wasn't a flounce?
do you need me to spell this out on craft paper with macaroni and glue for you?
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 12:05, closed)
Isn't there a character in Minecraft called Sexington Flange-Vagina?

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 10:28, closed)
When I play any computer game
Every character is called Sexington Flange-Vagina.
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 13:10, closed)
Does this character have a Level 80 Wizard's sleeve?

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 13:28, closed)
It wears
a Grimsby trawlermans welly
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 14:39, closed)
Gosh, Monty's replying a lot to this thread today
Something must have made him even more stupid and angry than usual
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 15:54, closed)
Hello, I'm a little behind on the various relationships on this board.
Aren't you RL friends with Captain Placid? He was the one that sent a teenage bully on a downward spiral that led to suicide and bragged about it on the internet, I remember.

Seems to me from your friend's proximity to it that you'd be a little more sensitive to the real life consequences that can stem from repeated bullying. Monty looks like a man on the verge of a breakdown, here.
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 16:01, closed)

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 16:05, closed)
That Boyce is a terrible queer.

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 16:07, closed)
Yes he does...

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 16:08, closed)
i thought you were leaving?
You just can't stop lying eh
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 16:12, closed)
I'm in traffic on the way home...

but oy ho - I got paid overtime for the extra bit that I stayed to yank your pathetic chain though.

Thank you for that - that's a selfless act for a change. It was kind of you to interest me enough to keep me there. Perhaps if you had turned that little bit of effort towards your own kid she wouldn't be calling someone else 'Daddy' right now...
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 16:17, closed)
People who defraud their employers and then brag about it to complete strangers on the internet make the very best parents.
that's what I heard.
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 16:23, closed)
So let me get this straight...

You get up every morning, go to work and admit to your employers that you intend to spend every waking hour spewing tirade after tirade of terrible angry / upset internet hate and they say: 'That's smart Monty - crack on with it!'

However, I love the irony of you lecturing my skills as a parent considering the quite phenominal failure you are / were / will ever be.
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 16:30, closed)
bore off, there's a love.

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 16:44, closed)
Janet calling someone boring
There's irony for you
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 16:51, closed)
Still, I'm glad that as a middle aged man
you're dishing out some proper playground vigilantism. Really puts you on a moral pedestal you know? Go get him, champ. If it helps, imagine him as a conglomeration of all the nasty bullies that have called your stories boring or whatever.

I, for one, think you're every bit the equal of some of /qotw's best posters. Like Captain Hood-butter, for example.
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 16:12, closed)
Yeah I really think Pooflake's to blame here
for rocking up in Monty's thread and generally acting the cunt - still, maybe you and all the other people who give two fucks about Monty's mental health can form the world's smallest support group?
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 16:30, closed)
Oh right, do people not point out obvious lies on /qotw anymore?
I thought they did.

Looks to me like strong personal attacks against somebody who pointed out that this very obviously poor joke was a poor joke.

Are you the guy with the dodgy website? You attract a fair bit of flak yourself. Are you not just closing ranks with Pooflake because you're both picked on a lot? A sort of "enemy's enemy" style arrangement?
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 16:35, closed)
Oh right, do people not point out obvious white-knighting on /qotw anymore?
I thought they did.
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 16:42, closed)
The only time you've seen a white knight is stuffed up some poor ugly bird's clunge.

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 16:49, closed)
Ah, the old white knight accusation.
See, I'm only having this conversation with you because you jumped on me when I was replying to Pooflake. That's why I asked you if you were closing ranks with him.

The problem here is, whilst Pooflake's not terribly amusing and seems rather more angry than is necessary, he's not actually done anything questionable. Whereas you've got a website on which you pay girls to shove toys up their bits so you can take photos of them. Having you stick up for him is doing Pooflake more harm than good.
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 16:54, closed)
The problem here is I've never paid anyone to shove anything up anywhere
The whole "emvee pays girls to shove toys up their bits" never happened except in the imaginations of some of this site's least clever contributors. That you're even bringing it up at all speaks volumes about you.
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 17:15, closed)
Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to make false assertions.
It does have to do with girls posing with toys and so on, though? I take it that the toys remain external, then. Is it still a sexual fetish site, or are they posing with Optimus for artistic reasons? In their pants or without?

I'm just asking for clarification here, you understand. I certainly wouldn't want to be inaccurate about the degree of depravity.
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 17:25, closed)

Not a white knight, then - more of a moral crusader.
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 17:34, closed)
there speaks someone who hasn't met him
hitler had more morals than this guy. HITLER.
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 17:35, closed)
Nonsense. I'm more virtuous than Mary Whitehouse.

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 17:38, closed)

virtuous dried up and depraved
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 17:40, closed)
It's not so much a fetish site, more like glamour for geeks
And the models direct the shoots, so the content varies - sometimes they want a Transformers-themed shoot, sometimes it's Star Wars, Mario, Spider-Man - pretty much anything sci-fi, games or comics-related. These days we do a lot more cosplay stuff, since that's popular right now. Oh, and the level of nudity is entirely at the model's discretion - about half our shoots have been (just about) safe for work.

I appreciate that to some of the shutins on here who've never so much as seen a real woman, that must seem like "depravity".
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 17:58, closed)
it's not depraved,
it's just supremely creepy. hth.
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 18:17, closed)
Next time I need an opinion from an emotionally crippled fatty I'll be sure to ask you
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 19:45, closed)
oh wow, what a zinger.
off you pop then, those playpeople won't insert themselves.
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 19:51, closed)
oh wow, what a zinger
it must have taken ages for Rory to think that one up
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 20:03, closed)
what on earth are you on about now?

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 20:05, closed)
Just observing that you don't appear to have an original thought in your head

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 9:49, closed)

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 10:34, closed)
Or any thoughts
for that matter
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 10:56, closed)
oh, good one!!

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 12:00, closed)
so much dignity, here.

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 16:14, closed)
It's like the proverbial retard Olympics

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 16:40, closed)
Janet gets a gold

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 16:55, closed)
haha, yeah.

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 17:26, closed)
meanwhile nobody has bothered to troll my story at all
not one person.

it was true and everything.

insert bloo bloo man here :(
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 17:09, closed)
There's your problem.
What you have to do is make up a pitiful lie and then, when you get called out as a tedious bullshitter instead of receiving the fawning accolades you expected, you have to then erupt into a personal attack on the nearest person, setting yourself up as a paragon of virtue whilst simultaneously bragging about conning your employer out of their money.

Then - and only then - will the gates of Trolldom open for you.
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 17:16, closed)
It also helps if you are fat as fuck, an alcoholic and a smug tosser.

I just don't see this working out for you, I'm afraid.
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 17:17, closed)
Ah, so you took the fact that I said I was going home to hijack the thread to try and have the last word...again and again...

Pitiful, angry and upset...for the umpteenth time.

You talk about 'attacks'? don't get me started you ridiculous cretin. You thought you could just do your usual throwaway comment in my direction and I would accept it like always. Well, one time I decided I would not just roll over and let you insult, you sad excuse.

Also, loving the 'fat' comments BTW - did you say them to your ex by any chance? or was it just your incredulous self-importance and bitterness that drove her to take your daughter and make a better life for herself?
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 18:49, closed)
this thread is an absolute triumph for you.

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 18:53, closed)
Oh no, you're the big winner in the game of life...

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 18:59, closed)
I've also noticed a distinct lack of support from your usual chummies...

Who're normally like jackals. Are you not feeling the love? Well, it wouldn't be the first time...
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 19:03, closed)
I thought QOTW answers are meant to be lies.
Have I been doing it wrong?
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 17:29, closed)
Fuck - I think you might be right.
I've got this all wrong, haven't I? I feel such a fool now - as well as a terrible parent.

This really isn't a good day for me.
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 17:32, closed)
Never mind.
For what it's worth, I think using the break up of someone's family as ammo on a message board is well..cuntish. The sort of thing that makes you think if you met them down the pub, you’d go and talk to someone else. There's a lot of it round here these days.

I often think I should come and hang out with you lot on /OT, but I never have a fucking clue what you're all talking about.
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 18:16, closed)
you'd be welcome

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 18:50, closed)
Edenmonster, I completely understand...

Sometimes a line has to be drawn...when people think they are untouchable; 'holier than thou' even, that they can spill their own personal crap one day yet get angry and upset on the internet when it suits them. Also, they think they have a divine right to cast aspersions on who they want, when they want.

This despicable cunt caught me on a bad day. Tomorrow I will be different. Unfortunately, I bet he won't. I weep for the future.
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 18:59, closed)
are you flouncing again?
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 19:12, closed)
Fingers crossed eh?

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 19:22, closed)
What, in particular, is 'despicable'? about him or what he has said compared to what some others say on here?
Not sure I understand the reasons for the vitriol.
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 19:25, closed)
Seems you're being selective with the questions you answer PF. Not sure that works in your favour.

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 19:38, closed)
I said that his post wasn't very good.
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 19:40, closed)
That's because you are a complete cunt. HTH.

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 19:42, closed)
you terrible bully.
I hope your entire family are murdered by Islamic extremists.
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 19:42, closed)
it would serve me right

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 19:43, closed)
Ooh, are you UPSET??

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 19:44, closed)
not merely upset but very, very angry

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 19:48, closed)
you should probably watch that - somebody might take you to task over it.

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 19:49, closed)
durr not likely Jan
I think I'm untouchable. Holier than thou, even.
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 19:54, closed)
Alright Battered?...

Find the 'search' function. Then work it out - you massive thickie
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 20:37, closed)
What a nice response to a reasonable question.

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 20:50, closed)
Thank you...

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 20:53, closed)

Who would stoop so low?
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 19:04, closed)
^^I'm so glad I logged back in to see this^^
This wins
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 19:12, closed)
^^it surely does!!^^

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 19:42, closed)

don't cry
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 0:42, closed)

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 10:59, closed)
Hi Guys!
Have I missed anything?
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 19:10, closed)
pooflake told a lie, admitted he refers to female genitalia as a 'clopper'
and is subsequently having a massive wobble. on the Internet. hilarity has yet to ensue.

I think that's about it.
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 19:14, closed)
Also, Monty has thrown an upset, world class hissy fit of girly proportions...

But Janet missed that bit. Probably too busy worshipping and rubbing against the monitor to notice.
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 19:22, closed)
How are the guinea pigs?
BTW guys & gals, they really are called Muffin and Flapjack. I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of Sir Cloppington.
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 19:25, closed)
and you can fuck off and all.

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 19:26, closed)
Hi Janet!

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 19:27, closed)
alright captain placid?

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 19:28, closed)
Remarkably well thank you.
I'm off for a Chinese meal courtesy of my girlfriend in 10 minutes so let's hope this runs and runs until I get back.
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 19:30, closed)
i hope you have a lovely time.
see you later!
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 19:31, closed)
Thank you Captain...

But the fact that my post is true is now neither here nor there...

It's the gaggle of fuckwits who have decided to round around this post and try to make their point. I thought it would kick off, but not to this standard. To celebrate I'm off to watch some TV with my wonderful family. I might even get muff & flaps out.
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 19:42, closed)

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 19:43, closed)

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 0:43, closed)
comedy genius, right here.

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 7:09, closed)
it's wit of this calibre that makes you the comedy 'ledge' of b3ta
and the toast of 'Twang Club' that we all adore
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 19:47, closed)
Best post in ages on qotw
9/10 only needs a bertdown to get a 10
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 19:53, closed)
sorry if I've upset you.
why don't you log off for a bit, have a cup of tea and wait for this all to blow over.

you ridiculous trembling nancy.
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 19:26, closed)

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 0:43, closed)
really? off you go then.

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 7:13, closed)
Ahh, janet...up early again and with so many better things to do in her life
she's here dribbling more of the same old shit.

Darling, I would feel sad for you but I feel kinda condescending if I do.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 7:31, closed)
wait, you feel superior because i got up early?
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 8:54, closed)
Oh janet.
I don't have to "feel" superior to you, the catshit I scoop out of the kitty-litter tray each morning is superior to you.
I was merely pointing out (again) that as a fellow early riser, instead of doing something productive and constructive with your morning you hop on here to do little more than make pointless, derisory comments about other posters.
Again - pitying you for your lack of self-awareness in this situation makes me feel as tho I'm being patronising to someone who is of an inferior intellect & truth told I don't really like being 'that guy'.
Then again much like shambo, I imagine your angry, rant filled sessions on the 'puter are probably a bit of sweet respite for the people who live with you. A few hours in their day that they don't have to deal with you.
Cheers, luvvy!
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 9:17, closed)
no youn are.

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 9:27, closed)
You don't know who I am do you?
You'd have got a lot more angry if you did.

Rather than that pissweak, generic response.
Figure it out sweet-cheeks.

EDIT: About an hour later and poor, old janet still hasn't figured out who I am.
PROTIP JANET: Click on my profile link. With the left mouse button.
The mouse is the thing that you don't type with.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 9:36, closed)
of course i know who you are.
i'm just bored with you, that's all.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 10:34, closed)
Well gaz me darling.
Well gaz me darling.

The second was to accomodate your short attention span.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 11:21, closed)
Just posting so I can say I was here at the Pooflake Meltdown of 2013.
Never one to shirk his duties as the poor man's Legless, Pooferz has done us all proud with a public display of just how seriously he takes QOTW.

It's been pretty lol watching you weep as you stuff your fat fucking face with yet another scotch pie. It's been ace in fact.
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 19:32, closed)
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 19:35, closed)
You took your time Plummy...
Typical of you to rock up when all the best things have been said, you ugly fucker.

BTW - A friend told me they recently ran a search of 'pooflake' the other day to look for an old post. Nobody...NOBODY has apparently put as many stalker-style posts about me as you. You should be very proud.

If it wasn't quite so sad
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 19:36, closed)
he's right you know. this is textbook.
we have a laugh though don't we, eh?

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 19:38, closed)
That's odd, I just ran a search for 'pooflake' and while I may be prolific, I'm deffers not the top mentioner.
Soz and all that old feller me lad.

And I'm rocking up now because I hardly post during the day, I'm being paid to do something else instead. That alright with you? Or should I book some overtime in? Then again, setting aside three hours of the working day just to wade through one of your gargantuan posts would probs be frowned on by my bosses.

Soz again, ol' flakeyboy.
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 19:46, closed)
Firstly, that's good for jumping on it - you must have suspected...

Secondly, you're still a saddo that is entirely too obsessed with me to be normal. That's now more obvious than ever.

Thirdly, I said a 'friend' told me that. I didn't have the ego to check it out myself, unlike you. Oh dear. Failure on so many levels

Soz Plums, enjoy your 'personal time'
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 19:55, closed)
nah, I didn't suspect, I doubted.
So I checked.

Obsessed? I'm not obsessed, I just find you hilarious.

Not your literary 'efforts', you. The fact that you think QOTW is serious and important enough that you have this kind of spasticated shitfit when somebody calls bullshit. That you appear to consider yourself a bit of a comedian, yet have never stopped to consider that the second most important aspect of successfully delivering comedy is brevity. That you seem to think anyone apart from your equally risible friend Captain Placid gives a shit about your inane life and dismal storytelling. That your average QOTW entry could serve as the dictionary definition of the word 'prolix'. That you think stories about shitting yourself are in any way amusing. That you think any of your stories are in any way amusing.

This isn't obsession. Far from it.

Maybe while you're over on dictionary.com looking up 'prolix' you might care to look up the meaning of 'obsession' as well, because just like brevity, you surely to fuck have no idea what it means.
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 20:03, closed)

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 20:21, closed)

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 20:23, closed)
I think this is an attempt at ironololz
Either that or a desperate attempt to not look butthurt.
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 20:23, closed)
Such upset...such obsession...

for shame :(
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 20:25, closed)
Uh, Poofles old boy.
You're the one waddling around the thread posting increasingly upset replies to Janet and me. You're just proving yourself as self-obsessed as I suspected you were.

Poor Pooflake, still trying to laugh through the tears :'(
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 20:26, closed)
Sounds like he needs to find another hugbox.

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 20:28, closed)

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 20:28, closed)
Fucking Hell
You know that QOTW is truly dead when a drab, unfunny, non-contributor like Plumdozer feels qualified to give a lecture on the rules of comedy.

Also, the irony of your deadly serious flouncing rant trying to tell someone not to take it so seriously is delicious.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 9:48, closed)
I was newslettered the other week. In QOTW-land, that's fucking gold.

You do realise as well that 'flouncing' means to leave? Not to flap around like a fucking flid, like you are all over this thread?
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 23:23, closed)
OK I'm off now
I expect AB to have chimed in by the time I get back.
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 19:40, closed)
Whoa 147 replies!
And yet again Mr Dedd has abdicated his responsibilities, not a single Steve McDonald pic.
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 20:28, closed)

If I could do it, I would!
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 20:31, closed)

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 20:34, closed)
No way man, there's an Authorised Biography of internet comedian 'Pooflake'

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 20:31, closed)
Seems like that took a while for you to work out...

How's that 'not-obsessed' working out for you, little man?
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 20:32, closed)
'A while for me to work out'?
What, to type 'fat man crying' into google, click 'images', discover comedy gold, right click it, save the image source, tap in some basic html and post a picture?

Not very long, brevity etc etc. Are you taking notes here?
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 20:34, closed)
So why the delay?...

Does it take a while to tap stuff out with your head dobber?
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 20:36, closed)
haha, head dobber, classic!

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 20:38, closed)
What delay?
What are you babbling on about? Do you mean the few minutes? I'm not devoting my entire evening to this thread, that's the kind of activity reserved for sad fuckers like you.

I can just see it now, wotsits being shovelled in to your gaping buccal cavity, tears streaming down your face, little feet poking out from your fankles drum drum drumming on your kitchen floor, stopwatch in porcine hand as you wait for the next devastating critique of your internet stylez.

Like I said up there, hilarious.
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 20:40, closed)

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 20:35, closed)
I think PF here is a bit obsessed with me.
Every time I post in this thread, there he is with a witty retort.
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 20:36, closed)
Although I must admit to pitying your collective sense of camaraderie with Monty...

There's a part of me that thinks...what draws you together is the fact that you're not quite sure which one of you is the most pathetic, so if you back each other up, then it negates the question.

Good luck with that
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 20:40, closed)
Again, what the blithering fuck are you talking about?
Is it that alien a thought that people might genuinely share this view of you?
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 20:42, closed)

Oh dear. You might want to jump in and ninja edit. Or alternatively get someone less angry and obsessed to type your chronic quotations for you
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 20:45, closed)
^^^ LOL^^^ !!! !!

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 21:36, closed)
I like kittens.
Also am extremely fond of Pooflake and Monty. Both decent blokes and both good dads. Both are frequently responsible for splitting my chubby sides. Anyone want an ice-cream?
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 20:55, closed)
You terrible troll
Stop ruining qotw by trying to be reasonable.
You're as bad as that dreadful Bobby Davro's Grandad chap.
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 20:59, closed)
Hahahaha :D
Sorry, I'm colossally shit at the internet - must try HARDER ;)
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 21:02, closed)
Let's face it,
Monty's probably just jealous because he can't afford to buy his daughter a guinea pig.
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 21:08, closed)

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 21:01, closed)

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 21:02, closed)
Hang on
We don't know what flavour ice cream yet.
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 21:03, closed)
Any flavour, as long as it's lolfatty full fat for us internet fatties innit.

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 21:05, closed)
I'll have kitten flavour ice-cream please...

Thank you Tourettes you sweary beauty x
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 21:24, closed)
My pleasure Poofers :)
Although I must admit I'm dreadfully out of practice at this sort of thing... Had to stick up for my *almost* bridesman innit. Monty really is a good bloke though. Eeh, this internet thingy... it was so much easier back in the day when we were content with a couple of rinsed out beans tins and a LENGTH of string *sucks Werthers Original whilst reminiscing* xxx
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 21:34, closed)
There really isn't any excuse
for being a complete cunt on an internet forum. Saying things from the safety of an anonymous screenname that would cause you to lose teeth IRL shows the person to be a cowardly twat of the first water. Doing it for Teh Lulz is merely an excuse for being a miserable little person on the inside, the sort who gets drunk and turns into a beergoggles hardman.

Twats, the lot of 'em to a man.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 2:18, closed)
oh fuck off, you humourless windbag.

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 7:10, closed)
Point proven, I'd say
by one of the grimmest cunts of them all.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 13:37, closed)
What do you know
about the state of Janets Genitalia?
(, Thu 30 May 2013, 9:37, closed)
When you say Monty is a "really good bloke"
How do you explain him dumping his pregnant girlfriend?
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 16:18, closed)
Because she was a complete and utter psychopath, perhaps?

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 16:38, closed)
Ah right
That explains why he dated her for several years before getting her up the stick and then dumped her while she was carrying his child. Oh, and then he got all angry and confused when she didn't want him to see the baby for some reason.

He's an exceptionally good bloke, obviously.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 16:48, closed)
I dated her for about five months tops in total
you witless, mong-faced creepy spastic.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 17:35, closed)
My reply was more polite.

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 17:39, closed)
Well that's the difference between us, dear boy.

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 17:50, closed)
Too fucking true.

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 17:50, closed)
as the voice of reason (how the fuck did that happen)
Life is not black and white. Its easy to judge when you don't know the facts and when you haven't lived through that particular situation.
Thank gods thats all over can we get back to calling each other names and eating pie now?
(, Thu 30 May 2013, 9:39, closed)
I could take no more when she went for me with a knife.
I realise now that what I *should* have done, which would have made me a 'good bloke' would have been to exploit her evident mental illness by pressurising her into ramming a fucking Millennium Falcon up her arse and then slathering all over the internet so all my creepy SuperMatt style pals could have a jolly old wank.

That would have been fine.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 17:42, closed)
Missed a trick there, Monts.
I saw gonz's business suggestion the other day - you sounded tempted.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 17:43, closed)
It's a really good idea
I need to look at practicalities and should really go on a couple of other ones (they do wanky 'street art' ones round my way) to see how they're run. Problem (not a problem at all, obv) is that I've got my kid half of each weekend these days so that plus my 50h a week here + 20h spent commuting means I've not really got the time.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 17:48, closed)

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 17:51, closed)

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 19:40, closed)
Don't recall him ever saying he dated her for years.
Plus, she's still a psychopath. And to be fair, all he's ever wanted was to do well by his daughter; any any parent who uses their child as a weapon against their ex is a cunt.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 17:38, closed)
In the hilariously non-self aware sobbing that is the top story on his profile
he complains about her smoking crack and not doing a day's work in the three years before their daughter was born. Also, most the complaints about her being a psychopath seem to date to *after* he dumped her pregnant ass. Imagine that: a recently-dumped, pregnant, hormonal woman being unreasonable? Whichever way you slice it, he's either a terrible judge of character or a stupid prick who doesn't understand how contraception works.

Besides all that, he would never have even tripped my radar if he hadn't come on here to try and belittle and bully other people, presumably to make himself feel better about the atrocity he calls his life.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 18:20, closed)
It is possible to know someone's history without having been with them for a great length of time.
Monty's already pointed out he was with his ex for about 5 months, and he's also referred to his ex's psychotic ways in that very story. Also, contraception's not always effective, y'know?
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 18:44, closed)
Oh sorry, my mistake
Monty deserves a medal for dumping his pregnant girlfriend and that gives him carte blanche to be as much of a cunt as he likes to other people online. Well done you, for sticking up for such an unsung hero of our times.

Also, if I was so inclined to sleep with a psychotic crackwhore (not that I would be, but hypothetically) I'd make damn sure I didn't impregnate her. I suppose you're going to tell me the fact that he did makes him a veritable genius as well.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 19:22, closed)
So what, you'd advocate him staying with a manipulative, violent psycho
which would in all probability have a seriously damaging effect on their kid? She's been physically violent to Monty in front of their own daughter, ffs. Also, see my point about contraception not always being 100% effective - what do you think he should have done; marched her down to the abortion clinic?

For the record, I'm not saying he's right to have a go at Pooflake but I can see the context in which it was done: poster has a reputation for writing long and convoluted stories, some of which are obviously lies in order to get to an excruciating but often amusing pun or punchline; other poster makes comment relating to the unusual brevity of this particular story; all hell breaks loose as the OP has probably overreacted to Monty's comment.

I like pooflake, and I like Monty. I've met them both, and both come across IRL as genuinely affable; most people on here I've met are, despite online appearances. Al, for example, is not a terrible cunt. And I've never seen Battered with an axe.

I'm sorry if I'm being unreasonably reasonable here, but that's just the way I roll.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 19:34, closed)
Well I've only encountered Monty on here, where he comes across as a stupid, racist prick
who likes to wind other people up but then gets nasty when the spotlight is shone on his own tragedy of an existence. Maybe he's all right to have a pint with, I wouldn't really want to know.

Besides, all we really know about his ex has been filtered through the self-justifying and tremendously unflattering lens of Monty's own mind, such as it is. Not that I particularly care one way or the other, to be honest, but that story either reads "woman slaps stupid racist prick who dumped her when pregnant" or "woman needlessly assaults really good bloke...who dumped her when pregnant" depending on your own personal view of the protagonist...or the antagonist, whichever one Monty is. Like I say, I'm not really bothered which version is true - if any, since I'm assuming you didn't actually witness the incident yourself - but him being a battered husband does explain why he feels the need to throw his weight around on an internet message board and act the cunt towards other people.

See, I've never had a problem with pooflake and I've never had a problem with you or Tourette's either for that matter. You seem like decent people and if we were to meet I think we'd probably get on, given your online personas, and please don't apologise for being reasonable, reasonableness is one of the qualities this board is desperately lacking. I just think it's sad that someone of your calibre is trying to stick up for Monty, who in all fairness to him, comes across as, well, that's where we came in.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 20:14, closed)
Fair enough, but many people on here come across as utter twats
when in reality so many people gathered in one place couldn't possibly have such a high level of crippling personality disorders. You're right, I haven't met Monty's ex and don't have first hand experience, but I do know his current gf and she's said stuff as well about the situation, and I'm inclined to believe her.

Most of us say things on here that don't necessarily reflect who we are in person; I have it good authority, for example, that Rory is a decent enough chap IRL. 99% of the time it's just banter and that's what I'm inclined to believe was the initial case here and Pooflake, for whatever reason, overreacted and it spiralled.

I've got no truck with you either, tbh, and I'm not on here often enough to get wound up anyway.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 20:24, closed)
Please refer to your own sig. Ta.

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 20:27, closed)
Sorry, guv.
I mean, sorry you axe wielding, Polish whore murdering cunt.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 20:33, closed)
Nah, I'm sorry, I can't follow you there
In my experience, people who come across as utter twats are usually utter twats. If you only dip in and out, sort of twat who likes to tag my posts with "LOL EMV FINZ-P NIGGAZ" might be quite amusing but if you're here every week then it's like sharing a carriage with that tram lady, every commute. If that's your idea of a "really good bloke" then fine, but his little man syndrome is wearing thin with the rest of us. Could you maybe have a word and tell him to maybe grow up and have a life? Maybe talk to his girlfriend?
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 21:15, closed)
Nah, he's a kitten really.
Granted, a tall kitten with long straggly grey hair and good teeth. But still a kitten.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 22:45, closed)
I'm sure Savile's mates said much the same thing

(, Thu 30 May 2013, 10:25, closed)

(, Thu 30 May 2013, 9:40, closed)
Marks another notch in the bed post \o/
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 21:20, closed)
Go for 200 poo.
My record's 199. Do me proud.

You did get a click from me btw but I didn't have to scroll the page at that point!
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 21:24, closed)

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 21:25, closed)
haha! classic banter from forum favourites pooflake and ringofyre!!

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 21:33, closed)
Pooflake's still hanging around mashing F5 with his trotter every 15 seconds.

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 21:34, closed)
I beg your pardon, I think you'll find he's moved onto stage 3: Rising Above It

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 21:35, closed)
He really hasn't though, has he?

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 21:36, closed)
hard to tell. i worry that he might do something rash.

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 21:38, closed)
What, like post a concise, amusing, well-written QOTW entry?
I've just re-read his ZINGAROONIE! up there and I still don't know who he thinks I'm quoting.

Any idea?
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 21:39, closed)
he's probably drunk.
it's the kids I feel sorry for. imagine their little tear-stained faces when they wake up tomorrow and realise daddy's eaten the guinea pigs to Show The Internet A Thing Or Two.

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 21:45, closed)
He'll just microwave them a scotch pie each.
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 21:49, closed)
Alright plummie?

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 22:08, closed)
I've not read any of this
But it seems to be the happening thing with the cool kids.

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 21:27, closed)
join in! we're having a right old chuckle! it's all just a laugh, innit?!!!1

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 21:34, closed)
Bloody hell, what a big thread. I only skimmed it:
Who just admitted to raping his kids in front of their guinea pigs?
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 23:01, closed)
I've missed all the fun :(
ps: these are really shit lies.
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 22:08, closed)
Holy Shit!?!? You have breasts???

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 22:40, closed)

(, Tue 28 May 2013, 22:45, closed)
This thread is all too much to read, soz
so I should probably just say "cheers" and be done with it.
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 23:58, closed)
Attention span and originality
aren't your strong points. Are they?
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 0:23, closed)
You're probably the only user who hasn't twigged that I'm a script yet, congrats

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 0:53, closed)
Pretty nifty for a script.
What's your line number at?
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 1:03, closed)
Sorry, I don't understand "nifty".
Please rephrase your query and try again.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 1:15, closed)
Wolfram Alpha you ain't.
EDIT: Interestingly I've never come across a script (server or client side) that needed to stop posting to go to sleep for a few hours.
Your code is shit.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 1:45, closed)

the replies to this thread are very sad
I enjoyed my own laughter
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 1:09, closed)

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 3:38, closed)
You're the only person in this thread who comes out of this looking good.

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 8:50, closed)
I come out of everything looking good.
What I'm saying here basically is that I'm good-looking, you see.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 9:08, closed)
ringofyre is commenting on this thread now,
specifically to point out how silly i am for commenting on this thread. i think he needs an intervention.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 9:29, closed)
Then I suggest you give him one.

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 9:35, closed)

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 10:36, closed)
*bows low*
I exist only to serve, madam.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 10:38, closed)
Just to cut through all o the crap above, can you just admit that this story is completely fabricated?

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 8:28, closed)
Hi, so yeah, I'm pretty new to QOTW, and this thread seems to have a lot of replies so I'm going to post here
Why is everyone so angry? I mean, Mr Poof Lake seems to be having a bit of trouble getting on with Mr. Boyce, did they fall out over a toy or game or something?
At least Mr. Boyce seems calm, I think maybe Mr. Poof Lake should have a little rest, I find its helpful to just lie down for a bit, breathe deeply and let all the anger go.

Also, hi guys, I'm windy pig, nice to meet you all.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 9:31, closed)
i thought it was Poo Flake for years, until he pointed it out
still struggle to get on board with the whole Poof Lake thing
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 9:39, closed)
I assumed it was poo flake too.

Shows how the written word can be misinterpreted.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 9:42, closed)
No it is Poof Lake
Which is poor as he could have gone with Queer Mere
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 9:57, closed)
It's actually a contraction of his full name - Patrick Oisin O'Flake

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 10:07, closed)
That explains a lot.

The alcoholism and poor diet for starters.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 10:12, closed)
Frankly I am extremely embarrassed by this whole venture.
When I posted 'You're just not putting the effort into your lies these days' in response to Pooflake's lie, I genuinely had no idea what would would follow.

Sorry, gang!
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 9:56, closed)
Well you shouldn't have got so upset and angry then.
I hope that now you've had a good night's sleep you can keep your itchy flounce trigger under control, but I doubt it
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 10:06, closed)
You're so right.
I'm always flouncing, me. Famous for it. I really should stop but I just can't help myself. It's just flounce, flounce flounce for old Monty. If I'm not flouncing, I'm just getting angrier and angrier at the internet.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 10:11, closed)
legless defence
Next you'll be saying that you deliberately wanted this all to happen, that it's only a joke and you're glad everyone hates you.

Good morning Monty, how was your night btw? Cold and lonely?
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 10:22, closed)
Quite the opposite.
I just observed that Poofy's heart seems not to be in his lies any more. That's it. Fairly innocuous remark, it seemed to me.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 10:30, closed)
But you still got zinged tho
& badly it would seem.

Can't see why else you would've got so upset.
Family eh? The Achilles Heel for lots of the /qotw trolls.
Who'da thunk it?
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 10:13, closed)
Yet you guys throw all sorts of stuff at me about my marriage, how my wife looks and really inappropriate stuff about my daughter.

Here I am, mostly happily married for 15 odd years, a fairly well adjusted, smart and active kid, financially secure no matter what I chose to do.

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 10:19, closed)
I see.

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 10:19, closed)
Sharp comeback.

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 10:27, closed)
Has anyone made a profile badge for those who took part in this thread yet?

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 9:41, closed)
I'm getting a tattoo of the whole thing on my chest

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 9:52, closed)
It seems like Pooflake is the only one who has stopped biting
probably deserves a dignity point for that.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 10:25, closed)
Not sure that puts him in credit though.

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 10:30, closed)
AM I right in thinking that 90% of the posts in this thread can be boiled down to either
"I'm NOT upset, YOU'RE the one who's CLEARLY upset."


"You're a CUNT and I hope you DIE."

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 10:26, closed)
I'd say more like 92% but who's counting

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 10:27, closed)
I was here too
hey I like pooflake's lie/story

maybe I'm missing something here but QOTW is the the remit to collect lies/stories/crap puns/star wars/petty squabbles and cliquey ganging up on shitycunts

my stories are always true (obvs) My daughter is getting guinea pigs they were going to be called Burt & Ernie but I might have to rename them Prince Albert and Rampant Rabbit or maybe cocky & bellend
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 10:28, closed)
Then you'll be ousted for being a terrible liar and forced to DYAAKY
You should know that the difference between truth and lies is dictated to by Monty, Janet and Plumdozer?
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 10:30, closed)
they can't handle the truth
or a bigger boat
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 10:39, closed)
You know 'DYAAKY'? I made that up.

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 10:42, closed)

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 10:42, closed)
'Fraid not.

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 10:46, closed)

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 10:46, closed)
That would be a rather strange lie to tell.
Maybe I should throw in a hamster called 'Cuntbuster' or something.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 10:49, closed)
It doesn't matter how strange your lies are, they're still lies
whatever keeps you going I suppose
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 10:51, closed)
Here's where you prove it's a lie:
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 10:52, closed)
Right after you prove the OP was a lie:

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 10:57, closed)
Couldn't do it, eh?

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 11:03, closed)
I'm still waiting for you, duh.
Anytime you're ready.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 11:11, closed)
The cake is a lie
I want to know what Richard Geres Gerbil is called
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 11:15, closed)
'Fannybatter McShitmags' - it's a Minecraft character or something

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 11:16, closed)
Ive heard it enjoys
Going up dirty tunnels so you could be right
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 11:20, closed)
I enjoyed your pie thread btw

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 11:20, closed)
glad to be of service on pie related matters
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 11:22, closed)
I think we should regularly
hijack threads and talk pie I enjoyed it
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 12:04, closed)
I'm up for that

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 12:23, closed)
Count me in
Even if it makes me hungry for more pie,
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 12:33, closed)
I now want a hamster so that I can call it that.

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 10:52, closed)
I'll get you one.

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 10:55, closed)
When qotw is finally shut down.

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 10:52, closed)
Morning all!...

Damn, I missed the breaking of the 300 barrier :(
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 10:35, closed)
no you didn't.
you've been bashing at F5 all night, you horrible liar.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 10:38, closed)
Morning Janet!
Not busy today? Perhaps you could volunteer to fill the void left in Monty's miserable life caused by the absence of his daughter? You could call him 'Daddy' and lend him money?
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 10:46, closed)
i haven't got any money. i'm spending your tax pounds. benefits are great.

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 11:58, closed)

What, Thermopylae? That was ages ago.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 10:54, closed)
Time to sparta new question then

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 10:55, closed)
You are a total wanker but this is funny.
I'm a bit gutted tbh
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 10:56, closed)
Because you're a total wanker and not funny?

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 11:27, closed)
Smug cunt.

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 11:27, closed)
Hi guys!
Still rumbling on, I see. Bring me up to date, has anybody claimed TTT, yet?
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 10:45, closed)
Ploppy's outed me as a serial flouncer, Rongofyre tells me I've been zinged.
Pooflake's stopped lurked and joined it again, there are wall-to-wall spastics and some strange boy logged in about 1am and started replying to posts from hours earlier. It's simply wonderful.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 10:47, closed)
You probably shouldn't have been posting classic foamy-mouthed UPSET ONLINE posts
throughout the thread, then. Poor old Pooflake sounded quite bemused. Pretty sure I've got this the right way around.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 10:52, closed)
Sho' nuff, niggy.

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 10:53, closed)
Is that "Turning The Tables" or "Trolling The Trolls" ?
Could be either.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 10:48, closed)

Seeing as you're more part of the problem than the solution Rory - STFU.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 11:24, closed)
That's not Rory
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 11:33, closed)
Optimus Prime isn't in my top ten transformers either, just so you know.

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 11:36, closed)
Actually he's grown on me a bit lately
As Orion Pax in the recent comics he's been pretty awesome
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 11:50, closed)

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 12:04, closed)
^^That's fucking great^^
Thanks for sharing that
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 11:41, closed)
^ Monty's
Cock Suckers I presume.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 11:16, closed)
Seems like a bit of a leap.

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 11:32, closed)
"Sorry, what?"
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 11:45, closed)
Well, that's put me in my place.

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 12:09, closed)
I generally like Pooflakes posts
I find toilet humour funny and some of them have given me genuine office lols.
There i'm out
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 11:17, closed)

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 11:21, closed)
What can i say
I've been in the closet for too long man
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 11:23, closed)
I'm with you
they are sometimes a bit long but hey I'm here to waste time after all

may as well read a great big long post as a great big long argument
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 11:38, closed)
Careful now...
You'll set Monty off on another jealous rant about how it's just not right or fair that anyone could ever have an opinion about somebody that is contrary to his.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 11:43, closed)
Especially as he's obviously so insecure that he can't go five minutes without coming back to check this thread?
It must be terrible to have so little dignity
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 11:45, closed)
naah thing is I like Monty too
he's a proper cunt but he's our proper cunt

let's all have a bicky and a niice cuppa eh?
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 11:47, closed)
If I was Pooflake I'd be so tempted to delete the thread
just so Monty's wasted his life again
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 13:28, closed)
The thing is, even Plopflake isn't such a queer as to put me on 2.0 like you.
Imagine that - being more of a prick than that wanker. How does it feel?
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 13:32, closed)
You're just not putting the effort into your lies these days.

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 11:25, closed)

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 11:43, closed)
I'm wondering if this is going to get to 400.

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 11:45, closed)
Over 9000 and the internet would do a lol

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 11:53, closed)
Over 9000 and it would BE the internet.

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 11:54, closed)
I do hope that everyone who commented here has also liked the story, so it's displayed first in all its majesty once the question closes.

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 12:06, closed)
what this thread needs now is more Steve McDonald

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 12:23, closed)
^ this is correct

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 12:40, closed)
oh for fuck's sake cake-is-a-lie jokes and now over 9000?
it's fucking 2013 for fuck's sake

(criticising memes just so I could be In The Thread. love you Monty xxx)
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 16:26, closed)
I think this thread is due
To be Piejacked
(, Thu 30 May 2013, 9:16, closed)

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 11:55, closed)

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 12:14, closed)

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 12:15, closed)
400th! is the new First!

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 12:18, closed)
I was sure I was in for a prize or summat.

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 12:21, closed)
I'm going to get a guinea pig, call it Pooflake, slice it half to death then burn it alive.

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 12:34, closed)

I just need a little bit more like this please.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 13:11, closed)
Nicely done.

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 13:17, closed)
I call upon Plopflake to explain how they and Poofy, son of Poofy have the same surnames
and were precisely as cross as each other at the same time, using precisely the same desperate gambits in a flailing attempt to cause upset.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 13:11, closed)
Yay! You finally got your *ahem* 'self' to join in
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 13:24, closed)
What this thread needs is some tea, biscuits and a game of football to dispel the tension.

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 17:51, closed)
or some PIE CHAT

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 17:57, closed)
It's funny because it's topical!
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 18:00, closed)
*Kicks ball and serves tea*...

But I don't have long because I'm off to see the new Star Trek movie tonight...
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 18:49, closed)
Don't let the bastards grind you down, Poofers.
Sooner or later it's everyone's turn to be lambasted on this forum.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 19:03, closed)
someone mention a lamb pasty?
Oh hang on no my mistake carry on.
(, Thu 30 May 2013, 9:32, closed)
^this deserves credit

(, Thu 30 May 2013, 11:21, closed)
Hasn't this one got a lot of replies! Shame I'm off out soon, I'd love to be here when it hits 500.
C'mon B3TA - together we can make it happen!
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 18:54, closed)
Can we get 600 'replies' for this smiling baby?

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 22:31, closed)
I hope so!
However, I'm still disappointed at the lack of input from AB.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 22:43, closed)
He's pacing himself, reckon he'll wade in at around the 850 mark

(, Wed 29 May 2013, 22:50, closed)
This is great, isn't it?
Shame I'm about to go on holiday.

I liked this and the picture of Mrs. Doyle. What have been your favourite bits?
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 23:12, closed)
My favourite bit was that 'Son of Ploppy' no-mark bleating about me being a 'non-contributor'.

I'm kind of a big deal.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 23:25, closed)
in your own lunchbox Plummy.
(, Thu 30 May 2013, 2:25, closed)
this is the joke, you antipodean twerp.
Die hard QOTW types like plopflake and son of poofy have two yardsticks of life success: 'winning' QOTW and getting newslettered.

This is highly amusing.
(, Thu 30 May 2013, 7:14, closed)
i think you need to go away and look up the word "amusing"
you sound all steamed up about it.
(, Thu 30 May 2013, 10:13, closed)
Is it true they are closing down the rest of the site and we'll only be able to post in this thread?
Only that's what I heard.
(, Wed 29 May 2013, 23:57, closed)
It does pictures, talk and links. What more could we ask for?

(, Thu 30 May 2013, 0:05, closed)
I don't mind helping out with a newsletter

(, Thu 30 May 2013, 7:10, closed)
Morning everyone!
Not far to the 600 mark - let's see if we can break that barrier! If we all pull together we CAN do it!
(, Thu 30 May 2013, 7:28, closed)
If every user watching pledged just ONE reply, QOTW could have a pump built that supplied clean water for all these children

(, Thu 30 May 2013, 9:14, closed)
Let's decide once and for all

Enough of all this shit.

(, Thu 30 May 2013, 7:35, closed)
I don't understand.
Where do I click to vote for Battered?
(, Thu 30 May 2013, 8:19, closed)
Yeah right, like I was going to include that as an option

(, Thu 30 May 2013, 8:20, closed)

Is Battered a cunt?

(, Thu 30 May 2013, 9:09, closed)
Come on Team Emvee!
If elected as the biggest cunt on b3ta I would be delighted to do my duty and represent the rest of you cunts. And of course, denying Monty his victory would just be the icing on the cake.
(, Thu 30 May 2013, 9:39, closed)

Sorry, I'm on Team Rory for this one.

"VOTE RORY - it's a no-brainer."
(, Thu 30 May 2013, 10:17, closed)
Only 4% for me!
& I voted for myself too.
(, Thu 30 May 2013, 10:26, closed)
I'd vote for you but I already voted for myself. Though in the event of a draw perhaps we could form some kind of cunt coalition?
(, Thu 30 May 2013, 10:40, closed)
I must admit to being a little disappointed in my percentage...

(, Thu 30 May 2013, 10:56, closed)
I feel like David Cameron right now

(, Thu 30 May 2013, 11:04, closed)
This page takes bloody ages to load now.

(, Thu 30 May 2013, 9:13, closed)
I have to re-read the whole thing in its entirety, every time I refresh, just to be sure I haven't missed anything exciting.
All nine million words of it :(
(, Thu 30 May 2013, 9:16, closed)
Hi !
better late than never
(, Thu 30 May 2013, 10:14, closed)
And what time do you call this?
You treat this thread like a hotel you really do.
(, Thu 30 May 2013, 10:15, closed)
hahaha! An entertaining anecdote.
Oh sorry, I seem to be missing the point of QOTW - I thought it was about an entertaining anecdote, occasionally exaggerated for comedic effect rather like a bunch of mates chatting in the pub.
Instead it seems that the point is for some embittered bunch of sad sacks to reply just to accuse everybody of being a cunt, then use obesity, substance dependency problems and childhood disability as terms of abuse and hound out everyone with a different point of view. Bit like a bunch of EDL mates in a pub perhaps.
Ho hum, tea break spent reading another heartwarming QOTW thread. Back to work now.
(, Thu 30 May 2013, 10:51, closed)
Bye da5id!

(, Thu 30 May 2013, 11:05, closed)

(, Thu 30 May 2013, 11:39, closed)
fuck off

(, Thu 30 May 2013, 12:36, closed)

(, Thu 30 May 2013, 13:24, closed)
^ This guy gets the joke.

(, Thu 30 May 2013, 13:36, closed)
What needs to happen at this point, right, is for Pooflake to make a minor edit to his OP. Just a hanging space at the end of the post perhaps.
This will make the replies count reset creating an 'easter egg extra' in QOTW.

Then when future generations plunder these archives to better understand a forgotten realm, the techno-architect will click through from Honda Accord to Honda Accord until the one fateful moment.

This thread will telescope before her along her digital umbilical cord, pulsing information into her very being. Eyes widening in wonder and disbelief, she calls through to Cynarius, her unsuspecting Registrar "Come! Come!"

They stare on with the growing realisation of what has been unearthed.
"Look" she whispers, barely containing her amazement "just look at these fucking bell creases."
(, Thu 30 May 2013, 11:21, closed)

Can't hurt can it?
(, Thu 30 May 2013, 11:49, closed)

(, Thu 30 May 2013, 11:51, closed)
Sorry I just liked PB's idea...

On the plus side, it's earned me more cunt votes.
(, Thu 30 May 2013, 11:53, closed)
I'd have done the same
(, Thu 30 May 2013, 11:54, closed)
I'm a bit sad we've lost mrs doyle and steve mcd

(, Thu 30 May 2013, 13:22, closed)
What happened to them?

(, Thu 30 May 2013, 13:29, closed)

(, Thu 30 May 2013, 13:35, closed)

(, Thu 30 May 2013, 13:42, closed)

(, Thu 30 May 2013, 13:59, closed)

(, Thu 30 May 2013, 14:01, closed)
ploppy son of ploppy has varnished
Steve & Mrs Doyle were innocent bystanders
(, Thu 30 May 2013, 13:42, closed)
Ah I see. Please accept this as a replacement:

(, Thu 30 May 2013, 13:46, closed)

(, Thu 30 May 2013, 13:50, closed)

(, Thu 30 May 2013, 13:54, closed)
this is the best one I think
Mrs Doyle with out a cup of tea is like pizza without cheese

(, Thu 30 May 2013, 13:57, closed)

(, Thu 30 May 2013, 13:46, closed)
Great minds. SD. Great minds.

(, Thu 30 May 2013, 13:47, closed)
Only 37 more pictures for the magic 600!

(, Thu 30 May 2013, 14:31, closed)

(, Thu 30 May 2013, 14:33, closed)

Mention the Lord Of the Rings just once more
And I’ll more than likely kill you
Moorcock, Moorcock, Michael Moorcock you fervently moan
Is this a wok that you’ve shoved down my throat
Or are you just pleased to see me?
Brian Moore’s head looks uncannily like London Planetarium
(, Thu 30 May 2013, 15:11, closed)

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